"You're a murderer, Harry."
"I'm a what?" gasped Harry.
"A murderer, o' course. An' a thumpin' good 'un, I'd say. Except yer goin' to prison. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh go ter prison."
Note: I started writing this Halloween chapter thing back in November. And then writer's block happened, and school took over my life, and I was super unmotivated, and I had no clue how to finish this, but here goes.
It was a dark and spooky night. The wind was howling. It was mad because its mommy told it to go to bed without a yummy snack. Oh wait, that's not how this was supposed to go. Wind doesn't have feelings. Anyways, sorry, back to the story. Lord Voldemort was a very kindhearted gentleman. He never missed a chance to open a door for a stranger so that he could whip out his wand and swiftly cast the killing curse. He helped old ladies cross roads, and once their backs were turned, he never failed to cast a few torture curses their way. Lord Voldemort rescued stray kittens from abusive owners and threw the tiny creatures off balconies. He helped bring people's groceries to their cars and… well, you get the point. Lord Voldemort was a man who knew what he wanted, and never failed to achieve it. Only once was there ever an obstacle in his way. An obstacle by the name of Kevin.
Kevin was a lonely boy growing up in a small townhouse in Godric's Hollow. He was a half-blood wizard often ignored by his family and left home alone with no supervision. His family was rarely present in his life, and as a result, Kevin was not aware of the increasing danger in the wizarding world known as Lord Voldemort. His knowledge was greatly lacking. In fact, he had never been told anything about Stranger Danger. You can tell where this is going. Being neglected most of his life, Kevin had no one to talk to. Though his life was not ideal, Kevin never complained and never bore a grudge on anyone. He was used to it, after all.
"Why am I reading this useless backstory?" You might be wondering. Stop yawning. We'll get there soon. Really soon. In fact, here goes:
"What would be more effective," pondered Lord Voldemort, scratching his chin, "throwing baby Harry out of a window, or just casting the good ol' killing curse?"
His fellow Death Eaters shrugged helplessly.
"You guys are useless. You know what, I think I have a plan. Peter, switch into your animagus thingy." The rat sitting at the table gave a thumbs up and transformed into a better looking rat. Lord Voldemort grinned, clapping his hands together. "Alright. I have two sheets of paper. One sheet is black, and the other is darker black (my favourite colours, by the way)."
He handed Peter's rat form the two sheets, and waited. The black sheet was speedily grabbed by Peter's tiny paws, and he began to chew on it. Voldemort stood, looking pleased. "Great! He ate the black one, which means that I am going to cast the killing curse on baby Harry. Oh, I know this is going to be so much fun!"
On Halloween, Lord Voldemort appeared at Godric's Hollow as soon as the darkness blanketed the night. He began to walk in the direction of the Potter Cottage with determined steps.
In the meantime, Kevin was in his room, laying in his bed and staring at the ceiling when someone slipped a blank sheet of paper under his door. Kevin barely even blinked, picked up the sheet and placed it in a giant box filled with hundreds of others under his bed. "Have fun!" he yelled out half-heartedly. Ever since he was three years old, he had been taught that a blank sheet of paper slipped under the door meant his family was heading out again. "I suppose I should go trick-or-treating or something to kill time," he said aloud once his family was out the door. Kevin didn't have a costume, so he plopped his sister's witch hat over his head and called it a day.
Lord Voldemort was silently repeating his plans to himself as he was making the journey towards the Potter Cottage when suddenly a young boy blocked his path. (It later became his biggest regret in life that he had not taken the chance to dispose of this annoying creature.) "I love your costume! I nearly had a heart attack from seeing it. Who are you dressed up as?" the tiny kid looked at him with curious eyes. "Lord Voldemort," said Lord Voldemort. "Who's he?" the boy asked innocently. "Oh, just some really cool dude," replied Voldie, taking offence to the fact that the kid didn't even recognize him or his name.
"What cool things does Lord Voldemort do?"
"Uh, he makes the world a better place by getting rid of yucky people."
"Lame."
"LAME? YOU CALL THAT LAME?"
"Well, yeah…"
"I'll have you know that Lord Voldemort is not pleased with you."
"I don't even know him, why would I care?"
"Because-uh, he's very dangerous and murders people."
"That's not something a cool person would do."
"B-but he is cool! Voldemort has so many followers!"
"But does he have friends?"
This question stumped him. Did he have friends? Voldemort thought for a minute.
"Well, you see…Voldemort doesn't need friends."
"But everyone needs friends!" "Do you have friends?"
"Well, no."
"Why not?"
"I don't really need them."
"You literally just said that everyone needs them!"
"That's just because you look like you need them."
"That makes no sense. I'm wasting time here, I have places to be."
"What places?"
"Uh, why are you asking?"
"I'm just curious!"
"You're a little boy, you don't need to know."
"I'm not a little boy! I cook for myself, I go grocery shopping for myself, and I take care of myself! All by myself."
"How old are you?"
"Six."
"SIX?"
"That's what I said."
"And no one takes care of you?"
"Everyone's always busy."
"Who is?"
"Everyone."
"Who's everyone?"
"My family."
"Your whole family?"
"YES."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because they're always busy."
"You're a brat."
"No I'm not!"
"Lord Voldemort thinks you're a brat."
"He doesn't even know me!"
"Yes he does."
"How?"
"Ugh, I don't have time for this."
"You're the one who keeps asking questions."
"Anyways, do you want me to get rid of your family for you?"
"Get rid? How?"
"Well, let's just say I know a nice little spell…"
"What spell?"
"Oh, you know. Just a spell."
"WHAT SPELL?"
"Merlin, kid. Calm down."
"Why would you want to cast a spell on my family?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because they're rubbish."
"I never said they're rubbish."
"Oh, whatever. You should at least be grateful that I'm willing to do this for you."
"Why should I be grateful for that? I need my family."
"No you don't, you said you're fine on your own."
"That doesn't mean I want you to kill them."
"Well, if you change your mind…"
"I would never."
Lord Voldemort didn't know why he was offering to get rid of the boy's family for him, but he did know that there was something about this boy that reminded him of himself. "Little boy," he began.
"My name is Kevin," the boy interrupted.
"Oh, yes, I knew that."
"You did not."
"Would you like to go on an adventure with me?"
"YES!"
Kevin's sudden excitement nearly caused Lord Voldemort to jump out of his skin.
"On second thought…"
"PLEASE!"
"Oh, alright."
"Where are we going?"
"Just a place."
"Where?"
"Be quiet or I won't take you."
"Rude."
They reached the Potter Cottage. Kevin knocked on the door before Voldemort could do anything about it. "TRICK OR TREAT!" he shouted. A baby cried in the distance. Voldemort crept away and hid in a nearby bush. The door opened. A tall man with untamable raven black hair opened the door. "Oh, I suppose you'd like some candy," said the man in a deep voice. Kevin nodded in excitement. The man disappeared, and returned within moments with a chocolate frog in his hands, smiling warmly at the boy. "Thanks!" Kevin called out as the door closed. Kevin spotted Voldemort hovering nearby, grabbed his hand, and tugged it towards the next house. "Thank you for bringing me here, that guy was nice. I'm kind of disappointed you didn't speak with him, though. After all, it was your idea to bring us here." Voldemort shrugged, at a loss for words at the realization that he was being dragged somewhere by a six year old he could easily have overpowered. What was happening to him?
"So," began Kevin. "Tell me more about this scary Lord Voldemort guy."
Voldemort smirked. Finally the attention was back on him, right where it should be! "Voldemort is the greatest wizard of all time. He is super powerful, and he's also immortal. He can get anyone to do anything for him, and he's the coolest guy I've ever heard of."
Kevin frowned. "Doesn't he kill people? How can he be cool if he kills people?"
Voldemort scratched his bald head. "But killing is fun! Especially torture!"
Kevin backed away slowly. "You're weird. And insane."
"NO I'M NOT! I AM PERFECTLY SANE! HOW IS IT NOT SANE TO LOVE TORTURE AND MURDER?" Voldemort screamed at poor Kevin, spit spraying everywhere. Kevin turned around and ran as fast as he could manage in the opposite direction. "NO! WAIT! KEVIN! YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND! DON'T LEAVE ME!"
"Too late!" Kevin shouted back.
"GET BACK HERE! DON'T YOU WANT TO GO TRICK OR TREATING?"
At the promise of candy, Kevin made a rather stupid decision and ran back to Voldemort.
"Alright! But no murder! Or torture."
"Can I at least talk about it?"
"No."
"Fine," said Voldemort grudgingly. "So, uh… how's your day been?"
"Silence, child."
How was he ever going to get an opportunity to kill the Potters with this kid tagging along? He ought to have taken the chance earlier, thought Voldemort.
Kevin cleared his throat after the silence had become awkward. "I'm curious to know, why'd you take me to that specific cottage earlier?"
Lord Voldemort sighed. He might as well go with the truth. "I've been planning to kill their son."
"How come?" asked the boy.
"Well, there's this prophecy that apparently neither of us can live while the other survives or something," he answered reluctantly. Kevin appeared to be deep in thought.
"Can't you just move to another country or something and hide yourself?"
Voldemort shook his head. "He'll get to me eventually."
"Just befriend him and he won't ever bother you!"
"That could work...it would be quite boring, though."
"Just befriend him when he's older, and he won't bother you as long as you don't bother him."
"I've just...I've just never been good with having friends."
"I'm sure you can manage."
"Nobody likes me."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is! Everyone wants me dead."
"Who are you?"
"I am Lord Voldemort."
"Everything makes sense now," said Kevin after a long pause.
"See?"
"You can still earn people's respect and admiration."
"How?"
"I have just the plan. Meet me at the park nearby tomorrow at noon."
"Are you sure it'll work?"
"Trust me."
It was the day after Halloween and Voldemort sat at the park bench, drumming his fingers on the arm rest impatiently. Where was that infuriating little boy? Oh. There he was. Kevin rushed over to Voldemort, carrying stacks of paper. A moment later there were sheets of paper dumped all over him. "Sorry," Kevin panted, trying desperately to sort the sheets back in order. "Alright, so, here's what you're going to do. Read this first." Voldemort grabbed the sheet Kevin was holding, and read:
Plans (Not in any order)
* Make a huge donation to St. Mungo's hospital
* Visit orphans at orphanage
* Visit retirement residence
* Charity concert (Kevin can play drums!)
* Announce to the public that you're a changed man (See speech ideas on page 23!)
* Play with puppies at animal shelter (maybe adopt one and give to Kevin?)
* Donate to Dragon Pox Research Centre
* Public apology (See page 34 for ideas)
* Photoshoot (Need babies or kittens for this)
* Wardrobe upgrade (Throw away anything dark coloured and replace with happy colours)
* Force Death Eaters into therapy
* Rename Death Eater army to Life Givers? Life Bringers? Happiness Spreaders?
"So…." Kevin began, after a long silence. "How does that sound?"
"Perfect," replied Voldemort, already on to the next sheet. "You promise this will work? You promise it will make people like me?"
Kevin nodded enthusiastically. "I promise."
"Then let's do it! Except we'll rename the Death Eaters something much cooler. Not that Happiness Spreaders crap."