After avoiding a fiasco that could have irreparably damaged my overblown reputation in the main hall of the Adventurers Guild, the young woman that had so graciously saved me from a pointless conflict with a fool possessing more confidence than intelligence quickly escorted me into a nearby meeting room, leaving me and Jurgen alone as she no doubt prepared to confirm our identities, amongst other things. I was confident that at least one of them had to be some sort of reprimand for the overzealous idiot who had thought himself to be quite impressive at getting in my way before the Guild Girl shattered his fragile ego. Although, judging by the way that she flinched at the scent of my aide when he passed by her and the way she eagerly removed herself from his presence afterwards, she also could have left to find something that could combat my malodorous aide's most recognizable feature. If so, then I would be in her debt once should she find the solution to Jurgen's stench in a handful of minutes after I have failed to do the same for the better part of a century.
As for my impending diplomatic discussion, I wasn't eager to wait and see the official that she would bring in to discuss the nonexistent matter I had arrived for, but whatever the Guild Girl set out to do gave me plenty of time to survey the décor of the oddly rustic room my aide and I found ourselves in and allowed me some insight into our host's mind and how best to flatter my way into their good graces. The couch that we had both decided to commandeer was framed with dark wood that paired nicely with the comfortable deep green cushioning Jurgen and I both took full advantage of now there were no prying eyes to witness our moment of indulgent relaxation. Across from us were a pair of chairs with a similar design to the couch I was resting on, separated by a lacquered wood table whose surface was in imminent danger of being permanently scarred, as the rustling coming from my ever resourceful aide indicated his intent to sate his hunger with whatever rations he was still carrying on his person. Watching Jurgen dine was not unlike watching him drive, an action best performed through the lens of a pict-recorder from a city away or from the passenger seat of the vehicle he commandeered to avoid being run over by him, both of which were dangerous acts I had become uncomfortably accustomed to.
The furnishings on the wall were strange, in the same way that a tech priest merely had a passing curiosity for the blessings of their so-called Omnissiah. It seemed that this meeting room was meant to leave a lasting impression on all of those who set foot in it, the assortment of trophies coming from various species staring back at me, none of which I was familiar with, and a few radiantly gleaming weapons that were more than likely the reason for a few of the trophies present. The weapons, archaic swords and other outdated weaponry that relied on the same savage strength that the greenskins employed, were of little importance to me compared to the trophies that made my gut twist at their very sight. Not only were the severed heads adorning the wall all unfamiliar to me, presumably sourced from local creatures that one of the Guild Hall's patrons had slain in the past, all of which escaped my knowledge of beasts documented by the Imperium, and the few I did see that resembled anything I knew of brought back horrifying memories of the tyranids and daemons that I had slain in the past. Wherever I was, the people here seemed to be just as frakked as the Imperium was as a whole, probably more so considering their distinct lack of machine-spirits and reliance on tools that even an ork would be embarrassed to be seen with. Certainly not an impression that I found myself enjoying, but one that I hoped would be proven false once I managed to say a few words to the local aristocrats or an Adventurers Guild official of equal importance.
The owner of this building, and most likely the staff that had kept the room immaculate before Jurgen stepped foot in it and shed a few layers of accumulated dirt and other unmentionables, seemed to hold strength and noble appearances in high regards if the rooms' furnishings was any indication of their personality. Not that wasn't the worst kind of person I could have possibly dealt with, it would make my job of earning their unwavering support and care far harder to secure for myself once our negotiations started. While it paid well to make some sacrifices when trying to appease or extort the other party during your negotiations with them, paying them some lip service to make them forget any prior hostilities they might have held towards you is just as effective at making sure the only person getting frakked is them. As I was lacking anything to offer them, aside from the clothes on my back and throwing in a few good words about them to the Imperium once I get off this backwater planet, attempting to secure an ideal position for myself on this world would be incredibly difficult with words alone.
I was by no means an experienced diplomat, but, after having to maintain my undeserved reputation and putting on grandiose airs to make the people of the Imperium believe I was the hero the Commissariat advertised me as, lying my way into people's hearts came almost naturally to me by this point. I also knew just how important it was to tailor my words around a self absorbed noble or superior officer's interests so as to make them feel as if I was an old friend of theirs that they had known for years and would be willing to make concessions for to preserve our current relationship, keeping them blissfully unaware as to how much I loathed scum like them. Thankfully, it appeared that I wouldn't have to carry on with such a vexing masquerade again. I was pleasantly surprised to see the woman who had first escorted me into this room be the first to enter it instead of the self important noble I had been expecting. Apparently whoever was in charge of the Guild Hall or Adventurers Guild either placed a lot of trust in the Guild Girl or couldn't be bothered to meet me in person, not that I wouldn't have Jurgen do the same in their place. Fortunately for me, speaking to someone that was already willing to stand up for me would undoubtedly make future negotiations tip slightly in my favor compared to someone that had yet to hear of me.
I was also surprised to see the Guild Girl bring another woman with her that seemed to be of a similar rank, much to my confusion, which I took an extra effort to mask with a curt nod to both as they entered. This new arrival was practically identical to the woman I had already spoken with, the only real differences between them being how her brown hair flowed freely to her waist and a slight difference in their otherwise identical uniforms. This new staff member was also somewhat shorter than the woman she walked in with, and upon witnessing her gag upon noticing my aide's presence, was clearly used to meeting far more refined clientele than my aide.
Her reaction towards Jurgen was exactly what I expected it to be, it took every fiber of my willpower to mask the disgust I had upon our first meeting decades ago, making the Guild Girl's more muted reaction to him somewhat strange in comparison. Considering the young women's' differing attire, purely a minor palette swap that left the new arrival faintly resembling like an overdressed peacock, they must have been accustomed to dealing with different types of people in the Guild Hall. For a moment, I found myself wondering if Goblin Slayer was someone that the Guild Girl dealt with regularly, as while his and Jurgen's odor and appearances were vastly different, they were still equally repugnant. Her previous intervention between the Spearman and I also implied she was familiar with the less refined behaviors that Jurgen typically partook in, the warm smile that she directed at him as he ravaged the ration bar he pulled out from one of his many pouches clear evidence that she had seen things far more atrocious than that. The new arrival's shock at what some could arguably consider the 'table manners' my aide possessed indicated that she was far less used to people like him.
As entertaining as it was to subject them to the sight of Jurgen feast upon a ration bar like a hormagaunt tearing into a freshly massacred grox for a while longer, I had important business to conduct and preferred to not let my aide's appetite be the only thing they remembered about our meeting. I needed to ingratiate them to my undeserved and fraudulent position so that way they would offer me a nice, comfortable position befitting the diplomat I was masquerading as while also making myself capable of reaping the rewards such a position would bring with minimal effort or proof on my part. It was a lofty task, but considering that I had already come so far as to make the Guild Hall's staff I was deserving of a private audience, then I was confident I could convince them of whatever services I would require to fulfill my nonexistent role.
First off, I had to give these two the impression that, while I was a noble of some renown, I was also quite reasonable in my dealings with others unlike most of the aristocrats I had the displeasure of rubbing shoulders with. While I was unsure of whether or not the important individuals I wish to converse with had arrived yet, the likelihoods of a late arrival dwindling closer to nonexistent by the second, familiarizing myself with these two women that had taken it upon themselves to accept me wouldn't hurt the impression I intended to create for myself. I had always found that getting to know the commoners of a powerful household or establishment tended to earn myself a few favors that would otherwise have been unavailable to me through other means over the years. "I'm glad to see you again, Mrs. Once again, I thank you for taking it upon yourself to help me and my aide earlier." I said, trying my best to win her over with hollow flattery.
Both women seemed somewhat surprised at my cordial greeting to the Guild Girl I had talked with already, more than likely expecting me to hold some lingering frustrations for the near disaster she pulled me out of. If so, then their suspicions were well placed, as I already decided the Spearman who was at fault would be best dealt with through whatever means of retribution Jurgen would undoubtedly come up with, if he wasn't making such plans already. Not willing to let themselves be overwhelmed by my false show of humility, they soon broke their silence once they studied my face for any hints of insincerity on my face, all of which were safely hidden thanks to years of experience I had with masking my true intentions.
"It is nice to speak with you too, Hero of the Imperium, but we should be the ones thanking you for not losing your temper at one of our member's behavior towards you." Guild Girl said, looking uneasy as she used the title I dreaded so much that Jurgen blurted out in his characteristically obstinate insistence that I should be shown the respect I certainly do not deserve should anyone find my personal memoirs.
"Then let us agree to put that matter behind us while moving forwards." I tactfully said, before adding, "And please, call me Cain. I would prefer it if neither of you two referred to me by that gaudy title. I've never enjoyed it when others addressed me so formally."
The two girls looked uneasy for a moment, apparently taking issue at something that I said, before deciding to inform me of my gaffe. "Its a pleasure to finally meet you, but using our given names in this country is something of a taboo, Hero of the Imperium." The new girl said, doing her best to not watch Jurgen make a half hearted attempt at wiping off the shrapnel from his meal on one of his sleeves.
"I must say, I've travelled all across the galaxy but I have never heard of such a… unique custom." I told them, coming far too close to revealing my true opinions of that idiotic custom before I could restrain myself, as insulting my hosts way of life before I have a chance to impress them would hardly do me any favors. "If you do feel the need to address me by a title, call me Commissar Cain, if you must."
"If you insist, Commissar. Now before we-"
"Commissar Cain." I interrupted Guild Girl, the girl shirking back away from me as I raised my voice over hers. "There are many other commissars within the Imperium I have come here to represent, far more than anyone could ever hope to remember. As much as it might go against your customs here, should one of my comrades come to retrieve me, it will be better to refer to me as such to avoid any potential confusion, if that is acceptable to you."
The two women shared another uneasy look, but thankfully neither of their expressions lingered for long before they accented to what was to become yet another title I would find myself plagued by soon enough. "That will be acceptable, Commissar Cain." The Guild Girl said, before a look of apprehension dawned on her soon after.
"I'm sorry, but I should have introduced myself earlier when I had the chance." She insisted, the sight of her blushing, believing she had slighted me in some way, was amusing as it was adorable coming from a girl like her.
"Then there is no time like the present to leave such a mistake behind us, in the past, where it belongs." I told her, trying to tell her to get things moving in the friendliest way I could while attempting to force the conversation towards something meaningful before the day was over. While most commissars might have enjoyed such a display of verbal self-flagellation, I was not like most commissars. It has been too long since I have had a cup of tanna tea and I would rather finish inserting myself in a nice comfortable office with enough of the fragrant beverage to last me a week before this planet's twin moons revealed themselves once more.
Luckily, the Guild Girl's partner seemed to agree with my desire to stop our wallowing because of the mistakes of others, and took control of the conversation for her overly apologetic partner. "Then let's get started." She said, offering me a curt bow as she started her introduction. "I am Inspector, and my friend here who you have already met is Guild Girl."
"It's my pleasure to meet your acquaintance, ladies." I told them, biting back the snide comments I had to the ridiculous names they gave me and offering them a warm smile instead. "As you already know, I am Commissar Ciaphas Cain of the Imperium of Man, and this here is my loyal aide, Gunner Ferik Jurgen."
The two girls offered a hand to the both of us, but after either deciding that a handshake would be too formal for a man of my standing or seeing some of the remains of Jurgen's latest meal still clinging to his filthy gloves, retracted their hands before anyone could embarrass themselves any more than they already had. Jurgen seemed somewhat crestfallen at how I was not meeting someone of a more respectable position, but he took their apparent admiration for my position as Hero of the Imperium to be somewhat tolerable. "Nice to meet you girls. Hopefully we won't have anything bad to say about you once we get back home." Jurgen said, making the two look at me with concern.
Not wanting our negotiations to fall apart due to whatever prejudices my aide had towards the xenos sympathizers and quite unwilling to let him dig the hole I made for myself any deeper, I decided it would be best if he put himself to work before something else went horribly wrong for me. "Jurgen, how about you brew us all some tanna tea? I could use a mug after our journey here and it would be rude not to offer our hosts something after welcoming us during our unexpected arrival." I told him, before looking at Guild Girl and adding, "If we have your permission to use the Guild Hall's kitchen, of course."
She quickly nodded her consent, whether it was because she caught on to my true intentions or wanted to prevent the layer of grime covering Jurgen to relocate onto the couch we were sitting on anymore than it already had was uncertain. "Right away, sir. I'll be back as soon as your drinks are ready." Jurgen said as he stood up and snapped to attention.
Inspector, looking quite eager at the prospect of ridding herself of my aide and breathing in some air that hasn't had the chance to marinate with his lingering odor, quickly gestured to the door. "Just ask for Padfoot Waitress to show you the kitchen, she'll be happy to help you." She said as Jurgen left to bring us our refreshments.
"Oh, and be sure to clean up after yourself once you are finished." She added, likely envisioning Jurgen's aggressive approach to devouring his meals applying to any cooking attempts he made at creating them. I knew that, despite his usual slovenly approach to most aspects of his life, he was surprisingly tidy in the kitchen, even if the meals he cooked looked like nondescript blobs that hardly looked edible. The meals he cooked were thankfully unidentifiable, but he always left his cooking ware as clean as he started.
Both of the girls were likely relieved that they were not unwitting victim they were about to unleash Jurgen on, but they had enough tact to not reveal it on their faces once Jurgen closed the door behind him.
"You'll have to forgive my aide's… unique approach to self care." I told my hosts, feeling like I owed the girls an apology and Jurgen some defense for his appearance. "But, as unlikely as it would seem, I have yet to meet a finer soldier than him during my many years of service to the Imperium."
Inspector looked like she was getting ready to laugh at my admittedly weak excuse, but a reproachful look from Guild Girl quickly cleared whatever prejudices she held towards my aide's appearance for the time being. "Now, I do believe it's time we start discussing my business here today." I said, hoping that The Emperor would allow me to come up with something good enough to impress them by the end of the day.
Inspector quickly agreed with me, no doubt fearing Jurgen's imminent return and hoping that she could escape before his aroma assaulted her once more. "Indeed, but first we need to make sure you really are who you say you are, Commissar Cain." She said, putting her hands together in front of her chest and offering a small prayer that I couldn't make out the words to.
"I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say." I told her, my palms tingling as a shiver of unease rattled down my spine.
"It's simple, until we can be certain you are truly here on the behalf of a neighboring kingdom, I will be using the miracle 'Sense Lies' to ensure you are telling us the truth." Inspector said. I was honestly surprised to hear her say that, as not only was I surprised to learn she was a psyker that wasn't a few cards short of a tarot deck, but also that such a power existed. I had heard of psykers capable of reading other people's minds, but one that could determine the truth from lies was something new. It was then that I began to sweat profusely upon realizing that Jurgen's return would soon reveal him to be blank, forcing me to hasten my plan to earn myself a reputable position within the Adventurers Guild.
"If you are telling the truth then nothing will happen, but if you lie, I will know exactly what you are refraining to tell us." Inspector continued to explain, making me reevaluate my plans once more. She obviously hadn't realized Jurgen was a blank yet, as she had not had an adverse reaction to him like most psykers typically did… and why it would, now that I think about it, make my reasoning behind my previous fear contradictory. Whether or not he could allow me some manner of immunity to her ability to 'sense' lies was another matter entirely, one that could potentially allow me unlimited options moving forwards.
I palmed the Aquila in the hopes that Jurgen would hurry up with our tanna and started to discuss my nonexistent business in the Guild Hall as vaguely as possible until my aide's inevitable return. "Good, that will make things easier then." I lied through my teeth, giving both girls a nod as I did so. "To reiterate once again, I am Commissar Ciaphas Cain, a person that some would herald as the Hero of the Imperium of Mankind, and I have come here with my aide, Gunner Ferik Jurgen, in the hopes of building a peaceful relationship with both the Adventurers Guild and the kingdoms that it serves." I chose each of my words carefully, making sure to be as vague as possible while offering them some modicum of information they could find useful.
Guild Girl and Inspector shared a look of surprise, the latter nodding to show that I had not been untruthful while blissfully unaware of how little I had actually told her, and motioned for me to continue. "I have come here on behalf of the Imperium for this sole purpose." I said, smiling as I saw Inspector jerk her head towards me as I finished.
"He's lying." She declared, as if I hadn't already known that, before looking fixating me with her golden eyes with clear hostility. "Why are you really here?" She then asked me.
Playing the part of a liar caught in the act, I raised my hands up in surrender underneath her incredibly underwhelming interrogation technique. Getting yelled at by a beautiful young woman like her wasn't exactly the most intimidating of sights, although as my future depended on having her at my beck and call upon showing just how valuable an ally I was, I had no intentions of inciting any future hostilities between us. "My apologies for lying to you, but considering the outrageous situation that left me stranded in your care, I was hoping I wouldn't have to recount the absurd circumstances that have allowed us to meet like this." I told her.
Not detecting any more lies and seemingly won over by my sincerity, still unaware my hopes of the future would leave me without work while enjoying whatever benefits the planet had to offer at my leisure, she nodded and allowed me to continue. "The real reason I am here is because, after sacrificing myself to help the Imperium triumph against the forces of Chaos and the army of daemons that threatened the people I am sworn to defend, I managed to somehow escape certain death by jumping through a portal that some Chaos Cultists had created for themselves which left me lost in goblin territory. I luckily managed to come across an adventurer that led me to the Frontier Town after assisting him with the 'quest' he claimed to be on, which is why I am here before you now, seeking your help as I am no longer able to reach the Imperium of Man or any of my allies who could help me return home." I explained, enjoying the look of stupefied disbelief in both women's eyes as I gave them an incredibly brief account of the past several days.
"He's… he's telling the truth." Inspector stuttered, renewing her impression of me and settling for a look of sheer amazement at what she believed to be my remarkable accomplishments. If she had only known just how few daemons I willingly dealt with until the full might of the Warp was unleashed on my transport to a paradise world or how many people I couldn't save before and after everything went ploin shaped, I imagined that her opinion of me would have been much worse than when she had caught me in a deliberate lie.
Before either of us could say anything else, a light knocking came from the door, announcing my aide's return. Guild Girl quickly made an attempt to let him in before another employee let him in, this new arrival leaving me at a loss for words at her abnormal appearance. No less enchanting than the other two women, despite the wolf-like tail and ears she sported, the maid that followed in Jurgen while carrying a few more refreshments for us in addition to the drinks he carried looked remarkably more human than the other strange xenos I had seen so far. It was as I studied the rest of her physique as she spread out a modest meal for me and my aide that I recalled one of the rarer varieties of abhumans accepted within the Imperium, and the terror that came with realizing how eager I had been to kill a loyal servant of the Imperium.
Beastmen were a rarity among the ranks of the Imperial Guard, although regiments composed entirely of them or with only a single one of these rare abhuman mutants were not unheard of, but knowing that didn't leave me any less shocked seeing one in person. My earlier assumption of the planet I now found myself on being a long lost agri-world seemed to be a distinct possibility once more, although the prospect of it still remaining lost and thoroughly infested with mutants was not as appealing as I would have liked it to be. It was better than being lost on a planet filled with hostile xenos with no hopes of being found someday, but not by much.
My hosts must have noticed my surprise, as they wasted no time trying to recover my attention once I focused on the abhuman serving girl that attended us. "Is there something wrong, Commissar Cain?" Guild Girl asked, looking slightly concerned at how intensely I was staring at the serving girl.
"No, not at all!" I nearly shouted in an attempt to save face. My outburst might have been overeager, but considering the reason for it, I could hardly be blamed for acting so surprised earlier.
"My apologies, but I have never seen a living beastman in person before." I said as I nodded my thanks to the woman in question as she placed a steak of unidentifiable origin on the small table. "Some people within the Imperium believe that your kind to be extinct, and I myself had some doubts about the rumors of your kind's existence until now."
Never mind that I thought that she and others like her were xenos until a few seconds ago. I could only wonder how many others of the strange faces and forms I saw on the streets were truly xenos or mutants whose origins came from the time of The Emperor. I didn't know, but I could already tell from the itching of my palms that I wouldn't like the answer.
All three of the girls looked uneasy for a moment, either surprised by my ignorance of something they took to be common knowledge or by my aide's abrasive aroma filling the room once more. Inspector seemed to be more concerned with the latter, but the other two had a bit more presence of mind and resistance to Jurgen's scent to be bothered by such a trifling matter. "You've never seen a beastman before?" The girl asked me, looking genuinely intrigued that such a thing was possible.
"I've seen plenty of pictures, but I've never met one in person." I said, smoothly latching onto the topic of discussion she had thrown towards me now that I could say whatever I wanted to with Jurgen by my side. "I never would have expected to set eyes on one such as lovely as yourself though. Let me be the first to say that I am pleased to meet your acquaintance."
The beastman woman flushed ever so slightly at my flattery, but she recovered more quickly than the inbred imbeciles and other aristocrats I typically socialized with. Her recovery was presumably due to her experience with such flattery gained by serving men in the bar outside or from those that were solely interested in her ample chest or her generously exposed legs that only years of experience could keep my idle appreciation of what she had on display invisible to everyone else in the room. Even so, she still held a smile as she spoke, showing me that no matter what she thought of my flattery, she still appreciated the recognition I offered her. "Thank you, Commissar, but please just call me Padfoot Waitress."
"Very well." I said.
Jurgen, always as observant as ever and unwilling to keep such things to himself, decided to break his silence too now that he was done pouring drinks for both of us, Guild Girl, and Inspector who was quite hesitant to approach the cup of tanna tea he poured for her. "Thanks for the help, Padfoot. I can't remember meeting a xeno as helpful as you before." He said, making it apparent that we would need to have a few words regarding the abhumans on this planet before the day was over.
To my surprise, she gave him a curt little bow before leaving the meeting room and allowing all of us still present to continue our discussion in private. Apparently this bar must have been a bit more upscale than the appearances of its patrons outside in the main dining area suggested if someone like Jurgen could receive some service with a smile.
"Ahem, so Commissar Cain," Guild Girl started now that the brief interruption to our discussion had come to an end, her eyes darting between me and Jurgen with a mix of curiosity and something else that I couldn't quite place yet, "You said that you fought demons before meeting with Goblin Slayer, is that correct?"
"Daemons, not demons." I told her, emphasizing my pronunciation to make sure she was not mistaking any of the more twisted looking mutants for the chaos spawn I wanted her to know I had fought. There was a chance that we were both referring to the same creatures, but until I knew for sure, I did not want to risk creating an unintentional misunderstanding between us. Well, one that could come back to harm me, to be specific. "There had to have been dozens, if not hundreds of the foul Warp spawn. It was only through a combination of our decades of experience fighting such foes and our weapons being guided by The Emperor himself that we were able to fight our way through the vile hordes of Chaos incarnate and end up here instead of being slaughtered like so many others before those creatures of pure evil."
Guild Girl looked to Inspector for confirmation of my claim, which she nodded her approval of and showed me that Jurgen's presence was combating whatever warpcraft she was employing to prove the truthfulness of my statements. I had never willingly fought through the hordes of daemons that interrupted my journey to the paradise world I was supposed to have been on by now, merely holding back the few that were insistent on hampering my escape who came too close to my aide and occasionally sending them back to the Warp when I had no other alternative to keep us alive until the next daemon tried to claim our souls. Not exactly what I would consider a battle fit for a hero as much as it was an attempt to save my own skin, but it seemed that both women already believed my heavily embellished story was completely true. It never failed to amaze me how the more outrageous my claims were, the more people tended to believe it. I suppose its one of the few perks that comes with being considered a Hero of the Imperium, how no one will dare to deny my ludicrous stories and that any attempts to try to sound modest about my accomplishments was just me downplaying acts of incredible bravery as something anyone else would have done if they were me. No one knows me better than myself, and all I can say is that I was thankful that my reputation seemed to give me the same amount of credibility on this primitive agri-world as it did within the Imperium.
"That is… incredible." Guild Girl finally stammered after a long moment of silence that gave me a moment to enjoy the delectable steak of indeterminate origin Jurgen had somehow acquired. If I could get more meals like this every day, then perhaps this truly was the best planet I could have possibly been stranded on, short of a paradise world of course.
"That was nothing compared to the time you had to fight a Khornate daemon with just a rusty knife and a bottle of holy water." Jurgen piped in, earning a look of absolute disbelief from both women once again.
Seeing another path to securing my reputation as an unparalleled warrior of the Imperium, something that any Space Marine could easily prove to be a complete lie, I decided to approach one of the more memorable incidents in my long and inglorious career as modestly as I could. "It was a rusty bayonet, not a knife, Jurgen. Besides, it was only a single greater daemon. We've fought far worse than that before and still managed to triumph over our foes." I said, trying to brush off the incident as something I did regularly.
"You're right. Sorry about that, commissar. That daemon princess and those Chaos Marines were much tougher than that daemon you took down on your own." Jurgen said, speaking in the same tone as if he were talking about yesterday's weather.
I gave both of our hosts a minute to collect themselves before speaking, finishing up my meal and finally taking a long overdue sip of tanna tea that I had been craving for days now. The refreshingly bitter beverage sent a wave of warmth flowing down my throat and through my chest at the same time Guild Girl finally found the courage to speak up to me now that she believed I was truly able to fight daemons of all sorts on equal terms. "I don't know what to say to you, Commissar Cain. I can only imagine what you have gone through." She said, deciding to settle for something as noncommittal and neutral sounding as possible.
"Then perhaps it would be best for me to start discussing something more important than entertaining the both of you with more tales of my exploits." I said, taking firm control of the negotiations now that I had both women dancing around in the palm of my hand.
"As I have already told you, I am quite a long way from home, and as such, I would like to request your aid in contacting the Imperium of which I represent if possible." I told them, noticing that neither Guild Girl nor Inspector were getting ready to protest and taking that as a sign to continue with a few more requests. "If you would also be so kind as to offer me some shelter until I can repay your kindness, I would gladly offer whatever services I can provide your guild during my time here and I would be more than willing to share my experiences here with my contacts back home when the opportunity arises."
Or, in other words, so long as they treated me like the typically worthless noble that could hardly do anything more than enjoy themselves at the expense of those that they governed over, I would make sure to only tell the Imperium about the good things I saw and wouldn't give a frak about anything else. Not exactly the most subtle of arrangements or favorable terms for them, but unless they were willing to risk angering me they would have no choice but to agree to my terms in full.
"We would be glad to accommodate you in your time of need, Commissar Cain." Guild Girl said, although something about the hint of apprehension in her eyes left me feeling uneasy about what that would entail.
"Pardon me for asking, but is there something troubling you about my offer?" I asked her, doing my best to sound sincere and ignore my itching palms.
"Yes, there is." Inspector said, looking far more hesitant than I would have liked her to. "It may be quite some time until we are able to contact the kingdom or empire you are from. I have never heard of this 'Imperium of Man' you hail from, but I'm sure we can still manage to find someone from there eventually." She explained.
"Don't worry, spending a year on this planet is well within my expectations." I told her, hoping desperately that there wasn't another complication she was afraid to inform me of.
I suppose that after a remark like that, I should have expected more bad news to follow. Sure enough, there was. "Thank you for your leniency, but we also do not have a room currently available for you tonight, as all of them were already taken by some of the adventurers dining in the Guild Hall." She said, looking comically nervous, as if another night spent outside of a bed was anything to someone who had spent months fighting their way through an army of greenskins on a desert planet without a single habitent to take shelter in.
As amazed as I was to see what she was so afraid to ask me about, I hid my disappointment at the revelation well when answering her. "I understand. I am under no illusion that you would have been able to prepare rooms for me and my aide under such short notice." I told them, relieved that there was no other bad news they had to tell me about.
"We should be able to have a room ready for you by tomorrow, Commissar Cain." Guild Girl quickly interjected.
"Then both Jurgen and I will be grateful for whatever you are able to provide us when the time comes." I said. "But until then, I'm sure we can find our own accommodation or at the very least, a dry patch of ground to set up camp for the night."
Jurgen and I had already spent two nights out on the countryside far outside the safety offered by the Frontier Town we now found ourselves in, so spending another night far closer to the comforts of civilization didn't seem as bad as it could have been. As much as I wanted to end our discussion there, it seemed as if Guild Girl had one last thing to offer me. If I had known just how much danger those next few words she had spoken would have put me in, I would have never spoken to her or anyone else in the Guild Hall again.
"Before you leave, let me register both you and Gunner Jurgen as members of the Adventurers Guild." Guild Girl chimed in as I started to rise from my seat.
As innocent as her offer sounded, my palms itched at the very idea of joining an organization with unknown requirements. With that said, I did not want to appear ungrateful or outright refuse the bare minimal amount of work she asked of me in exchange for any services the Guild would be offering me. Even if I wasn't masquerading as a diplomat, it hardly seemed fitting for the Hero of the Imperium to be caught relying too heavily on the good graces of others.
To relieve any suspicions I had about her offer, I made sure to ask exactly what would be expected of me should I choose to join her organization. "What sort of duties would be expected of me should I register? Nothing that would put me at odds with my commitments to the Imperium, I presume?" I asked her.
"Not at all." Guild Girl said. "Once you join, you can complete any quests we post daily to build up your rank and other rewards for completing them or, if you would prefer to help out the newer adventurers, we are also starting a program to train them before they go on their first quest and we could use someone as talented as yourself to train them." She explained, leaving me far more intrigued at the later considering how easy it would be for me to impart my knowledge onto a younger generation. The bitter irony of how this would put me in a similar position to the one I declined on Perlia was not lost on me.
"I think that sounds quite wonderful, especially if I could reach a point where I could have an audience with the rulers of the surrounding kingdoms." I said in agreement. "Surely one of the local rulers must know something about the Imperium, and meeting them in person would allow us to discuss more sensitive matters freely."
Inspector looked at me with some suspicion, but I quickly offered her an explanation beyond earning a few more rich and powerful allies to surround myself with during my stay on this planet. "As much as I would like to use my position as a representative of the Imperium to meet these individuals, meeting them without the backing of my kingdom with only Jurgen and my own stories to give any credence to my status wouldn't sit well with me."
Both of the women took my explanation at face value, and after we all finished our tanna tea, Guild Girl and Inspector, apparently finding the taste as distasteful as Amberley did, left their mugs behind as I carried mine out the meeting room to apply as an adventurer alongside Jurgen. If I had known how often I would run into goblins because of my actions that day, I would have refused any attempt they would have made to make me leave the Guild Hall.
Author's Corner:
The Imperium's patron saint of luck, bullshitting, and sarcasm has proven himself worthy of his status once more. Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM, has finally earned himself a stable place within the Adventurers Guild. Only time will tell what this arrangement of his will demand of him…
Anywho, it's time for what is turning into the best part of my little bit at the end here, the comments!
"Guest": Cain should do a dissection of a Goblin to see how it differs from a Grot
There is only ONE Reason either Jurgen or Cain will find a reason to dissect a Goblin or anything other creature. Unless they find the Reason, there will be no dissections. Besides, they're soldiers, not cogboys.
Kukuhimanpr: What would Jurgen's title be? I'm sure the HERO OF THE IMPERIUM would ensure Jurgen's title is at least his equivalent, since Jurgen totally deserves it.
Titles will be revealed in the next chapter. Just because they have their own preferred titles doesn't mean that anyone will be using them in favor of anything they feel to be more appropriate.
Havel the Hebel: Ah yes, I can't wait to see the man of the imperium meet other abhumans and Eldar.
Alexander of the Imperial Fist: I like the story. It has a lot of potential and I can't wait for Cain to encounter a dwarf and think it's a squat.
I also think this topic holds a lot of potential. I have things planned for most of Goblin Slayer's party once they make their entrance, so expect quite a few laughs once an Imperial officer with minimal knowledge of abhumans starts asking them about some rumors and propaganda regarding their races. And don't get me even started on what Cain will do when forced to interact with an elf...
That's it for now. Don't be afraid to say what you'd like in the comments or show your support! I appreciate everything you amazing people do!