AN: Happy Saturday. There is no smut in this chapter, and for that I am sorry. Or not. Because I really enjoyed writing this chapter, despite the content. I hope you enjoy reading it. If you do, please let me know.
As always - a huge shout out goes to my wonderful betas: Adenei, Cheesyficwriter, be11atrixthestrange and sm_jl. They the best.
Have a lush week, and stay safe xxx
Tired out, not a miracle on days (oh, yeah)
Deciders for the lonely whispering tears
You try out for nothing then you drop dead
Not a miracle in years
Oh, leisure for the lonely
Whispering unnecessary unless you're in
Girlfriend, Phoenix (2009)
Hermione
What felt like a million days passed since my disastrous date with Ron—every one of them more confusing than the last. The erratic coming and going of the time made me feel as if I was at the hands of a rogue time-turner that was desperate to keep me in a dark, gloomy depression.
The worst were the days that dragged by, when it felt like the night would never come. My days were endless and drab as if I was trying to watch a technicolour movie on a black and white television. When the nights finally came, I spent most of my hours lying awake, regretting everything I'd ever done, but precisely the moment when I broke Ron Weasley's heart. In contrast, the rest of the days passed so quickly; I could barely catch my breath. These only served to push me further away from him.
In an attempt to distract me from the pain of losing Ron, I spent the following couple of months committing myself fully to work, getting reabsorbed into it. I picked up as many extra shifts as possible and spent many of my free hours helping Dean progress his project to integrate muggle medicine with our magical healing methods.
St. Mungo's was a brilliant distraction; there was always something new and exciting to look at, and the place constantly kept me on my toes.
Whilst treating patients, I could keep the teasing thoughts at bay. You know the ones—they taunted me about being an idiot, and that I'd made a mistake letting Ron walk away from me, and that I'd probably be single for the rest of my life. I deserved it, but it didn't mean I enjoyed it. So it was only during the downtimes that the negative moments became too much.
Two months after our failure of a date, I found myself back in one of those dark spots, despite having a hectic shift, full of wizards, witches and beings who had done stupid stuff with their wands and gotten themselves in trouble. Doctor Shacklebolt had forced me to take a break, and after hitting my daily allowance of caffeine reasonably early on in my shift, I decided to make myself a cup of peppermint tea.
Stirring the bag in hot water and allowing the refreshing smell of the tea to calm me down, my thoughts drifted back to that glorious last morning I'd spent in bed with Ron. It wasn't the sex I missed—although I think my outward gloomy demeanour showed I was suffering the effect of not getting a mind-blowing shag regularly—it was his humour and how much sunnier he made my life.
But I couldn't go back. Ron had made it very clear that it was over between us, that he couldn't carry on with what we'd been doing because it was hurting him so much. And I didn't want to destroy him completely. He deserved a chance to move on, to find someone new and exciting, someone that could love him with their entire being.
Not broken old me.
"Hey!" Padma's voice interrupted my daydream. "Earth to Hermione. Are you there?"
Shaking the thoughts of my gorgeous, freckly, ginger ex-boyfriend (lover?) out of my head, I gave my flatmate a small sigh. "Hey, Pad."
"Do you mind if I say something?"
"Sure, I guess." I lifted my head from my cup of tea.
"Okay." She leaned against the counter next to me. "So, don't take this the wrong way because you know that I'm going to be your friend no matter what you're going through, right?" She waited for me to nod before continuing, "Good. Because lately, you have been too depressing to be around, and I think you need to sort yourself out."
Padma was right. Two months of moping over Ron was surely enough. I needed to get on with things and perk up before I lost the rest of my friends and became one of those witches you read about in the Daily Prophet—the ones that have died alone with their Kneazles.
Rubbing my forehead, I turned to lean against the counter, watching my friend.
"I guess you're right. I'm sorry if I've been difficult to live with. It's just been hard, y'know?"
"Oh, I completely get it. But you can't live the rest of your life miserable like this. You deserve better. And before you start to argue with me," How does this girl know me so well? "I know it was your doing, and you chased him away. But even if things with you and Ron are entirely over, you still need to do something to get him out of your mind.
"There are hundreds of other brilliant men out there. Maybe, you can find someone as fucked up as you. We're out tonight. Why don't we go to this stupid meal Ginny has called us all together for, and then after, we can get smashed and go on the pull. Forget wizards; we can hit up muggle London and see what's on offer there."
A sudden rush of guilt washed over me. I'd been so self-absorbed in myself that I'd completely forgotten. Last week, whilst we were all at work, Ginny had sent a group chat demanding we booked the night off so that she can take us out for dinner. She had important news, apparently, and she wanted to tell us all at the same time.
Dinner would be flatmates only, so I didn't have to worry about running into any random Weasleys, or specifically, Ron. And no Harry either. I'd been excited when she'd messaged, it had been ages since we'd had a decent night out as a group, but it had slipped my mind once I'd got stuck into the pattern of busy work shifts.
"Shit, is that tonight?"
Padma grimaced. "She said if we cancel, she'll kick us out of the flat."
"Can she even do that?"
"Do you want to risk finding out?"
I shook my head. Ginny was notorious for her Bat-Bogey hexes at camp, and she was happy to throw one at anyone who crossed her. It was a mood that had followed her into adult life. Sure, Quidditch helped her get all that anger out, but I wouldn't put it past her to have saved just a tiny amount of malicious energy for us.
"Alright, I'll be there. And I think it's a good idea for us to go out after. Let's hit a club. I have tomorrow off, so we can go completely nuts."
"Yes!" Padma whooped. "Okay. I'm going to go and find Seamus and let him know. We're gonna get druunnnkkkk!"
Just then, my wand started to glow, indicating that I had a patient that needed my attention. My chat with Padma had cheered me up a little, and a small part of me was looking forward to our night out. Spending time with my housemates was always fun, and it was about time I got myself out of my funk and started to live my life again.
Drinking my now luke-warm tea in one gulp, I threw the cup into the recycling bin, gave Padma a massive, genuine smile then hurried off to see my patient.
⁂
Since I had forgotten that we were going out, I had to hurry home for a quick shower and change before meeting the others. Spring was once again around the corner, which was nice as I was sure the British winter contributed to my foul mood. It took me a while to find something decent enough to wear to a nice meal, but that would be okay for the clubs later. Eventually, I found a dress that matched both occasions. Leaving my hair down, I grabbed my jacket and apparated to the nearest spot to the restaurant.
By the time I arrived, the rest of the group were already there and in high spirits. Settling in my seat, I ordered the biggest glass of wine I could find on the menu, then joined in on the loud conversation taking place across the table, letting their good mood wash over me. Soon, I was laughing along with them, and Ron was pushed entirely out of my mind.
Ginny waited until we'd finished our main course before getting to her feet. She tapped the side of her wine glass with her spoon.
"Oy, you lot. Shut up, will you?"
It took a while for the three of us to calm down, but eventually, we all turned in our seats to stare up at her. Something was different about the redhead. Her face was flushed, and she looked the happiest she'd ever been.
"Okay. So I said I had some important news, and here it is." She let out a shaky breath, and I frowned. She looked nervous. Was she about to quit Quidditch? Maybe she was moving out.
"Harry and I are going to get married," she finally blurted out.
Shoving her hand in our faces, I realised there was a massive rock on her ring finger. I knew Harry had money, but sheesh, it was big enough to sink the Titanic. And where did this even come from? We didn't get to see a lot of her because of our crazy shifts and her busy training schedule, but you think she'd leave us a note on the fridge or something. She'd been spending an increasing amount of her spare time with Harry, but they hadn't even been together for a year yet.
I mean, how in the hell did people even know each other enough to make such a big commitment after such little time. They didn't even live together. What if they bought a house and then suddenly decided she couldn't stand the way he put wet towels in the washing basket, and there was no way he could tolerate all her hair all over the bathroom.
It was such a big decision to make; had they even considered every eventuality before taking the leap?
As Padma and Seamus got to their feet, an uneasy feeling bubbled in my stomach. Why did I even have all these questions in my head? As long as she was happy, and Ginny looked ecstatic tonight, what else mattered? And then I put my finger on it.
I was jealous.
I wanted what Ginny had. Not Harry. Although he was delightful, he was not my type. But I wanted a reliable man, someone who adored me and would do anything for me. I'd seen it in Harry's face every time we hung out; he couldn't keep his eyes off Ginny at all. He was like a puppy with a new play toy. It was as if the world revolved solely around Ginny, and he would throw himself in front of a Killing Curse for her.
The realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a man who looked at me that way, and I had done everything I could to chase him off and had royally fucked things up. Blinded by my past, I hadn't seen what was standing in front of me. Ron was constantly in my mind, and surely if I felt nothing for him, then my life wouldn't be so miserable. It wasn't just that I missed him—there was a big gaping hole in my life.
The next revelation crept over me, something that should have made me feel lovely and warm if I hadn't just thrown it all away.
I was in love with Ron Weasley.
"Hermione, is everything okay?" Ginny was crouching beside my chair and spoke in a soft voice.
"Oh my gods, yes. Congratulations!" I hopped up and threw my arms around her in a tight hug. I was grateful that she'd rescued me from my spiral. "I'm so so happy for you."
"So, you'll be my maid of honour then?" she whispered in my ear.
Her question brought tears to my eyes, and I pulled away with a nod. "Of course I will. I'd be honoured."
It wasn't until I sat back down and Padma ordered the most expensive champagne in the building that I realised that Ginny was marrying Harry, which meant that Ron would probably be his best man. The occasion would mean the pair of us would be thrust together in our duties and would have to talk regularly to sort everything out. I felt sick at the thought. How were we supposed to deliver everything on our list when we weren't even talking to each other?
The dining room started to close in on me, and all of a sudden, I was finding it very difficult to breathe. Everything around me began to spin, and my palms grew sweaty. If I didn't move soon, I'd be sick or faint.
I got to my feet, scooting my chair back with a loud scrape that caught the attention of all the rest of the diners.
"I just… uh… need fresh air," I explained before grabbing my phone and heading outside.
Everything was so overwhelming. I was thrilled for my best friend but devastated that I'd ruined my one opportunity to have something similar with Ron. The past few months had been an emotional rollercoaster, and every time I thought I was getting somewhere and was on the up, everything came crashing back down around me, and I was fed up.
It was time I did something drastic—I needed to call my mum.
⁂
I found a quiet spot outside the restaurant's vicinity and dialled my mum's number, hoping she was still awake. It was already late here, and she was an hour ahead of us in France.
Eventually, someone answered. "Hermione?"
"Hi, Mum," my voice broke as I talked. I'd been trying so hard to keep the emotion from my voice, but inevitably, it was just too difficult. The past year had been a whirlwind, and it was finally getting too much for me to handle.
"Hiya, love. It's late. What's wrong?"
"Nothing…"
The floodgates opened, and all it took was a few unsuspecting words from my mum. Everything that had happened between Ron and I spilt out in a mass of tears and sobs. I was surprised that she could even understand what I was saying. My words were slurred, merging in gasps and cries.
It took a while. I gave Mum every single detail of what had gone out between Ron and me. The phone was silent for a moment until my mum let out a huge breath.
"Oh, Hermione." Her voice was soft, just like the one she used to use when I was poorly or upset over my grades. "I've been worried that this was going to happen. You've been independent for so long, ever since your father walked out on us when you were small. You were heartbroken for a very long time, and I think we spent the first few weeks without him just crying. Then all of a sudden, it was like a flip had switched in your head. You refused to rely on anyone for anything, and I just assumed that you were coping well. You excelled at your studies. You were delighted when you found out you were a witch. You were doing fine.
"When he first left, I couldn't stand to see you in that much pain. Your reaction hurt me more than his leaving did. So I was relieved when you started getting on with your life. But I had a niggling feeling that you did it for me. You got good at being strong for me and looking after me, and I'm sorry for that. You were only eight. You didn't have to do that for me."
"I know, Mum, but I wanted to show you that it was okay. We didn't need him around. We coped fine by ourselves," I interrupted. The only person who should be feeling guilty for what happened should be my dad, who walked out of our lives without a backwards glance and made no attempt to get in touch with us.
"But what I'm trying to say, Hermione, is that you don't always have to be strong. You are allowed to get hurt. Things will be okay. I can take it; the world can take it. You can definitely take it. You deserve better things, a better man. Ronald sounds like the perfect guy for you, but to get happiness, you have to open yourself up to the thought of getting hurt again. From what you've told me, he's not going to be in a hurry to do that to you."
I sagged against the wall of the restaurant, feeling the rasp of the brick against my arms. It helped to ground me as my world threatened to start spinning again. My mum was right. I'd been so scared of having yet another man walk out on me that I forgot that not all men were like my dad. Some of them were decent and caring and lovely. Some men did stick around. Look at Ron's parents. They'd been married for so many years now and were still so much in love. If they could do it, then maybe so could I.
A shaky sigh escaped my lips, and I sniffed back the tears. "Thank you, mum. I think I just needed someone else to tell me. Ginny is getting married, and I should probably get back inside before they even notice I'm missing."
"Alright, my love. Why don't you come over and see me soon? It's been far too long."
"Yeah, that'll be nice. I have some holiday time due soon. I'll message you with some dates?"
"Okay. I love you, Hermione."
"I love you too, Mum."
Hanging up, I checked my reflection in the restaurant window, trying my best to ignore all the happy couples as they enjoyed their dinner. I looked a right mess, but there was not much I could do about it out on a muggle street. Wiping my eyes and nose, I took a deep breath and headed back into the restaurant.
⁂
The celebration was still in full swing, but Ginny noticed that something wasn't quite right with me as soon as I got back to the table. Barely giving me time to shove my phone into my dress pocket, she took my hand and dragged me into the bathroom.
Once the door was locked behind us, Ginny rounded on me. "Okay, Hermione. What is up with you? Are you annoyed about Harry and I getting married? I know you have some strong feelings about these things. You're very anti-love and romance, and you probably think we're acting rash or something. We've not even been together for a year, after all, and we haven't even moved in with each other yet."
Oh, Merlin, I was such a rubbish friend.
"No. That's not it at all. I am so excited for the pair of you. I just…" I drew my lower lip between my teeth as I mulled it over. I wanted to tell Ginny everything, she was the only person apart from my mum and Ron I could talk to that way, and I'd already cried down the phone to one, and the latter wasn't even speaking to me. But tonight was all about Ginny, and it felt cruel to take that attention away from her. Plus, there was the added complication that Ron was her brother.
"You miss Ron," she stated.
Tears filled my eyes again, and I looked away from Ginny before she saw just how much she'd hit the nail on the head.
"Hermione," she warned. "Don't you dare make me hex you. You know you can talk to me. He might be my brother, but you're my best friend."
Blinking, I dropped my gaze back to the redhead in front of me. The similarities in their looks and mannerisms caused further pangs of loss in my heart, but it wasn't Ginny's fault she was related to him. I was fed up with keeping everything inside; my chest weighed down by the implications of my stupid actions.
"I just can't stop thinking about him."
There it was, finally out in the open. Now I'd admitted it; there was no way I could ignore it. My shoulders shook as I fought to keep hold of my emotions, but I was in a full spiral, and each word was a further step back into the bleakness.
"I thought so 'Mione. Why didn't you say anything? Neither of you has talked to me about what happened on your date. All I know is that you've been miserable since."
"It's over," I mumbled. "I've tried my best to find someone else, but it's just… nobody else is as—"
"Tall?" Ginny interrupted with a smile.
"He is so tall. And he's so—"
"Happy," she did it again with a giggle, and I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from turning up.
"Annoyingly happy, all the time. But Ron has the best he—" The words caught in my throat as more tears fell from my eyes. I'd have to be submitted to St Mungo's for dehydration if I kept this up. I sighed. "He has the best heart, Ginny, and I love him so much."
"But you didn't tell him, did you?" She reached across to wipe my cheeks.
"I couldn't. Not without telling him what had gone on with my dad and why I was so guarded around him. I felt like I was finally ready to on our date, but he didn't give me a chance."
"Your dad was a dick. But not all men are like that, Hermione, and especially not Ron. You need to draw a line under this and let yourself be happy."
"That's what my mum said," I replied.
"And seriously. I should kick your backside for treating my brother so poorly, but I get it. He's a proud man, and he's not going to come running back to you again and again. If you do love him, then you need to ring him and tell him that."
"He's probably out, Ginny. It's a Friday night."
Shoving her hand into the pocket of my dress, she found my phone and thrust it into my hands. "There's only one way to find out. Call him."
"I can't. Ron told me it was over. He doesn't want me to call him."
"Shhhh!" Ginny pressed a finger against my lips. "I'm his sister. I know what he wants more than anyone else. Anyway, I'm the bride, so you have to do what I say."
"You're not the bride, Gin. You've barely just got engaged, and Harry has time to change his mind."
"He won't." Ginny gave me a confident smile.
I continued my weak arguments. "I haven't even spoken to him in months. What do I even say?"
"Just do it, Hermione. You know you won't regret it."
I held the phone close to my chest as if its closeness could help me to decide.
Then it hit me.
I needed to start putting myself out there instead of waiting for things to happen to me. It had to be me to fix this. I needed to show Ron that I loved him just as much as he loved me. Just like that day after the Quidditch World Cup, I had to stop being so passive in my life and just take a chance.
Letting out a long sigh, I pulled Ginny into a brief hug. "Okay, I'll do it. But if it goes tits up, I'm blaming it all on you."
"That's fine." She grinned as she pulled away. "I have an early morning training session, so I'm going to head home, but you know where to find me, okay?"
"Alright. I love you, Gin."
"I love you, too." She gave me one last hug before turning to leave the room. "I'll tell the others you'll be back soon. Good luck, Hermione. Maybe we can have a double wedding?" She winked.
Once Ginny had left, I dialled Ron's number. Tragically, he was still down as 'Sexy' in my phone book. I made a mental note to change it after I finished the call. Leaning against a sink, I pressed the dial button and waited until I heard his voice, trying to ignore the thump of my heart in my throat and the knot of nausea in my stomach.
I had to get this done.