Chapter 78 Chapter Notes
This chapter is from Bella's POV and takes place after the events of the evening, after she has finally lost her virginity, and the marriage has been consummated. Edward lays next to her in the pitch-black darkness, and he tells her his fantasies.
***CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEX AND LANGUAGE***
The chapter title belongs to the Beatles (I Saw Her Standing There)
Chapter 78 I Saw Him Standing There Bella POV
Before we get comfortable, Edward unplugs the Christmas tree, pulls the shades down and rolls the little log off the fire. We lay in total darkness, apart from a weak beam of light that filters through the trees and in the kitchen window. Where we are, though, I can't see anything.
"Why did you do that?" I ask, perplexed.
In answer, Edward is suddenly everywhere. Cool hands hold my face as he kisses my mouth, cheeks, and all down my neck. The hands roam about my body, caressing and fondling, sometimes lightly sweeping up and down my skin, lingering at certain spots like nipples and clitoris.
My body is still twitching from the sex. Okay, from being fucked. Finally. Lying in the dark, not being able to see what's coming next, is making me both excited and a little apprehensive, but not really scared.
I run my hands all over his body and feel his cool breath on my neck. "I used to think that you didn't want me sexually," I say into the darkness. "I knew that I intrigued you, interested you even, but thought that it was only in a platonic way."
Sometimes it's easier to say things in the dark. You don't have to worry about the other person's expression. It's like your words disappear into the Universe.
"So…did I show you tonight that I am interested in you sexually?" His tone is playful as he begins to inch his hand down my belly to mingle in my curls. And that heavy, tingly feeling low down begins again, even though I've just come twice.
"Yeah, you did."
The playful tone turns serious as he begins to pet me down there. Just little pats and twirling of hair. Nothing overt. Damn him.
"When I was on the road, I replayed those evenings where I'd sneak into your room and slide under your covers with you. One part of my brain engaging in conversation, but another part concocting wild sexual experiences. I'm surprised you didn't notice my erection, on those rare occasions when my cock was acting like an undisciplined toddler and strained against my jeans."
"Well…" I say hesitantly.
Edward chuckles. "How did you know? I tried to keep it from you."
"It's not exactly small, is it? I saw the bulge under the quilt, sometimes. And I thought about sex with you, too. And I mean, all kinds of sex. It took all my willpower not to dart a hand under the sheets and make a grab for it."
"That would have been a surprise."
"My imagination would go into overdrive, as I would try and concentrate on our conversation, but thinking about nothing but some type of sex with Edward freaking Cullen," I say seriously. Edward doesn't respond to this.
"And every night when you finally went home, or in the shower the next morning, I'd rub it until I came," I continue. "It was the way I could get any rest, or muster any kind of concentration. And then it would be time to go to school, and there you'd be, waiting for me in the Volvo, and the fantasies would start all over again. I started wearing a panty liner every day, because I'd get to school with damp panties. Really."
"Yeah, I kinda knew that," he says softly.
"What. You knew what?"
"Well, like I told you, I can smell your desire. I could smell it from just about day one, Bella."
I frown and he says, "I can smell everything you've done for the past week. But the smell of desire is much better than anything else." I feel his cold breath at my neck, and he nibbles on my ear, making me shiver with anticipation.
"Back then, you chided me a bunch of times about the danger of my 'raging hormones'. Was it your morals that prevented you from touching me? I mean, you probably could have managed it. And I could have gotten some rest." I give a huge sigh. I'd never stopped trying to get him to feel me up, but alas, I stayed pure and unmolested.
"You wanted me to—"
"To touch me. Like you're doing now." I look up in frustration. "Could I have been any clearer about what I wanted you to do?"
There's a tense silence and finally Edward says, "Since I am decades older than you are, do you think that I would find it appropriate to touch you in that way? When you were seventeen years old? What kind of man do you think I am?"
I reach down and grasp his hand for a sec, still teasing between my legs. "I've always known what kind of man you are, Edward. But what did you foresee as our future? Did you think that sex was an absolute impossibility?"
"Bella, I can't even explain how conflicted I was. I've told you about how quickly I fell for you, and how hopeless I felt, especially after you found out our secret. To be honest, there wasn't a plan. On the night that Alice revealed to me that I was in love with you, she'd already seen you as a member of the family, but I couldn't accept it."
"So, you didn't really answer the question." I shiver, as the dang window is still open, and will probably need to stay open until I'm changed. Edward fetches a throw from the bench seat of the bay window and covers me, then nestles down again.
He sighs. "I thought about sex with you a lot. A lot. But I didn't think it was possible, until Alice came to have the sex talk with me on our first day of school." I smile, remembering the 'rigid tube' analogy and Edward's earnest face as he'd repeated it for me that first time.
I feel his face beside mine, and he whispers in my ear, "Tell me what you fantasized about." A cool hand lingers on my breast, toying with the nipple, which I feel all the way to my down to my pussy, which is tingling even more now that he has separated my folds and is rubbing one cold finger back and forth.
"Ah, well, my favorite ones were of scary Edward, stalking me, undressing me…" My voice trails away as he begins to trail an icy tongue behind my ear and down my neck.
"And what else does scary Edward do to you, Bella?" he whispers.
A current of electricity races up my spine as Edward's mouth and hands roam all over my body. "He lays me back and licks me."
"He licks you right here?" he pats me, then keeps up the relentless stroking, that one cool finger up and back, up and back.
"Yeah," I manage. It's so dark. I can't see a thing, not a hand before my face, and the pressure is building again.
"What else?" he whispers in my ear.
I feel untethered, in a sea of sensation, floating in the dark. "He…he fucks me," I manage, completely undone by the cool lips that have just latched onto a nipple. "Ah, and on my bed, where we have to…stay quiet because Charlie is in the next room," I gasp, as my legs splay out. The feeling begins exactly where his finger lies and radiates outward like a brilliant sunburst, extending all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes. And it's scary Edward, lying beside me, teeth only inches away from my neck, his cool body next to mine.
"How many does that make for today?" he asks. I don't even know. The experience of being seduced in the total darkness so outweighs anything I might have imagined.
"Sex was never even a remote possibility back then, Bella," he says, his disembodied voice cool against my overheated skin. "I didn't have the proper control to manage it. But I had fantasies. You weren't the only one with needs."
"Tell me some of them," I say. Edward moves closer to me and we spend a few minutes kissing. Not just regular kissing, but frantic, groping kisses, where I twine my hands up in his hair and down the flat plane of his stomach to his cock. His cold hands again roam all over my body, down my back, around to my breasts, through the curls between my legs.
"One of my favorite ones is simple," he begins, as he lightly kisses my face. "We're together in your room, and I…ah…slowly undress you and we make love on your bed."
Edward presses his forehead to mine, and then says, "Would you like a drink of water?" He disentangles himself from me and runs to the kitchen. Pale light shines in through the window, illuminating his form. He leans forward for a few minutes, then takes a glass from the cabinet and fills it at the refrigerator. I know he'll stay there, gulping fresh air from the window, until he feels in control again.
When he returns, he places the glass in my hand and I drink without comment. I understand that I'm married to a vampire, and that this sexual thing has undermined his control. And it's more than a littleintoxicating to know that he just had to leave me because he was overcome with his compulsion to feed. He can't have possibly controlled his desire for blood completely, which means I'm still in danger. And that possibility leaves me tingling all over and ready to do it again.
Am I crazy? I was pissed as hell when it happened just a few days ago, but still turned on. I'm sure if I told him that my panties were damp by the time I'd escaped to my Volvo, he'd chide me, then explain that there's nothing romantic about being fed upon by any kind of venomous creature, but my immersion into this world, into his world, is a high all its own. It sets me apart from every other person in the world.
The fact that he can overpower me at any moment is high inducing. I don't know why, because I never particularly relished giving over control of any part of my life to anyone. Maybe that's because I've been the one in control for so long. Taking care of Renee, of the house, grew me up quick.
But maybe I'm ready to relinquish control. Finally let someone else do the deciding.
"Okay. Fantasies. You featured in a number of scary ones."
I shudder happily. "Like, really scary? Vampire scary?"
"Yeah." Edward takes the empty glass and sets it aside, then snuggles up close to me so he can whisper his cool breath in my ear. "It's your first day of high school. We've just met in Biology." I nod understanding of the timeline. "After school I hide in the cedar in your backyard and hear that Charlie's been called away for the night. So you're here, in this house, all alone."
I shudder. This can be one of my favorite fantasies now, too. "I watch you in the kitchen, fixing your dinner. Then you do homework at the table. When you finally lock up the house and go upstairs, I'm waiting for you in your bedroom."
"Am I scared when I see you?" I ask.
"The room is dark when you walk in, and when you switch on the light, it doesn't come on. I've unscrewed the bulb. I edge around you and close your bedroom door and you freak out when it clicks shut. He closes his arm suddenly around my arm, causing me to jump.
"W-what then?"
"You're looking all around, trying to figure out what's happened, when I grab you from behind." He gently grabs my arm with one hand and I shriek, and then laugh, but it's a bit scary. I can't anticipate when he might make a move. Even though he's not hurting me, and he's not going to hurt me, the knowledge that at some point he's going to startle me makes my heart race.
Because it's dark. And I can't see anything.
Edward continues in a low, menacing voice. "But I never let you see my face. Like now. I whisper, 'take off your clothes', and even though you can't see me, I watch as you slowly pull off your sweater, then lower your jeans. And your body flushes the most edible pink." Edward nibbles on my ear and I shudder.
I have to clarify this point. "Wait, is that for real? I knew you said you could see in the dark, but you can see perfectly?"
Edward nods. "Oh, yeah."
"Well, how many fingers am I holding up?" I flash a peace sign.
"Bella, please. I can see perfectly well in the dark. You are holding up two fingers. So, you stand naked in the darkness and I growl, really softly." Edward pulls me close and growls for me, and it's like a soft lion's growl, but otherworldly sounding. I've never heard anything like it. Well, there's nothing like it, really.
His hand still toys with my nipple. "I say, 'You better run, little girl'. And you take off." He gently shakes me. I shiver excitedly. Edward begins to stroke my back, one frigid finger up and down my spine.
"S-so I run?"
"You run. Down the stairs. But you're not wearing any clothes, so you can't go outside. You tear into the kitchen and hide in the back hall. You can hear my slow footsteps, as they take each stair. Clop. Clop. Clop." I hear the smile in Edward's voice. He's enjoying this as much as I am.
"Do you know exactly where I am?"
He laughs. "Well, of course I know where you are." My face tilts up, questioning. And I guess he'll see that, even if I can't.
"Bella, I can hear your heartbeat a block away. So, I creep into the dark kitchen, very slowly, and you get a glimpse of me. You make a break for the back door but I catch you. And you're naked and I press your blazing body to mine." He holds my body close. "You feel my cock, Bella, ready and waiting, and you open your mouth to scream." And here it is, hard and cold, pressing against me.
I can picture it perfectly.
Edward continues, "I release you, and you take a few steps backward as I advance. When you fetch up against the wall, you know there's no escape."
"What happens then?" I whisper.
I pull you back into the kitchen and circle you, saying, 'I can't make up my mind if I'd rather drink your blood or fuck you.'" This last is whispered in my ear, his sweet breath causing the little hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. His hand is in my curls again, petting and stroking.
"And you stand there, trembling and naked, and say, 'can't you do both?' And that intrigues me, so—" Edward abruptly stops, probably thinking about the wisdom of continuing a fantasy he's had about bedding me and killing me.
"Go on!" I urge
"Um, it's…I don't know if I should share it."
"It's sexy. I don't care if you kill me in the end. Just finish it," I growl. Silence. He doesn't seem convinced.
Edward takes a deep breath. "You say, 'I know what you are.' So I pick you up and race upstairs. I throw you on your bed and—"
I grab his cock. "Go on," I murmur. "What do you do to me?"
"Ah…I, um, okay, so, um, I can hear your heart beating erratically. I think it's from fear, but it's from desire. The scent of it emanates from you like a cloud, making me dizzy."
"What does my desire smell like?" I ask. I stroke his ice-cold cock and he shudders delicately.
"Um, it, a…smells musky. Not like cinnamon. It's a deeper, baser scent. Not floral. Like…moss. Or earth. Anyway, the moon shines in the window and our eyes meet. You kneel on the bed and start undoing my belt and my jeans."
My heart pounds in my chest as I pump Edward's cock. "Um, I say, 'Are you a virgin, Bella?' You nod. And then my pants are on the floor, and I see your body, glowing naked in the moonlight, and I crawl on top of you."
"Oooh. Do you hurt me?" I can picture this. I'm on my bed, waiting for Edward freaking Cullen to fuck me.
He doesn't answer. Instead, he says, "You're wet, Bella, and you want it. You say, 'I know you're going to kill me, Edward, but before you drink my blood, fuck me first. Don't let me die a virgin.'And you spread your legs wide. I slowly press my cock up into you and after a few minutes, you're squirming under me and breathing into my mouth and your heat just surrounds me."
"My god. What do you do?" It's thrilling to lay with Edward like this, to hear him say these things.
"I'm kissing you like I can't allow, because of the venom, and your tongue, your scorching, wet tongueis in my mouth. And I'm envious of this part of the fantasy, because I can never feel your scorching tongue in my mouth."
"Tell me the rest," I gasp, as a feeling of unreality washes over me. Is this happening? Am I really laying on this soft rug with Edward Cullen, my husband, telling me his murderous fantasies and getting off on it? With my hand on his cock?
"It's not long until I feel the need to bite." He leans down and nibbles my neck this time.
There's a pause and I gasp, "Go on!"
He takes a breath. "You want to hear the real end? Because it's not pretty. But I want you to remember what I am."
"Yesss."
"Okay. I'm very careful so I don't hurt you, and Bella, in the fantasy, you wrap your legs around me and just scream when you come." My hand continues its rhythm and Edward begins to thrust his hips.
"So, so, what happens?" I think Edward is very close to actually falling off the edge this time.
"Um, remember, you're just a girl who sits next to me in Biology." I growl at him and he continues. "I fuck you in your little bed, and when I come, I bite you, Bella, and your blood flows onto my tongue and slips down my throat, and I've never had anything remotely that good, not in over eighty years. And you're moaning and I'm fucking you and drinking your blood all through my climax."
I keep my hand on Edward's cock, and after another minute, his body shudders, and I realize this throw needs to be washed right away.
We lay still for a minute. "Can you do that, when you change me?" I ask. "Wouldn't that be thrilling for you?"
"What, bite you during my climax?" He sounds incredulous. "What makes you think that I could get away with not killing you?"
"Well, we could have your family standing by." Again, it's easier to say these things with the veil of darkness separating us.
"Ah, I think we should stay with the current plan. Carlisle will dose you with morphine so you won't see the bites coming. That way, you're totally safe."
Totally safe. I take a deep breath, vowing to return to this topic. Maybe I'll change his mind. I decide to speak to Carlisle about it. Edward gives me a last, lingering kiss before going up to shower, leaving me alone to think about what just happened in the last couple of hours. The last couple of days.
The last couple of months.
It's all a whirlwind in my head. Edward's reappearance on E Street and the battle with Victoria. His apology and explanation. Charlie, getting hurt and then moving out of the house. God, what a surprise that had been.
His decision, while coming as a shock and totally out of character, made sense. He had been suffering from a debilitating and life-changing injury. He had to feel let down after I told him I was joining Edward's family. I wonder if he'll come to regret it after he's recuperated a bit.
Doesn't matter now. It's done, and I'm not sorry about it. I've made my way without parental support for years. Now, Edward and I are together.
Boy, are we together.
I think about his fantasy. Stalking me, seducing me, the sex, and then the fact that he bites me and drinks my blood while he comes. And then I'm dead. He's had fantasies about murdering me in my bed.
How do I feel about this?
It takes approximately thirty seconds for me to accept it. Because I have to, as I have accepted Edward. Not a human. And how many times has be banged this point home? It's not as if he ever tried to hide his vampire nature from me. He's told me over and over that he is dangerous. I'm the one who hasn't been paying attention. Or maybe, I have been paying attention, but I just don't care.
Because I love him. And I have loved him from almost the minute of our first conversation, at the Biology table.
He didn't murder my in my bed, or anything even close. Hell, I couldn't get the dude to put his hand on my breast, over my shirt. Like he said, sex wasn't even on the radar. So I'm not going to, at this point, suddenly be angry at him for what he is. For what cannot be changed. And isn't honesty better than the alternative?
Of course it is. I know that I'm young, but I'm not so naïve as to believe that everything we fantasize about is what we really want. It's sexy fun that exists in our own heads, unless we're brave enough to share it. And I could tell that Edward really didn't want to share that he'd bitten me while coming, because my blood calls to him in a way that I can't begin to imagine.
But share it he did. And it was the truth. And I'm going to turn my mind away from just how hot that is.
Before I drift off into sleep, I replay the scene in the kitchen. Bent over the table. Thong bitten off. Icy fingers, sliding up inside me, as Edward and I both watched. The look on his face was priceless, like he couldn't believe what he was doing. My expression was probably the same.
But when he'd entered me, the feeling of being so filled. God. I'd been worried about the size of his cock. Dang, it's a monster. Way bigger than I'd imagined in my fantasies. Long and thick and…just perfect. But Alice was right. Vagina, not a rigid tube. That sucker stretches.
My eyes flutter open as strong, cold arms lift me gently and whisk me up the stairs. Edward gently places me on the cool sheets and then pulls up the blanket.
A kiss is planted on my forehead, the icy lips lingering for a moment. "Bella," Edward whispers, "I love you."
And sleep overtakes me again.
Well, he was just seventeen
And you know what I mean
And the way he looked
Was way beyond compare
I'll never dance with another
Oh, when I saw him standing there.