Chapter 88 Chapter notes
This is the rewritten first part of chapter 87. I've broken it into three chapters.
Bella doesn't blame Edward for his lapse. She can now finally understand the overarching impulse that all vampires share: the call of blood.
The chapter title belongs to Alice Cooper
Chapter 88 Caught in a Dream December 29th 10:32 am Bella POV
Day One
The family crowds around me with eager and relieved faces, but I have eyes for one person only. Edward stands apart from them, with that same, soulful look on his face, as if he's a bit unsure.
"How do you feel?" he asks.
How do I feel. How do I feel?
I take a deep breath, but find it isn't necessary. My body doesn't hunger for the air. I flex my fingers, feeling power there. When I stand up, everyone steps back quickly, and I realize that I moved abruptly. Have to work on that…
Shards of sunlight creep in through the trees and strike Jasper on the arm, which ricochet to Esme, Carlisle and Alice. The light zig-zags back and forth in a bright prism of colors. I'm mesmerized for a moment as I follow the path of the light. Watching it is like what I imagine an acid trip might be like.
They all smile at me. Everyone except Edward. Our eyes meet and he opens his arms to me, but tentatively. Like he's hesitant. Like I might not want him anymore. I realize right away that he thinks he has to confess what I already know. That he bit me. He nearly killed me.
But he didn't. And I'm here now, on the other side.
Finally. Finally on the other freakin' side.
I step into his embrace and feel immediately soothed. He holds me tight and strokes my back, and all my nerve endings come alive. All my nerve endings. We sway on the spot for a moment, and I feel that the puzzle is almost complete. I can see the picture it is forming, anyway.
But a few pieces are left to place. There's a Charlie shaped piece that I can't finagle in the right way. It's an odd shape, with jagged corners and dips. It looks like it will go one way, then another. I see immediately that this piece will take some time to fit. It's a big piece, an important piece, and the picture just isn't complete without it.
And the picture? It's of Edward and Bella, hand in hand. Happy. Carefree. With Charlie and Maya in their lives. In my mind, I see the reality of the situation, and my dad and his new wife are still in the distance, physically. Emotionally, though, they're at the end of a phone line, at least for a while.
I drop my arms from around Edward as I try to categorize how I feel. When I step back from him, I look up into his perfect face. I'd only ever seen him with weak human eyes, but now I take in the perfection, the sheer beauty of the man. The room is completely silent as we stand together, still in the way that only Immortals can manage.
I'd wanted to be so cool about this change. I'd promised myself that, no matter how weird it was, I would open my eyes and say, 'God, that was terrible. How is everyone! C'mon, Edward, let's hunt!'
What a fool I'd been. What a fool. I lick my lips and am suddenly overcome with a deep regret. How many times had Edward said you don't want this. How many times? How often had he told me that my humanity wasn't something to throw away? That I had my whole life ahead of me? And I didn't listen, or even try to. I thought I knew better.
I begin to edge away from him and his family. He frowns and says, "Bella, what is it?" When I reach the bed, which is situated in the corner of the room, to make way for the family to enter, I guess, I climb onto it and scoot all the way back. I hold my hands up in front of me in a protective gesture, and nobody moves.
Nobody says a word. I feel a thing in my chest that approximates how I felt as a human, right before I bawled like a baby. When it erupts, I'm shocked, but not surprised that no tears flow. It's just sobs. Rhythmic contractions of an undead creature. No more tears.
What have I done? I hold my hands over my face as I try to come to grips with all of this. After A few minutes, when I've calmed down at bit, I lower my hands and look up at my new family. They're all standing in the same spots, maybe recalling their own awakenings. Edward's face is drawn into a sad frown, but he respects my wishes and doesn't approach me.
I take a deep breath that I find isn't really useful. Like Edward said, it's a learned response, I guess. I can sense the potential in my limbs, know without thinking about it that I could run through a wall without breaking a sweat. It's here, inside of me. A raw, seething power. I'm like an electric line, just waiting for someone to plug something into me.
This strength is mind-boggling. I look at Edward and try to imagine how he kept this part of his nature chained when he was with me. How did he do it? He'd told me that he could easily kill me if he wasn't careful, but of course I couldn't know exactly what that meant.
I do now.
I lick my lips and hold my hand over my heart. Silence. Edward had gone on about his 'dead heart', but again, I didn't stop to try and consider what that meant. My heart beats no more. There is no more blood running through my veins anymore.
A thousand thoughts zing around in my head, and I'm amazed that I can categorize them all. I want answers, and when I open my mouth to speak, feel a pain so severe that it makes me gasp. My hand flies to my throat, which feels like a blast furnace. I thought the fire was gone!
Edward reaches out a hand to me, but doesn't come onto the bed. "You need to hunt, Bella. Then you'll feel better."
Blood. Blood is the only thing that will make me feel better. The only thing my body will now accept as nourishment. I cower back against the wall and hear the family muttering unhappily. They're not sure how to approach me, what the best strategy is. Edward asks them to leave us alone, probably thinking that's the best way forward, but I hold up a hand. "No, wait," I say, with a gasp of pain.
They all stop in their progress toward the door and wait expectantly for me to speak. Finally, I say, "What is going on with Charlie? Has anyone checked on him to make sure he's okay?"
"I've called him twice," Edward says. "Also spoke to Maya. He's having a hard time." The family glances around at each other nervously.
"When he was rocking me and singing lullabies, I wanted to tell him that I'd chosen this. Well, not falling and getting bitten and nearly dying, but this. Here with—"
Edward's mouth falls open and I stop talking. I crawl off the bed and stand beside him.
Carlisle's face is alight with curiosity. "How much did you hear, Bella? It's unusual for someone in the throes of their conversion to have much awareness of the outside world."
"I heard what was happening off and on," I say. "I remember snagging my boots together and falling off the patio. I smacked the side of my head on the bricks, and woke up in Edward's arms with my neck on fire. I knew that he'd heard the fall and had come out to save my life."
"What else do you remember?" Edward says. His expression is wary, pained.
"The smell of the blood," I say seriously. "You were rocking me and said that it was going to be all right." I think back. "And then I did something really stupid. I struggled, and you always told me that the struggle mimics prey."
Edward's forehead is creased. "Yeah, I told you that I'd saved you. And then you wanted down, but I held you tight. You kicked out and swatted at me, and that, with all the blood, just ganged up on me." He gives me a pleading look, as if he's begging me to understand. Then he looks away and says, "I…I bit you, Bella. I lost control again and bit you."
"Yeah, I know," I say. This statement surprises the entire family.
Edward holds me out at arm's length and just stares at me. "You know? How do you know?"
"Well, I was there, wasn't I?" I wrinkle my nose and say, "I felt the blood from my head wound dripping all over me, and then I knew it would be all over you, too. I felt the small bite on my neck, where you injected the venom, and then you wouldn't let me go."
The family mills about restlessly, as if there's going to be a confrontation. I shake my head. "I know what had happened, Edward. You bit me. You really bit me. Right here." I point to an area of unblemished skin under my left ear. "I thought I was going to die in your arms, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. When I'd about given up hope, I heard Alice's voice, screaming your name."
The entire family is looking at me expectantly. "The pain in my neck was so bad that it got totally on top of me for a while. I woke up in the house, with Carlisle biting me all over." I screw my face up and look at him. "Why did you do that? It hurt so bad!"
He smiles. "It's better to administer the venom to many places at once, Bella, to get it into your system. It's over with faster that way. It can take days and days if it has to make its way to the heart slowly. I know that I hurt you, and I'm sorry."
"Oh, right," I say, remembering what Edward had told me. Carlisle's own conversion was from a single, shallow bite to the wrist, and it had taken over a week before he was through the process. When he emerged with a strong desire to preserve human life, he'd attributed his compassion to a slow transformation, which is why he'd only bitten Edward a single time. That process, according to Edward, had taken eleven days. I shudder at the thought.
Carlisle had said that later, when he'd spoken to other Immortals, he'd been wrong, and his compassion hadn't been due to a slow conversion. He's sped up the change in Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. And then with me.
"What else do you remember?" Carlisle asks.
"Charlie was really upset," I say with a shake of my head. "You know, I'd never known him to cry before. I'd certainly never heard his singing voice. It was lovely." To the room at large, I ask, "Why did he act like he didn't know anything? I told him most of it, that day in his hospital room."
"He must have been still recuperating from the anesthesia. Sometimes it takes a few days after surgery for the hypnotic effects to wear off. He was pretty upset, but I told him everything," Carlisle says.
"I remember how upset he was," I say with a sigh. "I never wanted my choices to affect him, but now look. He's retired from a job that he loved, and he's on the ragged edge of a nervous breakdown due to this." I wave my arms around.
"You have every right to make the choices for your life that please you, Bella." Edward's normally good-humored face is stern. "Charlie will grow to accept your choice. I promise." He's sincere, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
"When can I speak to him?" I ask.
"How about after you hunt?" Edward says. "You'll feel much better after you feed."
After you feed.
Not after you eat. After you feed.
It comes to me in one blinding realization. I. Am. No. Longer. Human.
From now on, for like forever, I will feed instead of eat. I will never again taste Pop Tarts or drink Dr. Pepper or snack on Cheetos. I won't sleep, ever again, or dream. I will never suffer another birthday.
And there isn't any going back.
I'm quite aware that I've escaped to the safety of Edward's bed again and am huddledin a ball in the corner. He holds his hand out to me again and I slowly crawl toward him, amazed when I take the hand that it isn't cold any more.
Truthfully, it's that my hand is now dead and cold. No longer warm.
No longer alive.
Edward gently pulls me to my feet, and I find that the act requires no effort. One second, on the bed. Next second, standing. As if by magic. "What else do you remember?" Alice asks.
I look at her, promising myself that I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm here, and I'll have to adjust. It was my choice, after all. "Um, when I opened your and Jasper's closet, I saw a gift bag with my name on it. When I shook that orange shirt out, I didn't even think about the white buttons." I look around. "You know about this, right? About Charlie's dream?"
The family nods sadly. "He took it with him? That bloody shirt?" When I chew on my lip and wring my hands, Edward finally smiles.
When I give him a questioning look, he sighs and says, "Venom might be flowing through your veins instead of blood, but you're still my Bella." He strokes my palm with his thumb. I feel immediately soothed. "It's all right. Charlie is okay. Or, he will be. He's strong, Bella. And he has Maya to help him."
"And what's going on with Rosalie and Emmett?" I ask. Edward's face hardens and the family shifts about unhappily. I feel a frown grow on my face. "I heard you two fighting, and then the conversation with Emmett. Could you really rip her head off? I mean, she's your sister."
Carlisle changes the subject abruptly. "It really is extraordinary that you were so aware, Bella. I wonder why?"
I lick my lips and glance at Edward. His face is a hard mask. "I know why."
Edward hangs his head. "After I administered the venom to Bella's neck, I held her in my arms. And the blood…it got all over me, and I…I…" He looks at me with an expression of regret. "I pressed my face to the wound in your head, Bella," he says sadly. "I sucked the blood, but the wound was trying to close, so I bit. That's when you really woke up."
I nod. "My whole brain felt like it was on fire. I thought my head had exploded. I heard Carlisle say that I had a cracked skull. So the venom was able to make contact with my brain directly."
Carlisle's lips part in amazement. "Of course. That is a perfect explanation, Bella." He blinks a few times as if in thought. "You know, I've never heard of a conversion taking place in that way. You may be unique," he says with a smile. "We can put this behind us, I think, and move on?" He looks hopeful, but not entirely certain that his suggestion will be taken.
Edward turns his gaze on me and his expression of love and compassion is so profound, it almost feels intimate. A feeling that I share one hundred percent.
"I forgave Edward for leaving me the minute he'd walked out the door. I forgave him for nearly killing me the minute that he put his mouth on me. Edward once told me that everyone in this family was here because they had chosen a different way to live. But he said, 'We are what we are, and we do the best that we can do'."
The family blinks their surprise at me but I only have eyes for Edward. "It's the Cullen mantra, right? We'll have tee shirts made, and wear them every day." I grab his hand and say, trying to sound hopeful, "Let's go hunt. I'm hungry."
"Thirsty," Alice corrects.
I give her a weak smile. "Whatever."
We escape out the side door, and while we're still near the house, Edward says, "We shouldn't run into anyone, but if we come upon a human, I won't be strong or fast enough to restrain you."
I frown. "What?" Our eyes meet and I say, "Are you telling me that I won't be strong enough to resist? That I'll kill like Esme did, when she ran through the screen door?"
Edward takes a deep breath and looks around. "Let's just hunt close by." I agree, only because my throat is killing me, and he hesitantly leads the way into the thick woods that border Cullen land. I smell something around the bend, and watch as Edward crouches into the instinctive hunting pose. Something I've been waiting to see ever since I'd found out the truth about his family.
And it is thrilling.
"Follow me. And watch." I nod and we creep up the side of the mountain. Edward jumps out just as a doe makes a run for it and he catches her around the middle. They roll on the bracken and when he pins her, he opens his mouth in a way that I've never seen before or could scarcely imagine.
He never opened his mouth like that in front of me. Maybe it only happens before feeding. It's shocking. It opens really, really wide, and it looks like there are a lot more teeth in there than in a human mouth. Maybe not. I'll have to ask. He presses his gaping mouth onto the doe's neck and chomps. She squeals briefly, and is then silent.
And the blood. The blood! I smell it! It doesn't make me sick like it used to. It smells delicious. I inhale deeply and then it's all I can think about. Blood. Thick, red, luscious blood. I feel lightheaded and I'm not sure what my name is. I can feel myself fidgeting, the hollow yearning in my belly and burning in my throat occupying all of my thoughts. When my hands begin to tremble, I leap forward just as Edward moves away.
With a chuckle, he holds a hand out and says, "I was going to say 'take this one', but you seem to have worked that out for yourself."
Without hesitation, I fall on the animal. Before my change, I'd thought that I'd never take to drinking blood. I mean, yuck. But this is heaven. There's a primal satisfaction in pulling the blood out of the doe's body, feeling it coat my tongue and then slip down my throat. I find that I've gripped the animal tight to my body, and I'm sucking as hard as I can. As the flow ebbs, I get just a drop at a time, and it's incredibly sensuous. I keep sucking until not a drop is left, then disengage. I pat the beautiful animal's head and silently thank her for her life and her blood.
Our eyes meet and Edward smiles. "Well?"
"Wow. I try to frame my thoughts into words, but there are so many ideas bouncing around in my head that I need a moment to sort them out. He waits patiently. Finally, I say, "That was way different than I imagined. My throat feels better, but it still hurts."
"Yeah. That never goes away. Not on a diet of animal blood."
"But your throat isn't burning right now." I say this with authority, as the proof is shining in Edward's eyes. They burn with my blood. And not just a little blood. They glow in the weak sun, a bright fluorescent red. Now it's Edward's turn to fidget.
"How close was it?" I ask. He winces and tries to look away, but I pull him to face me.
"Close, Bella. Too close. The scenario I'd always warned you about nearly played out, right there by the brick path. When I realized how badly you were hurt, I gave you a small bite and injected a bit of venom, like you remember, but while I held you, the blood from your head just dripped all over me, and…and—"
"And you got lightheaded, and you forgot your name. And then you forgot my name. Because the blood is the most important thing, and it just takes over your whole being. And nothing else matters but the blood."
He nods slowly. "That's what just happened to you." Not a question. "That is what I always warned you about, Bella. That something would occur to distract me and my protective instincts would be overcome. The fiend would rise up and take control. Can you understand that now?"
"The fiend," I say. "Your vampire nature, you mean?"
Edward nods slowly. "I've had some close calls, Bella. The first day in Biology class. The meadow. In your room, with your stitches pulled and blood leaking from you and all over your bed. But nothing was as bad as when I picked you up after your fall. Because you were still alive, your blood just pumped out of your head wound, and the stress, combined with the blood just ganged up on me."
"Can you explain that?"
He takes a deep breath. "After you become acclimated to humans, and this will take a few years at least, you'll be able to ignore how they smell. Because they all smell good enough to eat. You can't let yourself go there if you want to interact with mortals in regular society. But the fiend is always there, just waiting to get loose. Flowing blood combined with stress is just the worst trigger. The struggle is the key that unlocks the door. And then the fiend is out."
I wait and he says, "That's what happened when I held you in my arms. I bit you initially because I thought you were about to die, and then the blood. Your blood. When you struggled against me, he got out." He shakes his head. "It's hard to keep him caged, but almost impossible to control him once he's out, until he's fed."
I take his hand in mine, feeling my awareness grow, along with my acceptance. This is it. This is my life now. "I think I finally understand," I say. "I'm not blaming you, Edward. When you told me all that stuff, about how you were dangerous, I thought I understood." I give a little laugh as I focus my eyes on the distant trees. I can see the veins in the leaves, spy a little bug crawling along a branch. "You were right. Nobody can understand this life until they experience it."
He puts a finger to his lips and points up ahead, where a few more deer have congregated. He nods to me and I go into action, leaping into the air as an animal jumps across the path. I try to grab it around the middle, like Edward did, but it's too big and I can't gain purchase. Before I've realized this, the doe shakes me off and the whole bunch of them melt into the trees.
I land hard on the ground and Edward is there, pulling me up. "Damn!" I say. "What did I do wrong?"
He just smiles. "It'll come to you. C'mon. Follow me. They're still up here."
We creep up again, and I mimic Edward's stance. His head is slightly back. He's catching their scent. But I can't smell anything except these trees. We walk for about ten minutes and then he stops and turns. And I smell it, too. He doesn't instruct me, just stands aside and lets me try.
I wait patiently, well not super patiently, but I wait for an animal to make its appearance onto the path. When I see its leg take a step forward, I give it one more second and then pounce. This time, I get the doe around the neck. I try to pin her the way Edward had, but she ends up bolting, with me holding onto her. I'm not sure what to do and she throws me off, but before she escapes, I run and jump on her again. This time, I give an almighty twist to her neck and she collapses.
I fall on her and feel my own mouth open in that shocking parabola, feel the power as I chomp through the hide and into the artery. Hot blood spurts into my waiting mouth, but it's mixed with something bitter. I pull my mouth away. "What is that taste?"
Edward is watching me with interest. "Ah, it's the venom. It takes a bit of practice to hold it back while you feed. It won't hurt you, but it doesn't taste good. Try to suppress it by holding the back of your throat taut. You can't stop its flow, but you can slow it down." I blink a few times, then find that I can do exactly what he told me. I smile and continue feeding, feeling an odd mixture of hunger and satiation, combined with a weird sexuality. My girl part is on fire.
When I'm done, I get up and rip off my clothes. Edward's brow raises and I jump on him, knocking him to the ground. We roll around for a while, shedding pants and shoes and shirts, until we're both fully naked. He kisses me, and I can finally put my tongue in his mouth.
Heaven.
I roll over and hop up, then zip into the trees. I can hear him chasing me, but due to my newborn status, I'm faster than he is. I decide to hide until he gets tired of looking and then begs me to come out. I come upon a huge cedar and I chance a look behind me. Nothing. I dart behind it and stand perfectly still. I don't even breathe or peek out.
Minutes tick by, and I think I've lost him. I give a cocky smile just as strong hands grab me from behind and pull my body against his. Without preamble, he bends me over a log and kneels behind me. Every cell of my new body feels alive and is tingling with an unseen force. With his characteristic style, he reaches for one of my hands. When I squeeze, he must take it to mean fuck me right now. Because he positions his cock to enter me. I tense slightly, waiting for my body to acclimate to it, but find it isn't necessary.
He thrusts hard. Way harder than he could when I was a frail human. Raw electricity runs all up and down my body. His cock inside me, in this position, would have been thrilling when I was human. Now, it's off the charts fantastic. His hands grip my hips as he fucks me, and time seems to stand still.
Abruptly, he pulls out and lays me on the ground. And if I thought penetrative sex was good as a vampire, then oral sex is in its very own category of wow. His tongue meanders up the inside of one leg, all the way to my pussy. When it touches my clitoris, I see a kaleidoscope of color behind my eyes. My head spins and I forget where we are. Can't remember my own name or what we're doing here. My whole reality is Edward's tongue, dragging me closer and closer to falling off the edge into some unknown abyss.
I hear myself growl and Edward sucks on my clit, toying with it. My reality condenses to just his tongue against my flesh. I fling my arms out and pull up hunks of grass and ferns as I convulse. Before I've had a chance to say a word, he's on top of me, thrusting and kissing. And I feel it again.
And again.
We roll around on the forest floor, kissing and biting and clutching. Finally, he rolls off of me with a crooked smile playing at the corner of his mouth. "So, how does sex as an Immortal measure up?"
And I'm speechless for a minute. I can think of nothing else but his tongue, licking me. His cock, slamming into me. His hands, roaming my body. The texture of his skin, the taste of him. "My god," is all I manage, as I lay spent, on the ground.
Not really spent. Not physically, anyway. But emotionally, I'm still recuperating.
I'd thought the climaxes I'd had as a human with Edward were the best that they could be: The Mount Everest of sex. They reminded me of tidal waves. Trains, barreling through stations. Explosions. But when I come for the first time as a vampire, it makes those previous orgasms seem pale and insignificant. Like my human life, if I'm honest.
Edward doesn't rush me, and finally I get up and look around. I feel a semblance of normalcy return. Well, as normal as it will probably ever be for me again. "Now what?"
He laughs. "Well, we run back to the kills and bury the carcasses. Can't leave them lying around." I take off and Edward follows, but I don't know where I'm going, so I stop. He grabs my hand, and in a few minutes, we're standing over the deer that I killed.
"So how did you know where it was?" I ask.
His brow creases. "Um, I remembered. You'll get the hang of it, Bella. It won't take long. Right now, your brain is busy cataloging and thinking and measuring. It'll come to you. I promise."
He begins to dig, and I watch in fascination. His hands go right through dirt and roots, and before long, a pile of dirt appears beside a growing hole. I fall to my knees and dig with him, and moments later, we drop the body in and cover it over with dirt.
We run back to the first deer, the one he took down, and bury it as well. "Have you thought about carrying these animals to the Indians?" I ask, as we both get dressed. "They would probably love to cook the meat. There's not a treaty anymore, right? So you could hunt above the reservation and then cart the carcasses down for butchering."
"That's a great idea," Edward says. "But there's just one thing. The Indians are allergic to the venom. We can't be certain that it's completely removed after we feed. It might seep into the flesh, and then whoever ate it would be poisoned. It's a nice idea, but way too dangerous."
I must have a sad expression, because Edward says, "But we could actually hunt the animals and take the meat down to La Push. I mean, break the neck, without injecting any venom."
"Yeah. Let's do that sometime." Edward presses a hard kiss to my mouth and then we're off. I'm amazed at how fast I can run without tiring. It's thrilling to jump the river; although, unlike Edward, I make it only part of the way across and land in the churning water. But it's not cold on my skin, and I swim easily to the shore, where Edward stands, smiling at me.
"It takes a bit of practice to make it all the way across, but we have plenty of time for that." I wait on the porch as he fetches me a towel, so I don't track water all through the house. I strip off my clothes, wrap up, and run upstairs for a quick shower. On Edward's bed I see all the clothes he and Alice had bought for me over the past months and choose jeans, wool socks, waterproof boots, and a pink hoodie. While I'm getting dressed, Edward bags the rest to take home.
His family is not in the house. Don't know where they are and Edward doesn't remark. He tosses my wet, bloody clothes out the back window, into a charred circle littered with muddy ashes. Edward glances at me and says, "I've haven't bothered to count how many pieces of clothing I've burned down there, but enough that it's scarred the landscape."
Before we go home, he counsels me on the danger of being near humans in my newborn state, and continues this all the way into town. "Hold your breath," he repeats, "and if you see anyone, stay in the car. Remember, you're stronger than I am, so if you get away from me, I won't be able to stop you."
I nervously tap my fingers on the dashboard as we drive. When Edward pulls into the driveway, as bad luck would have it, the neighbor at the far end of the street walks out of his front door to check his mailbox. My hand is on the door handle, and before Edward can stop me, I'm out of the car.
The guy's heart beats a quiet thump, thump, thump as he shuffles along his sidewalk.
And all I think about is the blood. Not that his name is Tim, or that he has a little girl called Jo who lives with her mom in Seattle. His family relationships, his job, his place in the community—these things mean nothing.
Only the blood has meaning.
Sadly for this guy and for everyone in his life, he cut himself shaving this morning. I push Edward out of the way as I sprint beside my house and then run full out behind the homes on my block, until I get to Sam's back door. Edward is beside me all the way, speaking softly about how I don't want to do this, how I'll feel terrible if I kill a human on my very first day out.
But we are what we are, and we do the best that we can do. And my best today, on day one, just isn't good enough.
I'm caught in a dream
So What
You don't know what I'm goin' through
I'm right in between
So I'll
I'll just play along with you