Chapter 54
Christian
"Right here!" Teddy points to an open space in the puzzle and Phoebe delicately places it down, smiling widely when it clicks into place.
"Right there, Mommy!" she announces.
"I see! Good job, sweetie!"
It's finally Friday night. I've spent every night since Sunday at Escala, which we agreed was for the best so the kids didn't catch us in bed together, and after the longest four days of my life, everything changes tonight.
We've just had dinner and Ana is loading the dishwasher while Teddy and Phoebe work on a fifty-piece puzzle. Me, I'm starting to panic. As soon as she finishes, I wrap my arms around her waist from behind and rest my chin on her shoulder. I need the contact with her to ground me. She turns her head and kisses my cheek.
"You okay?" she whispers.
"Are you nervous?" I murmur.
"For what?"
"Telling them." After our therapy session, I felt good about it, but now that it's here, I've been anxious about it all day. I'm so close to getting back everything that means the most to me, everything that I mindlessly threw away and have had to claw my way back to, and I'm terrified that something, somehow will ruin it.
"No. Are you?" I don't answer right away, and she turns in my arms so she can look at me. She reaches up and cups my cheek. "Hey. Talk to me."
"What if they don't want me?" I whisper. The fact is, I left my own children for a time, and I've wondered how or if that's going to affect them down the road.
"Christian, that's ridiculous. They act like you just came back from seven years at sea every time they see you. They adore you."
My heart is starting to pound. "Sometimes I just can't fathom that I ever really left. What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn't there for them. What if they look back and remember that I wasn't there? I missed so many of Phoebe's milestones. What kind of father—"
"Christian." She gently guides my head back down to her shoulder and I take a deep breath. I focus on her smell, her warmth, the feel of her hair tickling the side of my cheek. Oh, Ana… "Breathe, darling. Listen to me. You weren't thinking. You were in crisis mode. You needed help. You're human, and you're a human who's been abused for years and years of your life. Your trauma is not you. They might have memories and questions. If they do, you'll do the best that any of us can do, and just try to be honest and answer them. All we can do is be there for them and do our best to show them every day how loved they are."
I take a few more breaths, allowing her words to sink in and her comforting embrace to calm my nervous system. "How can you forgive me?" I finally whisper.
"Do you want the list?" I pull back, blinking in shock, but her expression clearly shows that it's a serious question. I slowly nod. "You've taken responsibility for your actions, even when I gave you no indication that it would lead to a reconciliation. You put it all out on the line and told me the truth. You've had the courage to try to understand all of the demons that still haunt you so you can move forward with your life. You gave me the space to try and figure out my own life and work on myself, and I know that can't have been easy for a recovering control freak." She smiles at this, and I find myself smiling too. "You've risen to the challenge of fixing us… even when I didn't. Now, I feel like we're partners, maybe for the first time. I've never felt closer to you, never felt more seen and heard by you, and truly never been so in love with you and what we could be. We're still learning, but I believe in you, and I believe that we can be happy if we just keep doing what we've been doing. And perhaps most importantly, I know that you love them. And love is the basis for everything else we can give them. It's not that the past doesn't matter or that I'm just going to forget about it, it's that I can look back and understand it and see how far you've come. That's how I can forgive you. I am so proud of you, and I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't ready."
It used to be a rare occurrence, but once again I'm left speechless. I lean down and kiss her like my life depends on it. Honestly, it might. I don't know if I could really call it a life without her. "You're stronger than I'll ever be," I mutter against her lips.
She laughs. "I'm really not. I just love my husband and I don't like when people talk shit about him. Including him."
"Mommy! Daddy! We're done! Look!" Teddy squeals. He runs over and takes both of us by the hand, dragging us over to see. On the table is a completed puzzle, displaying a picture of a dragon.
"Wow! That was so fast!" Ana praises.
"We're done!" Phoebe slides off her chair and starts jumping up and down in celebration.
"Can we do something else now?" Teddy asks.
"Well…" Ana starts, looking at me. She's leaving it up to me, checking if I'm ready.
"We have something we need to talk to you two about," I finish. I'm ready. For anything with her.
Teddy's eyes light up, but it's different from how he looks when he's excited. It's like he's more… hopeful. "Okay!" He runs ahead into the other room and Phoebe quickly toddles behind him.
I hold out my hand and Ana takes it with a little squeeze. "I love you so much." Just in case you forgot.
She grins and tugs my arm, following in their wake. "I love you. Don't be afraid."
Teddy and Phoebe are already lounging on the couch when we catch up. We sit together in the corner of the sectional, and they situate themselves on either side of us.
"Okay, my little loves. We have something to tell you. You know how Mommy and Daddy needed to live apart for a while? That's why you've been going to two houses sometimes?"
"Mm-hmm," Teddy says, wrinkling his forehead, and Phoebe nods, staring up at Ana with clear eyes.
She looks at me, inviting me to step in. "Mommy and I have been doing a lot of work on our problems, and we love each other very much. Have you noticed that we've all been spending more time together?"
"Yes," they say in unison. Teddy's forehead has smoothed out, and his eyes are darting back and forth between us.
"We've realized that we're happiest when we're together. Daddy and I really do love each other, and we love you so much. And so we talked about it, and we wanted to let you know that we've decided that Daddy is going to live here with us again. What do you think about that?"
I hold my breath as Teddy's eyes widen and Phoebe looks up at him. After what feels like five whole minutes, he breaks into a smile. "Really?!"
Phoebe giggles loudly, responding to her brother's excitement, and Ana nods. "Really."
He turns his smile onto me and I barely have time to blink before he's jumping on me. "Really, Daddy? Really? You're gonna live with us all the time?"
His arms are around my neck in a vice grip and I rub his back, feeling my eyes start to prickle. "Really, Teddy bear," I choke out.
He turns and looks at Phoebe. "Fifi, did you hear that? Daddy is gonna live here with Mommy and we're gonna be together all the time!"
She laughs again. "Yayyyyy!" She crawls into Ana's lap and gives her a hug.
"Are you going to sleep in the bed with Mommy again?" Teddy asks, turning back to me.
"Yes, in the other bedroom. Do you remember it?"
He nods excitedly, then turns back to Phoebe. "Fifi, Mommy and Daddy are gonna be in the same bed and we can see them every morning!"
"Eat breakfast too?" she asks Ana.
She laughs. "Yes, princess, we can all eat breakfast together, too."
"And go outside?"
She nods. "We can all go outside together sometimes, too."
"Are you gonna get married again?" Teddy gasps.
"Well, we are still married, so we don't need to get married again. But do you want to see some pictures?" Ana asks. Thank you, Dr. Hughes!
He nods, and I slide the prepared photo album out from underneath one of the cushions. We thought we might need this. He settles himself on my lap, and I open it up to the first page.
"Mommy, you look so pretty!" he gasps. "Where are you, Daddy?"
"The whole day before you get married, you're not supposed to see each other." Which I did not enjoy. "So, I didn't see Mommy until we were about to married."
"Where was I?"
"You weren't born yet, silly," Ana giggles.
"When did you get married?"
"About six years ago," I answer.
"Oh. I'm only five." You arrived on the scene pretty quickly, buddy. And I'm so glad you did. "How do you get married?"
"I asked Mommy if she would marry me and gave her a ring."
"And Mommy said yes?" Eventually.
"Yes. See?" She holds out her left hand and wiggles her fingers.
"Oh. I'm glad you said yes, Mommy." We both chuckle at that. Yes, me too. He flips to the next page himself. "Is that Grandma's house?"
"Yes, we got married right there in the backyard. You know Daddy used to live there when he was little?"
"Grandpa! Pretty Mommy!" Phoebe says, pointing to a picture of Ana walking down the aisle.
"Look, Fifi, there's Daddy!" He flips the page. "Oh, you're kissing! Now you're married!"
Phoebe reaches over and flips the next page. "Aunt Mia!"
We've reached the bridal party pictures now. "And there's Aunt Kate and Uncle Elliot!" Teddy points. "Wow, you guys kiss a lot. Who takes the pictures?"
"We hired a photographer. They made a video, too," I tell him.
"There's a video?! Can I see it?" he asks.
"Do you want to watch it now?" I laugh.
"Yes! Put on the Mommy and Daddy movie!"
"Mommy and Daddy movie!" Phoebe repeats. Well, it's unanimous then.
Teddy watches, his face glued to the screen, as Ana and I get ready, she walks down the aisle, we say our vows, and then seal the deal with a kiss. We sneakily re-enact that scene while they're distracted by the television.
"You're not married until you kiss?" Teddy asks. "Can you not kiss until you're married?"
"You can kiss before that, but the one at the wedding is an extra special one," Ana explains. "It's the sign for yourselves and for everyone there that you really love each other, and you're officially married now."
As I watch, I realize that I feel more than a little frustrated with the twenty-eight-year-old version of me. I was in such a rush to get married because I didn't want her to leave. Proposing was an impulsive decision. I hardly appreciated the moment. Hell, I didn't even give her a real proposal until after she had already said yes. Didn't she deserve better than that? Everything moved so fast. Ana, my hopeless romantic, hardly got an engagement since most of it was spent trying to plan a whirlwind wedding. And then there was the argument over the vows… I suppress a shudder. What kind of tyrannical bastard actually expects their wife to obey? If I thought I didn't deserve her at the time, I can definitely make that conclusion in hindsight.
She watches with a fairly neutral expression, occasionally smiling. If she's being faced with a similar inner turmoil, there's no indication. We've been lucky to be able to relive our courtship, the one we never really had. I wonder if there are other things we could relive…
I'm going to have to talk to Mia.
When we get to the part of the video where Ana and I have our first dance, Teddy gets up and pulls Phoebe over to the middle of the floor, mimicking us. Their version involves more giggling and spinning around than actual dancing, and Ana and I are almost in tears laughing.
I quickly stand up and hold out my hand dramatically. "May I have this dance?"
"Oh, I would be honored," she giggles.
She yelps in surprise as I pick her up bridal-style and spin her around several times. "Whoa." I topple backwards a bit and Teddy and Phoebe erupt in screeching laughter, Ana and I quickly joining in.
"Put me down before you knock me out!" Ana squeals.
I let her legs go so she's standing up, but keep her pressed against me. We adopt a more traditional dance now, stealing glances at our adorable, happy children and making very sappy eye contact the rest of the time. Their enthusiasm is so contagious, it's like we're all incandescent with excitement as we show them a little piece of our history and stand on the precipice of a new beginning.
This is a little slice of heaven.
They do want me. They keep choosing me, even when I hurt them. I never thought it would be like this again after what I did, and I'm determined not to waste this chance.
When the video ends, Ana announces that it's time for bed. Teddy insists on taking his bath himself because he's five now, and we agree once he pinky promises that he won't stand up in the water and he'll call us when he's done. Phoebe is all smiles as both of her parents dote on her, and I wish I could freeze this moment and step back into it whenever I want. They're already growing up so fast, and I missed far more of it than I wanted to.
I think back to when Teddy built the question fort… asking if we were getting a new baby.
Can we?
There's no doubt that I want that. I want us to bring more love into the world. I have no doubt that our sweet babies would be the perfect older siblings. Teddy already thrives in his role as big brother. And Ana, motherhood came so naturally to her. We used to talk about having more kids, before Phoebe was even born. I want the opportunity to see her take it on again. I want us to take it on again.
I want more. But one step at a time.
"Goodnight, Teddy bear," Ana says, pulling his covers over him. Phoebe fell asleep halfway through the story, so she's already tucked away. "Are you happy?"
He sighs into his pillow and smiles. "Yeah. I love you, Mommy."
"I love you. Sleep tight." She kisses his forehead and steps out into the hallway.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah, Teddy bear?"
"I'm really happy you're staying. Did you miss us when we had two houses?"
I feel a lump forming in my throat. "Yes. I missed you and Mommy and your sister all the time. I really didn't like being away from you, and I never want to be again."
"You can stay, Daddy. We really missed you. Mommy smiles a lot more when you're here to give her kisses. I tried to give her more when you weren't here, but there must be something different about Daddy kisses."
"I don't know. Teddy kisses are very special." I lean down and kiss his curls. "Goodnight, sweet boy. I love you and I'll see you in the morning. I'm not going anywhere."
"Love you, Daddy," he mumbles, already halfway gone.
As I close his door, my earlier thoughts return. Ana. Romance. Tonight is a very special night, the start of the rest of our lives, as far as I'm concerned. And just because we're living together again doesn't mean that the dates and the exploratory part of our relationship has to end. Think, Grey. What would make this even more memorable for her?
I'm struck with an idea. I can't pull it off alone, and it's definitely cutting it close, so I'm going to have to call in the big guns.
I slip my phone out of my back pocket and tap the contact. "Mia? I have an idea and I need your help."
I told Ana that I had a little bit of work I had to finish, so she decided to spend her evening moving her things back into our bedroom. She seems a little subdued, and I think she might be disappointed that I'm "working" instead of spending tonight with her, though she would never say anything.
"Pssst!" Mia hisses. "It's done. This is so cute. I'm gonna die."
"You are my favorite sister."
"Am I your favorite sibling?"
"Let's see…" I scratch my chin. "There's you and there's Elliot. I think you can answer that yourself."
She laughs. "I don't know if it counts. The competition isn't that steep." She pulls me into a hug. "Let me know what she thinks. I mean, I know she'll love it, but still. And we still have to talk about the other plan."
I kiss the top of her head. "I know. I'll call you. You're the best. Again. Thank you." She shoots me a couple of finger guns and tiptoes through the grass back towards her car.
I look up at the glowing lamplight emanating from the windows of our bedroom. I've seen shadows move a few times, so I know she's still in there. Here goes nothing. I pick up a pebble and toss it up to the second floor, nailing the balcony door with a satisfying crack.
I wait about ten seconds, and when she doesn't come out, I throw another one, this one bouncing off with an even better clatter. I see the door crack open and Ana peeks out. Her eyes widen in the dim light, and she breaks into a smile when she sees me. "What are you doing?" she giggles.
"Just saying hi."
She steps outside and leans against the railing. "What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night, so stumblest on my counsel?"
"By a name, I know not how to tell thee who I am… so just come down here, baby."
She laughs. "I don't know. I don't want my husband to find out. We just made up, and he's off inside somewhere doing work."
"What an idiot, locked away in his office when he has you to come home to. You only with him for the kids?"
"Hey, a guy has to earn a living. And alas, I love him… but you are tempting. I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him."
"Sounds to me like he has it coming!" I call as she goes back inside. I hear her answering laugh, and then run to position myself at the door I think she'll use to exit. I guess correctly, snaking my arms around her as she closes it behind her.
"Jesus! If we're trying to subtle, you shouldn't scare the shit out of me!"
I press her back against the glass, running kisses down her cheek. "Nah. I hope that inattentive husband of yours knows what we're up to."
"Is there a purpose to this?"
"Yes. Your chariot awaits. Hop on." I turn around and squat down a bit so she can hop on my back.
"Where are we going, noble steed?" she asks from her piggyback position.
"Patience is a virtue, fair maiden." She gasps when we get over the crest of the hill and the rest of the meadow is in view.
While I dug the screen and projector out of the garage, Mia laid out a blanket, surrounded with flowers and candles, and fetched champagne, popcorn, and chocolate-covered strawberries. "It's been a while since we had a movie date," I murmur as she slides off my back.
"You know we have a TV? And a home theater, as you reminded me?"
"Where's the fun in that?"
Almost before the sentence is out of my mouth, she's tackling me. I catch her and she wraps her legs around my waist, tilting my head up and beaming down at me. "Who are you and what have you done with my husband?"
"That rat bastard? I kicked him to the curb. You deserve better."
"I'm starting to think I have the best." She weaves her hands through my hair and kisses me. It's soft, but the electricity crackles between us as soon as our lips touch. Her lips gently massage mine, and I open my mouth so our tongues can reacquaint themselves.
I slowly walk us over to the blanket. Thank God it's a straight shot, because the only thing in the world to me right now is her mouth. When she pulls away, she trails kisses down the side of my neck, across my shoulder, and back up until she reaches my lips again. "You know that I don't need any of this, don't you?"
"You know that I have every right to spoil you, don't you?" She smiles and shakes her head indulgently. "This is your life now, Ana. Now that I have you back, I'm not wasting a second of it." I set her down on the blanket.
"What's playing?"
"The Notebook."
"Wow. You're not messing around. Do you even like that movie?"
I shrug. "It doesn't matter. I'll be either watching you or making out with you, if I'm lucky."
She picks up one of the strawberries and holds it up to me. I bite it and she leans forward and kisses me again, licking a speck of chocolate off the corner of my mouth. "I'm the lucky one."
The movie begins. We take turn feeding each other the strawberries and pass the popcorn back and forth, and then pop the champagne. As seems to be tradition with us these days, we skip the glasses and just share the bottle. After the bubbly is gone, we lay back on the blanket with spinning heads, paying more attention to the stars and each other than the screen. And of course, that turns into a rolling-in-the-grass makeout session. I feel so alive with her, like I'm getting back the adolescence I never had.
When the credits start to roll, it feels like barely any time has passed. Spending time with her is so effortless, it feels like minutes. How did I ever live without this?
"Gail changed the bedding in our room. You're staying, aren't you?"
"Where else would I be?"
She grins. "Just checking. Most of your stuff isn't here yet."
"The main thing I need is." I kiss her nose.
She sighs contentedly and strokes my cheek. "Christian?"
"Yes, baby?"
"I want to sleep with you tonight."
"I know, baby. You think I'd sleep somewhere else?"
She laughs once and shakes her head. "No. I mean… I want you to make love to me tonight."
A meteorite could fall from the sky and take out the entire city of Seattle and I'm not sure I'd even notice. For the second time tonight, I have no idea what to say. "Ana… I… we…"
"I wanted to wait so I could see if there's more to us than sex. It's always been about sex. And now, there's no doubt in my mind that our connection is so much deeper than that. I want you. All of you. I'm ready. If you're not, that's okay. But I wanted you to know that I am."
Is this really happening? I feel triumphant, eager… nervous. Like a goddamn teenager. "Ana, I… I was planning to make it an event when we get back to that. The next time should be special. Are you sure?"
"I don't need an event. And anyway, what was that that we just did? No matter what, it will be special because it's with you."
Her eyes are perfectly sincere, her gaze unwavering. I reach up and brush my thumb against her bottom lip. "You're really ready?"
She wraps one hand around my wrist. "I'm really ready. More than ready. I think about you all the time."
I know the feeling, baby… "Then let's make this night even more memorable."
A/N: Thanks for your responses to last chapter. Sometimes I have to go back and look at what I wrote before to make sure I'm being consistent and this story has been really sad at times, so I think we all deserved Elliot in a stupid outfit. What did you think of how they told the kids and their reaction? :)
Ana and Christian quoted Romeo and Juliet when she was on the balcony, if you didn't catch that. What did you think of Christian's idea?
The next chapter will be... citrus-scented. I have some real-life responsibilities coming up this weekend, but I'll get to it as soon as I can.