To all ships - If anyone comes in contact with any Enterprise, you are to sedate them immediately and report to Akashi for transport.
Admiral Graf Spee - Even if you place Styrofoam on the tip of your claws, you are still not allowed to enter the dorms with your rigging on.
Admiral Hipper - Please report yourself to Vestal for study in an effort to un-zombify yourself.
Ajax - Zombie's don't feel pain. That does not mean you can use their heads as doorweights.
Albacore - No, you may not take the oversized volatile launcher as your main arms during next commission. - Especially if you bring oversized chickens as ammo.
Akagi - Stay away from Shōkaku. As much as you're a bane to our race's existence, I still need you alive. At least until either Roon or Taihō have finally killed each other.
Akashi - When you finally figure out which Enterprise is the real Enterprise 1, please place her in confinement with something recognizable on her person, and get rid of the clones! - I don't care how you are willing to do it, just burn them for all I care.
Ark Royal - According to general law, repeated offenses will result in a public hanging. - "Prepare the noose" is not a correct way to respond! Stop acting like such a Chikan!
Atago - According to general law, repeated offenses will result in a public hanging. - No, public humiliation should not be an fetish.
Avrora - From this point on, anyone who has made the kitchen explode within the past three weeks is hereby forbidden from entering the canteen. Ever. - This is a surprisingly high ratio of people within our naval base.
Ayanami - No, you don't get it. So like, Enterprise 2 is a clone of Enterprise 1. But in actuality, Enterprise 2 is different from the Enterprise 1 clones, as she is Enterprise 1 with a different history, while Enterprise 1 clones have the same memories as Enterprise 1. Enterprise 1 has clones, while Enterprise 2 is a non-clone, so~ No, We're not also burning Enterprise 2! Listen to me!
Belfast - Congratulations. You are now responsible for this week's major Shipgirl-cockup™. I hope that getting the cloning machine was worth it for you, but you still only get one wife, no matter how many Enterprises you pump out of that thing. - STOP!
Bismarck - You may not punish insubordinate shipgirls by telling them to go to Enterprise's room.
Bremerton - For some reason I feel the violent urge to bash your head in after I saw your "Hit or miss song" Juustagram post.
Chapayev - That's not a leash, that's a whip. - That's not a collar, that's a choker. - That's not a dog, that's Warspite.
Cleveland - No, you don't have testicular cancer. You're on your period. - The fact that it has to be me to point that out to you, shows how far gone you have gotten with your gender confusion. Maybe we should just let Vestal perform surgery on you at this point...
Deutschland - You may not use the clone machine to hoard organs for the black market. God no. Like, Christ, have you and Vestal started becoming friends or something?
Eldritch - Get rid of the "free hugs" sign, you're a walking taser.
Empress III - While it is usually unwise to disbelieve anything involving Akashi, that does not testify your claims that you were captured by her using Unicorn clones, who all teleported behind you at once, strapped you on a chair, and then let Akashi perform multiple gruesome testing on you that involved alcohol and drugs. The next time you come here late for work, still drunk and high from the day before, you will be detained.
Enterprise 1 (Whichever you are) - Please report yourself to us, and please stop encouraging your clones to arrange more orgy's with your wife. I know it was you! - Yes, I know it doesn't count as cheating as long as it's "you" who defiles her. It is still morally twisted beyond reproach.
Enterprise 2 - ...Where did you go?
Friedrich Der Große - I'm not a child. I run a military base. Stop feeding me.
Formidable - "I'm bored" should not be followed by you making a dead rat puppet theatre. Enterprise 2 has already been opportunistic enough and so far she has been too smart for me to reprimand. How about we all just STOP with the rats already?
Fuzzball - You can not use Takao 2 as a substitute to skip work unnoticed. - A lot has changed over the past few weeks. I remembered the days where you diligently reprimanded anyone for saluting me incorrectly. Now you're just skipping work for a chance to pretend being a Jedi, using tree-branches as a weapon. - No, I am still not giving you the sword back, considering the implications.
Grozny - "drinking like it's water" is not meant to be taken Literally. - I apologize. Upon further inspection, it appears that there really does only come vodka out of your dorm sink.
Graf zeppelin - Yeah, you just stay there and laugh, cretin. just you wait! Until Javelin finally recovers from blowing up Europe, and comes after you with the power of friendship and rainbows!
Gascogne - You are not a human calculator. Stop humoring people when they ask you to spell out the contents of pi.
Hammann - We do not engage into wartime combat using "Bish-slaps." Stop listening to Deutschland.
Honolulu - Don't play innocent. I know Eugen has been teaching you her belly dancing moves.
Hornet - Trying to warn girls about the recently increasing flirtatious actions of your sister is admirable, but you will have to explain to a number of younger destroyers what "the finer points of BDSM" means.
Illustrious - Being unable to look down deu to your chest is not enough reason to just "forget" that you didn't have clothes on.
Javelin - I don't know what that rainbow-shooting weapon of yours exactly is, but since it is strong enough to blow up half of the moon, wipe out the continent of Europe, and shoot a hole all the way to the core of the Earth, it is also strong enough to get rid of Graf Zeppelin. Get to it!
Kaga - Humans are not food. - At this point you are more "animal" than "girl" as a "animal-girl." I think I'm required by law to call the dog shelter on you now...
Karlsruhe - Please report yourself to Vestal for study in an effort to un-zombify yourself.
Kitakaze - Any strategy involving purposefully exterminating a continent is right out. Stay away from Javelin.
Laffey - Laffey, Having "balls of steel" does not mean someone actually has balls. It just means they are very brave during a certain situation. I was starting to wonder why you were staring at me with a stick in hand...
Mainz - What you did this week, just for the sake of procuring coffee, was so inhumane and extreme, I don't think I even have clearance to mention it within this missive. And this is the weekly paper reprimanding the yandere nazi, for god sake!
North Carolina - I am humbled that you brought a surprise present to the doorstep of my office this morning. Anyway, It takes roughly 30 second to kill a surprise zombie bunny by suffocating it with present wrapper. Now I know, thank you. Please stop attempting to kill me via bunnies.
Observer α - Please report yourself to Vestal for study in an effort to un-zombify yourself.
Prinz Eugen - Please report yourself to Vestal for study in an effort to un-zombify yourself.
Purifier - Please report yourself to Vestal for study in an effort to un-zombify yourself.
Roon - Kitchen knifes are meant for cutting meat only, not for cutting people. - On a side note, you make a amazing killer Beef Roulade. - (Props to Reinkasahi and Some Guy2283 for the food jokes)
Seattle - That was the last time I'll drink alcohol with you. I still don't know how that toilet got up there that night...
Sheffield - Despite what she would have you believe, Queen Elizabeth does not have the ability to countermand my orders. Get rid of the shrine.
Shōkaku - Where do I even begin? You barging into my office wall together with Taihō on a swinging wrecking ball, to capture Akagi as she was attempting to read smut-fiction to me by slamming her against the ball itself, was unnecessary. "She called my cooking bad" does not properly excuse destroying my entire office. Where did you even get that thing? - It's a good thing Sheffield was there to tie the lot of you up, less I don't think this situation would've ended without casualties.
Taihō - Plotting together with Shōkaku to capture Akagi was well-informed on your part. None the less, I have to ask you to please stop assassinating anyone who has a crush on me. The entire base aren't your enemies. The enemies are your enemies.
Takao 2 - Do not be a hypocrite. You are correct to forbid others from using your weapon, but making whoosh sounds with your mouth as you swing and shooting lasers into the sky to make an entrance, is being reckless.
Tester β - As the Queen of Hell, it is within our best interest to remain friendly with you. That said, please stop carrying around those gold ornamented boxes you brought from your new kingdom. I don't know what it is, but just being within its presence alone makes me want to tear off my own skin and detonate all nukes within our base just to stop the ongoing, infinite horror.
U-101 - Coming from my right does not justify crashing into me at Mach speed while claiming you had priority.
Unicorn - Don't get rid of the chainsaws just yet. We still have some clones to thin out.
Vestal - You will, with great haste, personally gather each and every shipgirl inside the base that thanks to you have now been zombified and fix them, Or I will have Unicorn execute you right where you stand! - THIS IS NOT FUNNY!
Warspite - I will not tolerate furries within my naval base. Burn that corgi costume immediately.
Queen Elizabeth - Your dreams for a dictatorship will have to go. Ordering the maids to build a shrine in your name is perturbing at best. I'm countermanding it.
Z23 - The cult of Commanderism is not to use the Admiral fanclub's clubroom as a secret church.
Zuikaku - You already have your harem. You've won. You don't need another victory over Enterprise 1, it's over. Please don't attempt to make more clones of yourself than Enterprise, or I'll have to ask Observer to prepare the space cannons.
Operative missives - Including week 31 & 32
To all operatives - Stop asking Akashi to build a reality space warper. We do not need hammer space. - Never mind. Research pacific has just send me an prototype for reality hammer space.
FFwriter - Your viewpoint to romance is similar to Roon's. Thank you for reminding me why I am still forcing myself to remain single despite the recent total chaos involving my "lovers."
Unknown Shipgirl - Not unless Vestal has a say in it. - You'd think that, as the commander, I should be able to do something against that, but...
Security - From between Cleveland levels of gender doubt to having to go up against the entire base. Don't know, not my problem!
Research Pacific - WHY ARE WE FUNDING YOU PEOPLE?! - Do you think one kilometer of this reality hammer space thing will be enough to use as a new nuclear testing ground?
The Shadow of Zama - Please don't make me the one to have to explain to Hammann why she needs to install PADS to increase our tactical advantage...
The Janitor - Great to hear you're okay, but are you sure you want to send me the coordinates of the super-secret-enemy-Nazi military base?
Commander's Harem?! - I'M IN DENAIL, CAN'T HEAR YOU, LALALALALALALALA!
Guest - Where's an orphanage when you need one...
Bakkysak - Hmm? Why is that newly transferred joe not dead yet? I didn't expect 3 weeks out of him...
That Rabid Potato - Honestly, now even I am starting to doubt what Cleveland really is at this point. - You might say that, but I think that Enterprise 1 has become the frontrunner of the relationship by now. Like, jeez, that woman is horny.
Very loud guest - I don't know. Can you eat humans?
Local Pyromaniac - You traumatized a base once? no wonder you got transferred here instead...
Mr JAMicide - That apocalypse worked out for you, didn't it? Suspiciously convenient. - Taihō is bragging to me all about this ruffee that makes people explode. I'm holding you accountable. - You are probably the first operative ever to bluntly ask me for blackmail against my subordinates like that. You're going places! Here, take them.
Cemalidor - Just embrace that we're cowards and have shipgirls like Unicorn to send to solve all our problems. - Some of the operatives here are speaking of a gender swap device. With some bad luck, and maybe she really will conjure up some crème brulee. Yuk!
BllyWlly (I am in awe at the size of this lad's brain and creativity) - Hmm? Oh, yeah, right. Sorry, we kinda had our own little apocalypse going on, didn't quite notice the end of the world was coming our way. Yeah, I guess I can take care of this! Anyway, what do you think is more effective in killing these things? Unicorn with a chainsaw, or Unicorn with a shotgun? Your call.
Lone Rider-09 - You're already to late on that front, we're about to nuke Mars. - DON'T SHOOT ORBITAL LAUNCHERS ON OUR BRAND NEW EXPENSIVE HYPER PROJECT OUT OF SPACE. THIS IS NOT A SUGGESTION!
Joshua Olejasz - Congratulations and all that, but stay away from Belfast. When she proposes the idea of a shotgun wedding to you and Ranger, you are just to say no.
General Sternz - Erm... Why is Eugen running for the position of "strip club president?"
Dr. [REDACTED] - Unlike Dr. Bright, Unicorn has a zombie apocalypse and Enterprise clones to deal with. - Well, I don't know. Maybe he did use chainsaw cannons against a zombie apocalypse. Tell me again what it is you people even do in that weird foundation?
Reinkasahi - I'm placing a restrain order between you and Akashi for obvious reasons. No BFG's. - That doesn't mean you can just teleport near her and steal her inventions for personal use! Do you want me to send Unicorn after you now that she can follow you through hammer space?! - We gave you nukes. Leave us the Excalibur. Don't be such a hypocrite.
Shadow Onyx 013 - At this point, can't we just feed San Francisco to zombies? Not even if I say please?
Francis - Only Roon could cover up child birth...
House Of Erebus - No one. I'll pick no one. I'm going in there alone for obvious reasons.
Touhou Fanatic - If OnLy ThErE wAs SoMe kInD Of PrOtOcOl FoR ChAnGiNg SoMeOne'S GeNdEr?!
The Middle man - That's not a zombie cure. That's a piece of Knackwurst Bismarck threw away a few weeks ago. What do you mean, I'm supposed to pay for this?! - You and Hornet need to stop publicly reenacting historical raids on our own base. Especially when that reenactment involves 16 of Hornet's planes bombing our port.
Alfamega2000 - Funny you should mention that. Ever since my vacation from Siberia, I've gotten this horrible itch that's starting to worsen...
Some Guy - The USS Montana has not yet been incorporated into the Azur Lane program. She is still just a vessel. Have you been... meeting up with an actual ship? Not even a shipgirl, but just a ship?! - "Found near Akashi's lab" is not a sentence I want to hear you speak. You should've known better than that.
WarCorgi - If it's supposed to be a secret, then don't say anything! Do you want her to send the killer bunnies after you?!