Chapter Nine — Essence
Story Summary: Both of them still affected by the war, Harry and Luna decide to escape Wizarding Britain and to travel around the world for a year, in which they find out more about themselves and the world around them.
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Serpentine Advice: If you enjoy this story, please consider reading my main story, Serpentine Advice, which covers a Harry Potter discovering and learning from a portrait of Salazar Slytherin in the Chamber of Secrets.
"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
The aftermath of that night was strange, in a way that did not customarily fit either of the odd pair of Harry and Luna. The war had affected them both differently, but one thing that unified them was a permanent awareness of themselves. It was a necessity, even in the flights of impulsive curiosity taken by Luna, to be aware of their surroundings and their place in the world. Violence had taken away the possibility of complete carelessness from both, and though some vestiges of lightness and relaxation remained, they were that. Vestiges only, intermittently accessible in the exceptional moments they lived as travelers in a vast world.
And yet, Harry couldn't remember the previous night. To say that he had forgotten what had happened would be a lie; he could sparsely think of anything else. But taken by kisses and caresses, by warmth and affection, he had clocked out of the constant vigilance of his surroundings. He couldn't recall the passing of time or the presence of anxiety and fear. He had gone through a solar eclipse, Luna and her namesake dominating everything else to share a moment between only themselves, all of it thrown into the background.
For Luna, the experience was similar. Where Harry found himself astounded and amazed by it, she was full of energy and lightness. The tension had been bearing down on her since Paris. Much more in tune with her emotions than Harry was, she knew that he was stirring some depth of feeling within her. But what exactly it represented was hard to translate at those moments. Taking the plunge was something she would not be willing to do in retrospect, Harry's friendship being far too important to risk away, but the instant their lips met, it had all clicked.
Luna was not all-knowing. She wouldn't want to be. A life with all the burdens of knowledge, and none of the joy of curiosity, would be hellish for her. She sometimes thought that she had acquired that reputation throughout the war because she often came across truths that did not want to be assigned to the clarity of words and phrases.
"Animals don't like being kept in boxes," she had once told Hermione. "Why would things like it?"
That thing she felt with Harry, that spark, that easiness she could not and would not name, was firmly in that category. She did not know how to describe it, but she was aware of its presence at all times and craved for more.
The transition from kissing to sleeping was hazy, consumed by the tender heat that had warmed them both through the night. They slept entangled in one another, holding one another close in a mixture of limbs that made little sense.
It came as a surprise to Harry when that tenderness was cut off in the early morning, as Luna pried herself free from their entanglement with a feathery touch. He was about to protest when he noticed that she was sitting by the bedside, gently stroking his hair with a soft smile and laughing eyes, humming something under her breath. He couldn't resist the sight and fell asleep again soon after.
When he woke up again, Luna was reading the book he had bought her, taking notes.
"Hello, Harry," she greeted him with a warm smile. She was munching on a banana and pointed it at him. "Would you like one? They're quite magical as breakfast, very good for you."
"Magical bananas?" He asked blearily, his mind still not at full speed.
"Oh yes," she nodded enthusiastically. "Do you want to see them?"
Harry nodded, still confused. With a mischievous smile and a few waves of her wand, a small fruit-sized cloak wrapped itself around the banana, as well as a tiny hat. It moves around in circles, the banana flying through the air with its magical cloak billowing on the wind, the hat struggling against it to stay still. Finally, with a final half-turn, all those effects were dispelled, and the banana fell gently into Harry's open palm.
Caught between speechlessness and sleepiness, Harry gawked at it for a few seconds in absolute confusion before dumbly exclaiming.
"Is it... is it magical?"
Luna broke down in laughter, hugging her sides as her entire body shook in ecstasy. She tried to say something, but her peals of laughter cut off her words. Harry couldn't help but laugh too, the sound of her joy contagious to him.
"You should have seen your face," she said, wiping a mirthful tear from her eyes. "No, the banana isn't magical. It's just a banana."
"Why did you have a banana with you, anyway?" He asked, peeling it off.
"I woke up a bit early to see the market outside," she revealed. "I didn't want to wake you up. You were too peaceful."
"Anything interesting?"
"All sorts of things," she said, "but I want you to see them yourself. I bought a few things too," as though she was remembering it as an afterthought, she turned around quickly to grab a piece of paper from the desk, "I made a sketch."
Luna sounded nervous about it, something that rarely happened when she talked about art. Harry grabbed it, expecting to see a handwritten drawing of the market street outside. Instead, it depicted him, sleeping alone on the bed, clutching the blanket which had covered them both, expression relaxed and carefree.
"I don't think I've seen you that peaceful ever," Luna said in a shy, nervous voice. "When we met, you had the burden of a school on your back, and then there was the war." Her eyes lost focus, darkening as she fell into memories she rarely accessed voluntarily. "And even after it ended, there was everything else that came with it. Seeing you so peaceful made me happy. I could have taken a picture, but that felt so impersonal. I don't think it would give the moment its justice."
Harry looked at her and then back at the drawing. "This is amazing, Luna," he said in honest admiration. "This is different from most things you do, though."
"You're different than most things I draw," she said in a resolute voice. "I draw and paint fantastical things because they interest me. You don't need any additions to be fascinating."
Harry felt his face burn at the compliment, coughing to clear his throat and break the tension. But Luna didn't oblige, continuing to evaluate him as a valuable treasure, grey-silvery eyes bright with fierce passion. It felt remarkably like being under the watchful way of Raphaël in Paris, but his proximity to Luna, and the events of the previous night, made the experience far more intense.
"Thank you," he said meekly. "It means a lot, coming from you."
She smiled in return, one of her usual unpretentious wide beams. With that, tranquility and ease were restored between them, though Harry was not unsure if he didn't prefer that mysterious, fiery gaze instead.
"What did you buy, anyway?"
"Camping equipment."
"Are we going camping?" He asked, amused by the excitement in her voice.
"I would like to," she smiled a bit sheepishly. "We don't have to do that today, but I saw it on sale and decided to buy it."
"That's fine," he said. "I'd like to make good memories from camping, for once," his voice thickened with the grief of bad days and grave mistakes.
"Then we'll go today," Luna said with an understanding smile. He nodded in compliance, still a bit lost in contemplation. To draw him away from it, she continued. "What do you think about going to one of the places we've sent the animals to?"
"That sounds great," he agreed. She smiled widely in relief.
"I'm excited to see if I can find them."
Harry looked at her, recognizing some anxiety in her voice. With an examining eye, he posited. "Are you concerned that something bad happened to them?"
She flinched a bit before grinning. "I can't hide many things from you, can I? I am a bit worried, yes."
"I'm sure they'll be fine, Luna. They were captured, not bred in captivity, right?"
"I know, but I'd like to see them for myself. I got some fruit for them if they have been struggling with finding things to eat."
Amused and enchanted by her kindness, he couldn't help but ask. "How will you know which animals you released, though?"
Luna seemed confused by the question. "The same way I can tell people apart. They all have differences; I just look for those."
He appreciated her simplicity, and though he believed that Luna would be able to find the small things that set one bird apart from the next one, he didn't think anyone else he knew would be able to do the same, except for Hagrid.
"Well, we've been wanting to explore a bit more of the countryside, right? Might as well go today," he said. Luna grinned happily, looking up at the ceiling with wandering eyes. She took the same airs that she did when about to say something noteworthy in its insight and wisdom. So Harry was surprised when her words were straightforward.
"I hope they're happy."
He stared at her for a few moments in surprise before realizing that she had been wise, as simple as the sentiment was. It was honest and kind, both things that Luna had more than anyone he knew. Some things didn't need to be deep to be wise, he reckoned.
"They're free. Even if things aren't perfect for them, they have that. Freedom is good enough for both them and us."
It was Luna's turn to analyze him before asking. "Are you happy, Harry?"
"I am," he said earnestly. "I think there's still a way to go yet before I'm well, but I'm happy."
"We'll get there," she reassured them, taking a few steps forward to take hold of one of Harry's hands and squeezing it gently. The touch was light and quick, but again that tension returned, electrifying Harry. He thought he saw Luna affected as well, her pupils dilating slightly, her skin reddening, her breath catching a tad, but she spun around so quickly that it might have been his head playing tricks on him.
But the lingering effect of that touch stayed with him, and the effect of what had happened last night did too. He wanted to ask Luna what had happened, why it had happened, what would change. He didn't want to leave questions hanging above their heads; he wanted to know where they were with one another.
"Luna?" He called out. She turned back, her face and smile as serene as ever. Some uncertainty felled his heart at her lack of reaction, and he began to wonder. Maybe she didn't feel the same way he did? Maybe the tension was all in his head, and Luna was the same as ever. He tried to ask, but the words kept getting stuck in his throat. "The drawing. Can I keep it?"
"Of course," she said with a wide happy smile. "But I would like to draw you again one day, for me."
"I'd like to draw you, but I'm pants at it," he lamented.
"You don't have to be good to draw well," she shook her head, "you need to do it with feeling. The technique is only important for museums. I prefer seeing an honest and creative drawing made by an amateur rather than a professional artist doing something cold and precise. And you've always been creative and honest, so I'd love to see your drawings."
"I don't know," he hesitated. "Maybe?"
"You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Just don't do it for fear of being bad. It's fun, doing something without worrying about it. Dancing is a lot better when you just do it instead of thinking about it."
"Maybe one day."
She nodded, leaving him to his thoughts. He hid the turbulence going on inside him, though he still wondered, and he still feared.
They prepared themselves to leave very quickly. "Everything we'll need to spend a night is already on the bags I bought," Luna said. Before she could do some final preparations, she halted midstep and turned around with a distressed face. "Nevermind. We should stay in Amsterdam for today. We can go tomorrow, take a train and get to know a bit more of the country."
"Why the change of heart?" Harry asked, confused.
"It's nothing," she said with a faltering smile. Harry had seen that before, and that concern was something that Luna never showed towards herself.
"Why are you worried about me?"
Unwilling to continue to hide it, she spoke. "I was worried about the portkey we would take."
"I can take portkeys," he said. Luna looked skeptically at him. "I took one to go to Paris."
"And you were very jumpy and nervous. I know you're not apparating yet," she said. "We can take the train tomorrow, or a bus. The birds will be fine."
"But you were worried about them."
"You're more important to me," she said firmly. Harry felt that tension rise again, something in her caring stubbornness stirring him. He shook the feeling away, ignoring his racing heart.
"I can take portkey travel."
"Harry—"
"I mean it," he interrupted her. "You'll be there. I can count on you, so I won't worry."
She blinked slowly at him before turning away again. "I-I'll go grab a few things before we go, then."
That stammer caught his attention, making him both hope and dread in speculation about its meaning. But the secret remained buried, and they were leaving a few minutes later. Harry trusted Luna's call about what they would need to take, even if he half-expected her to earnestly believe that they wouldn't need something incredibly important.
"I got more magical bananas," she teased him, holding up a bunch of the fruits, all dressed up in cloaks like the one she had conjured for that first one. "To keep your energy up."
"Very funny," he deadpanned.
"I know! I gave them all some little hats!" She said excitedly before frowning pensively. "Can you weave a hat from banana leaves?"
Harry laughed, knowing that Kingsley was about to find out. "Doesn't that tire you out, by the way?"
"It's worth it," she shrugged, dismissing the little cloaks and accompanying hats with a dismissive wave of her wand.
Each of them carrying their extended bags on their shoulders, they grabbed a portkey shaped like a bottle and were whisked away.
They arrived in the middle of some vegetation, light filtering through the canopy of the trees above them. The smell of nature was fresh and inviting, sounds of birds known and unknown to Harry gently floating as they flew above them. A layer of morning mist was rolling out, giving their destination an ethereal, dream-like feel that made it seem like they were floating. Just to be safe, Harry anchored his step firmly to the ground.
"Luna, I trust your judgment, but you didn't send us anywhere dangerous, did you?"
"They wouldn't sell dangerous animals in a shop in the middle of Amsterdam, Harry," she pointed out. Her expression closed off as she continued. "Dangerous animals don't make money like that."
"Well, but dangerous animals eat non-dangerous animals," he said.
"I suppose they do, but some of them are vegetarian," she corrected him.
"I'll remember to transfigure a rock into a head of lettuce if we face danger."
"Make it a carrot."
"Why a carrot?"
"Bunnies are deadly animals," she said, her face set in stone. Harry frowned in bafflement for a moment before something tickled his memory, and he rolled his eyes.
"Really? Still with the Monty Python movie?"
"I warned you," she said, imitating the tone of the movie as best she could, which was not very good. It sounded closer to McGonagall's voice, and that comparison made Harry crack up, Luna letting herself go to laughter as well.
"Can I use one of your bananas instead, in case of a killer bunny attack?"
"The bananas are just for you, I'm afraid," she said with fake mournfulness. "But they're magical; maybe they'll cast a spell to protect you."
"You won't be laughing when the bunny attacks me."
"I'll defend you," she reassured him, patting his head condescendingly. Again, her touch, even playful, made lightning pass through his body, and he sought to change the subject, or it would consume him further. Even then, he didn't forget it completely.
"Where are we, anyway?"
"A national park near the German border. It's called Veluwe. I think it's the largest one in the country."
"Wait, but is it a magical national park, or just a normal one?" He looked around, confused. It was beautiful but also mundane, with no discerning magical features, none of its frenetic quirkiness.
"Can't magical things be normal?" Luna asked, blinking slowly at him. She shook her head, dismissing the question, before answering. "It's not exclusively magical. There's just a magical part to it. It's common to hide magical environments inside Muggle ones whenever possible. Hogwarts is about the only large exclusively magical forest I can think of in Europe."
Harry hummed. "So, what do we do now? I only camped out in the Forest of Dean."
"Well, we can find a clearing and set up the camp. I can chart our way back with a ball of yarn, like in Paris."
"Not a campfire?"
"Setting an unattended fire in a forest seems unwise, Harry," she said calmly. "And it might scare off the animals we're trying to find. We'll do that at night."
"Right," he mumbled, a bit embarrassed. "That makes sense. What are we looking for, anyway?"
"Birds," she summarized. Harry looked questioningly at her, and she smiled knowingly. "You wouldn't know them, I think."
"You know I wouldn't."
"I'll tell you all about them when we find one of them," she promised.
They found their clearing after a few minutes of exploration. It was small but on a gentle slope, easy to see from a distance.
"We can set everything here and then walk around for a while, see if we find anything interesting," Luna proposed. He nodded, taking the backpack from his shoulder and popping it open.
Everything inside there was new, including some boots and spare clothes, as well as a canister of water and other things for day-to-day maintenance. Harry wondered if this entire trip wasn't Luna finding a way to buy him some compensatory gifts for that book he had bought for her.
"She would do that," he mumbled to himself, half-amused and half-exasperated.
Then he found something that made him a bit confused. He checked it again, and it was what he thought it was. One tent, for one person. He looked over his shoulder, seeing that Luna was taking another tent for herself from her bag.
It was a silly thing, he recognized immediately, to feel so disheartened by it. They had shared one night on the same bed, and he had no right to expect that it would continue. If Luna had asked him about it before buying the tents, he would have no issue taking a pair, one for each. But something about the decision being one-sided made his heart sink. It felt like Luna was telling him something. In that fear of the questions surrounding them, he had found a possible answer, and he did not like it.
Then she turned to him with a bright smile, and confusion set over him again. What was going on? What had been going on since the previous night? He shook himself with difficulty and set up his tent.
"Let's go?" She asked. He nodded, and they went.
The forest was beautiful. It was a calm place, with none of the danger of the Forbidden Forest, and none of the manufactured magnificence of Paris and Amsterdam. It was natural, effortless in a way that humans, be by humans or wizards, rarely manage to parallel. It reminded Harry of Luna, in a way, though he couldn't know if that was a reasonable comparison.
Everything was Luna to him at that point. It was a mirror image of the previous night, where she had eclipsed everything around her. Here, she did that again, but instead of wonder and amazement, he felt trapped. He couldn't relax, couldn't appreciate their surroundings, couldn't think. He was afraid, a fear he had not known before, different from the life-threatening sort he was accustomed to. A gust of wind would meet them and draw Luna's sweet smell to him. A bird would chirp joyfully, and she would turn to the bird with a satisfied smile that made him wish he could grow feathers and a beak. The sunlight reflected on her hair, attracting his gaze constantly. She would point at an animal passing ahead of them and start telling Harry about them and how they had a symbiotic relationship with deer, and he would space out, looking at her lips.
It was ridiculous. Patently ridiculous, and Harry felt ridiculous for feeling that way. He hadn't acted like that around Cho, or around Ginny, or anyone else. Harry felt he was acting as ridiculously as Ron had when he ate that love potion those years back. But he couldn't help it. It wasn't that Harry was unable to function from infatuation; it was fear. Fear of losing something that he had only tasted briefly and found to his liking.
Exasperation reaching a high point, Harry took a forward step and touched Luna in the arm, turning her body to face his own briskly. Her reaction was instant, her eyes widening, her mouth opening only by a crest, her eyes flickering to his lips before meeting his eyes. Having seen the effects he had been hoping for, Harry sighed and took a step back.
"Luna, what's going on?"
She looked confusedly back at him, still recovering from the turn. "What do you mean? We're looking for the animals we've freed yesterday."
"I meant to ask what's going on between the two of us," he insisted. Luna looked to the ground for a moment before her eyes met his again.
"A few blades of grass and some pretty red flowers," she said, bowing down to pluck one of them away, putting it on her hair. "Nothing exceptional, but quite beautiful."
As much as her answer amused him, Harry was too nervous to humor her evasiveness. He insisted, more strongly that time. "You know what I mean, Luna."
She looked away that time, answering in a weary voice that sent a flicker of panic into his heart. "Yes, I do."
A lengthy silence prevailed before an agonized Harry mustered the courage to ask. "So?"
"I don't know," she admitted with a troubled frown. Harry felt his insides freeze for a second, and he was so stunned that he didn't react for a second. When he did, he turned around, and with a strained voice, said.
"I get it," though he did not. "It's fine," though it was not. "So, let's find those birds?"
"Harry," Luna called out. He didn't hear her, distracted by his gloomy murmuring. She frowned and cried out again. "Harry!"
This time, he stopped, looking at her with as neutral a face as he could muster. Something gave his thoughts away, as Luna seemed surprised for a moment before turning analytical, as though she was reading a book.
"Harry, are you scared?" She asked softly. He looked away, fists clenched and tense shoulders, refusing to address the question. A second later, a tap on his arm turned him around, and a soft kiss welcomed his lips. It was a graze, a barely imperceptible touch, but it melted away his uneasiness like it was a spell. "Why are you scared? You don't have to be scared of anything coming from me."
"I don't understand," he whispered, trying to find an answer in her calm silvery eyes as she stared concerned at him.
"All I told you was that I didn't know what was going on between us, not that there wasn't anything," she said.
"Doesn't that scare you?"
"Why would it?" She asked, wide-eyed, looking tenderly at him. "I trust you not to hurt me."
"I trust you too. It's just..." Harry got stuck in his words, not knowing what to do other than awkwardly scratch his head.
"You're afraid that if we don't define things, we'll lose them?" Luna guessed. Harry sighed and nodded.
She looked downcast. "I have the opposite problem."
"How come?"
"I don't understand things by their definitions," she revealed with a pensive air about her, "I have a feel for them."
"A feel?"
"I can't describe it," she frowned, "but it's how I always know how to deal with an animal. I don't know anything that there is to know about them. I just try to understand their essence," her brow furrowed even deeper as she continued, "that makes me sound like some sort of soothsayer."
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does," she shook her head, still frowning. "It's very frustrating not being able to explain it. I don't like it when that happens."
"You don't have to," Harry tried to appease her.
"Of course I do," she said, resolute. "I will not let you be afraid and hide it from me."
"I wouldn't do that," he protested. Luna silenced him with a keen look that he couldn't meet for long before averting his eyes.
She looked away for a few moments, trying to organize her words. When she did, she started slowly, gaining speed as she went on. "It's always been easier for me to understand abstractions than very precise things. When I need to be precise, I always go from what I know about its concept, and then I reach the conclusion from there. Does that make sense?"
Harry smiled sheepishly and shook his head, making Luna exhale in frustration for a moment. Then she blinked, seemingly surprising herself with a thought, and grinned softly at him.
"I appreciate that you are being honest about it," she said quietly, with that shy smile that made Harry's heart speed up. "This is a good example. I don't know exactly what we are, or what we should be, or what to call it. But you're Harry, and I know that I can trust you. If you need to know the details to feel safer, we can do that," she reassured him, closing the distance between them and hugging him, "but I know where I stand with you."
Harry looked down on her, enveloping his arms around her frame, pushing her closer into him. Understanding her words, he kissed the crown of her head. "I think I'll be fine."
"What about this," Luna said, prying herself free, still unconvinced that Harry would be able to calm himself down without anything being hammered out in stone. A wave of affection hit him once he realized what she was doing, and he couldn't stop smiling. "We can define one thing. You're very special to me, and I think I'm very special to you. We can see the rest off as we go along."
"You are very special to me," he said lovingly.
"Then everything's perfect," she proclaimed. "Except for the lack of the birds. That has been rather disheartening."
"Why don't we go back to the camp? We can look in another direction."
She accepted his suggestion, and they walked back from where they had left their things, hand in hand. A few minutes of tranquil silence transpired before he commented.
"It's weird, hearing how you think about things. You've always been so knowledgeable and wise about things that I just assumed that you think everything down to the last detail. Somehow, the way you do it feels more like you."
"I'm not all that knowledgeable," she denied.
"Luna, you're the most knowledgeable person I know," he said firmly.
"You studied under Dumbledore for years, Harry," she replied. "I'm not that knowledgeable. I'm just open-minded. When you look at the world as a blank canvas instead of labeling everything within sight, you can see far deeper into everything."
He looked at her in sheer admiration for a second before bursting into amused laughter. "You're as wise as ever, Luna."
"What did I just say about me?"
"That you're awesome? Incredibly intelligent? That you have the best attitude to the things that happen around you?"
"Alright, that's enough," she laughed. "I'm just Luna."
"That's what I said," he grinned as she shook her head, failing to conceal a blooming smile.
They reach the clearing. Harry felt much more relaxed now, the anxiety washing away with each step. Still, something must have revealed itself on his face, because she looked at him and then at the tent with confusion that blossomed into enlightenment a moment later.
Pointing to the tent, she asked. "Did you put anything of yours inside?"
"No, not yet."
"Okay, good," stepping forward, she drew out her wand. "I think it'll get cold around here in a moment, so we should get a fire started."
With smooth movements, she made the tent collapse into a ball, collected some loose kindling from the clearing, and threw it all together. Before Harry could make any protest, a short burst of flame came from her wand and lit up the ball, forming a haphazard but clean fireplace.
"Whoa!" He cried out. "Luna!"
"What?" She smiled at him. "I'm cold."
"It's really hot."
"It is a fire, Harry. They have that characteristic."
"Luna, don't do that," he sighed. "You didn't have to burn the thing."
"Arson is a perfectly acceptable response to life's problems," she said with her sunniest smile.
"Still, just because of last night, it's not like..." he trailed off, again stuck with the uncertainty of their situation.
"We won't. Not every night, at least. But I want to, today. I want to see you peaceful like that again," she said tenderly. "And I can't do that with a tent on the way."
"But the fire and the birds?" He said, increasingly incoherent in the face of Luna being herself.
"I told you that you are more important to me," she said, staring him down. Then, she looked at some point in the distance. "And I know that they were all wild animals, and nature can be cruel at times. I could never save all of them, even if I freed them. I can hope, but that's all I can do. We are human, Harry," she sighed. "I think it's fine to be selfish, from time to time."
He nodded, seeing that she was still lost in her thoughts. Whatever conclusion she reached, she kept to herself. She beckoned him closer with a gesture, and he scooted down next to her, sitting on the floor. She laid down her head on his lap, facing him with a serene, tranquil grin.
"We'll be fine," she kept saying to him from time to time, caressing his hair with a gentleness that made it seem like it was him laying down on her lap. Eventually, she fell asleep to the cracking of the fire, and he sat there, thinking about her and how he had felt. The words failed him, but he knew where they stood.
It was an odd feeling, understanding the world in its essence, as Luna did. But Harry liked it well enough.