The Family We Choose: A SHIELD Codex

Out on the edge, you can see all kinds of things you can't see from the center ~ Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut

. . .

1. Connecting Flights

. . .

Loki sat on the comfortable old green couch that took up most of what passed, in the tight halls of the facility's on-site residences, for a living room. He was resolutely not reading the paperback held aloft in one pale hand. Instead he flicked a glance at the silent laptop that sat on his workdesk, mostly as some mindless reflex, and left his other hand on the scruff of a half-asleep flerken flopped across the top of the couch. Her claws were dug in hard, enjoying the attention, even if Loki was barely aware he was doing it.

All was in order. His docket was clear, all upcoming general paperwork for his magical division of SHIELD dutifully shoved off onto Agent Peters for the time being, nothing was on fire. Hel, he'd even bothered to formerly notify HR that he was taking time off, which probably gave someone a minor heart attack. If he'd actually done things properly, gods knew what he wasn't telling them. That was fair, he supposed. But for once, his business should not impact theirs.

Loki was not inclined to treat any personal mission of his own as something worth the sensation of anxiety. His matters were typically matters of control, in some shape or form, and anxiety was anathema to his style of planning. A useless, unwelcome obstacle. And yet. And yet, he felt unusually keyed up, mentally ticking the seconds before he'd get up off his arse and head out to his rendezvous points. Playing the routine moments of travel over and over in his head as if it might all go awry the second he strapped his shoes on.

He sensed Phil Coulson's arrival at his door, his instincts prickling and then easing off again just as quickly as he realized who it was. If not yet why. He spoke up before the knock could land. "It's open."

Coulson opened the door a few inches and absurdly stuck his face into the crack, studying Loki's. "Yeah, but are you taking guests?"

Loki furrowed his brow at him, setting the book down. "You bother asking today? How novel. I'll mark it on a calendar, make it a holiday."

"I didn't know if I'd catch you packing your undies." Coulson grinned, successfully earning a roll of the eyes from his friend. He opened the door the rest of the way and stepped in, dropping into the chair in front of the workdesk. "How long before you take off for Asgard?"

"Another two hours," said Loki, suddenly aware of how heavy he sounded.

"Man." Coulson swiveled in the chair, making it squeak. "By this point I'm already sitting in the airport lounge, jiggling my leg and worried I'm going to miss my flight."

That was annoyingly astute of Coulson, in a certain fashion that Loki sometimes found comforting. But facts remained facts, regardless of his anxieties. "I'm not going to miss a flight that's been specifically arranged for me. They will not leave until I board."

Coulson nudged the closed laptop with a finger, picked up a pen. Put it down again. "Never changes the worry. Least, for me." He looked at Loki. "You worried?"

"Why in Hel would I be worried?" said Loki, suddenly aware of how aggravated he sounded.

"I don't know. You sound worried." Coulson stopped futzing with the junk on Loki's desk and folded his hands together on his lap, looking at them next.

Loki resisted the urge to curse at him. "You're digging for reactions."

"And I'm getting them. Damn, I've gotten good at this." Coulson grinned. "Then again, I did learn from the best."

"How strange," grated Loki, "to realize late that I am so fine a teacher." Coulson chuckled at that, still looking at his hands. Loki realized there was a parallel reaction going on here. Coulson was equally anxious as he. About what? He examined the human face, studiously not looking at him now. That deserved a careful probe. "To what do I owe the surprise visit? I don't believe I've missed anything that might set the paper pushers out of joint. For once."

"I know, they're still totally shocked down there. Just wanted to stop by," said Coulson, and it sounded too easy on his lips. A lie, an obvious one, meant to be seen. "Out of Asgard to some transfer point, then to your meet up, right?"

"Yes."

"With Nebula. The blue cyborg lady. Another one of Rocket's weird friends or something." Phil's hands unfolded, going for one of the pens on his desk again. Loki had pocketed this one from a pizza joint in Jersey sometime last year, amused by the logo on the white plastic. Out of This World Pizza, with a little cartoon UFO. He doubted their boast. But it had been decently tasty pizza, and the pen was one of those surprisingly smooth ballpoints that made for fine doodling on the margins of daily reports. "I remember her. Took the business with Thanos pretty hard. Guess I understand why."

"Yes." Loki frowned.

"I'm glad it sounds like she's been doing better since then."

"Dithering isn't your thing, Coulson. Get to it."

A careful, studying glance. Looking out for trouble, or some unwanted reaction. Like a child that suspects a 'no.' Unusual for Phil Coulson. "Not to just invite myself along, but, well… I'd like to come along, Loki."

That got a squint out of Loki, followed by a solid, silent minute of consideration. Not only was this out of absolutely nowhere, but Coulson had been quite busy of late. Distant, away on matters that hadn't come up for discussion the few times they'd crossed paths over a friendly drink in the SHIELD lounge. He spoke carefully, and not with an instant denial. He should, honestly. But there was still the sense that something else was buried here, and he hadn't got to the core of it yet. "This will not be travel for pleasure."

"I know."

"Nor have I hired that mutual deranged friend Rocket for any stage of this dubious adventure. Any upgrades you had in mind to barter for your car will have to wait."

"Yeah, I figured. You're kind of keeping whatever this is about in your back pocket. I can guess around it. Comes back to what we've talked about before." Coulson let that hang, knowing it was enough. Thanos's generals, his 'Children,' were up to something and had been for some time. Loki had admitted to that a year ago, after the one called Ebony Maw had some observational spell of his blocked by Strange, and knowing then it was a matter that would come due unless he began certain countermeasures of his own. Thus, this upcoming meeting with Nebula, another of Thanos's former generals - or, as Loki privately considered them, victims - now working as an intelligence broker.

"Yes." The heaviness returned, carrying with it a warning that Loki suspected real danger in his days to come. "Whatever Nebula has to tell me, I do not expect good news. Coulson-"

"You never ask for help unless it's the absolute last choice you have. I get that. And I'm human, not exactly a player on the big stage." Coulson paused, clearly digging around for his words. "But I still want in on this. I want to be there for you."

Loki looked away, unsettled and not sure why. Whatever he was digging for, it lay deep and close to aching bones.

The pen began to flick around between Coulson's fingers, dancing erratically. "Because you keep trying to deal with this crap alone. And you shouldn't have to. And-"

"What aren't you telling me, Phil?" Loki's interruption was all the more pointed because it was, for once, both quiet and deliberately human.

The pen twiddled, shivering between the fingers like the tail of a dog, then went down again next to the laptop. "Mack's going to take the director's chair next year. I want Daisy in that seat, but she's not ready for it. Maybe another few years."

Loki shook his head, unconvinced by the dodge. "I know all of that. I know you detest the strictures of the office, that you feel tied to this place and kept distant from the truth and dirt of our real duties. Jumping into space with me is a bit strong of an antidote, in my opinion."

"It's not just that." Coulson inhaled, then dropped what he was holding on to. "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in the field. And I want to get back to it, in it, while I can."

Loki opened his mouth, ready to argue that the human was years from any retirement age, still young enough for their kind, but realized there was another tone under the voice. Something rough, like a struggle. He knew that sound well. He sat silent instead, Frej lifting her head up to peer at the two of them as the petting stopped. She slipped down from underneath Loki's hand and pulled herself up onto his knee to loaf there instead, purring softly.

"I'm on the edge of no longer passing my routine med screens, Loki. Really, I think they'd pull me out of my spot right now if they could, if I didn't already have a succession plan set up. Even Talbot's staying off my ass for now, probably because he thinks there'd be a mutiny if he pulls the bus over without my say so. I like to think he's wrong, but I don't know. I do think it'll be better if we do this my way, though. And I think the brass agree, at least as far as that goes."

Loki still said nothing, uncomfortably aware of a tight, cold ball forming in the pit of his stomach.

"It's… I don't know what it is. Degenerating tissue, neurological disorder blah blah, bunch of weird Latin crap. Simmons could probably explain it, but I haven't brought her into the loop yet." Coulson shrugged. "I've got time. A good amount, if I settle for a retirement of bad golf and reading crappy thrillers, and I'm not going to put more risks on SHIELD than what we've already faced. I'm on the way out, as an agent. I'm done as a boss, and I'll still probably get fairly old. But while I've still got my badge, I want to get a few things done with it."

Loki resumed petting the flerken, his voice modulated to mimic perfect normalcy. Frej's ears went back, knowing what he really felt, and she dug into his knee with her claws, trying to distract him from himself. He didn't feel it. His voice remained chilled. "Is it because of what I did to you?"

Coulson shook his head, sharp. "That doesn't matter."

"I killed you. You then lived on, despite my best work at the time. But now the bill's coming due, isn't it?" Still perfectly, coldly, antiseptically normal. Under it was something much, much different. "My blade still left its scar on you, and it's working its way deeper in at last."

Phil leaned towards Loki, waiting until that hard, grey-green gaze flickered unwillingly to his. "Listen to me. This is no longer yours to carry around. I'm saying that, hopefully for one of the last times. Who you were then, that's old news. I know you'll never let it go, and I get that. We can't change what you did, or what it caused for all of us. But. The person you are today is my friend. You have been, for years, and I've gotten a lot of bonus time out of the circumstances. And while I have it, I want to use it.

"What you're going out there for today? This is part of the same thing we faced years ago, out at Sanctuary. All the crap from our pasts, coming due, getting wiped off the table. This is what we help each other for, to clear the ledger, so we can keep going towards something better. I want in. Maybe I'm not gonna be a big help on the front lines, but it still means you've got someone at your back that you know you can trust. No matter what. And I know for you, that's a big deal. It's something you never knew you could have. Deal with it."

Loki dropped his gaze and resumed petting Frej, who let go of his knee, her catty face turning squinty and calm again. He wasn't completely mollified, and the guilt still cut, but the honesty in Coulson's voice at least bade him consider.

"Daisy wants to come along, too."

Loki abruptly threw his head back with a rough, startled laugh, not expecting the extra turn. Frej nearly leapt off his leg, her claws latching in harder yet. "Bring a whole ruddy party along, why don't we!"

"Hey, she made a good argument to me when she figured out I was gonna ask to tag on. She's been out there in it with you, recently even. She knows what it's like. And she's at least got powers." A wry smile. "And good aim."

The long-suffering sigh told Coulson he was getting somewhere. "I don't know where this journey ends, yet, Coulson. I've an idea of Nebula's information, but not the details, nor what I'm to do about it. I have no guarantees, and I don't know what else we may encounter along the way."

"We, huh?" It sounded victorious.

"Coulson," Loki shook his head, realizing he had indeed allowed a mistake to pass his lips. "This fucking planet."

"Yeah, you love it. Or you wouldn't be doing any of this."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Did you pack a bag before you came down to pester me?"

"Kinda did."

"Then go get it. And may as well text Daisy on the way. You, specifically. If I must do it, I may scream. Ruddy humans, good gods, pains in my arse, all of you."

"I'd hug you if you wouldn't chuck me through the door."

Loki rose, brushing cat hair off his knee. "I can see the future, Coulson. You're going to taunt me with your feeble state and use it to try and get away with even more harassment."

"I totally am." Coulson grinned up at him. "Never waste a good sob story, Loki."

"Tell me that." Loki opened the door for Coulson, showing him back out. "Learned that one from my mother ages ago. Come on, then. Quit jiggling legs, we may as well grab an early Asgardian lunch if we're going to be festive about this. Meet me in the exit bay."