Kill Your Ghosts

A retired avenger and tired medic find their way back to each other again.

(Sasuke confides in Sakura over two bowls of ramen and a luminous crescent moon.)

Notes: First fic of sorts, please try to ignore the possible grammatical errors lurking in this manifestation of all my SasuSaku feelings. Reviews and favs are greatly appreciated! Thanks!

–

"I'll help kill your ghosts, the cobwebs of your past, the demons that haunt your waking thoughts, the pale faces covered in pools of blood in your nightmares."

–

Days of long drawn pauses, hesitant touches and stark silences between Sasuke and her were nothing compared to three years of hoping, searching, losing and breaking. Haruno Sakura could shrug it off. Several other things frequented her thoughts instead (Ino with bleary blue eyes tired from crying, hospital shifts, patients she's lost, patients she's saved, Naruto and his contagious smile, her parents sick with worry) although the dark-haired avenger was never far from it.

There were times when the passage of time weighed heavily on her mind. Sometimes she catches sight of a young girl with silky pink tresses, her eyes creased and her smile wide – a girl who had loved easily, helplessly and never lost. When Sakura focused on her reflection again, she saw how her loss has now defined her, in her short choppy locks, wary eyes, blemished skin and calloused hands. She is turning eighteen soon but she feels much, much older. Standing before her, reflected in the mirror, is the Sakura of the present, not the past or future – a talented kunoichi, capable medic, the fifth hokage's disciple and a girl who had loved, lost and still found it in her to love again.

Sakura knows loss now. She sees it in the eyes of people who had lost their homes, she can hear the silent cries of those whose loved ones had perished (Ino silent at her father's grave; Hinata's tear-stained face after Neji's funeral; Ten Ten's resolve faltering before her as Sakura embraced the crumbling girl) and worse of all, she can smell it. The coppery tang of blood and lingering musk of death had accompanied her all the way from seven months ago, in the medical tents and the battlefield overrun with the dead and the dying. She had wrestled with death and on many accounts, lost. The memories of the shinobis that had died on her, the struggle of their last breaths and strained last words paralyzed her in moments when she least expect it.

The pink-haired kunoichi remembered the first few months after the war where she was her most vulnerable. The first time she had dealt with so many dead bodies. Naruto had comforted her serveral times. The hero of the village, a blonde shining savior, Naruto was at the front lines of the battle, with his steely resolve and his sunshine yellow aura. He had (thankfully) been far from where death dawdled. He cannot understand the tears that comes suddenly to Sakura's eyes or the tremors that would not stop. Sometimes, he tries to empathise with the dull ache weighing down her heart, he loves to talk and he loves to relate but mostly, he knows Sakura prefers his silent companionship. So, he sits with her until the tears have dried and the trembling has ceased. He holds her hand because he needs her to know that her place is here, in this new Konoha and not in the ruined medical tents of a battle site where a harsh war was fought seven months ago.

Seven months after the war, Sakura still cries as frequently – it is an instinct she can not shrug off and she makes no attempt to. It is an echo of her childhood self and a testaemnet of her unwavering heart. Sometimes, the tears come for those lives she had failed to save, other times, she cries with Ino when her best friend tries so hard to be infallible, unbreakable leader but the reminders of her father and sensei are everywhere and not surprisingly, she cries for the last Uchiha in the world. (She had read all the reports available on the Uchiha clan and its massacre; even the secrets ones hidden behind safes and locks, Tsunade-sama doesn't know and Naruto and Kakashi-sensei do not bother telling her, she learns of Sasuke-kun's past on her own, in a dark stuffy corner.)

Team 7 was whole again but the dark-haired avenger was still absent.

Naruto had easily assumed things would fall into perfect place with Sasuke's return but his idealism had gotten the better of him. Konoha had welcomed him back as a hero, the villagers knew his name and acknowledged him with smiles, Tsunade was willing to groom him for the Hokage position but Sasuke was...not how Naruto remembered him to be. He stayed in the Uchiha manor with Kakashi and an ANBU squad keeping a strict watch on him, under Tsunade's orders of house arrest. Sasuke spent his days quietly and mostly by his lonesome self. Kakashi's attempt at conversation with Sasuke were often futile. The Uchiha was spiraling deeper into himself, he was not looking ahead anymore, his eyes were focused on the mistry irretrievable past. All that talk in the battlefield uttered along Naruto's side had withered and revealed the skeleton of a boy who had endured loss after loss.

He was the only Uchiha left in this world.

–

Even after Tsunade finally allows Sasuke out of the Uchiha manor for brief periods of time, he never leaves. Sasuke preferred companions in the form of his own thoughts and the ghosts of his family. He stayed that way before Naruto made it his personal responsibility to drag the forlorn Uchiha out on days where the Team 7 that Sasuke had left behind (again) was free from their missions and obligations.

Their meetings at Ichiraku Ramen were more or less the same. Naruto continually teased Sasuke with fervor about his rival's proclaimed goal of becoming the Hokage. It was a pathetic attempt to reignite the fire that had been extinguished within the boy. "I can beat you to becoming Hokage, Sasuke!" "Teme, you are the worst candidate for Hokage…ever." Kakashi made small talk between reading Icha Icha Paradise and slurping his ramen. "The weather's good today, isn't it?" And Sakura, with tears that came too easily, a smile that broke faster than before and a heart that wouldn't stop loving, she sat by him in silence offering smiles and reassuring touches on his arm and shoulder, because she did not know how to comfort Sasuke with words.

–

It was well into a year after the war and Sasuke's return to Konoha when Sasuke and Sakura talked beyond the constraints of three vacant syllabus or non-committal sentences. They were both alone at Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto had gone along with Kakashi to Kumokagure on a diplomatic mission. (Kumokagure's elders and the Raikage had not been too happy about Tsunade's decision to keep Sasuke alive afterall and who best to convince Raikage-sama and his brother, Killer Bee, other than the blonde jinchuriki?)

Sakura ordered for the two of them, having memorized Sasuke's order by heart. He made no objections and sat silently beside Sakura. The space between them felt pregnant with silence, having been devoid of the noise that usually came with Naruto's chatty self. In an attempt to break the silence, Sakura tried to speak, but when she opened her mouth, no words came out. She had always been uncomfortable with small talk and around Sasuke, it proved even more so difficult. An assortment of conversation topics flooded her mind but nothing left her lips. Here, alone with him, she was truly at a loss of what to say. A year before, she had been burning with questions and trembling words but now she had nothing, no words for the boy beside her. And when she catches him staring at something beyond her, something beyond him even, something that he had lost and would never recover, she forces herself to smile lest the tears come again. Sakura recognizes that distant look and she can feel his sorrow escaping from his skin and diffusing into the air between them. She knows loss now, her own brand of it but she knows little of Sasuke's loss. They are barely an arm's length apart from one another but Sasuke and Sakura are separated by a vast, seemingly infinite distance, of decades, of a string of events following one after another, of a boy and his family soaked in tragedy and of Sakura who does nothing but eat her ramen, controlling her shaking hands.

They remained by their lonesome selves thrice more over the next two weeks while Kakashi and Naruto were still away. Sai dropped by randomly once but it was mostly just the two of them, a tired medic and a retired avenger, eating hot ramen on the chilly winter nights of Konoha. Sakura was beginning to wonder whether these little dinners with Sasuke were worth the effort. Her work at the hospital was wearing her out and as much as she loved this dark-haired silent block in the form of Sasuke (haha), some nights, she would rather be in bed than with the broken shell of Uchiha Sasuke and a nauseatingly full bowl of ramen.

But she doesn't leave for home. Not even when her heart feels tired and her body is this close to collapsing. Her boots continued in the direction of the Uchiha manor as though by instinct and memory. She had made a promise to herself and Naruto. The pink-haired kunoichi knew how dangerous it was to be alone with your own demons and she could not find it in herself to leave Sasuke to fight on his own. (Funny, she thought. This was Uchiha Sasuke, a powerful shinobi, capable of killing elites like Orochimaru and Danzo and capable of killing her, his demons should be nothing.)

It surprised Sakura when she bumped into Sasuke on the road to the Uchiha manor. He must have just left, Sakura thought.

"Sasuke-kun." Sakura greeted with a slight smile.

There was a slight pause before Sakura heard Sasuke speak. The rustling of the leaves were interrupted by the voice of the boy she loved.

"Sakura." Sasuke acknowledged, as he strolled beside her.

Sakura was a little taken aback by his greeting. He had spoken her names several times before and even though the sound of her name rolling of his tongue always elicited the same heat rush, nervousness and frantic hammering of her heart, this time, Sasuke was speaking her name as though he had been addressing her, as though his eyes had taken her figure in, as though he could finally see. Sasuke sounded like a mix of hesitance, reluctance, nervousness and strangely, alertness, as though he (finally) had a restful sleep, even though the dark circles under his eyes betrayed that thought.

The Uchiha had spoken to her, just one word, her name, and she knew– he was speaking to her with something akin to emotions, almost as though there was new life and blood coursing through his veins, not just tragedy and loss. She felt a surge of nostalgic feelings, a memory of a time long ago, when her hair was long, her nose was blocked and salty tears had dripped onto Sasuke's face. It felt like the same relief when she had heard the soft thud of his heart against his chest after embracing him irrationally in the Land of Waves. Sakura found herself fighting against the urge to wrap him in that same tight embrace, she never refrained before from being affectionate with him but she restrained herself this time, she did not want to stop Sasuke from speaking.

"You feel different today, Sasuke-kun." Sakura remarked, emerald eyes trained on the boy walking beside her. They were finally settled on the stools at Ichiraku Ramen and Teuchi-san was going about preparing their orders.

"Ah."

And Sasuke was back to his grunts and his monosyllabic words. Sakura sighed dejectedly. As Sasuke lapsed back into silence, Sakura ordered their ramen and tried to distract herself by arranging the chopsticks on the table. Later, the loud clatter of chopsticks rung through the ramen stall and a series of abrupt apologies followed. Sakura picked up the fallen chopsticks and climbed back to her seat.

Sasuke was speaking to her again.

"I had a dream," He repeated, managing to surprise Sakura for the third time in the night. "It wasn't a nightmare. Itachi was there. He told me to talk."

The pink-haired kunoichi had a puzzled look on her face but kept quiet, determined not to interrupt Sasuke. Her eyes remained on him, urging him to speak, to let out the demons that had him drowning in nightmares and longing for his dead family.

When Sasuke stayed quiet, Sakura finally allowed the words to flow out of her lips, breaking the months of awful and awkward silence she usually kept with him.

"I'm here. I'd listen, Sasuke-kun." The pink-haired medic said, after much deliberating. She had been debating between sentences in her head, anxious for the right words to say, the right sentence to keep him talking and to let him know that she was there by him, as she always had been.

It takes a few more moments of silence before Sasuke continues speaking. At first, it is slow and almost unnatural. He is not accustomed to speaking after going so long without many words. He is not used to articulating his feelings out like this but then he remembers….this is not the first time he's speaking to Sakura like this. Sasuke prefers to let actions convey his emotions. But Sakura helps him finds his words.

And Sasuke recalls figments of his past buried under the weight of his family's demise, another past, a happier past– him speaking with Sakura in a terse voice, Sakura's natural talent for chakra control, Naruto's uncanny ability to mess up even the simplest D-ranked mission, the bell test with Kakashi and the night Kakashi had him tied to a tree trunk...and it is not Team 7 he just remembers, he suddenly sees Karin, Suigetsu and Juugo, the trio of misfits that were unexpectedly loyal.

A cherry blossom tree in full bloom appears in his flooded vision, pink petals suspended in the air and his family sat under its cool shade. Itachi had his eyes closed and his father seemed deep in thought. His mother had him on her lap and the memory of her gentle voice (instead of her agonizing scream and her lifeless lips) was bittersweet.

–

"Sasuke-chan, see that pink tree? It's a Sakura tree." Mikoto placed a delicate cherry blossom petal in his palm.

He remembered staring at it intently, wondering how it was possible a thing could be so...pink and soft.

"The kanji is written like this." His mother continues, writing it on a notepad.

桜

"Sakura." Sasuke repeats after his mother and giggles.

–

A few years later, his clan would be brutally murdered.

A few more years later, he will meet a Sakura...of another variety with shockingly pink hair, an unncanny softness and an annoying habit of caring a little too much for him.

When they were twelve, they shared a bond forged on protectiveness, mutual concern and her unflinching and unyielding love for him. Now, they had one of mutual understanding, of silence, long awaited conversations over hot ramen and still, her unflinching and unyielding love for him.

–

So, Sasuke talks.

Sakura listens.

It is almost like a scene from years ago, when he tells her with hateful words that there was a man he wanted to kill. They are much older now and his words are no longer tinged with hate and his eyes are no longer so eager to kill. Her hair is short and hollowed, hint at her lack of restful sleep, her emerald eyes are locked on his and they look at him no longer with a twelve year old's surprise but with gentle understanding. Gleaming green eyes under the crescent moon, eyes so different from his own red ones but eyes that no longer twinkled with innocence. Sasuke had loved and lost many times and he realized that the girl before him had also gone through a similar process. There was blood on her hands where it had once been porcelain white and a lethal edge to her eyes where it had once been nervousness.

He talks to her about his family – okaa-san, otou-san and Itachi. Sasuke spoke of the Uchiha name, red and white fan birthed in the flames of war that died by the hands of Itachi. He even talks to her about happier times with his family and his proudest moment of mastering the family's speciality – Katon, Goukakyuu No Jutsu. Sakura notices how his voice cracks when he talks about his brother but there were no tears in his eyes. She guesses that his tears had long dried.

He talks about a clan that crumbled like he did before Itachi and the truth. Of how he sees red then black before red again – his eyes finally resting on the stark red of his elder brother's blood on his hands. Sasuke does not leave out the part where he cries. Loud, violent sobs racking his chest as they left his body and then later, silent cries lamenting the fate of his broken brother, his dead parents and his broken clan.

Sakura has seen Sasuke in pain before. She has seen him weak and she has seen him angry but she has never seen him cry so when he talks about how he felt like he had finally finished a lifetime worth of crying, swollen eyes and dry sobs, her own eyes watered unconsciously. Perhaps, she was crying for him, she was helping him mourn in the form of crystalline tears and broken smiles. Or, she was mourning for Sasuke because Uchiha Sasuke was a broken man who waged a war with death in order to kill his enemies only to realize he was killing himself.

Sasuke notices the tears overflowing at her eyes but he does not stop. Sakura does not make an attempt to wipe them either. It is too late for that. Instead, he continues talking, his throat dry but his mouth itched to spill the contents of his heart. He talks to her about hatred, of how tiring it was to hate, hate, hate when he was doing everything for love, love, love. He spoke of how hatred fuelled his desire for revenge, his bloodlust and power. Hatred had consumed him whole and left him with the name of his family and an empty crust of who he once was.

At this point, their ramen had turned cold. Sasuke continues to confide in Sakura about hopelessness, of how he resolved to die in his fanatical quest for revenge and how redemption was three words too idealistic to be considered in the blackened dictionary of his life. His heart knew only revenge and it was revenge he deserved and wanted not redemption. Her eyes are now red from crying but her tears have stopped. His voice is now growing hoarse from talking too much too quickly but he refuses to stop, not while all the words he struggled to find and say were now at the tip of his tongue.

Sasuke talks to her about love. Because, Sasuke had loved Konoha before although he was no longer capable of feeling the same ardent love he once harbored, at least not to the village that had condemned his brother to such a fate. He loved his family and his brother and he had also been on the receiving end of love–

Naruto, his blonde-haired and blue-eyed brother, warmth, idioicy and gleeful laughter, Kakashi who made sure he was never alone when he woke up, sweating from the nightmares that continued to taunt him every night and Sakura who like the rest of Team 7, had always been there for him, just merely eclipsed by the ghosts of his past, of a family that was no longer in this world and of a time that had long gone by. His past was the one enemy even he did not have the power to fend off alone.

–

The night is cold as the two of them make their way out of Ichiraku Ramen. Sasuke is not walking the right way back to the Uchiha manor and Sakura knows but she does nothing to stop him. They reach a halt at an empty patch of grass and Sakura knows the significance of this place to her. She has visited this spot many times after Sasuke left and many more times in her dreams.

The benches that used to line the pavement had been destroyed with Pein's previous invasion. The cobblestone pavements and thick leafy trees were now a thing of the past, having been replaced by an empty patch of green grass where Sasuke and her spent moments alone, years ago.

Sakura takes a seat on the soft grass and Sasuke follows. They are sitting close to each other and the crescent moon above them is luminous, lending a ghostly light to Sasuke's features.

"Sasuke-kun, t–" Sakura started but was interrupted by Sasuke.

Once again, the moon was the only witness to their exchange. Sasuke finally says the words. Those words.

"Sakura, thank you."

He thanks Sakura because that is what Uchiha Sasuke does to Haruno Sakura, time and time again, arigato after arigato. Because she has always been there, chasing the cobwebs off his past, killing his ghosts in that annoyingly Sakura fashion.

Even with his sharingan, blood red eyes so consumed in the curse of hatred and bloodlust, he could not see everything. He could not see past his past, he could not see Naruto and his persistent promises of a bright future, Kakashi smiling at him with tired eyes and an understanding smile, Sakura whose silence had been the best companion and whose apples laid undisturbed by his tableside every morning. But, now, after months of waking up nightmare after nightmare, he wakes up from a dream of Itachi and he sees. He sees with startling clarity.

Sasuke feels a tremor in his heart that has less to do with speaking so much and the cold night but more to do with Sakura's strong hands gripping his tightly and surely. He knows that is her promise to him. He tightened his grip on hers and felt something liquid slid down his cheek. And this is his.

Naruto and him communicated through fighting – punches and kicks, bruises and bloodied noses, that was the way they talked and it was how he found his way back to Konoha, fighting alongside Naruto.

But, Sakura and him, they communicated through words, spoken between the two of them, tears shed by one party or both under the crescent moon and silent promises that came with painfully strong handholding.

And this is how Uchiha Sasuke stays.

Sakura has tears in her eyes and Sasuke's hands. Calloused hands so used to saving lives and lending hard punches gripped tightly onto fingers aching from wielding a weapon so tightly and fiercely for so long. He can let go now.

Thank you, Sasuke-kun.

Those were the words Sakura had wanted to say.

–

– fin –

–

Notes: Thank you for reading! I had a really difficult time trying to come up with an appropriate title because I wasn't satisfied with "Speak" or "Thank You" which were my working titles. "Kill Your Ghosts" was inspired partly by my latest obsession, Aku no Hana, a brilliant psychological manga and one of my favorite lines from it was "I'll kill your ghost". I love the line because it was symbolic of many things - burying what's gone, extinguishing the flames of the past and exterminating the faces that haunt you...and the more I thought of it, the more I loved using this quote in the context of Sasuke and Sakura, with Sakura helping him to overcome his past, the one enemy he can't seem to fight alone. Please also check out my new multi-chaptered fic entitled "Decennial"!