Chapter 89 Chapter Notes

Bella faces her first real test, just hours after she's woken. Will she fail and kill a human, or will she find a way to resist?

The chapter title belongs to The Eagles

Chapter 89 Heartache Tonight

Edward blocks me at Tim's back door, but I scoot around him. He runs in front of me again, trying to distract me, but the blood is all that matters. The blood. It's in the house. Tim is back in his house.

I've smelled the guy. He's history. I don't even try to think about his human life, who he would be leaving behind or the hole left by his death. I can hear the slosh of blood through his heart, the rhythmic pulse as it is forced into the aorta. I close my eyes and see it, a bright crimson stream, trickling out to every capillary. The smell that once turned me green and faint now fascinates.

Standing here in his backyard, I imagine his expanse of white throat, can hear the beat of the blood there. The smell of him hovers around me like a bewitching cloud, inflaming me, maddening me. A cold breeze picks up and I'm immediately relieved by the rush of the air into my lungs. Maybe it's not that. Maybe it's simply dissipating some of the warm, sticky human smell that is now stuck in my nose and on the back of my tongue.

This is what Edward had always told me about my own scent. And yet he had managed to not attack me in our Biology class, or in the meadow, or when I was bleeding out in my room, or god knows how many other times, the latest being just a few nights ago when he had yelled at me to run.

And yet. I know that Edward is way older than I am, and has had many years of practice, but Carlisle said there was something unique about me, because I heard and understood so much of what was going on during my conversion. So maybe this is different about me as well: My ability, as a newborn, to turn away from the call of human blood.

I'm amazed at how many strings of thought I can keep in my head, and a new understanding of Edward and my new reality dawns on me. The Cullens, all seven of them, have survived for decades surrounded by tasty humans. Well, all of them except Jasper, and to hear Edward tell it, he's only had a few lapses out of the thousands of days he's spent sitting next to human-shaped buffet bars in the endless high school classes that all the 'teens' endured.

"Bella," Edward says, his hands on my shoulders, "he's your neighbor. His name is Tim. Remember? He works—"

"I know," I hiss. But Edward keeps speaking to me in a low, calm voice while looking straight into my eyes, which dart around as I try to find a way forward.

And what had he said about Esme's first kill? She drank the guy slowly while Edward watched, unable to intercede, since she had revealed herself to her victim. After he was dead, Edward picked up his body, trotted into the woods for a couple of miles, dug a hole and dropped him in. His family never knew what had happened to him.

He was just gone.

What do I want to do? If I want to kill the guy and drink him, I should do that.

But if I don't want to kill the guy, do I have the strength to turn away?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I realize that only a few seconds have passed. And wow. Again, Edward's ability to interface with me, when I was a simple human, astounds and delights. He must harbor a great love for me, or else why bother?

Relief overtakes me once I've decided I'm not going to kill Tim. And I make a huge mistake, borne of my days as human Bella. I take a deep breath, just as Tim comes to the back door to see what the ruckus is.

I smell the blood on his face that he's tried to staunch with a little piece of toilet paper. My eye is drawn straight to it. "Bella!" he says heartily, when he spots us standing in his yard. "Heard you got married. This your new husband?" He takes a step out of his door with his hand extended and stops in his tracks. Edward has a grip on my upper arm, but I'm pulling against him. Tim's brow wrinkles as he watches this interplay, and I make my second mistake.

I stare at him with my glowing eyes. I can feel my hands trembling and something inside of me opens up really wide, and I'm propelled forward. Toward my meal. I feel my mouth open, grotesque and gaping, feel my teeth bared in preparation to feed.

Tim seems stunned. He just stands there, gaping at me like a fool. Like he can't believe what is happening. Just then, the clouds part and shower Edward and me in sunlight. This sight jolts Tim into action. He yelps and staggers back, but before he can make a run for it, Edward darts forward. He grabs Tim's head between his hands and gives a sharp twist.

I hear the crack of Tim's neck as it breaks cleanly and watch, horror-struck, as he collapses in Edward's arms. He gives a quick look up and down the expanse behind the houses. It's a work day, so most people are safe at their jobs. What Tim was doing at home, I have no idea, but now we have a body to dispose of.

A body full of blood.

Full of blood.

Edward throws Tim's body over his shoulder and takes me by the hand. In a few minutes, we're well back from the edge of the trees, bathed in deep shade, surrounded by close-growing conifers. Tim is unceremoniously dropped to the ground and Edward takes me in his arms. I'm quite aware that I am trembling and that venom is dripping down my chin.

With one hand, Edward calls Jasper. When he answers, Edward tells him what just happened. "Alice and I will be there in a few," he says. The line goes dead. Edward turns to me. "I had to do that," he says. "He was about to scream or run off, hysterical. But you don't have to worry about it. It's not your kill. Not your fault."

It most certainly was my fault. I'm enveloped in Edward's arms, and he whispers, "Go ahead and feed. He's already dead, and I know you're desperate." I pull back from Edward and try to quell the trembling I feel, the tremors that run through my entire body at being so close to human blood in my newborn state.

I look around. It's just Edward and me, and poor Tim, lying face down in the bracken.

"Go on, Bella," Edward says gently.

And that's all the encouragement I need.

I'm unaware of the small knot of people who stand around me, until I pull my mouth away from Tim. Truthfully, I kept my mouth on him long after the blood had been transferred from his body to mine, simply to catalog the experience. The doe's blood stopped me from being a starving, staring wreck, but this blood, human blood, was magnificent.

I feel it, weaving its way to the very tips of my fingers and toes. If I didn't know better, I would swear that it had made its way to the ends of each and every hair on my head. I feel completely satiated. Full. And the burn in my throat is mercifully gone.

It's only when I stand up and see Jasper, Alice, Edward, Esme and Carlisle, do I realize what just happened. What I caused.

What I did.

I don't know what to do. Panic sets in. Do I run? Go home? Or face my family with my failure? It's not like I can hide it from them, as they obviously watched as I fed on my neighbor.

MY NEIGHBOR.

Edward holds his hand out but doesn't touch me, maybe sensing or actually seeing the incipient horror that's dawning on me. "Bella," he says gently, "it's all right. He was already dead."

I back away from all of them, quite aware that my mouth is gaping open and that thing I'd felt in my chest is about to erupt again. "Either take Bella further into the woods or home, Edward," Carlisle says in a low voice. "We'll deal with this here."

Edward's hand is still outstretched toward me, and when our eyes meet, I see only understanding and patience. Not what I think I deserve, which is disgust and disdain. "What do you want to do?" he asks.

What do I want to do? I lick my lips and dart my gaze to the family. They all stand with a bland acceptance of what just happened. No judgement. "Home," I whisper. Edward nods once, grabs my hand, and we begin the short run back to the house.

Once he's hustled me in, he slams the door shut and stands before it, like I'm going to rush him and escape. Dude, I could just run through the wall, or bust out the window. Sheesh. I collapse onto the sofa and hold my head in my hands, unable to believe what I just did.

How pleasurable it was.

How much I enjoyed it.

Finally, Edward sits beside me and I realize what he did. He killed Tim so I didn't have to. He said he'd done it because Tim was going to run off and say he's seen us in his yard with glowing eyes and sparkly skin, but that's not the truth.

He did it so I wouldn't have to. He killed a human for me.

"How close were you to losing control?" he asks me with a serious look on his face.

I think about it. I certainly was trembling, and I could feel the 'fiend', as he calls it, ready to escape, but I'm not sure that I was in imminent danger of betraying the family. I just shake my head and he pulls me to sit on his lap. And he rocks me.

Neither of us says anything. I don't ask who is going to bury Tim's body, or where.

Tim. God, what have we done? He was a good guy. Went fishing with Charlie. Painted his house all the time, because he said he didn't like to see the mildew, creeping up the shady side. Drove a Dodge, for god's sake. Regular, ordinary guy.

And now he's dead.

I get up off of Edward's lap, but he stays seated. I feel his eyes follow me, though, as I walk to the window and peek out. When I chance a look at him, he still has that ultra-serious expression on his face. His brow is creased and his lips are parted. "Okay," I say with a sigh. "Tell me how I'm supposed to feel. Because I don't think I have ever felt worse."

"I tried to tell you, Bella. This was almost a certainty. Hardly any of us get away without slipping. It's tragic, but it's done. And please remember that you didn't kill Tim. I did."

"Well, you said that Rosalie has never tasted human blood. Why couldn't I be like that?" I realize that my voice sounds a teensy bit whiny. Not cool.

Edward rears back and makes a derisive noise in his throat. "We lived in the middle of nowhere," he says. "Like, a hundred miles from anyone at all. Under those circumstances, it's not hard to abstain, when there isn't anybody to feed on. It was bad luck that this happened with Tim, but let's not dwell on it. Tim is gone, but you will go on. You and I, Bella, will go on. It only gets easier from here."

I hear a rap on the door and Edward says, "That's the family." In a moment, we're all in the sitting room, having taken seats on the settee and bench seat and floor.

Carlisle is all business, like this sort of thing happens all the time. I reflect that it's happened enough that they have a system to deal with it. Wonderful. "We wanted you both to know that Tim is buried out in the woods, about ten miles from here, in a high, remote area. We weren't spotted, so there aren't any witnesses to tie us to his disappearance."

He looks at me. "Bella, I'm sure that Edward has shared the difficulties that various family members have experienced. You're not alone. Please try to let this go. Where you and Edward are going, there won't be much opportunity for a slip, so I think you'll be safe."

I nod. I can't meet his eye. I can't look at any of them. What a failure! Hours old, and I feed on a human! Out of the corner of my eye, I see that weird communication that exists between Edward and Alice. He gives a nod and she stands. "Bella, will you come upstairs with me?"

Once in the media room, Alice plops dramatically down on the squashy green sofa. Without looking at me, she says, "I woke under a tree, with no memory of my human life. My first kill was when I was three days old. A young man walking down the lane. He had on a white shirt and a yellow tie. I grabbed him as he walked by and fed on him while he was still alive and kicking."

I say nothing. She continues, "I restrained myself only because I'd seen Carlisle and this amazing family in my future, but it wasn't easy. My next kill was about a year later. I'd let myself get too thirsty, and an older woman had taken a room in the same boarding house I was living in. One night, I couldn't stand it and climbed in her window. I broke her neck, though, as I couldn't have her screaming."

"What did you do about your eyes?" I ask. Like that's the most important question I can come up with.

"I stayed indoors during the daylight, which I had to do anyway," she says simply. "I had one other lapse, about a year after that. And this one is hard for me to remember, because it was a child. Well, a young teen." Here, she looks straight at me. "His name was Thomas and his family lived near the river. I was swimming and he didn't see me. He jumped in and swam downstream, to a shady, secluded spot."

She looks into the distance, her eyes losing focus. I don't interrupt. "His blood was really sweet. He was a good kid. I dragged his body under the water and weighed it down with a huge stone. And then I had to listen to his mother go mad when he didn't return from his dip in the river.

"The next year, she killed herself."

We're both silent for a minute. "So you see, Bella, occasional lapses are part of our existence. Don't beat yourself up. You'll get better at blocking human scents, and you'll become more disciplined."

"Edward did try to tell me," I confess. "I just thought it would be easier. Like, it wouldn't be so hard for me. And I feel awful that Edward killed the guy because of my weakness."

"Not a weakness, sweetie. It's just the way that it is. Tell me, what's your next move? Yours and Edwards."

"I don't know now. I just want to call Charlie. After that, I think we're going to go up into the mountains above La Push, but nothing is set in stone yet."

We go downstairs and the family leaves. Jasper didn't do that thing where he makes everybody feel warm and fuzzy, and I appreciate that. I need to feel how I feel. Esme gives me a long hug and whispers, "It gets easier, Bella. It does."

Carlisle hangs back and takes me aside. He places his hands on my shoulders and looks at me seriously. "Put this behind you, Bella. It's the only way forward. You and Edward are poised on the cusp of a great adventure, so don't mar the beginning of your life together with recriminations and regrets." A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Ah, let Edward comfort you. You'll both feel better for that."

And they're gone, and it's just Edward and me in the house, while Tim's dead body lies in an unmarked grave, food for the worms.

Edward makes a fire and we curl up together on the settee. He holds me tight and strokes one arm. The blaze crackles and sparks, warming our cold, dead bodies. "I owe you an apology," I say finally.

He turns to me, a look of confusion on his face.

"I understand," I say seriously, while nodding my head slowly, looking at Edward with a new comprehension. "Now I understand."

We sit in silence while I digest this new reality. I feel trapped. "I won't be able to check my own mailbox, or go to the grocery store, or do anything around humans, will I?"

"Not for a while," he says with a gentle smile. "But you won't need to go to the grocery store ever again." This doesn't comfort me.

"I felt this thing open up inside of me, Edward! Was that the fiend? It just…almost took control. I was fighting as hard as I could to stay beside you, but I wasn't sure I could do it! I never imagined it could be so strong, this…this hunger. This need." I shake my head sadly. "I'm so sorry that I didn't take you seriously. I didn't know."

Edward hugs me and kisses the top of my head. "Don't worry about it. There was no way that you could possibly understand as a human. I wasn't ever trying to talk down to you about it. There was nothing that I could compare it to."

I look into his perfect face, just blown away by the power that I feel. It's there, hovering inside of me. An opportunity waiting to happen. There's also a certainty about it all. It must be part of the vampire physiology, because it's not emotional. It's a feeling that I could overpower anything. Well, maybe not a fellow Immortal. I'd have to put some muscle into that exchange, but anything in the mortal world will pale before me.

And, wow.

"How do you feel, knowing you will never sleep again? Never eat another Pop Tart? Never tire?" Edward's face is serious. He really wants to know.

"I thought about all that earlier. I'll work through it." Truthfully, it sucks. Well, it sucks right now. But I have what I wanted. I can be with Edward forever. And it will get easier.

It has to. Or I will lose my mind.

Edward gets off the settee. "I'm going to shelve the music that arrived in the mail this morning. Might be a good time to call Charlie." I look up at him. My lip trembles and he takes my hand. "Don't tell him about Tim over the phone line, though. I'll tell him when I take the food over later."

I hear Edward walk up the stairs and then go sit in the window seat for a minute. With a sigh, I take my phone out of my pocket and punch Charlie's speed dial number. He answers on the first ring.

"Hello? B-bella?" His voice is frantic. "Is it you, honey?"

"Hey, Dad. It's me. How are you?" I raise my eyebrows at myself. How are you?

There's a pause and then I hear him sobbing. Damn. "Dad, I'm all right."

I wait while he tries to get himself under control. "Bella, I was up there at the Cullen's house, while you were in the middle of that…that transformation, or whatever it was. You were screaming, Bells. It was awful." He says this through choking, gasping sobs. I wonder if I sounded like this after Edward left. It's heartbreaking.

"It's a painful process. But I remember you holding me, singing to me, Dad. Thanks. It helped me a lot." I try to make him hear just how thankful I am that he was there for me.

"I…I saw that, that b-bite on your neck. Honey, that was just terrible. Has it healed?"

"Um, well, Dad," my mouth works but no sound comes out. I take a deep breath and say, "Yeah, it's completely healed."

I hear him swallowing repeatedly, then he takes a rag or cloth of some kind and wipes it over his face. There's a tense silence and finally he says, "Bells, I need to see you, make sure that you're okay."

When I don't respond, he says, "Maya and I could come over for just a short visit. Bells, please."

Mouth working again. No sound. I gotta get a hold of myself here. I dither for another long moment and finally say, "I'm sorry, Dad, but I can't be around humans…people, for a while. I need to acclimate first. Maybe in a few months. But we can talk on the phone every day."

Out of the blue, he says in a rush, with many swallows and gasps and not a little bit of sobbing, "I had such hopes for you, Bells! College, a family! Children!" He breaks down and I hear Maya speaking to him.

"You don't know how much I've worried about how you would adjust to my choice, Dad, but I'm not sorry about it." Not super sorry, anyway. Ask me next week and maybe I'll feel better.

"But Bella, you're so, so young. And from what Maya and Carlisle told me, this is permanent."

"It is. Edward was dead set against me joining his family, but you saw what happened when he was forced to leave me. We both just fell apart. I willingly chose to join his family so we could be together. You want to be with Maya, right? Do you accept her supernatural status?"

There's another pause, and Charlie says, "You know that I do. I love her, Bella. But it's different when it's your daughter."

I get that. I take a deep breath and say, "Edward is going to drop by with all the food in the house. It's all boxed up, except for the cold stuff. Is tonight a good time?"

I hear Maya murmuring to him and he takes a shaky breath. "Yeah, we'll be home. Anytime. But tell me your plans. I-I guess finishing school is out?"

"School will have to wait. Edward and I are going to spend some time above the reservation, in the mountains."

"In the mountains? You're going to leave the house? And I thought you couldn't be around people. What about those poor Indians on the res?"

"Ask Maya about that. And yeah, we're going for a while. It's not like Edward has a job to go to. But we'll call whenever we come into town, which will probably be a couple of times a month."

Charlie takes some deep breaths to calm himself, I guess, and I say, "Edward said that you took that orange shirt with you."

There's a pause. "Yeah. Yeah, I did. Maya finally threw it away." I can imagine him, clutching that bloody shirt in the dark, crying. I'm glad the damn thing is gone.

There's a rustling and someone holds a hand over the receiver, but I can hear what they're saying. Maya is worried about him and wants him to hang up and calm down. After a moment, Maya says, "Hello, Bella."

"Oh, hi, Maya. Listen, I didn't mean to upset Charlie, but we promised that I'd call when I was done with…with the conversion."

"I'm glad that you did," she says. "He was worried about you, and now that he's heard your voice, strong and normal, I think he'll be able to rest. And I know that you're glad that you finally have that awful transition behind you."

I had forced myself to focus totally on the conversation with my father, and not on what happened earlier with Tim, but now that my brain is unengaged, it all comes flooding back to me. Every word that Tim said, every gesture, every facial expression.

The sound it made when Edward twisted his head. The sharp snap of bones breaking.

While I sit in the window seat, it begins to snow very lightly. After about an hour, it covers the ground, and I imagine Tim's grave, slowly blanketed with white. I glance up at the streetlight and make out the individual flakes, but they all look the same.

White and dead.

Like me.

Somebody's gonna hurt someone
Before the night is through
Somebody's gonna come undone
It's nothin' we can do

There's gonna be a heartache tonight
A heartache tonight I know
There's gonna be a heartache tonight
A heartache tonight I know
Lord, I know