Author's Note: Buckle up for some serious drama, folks. This might be my favorite chapter so far.
This chapter is dedicated to wil02, a dedicated reader who really understands what I've been trying to do with these characters. I hope these scenes fulfill your wishes, friend!
Aang and Katara cuddled on the couch in his suite in the palace the evening after the coronation anniversary ball.
"Can you believe it's been a whole year since Zuko's coronation?" She mused.
"It feels like the time has gone by so quickly. Probably because we've been having so much fun." He squeezed her around the middle. "And that means it's been about a year for us too."
She returned his smile. "It does. I think I mentioned that traditionally, in Water Tribe courtship customs, there's a one year check in."
He sat up, eyes wide, suddenly serious. She had his complete attention.
"We are solidly, deeply in love, we trust each other, and we want to be together long-term. Indefinitely." She began.
"Absolutely." He agreed. That was a bit of an understatement, though. He thought they'd said forever.
"So, given all that, I was thinking we don't need to have any rules between us any more." She told him in a clear, practical tone of voice. "Nothing that's strictly off limits. But we do still need communication."
"You mean, no more taking things slowly? We're just tossing out the rules of no sex and clothes stay on? Everything is on the table?" Aang questioned, startled. He had a feeling of vertigo, of out of control acceleration.
"Everything is on the table for discussion." She clarified. "Because if we're not mature enough to talk openly to each other about taking a new step in our relationship, then maybe we're not mature enough to take that step."
"That makes sense." He nodded slowly, "And we can always decide not to."
"Of course. No justification necessary. We can still move slowly if we decide that's what we want. It always has to be totally mutual. If either one of us has a single reservation, we just wait."
"So anything goes, as long as we talk about it first?" He restated his understanding.
"Basically." She shrugged. "But we should talk about it fully clothed, in cold blood. Not when we're...worked up. And it's probably best to wait at least a day between the talk and the...action. To be sure."
"Yeah, that's good."
"Are you ok with this?" She asked, afraid for a minute that she might be pushing him into something he wasn't ready for. "Would you prefer hard and fast rules?"
"No, this is good." He touched her arm, eager to ensure she didn't take it back or retreat. That was the last thing he wanted. "I like to know what you're going to be ok with when we start...spending time together, and this way I'll know that. Communication is always good. It's just...a little overwhelming." He sheepishly explained his reaction. "I can't believe we're actually talking about having sex someday."
"Well, we're talking about talking about it." She cautioned. "But I think I know what you mean. It's a big deal. At the same time, though, wasn't this always leading there?"
"I guess so." He shrugged. "It's what people do when they're in love. Maybe it will always be overwhelming, even after we've been doing it a while. I kind of hope it is." With her, he felt sure it would be.
"Me too. But I also hope it'll be like, just another Tuesday night."
Grinning at the thought, he leaned in to touch his forehead to hers. She gave him a peck on the lips, and they settled into a new, closer cuddling position, with her head on his shoulder.
"How will we know when it's time?" He wondered, his voice soft.
"I go back and forth between feeling like I'm ready now and feeling like I'll never be ready." She confided. "Which is why I think maybe readiness isn't the question or issue we need to think about."
"Then what is?"
"Maybe….." she thought back to how she'd decided to kiss him at the tea shop, and struggled to put the idea, the feeling into words. "When waiting any longer suddenly becomes impossible. Or just….pointless. And I think I'm not at that point yet."
"Ok. Then I'm not either." He answered simply.
"We don't need a reason to say no, but maybe we do need a reason to say yes." She went on, squinting into the distance philosophically. "And I think if I knew the right reason to say yes, then that's how I'd know it's time. And I don't know yet, so that means it's not now. Does that make any sense?"
"Surprisingly, yes." She raised her eyebrows at him, making him blush. "I mean, yes, it makes sense, not yes…."
"I know, sweetie."
For a couple of minutes they just rested in each other's arms. Then he realized she'd just given him an opening and permission to ask for something that had preoccupied his thoughts since the night of the fireworks. Gathering his courage, he began, "So I was thinking….."
"Yeah?" She was a little surprised at his boldness. She hadn't expected him to request more from her immediately, but she was curious about what he wanted.
"The thing that we did the other night on the rooftop, with me touching you? I'd like to do that with no clothes. I mean, we could still wear pants and your skirt, just nothing on top."
"I think I'd enjoy that." She answered coyly.
"And...maybe not just my hands?" He looked like a little kid begging for a treat.
"You'd like to kiss me below the neck?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
He nodded, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted.
"And above the waist?" She specified.
He blinked. He'd known that kissing below the waist was a thing, but now he understood that even that was potentially an option. But rather than letting himself get distracted by the idea, he focused on what he was asking her for now. "Yes. Above the waist." He repeated.
She smiled. "Ok. Removing shirts and touching and kissing between the neck and waist is now allowed. And would you be topless too?"
He shrugged. "If you want me to be. But that's not new."
"Both of our bare skin touching-that would be new." She pointed out.
He swallowed. "I guess it would be. But I'd like that."
"I'm sure I will too."
"But we shouldn't start right now, because we just talked about it."
"Right."
"What about Sokka and your dad and people like that?" He wondered.
"We should be discreet, because it's none of their business." She asserted. "That's not really the same as sneaking around. And since we're talking about removing clothes now, it would be considerably more embarrassing if we get caught, so we'll have to be careful."
"Definitely." He shuddered at the thought of Sokka, or worse, Hakoda, seeing him with a topless Katara.
She took a deep breath and got ready to change the topic. "So the one-year check in custom I told you about, it's actually not just between the couple. It's supposed to be a lot more formal than the conversation we just had."
"Yeah?" He sat up and pulled away enough to look at her.
"Basically, there's a meeting between a couple and both of their parents after they've been courting for about a year. Sometimes it's the first time the parents meet each other." She explained. "It's called testing the knot. The name comes from sailing knots. You have to pull them and stress them to make sure they're secure and strong."
"Ok. What does the meeting involve?"
"The parents ask the couple questions about their plans, and their relationship, and decide if they approve or not, if they think the couple makes a good match, and if they're compatible and will be able to last." She didn't tell him that usually the purpose was to get a couple to declare their intentions toward each other, and that often they emerged from the meeting engaged.
"Sounds kind of nerve wracking."
"It can be." She admitted, a little chagrined to make him jump through this hoop for her. "Sometimes if the parents decide they don't like the answers, they tell the couple to break up. If they don't think they're serious enough about each other, or if they don't have good plans, or can't communicate well."
"Does that happen often?"
"Often enough that everyone in the South knows someone it happened to."
"Do couples ever defy their parents if they're told to break up?" He wondered.
"Sometimes. But it doesn't often work out well when they do. They usually have to move to a new village, where they don't know anybody, and don't have the same support network. And as often as not, the parents are proven right."
"So your dad is going to want to have this kind of talk with us?"
"Yeah. He's here for the anniversary celebration, so he wanted to meet with us before he goes back to the South."
"Just the three of us? I don't have any living relatives…"
"Yeah, just us, unless you want...Zuko or Iroh or Bumi or someone else to sit in for you?"
Aang shook his head emphatically.
"Gran Gran might have come to take my mom's place, but she couldn't make it."
"What will he want to talk about?"
"He's definitely going to ask if we're in love, so that was one reason I wanted to make sure we said it to each other first, before this meeting. I didn't want the first time to be in front of my dad."
"I'm glad we did."
"Me too." They grinned at each other for a minute.
"Do you think he's going to ask about….if we've had sex?" Aang asked awkwardly. The subject was on his mind from the talk they'd just had.
"He might. He'll probably assume we haven't, and tell us we shouldn't. I'll handle him if it comes up; you just keep quiet on that topic."
"That's probably best." He nodded. "What would you say?"
"I'll try to acknowledge his feelings about the matter, while avoiding making any concrete promises. Because it's really not up to him." She took a deep breath, gathering her courage to bring up a harder subject. "He'll also probably ask about marriage, so I thought we should decide how to answer beforehand. I'm old enough to get engaged, but you're not, so he doesn't expect that anytime soon. But he will want to hear it's at least a possibility." She looked down, almost ashamed of what she was going to ask him to do. "I think it would be easiest if you just lie and say you're considering it. It would buy us some time at least."
His mouth opened in shock. He was a little hurt, even. "But I am considering it," he told her.
Her brow wrinkled as she looked at him. "I'm confused. You told us Air Nomads didn't get married."
He shrugged. "I've accepted a long time ago that I'm the last of my people, so I have to conform to the other cultures I find myself in, and follow their customs."
"But you shouldn't have to do that!" She protested. "Since you're the last Air Nomad, it's all the more important that you should be able to uphold your traditions and live the way your people always did." There were other reasons she felt wary about it too, but this was the easiest one to talk about.
"But the fact that we didn't get married wasn't like, central to our philosophy or anything like that. It wasn't like nonviolence or vegetarianism. It wouldn't change who I am. It's more like," he searched his head for an analogy. "How in the South Pole you wear heavy furs because it's cold, but you wear lighter clothes when you travel to another part of the world. That doesn't violate your beliefs, or make you any less a member of the Southern Water Tribe."
"I can't believe you'd compare marriage to a change of clothing." Katara shook her head at him in disbelief.
"I guess I just don't know what marriage really means." Aang shrugged, perplexed. "I didn't grow up surrounded by a bunch of married couples like you did. I've never observed one up close long term."
"Then how do you know you want to consider marrying me?" She challenged.
"I just know I want to make you happy." He stated, without the least affectation. "I already told you I would make any compromise to make you happy."
So that was what he had meant when he said that. She shook her head. "But I don't want you to marry me if you see it as any kind of compromise."
"But you want to get married, so if we don't, then you're the one compromising." He pointed out.
Katara paused for a second while she considered denying that she wanted it, telling him that she'd changed her mind. But the only way to explain that would be to bring up the need for more airbender babies than she could provide, and that was something she really didn't want to talk about. Better to be strategic and focus on his culture, depend on his lack of familiarity with her customs, than to bring up a really explosive, upsetting issue. "That's fine. That's better than if I make you marry me against your will."
"It wouldn't be against my will. You wouldn't be threatening me or anything, obviously."
"But if it's anything less than what you want for yourself, for its own sake, then I don't want it."
She obviously did, so he didn't understand why she was fighting this way. "Well, it's clearly important to you, so if you insist-"
"I don't want you to marry me because I insist!" Her voice rose in anger.
Surprised and hurt by the vehemence in her tone, by her not understanding that that wouldn't be the only reason, he recoiled as if she'd hit him. He had no words to respond as they looked into each others' eyes, both confused and distressed.
Finally she turned away. "I guess it doesn't matter now. We have years to figure it out. All that matters now is that we have a plan for talking to my dad tomorrow."
"It's tomorrow?"
"Yeah."
"Then if he asks, I'll say I'm considering it, and it won't be a lie." He said stubbornly. "Unless I can say we're considering it. That would be better."
Her heart caught. That was what made this so hard, that she wasn't just considering it, but wanted it passionately, when they didn't have the same understanding of the issue and what it meant, or why she couldn't allow it. When it was an impossible dream, a promise he couldn't afford to keep. She just knew she was already sick of fighting with him about it. She looked away. "Yeah. You can say that."
"Are we ok?" He asked, touching her shoulder and stroking his hand down her arm.
"Yeah," she answered softly, taking his invitation and leaning into him. For a few minutes they just held each other, calming down and taking comfort.
"Want to get ready for bed?" He whispered.
"Yeah," she said, pulling away. She kissed his cheek. "Good night." She went to the door.
"Wait, you mean—you're not sleeping here?" He asked, bereft. They had spent every night together since the play.
She swallowed. "I think I need a break tonight, if that's ok. I'll see you tomorrow for dinner with my dad."
He nodded. "Of course it's ok. Good night."
The newly constructed Water Tribe embassy building made Katara feel at home, with its furs and traditional hangings. Hakoda served some of his daughter's favorite foods, including some preserves he'd brought with him from Gran Gran's kitchen.
They caught up with news from the South Pole, where there had been a rash of weddings between the recently returned sailors and the young women of the tribe. The chief anticipated a baby boom to begin in the next year; several couples were already expecting. This discussion set the stage nicely for the conversation Hakoda was hoping to begin with his daughter and her boyfriend.
"Katara, you probably guessed why I wanted to see you two together tonight?" He asked after they'd finished their dessert, a fruit tart that he had heard Aang would like.
"Yes." She took Aang's hand under the table.
He turned to the airbender. "Aang, did she explain to you about the tradition we call 'testing the knot'?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then." He leaned back, smiling at them and raising his arms at them in an almost jolly way. "Is this love?"
"Yes," they both said, turning red and squeezing their fingers.
"I thought so. I had an inkling this would happen, back when I watched you caring for him on that ship, Katara. And now, the way you look at each other, it reminds me of Kya. Your mother." Hakoda's eyes crinkled as happy memories melded with sadness.
Katara's throat tightened at the idea, and she touched her necklace unconsciously. It panged her to know that her mother would never meet Aang.
Then her father broke her reverie with an unexpected question. "Have you two thought about whether you'll have children someday?"
Katara's eyes widened and mouth dropped in shock. She hadn't prepared for this! Her heart seized at the way this question threatened to pry open that box she had been working so hard to keep shut. She glanced helplessly at Aang, who looked almost as lost. Both seemed afraid to speak without knowing what the other would say.
Hakoda broke the silence. "Aang, why don't you answer first."
He looked solemnly back at the chief. "I want to be with Katara even more than I want to have children. So if she doesn't want to, that's fine."
Shocked at this answer, she jumped on him. "How can you say that? Now that the war is over, there is nothing more important for restoring the balance of the world than bringing back the Air Nomad civilization! That's your job, as the last airbender, and as the Avatar!"
"I think I'm the one who should get to decide that, right?" Aang objected, perplexed at her earnestness. "To determine which sacrifices are worth making for my people's future, and which ones aren't?"
The young couple spoke over each other, as their arguments crossed in the air.
"You have a duty to the world-"
"I think I've already done my duty-"
"A duty to your people-"
"And I know that my people would never have expected me to-"
"Katara!" Hakoda's deep voice spoke over them both, silencing them. They turned to him, eyes wide. "Aang answered the question, but you haven't. Do you want to have children someday?"
"Well, yes, I've always wanted to be a mother," she said quickly, almost offhand. Then she looked down, and went on, getting more and more upset. "But I'm only one woman, and there's always a chance of infertility. I've seen women who want a baby so badly, but their bodies just don't cooperate for some reason. They try for years, and nothing happens, or, worse, they have miscarriage after miscarriage…"
"But I only want one woman," Aang cut her off. "and like I said, our relationship is more important to me-"
"But if I can't-"
"Katara," her father interrupted again. "Do you have any reason to believe you may be infertile?"
The practicality of the question made her feel silly, as if she were merely imagining the problem. "Well, no," she admitted, "But most women don't know until they start...uh, trying." She awkwardly tried to explain the inherent impossibility of knowing such a thing for sure, at this stage. She looked down, blushing at indirectly acknowledging that she was still a virgin.
"I don't care if you are infertile, I'm the one who would have to-you know!" Aang broke in passionately. "I can't believe you'd be ok with that!"
"I would hate it," The anguish in her face showed exactly how much. "But I would hate it even more if you really were the last airbender, and it was my fault!"
They were all silent, as the men finally seemed to appreciate her dilemma. Mortified, Katara dropped her face into her hands. "I can't believe we're fighting at our knot-testing." she muttered despondently.
Hakoda started chuckling. The teenagers stared at him in disbelief. Katara's anger started to turn toward her father, who she felt was mocking her. But when he spoke, it drained away.
"I couldn't be more pleased with what I see here, even though your communication could use some work." Seeing the teenagers' confusion, the chief explained. "You're both trying to put the other first. Offering what you think the other wants, without listening to what he or she actually wants. It seems to me like you both really want the same thing." He paused, and they looked at each other, hopeful, barely breathing. Finally he had to say it for them. "You'd like to have children together someday."
"More than anything," Aang murmured, not looking away from Katara, who was turning bright red.
"Well….." Hakoda began warily, breaking the spell.
Aang turned swiftly to him, eyes wide and palms up, as if to prove his innocence. "Not for a long time, of course."
"Exactly. Another five or ten years? I'm not ready to be a grandfather yet."
The young couple quickly agreed. Considering his job done, Hakoda changed the topic to the colonies, where he knew they planned to travel soon. Then they discussed Hakoda's return trip, his visit to Kyoshi Island in a few months, and the possibility of Appa flying all of the teens to the South Pole within the next year. They said good night with hugs, and then Aang took off with Katara on his glider for their short flight back to the palace.
Aang landed on the balcony outside his suite, making sure Katara's step down was smooth and easy. With a sensation of relaxation, he sprawled on the couch. His girlfriend took a seat near him, her posture more tense. That box inside her was halfway open. She wanted to close it again, but was afraid she wouldn't be able to.
"Your dad didn't ask about marriage at all," Aang mused. After fighting with Katara about whether they would marry, he hadn't even had the chance to tell her father what they'd agreed on. It made him feel both deflated and relieved.
Probably because it never even occurred to him that a couple that is in love and wants to have children together wouldn't get married, Katara thought to herself. She didn't think her father's failure to ask that crucial question meant that he would approve of them remaining unmarried forever. She sighed, "Small mercies."
"He didn't ask about sex either." Her boyfriend noted. He had been glad to escape the awkwardness of that topic. "Uh, not directly, anyway."
"Probably because I basically admitted we haven't done that yet." She reminded him. "And because he knows if he tried to assert his authority over our relationship in that way, it would start a big fight with me."
"In a way, the question he did ask is the more important one anyway." Aang ventured.
"I suppose so. But I can't believe we just had that conversation with my dad!" Katara cringed in remembered humiliation.
"It could have been worse." Aang pointed out. "I think he actually helped us through it."
"Yeah, I guess he did."
"What he said about how we were both trying to put the other first—maybe that also applies to the fight we were having before about marriage." Aang realized.
She thought for a minute. "Yeah. It might. Because we're both willing to compromise."
"It's like we're fighting each other to be the first to throw ourselves under a train to rescue the other, or something!" He joked.
She crossed her arms. "So in that analogy, getting married is like a disaster you're willing to subject yourself to, in order to save me."
"Exactly!" Aang's expansive hand motion signaled agreement. "So that you wouldn't have to go through the worse disaster of not getting married!"
She made a gesture as if she were rolling her eyes with her entire body, moaning an exasperated ugh! and dropping her head in her hands.
"I'm sorry!" He held up his hands to plead his innocence. "I feel like I've been talking about it all wrong, and accidentally offending you, and I know what that's like, to have someone misunderstand your culture. So I apologize. This is probably why we both avoided talking about it for so long."
He was partially right: it was one reason. Katara sighed. She knew she wasn't really being fair to him. "I know I've been oversensitive about it, and I'm sorry for that."
"Most of the problem is just that I feel like I don't understand marriage." He admitted. "What makes it different from the couples I knew in the Air Temple who just lived together without making a big deal of it? What's the point of a wedding anyway? The idea of a public ceremony seems kind of….exhibitionist to me. I've never observed a marriage up close for years on end, the way you did growing up. Sure, I've been around a few married couples in the past year or two, but not for long enough to understand what it means."
"That makes sense." She nodded, understanding him. "I'm sorry I didn't think about that. Of course you feel that way, given your life experiences."
"I'm open to learning more about it." He offered. "Just like I've noticed you reading about my past lives and about Air Nomad history and culture."
If she'd known that, it would have saved her so many sleepless nights in the past year. But now there was a larger reason she no longer wanted to get married, and it would be better if he knew that before he got himself too invested in the idea. Her father had already broached the issue, so the box could not truly be closed again. She knew she had to be honest with him.
Katara took a deep breath. "It's nice that you're open to it, sweetie, but I don't want to marry you."
"You don't?" He looked hurt and rejected, so she had to explain.
She averted her eyes. "Like I was saying with my dad, you are going to have to father a lot of airbender babies. And if you're….doing that, it would be easier for me if we're not married. It would hurt more if you were breaking a promise."
His forehead wrinkled in confusion. "But I just said I wouldn't do that. I couldn't, no matter what."
She sighed. Those words were so sweet, but she couldn't afford to believe them. "But maybe you'll feel differently 20 years from now, especially if I haven't been able to-"
"No, I won't." He shook his head emphatically. "Whether or not we get married, whether or not we ever have any kids, I'm not suddenly going to want to start…..spreading my seed in 20 years. If this is really why you've been fighting me about getting married, saying you don't want me to compromise when you do, then, please, put that aside."
She shook her head sadly. She couldn't put it aside. Instead, she shared a fantasy she'd been having, one that he seemed more open to fulfilling than she'd imagined he would be. "Maybe we can get married when we're old." The thought made her smile in a brittle way, and she touched his hand, eyes wet. "After you've fathered all the airbenders you need to, and you can commit to just me." She looked down. "I only hope I can hold your interest for that long. That you don't fall in love with any of the other women. It would be natural if you did. I'd forgive you. We'll always be friends."
Aang stared at her incredulously. He thought he could feel several tiny explosions in his brain. "WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?!" He yelled. "You think I would ever-" he couldn't utter the words, fall in love with someone else. That was exponentially worse than the suggestion of him sleeping with other women, which was ridiculous enough by itself. She clearly didn't understand him at all.
He found himself pacing frantically, hands on his aching head. He declared vehemently, "The highest principle of my people is to always be true to yourself. And my love for you is the greatest truth of my existence. You expect me to violate that-"
He stopped his rant when he saw her. She was doubled over, covering her mouth to hold in her sobs, tears streaming down her face. He was yelling at Katara and making her cry. Well, was she crying because of him, or because of the situation? Both: he was making a bad situation worse for her with his reaction, and that was unacceptable. He was staring at her and trying to figure out how to fix things when she spoke up.
"I don't expect it or want it, I'm just saying that I would tolerate it." She sounded utterly defeated. "I won't make you choose between me and your people's future." She paused, taking in his devastated face. "You look like I've insulted you."
"You have." The last of his anger vented itself in insisting on the dignity her suggestion had affronted. More than insulting him personally, she'd insulted his love for her, which was worse.
"Then I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You don't deserve that." He sat down next to her again, sighing and rubbing his face. "You're doing exactly like your dad said, trying to put me first, but not listening to what I want."
"Then what is it you want?" She asked, afraid she knew the answer.
"Just you. Only you."
"I want that too, in an ideal world," She admitted. What she really wanted was for a bunch of airbenders to simply appear out of nowhere, so that she and Aang could have a normal family life, with three or four kids instead of an exhausting outsize brood, and no more than the usual pressure to conceive. Since that would never happen, accepting his exclusive love would leave her alone to shoulder an intimidating duty. "But I'm just….scared….of the responsibility."
He nodded. That was completely understandable. He couldn't help letting out some bitterness in sarcasm. "You mean you don't want to be a…..baby-making machine? You don't want sole responsibility for repopulating the world with airbenders?"
"No one woman can! One man could, with the help of lots of women….."
"Well, I officially absolve you of any obligation to take part in any of that." He declared. "As sole representative of my people I can do that. It is not your job. If it's mine, then I plan to shirk it. Let's make one thing clear. If I'm the last airbender, forever, it will not be your fault, or my fault, or anyone but Fire Lord Sozin's fault. Don't take that on yourself. And like I said, my people wouldn't have wanted…..what you're suggesting. It goes against everything they ever taught me about love and relationships. They would rather not be reborn than that I bring them back that way."
She felt dumb. She hadn't known that. How could she have known that? "I'm sorry for not understanding-" She murmured shakily.
He saw her bewildered reaction and sagged in defeat. Again, he was being too harsh. "What are you apologizing for? You're trying to do something nice for me. I just hate that there's all of these expectations on you because of who I am. I'm mad at the situation, and the effect it's having on you." He shook his head, amazed at her. He felt unworthy of the pain she was willing to endure for him. "Why are you even putting yourself through this? Why not just dump me, if you're so determined to maximize the number of airbenders and farm me out to lots of women? Why would you want to be involved in that at all?"
Anticipating this reaction from him, she had contemplated breaking it off. He had confirmed her fear tonight: for him, it was all or nothing. It was long past too late for her to save him from this heartbreak by euthanizing their relationship: he had fallen in love with her over a year before it had even occurred to her that this could be a problem. Now the compromise she had contemplated, sharing him with a few other women to increase the number of airbenders in the next generation, seemed intolerable to him. She had done the moral calculus with a self-serving hand, and decided that as long as there was a possibility that she could give him at least one airbender child, then she wasn't obligated to force him to choose other women by taking herself out of the picture. If she did turn out to be infertile down the road, then that would be the time when she really would need to end things, to give his people a future regardless of what it cost them both. But until that was confirmed, at least they could live for the moment. They could be happy together for years before that ticking time bomb blew up, or hopefully, didn't. Besides, after their recent declarations, choosing to walk away from his love had become absolutely impossible. She was much too weak. And her insight from that night in Ba Sing Se was more true than ever.
"Because my love for you is irrevocable. And that means I'll take what I can get." She answered, insistently.
"But that's how I feel about you too. And I'm not going to let my responsibility to my people get in the way of that. Come here." She fell gratefully into his arms and they took comfort in each other's embrace. They held each other tightly in silence for a few minutes, feeling the tension dissipate.
"Aren't you glad I feel this way about it?" He asked gently, running his fingers through her hair. "That even if you were ok with it, -" No, that was the wrong way to talk about it. She clearly wasn't ok, and wouldn't be ok. She might claim she would tolerate it, but it would torture her, understandably. "Or felt you had to pretend to be ok with it, I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone else for the sake of making baby airbenders? Isn't it a good thing that I would never hurt you like that?" But as he spoke, he realized she was already hurting, even before he'd done anything, even while he made the choice that was supposed to spare her pain. He couldn't fathom how he could possibly fix this.
She sighed. "Well, I didn't expect that you'd be excited about it. I know you do love me, and you wanted to be exclusive. But I'm still worried about the future of your people. I'm willing to take on as much responsibility for that as I can, but I'm only one person, and sometimes a woman's body fails her."
That made a darkly funny, slightly dirty thought pop into his head, so he decided to make a joke to try to lighten the mood. "A man's body can fail him too. If I were with anyone but you, I don't think mine would….uh….function."
She laughed. He didn't think another sound had ever alleviated so much stress.
"Don't get me wrong, I want to bring back my people, and this is the only way I can, with children." He explained. "But I want to be with you so much more that I can't even begin to care about airbender babies. You're my priority. That's why I'm-uh—excited about what we did agree on," he looked at her shyly. "With your dad. What we both want….."
"Me too," she returned his shy smile. His optimism was infectious. "It might be silly of me to worry so much about infertility. Borrowing trouble, my Gran Gran would call it. There was this woman in the Ba Sing Se clinic, and we had no answers for why she hadn't been able to conceive after trying for sixteen years, and all I could think about was how much worse it would be for me in that same situation. She was crying about how much she loved her husband and she felt that she was letting him down, and I told her it wasn't her fault, but at the same time, if he'd chosen someone else, he'd have several kids by now."
"Well, I'd say again that it wouldn't change anything for me, but I don't want to fight about it anymore. Like you said, it's not all that likely to matter." He paused in the middle of stroking her arm. "Were you worried about this? Have you been thinking this way for a while?"
She shifted in his embrace, wrapping her arms tight around his waist and pressing her head to his shoulder. "Yeah." Suddenly he remembered a night on the roof of the Ba Sing Se house. She hadn't wanted to talk then, but she'd held him exactly the same way.
"I'm sorry." He squeezed her back, pressing her into his side. "I wish you'd told me."
"It wouldn't have changed anything." She echoed. "I think I'm always going to worry about it. But maybe I'll feel a little better about it after I've borne you at least 6 or 8 airbenders."
"6 or 8?" He was taken aback. She talked about it like it was a done deal, a complete decision.
"A woman can only have about 8 to 10 children without compromising her own health." She explained. "And my kids are just as likely to be waterbenders."
"So you actually do want me to treat you like a baby-making machine?" He asked incredulously.
"I'm willing to do as much as I can." She stated simply.
"That's amazing!" He was overwhelmed. "It means so much that you're willing to put yourself through that. I mean, I know childbirth is not easy. I remember just listening through the door when you were helping that lady in Ba Sing Se—"
"Nuwa."
"Yeah, Nuwa. I remember how she screamed when she was having her baby. And Nozomi! She almost died! The idea that you're willing to go through all that for me, for my people, multiple times, that's unbelievable."
"Well, it would be for the children, and for myself too. I do want to be a mom."
"You'll be a great mom." He beamed at her.
"I hope so. You'll be a great dad. You're like a big kid yourself."
"Is that what makes a good dad?" He wondered.
"That can be part of it. My dad was always fun to play with when we were little. It was one of the ways he showed us he loved us. And probably the thing we missed the most when he was gone."
"Your dad is pretty awesome."
"I know. I'm lucky to have him."
"I'm lucky too! I mean, I basically said to him, 'I really want to sleep with your daughter,' and he didn't kill me!" Aang exclaimed.
"I think he knows taking you on physically would be a bad idea. He's a trained warrior, but he can't even bend one element, much less four. And he knows I'd take your side too, if he picked a fight about that, so it would be two on one."
"Maybe we should get him to talk to Sokka. Get him to be philosophical about us that way."
Katara realized she hadn't told Aang yet about the conversation she'd had with her brother on Ember Island. "Actually, Sokka basically gave us the go-ahead."
"Really?"
"He practically said he'd look the other way unless we stripped and did the deed in front of him."
"Wow! What changed his mind?"
"Suki explaining the concept of a 'double standard,' and a discussion he had with you, I think."
"Oh." He remembered. "I just told him how serious I am about you, and he said he approves, but there's no rush."
"That's true," she agreed. "There is no rush." She put her head back on his shoulder and they held each other in the quiet for a few minutes.
"So we never have to talk about this again, right?" Aang asked hopefully.
She looked at him like he was crazy. "We're probably going to have to talk about this at least monthly for about 25 years."
"I mean, about me….and other women." He clarified. "You understand that that's off the table."
"I understand that you're saying that now." She acknowledged. "I also understand that the situation may change."
"I told you my stance, and it's not going to change."
"I told you my fears, and they're not going away."
He paused. Her fears were entirely reasonable. It would not be fair of him to dismiss them. "So where does that leave us?" He asked, completely out of his depth. For a moment he was afraid that she was about to break up with him, just at the moment when they'd earned her father's approval.
"I guess we're at an impasse."
"What does that mean?"
"We disagree, and we understand and respect each others' positions, and don't expect them to change." She summed up the situation as she saw it. "But we can still love each other and enjoy being together in the present, and put off dealing with this stuff until we have to."
"Ok. I can do that." He nodded thoughtfully. "I think I even like it. Just-can you be happy that way?"
"I have been." She answered simply.
The idea that she had been content with him for weeks or months, while this pain and anxiety was buried inside her, made his heart hurt. "Oh, Katara. I've been happy too, but I had no idea you felt like this…."
"I'm fine." She insisted. "It's a little better now that we've come to at least this much of an understanding."
For Aang's part, he felt worse than before, but maybe that just meant that her pain was shared now, which was only fair. He had tried to take it off her completely, but she wouldn't let him, and maybe that was impossible anyway. He was used to simple authenticity, uncomplicated positivity, especially where she was concerned, but now she was asking him to segment off some of his feelings, to compartmentalize, the way she'd apparently been doing for quite a while. He didn't like it, but it seemed like the only way forward.
He felt raw and bruised inside, and thought she probably did too. "So that was probably our biggest fight ever." He stated ruefully.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"I guess you don't want to sleep here after such a big fight." Aang looked down apologetically.
"No, I want to," she clung to his robe. "I think I need it even more now."
"Oh, thank goodness." He exhaled his relief. "I do too."
They pulled apart and started getting ready for bed. They took turns in the bathroom. Aang threw his top on a chair and Katara took off her dress, so that she was only wearing her slip and tights. She turned down the bedcovers and climbed in. They held each other silently, facing each other on their sides, and then she turned away from him, keeping his arm around her. He used that arm to pull her closer, so that their bodies lined up, back to front. He kissed her shoulder, the back of her neck. Though they both still felt somewhat troubled, the warm, solid, familiar presence of the other's body soothed them and helped them to fall asleep.
Aang woke before Katara, as usual, but stayed quiet in bed beside her, meditating in place rather than getting up to do his daily contemplation outside. He'd had a plan for this day, before they'd argued, but now he wasn't sure if he should suggest it. He still wanted to, maybe more than ever, but it would be understandable if she'd changed her mind. The part of him that remained dismayed at the revelations of the previous night was determined to put the question to her and make her prove to him that they would be ok. But he recognized some selfishness in that impulse, so he was prepared to restrain himself.
A sunbeam danced through the window onto Katara's face. She stirred, moving a little closer to him. In response, his arms tightened around her. She eased into the waking world, opening her eyes to him with a squint and a smile. Aang loved watching her slowly become conscious of where she was, lying next to him. It was such a privilege to be the first thing she saw each day.
"Good morning, sweetie," she murmured, her voice creaky with sleep.
"Good morning to you." He smoothed her hair away from her face. She rolled onto her back, and he faced her on his side, propping his head up with one hand, while the other reached over her middle. Her fingers found his, and something about the way they interlaced naturally emboldened him. "I had an idea for something I'd like to do today, but it's up to you," he hinted, dragging his hand across her belly, so that his thumb touched the bottom edge of her bindings under her slip.
His touch made her inhale sharply, closing her eyes. When she looked at him again, her gaze was avid, curious. "I think I'm….open to seeing what you have in mind," she answered with a coy smile.
He grinned back at her. Energized, he leapt out of bed. She got up as well, and went to her own room to dress. She met him for breakfast with her hair in its braided ponytail. After eating quickly, they walked Appa's stable and mounted the bison's head. Aang steered his furry friend to the place he'd picked out.
He had found the place when taking Appa out on an exercise run between meetings with Zuko while Katara was working at the hospital. In the woods surrounding the suburbs of the capital, he had been surprised to see a burbling stream with a waist-high waterfall. The trees around the brook bloomed with pink and white flowers, and sunlight streaked through their leaves and petals, creating a dappled effect, as if tiny spirits were dancing on the forest floor.
Katara gasped at the beauty of the secret grove. "Oh, Aang! What a lovely place!" She exclaimed, hugging him.
"You're lovely," he responded, pressing his lips to hers. The kiss, their first since the previous night's fight, quickly grew more elaborate and immersive, until he couldn't go another moment without at least requesting the intimacy they'd discussed a couple of days ago.
He pulled his mouth away and touched the place where the top of her dress wrapped itself around her waist. "May I?" he looked solemnly into her eyes.
"Oh." She swallowed. "Um, only if I can-" she pulled the draped cloth on his shoulder down, so that it fell to his waist and hung there, baring his chest.
One corner of his mouth pulled up, and he dropped his forehead to hers as his fumbling fingers began to work on the ties of her dress. It came undone and she shrugged her shoulders, so that it fell to the ground. She was only in her leggings and bindings now, and she untied those herself, since she knew he wouldn't know how to do it. They stood close, barely breathing. When her bindings were undone, they pressed their bare chests together, each smoothing their hands over the other's back.
"So much skin," he murmured, and then they were kissing. Her lips were sure and firm, betraying no reservations when they opened to him; he sighed, his spine turning to jelly at the removal of all barriers separating their hearts. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, freeing her sides for his hands to run up and down her, from arm to waist.
"I want to look at you," he whispered.
"Aang," she half-protested nervously.
"That's half the point. You've seen me plenty."
"You're right," she pulled away and stepped back, watching his eyes sweep over her. She swallowed apprehensively. It felt strange to display herself so intimately, as much as she trusted him.
"You are glorious." He declared, pulling her back in. One arm around her waist, he slowly covered one breast with his other hand, eyes on hers for permission. Her eyes closed and head fell back. He was overcome seeing her enjoy his touch, and had to kiss her. Their mouths moved languidly together, open and searching. Everything about this moment was perfect. But he knew it could get even better.
He surprised her by breaking their kiss, taking her by the shoulders, and spinning her around, facing away from him. He reached his hands under her arms and touched her breasts from this new angle, making her head roll back onto his shoulder and opening up her throat to him, so he could kiss it. She reached one arm up and behind her to hold the back of his head against her. That angle of her arm changed the way her breast hung against her chest, he noticed. He skimmed his thumbs over her nipples, making her shudder and moan.
Katara had never felt so aroused. She needed to kiss him again, so she turned back around, hands reaching for him beseechingly. She thrust her tongue into his mouth to taste him deeply. But before she could satisfy herself, he pulled away again.
He stomped the ground, and the forest floor beneath her feet lifted several inches so that his face was level with her chest. Suddenly his nose was buried in her cleavage and his hands were pressing the sides of her breasts to his cheeks. She held his shoulders for balance as he turned his head to one side and nuzzled her breast, then kissed her nipple lightly.
"That's ok?" Aang asked, looking up at her.
She nodded rapidly, not wanting him to stop even for long enough to verify consent. "Feels so good, sweetie."
He went a little overboard then, kissing and licking her everywhere from collarbone to navel, squeezing and stroking her silky skin with his fingers. The pleasure made her knees feel so weak that his arm around her back, and her hands on his head and shoulders were all that kept her from falling off her pedestal.
After a while, he felt he'd done too much, gone too far. He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her, spinning her to set her feet back down on the forest floor next to his. He took her face in his hands, focusing on their slow kiss. He had stopped her from kissing him several times, in favor of lavishing attention on her other parts, but now he indulged her, letting her lips lead his, gladly accepting the care she communicated to him this way. Her gentle touch was so different from his lascivious fingers, it made him a little ashamed at the way he'd gotten carried away by his irresistible attraction to her.
"I don't want you to feel used." Aang apologized. "I want you to know this is not just about your body."
"I know that. I don't feel used. I feel adored. Worshipped, even."
"Good. I feel like a supplicant."
"And you know I like your body too, right?"
"You do?"
"Oh, yes. You're muscular, but lean. And your tattoos are very sexy." Katara ran her hands over his biceps and shoulders, then down his chest. "Your turn," she pushed him playfully toward the pedestal. Self-consciously, he stepped up. She put her ear against his chest to hear his heartbeat. Then, experimentally, she kissed Aang in the middle of his sternum, glancing up shyly. Next she licked and sucked one nipple, making him gasp.
"Is that what it feels like for you?" He asked.
"I guess so," she shrugged.
She kissed and caressed his chest and abdomen, more contemplatively and less energetically than he had done to her. Then she made him turn his back to her, and traced his tattoos. Solemnly, she laid her palms against the scar on his spine, recalling the energy she'd expended knitting his flesh back together. Then she slipped her hands around the sides of his ribs and kissed his raw red skin. That was when he pushed the platform back down, so they were on the same level again, and turned around, taking her hands in his.
"You have saved me so many times, in so many ways," he whispered in grateful wonder.
"I was only saving myself. You are my whole heart." It occurred to her that he might be rescuing her in return, again, right now. Happy tears pricked her eyes. "We're going to be ok, aren't we?" Katara asked, hope winning out over fear, at least for the moment.
"We love each other. There's nothing stronger than that. Nothing more important." Aang assured her.
The warm breeze brushed their skin, teasing their noses with the scent from the flowering trees, while the continuous rumble of the waterfall filled their ears. It was as if all of nature were affirming them, promising that, yes, all will be well.
Author's Note: I hope these scenes were as satisfying to read as they were to write, as dramatic as they are! Please leave me a review and tell me your favorite part.
To be clear, this story is meant to be consistent with Legend of Korra canon. Just because Katara is willing to bear up to 10 children doesn't mean she's going to. Fate would not be so kind to her. Please let me know if you have any questions about this, or any other part of the story.
In some ways this chapter concludes book 2 of the story. I am hard at work on what I think of as book 3. There are about 6 transition chapters focused on politics and Zuko, a leap forward in time about a year, and then the real adventure begins. If you're not already subscribed for weekly updates, click that button!
Thank you for reading!