Chapter 90 Chapter Notes

Edward worries that Bella is going to have a tough adjustment, and there isn't anything he can really do to help her.

The chapter title belongs to Alice in Chains

Chapter 90 Down in a Hole

Edward POV

I leave Bella alone downstairs for a while. After her phone conversation with Charlie, she sat in the bay window in the sitting room, probably watching the snow and trying to work through how she feels about this new reality. It's big, this change from mortal to vampire.

Really big.

I also feel truly awful about what happened with Tim. It looked like it was about to get loud and bloody. He was about to start screaming, and Bella was at the end of her tether. Better to kill one human than a bunch of people who might have been alerted by the noise and confusion.

And anyway, it's done. And it can't be undone.

The thing is, I could never convince Bella about these vampire truisms. She thought that it wasn't to be like that for her. She'd be able to forgo human blood. She'd be strong enough. And there wasn't anything that I could do or say to convince her.

I guess she knows now.

Jasper showed me where Tim is buried. Nobody will ever find his body, and I hope to have Bella away from here before the police do an investigation. I'd told her not to tell Charlie over the phone. I'd decided that I'd tell him and Maya when I dropped off the food, but after hearing their fractured conversation, I don't think I will. People go missing all the time. I don't think that with physical therapy, doctor's appointments, and a wedding to plan that Charlie will be overly interested in a neighbor who's gone walkabout.

After a while, I hear Bella in the kitchen, packing up the food. Every can that drops into a bag or cereal box that drops into a carton fills me with despair. My lovely, human Bella is no more. Already, her warm, cinnamon scent is waning. She'll wash the sheets and wear her clothing out in the wind and weather. Time and humidity will do the rest, and after she rids the bathroom of products that the Immortal body does not need such as deodorant, toothpaste and razors, there will be no relic of her humanity in this house. No vestige of human Bella will remain.

While she's busy downstairs, I spend a few minutes in the bathroom, holding her hairbrush to my face. I memorized her scent the first time it wafted up my nose, but remembering something isn't the same as experiencing it. So I run my fingers through the last few strands of human Bella's hair as I hold them to my face. I inhale deeply, letting the scent take me back. I close my eyes and remember.

That first day in the cafeteria, when I was perplexed because I couldn't hear her.

When she walked into the Biology classroom and I had to restrain myself from killing her and the entire class.

Saving her from Tyler's van. Alice revealing to me that I had fallen in love with her. The blind rage I felt for the would-be rapists when I'd rescued her in Port Angeles. The mixture of horror and relief I experienced when I'd confirmed the truth to her about my family. The desolation I'd felt when the Indians had banished the family, forcing me to break it off with Bella. The shocked look on her face when I'd told her she was too much work. That I didn't want her anymore.

I feel an uncharacteristic stab in my chest, as if my frozen heart has convulsed. If I wasn't already dead, that memory would kill me. I continue to hold the hairbrush to my nose, then place it down. Because I've come to a realization.

Human Bella and Immortal Bella are the same. I guess I'm just mourning the end of her human life. And is that wrong? I don't think so. I pull some of the hair from the brush and put it in my pocket.

I've been lost in thought and turn to face her when she appears in the bathroom doorway. "What are you doing up here?" she asks. Her face is still creased, not relaxed or happy. Not yet.

"Just giving you some time to sort out how you feel about your new life, what happened earlier, and your talk with Charlie." In truth, I've been taking some time to sort out how I snapping Tim's neck. About Immortal Bella, and her grief over feeding on a human, just hours after waking. About the difficulty she seems to be feeling in adjusting to her new reality.

Bella's eyes go from her hairbrush lying on the counter, then to me, and she puts it together. She picks the brush up and holds it to her own face. After breathing deeply, she gives me a shaky smile. "So that's what I smelled like." When she looks at me, her expression is so tender, so full of love, that I feel immediately ashamed.

I just nod and look away. "Yeah," I say slowly. "That's what you smelled like."

She turns me to look at her. "Tell me what's going on with you," she says gently.

I shake my head and she holds my face in her hands. "Tell me."

How can I explain it? Bella is now an Immortal like me, but she'll never have the experience of falling love with a human, of holding that human life in her hands, so carefully, so carefully. Knowing she has the power to take that life, that she might slip one day and kill the person that has become the very nexus of her existence.

She'll never fall the way that I did. She'll never do battle with the fiend in the same way that I did.

She'll never lose.

And thank god for that.

I want to shed the guilt and embrace my new life with her. She's already told me that she doesn't blame me, so how can I let this go? And when can I stop blaming myself?

But I am a man, and responsible for my woman. And I failed.

"I guess I have some adjusting to do as well," I say, as I make a decision. "We don't need to be looking back, Bella. Only forward. From now on, only forward. Because the arrow of time goes only one way, and it's the same for every creature on Earth, human or immortal."

She tugs me into the bedroom, where we lie on the bed and watch the swirling snowflakes through the window. "Now tell me how you're feeling," I say. I mean, it's enough about me. I'm not the one who just emerged from the fiery pit.

"I've decided I'm not going to be a pain about what happened earlier," she says finally. "It was awful, but just part of the growth process. I'm going to try to let it go and use it as a learning experience." Her voice is still sad. I'm not sure it will be so easy, but I applaud her attempt.

I roll to my side, and she does as well. I take her face in my hands and kiss her gently. "I think that's a very good idea," I say, breathing into her mouth. This woman. Her tongue traces my lips and then mingles with my own. I love this Bella, but she's different. Grown into a confident, mature, less apologetic woman in three short days.

To be honest, her uncertainty was one of her most endearing human characteristics. It is fading and will soon be gone, like her warm flesh, sticky blood, and brown eyes. Now her eyes shine eerily, not just due to feasting on Tim. They're a constant crimson reminder of my failure.

"I almost lost control and killed Tim. Even though I didn't put my hands on him, I'm responsible for his death, and fed on his dead body, and boy, is that is weighing on me. I know that I'll probably slip again at some point, and I don't know how to cope with that thought." I was upstairs sniffing her hairbrush while she was downstairs alone, trying to cope with the events of earlier. When did I become so selfish?

Whatever is wrong with me? I mentally give myself a good kick in the ass, which as I read on a tee shirt years ago, is a step forward. And then I am there for Bella, to help her work through this.

"Well, I've been an Immortal since 1918, and I last slipped just three days ago, when I nearly killed you." I lean my forehead against hers. "That's why we're going to stay above the reservation. It only gets easier from here." I think for a moment. "Usually."

"But what about Jasper? He's been Immortal for over one hundred and thirty years. And he's still out of control."

I smile. "Yeah, but that's just Jasper. The rest of the family aren't like that, and they're all younger, except for Carlisle. You'll be fine." My body yearns toward hers, and she slowly sits up and takes her clothes off. I do the same. When we're both skyclad, she takes my hand and we go downstairs.

The fire is the only light in the sitting room. Bella lays on the rug and pulls me on top of her. And we don't have wild sex in a hundred different positions. We don't cuss or discuss it at all. She doesn't ask me to fuck her.

But I do.

Only, gently. I thread my fingers through hers beside her head and kiss her, wishing that I could reset this day so she wouldn't have to think about her neighbor, moldering in an unmarked grave, high on the mountain.

It doesn't take Bella long to come, but she doesn't gyrate around as if bugs are biting her. She moans softly as she wraps her legs around me. My climax is similarly subdued. It seems that both of us are still sad. With good reason.

After about an hour, Bella gets up to take a shower and I load the food into my Volvo. Might as well get this over and done with. I know I can't hope to get out of Maya's house without a huge, drawn out conversation. Bella emerges from the bathroom when I'm preparing to leave.

"Give Charlie a kiss for me," she says. When I give her a look, she laughs softly. "Um, tell him that I love him."

"Will do." It takes about four minutes to get to Maya's house. All the lights are still on, and I quickly unload the boxes and bags at the door before ringing the bell. She answers right away and together we carry it all in to her little kitchen. I'm left with Charlie while she puts it all away.

He sits in a chair in the dim living room, hands on thighs, looking like the Sheriff that he is. I harbor a brief fear that I'm about to be interrogated. It feels strange to sit with him. I'd worried that he'd be weepy after his talk with his daughter, but he seems more in control than I've seen in a while.

I wait for him to speak. Finally, he says, "Promise me that you'll take care of my girl, there, Edward."

I scratch my head. "She doesn't need anyone to take care of her anymore, Charlie, but I will stand by her for all eternity. She'll never be alone. I promise."

"Tell Bells for me that I only want her to be happy. If that means that she'll be with you, with your family, then that's okay. We all make the choices that work for us, not for our parents. I think I've been selfish in not seeing that Bella is capable of choosing for herself. Even if her choices don't work out, that's her deal, and not mine."

I sit back and stare at the man in the chair. It looks like Charlie Swan. Maya comes in and stands behind him. Her thoughts are as clear as glass. I think he's finally come to terms with it, Edward. We talked after Bella called. He was pretty hysterical for a while but then he calmed right down.

It worries me, this sudden calm, but I can't get much of anything in the way of thoughts from him, which makes me think that he's not that upset. Otherwise, I can hear him a lot better. I stand up and shake his hand, give Maya a kiss on the cheek, and drive home.

Bella grills me about what Charlie said, what he did, where he sat, questions he asked. I tell her everything exceptmy misgivings about his sudden calm. It's probably nothing.

The snow continues to fall, although it's above freezing and doesn't stick to anything but the grass. We listen to music and watch a couple of movies. Bella seems to be working through what happened. She's still quiet, and I don't intrude. I remember with crystal clarity what it was like when I opened my eyes in Carlisle's flat.

Adjustment is just too tame a word for what the transition is actually like.

Bella and I had planned on going into the mountains tomorrow, but will probably wait if it's still snowing. When my phone rings at 5:00 am, I flip it open, thinking it would be a family member, but it's Maya.

Bella is sitting beside me in the living room. Before Maya says a word, I can hear that she's in the hospital. When she speaks, her voice is brittle. "Charlie overdosed earlier. I found him passed out in the bathroom. He took all his pain pills."

Beside me, Bella's hand flies to her mouth.

"What's his prognosis?" I ask.

"I just called your father. You better get over here."

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they thought
I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won't let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied