Chapter Fifty-Seven

Holding you
Buffy & Spike

A/N I'm going to be doing this one in a slightly different order in the show so I can link up each chapter to a couple. As you know, this is S7E20, there's going to be some m rated stuff in here. I'm getting rid of the fact that Faith and Robin sleep together, you'll see why later.

Sunnydale, the world without shrimp 2003

When Spike and Andrew got back from their mission to the church, Andrew went straight through the kitchen to detail their discoveries but ended up in the toilet. Spike walked through the kitchen. Faith explained that whilst they'd been gone all the electric had been cut from the town. All the lights were out in the house and it'd been Tara and Willow's job to go round and light candles in each room. Xander went around the basement digging for a generator he could hook up to the kitchen. They would still need food even if there was an apocalypse. Spike rolled his eyes much at Andrew as he started to talk about the mission. Andrew had already waltzed over the details but he needed to talk to Buffy.

"Where's Buffy?" He said to the room, looking around at a plight of guilty faces until he settled on the gathering of Dawn, Willow and Tara. Dawn turned her head round to meet his as he stood in the kitchen doorway. His back turned to the hall as they told him.

"She's not here right now." Dawn said, implying she was out somewhere and was investigating something.

"When will she be back?" Spike replied, looking over as Tara stood up to talk to him, she wasn't sure if Buffy would be back or not, she certainly wasn't thinking this was a permanent solution but she wanted him to know the choice they'd made. It felt like her job, her role in some way to be the mother of the group. She thought Spike would trust her, trust their judgement that they made the right call.

"We were having a meeting, a discussion about our disagreements and we decided that Buffy should take some time off. That she doesn't trust us anymore." Tara said softly, pacing her words so she didn't stutter, it'd been so long since she'd last stumbled but she couldn't, not now. If she did something wrong she didn't know how Spike would react.

"Uh-huh." Was all Spike said, Tara retreated slowly behind Willow who had that angry determined look on her face. His eyes scowled the room, landing on individual faces as his calm broke through to annoyed anger. He was annoyed that they'd been so stupid, how could they let Buffy fall through the cracks, they needed her. They all needed her and now their being selfish had pushed her out of her own house. A house she'd had to share and keep up with for years but no they pushed her into the dark. It wasn't that Buffy couldn't handle herself, it was that she didn't deserve to.

Xander stepped forward, his newly adorned eye-patch strapped to his face as he broke away from Anya's grip. Their relationship was becoming more and more obvious but hardly anyone noticed or cared because they were so busy, so determined to end this war that the little things were too small to see. "We all decided." He said slowly, it was his 'brave face' look when he knew he was right over Spike, but he wasn't right. Not by a long shot.

Spike took a moment and a long deep breath before exploding. He chuckled softly as he turned his back to all them, it seemed he was the only one not blinded by jealousy, he saw this as it was. A mutiny. "You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors." He said calmly as he turned around. Xander took a step back a aghast. "Who do you think you are? You're her friends? And you betray her like this." Spike spoke with a truth none of them wanted to hear. Deep down Willow, and Xander, Giles, they felt ashamed that it had come to this. Spike's words rang through them high vibrations, knives cutting into their flesh because it was the truth that hurt the most. They'd been bad friends, let Buffy go because they thought they didn't need her anymore.

"She has saved your lives time and time again, and this is how you thank her. She has died for you."

That's when Faith decided she'd had enough, she was supposed to be in charge of this operation. She stepped towards Spike, sick of the guilt he was trying to give them, sick of Buffy's guilt, of her own, over past actions that were dead and buried. "Save your lack of breath."

"Alright." Was his blunt return as his fist played hooky with her face, knocking her jaw to the side as he punched her, hard. They played each other for the fight, throwing a punch each way as Faith commented on Spike's affections, the others watched on in plight horror as Spike and Faith beat each other through the dining room.

"Where is she?" Spike cried out as Faith threw him across the room, barely. He wanted to know so he could find her, staying in this dump was worthless when all there was here was traitors and blunt enemies.

"I don't know." Faith cried out in retaliation. She really didn't know where Buffy had gone, in the very least she didn't care. She hadn't the thought to wonder, they all knew Buffy could handle herself so they didn't worry about it. Spike had had enough, that was his limit, they couldn't even care to ask where she was going. Willow looked on in slight shock and horror as Spike slammed the door behind him and strutted down the path. Willow pushed herself past Tara and the others to the front door, screaming after him.

"She went that way. That's all I know." She said panting as she caught up with him, not grabbing her coat she knew she wasn't going to follow him. Maybe she just wanted him to know she still cared; or to prove it to herself.

"Go back inside red." Spike replied - not looking at her, but taking the road she'd pointed at. He knew what she was doing but he trusted the information, she was trying. At least trying to make it up.

Buffy found herself a mostly abandoned house, shooing out the man inside until she collapsed herself on the bed. She was going to sleep, sleep would take her away from the mess and she wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. He found her curled up in the foetal position, covered over in the bed with a coat. She looked so alone.

She sat up softly with his arrival, it was nice to see him. She wasn't bitter that he was the only one who'd backed her she was just glad he was here with her. He understood her in a way no one else did. They'd been through the same things, battled the same inner demons. So had Angel but it was different with him, he was like her Romeo, all she saw when she looked at him was deep love and a fairy tale. Which sounds like a lot, but when she looked at Spike, she saw something real. Something that made her want him there all the time. It wasn't quite a lust - although that was part of it. It was a truth, that she could be honest and shy and weak with him and it didn't matter because he believed in her.

They talked for a while, about the little things. About Faith and the girls and death. He sat beside her on the bed, not quite touching, but close. "I knew I was gonna lose some of them, and I didn't even learn their names." Buffy said, she was talking about the potentials, how cold she'd been with them, distant. The casualties of war. It was wrong to her that they were talking about wasting lives, she knew some of them would die and in trying to treat them as individuals, she'd done the exact opposite. Carved them into her mind as a group, a collective.

She stood up, waving her hands around as she ranted. It was a rant she needed to have with someone, and she knew Spike would listen. He was here after all. "You know what? I'm still making excuses. I've always cut myself off. Being the slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me and I always pushed them away. You know that." She pointed at him and he smiled loosely.

"I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting." And he did. He remembered all of it, perk of having a soul. It stayed with him, every last memory, all that time they were together, even if it felt wrong to her. He always knew that, and it cut him but not too deeply. He knew in a way that she would always belong to Angel. There was nothing like first love, but if she chose to stick with him then it was all worth it because he was the guy she picked, the one she wanted over him.

"You just wanted me because I was unattainable." Buffy replied, classically folding her arms and glancing into the realms of the carpet. Spike's eyebrows knitted together as she stood up beside her.

"You think that's all that was? Hang on a minute. I've hummed along to your pity ditty, and I think I should have the mic for a bit." He said, taking centre stage in front of her as she sat back on the bed.

"Fine, stage is yours, cheer me up." Buffy replied.

"I'm not trying to cheer you up. I just reacted. You listen to me," Spike knelt down in front of her, clutching at her hands as he spoke an honest truth. "I've been alive a lot longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I wish you wouldn't. I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls, but you know what? There's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You." He stops, pauses - peers into her large green eyes and squeezes her hand a bit tighter. He goes to cup her cheek but she shies away from his touch, she doesn't want his skin on her, where the bruises are. Where the hurt leaks in.

"Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you or can't have you. It's got nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand with perfect clarity who you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one Buffy." He says it with perfect clarity in his voice, his tone just soft enough. There are tears running down her face in streams as she feels the reality of his words hit her like an ice pick.

Her voice cracks as she speaks, her lip trembling. "I don't wanna be the one." He smiles at that, his eyes are tired and old but his face lights up like Christmas lights. Somehow she's playing with him. Still, after all this time and they still get each other.

"I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic, we all have our crosses to bare." She chuckles, bringing a hand up to wipe her eyes and she ushers him over to the bed. He stands slowly as she leans back, he turned to leave but she stopped him. Pulling his eyes back to hers as she peers into him, studying his whole face, each line etched on his forehead even the scar through his eyebrow. All of it, she wanted him with her. She wasn't ready for him to not be around yet. So she said.

"Will you just hold me?" It was a question, one he would never deny her because how could he? This was Buffy, the one. He didn't say anything in reply, just walked towards her and the bed and brought her into his arms. Her head clutched into him and her arms tucked around him, he felt her warmth and tears flow into him like gentle comfort. He was giving it all back to her. Just to feel her, all that energy she was keeping in, it was leaking all over him. That she'd allowed him this, this time to just be with her at her worst and hold her, it was a privilege.