Of all the paperwork I have had the displeasure of filling out, or more accurately, allowed Jurgen to fill out on my behalf before making a few adjustments of my own and stamping it with my seal of approval once the necessary changes were made, the registration form to become an official member of the Adventurers Guild was one of the most ridiculous forms I have laid eyes on. During my time as a commissar attached to several different regiments dealing with various ranks of soldiers , I found that updating the data slates with the latest infractions of my most notorious troublemakers was the desk work that made me question my own sanity the most after reading the outrages escapades my usual suspects had been up to. There were only so many times that you could write the words 'broke a man's arm and shoved a bottle up his arse for getting too handsy' so many times and still take your job seriously. While I might not have the pleasure of dealing with Sergeant Magot anymore, it seems I had not yet escaped the absurd explanations and details I dreaded recording while dealing with her.
Filling out my age, experience, and title instead of my name were all things I had been expecting to do in order to make my membership official, but the other information I was asked made me feel like I was being interrogated by an inquisitor instead of giving a simple description of what I was capable of. Considering my regular interactions with the Inquisition over the years, I was quite familiar with the kind of nonsense they often sought after. I don't know what use the Adventurer's Guild has for someone's spells, class, level, or race, or what any purpose that knowledge would serve when a simple glance at the person filling out the form could do the same, but I still filled out my paperwork to the best of my ability so the Administratum drone or whatever the local equivalent is here could make sense of that nonsense instead of me.
After listing the last little detail about my equipment that I was willing to divulge, I more or less made my new official name on this backwater planet 'Commissar Cain', and after forcing Jurgen to choose something other than 'Commissar's Aide' for himself, he settled on 'Gunner Jurgen'. With our paperwork finally finished and my trusty aide eager to make himself busy by undertaking a task he deemed unfitting for my position as an unofficial ambassador of the Imperium, I let him deliver our registration forms and carefully watched the carnage he created from the safety of a nearby table. Most of the Guild Hall employees that had been waiting to review our registration forms looked at us like we were dumber and dirtier than orks while we were filling them out, but thankfully a quick word from Guild Girl put a quick end to whatever gossip was surrounding us before Jurgen noticed the unspoken challenge they posed to him. There was nothing Jurgen took more pride in than his position as my aide, so it was nothing short of a miracle that the girls working the quest counter of the Guild Hall fell silent before he could hear what they were saying.
While most of the staff's whispered discussion were likely in relation to my abrupt entrance and the irksome fool that decided to waste both of our time by making painfully obvious he was in desperate need of a cheap joygirl to inflate his shallow ego, I was sure that more than a few comments were made in regards to Jurgen's and my current appearance. Jurgen looked no different than usual, although with perhaps an extra layer of grime on top of the coat of dirt he typically wore over his cocoon of webbing and pouches that were near impossible to distinguish from the rest of his messy appearance. No matter where he went, he was always able to attract the wrong kind of attention, but this time I could not help but to admit that I must not have looked much better than he did. Surviving on a cruise ship travelling through the Warp and fleeing from chaos cultists alongside whatever demons they were able to let onboard after I failed to stop them from damaging the ship's Gellar Field Device in their attempt to destroy it entirely did not give me many opportunities to bathe or mend the damage my uniform took during those frantic few days. Spelunking in a dirt cave and fighting a small horde of greenskins within splattering distance immediately afterwards and travelling on foot for two days on top of everything else had done my image an even greater disservice. I have no doubt that the myriad assortment of tears, bloodstains, and other blemishes whose origins I would prefer to remain ignorant of made me look far less noble than I would have in a freshly laundered commissarial greatcoat under ordinary circumstances. Still, as filthy as I might have looked when I first entered the Guild Hall, I was still able to draw in a crowd with my presence alone and had them dancing in the palm of my hand, save for one pompous idiot in particular.
Speaking of that twit, he had been glaring daggers at me ever since I walked out of the meeting room alongside Jurgen and the guild staff. Apparently the only lesson he learned from earlier was that if he was going to start something, then it had to be when none of the staff were able to stop him from doing anything stupid. My aide had been at the desk for no less than a minute, doing whatever it was that made my job so much easier ever since I started letting him carry out my more mundane duties for me, that the Spearman decided to make another attempt at making a fool of himself. "Well, how did your registration go, Hero of the Imperium?" He taunted me, dashing any hopes I might have had about leaving the Guild Hall without speaking to him again.
Wanting to put this idiot in his place, and longing for some way to entertain myself after the filling meal Jurgen had acquired for me, I decided that there was no better way to solve both of my problems at the same time by seeing exactly how much I could wind him up before Guild Girl grabbed him by the proverbial gnads again for everyone to see. "Quite well considering that there were no fools standing in my way and preventing me from doing my duty. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you aren't having to entertain someone that doesn't feel the need to prove how strong he is by giving himself a name only his mother would think is impressive." I riposted, earning a scowl from the man in glimmering metal armor and blindingly dull wit.
The Spearman clearly didn't think of me much differently now than when I first walked in here, apparently having forgotten his earlier embarrassment in the brief time I was away from the dining room of the Guild Hall. I don't know exactly what childish insult he had saved for me, but I was already preparing my next jab as he started to formulate his next childish attempt to insult me, regardless of what it was. "Why I ought to-"
Whatever inane insult he considered voicing to both me and the tables close enough to overhear him was quickly silenced as a tangled net of webbing flew past my shoulder hit the Spearman in the mouth, leaving him unable to talk and myself personally feeling incredibly grateful that someone finally decided to shut that idiot up before I had to pull out my laspistol. I turned around to see who was so generous as to save me from the idiot that came close to becoming the center of attention inside the Guild Hall again and thank them for doing everyone in the Guild Hall a service, but the sight of a woman looking less like someone willing to go on an adventure, unless that 'adventure' didn't go any further than the confines of an adequately cushioned bed, and more like a brothel's prized joygirl stole left me speechless. Her breasts were pleasantly plump and gave the illusion that they were trying to burst forth from her low cut dress, her black robe so thin and form fitting that it hardly left anything to the imagination while leaving anyone watching plenty of room to fill in the gaps that were hardly there. Her purple hair was quite odd, as was the oversized hat she wore, but considering everything else I had seen upon entering the Guild Hall, I could hardly call it out of place. I had seen worse fashion on several other planets, with the general population of Periremunda remaining the greatest adversary to tasteful color schemes that I had ever had the displeasure of witnessing.
The enchanting woman before me obviously knew the effect she had on people, as she offered me a sly smile that held nothing back about what she thought when I was undressing her with my eyes, and she approached me and the Spearman as he struggled to pry the gag that was stuck to his face. "That will be enough… for one day... Spearman." She said, her words hanging in the air in between her every pause which only added to her already alluring figure instead of making her sound like she caught a bolter round to the head and never fully recovered from the ensuing brain damage like her speech would with most people.
"Thank you for saving me the trouble of shutting him up. I was afraid I was going to need to ask Guild Girl to help scare him off again." I said, both of us letting out a chuckle at the expense of the idiot in front of us as he tried to mumble something through his impromptu gag to little effect.
Her laugh was just as enchanting as the rest of her, and I found myself drawn into those luscious lips of hers as she let a single laugh escape from them. "I always… have my hands full… keeping my partner in check." She said, emphasizing her relationship with him in a way that only a woman unable to comprehend her lover's stupidity could.
"Ah, I understand. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to keep someone like him out of trouble. It must hardly be worth the effort dealing with him the moment someone threatens his ego just by walking in the same room as him." I said, trying to mask my amazement that an arrogant blowhard managed to make such a lovely woman fall for him so hard.
Both Spearman's partner and I took a long look at him as his face flushed with anger and he tried to say something, more than likely cursing my name as violently as he could from the sweat beading off of his face as he did so, his muffles making him sound as pathetic as he looked, before marching away from us in frustration.
"He has his days... but I wouldn't say… he doesn't... have his charms." She purred, her eyes following him intently as he attempted to blend into the crowd surrounding us.
I only needed to take a single look at that twinkle in her eyes as she stared at her partner as he attempted to peel off the webbing covering his mouth to see that whatever charm she was referring to certainly wasn't anything the average romantic was looking for in their partner. I don't know what a woman like her saw in Spearman, but after asking that same question hundreds of times about Amberley and myself, I knew better than to inquire any further. There were some answers a man was better off not knowing. "So, what does a lovely lady like yourself do with your partner, Miss…" I said, leaving her the opportunity to introduce herself so I wouldn't have to keep on referring to her as Spearman's partner whenever I wanted an opportunity to gaze upon something truly magnificent.
"Please… call me Witch." She said, offering a warm smile as she finally gave me something to call her and giving me a youthful smile, making her look far younger than I initially believed her to be.
As loathe as I am to admit it, the bravado I had earlier when first spotting her wavered upon hearing the title she went by. My past experiences with psykers that thought similar titles made them sound more dangerous than they actually were and the Eldar whom I had nothing but absolute hatred for made my palms twitch ever so slightly as I thought about what would happen if I continued talking to the woman before me. Despite my sense of self-preservation reeling against my decision to continue speaking with Spearman's partner, I decided it would be better to at least try to have her think of me in a friendly sort of way so that if she ever did suddenly decide to let the power of the Warp flow freely through her, she would be far less inclined to harm me should I ever stray too far from Jurgen in her presence again.
"I'll be sure to look out for you in the future, Witch, should I ever need someone to handle Spearman for me in the future. Of course, that's only if I still feel like bruising his ego isn't worth the trouble of speaking to him any longer than I have to." I said, hoping that I would never have to make use of her assistance again.
Witch let out another small, sexy laugh at my attempt to maintain the jovial mood between us. "I'll be sure… to keep an eye on him… in the future… Hero of the Imperium." She said, bowing to me and almost giving me a memorable sight as her cleavage threatened to jump free from its restraints as she did so.
"There's no need to be so formal with me." I told her, not to mention that I didn't want that particular title she used to grace my ears any more than I wanted it to. "I am now an adventurer like yourself until the foreseeable future, so please, calling me Commissar Cain will suffice."
Witch blinked in surprise at my request, but soon adopted the same sultry smile she had greeted me with soon after. "A foriegn noble and modest… I'll be expecting to hear… great things from you… Commissar." She said, giving me a wave as she wandered off in the direction that her partner left to presumably help him remove his gag if he hadn't done so already.
With that brief interruption out of the way, I once again focused on some of the more abnormal looking patrons of the Guild Hall in an attempt to make sense of what exactly some of the more deviant forms stirring among the crowd could possibly be. Now that I know that there are beastmen on this planet thanks to the maid Jurgen had managed to harass into providing us a free meal, I wanted to make sure that the less human looking mutants were just that and not xenos in disguise. In addition the the remarkably human looking beastmen, more than likely the byproduct of this planet's human ancestors with particularly depraved tastes when it came to their love life, I was also able to see the occasional squat and ratling darting in between the legs of humans and more feral looking beastmen that were as tall as an ogryn but lacked the excess muscle that particular variant of humanity possessed.
While I still had my doubts as to how such a diverse group of individuals could stay together for any extended period of time without slaughtering each other until only the strongest or most plentiful race remained, I couldn't deny the fact that they all seemed to get along with each other remarkably well. Songs, ranging from some of the more bawdy tunes that could be overheard in the guardsmen's barracks if one waited long enough to some more heartfelt tales of romance and adventure, were all being shared amid the collective attempts of everyone in the Guild Hall trying to make themselves heard over everyone else. It was strangely nostalgic, hearing men and women that were no strangers to risking their lives for the good of their friends and families back home taking a moment to relax and revel in each other's company. For a moment, I felt as if I was back among the soldiers that had come to rely on me in the Valhallan 597th once again, until a distinctive, familiar odor assaulted me from behind and left me in no mood for feeling sentimental anymore.
"Jurgen, you're back. I'll take it that everything went well?" I asked him, not bothering to turn around as I didn't expect him to tell me that the guild staff had been anything but cooperative or subservient to him once he started hounding him the same way he did all other clerks that had the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with him.
It was only when I turned to offer Jurgen his mug of tanna tea which I had been saving for him that I saw him looking ready to unleash the Warp on the next person to speak to him, other than me, of course. "Damn civvies and mutants here don't know the first thing about respect, commissar. They think we're no better than a couple of strangers that don't know the first thing about fighting." He grumbled, presenting me a creamy white colored dog tag with some of the information I filled out on my registration etched on it.
I didn't know exactly what it was that my aide was so furious about, but after taking a moment to bite down on the cheap metal tag and scratching some of the paint of as I did so, it appeared to me that the bureaucrats here were no less asinine about their long standing procedures than those in the Imperium. Whatever sort of ranking the tag Jurgen handed me represented, it could not possibly have been anywhere close to the position he believed I should hold if his impression of the guild staff he talked with was anything to go by. My aide was wearing the same dull, colorless tag he handed to me, and considering how long it had taken him to hand in a couple of papers, odds are that there was no amount of convincing either of us could do to change our position in the Adventurers Guild, beyond that of an incredibly important representative of an empire they had never heard of, without getting our hands dirty and playing politics for such a petty reason. I had no intentions of leaving the safety of the Guild Hall once they finally cleared out a few rooms for me and Jurgen, so I was perfectly fine with being considered no better than a rookie guardsmen if it meant I could live a peaceful life of luxury. Jurgen, however, wouldn't be satisfied without me being amongst the elite of this particular Guild Hall, Spearman especially, so I made a token attempt at placating him in the hopes that he would forget about this apparent injustice long enough for me to find some busywork that could keep him occupied for however long we end up stuck on this backwater planet.
"Don't be too hard on our hosts, Jurgen. I have no doubt that the guild staff here are doing everything they can to make ourselves feel welcome during our stay. The least we can do for them is prove that we are worthy of their hospitality by passing whatever tests it takes to earn the recognition we deserve." I told him, hoping that the prospect of work and possibly killing a few goblins would appease him for now. I had no intentions of coming anywhere close to those little green bastards than I had before seeing what they did to their captives, but if the prospect of fighting some greenskins could lift Jurgen's mood just a little, I was more than willing to tempt fate once again. "Besides, where's the harm of becoming 'Hero of the Frontier Town'? Heroes aren't just given a shiny gold medal one day that tells everyone how to treat them, they prove they are worthy of the respect they are given by working their way up the ranks and fighting humanity's most depraved enemies without hesitation time and time again."
In retrospect, this is probably where most of my troubles after this day started, but at the time it felt like the right thing to say to raise my aide's morale and save Guild Girl or another staff member from Jurgen's wrath. If only I had known how literally he would have taken my words, I would have demanded a platinum tag alongside Jurgen and made the king ruling over the Frontier Town deliver them to us himself considering how often we come close to certain death afterwards. I suppose I have no one but myself to blame for forgetting how literal minded my aide was, as if his insistence of keeping a few months worth of tanna tea on him at all times to keep me from conquering another planet by myself wasn't enough of a reminder already.
"Well, they could have at least asked you to show them how great of a marksman you are before deciding anything," Jurgen grumbled in defeat.
As childish as his words were, I did see the point he was trying to make. There had to have been some people that were more experienced than the common Imperial citizen when it came to holding their own in a fight, and much like the Imperial Guard that finds the perfect use for such people during a planet's yearly tithe delivery, it seemed reasonable that the Guild would have such a system for distinguishing people with some combat experience from the others who couldn't tell which end of a bayonet was used to kill xenos and heretics.
"I think you might be right, Jurgen. Maybe I should try and have a word with them." I said. Even if there wasn't a way to inflate my standing in the Guild without putting in any of the effort it would have required an ordinary person to go through, I was fairly confident that a display of my skills would serve me just as well as my fanciful stories of willingly slaying daemons had. There was only one way to find out.
I locked eyes with Guild Girl as I made my approach to the quest counter, the blonde girl quickly rushing to meet me either to continue the high class service she felt her coworkers were incapable of showing me or believing that I would be more comfortable speaking with her. Being able to talk to someone that already had a high opinion of me and seemed to be awestruck by my bragging certainly would have made it easier to request something from the guild staff, so I made sure to offer her my warmest smile as Jurgen and I approached her.
"Oh, Commissar Cain, is there anything else I can help you with?" She asked, shirking back a little bit as my aide's aroma asserted itself in between us.
"Yes, there is." I told her, and before Jurgen could voice his own displeasure at my treatment on the Adventurers Guild as a new member no more competent than a frakking Whiteshield, I tactfully approached the matter in a roundabout way so as to neither appear ungrateful or lacking confidence in my capabilities. "I was curious as to what the color of the tag he gave me represented. Jurgen has been insisting that it means I am no better than a rookie that has never seen combat before, but I assumed that there was likely a different reason behind them and wanted to ask you about it to make sure."
If looks could kill, then the glare Jurgen was giving Guild Girl would have melted her as quickly as a shot from his meltagun. Perhaps this was why she seemed momentarily flustered at my innocent question, and as she made her own displeasure known with a pointed look towards the other woman who was in the meeting room with us who must have shared in the unfortunate task of dealing with Jurgen moments ago alongside a few other hapless victims, I could only assume that something managed to get lost in translation in their hurried attempt to get away from each other as quickly as possible.
"Since it seems that you are unfamiliar with the ranking system used by the Adventurers Guild, Commissar, let me be the first to inform you about the basics and give your aide a more detailed explanation in case he didn't understand the basic one Inspector gave him earlier. Do you mind if I see your tag for a moment?" She asked me.
I would have done as she asked, but a hand covered in filth clenching a tag not unlike the one I had already draped around my neck shot out in front of me before I could remove my own. "Here, use mine instead." Jurgen told her, apparently deciding that it would be best if I stood around like the worthless noble I was only partially pretending to be while he continued to be as insistent about our typical hierarchy and their respective workloads as ever.
Guild Girl balked at the prospect of touching the layers of grime covering my aide's outstretched hand and his tag, which a few patches of filth had already migrated to. She once again proved herself to be an unflappable professional when it came to her job, and daintily grabbed onto the chain my aide dangled in front of her and did her best not to think about where the stains on it had come from as she prepared her presentation.
"The Guild sorts its members by placing them in ten different ranks, separating our members according to differences based on their skills, experience, reputation, and number of quests completed." She explained, as I in turn looked at Jurgen who had apparently neglected to tell me about such and was looking quite sheepish now he had already been proven wrong. Despite already being satisfied with her explanation, I decided to continue listening to Guild Girl in case she mentioned something else that could save me some potential confusion in the future.
"The lowest rank is Porcelain, which we give to all new members of the Adventurers Guild, including yourselves." She said as she gestured towards the dirty metal tag in her hand, before handing it back to Jurgen who wore it with a bit more pride than he had before. "The highest rank, Platinum, has only been given to fifteen people who have all gone down in history as some of the greatest heroes that have ever lived. The other ranks, such as Gold and Silver, belong to high ranking adventurers that are commonly employed by kingdoms to handle national matters that nobles are unable to mobilize an entire army against. On the opposite end, is Porcelain rank, which we give to all new members including yourself, tells us that anyone wearing the tag has yet to accept and complete many quests that the Guild has posted..."
"And means that the Guild is unable to determine how effective they are in combat." I finished for her, making the obvious connection for myself.
"Yes, but an adventurer's tag also represents the amount of trust that has been placed in them and limits the quests that adventurers can take so we do not send newly accepted members on a quest to slay a dragon… intentionally." She said, and although I wanted to hear more about what she meant by 'intentionally, she continued her explanation before either Jurgen or I could interrupt her. "The other ranks, ranging between copper which is the third highest rank an adventurer can achieve to obsidian which is only one step above Porcelain, represent varying levels of skill and experience that an adventurer has displayed to the Guild. While some adventurers might be strong enough to take on quests above their current rank, there are unfortunately a few adventurers that are not trustworthy enough to rise above a certain rank due to their interactions with other adventurers or their clients."
Or in other words, the Guild saves itself the trouble of demoting members for misconduct by never promoting them in the first place. The Guild's ranking system seemed reasonable, if slightly more nebulous than the hierarchy employed by the Imperial Guard which I blissfully existed outside of that Jurgen typically chose to ignore too, unless he could extort the authority of his position in the Guard for our benefit. I doubt the Commissariat would have much of a purpose if the Militarum managed itself half as effectively.
"Your tag also has your personal information engraved onto it, although nothing more than what anybody could figure out just by looking at you. It could be used to confirm your identity no matter what might happen to you during your adventures." She said in a tone that was once again far too optimistic and cheery for my tastes.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you really saying these tags will be used to identify our bodies if something kills us and leaves behind nothing larger than a few bones and bite sized chunks of meat?" I asked glumly upon recognizing just how similar these tags were to the dog tags issued to guardsmen everywhere.
Guild Girl looked downtrodden at my simplification of our tags purposes, but soon conceded that I was right despite my slim hopes of her proving me wrong. "Yes… while that does happen to be their main use outside of administrative purposes, we try not to tell new adventurers signing up about it so we don't frighten them off." She admitted, leaving me speechless at just how heartlessly pragmatic the Adventurers Guild was.
I'll admit, the Imperium isn't much better when it comes to telling any hopeful recruits to the Imperial Guard or Navy that the enemies they are fighting will probably kill them by the thousands every day, and only kill them if they're lucky, but at least they are upfront about the danger they will be facing even if they don't tell anyone the odds of surviving until retirement are. While the Adventurers Guild's targets seem far less dangerous and vile than the xenos plaguing the Imperium based on the few stories I've been able to overhear so far, I can hardly compliment them for hiding the risks that the job entails. Knowing the enemy and what they are capable of is the most important thing a soldier has to know in order to stay alive, and I can only imagine how many rookies the Guild has lost because of this. At least I know better than to walk into the unknown headfirst, so long as there isn't something more terrifying and likely to kill me chasing me towards it, that is.
Oh wait, I almost forgot,The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer is handed out to every new recruit regardless of where they are from or the threat they are facing. I almost forgot that abomination was used for anything other than emergency toilet paper. That piece of garbage certainly lives up to its name, right up until things go ploin-shaped and the rookies realize whoever wrote it obviously never had the pleasure of personally fighting the xenos and heretics described within. Maybe the Guild does have a point about not informing their new members about their foes. It's certainly better than outright lying about them.
"So I'll take it that there is no way for Jurgen or I to raise our rank by, say, showing what the both of us are capable of in a nearby practice ground?" I asked Guild Girl, firmly believing that nothing disastrous could come from my innocent attempt at making myself sound more battle-ready, effectively tempting fate as I did so.
"No, I'm sorry, but until you start completing a few quests there's nothing we can do for you." She said. For a moment, I thought that was going to be the last of my business in the Guild Hall and I would finally be free to look for some lodging, or perhaps a nice, quiet place to camp for the night while waiting for Guild Girl to inform me that she had a room available for each of us. Unfortunately, nothing could ever be that easy.
"If you're looking for a chance to test your skills, we'd be more than willing to see what you are capable of, Commissar." A hulking brute of a man said, the blonde Sororitas looking woman at his side looking absolutely eager to pounce on me and my aide as they approached us.
I couldn't very well back out of a potential fight as it would ruin the courageous reputation I was trying to build for myself within the Guild, but fighting a man that was built like a more humanoid looking ogryn and the Emperor-botherer at his side was as equally as unappealing. "And to whom do I owe the honor of meeting?" I asked them in a desperate attempt to stall for time and think of an excuse to not fight them.
"Ah, I knew we were forgetting something. I'm Heavy Warrior." The towering man said, the handle of a massive sword scabbarded on his back standing a foot above his head while the girthy blade poked out from behind his cape, the tip coming to an end just above the top of his boots. How any human could carry around a massive slab of iron like that was beyond me, but just imagining what the inhuman weapon could cleave through made me dread my dwindling odds of coming out from a fight with him alive.
"And I'm Female Knight, this muscle head here is my partner. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Commissar." Female Knight bowed, an act I was incredibly grateful for as it gave me just enough time to hide my bewilderment at her horrible title. Female Knight? What was next? Old Farmer? Cow Girl? Frakking Idiot?
"Please, there's no need for formalities." I told them in an attempt to drive off the crowd that had started to gather at the newest spectacle available to them upon hearing about the potential duel I could be engaging in against my better judgement. "Whatever privileges my title would give me in the Imperium means nothing here, and besides, now that I am technically your junior within the Guild, I believe it should be me showing you some respect."
"Now, as much as I would love to spar with the both of you, I need to find a room for the night so if you'll excuse me, I will be on my way to do just that." I said while masking my fear, hoping I had managed to avoid a pointless battle that could endanger my life should things go as horribly wrong as they typically did.
"Good luck with that, there hasn't been any available space in any of the inns since the Spring Festival yesterday. It will probably be another day or two until either of you can find a room somewhere in Frontier Town." Heavy Warrior said, crushing my hopes of resting in a nice, cozy bed sometime this week.
"Then that's all the more reason I should leave now to find a suitable spot to set up camp for the night." I said, clinging on to the hope I could still avoid a pointlessly dangerous duel.
"Then how about we make things interesting, Commissar?" Female Knight said, a smirk settling across her face that instantly made my palms itch at the very sight of it.
"I'm not sure I understand what you are talking about." I said, hoping that I was wrong about what her likely proposition was going to be.
"How about this?" She said, raising her voice so the growing crowd around us could hear what she had to say. "If you and your… uhm..."
Seeing her fail to find the words to describe Jurgen in the same way that most people did, I decided to save all of us some embarrassment from whatever title she would have given his wretched appearance. "Aide, Gunner Jurgen." I supplied, Female Knight offering me a subtle nod of thanks for helping her avoid an embarrassing gaffe that would have come to haunt her in the future if Jurgen didn't like whatever alternative she would have settled for instead.
"Right, Commissar, if you or your aide can beat either of us in a duel, we will let you take one of our rooms for the night. If one of you loses, then the loser has to tell us a story about one of your adventures, Commissar." She proposed, a series of wagers be made already echoing throughout the Guild Hall. "Does that sound fair?"
"Yes, but what happens if one side loses both duels?" I asked her, already accepting that there was no way of backing out of the coming battle without damaging my reputation and hoping that if the worst did happen, I wouldn't be completely frakked if I survived.
"Then the other two are the winners and they don't have to do anything." Female Knight said.
Deciding that it would be better to get this over with sooner rather than later, I took a moment to calm my frantically beating heart and gave her my answer. "I suppose that since your partner already said that there are no other available rooms anywhere in Frontier Town, I have no choice but to be taking one of yours once I show you what a Hero of the Imperium is capable of!" I declared, cringing internally as the crowd cheered at the entertainment that was going to unfold in front of them soon.
Still, I was not quite done yet. There were a few questions I had about this planet, namely what the weapons and armor were made of and the damage they could cause to the average person, and I had no intention of entering a duel without knowing either of them. There was no way I could ask them such things without sounding brain dead, but there more ways to see what the people of this planet considered normal and highly destructive weaponry without killing one of them. "Before we start, I would like to have a chance to inspect my weapons and test them out on a few practice targets first. My aide and I have seen a lot of combat recently, and we need to make sure our weapons are still functioning properly after everything they have been through." I told the two adventurers before me, casting my gaze towards Guild Girl who offered me a frantic nod before rushing out one of the doors behind her.
I could only assume that meant that she would arrange some targets for Jurgen and I to demonstrate our weaponry against. Only through a show of overwhelming might could I possibly win the bet without having to get my hands dirty, and only The Emperor knew just how frakked I was if I actually needed to fight Heavy Warrior and that massive sword of his or the Adeptus Sororitas look alike. It was with a heavy heart and palms itching more than they had all day that I marched to the back of the Guild Hall along with the rest of the gathered adventurers in preparation for my coming duel. The crowd moved slowly through the lone door to the back of the Guild Hall, giving me plenty of time to eavesdrop on the conversation my opponents were holding with each other.
"Uhh… why did you bet our rooms? You probably could have just asked him for a duel if you wanted to fight him so badly." I heard Heavy Warrior whisper to me from somewhere in the sea of bodies behind me.
"I figured that it might be fun to fight this so-called hero that managed to get Spearman worked up like a spoiled child." She replied.
"HEY! DON'T THINK THAT I DIDN'T HEAR THA- MMPH?! Mm-mm fm-frrr…" Spearman shouted, no doubt feeling quite sure about himself until someone else, presumably Witch, silenced him once more.
Horus take him, that idiot doesn't even have to be near me to cause me trouble. Maybe I should inform Witch about the way her partner was staring at Guild Girl earlier. I'm sure she would be eager to hear what that idiot is getting up to and I certainly won't mind making his life more difficult than it already is.
"Okay… but what are we going to do if they win?" Heavy Warrior asked, this time with a hushed voice that I had to strain my ears in order to make out.
"Why are you asking? Is there a problem with us sharing a bed together?" Female Knight whispered to her partner, letting out a girlish chuckle that did nothing to hide what exactly she was planning to do if she lost.
Heavy Warrior was smart enough to keep his mouth shut, and I couldn't help but to wish I was him at that moment. Both of us were going to get frakked, but at least he would be able to enjoy himself while it happened.
Author's Corner:
Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM, finally gets the chance to enter a duel alongside his infallible, malodorous aide. How they compare to the adventurers of this world will be revealed after a brief demonstration of their weapons… if their opponents aren't scared off by The Emperor's finest hero and his aide showing off the might of the Imperium.
Now that that's out of the way, I have just one thing to say before moving onto the comments: Holy Frakking Shit, I did not expect this story to get as much support as it did. 100 follows and almost 5k views in under a month. Damn, you guys rock.
VikingZeroOne:This story would inspire me to make something similar for the Goblin Slayer stories. I wonder if there are any TF2 x Goblin Slayer crossovers…
This is one of my ulterior motives for making the stories that I do. After trying (and failing) to find books or fan fictions of stuff that interests me, I make my own and have a blast writing it and seeing others enjoy it. If that leads to other people making other awesome stories as well, then I will be overjoyed to read them once I find them.
Strong-Bot: I'll admit I don't know much about ciaphas cain or if he's dealt with Eldar before, but I think it'd be fairly obvious that they aren't the same as elfs in Goblin Slayer.
One of the many footnotes in the Ciaphas Cain series notes that his interactions with the Eldar as a whole were limited, so much so that he never did learn that there was a difference between the two (three if you include the Harlequins) distinct factions.
It would be a shame if a misunderstanding were to happen…
EvoWizard25: (I got lazy again and didn't type the full comment.¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
1: I also find that abhumans are so rarely used in stories despite how intriguing their existence would be and how easily an imperial citizen would mistake other races as them.
2: You can easily see how much respect a person holds someone else based on what name they use when referring to them, whether it's formal for the sake of maintaining appearances or casual out of genuine respect or familiarity.
3: I will not say anything certain about Cain's future aside from how his luck is not running out anytime soon.
Ah well, that's it for me you beautiful people. I can't wait to see you around in the next chapter and see what you all have to say about the story so far.