How Many Times Do I Have To Say It? Don't Eat Food If it Looks Like it's Been Cremated.

It was raining heavily in Kabukicho that evening and it was dull and grey out. Kagura and Shinpachi were lazing in the living room at Yorozuya staring at the television, sitting around a ridiculously large bowl of popcorn when Gintoki suddenly stumbled through the front door, soaking wet from the rain and dripping water all over the floor. He was carrying an ill looking Tsukuyo in his arms. Her head was resting on his shoulder, her legs slung over his elbow and she was shaking. She was bundled in his yukata as he'd tried to keep her dry on the way home but the rain had gotten through the thin fabric easily.

The noise of him fumbling through into the building startled Kagura and Shinpachi and they scrambled through into the foyer.

"Gin-san! What happened?" Shinpachi asked, looking concerned.

"What's wrong with Tsukki?" Kagura cried.

"Is Tsukuyo-san hurt?"

"Worse. She ate your sister's damn cooking," the samurai grumbled, glancing at Shinpachi.

"Eh? Why would she do that?!" Shinpachi exclaimed, horrified.

"D...didn't wanna be rude," Tsukuyo answered, weakly.

"Idiot," Gintoki grumbled. He sat her down against the wall and pulled off her boots and then his own. He tossed aside his soaked yukata and picked her up again. "Well, you only had a few bites so maybe it'll be over by tomorrow. But it's not gonna be fun. You've never had food poisoning before, right?"

"Nuh," she grumbled, raising a hand to her mouth. "Feel s'ck..." she said.

"M'not surprised," Gintoki replied. "Getting food poising from whatever she's burned is waaaaay worse than normal food poisoning," he said and walked through into the main room. "We gotta get you dry unless you want a cold as well," he told her, carrying her into the bathroom.

"Urgh...not really," she grumbled.

After he'd quickly gotten her dry and changed into a pair of her pink pyjamas, he sat them both back on the sofa again and wrapped a blanket around her, pulling her to lean against him.

"Can't I jus' g'to bed?" she mumbled.

"You'll feel better sitting up, trust me. Besides, you're not gonna get any sleep feeling like this anyway," Gintoki answered.

"Aniue's fried eggs strike again," Shinpachi sighed. "I'm so sorry, Tsukuyo-san, I really am," he gave a hearty bow.

"Oi, don't apologise," Gintoki pointed at him and then turned to Tsukuyo. "I told her not to eat anything. Didn't I tell you not to eat anything, huh?" he said to her.

"Uh-huh..." she nodded.

"And what'd you do, huh? You ate something. And not just some something! You ate the fried egg from hell! I wasn't just talking outta my foot, y'know?"

"Can you do that?" Kagura muttered, raising her foot to look at it while she balanced precariously on the other.

"Course you can," he answered, dismissively. "Go get the bucket. She's gonna need it," he told the girl.

"One puke bucket coming up, sir, uh-huh!" she gave a mock salute and ran off.

"Can leave me...in t'bathroom...I'll stay outta the way..." Tsukuyo said, "Don't wanna be...a bother...an' s' gross..."

"We've seen worse," Gintoki replied.

"A family that throws up together, stays together," Kagura said returning with a bucket that had a label, stuck on it. It read, 'puke bucket' in large, bold letters. "Well, that's what Gin-chan says. Right, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked, smiling.

"Right," he nodded.

"Urgh..." Tsukuyo exhaled, leaning her head back.

"Won't eat her cooking in a hurry again will you," Gintoki mumbled.

"Noooooo..."

"Idiot," he muttered with his hand resting on the top of her head, smoothing down her hair which he'd mostly dried earlier.

"How can an egg b'this...bad..." she lamented. She lifted her knees up onto the sofa and curled up at Gintoki's side.

"It's her special talent," Shinpachi sighed, "Ruining food...it's a wonder I didn't starve to death."

"Or die of food poisoning," Kagura added.

"Eh? Ya can die o' food poisonin'?" Tsukuyo asked, opening her eyes and staring at them, frantically. "Really?!" she asked, startled.

"No," Gintoki snapped and glared at Kagura and Shinpachi. "You two, shut it," he mumbled. Kagura just grinned but Shinpachi at least had the decency to look apologetic.

"Urgh...this is 'orrible..." she whined pitifully with a hand over her mouth.

"If you're gonna puke, it's better out than in," Gintoki said, putting an arm around her. "You'll probably be alright by tomorrow," he added.

"We usually are whenever we eat anego's cooking, uh-huh," Kagura told her, leaving out that fact that they also occasionally ended up with diarrhoea.

"Jus' kill me now..." the blonde mumbled. "Gettin' stabbed or beat up isn't as bad as this," she said.

"Should've thought about that before you ate that s***," Gintoki sighed.

"Urgh.." she grumbled again. After another quiet sounding hiccup, she leapt forwards, grabbed the bucket and threw up, heaving into the bucket. Then she put back onto the floor and lay back again. "S' gross," she mumbled.

"Kagura, go empty the bucket," Gintoki said, quietly.

"Why me?"

"You were sick so much last time and we all had to clean up after you, so now it's your turn," he told the young girl. He clearly wasn't going to move from his spot on the sofa beside Tsukuyo.

"Oh, right," she nodded and did as she was told.

Shinpachi went into the kitchen for a moment and returned with a hot water bottle and a glass of water then handed them to Tsukuyo. "This always helps," he said, sympathetically and she nodded weakly. Feeling too weak to even move, she reached out a shaky hand with a lot of effort and took the hot water bottle. Her hand dropped almost instantly but Gintoki reached out and caught it before she could drop the hot water bottle. Then he rested it against her stomach gently and she gave a quiet sigh of relief. Gintoki took the glass of water and helped her to drink it.

"Urgh...s' nasty," she mumbled again.

"Yeah," he agreed.

After a moment, he turned towards the tv. "Which episode is this?" Gintoki asked, glancing over at the tv which had been left on from when from Kagura and Shinpachi had been watching it.

"Episode eight, uh-huh," Kagura said. "We're watching all of them from the start. All of them. We got popcorn!" she had holding up a ridiculously large bowl which was half filled with popcorn.

"Gimme," the silver haired samurai said, holding out an eager, childish hand.

"Don't wanna," Kagura shook her head.

"Don't be stingy," he scolded.

"But it's mine!" she yelled, hugging the bowl between her arms.

"Oi, learn to share you greedy kid. Whatever's in this house is shared. Haven't you learned that by now? A quarter of it's mine."

"Why a quarter! That's too much!" Kagura exclaimed, horrified.

"'Cause there's four of us, duh," Gintoki replied, "You, me, Patsuan and Tsukki. Can't you count?"

"What about Sadaharu?" Kagura asked, pointing at the large, sleeping dog in the corner of the room.

"Fine, then a fifth of it is mine, so hand it over."

"I don't think dogs should eat popcorn," Shinpachi said, dryly.

"He eats everything else," Gintoki shrugged.

Kagura reluctantly and very slowly, handed the bowl over to Gintoki who took a handful of popcorn then gave it back. "Your share'll have to wait, honey," he mumbled to Tsukuyo, "Food won't help you right now."

"Urgh...don't want it. Not hungry," she grumbled back.

"Then I can have it, I'm a growing girl. I need it," Kagura beamed, happily.

"You eat all that popcorn and you'll grow all the wrong way. You'll just get a huuuuge belly and fall through the floor again," Gintoki drawled.

"It'll be fine, I didn't have dinner today so this is my dinner, uh-huh."

"Popcorn isn't dinner, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi told her.

"Yes, it is," she said, confidently and shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

"No, it isn't," Gintoki rolled his eyes. "Go get some rice or something. I'll finish the popcorn," he added.

"NU-HUH!" she yelled, loudly.

"Uuurgh..." Tsukuyo mumbled, tucking her head into his neck. "Please...quiet..." she mumbled.

"Tsukki! Are you gonna puke on Gin-chan?!"

"Oi, don't puke on me!" Gintoki said, horrified, "Puke in the bucket! That's why we have it!"

"I ain't gonna puke," Tsukuyo mumbled.

"Sure about that? You look kinda green," he said, looking at her.

"I feel 'orrible..."

"Not surprised," he muttered, rubbing a soothing hand down her back.

"Popcorn will help," Kagura said, optimistically.

"No, it won't. Don't listen to her, she's crazy," Gintoki whispered to Tsukuyo. "Now gimme that damn popcorn and go get some actual food," he grumbled to Kagura.

The next morning, Tsukuyo woke up on the sofa with stiff arms and legs but she was relieved that she didn't actually feel sick anymore.

"Huh..." she blinked and looked around the room. Shinpachi was asleep on the floor and Kagura was slouched over the other sofa, inelegantly as she slept. The tv was turned off and the bowl of popcorn was empty.

"W's matter?" Gintoki mumbled. He grimaced and cracked his neck, moving it gently from side to side. "Ah damn...I gotta stop falling asleep on this thing..." he hissed at the pain in his neck from having slept at such an odd angle.

He was lying next to her on the edge of the sofa, stopping her from falling off onto the floor and she tossed aside the hot water bottle which had long since gone cold. "What's up? You gonna puke again?" he asked, looking at her. She looked a little edgy and he couldn't help but notice.

"No...I'm fine. I just...had a weird dream," Tsukuyo answered.

"But you feel better, right?" he asked.

"Mmmm," she nodded.

"Good," he said, still twisting his neck lightly and grimacing when his muscles protested. "Damn cheap sofa..." he grumbled, quietly.

"I'm never gonna eat burned food again...never..." Tsukuyo shook her head.

"It's not burned food that's the problem, it's the gorilla lady's cooking. Everything she cooks she just turns into the world's worst poison," Gintoki replied.

"Gave me weird dreams too," she mused. "Do ya normally get weird dreams when ya have food poisoning?"

"Huh? No, not really. Err...actually never. How weird are we talking? Like on a scale of one to ten?

"...Err..." she blushed.

"Was it a sexy dream?" he asked, optimistically.

"No," she snorted.

"Damn," he lamented, "So what was it? Why was it weird?"

"Err...it was kinda dumb...I err...mean, I don't remember, err..."

"You're the world's worst liar. Just tell me."

"Promise not to laugh," she said, staring at him.

"Samurai's honour," Gintoki replied, solemnly with his hand over his heart.

"Err...well...I was kinda...being chased..." she mumbled with a blush.

"By what?"

"Erm...by..." she said something, mumbling so quietly he couldn't even hear her.

"Eh? A what?" he furrowed his brow, "Didn't hear you."

"A...it was...it was a bunch of giant...burned..."

"Yeah?"

"Fried eggs..." Tsukuyo finally said, blushing and looking away from him. "I was bein' chased all around Yoshiwara by a bunch of giant, burned fried eggs," she reiterated.

He stared at her for a second before he bit his lip and covered his mouth, trying not to laugh. He lasted about ten seconds before he burst out laughing.

"It's not funny!" Tsukuyo glared at him, embarrassed.

"It's totally funny," he insisted, still chortling. "How was it attacking you? Did it have little arms and legs?" he asked and she pursed her lip. "Did it talk? Did it say 'hello, my name is Mickey?' Oh...was it a giant, burned fried egg throwing little burned, fried eggs at you?" he laughed.

"It was creepy!" she exclaimed, defensively. "And ya promised not to laugh!" she said, blushing.

"Well, I did say 'samurai's honour' but I was never a very good samurai," he shrugged. "Just ask Zura. I always fell asleep in class and I failed every pop quiz sensei ever gave us about Bushido or whatever," he said.

"Che," she scoffed.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" he asked after a moment, after he'd managed to stop laughing.

"I'm kinda hungry," she admitted, "But I feel fine."

"Well, you puked half your guts up last night. You're gonna be hungry after that," he said.

"Ew," she grimaced.

"Well, you did."

"And it was gross."

"Everyone hates being sick," he shrugged. He stretched his arms about his head and listened with a wince as he heard quiet cracking sounds from his arms. "That's it, no more sleeping on the sofa," he grumbled.

"Sorry," Tsukuyo said, embarrassed. "Never been that sick b'fore. Ya didn't have to stay 'ere, y'know. Ya could've slept in the futon," she said.

"Yeah, well, I didn't," he shrugged again. "Least you weren't sick again," he added.

"Yeah," she agreed, quietly.

"Wonder if we've got any food left for breakfast," he remarked and held out a hand to her. She took it and he gently pulled her to her feet in front of him.

"No more burned, fried eggs?" she mocked, looking up at him.

"Hell, no," he shook his head. Still holding her hand, he led them through into the kitchen.