One Day at a Time Chapter 8 - Harry Potter, a harry potter fanfic

Chapter 8: Harry Potter

It was the last day of the month and Hermione was sitting at the desk in her bedroom. She'd just woken up, read a letter from herself explaining why she didn't remember the last two years, read through the summaries about her friends and parents, then read a short note Harry had left for her.

Hermione,

I planned to take off work today but I have urgent meetings with Kingsley (who's the Minister for Magic now) all morning. As you've probably already noticed, it's the last day of the month and that means it's time for your month-end review. Everything you need is in the leatherbound notebook and box behind the panel at the back of your desk. You like to do your reviews in the library (which is just across the hall) so you can spread everything out.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there to make you a big breakfast before you started. As soon as I can break away, I will, though I don't think I'll get home any earlier than lunchtime. Good luck and I love you.

-Harry

Hermione's eyes kept drifting back to the last line. I love you. It was so casual, the way he'd written it, but the words felt very significant to her for some reason. Were they the sort of friends who said 'I love you' all the time, now? They had obviously loved each other before her accident, but only said so in extreme circumstances. What had changed? Hermione looked back at Harry's summary, which was on top of the pile.

Harry Potter

You've been living at Grimmauld Place with Harry for a year and a half. Out of all your friends, he is the most understanding of your condition and has this eerie ability to know exactly what you're thinking and feeling - I suspect it's because a lot of your interactions by this point are repetitive, though he claims that's not true.

He works in the Auror Office, still flies regularly, and has insisted on teaching you how to fly as well, despite countless protestations. He no longer sees his Aunt and Uncle (thank goodness), still has occasional nightmares from the war, and is wildly famous. When he goes out, he tends to stay in the Muggle world to avoid reporters and adoring fans.

Note: Harry isn't an Auror; he just does administrative work in the office. After completing training, he decided to take a calmer, more flexible job.

Hermione sighed when she was finished reading. She'd been expecting more, but she couldn't pinpoint why. Her attention was drawn away from the parchment by a knock. She got to her feet and went to open her door. Ron was standing in the hall, smiling. She threw her arms around him. "Ron! What are you doing here?"

"I know Harry's tied up at the office, so I thought I'd take you to breakfast. I can't cook like he can, sorry."

"That's fine…" Hermione stepped back and studied him. He looked good. His hair was shorter and his face was a little more filled out, but besides that, he was still the same old Ron. "I don't understand - you're not in the meetings with Harry?"

Ron waved her away. "Nah. It's important 'Harry Potter' business." Hermione was glad to note that he didn't seem jealous. "Why don't you go get ready? Your bathroom's right there. Then we can go."

Hermione nodded. She went to get clothes from her closet and disappeared into the bathroom, where she found notes scrawled across the mirror in Harry's handwriting.

This house is yours, too; help yourself to anything.

Being your friend isn't work, babysitting, a chore, boring, or repetitive. I love having you in my life and would be lost without you.

Your life is varied and filled with challenges, accomplishments, fun, and - on occasion - bad days. But overall, you have loads more good days than bad ones.

I love you.

There it was again. I love you. Why did he tell her that so much? If she didn't know any better, she'd guess they were together. But that would have surely been in Harry's summary, so there must be some other explanation. Was it something she was insecure about? The other notes seemed to be addressing insecurities. Was he telling her he loved her to remind her that her friends still valued her and cared about her, despite having to put up with the memory loss?

She didn't think she needed that reminder. As soon as she'd seen Ron, it was clear he still cared about her. She could see it in his eyes. So, why all the 'I love yous' from Harry?

Hermione got ready quickly, then she and Ron went to a nearby café for breakfast. Ron caught her up on his family while they ate and sipped on large mugs of tea. When they returned to Grimmauld Place, he dropped her off in the hall and explained that he had to return to work since he technically hadn't taken the day off.

"I'm sorry. You didn't have to come all the way over here. I could have managed alone." She didn't understand why her month-end review was meant to be a bad thing, she was excited to learn everything she'd missed over the past two years.

"Oh, I know. This wasn't about that." Ron leaned in and whispered, "You're not the only one who's developed Slytherin tendencies."

Hermione had no idea what to say to that. Ron just winked, then added, "Also. I apologize in advance for Ginny, but she means well."

With that, he gave her a final nod and disappeared through the door. Hermione was thoroughly confused. Why had he mentioned Ginny? Was she here? Hermione pulled out her wand and cast a quick Hominem Revelio spell. There was a figure upstairs. Was that Ginny? She slowly made her way up to the third floor, keeping her wand up. The person was in her room.

Her heart was beating hard and she could feel adrenaline start to flow through her veins. Was she in danger? Was this an intruder? No. The war was over. And knowing Harry, he'd have protected the house with countless wards. Hermione pushed the door open slowly and found Ginny sitting on her bed. She was holding Hermione's leatherbound notebook and there was a large wooden box on the bed next to her.

"Ginny."

"Hermione," Ginny said sternly. Hermione was caught off guard by her friend's harsh tone.

She took a step back and leaned against the wall as she took in Ginny's altered appearance. "You look, uh, really cool."

"Thank you," Ginny replied quickly. "So do you. Okay. Pleasantries over, let's cut to the chase."

Hermione was about to point out that when people exchanged pleasantries, they typically smiled, something Ginny hadn't done since Hermione had walked into the room. But Hermione stayed quiet, since it was clear Ginny wasn't in the mood for jokes.

"You are incredibly strong," Ginny stated, "probably just as strong as Harry, so I'm not going to baby you."

"Okay," Hermione said warily.

Ginny sighed and motioned toward the box at her side. "I came over here with every intention of breaking through all the protections you put over this stuff, to see how much you've really been hiding from yourself and fill in any gaps for you. But before I got a chance, I found a letter right at the front of your notebook which you wrote yourself last weekend that says everything I would have told you. And I didn't even have to break into it magically, the seal popped right off. May I read it aloud?"

Hermione shrugged. She didn't see the harm in that. She assumed if Ginny weren't here, that letter would have been the first thing she read, if it really had been at the front of her notebook and unprotected by magic. Ginny began to read.

"Hermione, You love Harry and he loves you."

Ginny stopped and looked up at Hermione. Hermione didn't know what to say. Was Ginny jealous? Is that why she looked upset? No, Ginny was dating a witch now and her summary said she and Harry had had a mutual breakup. Well, this explained all the 'I love yous,' but why wasn't this in Harry's summary? Maybe she was supposed to read this letter every morning, too. Ginny kept reading.

"But before you let that fact fill your heart with joy and make you smile, know this - you do not deserve his love. You have been a coward for the past several months, hiding this truth from yourself instead of facing it and because of that, you have been tearing Harry apart. You have hurt him so completely and today that's all going to stop."

Ginny stopped again. "I couldn't have said it better myself."

"What?" Hermione had no idea what to say to that. She had a million questions.

"I'll keep reading," Ginny said in response to the confused look on Hermione's face.

"Back in January, Harry told you he loved you and you kissed and talked and agreed to give dating a shot, then you forgot. He told you again and again over the course of the next few months and kept forgetting. Things continued to escalate: you gave him hope, you made promises, you even had sex with him but every time, you left him, failed to write down what had happened, and broke his heart.

"Harry said tonight that every time you left, it hurt a little less. He thinks it's because when you go, you take a piece of him with you, so there's less of him left to feel the pain."

Ginny stopped to wipe her eyes. Before Hermione could cut in and ask if it was really this bad, she continued reading.

"Harry is without question the most important person in your life. He loves you more than anything and fiercely defends your right to choose how you want to live. He believes deep in his heart that you can have a fulfilling life with your memory loss and will do anything to make that happen for you and look at how you've treated him in return."

"Okay. I get it!" Hermione exclaimed. She sank down until she was sitting on the floor, pulled her feet up, and dropped her head into her knees. Tears were streaming down her face now. She felt awful, but she didn't remember doing all that. She didn't know how she could have been so cruel.

"These are your words. Not mine," Ginny said from the bed.

Hermione wrapped her arms around her legs. "Message received, Ginny. Okay?" she snapped back. "The knife is in. No need to move it around and cause even more pain."

Ginny's expression softened and she patted the spot next to her on the bed. "Come here. It gets a little nicer."

Hermione stayed in place. "It does?"

"Well, there was nowhere to go but up." Ginny patted the bed again. "Come on. I won't bite."

Hermione rose to her feet and slowly crossed the room. "This is why you're cross with me? Because I hurt Harry?"

Ginny nodded and shook the letter. "To be fair, you seemed pretty cross with you, too."

Hermione let out a small laugh. "Yeah. No kidding." When she sat next to Ginny, Ginny wrapped an arm around her. "Does it really get better?" Hermione asked.

Ginny nodded and continued reading.

"In your defense, without someone giving you all the context - as both Ron and Harry have done today - it would have been nearly impossible for you to know how much you were hurting Harry. I think you were doing what you thought was best for him. You were trying to protect him from the pain of having to be with someone who would forget him each night.

"But now that you know - you need to fix it. Here's how-"

Ginny stopped reading. "For the record, I don't agree with any of this next part, but I'm going to read it anyway." She sighed and turned back to the letter.

"End it. There is no world where you and Harry can live happily ever after. Putting aside the complications of a relationship between two people where one of them remembers nothing (from first kisses, to fights, to that fact that they are no longer a virgin). Putting aside the fact that Harry deserves a family, and that would be impossible with your condition, the events of the past several months are proof enough that this cannot continue.

"Harry is broken, bleeding, and hurting, and you did that, without any knowledge. And he let you. Ron described your relationship as toxic and he's right. This circumstance can't be repeated and although you love each other, the obstacles standing between you are too large. Love isn't going to be enough.

"But this time, instead of walking away in silence, you need to confront Harry and tell him no. You owe him an explanation and after you talk to him, you need to write it down and read it every day. No more kissing, definitely no more shagging, and when Harry finally moves on, you need to let him. You can do this. You've done hard things before, and ultimately, this is what's best for Harry."

Ginny stopped. Hermione was crying again and nodding along. "It makes sense."

Ginny sighed again. "After I finished reading this, I started thinking about how I was going to slap you, then began thinking of hexes I could use since hitting didn't seem good enough."

Hermione leaned away from Ginny and reached for her wand in her pocket.

"Lucky for you, there's more to the letter," Ginny continued. "So, I'm not going to hit you."

"There's more?"

"Yeah. Listen to this." Ginny turned the last page over and continued reading.

"Disregard the last few paragraphs. That's just you deciding what's best for Harry, just as Dumbledore did before you. Do you really want to do that to Harry? You remember the promise you had him make just before the end of the war. He's a grown man, incredibly clever and brave and kind and he deserves to choose for himself what he wants and he wants you - flaws and all.

"So, don't make your decision for Harry - let him do that. Instead, decide for yourself. What do you want, Hermione? Can you handle a relationship with your condition? Can you handle the uncertainty? Can you put almost limitless trust in another person? It will be uncomfortable and every day you'll feel guilty and unsure and scared. And if you'd prefer to be alone - that's okay. But once you decide, whether you choose Harry or not, you need to go all in. No waffling; there's been enough of that.

"I wish I could help you but right now, I'm completely spent. It's been a grueling day and I barely know which way is up. All I know for certain is that I love Harry more profoundly than I've ever loved another person in my life and that he deserves for me to give this topic a full day of measured, reasoned consideration. That, Hermione, is your task for the day. Trust your heart, trust your mind, trust your soul. You can do this.

"- Lots of love, your past self."

Both witches were silent for several moments after Ginny finished reading the letter. Ginny folded the papers and put them back in the notebook, then turned to Hermione. "What do you think?"

"What do I think? What do I think?!" The question seemed absurd. What didn't she think, might have been more appropriate, since a rush of thoughts were going through her head. Hermione stood up and began pacing the room.

"What am I supposed to think?!" Hermione cried. "This is impossible! 'Oh, just figure out what you want, Hermione,'" she said in a mocking tone. "'You have no idea what's going on, but it's very critical that you make a permanent decision about your future with Harry - someone you supposedly love more than you've ever loved anyone, some you've supposedly shagged - which is a whole separate thing, someone whose heart you've apparently broken on number of occasions - Oh, and if that wasn't hard enough, let's not forget, you haven't even seen him today and the last memory you have of him is over two years old!'"

Ginny was leaning back on her hands and smirking at her, which made Hermione want to hex her. "You think this is funny?" Hermione said dangerously. She had her wand out now. "If you find my life so amusing, I'd be happy to switch places. Just say the word!"

Ginny's grin widened. "You want to play Quidditch professionally and date witches?"

"No. But I would have fun pissing off your mum." They shared a smile, then Hermione sighed heavily and went to sit back on the bed. "Help me," she pleaded.

Ginny placed her hands on Hermione's shoulders. "Okay. I can do that."

"You can?"

"Of course. That's why I'm here."

"I thought you were here to yell at me."

"I was. But then you did a really good job of yelling at yourself."

"Yeah," Hermione sighed.

"Do you know about your 'one day at a time' challenge?" Ginny asked.

Hermione nodded. "There was a letter about it. It was Luna's idea and I was supposed to start every day from scratch so I could-" Hermione stopped talking as realization hit her. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Do you think I started that challenge for Harry?"

"Of course. Why else? I don't know any of the details, since Luna won't tell anyone, but apparently you were supposed to take the month to figure out what you really wanted. That's got 'you trying to figure out what to do about Harry' written all over it."

"Huh." Hermione Summoned the letter she'd written explaining the challenge from her desk and scanned it quickly.

You're supposed to start each day fresh, without any external distractions, and see how the day goes. Then you reflect at the end in your notebook.

I have no idea what this is about, but I do know Harry doesn't like talking about it. Apparently a lot of those "external distractions" you removed from your life were tools he made to make everything easier.

Hermione looked back up at Ginny. It fit. Then she looked over at the leatherbound notebook on the bed, with the harsh letter she'd written herself stuffed in the front. That's where she wrote down her "reflections" each night. But she'd seen it earlier. It was blank. She'd have to figure out how to unlock what she'd written.

"Okay. So, I'm going to leave you alone," Ginny announced. She got up from the bed and picked up the large, wooden box.

"Wait. What? You're leaving? And you can't take that. I need it. That's where my whole history is stored!"

Ginny sighed and pulled the box back, out of Hermione's reach. "You don't need to review history today. Do it next month. Do it tomorrow, even. You need to spend today figuring out what to do about Harry. No distractions."

"You say that like it's so easy, but again, I haven't even seen Harry today! And you're taking away a huge source of information that might be useful in-"

"Hermione!"

Hermione scowled at having been cut off so abruptly. Ginny seemed unphased and continued on. "The way I see it, you've already done loads of thinking. You don't need to repeat all that. All you need to do is answer that one question you set for yourself at the end of the letter. What. Do. You. Want?"

"But how am I supposed to start when-"

"Hey! Stop. You're getting too worked up. All the answers are in there."

Hermione looked to where Ginny was pointing, at the leatherbound notebook on the bed. "For a solid month, you started each day without anything influencing you towards Harry, you reflected each night, now use that giant analytical brain of yours to delve into the research and finally answer, once and for all, what does Hermione Granger want? Don't worry so much about the past, or what you've been through today. Just sift through data, look for patterns, I don't know, do your thing. Solve it."

"I - I can do that. That doesn't seem so bad," Hermione allowed.

"Okay. Good." Ginny picked up the wooden box and walked to the door.

"But what do I do when I see Harry?" Hermione asked before Ginny disappeared into the hall.

"Based on his letter, you have a few hours before he gets back. Try your best to get as far as you can with this and when he shows up, just talk to him. You two have become awful at talking to each other because I think you both assume you know what the other is thinking and feeling and you're mostly right but lately, you've been missing the mark. Just remember that Harry is your best friend and loves you more than he loves any other person in the world. You can trust him."

Ginny returned to the bed and gave Hermione a half-hug before going back to the door.

"What if I choose wrong?" Hermione whispered.

"You won't. If I thought it would help, I'd stay, but you need to do this one alone. Good luck."

With that, Ginny left, closing the door softly behind her. Hermione stared at the closed door for several minutes, then she took a deep breath and picked up the notebook. She could do this. Ginny was right, she didn't have to make any big decisions, all she had to do was look at the available data and answer the question about what she wanted.

She'd focus on that small piece of the puzzle first. Once she had that, she could worry about the next problem. This was the same way she went through complicated Arithmancy problems in school. She could do this.

"I can do this," she said aloud. She opened the notebook to a random middle page, grabbed her wand, and began examining the magic protecting the information hidden on the blank pages.

A few hours later, Hermione was in the library, lying on her back on the sofa and absently looking up at the ceiling when she heard someone clear their throat.

She jumped and tried to get to her feet so quickly, she lost her balance and stumbled a bit on her way up. When she straightened, she looked over and saw Harry smirking at her. He'd noticed her almost-fall. Of course he had. But she didn't care anymore, her brain had moved on to the next topic. Harry was here, right there, just a few feet away.

She crossed the room quickly and stopped right in front of him, then reached out and touched his arm. It was solid. Then, before she could consider what she was doing, she lifted up on her toes, put one hand behind Harry's head, and pulled him down into a kiss.

She'd been thinking about him nonstop since she'd woken up and after a while, she started to think he might not be real. It was like when she said a word over and over again and it began to sound ridiculous. But as she kissed him, she decided that he was definitely real. This kiss was definitely real, and when she thought that, she stepped back, embarrassed.

"Sorry. Um-"

Before she could articulate what she was sorry about, Harry was kissing her again. Hermione returned her hands to the back of his head and began playing with his hair while Harry moved his hands down to her waist and pulled her closer.

As Hermione was kissing Harry, she was overcome with an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. She knew just how his mouth fit with hers, the feel of his hair through fingers, and just where to turn her head to avoid colliding with his glasses. It was so familiar she felt like she'd done this a hundred times, then realized that she had.

When they pulled away, Harry was grinning, his green eyes bright. "Hi."

"Um. Hi. I guess I probably should have started with that. I just - got in my head that maybe you weren't real and everything I'd read was some fantasy I'd made up to make myself feel better and - and maybe I shouldn't just blurt aloud every little thought that flits across my brain."

Hermione dropped her head. Harry was still holding her waist and he bent to place a kiss on her forehead. "You're cute when you're nervous."

She looked up at him and let out a small laugh. "Then I must be really cute right now. I feel so out of my depth and after all the notes I read I was, uh, expecting something different. I thought you'd be angry or upset or, or-"

"Crying? Like a male version of Moaning Myrtle?" he quipped.

She nodded. "Sort of."

Harry smiled. "I cry a lot. Lucky for me, you forget it, since it's not very manly."

Hermione didn't know what to say. He was still holding her waist and they were talking casually about how much pain she'd caused him in the past - something she had no memory of doing. She moved her hands down from the back of his neck to his shoulders, just for something to do, then let out a long sigh. Her mind was reaching for words, any words, and landed on, "How was your morning of meetings?"

He sighed and finally let go of her. "Exhausting," he groaned, running his hand along the stubble on his jaw. "I was in Germany, meeting with their head of government's staff and finding out much more than I ever wanted to know about the man."

Hermione cocked her head in confusion. Harry waved his hand. "It's a whole thing. What's been going on here? Honestly, this wasn't what I was expecting either."

Hermione blushed. "Me attacking you first thing?"

"Hah. That sort of attack is always welcome - though only from you, of course. I meant, where are all your things? I thought you'd be surrounded by papers and much more...stressed."

"Oh, right. The box. This morning I saw Ron just after I woke up and he took me out for breakfast. Now, I know it was just a ruse to get me out of the house so Ginny could sneak in and go through my things. She took the box and only left me with that," Hermione motioned back toward the notebook on the sofa.

Harry had already turned back to the hall. "Those two can't stop meddling," he was muttering. "I'll go get the box back," he said louder, over his shoulder.

"You don't have to. I don't need it today."

Harry turned around and studied her, then looked at the notebook on the couch. "How much do you know? What did Ginny tell you?"

That was a loaded question. "I know about us, obviously. I know how bad it's become. I know today is the day I have to make a final decision about everything." She dropped his gaze, which was intense. "Ginny didn't tell me anything. I'd left a letter for myself, one I wrote this last weekend."

When Hermione looked up again, Harry had come back into the room and was standing just in front of her, watching her closely. "It's okay that Ginny took that box because it gave me time to focus on my task, which was to look through my notes from the past month and answer one simple question - what do I want? And I did it. It was easy, actually."

"You're done?"

Hermione nodded.

"But, no. Before you decide anything, you need to let me-"

"I want you," she said quickly, cutting him off.

"Wait. What?"

She nodded and carefully crossed the distance between them. She placed her hands on his shoulders, where they'd been a few moments before. "I want to be with you," she repeated.

"You chose me before I even showed up? I thought I was going to have to fight a bit harder than that."

She gave him a small smile and kissed his cheek. "It sounds like you've been fighting for quite a while." She turned back to the sofa. "Come here. I'll show you what I found."

Hermione sat back down on the sofa and picked up the leatherbound notebook as Harry took a seat next to her. "Do you know about the questions I was supposed to answer each night as part of my 'one day at a time' challenge?"

Harry shook his head.

"There were four: What was the best part of today? What was the worst? What are you most afraid of right now? What do you want most?"

Hermione looked back up at Harry. "Earlier, after I read the letter I'd left myself explaining everything I was really overwhelmed, since I'd have to make this big decision today and had no idea where to start. But the letter was pretty clear that all I had to do was answer one question: What do I want? And it was Ginny who helped simplify everything for me even further, so I'm glad she was here."

Harry nodded and Hermione could tell he was impatient for her to get to the point, but she always liked to explain things thoroughly.

"Ginny said that my challenge for the month was aimed at helping me answer that exact question and pointed out that I had all the information I needed in this notebook. Then she left and I thought I had this huge task ahead of me of sifting through countless notes while trying to find patterns and similarities and reconciling conflicting information. But it wasn't like that."

"It wasn't?" he asked.

Hermione shook her head. "It was incredibly easy. It took me fifteen minutes to find the answer. Look here, question one: What was the best part of today?"

Hermione began flipping through the notebook. "Talking to Harry. Playing Ghost with Harry. Yelling at amateur chefs with Harry." She looked up and saw him smiling. "I have no idea what that means."

His smile widened and she looked back down at the notebook and continued to read. "Cooking with Harry, playing Ghost with Harry, - again - flying with Harry - that one was surprising." Hermione placed the book on her lap and looked back up. "Every single one of them included you. Even on days that I could tell from the notes I didn't spend with you, I picked out a short moment from the morning or night when I was with you and listed it as my favorite."

Harry placed a hand on her leg. "It's the same for me. My favorite moments are the ones I spend with you."

Hermione's heart skipped a beat. She smiled at him and went back to the notebook. "Next question: What was the worst part of every day? These were more about my condition: Not knowing. Not remembering. Feeling lost. Feeling sad. Not knowing - a second time. There were a few about you, though. Missing Harry at the Burrow, fighting with Harry, not knowing how to make Harry feel better."

A tear fell down Hermione's face and she wiped it away quickly. She took a deep breath and flipped back to the front of the notebook. "Third question: What are you most afraid of? I expected to see things about my condition again, things like - never healing from this - but like the first question, everything I wrote was about you."

Harry still had a hand on her leg and gave it a comforting squeeze. She placed her hand on top of his before starting to read. "That I'm a burden to Harry. That Harry is annoyed with me all the time and is just hiding it well. That Harry was lying when he said he needs me as much as I need him. That I'm holding Harry back. That I can't give Harry the same support he gives me. That Harry won't move on."

She was crying again and this time Harry wiped her tears away before she got a chance. He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head. "None of that is true."

Hermione gave him a teary smile. "Okay. Ready for the last one? This was telling."

Harry nodded. "Yeah. Go for it."

"What do you want most?" She paused for a few seconds before reading her replies. "To be happy. To enjoy life. To be useful. To help others. To leave the world better than I found it." Hermione looked up and saw Harry was cocking his head in confusion. "They're all canned responses," she concluded.

"Yeah." He sounded disappointed.

Hermione put the book aside and grabbed his hand. "If I had truly written out what I wanted, I would have been suspicious that it hadn't really been me writing all that. It's just like me to hold back when answering that question, but I can see what's not written there almost clearer than I can see what is."

"I don't understand."

"Here." Hermione picked up the notebook and flipped to a random page. "On this day my favorite moment was yelling at amateur chefs with you. My worst moment was not recalling the memory behind a picture you showed me where we were smiling and having fun. What I feared most was that you would never find your happy ending. And I wanted most? To live a fulfilling life." Hermione looked up at Harry and cocked an eyebrow at him. "It doesn't really fit, does it?"

She flipped to another page. "Listen to this one. Best moment: Playing Ghost with Harry (he lost, but just barely). Worst moment: It was clear you were hurting and wouldn't tell me why. Biggest fear: That I can't support you as much as you can me. What do I want? To be happy."

Hermione put the notebook aside for good now and turned to face Harry. "I can feel the lie behind those answers. And I know why I did it. Because it's terrifying, the thought of being with you and if I think about it for too long - my mind starts to go crazy and my breathing quickens and it's almost like I'm heading for a panic attack. But I keep trying to remind myself that the task I set for myself today was to answer one question. What do I want?"

Hermione took a breath and looked down at their clasped hands. "You, Harry," she whispered. "My whole world seems to revolve around you. And I was waiting to see you in person before I came to a final conclusion, but I was sure as soon as I reached out and touched you. Even the password to the notebook-" she paused to let out a small laugh, "-do you know what it was?"

Harry shook his head.

"Harry James Potter," she replied.

A tear fell onto Harry's cheek and Hermione reached out and wiped it away with her fingertips. "You can't do that. Or else I'll think you're not manly. And I'll have to give you a silly nickname, like Howling Harry," she joked.

Harry smiled, then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Several more tears fell from his eyes. "I don't understand," he said when he looked back at her. "You told me you weren't going to pick me. You told me you'd write it in your letter."

"Oh. Right." Hermione reached behind her for the notebook and pulled the letter she'd written herself out of the back. "I did tell myself in this letter to walk away, claiming that was best for you and the only way to solve this problem." Hermione turned the letter over to the few paragraphs she'd written at the end. "Then, I came back later and added this." She began to read aloud.

Hermione folded the letter and put it back in her notebook. She didn't know what else to say. The letter had said it all.

"You've really decided?" Harry asked, disbelieving. "You're choosing me? And you're sure?"

Hermione bit her lip and looked down at her lap. "No," she said honestly. "I know I want to be with you, desperately. I know it intellectually and I feel it in my heart but - but I'm not sure. I still have a thousand doubts and I don't understand how I'm ever going to get to that place of certainty. 'No waffling,' as the letter said. I know why it's important but I don't know how to get there."

Harry stood up and held a hand out for her. "Let's go for a walk."

"What?"

"It's lovely outside. Let's get out of here and walk around while you tell me about every doubt. Let's just talk through it all. Okay? Something we should have done ages ago."

Hermione looked at his outstretched hands for several seconds, then placed her hand in his. "Okay."

When they got outside, Hermione linked her arm with Harry's as he led the way toward a nearby park.

"You told me once that when two people are arguing, it's best for them to go on a walk. That way, they're facing in the same direction as they talk, rather than in opposite ones, like when you're sitting across the table."

"I said that?" she asked.

"You'd read it in some article."

"I like that. But we're not arguing," Hermione pointed out.

"No. But we're discussing something really important and I like the idea of us looking in the same direction as we do so." Harry looked down at her and smiled. Her heart fluttered. He was very handsome. Had he always been that handsome?

Hermione tightened her grip on his arm. "Me too."

She started with the small concerns, listing them off as they walked. Harry had an answer for each one and Hermione could tell he'd been thinking about this for a long time. He'd just finished explaining how they could handle arguments when they reached the park. Harry led them to a path that wound around a small lake.

"Okay," she allowed. "You're right, it's not impossible. It would just require a lot of trust."

"Are you worried about that?"

Hermione shook her head and said quickly, "No. I trust you implicitly."

Harry leaned into her. "Ditto. What other concerns do you have?"

Hermione gulped. She was embarrassed about the next topic, but knew they needed to address it. "That covers off on all the logistical concerns. I guess my next area of concern is - um - sex."

"What about it?"

Hermione could feel Harry's eyes on her, but she kept her gaze forward. "I know we've done it. I don't know how many times. But, uh-" she stopped on the path and finally looked back at Harry. She could feel that her cheeks were flushed but luckily, he wasn't laughing. He was looking at her seriously.

"What?" he pressed.

"Is it boring? Do I just fumble around like it's my first time? People need a healthy sex life and if you feel like you're having sex with a virgin every time, I don't see how-"

Harry cut her off with a kiss. But unlike the kiss they'd shared at Grimmauld Place, this one was - intense. Harry pushed her back until she collided with a tree trunk and pressed his body against hers. He was exploring her mouth so thoroughly, she wondered if he was looking for something in particular.

He had a hand on her rib cage and the other in her hair and she had no idea what to do with her own hands, she was just trying to breathe and take in a lot of different sensations at once: the taste of Harry's tongue against hers, his hands pulling slightly at her hair, the scratching of his stubble against her lips, his thumb resting just under one of her breasts, and the rough bark of the tree against her back.

She stopped thinking as she focused on all the sensations, then her body seemed to take over, moving on its own accord. She lifted her hands to Harry's neck and pushed them under his collar until she was gripping his bare shoulders and pulling him closer. She turned her head and caught his bottom lip in her mouth and bit gently, causing him to let out a low, perfect moan. Then she ground her hips against him and felt his-

She tensed and pulled back. Harry let out a small laugh and placed a soft kiss on her neck before leaning back. He smiled at her, then propped his hands on the tree trunk and whispered in her ear, "Sex with you is never boring." He kissed her cheek, then her jaw, then her neck, which sent chills down her spine. "This feels familiar, doesn't it?"

Hermione nodded, unable to speak. "When we're together, your instincts take over and you know exactly what to do. This concern of yours - that we'd have a boring sex life. Believe me, it's a non-issue."

He gave her a final, chaste kiss on the lips before moving back off of the tree.

Hermione took a moment to catch her breath as she patted her hair. She looked around them but luckily there weren't any people on this section of the path. "If my mum saw me kissing like that in public, she'd be very cross with me. I guess it's a good thing she doesn't remember I exist."

Harry pulled her against his side. "You've developed a very dark humor since your accident. Which I love, by the way. So, let me add - I don't have parents to be upset with any improper behavior, nor did I have anyone telling me what was appropriate for public settings while I was growing up, so you can blame the whole thing on my poor upbringing."

Hermione hit him playfully on the chest. "That was an awful joke."

"You started it." Harry leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Also, if you still don't believe me, I'd be willing to shag as soon as we get back to the house - just to remove any lingering doubts."

Hermione laughed outwardly while inwardly, she felt a fluttering in her lower abdomen. She wanted to take him up on that offer. She wanted to continue that kiss in private. She was a little shocked he'd been able to incite a reaction like that in her so quickly.

"Thank you," she said sarcastically, "That's very generous of you." She put her arm back in his and pulled him back onto the path. They continued walking around the lake while Hermione tried to work up the courage for the next topic.

"I know you have more," he said. "I'm waiting for one concern in particular and I wonder if you're thinking about it right now, as it's sort of related to sex."

Hermione was reminded of a line from the summary she'd read about him this morning. He has this eerie ability to know exactly what you're thinking and feeling. She let out a sigh and said, "Yeah," but she couldn't bring herself to say anything anymore.

"Kids," Harry provided.

Hermione nodded while Harry let out a long sigh. They continued walking, each facing forward while Hermione clutched Harry's arm and sorted through what she wanted to say. When she was ready, she stopped on the path and turned to face Harry.

"So much for facing in the same direction," he quipped.

She smiled. "I need to see your face when we talk about this, so I can see if you're lying."

"I'd never lie to you."

"Good. So you're not going to stand there and tell me you don't want kids, because I know you do. We talked about it during the war. At least two kids, since you were an only child who always wanted a sibling. You want to teach them how to fly, tuck them in each night, and play with them every day. And after they go to Hogwarts, you plan to ignore the underage magic rule and supplement their education with all the useful spells the professors left out, like how to cast a Patronus. And they're going to have loads of good memories to draw from when they learn that spell because you're going to love them completely and give them every happiness you were denied."

Hermione crossed her arms and waited for Harry's rebuttal. He fixed her with a stern glare that mirrored her own expression, then said simply, "I remember. You also want at least two kids, since you were also an only child who always wanted a sibling. You want to read to them all the time and make sure they have a solid understanding of the Muggle world. You want to travel and show them other cultures and when they're back home on holidays from school, you want to send them over to my house for those supplemental lessons."

Hermione wiped away a tear that had fallen before hardening her gaze.

"I don't think your kids will have to travel very far for those lessons," he added softly.

Hermione blinked back more tears that were threatening to fall. "I changed my mind," she whispered. "Something awful happened and I changed my mind. It happens. But don't stand there and tell me you changed yours too, because then you'd be lying."

Harry placed his hands on her arms. "I didn't change my mind and neither did you. You can have kids, Hermione. It will be hard, yes, but I've seen you with Teddy. You have grown incredibly in just the short time you've had with him, and that's just a few times a week with a kid that isn't even yours. But regardless, you know exactly what to do with him and you love him and he loves you. I know with your own kids, those feelings will be even deeper."

"I won't remember them! I won't know their names! I won't know their birthdays, their friends, what games they like. I won't remember their little stories or even what their voices sound like. It would be a disaster and they'd hate me."

"You'd write it all down and I'd fill in the rest. And they would understand your limitations, just as everyone else in your life does. People say parenting is so complicated but it's not. It's hard, that's for sure, but not complicated. All you have to do is love your children and be willing to give them your whole heart. You'd be brilliant at that part."

Hermione closed her eyes and shook her head. But before she could argue again, Harry continued talking.

"But I understand if you ultimately decide you don't want children. Really, I do. And I would honestly be okay with that. I know it's a different dream from the one I had for myself a few years ago but all I really wanted was a family of my own, and who says a family can't have just two people in it?"

"But, Harry. I can't take that away from you. I can't-"

"You're not allowed to make decisions for me, remember? We don't have to solve this now - but can we agree it's not allowed to be a dealbreaker? Because your only concern here is that you're taking something away from me and that's my decision, not yours."

Hermione let out a long sigh. When did Harry get so good at arguing? She placed a hand on his cheek and gave him a small smile. "I hear what you're saying, really, but I don't want you to go into this thinking you'll change my mind. I may never agree to have children with you and if you're thinking you're going to be able to convince me to do so later and I never do, then you'll resent me and we'll fall apart."

Harry regarded her for several moments, then turned his head and kissed the inside of her palm. "Okay. I understand and I wasn't lying before - I'd be fine if it were just you and me. I'd rather be childless with you, than surrounded by seven children with any other witch."

"Really?"

Harry nodded. "Really."

Hermione leaned forward and studied his eyes closely. "You don't appear to be lying."

He smiled and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Because I'm not."

"Okay."

Harry gave her a hug, then put her arm back in his and pulled her to the path they'd abandoned earlier. "So, we're striking that off the list?" he asked.

"Yes."

Harry let out a large sigh of relief. "That's good news. I think that was the biggest one."

They walked around the lake in silence for several minutes, then Hermione turned to Harry and said, "That wasn't the biggest one. I saved the biggest one for last."

Harry turned to her. "Bigger than the kids concern? Wow. Maybe we should sit for this one." He motioned toward a nearby bench and Hermione clutched his arm tightly as they made their way to it.

Harry sat down first and held his arm out so she could snuggle close to him. Once she was seated, he wrapped his arm around her and linked his free hand with one of hers. "Okay, still facing the same direction, so that's good." She smiled as she watched a few ducks fighting in the lake. "Lay it on me," he said, his breath tickling her cheek. "What's your final concern?"

It took her a while to get all the words together in her mind, but Harry waited patiently for her to sort it out. She was reminded of how exceedingly patient he could be. He had a temper, too, but most of the time he was calm and patient. He'd certainly need that if he was going to share a life with her. Hermione turned and kissed the underside of his jaw, then faced the lake again before talking.

"Harry. I know I hurt you very badly and that it got worse and worse over time, but I couldn't see it. That's what scares me most about getting into a relationship with you. The fact that I could cause such damage and not know. What's to stop that from happening again?"

Harry was quiet for a long time and now it was Hermione's turn to be patient. When she turned to look at him, she saw he had his brow furrowed and appeared to be thinking hard. "I let you do that," he said eventually, "cause all that damage, as you put it. You didn't do that alone."

"Why?"

Harry kept his gaze forward, focused on the lake, but Hermione couldn't make herself look away from him as he spoke. "Ron told me this last weekend that because of my messed up childhood I'd convinced myself that I don't deserve a happy ending. He said that was why I wasn't fighting for you. Or - more specifically, why I wasn't fighting for my own happiness."

Harry stopped talking and after several moments of silence, Hermione pressed, "Was he right?"

Harry shook his head. "Not exactly. I was thinking about it all week and part of what he said was right, I wasn't fighting for us. I let you walk away over and over again and never intervened, when I should have, but it wasn't because I didn't think I deserved a happy ending."

Harry finally turned to face Hermione and the look in his eyes was so intense, she almost leaned back. "I didn't think I deserved a happy ending with you."

"What? Why?"

Harry wrapped both of his arms around Hermione and placed his chin on her head. When he spoke again his voice was shaky. "I never put you first. The whole time growing up and in the war, I never picked you. I always sided with Ron and took for granted that you'd always be there. And you were.

"You never turned away from me and when Ron left, you stayed and I barely acknowledged it because I expected you to stay. And when you accidentally broke my wand, I had the gall to be cross with you. And in the final battle, I never told you what I was planning in the forest, but I should have. If there was anyone who deserved to know, it was you."

Harry shifted slightly and turned to her, then placed one hand on the side of her face. "I am so sorry," he continued in a whisper. "And the worst part about it all is that I got better, I did, I finally realized what I had with you but it was too late. And what kills me, more than anything, is that the last memory you have of me, before your accident, is me choosing Teddy over you. Every morning when you wake up and think of me, that's the first thing that comes to your mind."

Tears were streaming down Harry's face now and Hermione lifted her hands and started wiping them away with her thumbs. "I forgave you for that before the accident, Harry. Just ask Ron, I told him about it in Australia. I knew you weren't choosing Teddy over me, you were choosing you. Teddy was an orphan whose parents had died in the war and you saw yourself in him, and that's why you picked him. I knew that and I forgave you."

Hermione snaked her arms around Harry's neck and hugged him tightly. He pulled her close and let out a long breath. "Thank you," he whispered, then said louder, "That's why I let this painful back and forth go on for so long. Deep down, I thought it was adequate punishment for how I'd treated you and I knew I didn't deserve you. I was waiting for you to give me permission to love you, but, well, like you said - you couldn't see what was happening over time."

Hermione pulled back and stared intently into Harry's eyes. "I'm giving you permission now. And if we do this, you have to promise me you won't punish yourself again."

Harry nodded.

"And what you said," she continued, "about me remembering that day at St. Mungo's first thing in the morning, that's not true. When I first saw your letter, my main thought was: Why did he say 'I love you' at the end? What's that about?"

Harry let out a small laugh.

"And when I first saw you in person, my primary thought was: 'Oh good, he's real, I didn't make it all up. And he looks different. And I want to kiss him.'"

Harry laughed again and shook his head. "It's funny you say that. Since that was sort of the point of this." He was rubbing the hand along his jaw.

"The beard?" she asked.

Harry nodded. "At first it was just a stupid thing. Ron, me, and a few of the guys in Auror training grew beards for a month, just, I don't know, for a laugh. But you saw me one day and said, 'Oh, Harry. It's you. For a second I thought you were a different person.' That's when I decided to keep it. Because I wanted you to think that every time you saw me. I wanted you to know that I'm a different person now, because I really am."

Harry placed his hands on either side of Hermione's face. "I'm not that clueless boy who was a really shit friend to you. I've grown into someone who loves you and sees so clearly how remarkable you are. Someone who wants to spend every moment he can with you and who will never take advantage of you again. And, apparently, that man has a beard," he added with a smile.

Hermione smiled back, then leaned forward and kissed said beard before moving her lips to meet his. When she leaned back, she pulled his hands down from her face and linked their fingers together. "You have to promise, Harry. No more. You can't let me hurt you like that again."

"I already promised and I meant it."

Hermione dropped her head into the crook of his neck and took a deep breath. He smelled good, familiar, and she sat there enjoying the sensation for several moments. "That was it," she said after a while. "Those were all my concerns."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

Harry gently pushed her back up to a sitting position. "So now what? Do you - do you still want this? Me? Are you finally sure?"

"I'm sure."

He gave her a beaming smile that nearly took her breath away. At that moment, she knew she'd chosen correctly. There would never be anyone else she loved as completely as she loved Harry. And as impossible as it seemed, he loved her just as much. And things would be hard between them, but for the first time that day, she felt up to the task. They'd been through worse, hadn't they?

"What now?" he asked.

As if in answer to his question, Hermione's stomach roared loudly, causing them both to laugh. "How about lunch?" she suggested.

Harry nodded and stood up from the bench. He held his hand out for her and this time she reached for it immediately. "There's this Indian Restaurant near the house. How does that sound?"

Hermione thought about it. "I don't think I've ever had Indian food."

"Not that you remember."

Hermione nodded as she grabbed his arm. "That's true. We agreed that if we did this, I'd have to trust you, so I guess I'll start now. Yes, let's have Indian food and you can order because I'll have no idea what anything is but I trust you know what I like."

"Actually, you know what you like. You choose the same thing every time. I'll show you."

Hermione smiled up at him. "Will this count as our first date?"

"You know, I think it does. But if it goes poorly, we can just have another one tomorrow."

After a late lunch, Harry and Hermione walked aimlessly around the streets of Muggle London, just chatting, mostly about the time Hermione couldn't remember, since Harry pointed out that at the end of the month she usually reviewed the time she'd forgotten. They found themselves at a different park and sat on a bench as they watched the Muggles for a few hours.

After that, they went to a café for some tea and dessert. It was late by the time they were finished but Harry didn't seem to want to return home. He'd dragged out their visit to the café to two whole hours and now she suspected he was going to suggest they walk some more.

"You seem to be avoiding the house," Hermione said once they left the café and stepped out onto the pavement.

Harry sighed, then pulled her close to him by the elbows and kissed her cheek. "That was the scene of the repeated 'Hermione declares her love for me, then changes her mind and disappears into the night' crime," he explained.

Hermione's chest clenched painfully. She cupped his cheek with her hand and gave a small smile. "I'm not going to disappear into the night. And we can't walk around forever. We're going to have to go back home, eventually, unless you're suggesting we sleep on a park bench like we're homeless."

Harry exhaled slightly. "Probably not a great end to our first date."

Hermione shook her head in agreement. "Let's go home, okay? I need to edit my summary and my letter, right? Make this real?"

Harry nodded but his eyes looked haunted. Hermione knew what he was thinking. She'd probably made this promise to him before, but she'd never once followed through. Tonight was going to be different. She'd show him.

When they returned to Grimmauld Place, they went straight to her bedroom. Hermione took a seat at her desk and conjured a chair for Harry, right next to her. But once he sat down, she stayed facing him instead of turning back to her desk. After a few moments of silence, Harry cocked his head toward the desk and raised an eyebrow in question.

"I don't want to do this," she admitted.

His face fell and she rushed to reassure him, grabbing his legs. "I'm not changing my mind. I just feel tired and my brain is all muddled. I've done so much thinking today and even more walking and all I want to do is take a bath and go to bed. With you," she added with a shy smile.

"Okay," he said warily. Then, with a gleam in his eyes he asked, "Which of those things do I get to do with you? The bed or the bath?"

She gave him a smirk and said in a small voice, "Both. But I'm incredibly nervous at the thought of being naked in front of you, even though I know it's happened before."

He laughed and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "That's fair. But you're gorgeous and have nothing to worry about." He waved back toward the papers on her desk. "But when are you going to do this? If you don't do it tonight, you'll just forget."

"You can tell me tomorrow."

Harry was quiet and she could tell by his expression that he hated the suggestion.

"I'll write myself a short note to read in the morning, and we'll sleep in here, so I can't leave in the middle of the night, and tomorrow, when my mind is fresh, we'll rewrite all the letters. But tonight, let's just focus on us. Please?"

Harry placed his hands on hers, which were still resting on his legs, and said, while looking at their hands, "I'm very scared that you're going to change your mind and then all this will be gone. I really feel like we should get something in writing."

Hermione waited for him to look at her before responding. "We already said that for this to work, I'm going to need to trust you implicitly. You need to trust me, too."

Harry's eyes were swimming with pain and she knew he was remembering all those times she'd made promises to him, then broken them while he was asleep. "I know you have a lot of reason to doubt me, but I'm telling the truth, Harry. I'm not going to leave you tonight."

Harry sighed heavily, then leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes and said earnestly, "I'm giving you everything, Hermione. My whole heart. Please don't break it."

Hermione shifted and placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I won't."

A/N: Oh, Harry. He really is lovely in this story (IMO). I set myself a personal challenge of developing him throughout the story without writing in his POV and I think it turned out well. Hopefully you all agree. In a lot of ways, I think we saw his growth more than we saw Hermione's.

And I know it was odd for Hermione not to write anything down here at the end, but I think she knows how much trust she's lost with Harry and wants to start to build that back. But first, she needs to stay the night...

Anyway, thanks for reading!