HI READERS OF FFN

I stopped updating this in favor of posting exclusively on ao3. Alchemy is the best there and there's more to read, so please go to

works / 10101263 / chapters / 22502174

it's also the most updated version with all typos and etc fixed

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Sheptilah paced up and down her suite alone, waging an internal battle. She hoped the repetitive movement would mask her feelings so as to not alarm the two people she was thinking about. Should she tell her husband and familiar that there's another shape shifter? Part of her understood she had to, it wasn't safe to lie, but another part of her didn't want to hurt another innocent person swept up in the political disruption. She didn't want to out anyone.

Donald's just a guy, right? He's not even part of the Empire? But how do I know that? I can't trust anyone anymore.

But ruining someone's life and safety wasn't necessarily worth protecting her own in this case. He's just an octopus; she's a witch with firepower and money.

"Somethin' eatin' ya, babe?" A familiar if sinister voice came from behind. The cold aura of the spirit chilling her body.

"Scourge?"

"In the flesh!" He made himself visible. "Well… you know."

"Got bored of the outback already?"

"Ain't a damn thing out there but bunyips and them bitches bite hard." He pretended to rub his bottom. "I got chomped on my fuckin' patootie!"

She pouted. "Is your patootie okay?"

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Yes I am."

"That's fair."

She chuckled. "Get out of here before Shadow sees you; he hates you so much."

"All the more reason to stay!" He checked his fingernails. "I was kiddin' about the bunyips though; there's a lot of wandering spirits in this place."

"Do you think that means we're in danger?" She nervously twisted a lock of hair.

"Nah, I'd say I'm the only actual poltergeist for miles." He floated around her like a little satellite. "Also… I love the new haircut! Mine was better though."

"Scourge."

"But yeah, I don't think ya'll are in any danger. A lot of them asked me why I haven't passed on yet so maybe I'm the one in danger." He shook out his needles before smoothing them back down.

"Pass on? To Yggdrasil?" Sheptilah welcomed the change of subject and relaxed.

"I guess?" He shrugged. "I dunno. I'd ask them why they're still here and they'd say this is their ancestral land; where else would they go? Someone said spirits go to the sky, another said something about Kangaroo Island or the Milky Way. Either way, they knew I was from another dimension."

"I guess you'd have to ask Maw or someone else who is Tralusian." She sat on the edge of her bed and motioned for him to join her.

"They also mentioned something called Dreamland?" He sat beside her, elbows on his knees and chin in his palms.

"Do you mean Dreaming?"

"Yeah, that."

"We met the Rainbow Serpent; they're one of the elder gods from this land in a Dream a few days ago. It was… transcendent."

"How come you get to meet celebrities but I get bit on the rump?"

"The Serpent just ushered us out of their space but not before a blessing to continue on our quest to crush the wiccaphages. The prophecy is no joke, I guess." Sheptilah reached out and lightly pet his head. "Do you want to go back to your own dimension? So you can pass on? You probably can't do that here; but I thought Yggdrasil was connected to every realm..."

"I'm not sure I even want to go home. I kind of… don't want to face certain people. If they know I'm dead too I'll never hear the end of it."

She leaned back and looked at him with pity. "Scourge, you can stay with me as long as you want, you know."

"I tied your pretty little intestines in bow and you still want to be nice."

"You've made some effort to change. You're a big pain in the 'patootie' as you call it but you're also a lot of fun."

"I don't wanna be a good person." He said with the same air as a stubborn child. "I just want a Warp Ring; I wanna take a peek before I make any real decisions about it."

"I'm sure we have one you can use somewhere. I'll ask my husband."

"Thanks… I wonder what Moebius looks like now… Can you be homesick for a place that never fuckin' felt like home to begin with?"

"Yes." Sheptilah focused on the tip of her toe to stop herself from feeling too much, but her voice still wavered. "Every day."

He let his hands drop into his lap and looked at the woman curiously.

"Are you afraid to face the people you killed, too, Scourge?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe you should come with me to Moebius." He leaned his head against her shoulder, greedily siphoning off her body heat. "I wonder if you can use the Anarchy Beryl since you can't use the Chaos Emeralds."

"Anarchy Beryl?"

"They're like the Chaos Emeralds but the transformation lasts a lot longer and leaves you tired after you use them. And… there's probably way more than just seven of them. Given how everything on Moebius is inverted, the Anarchy Beryl just might be the ticket for you destroying the wiccaphages."

"I'll think about it. Why not bring this up sooner?"

"'Cuz then I'd have to actually go to Moebius with you to get them but at the time I was adamant about not going back as a ghoul."

After a moment of blessed quiet he spoke up again.

"Listen, toots- I'm gonna go back out and explore again but… call me when you find that Warp Ring. I got a lot of thinkin' to do and there's nothin like doin' it under the stars out here; but I will be back. I dunno why you were pacin' and talkin' to yourself but whatever's bugging ya you might as well get it off your chest, dig? Adios, babycakes!" He fizzled away.

Sheptilah opted to tell Shadow first during a private lunch in her suite the next day.

"I have an ulterior motive for this lunch today…" She began, trying to steel herself by pouring a cup of tea. In her nervousness, the spout initially missed the cup and spilled onto the counter. Sheptilah quickly corrected herself but used her sleeve to clean it.

Shadow bit into his crispy BLT sandwich, the noise of which disturbed the otherwise quiet room. "Sure, go ahead."

"Captain Claw's not … Captain Claw." She sat across from him at the little table.

"We know he's not a real captain."

"He's not a real crab." She shook her head, avoiding eye-contact. "He's a shape shifting octopus."

Shadow stopped mid-bite to put down his food and crossed his arms. "How do you know this?"

"Well," she said, "I cornered him yesterday and asked because Rabisu noticed."

I generally cannot tell the difference if it is a magical shape-shift, but I can spot a physical shape shifter. The stone said.

"He said his name is Donald and he hates his usual body, which he showed me. That's how I know he's an octopus."

"Cephalopods are often able to change their colors and textures to camouflage, so that makes sense. Do you trust him?"

"No, but I am learning not to trust anyone I don't know well." She hung her head.

Shadow smirked. "Good habit to have. I'll keep my eye on him but I'll pretend I don't know his real name or shape in the meantime. Are you going to tell your husband?"

She lifted her head, face lined with worry. "I probably should… I hate keeping secrets from him. Please don't tell anyone. Please."

"Not even Maw?"

"Maw would understand about not outing people, I think."

"Fair point; very fair point."

- • -

Jonesy paced his dorm up and down, bored out of his mind. "This whole zone is a giant litter box and I can't even go out and play."

Abyss laid on her bed reading a magazine. "How can it be a litter box if there ain't shit out there?"

"Hah!" The cat turned to her and pointed. "You still got your sense of humor."

Abyss turned a page. "Darn tootin', kitty."

"Ain't she funny?" Jonesy turned to Mango who was staring out the window at the vast, empty landscape. "Mangs?"

"What?" The octopus shook her head. "Sorry, wasn't listening."

"What's wrong? Waiting for it to start bucketing down? Gonna be here all year…"

"Bucketing down?"

"Raining." Abyss turned another page. "Learn to speak the Queen's Avalonian, ya bloody pussy." She mocked him playfully.

Jonesy turned to Abyss and rolled up his sleeves, joking that he was going to start a brawl and trying his hardest not to laugh. "I'll speak the Queen's Avalonian when she apologizes to my face! You got a lot of nerve for walkin' calamari!"

Abyss licked her thumb dramatically and crisply turned another page. A huge grin took up the entirety of her beak. The entire exchange got a small chuckle out of Mango.

A knock at the door interrupted the banter. "What's this I hear about the Queen?" Maw said from the other side, opening the door. He had a box in his hands.

"Not the Empress," the squid waved with a cyberized tentacle, "we're talkin' shit about the Queen. Wanna join?"

"Of-fuckin-course I do." Maw entered. "I brought some brand new phones for you…" He looked around. "I guess you can give Claw's his for me though I am not sure where he's going to keep it."

Jonesy took the box and rummaged through it. He handed each labelled box to the person it belonged to. "Thank you! So, as I was sayin'... we're just dossing about before you came earwiggin'."

"I can barely understand you both separately but together it's going to be an absolute bastardization of the language, isn't it?" Abyss cackled.

"It's what our ancestors would want." Jonesy put the box down and turned on his phone. "How're we going to use these if the net's down?"

"We still have satellite connection." Maw explained. "It's slow but it'll do. Abyss, bein' a Boss, has priority on the network."

"By the way whatcha call beer here?" Jonsey asked.

"Coldies, tinny, slab… all kinds of words."

"He's asking what brand." Mango scrolled through her phone's built-in apps.

"Ah. Well, we brew our own here. Local recipe; bit of a dark drink and it's not for the faint of heart."

Jonesy went up to Maw, dwarfing him. He put his hands on the thylacine's shoulders and his face became very serious, leaning in. "I would like to try it."

Maw became just as resolute in his reply: "I will drink you so far under the table you'll wake up in Chun-Nan."

"Yes!" Jonesy cheered, "Abyss! I'm defecting! I'm moving to the Tralius Egg Base permanently."

The squid shrugged. "Maw's not joking…" She said sing-song. "He's gonna bury you."

Maw chuckled. "Listen, I have to get back to work. Why don't you meet me at my penthouse tonight at around tea time? You have much to catch up on and we can chat about it over some beers."

"Tell him what tea time is, Maw!" Abyss teased.

"Dinner time." The thylacine nodded.

"I'm just a kid," Mango said, "so… if you're inviting me along you should provide something non alcoholic to drink."

Maw leaned to the side to see past the hulking cat. "The Empress loves to make tea, so she'd be delighted to whip up a pot for you."

Claw appeared in the doorway and skittered past everyone to hide under his bed.

"Right…" Maw said. "You're all invited, so make sure Captain Claw is with you, too."

Maw's suite had turned into a party station. He moved some furniture to make room for a large table with a white tablecloth that went all the way down to the floor to hide the boxes of canned beer stored beneath. He also borrowed another sofa from storage and had it situated across from the other one. While setting out bags of potato chips, bottled sodas and stacks of coasters with matching napkins he had appetizers baking in the oven.

Shadow was mixing various dips from flavor packets in the kitchen. "I hope you're a nice drunk." He mused.

"I tend to sing a lot, I'm told." Maw adjusted his sleeves. "On-key, of course."

"Well, dinner and a show. You are the Egg Boss who thinks of everything." Shadow teased. He flipped a packet over to check the expiration date before mixing it with the sour cream. "Shrimp and crab flavor? Sounds really good, actually."

"Oh, fuck." Maw trotted into the kitchen and took the packet from Shadow's hands. "I forgot about Claw. He's so short you just forget because he's out of sight and out of mind..."

"I wouldn't worry about him because he-" Shit.

"What do you mean? He's a crab! We can't eat crab flavored things in front of him; it would be very weird."

Shadow did not want to lie to his boyfriend about anything but he also didn't want to break confidence with his sister. However… she already broke Donald's confidence by telling me, he thought.

"Shadow? You've been staring at the empty bowl and not answering my question. What did you mean?"

It was Shadow's first intimate relationship and he didn't want any snags along the way. He didn't want to ruin a good thing, so he decided to take a calculated risk.

"Well," He lowered his voice, "Claw is a shapeshifter like my sister, but he's an octopus. He told her so yesterday; he just hates his regular body so he takes the form of a crab."

"... what? Does Abyss know?"

"Probably not. Please don't tell anyone; I'm sick over the idea of outing someone but I couldn't lie to you."

Maw narrowed his eyes. "Well, maybe that doesn't count as outing someone in the way I know it but I won't say anything." He pondered the thought. "No, you're probably right to call it outing. At any rate I think we need to research him now and make sure he's not some GUN mole since he was never from the Empire."

"I didn't even think of that." Shadow bit a thumbnail through his glove. "Maybe even Mango... They're both octopuses and both ended up in Abyss' lab even though it's extremely inaccessible."

"You really think GUN would send a teenage spy, though?"

"Rouge is a teenage spy."

"Touché."

Jonesy disrupted their hushed conversation by boisterously yelling at the door. "Oi! I heard this is party central, lemme in! I got the girls and one barnacle-encrusted crab!"

"It's unlocked!" Maw called. "Come on in!" He then turned to Shadow and nodded curtly.

Shadow winked in return and finished mixing the dips.

Abyss put her hands on her hips and smiled. "A whole spread! You go all out."

"Only the best for Eggman's best." Maw gestured to the table. "Dig in; the appetizers are just about done."

Eggman and his wife were fashionably late but when they arrived von Schlemmer was with them.

Abyss, Mango and Jonesy sat on the sofa next to Maw. Shadow stood behind Maw, leaning on the sofa's back by his elbows.

Sheptilah sat on the other sofa between Eggman and von Schlemmer. Claw preferred to stay on the floor and stood in the position closest to the doorway.

"Take it from the top, please." Maw allowed them the floor.

"Bla bla bla, I unleashed a world-ending entity when I blew up the moon, yadda yadda now we're here." Eggman said with a rather blasé tone.

"Ivo." Sheptilah scolded.

"Alright, fine. I met my wife, who is a five-thousand-and-something year old alchemist and I found her in a rock, about two years ago. Madly in love ever since."

Claw opened a bag of prawn-flavored potato chips and began to eat them, crunching loudly.

Eggman shot the crab a look and went back to talking. "Von Schlemmer over here-"

"Hi!" The little mint-skinned man waved enthusiastically.

"- Over here, is an old 'friend' from college."

Tilly grinned. "What? You went to school together?"

"Oh, ja, he was my main competition for grades, too." Von Schlemmer put on a smug face. "I ended up with the higher score."

"By less than two points!"

Claw tossed a chip at Eggman to get his attention. "Great, but what's that got to do with why I can't leave?"

Shadow leaned forward. "I defected from GUN and now they're trying to find us and it's not going to be pretty if they do."

Jonesy took a swig of the beer, enjoying the tingle it left on his tongue. "Fuckin' badass, by the way. When you defected everyone in the Empire was cheerin' for you."

Shadow turned to look at the cat. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah." He finished the first bottle and opened another. "After the shit they pulled? We were so happy for ya."

"Hm." Shadow looked at his sister. "I've heard the rumors that run around the Empire. Only half of them are based in reality." He went back to facing Jonesy. "I don't know what you heard but it probably wasn't the truth."

"You defected because they gave you an ultimatum you couldn't agree with." Jonesy shrugged. "Somethin' about the bullshit they pulled with Miss Tilly."

"Close enough." Shadow acquiesced.

"So what makes you think you're safe here?" Claw reached deep into the bag to fish out any remaining chips. "That they won't bomb the place to smithereens?"

Eggman waved him off. "We are on Aboriginal land and they have no jurisdiction. They don't have the balls to come here, even if they could find it from behind all the little holograms we have."

"To be more specific the land is in my name," Maw said, "and I'm Aboriginal. They literally cannot step foot here without causing several international incidents. However… We believe they sent out several groups of bounty hunters to find us. They will never find us out here if nobody leaves and disrupts the holograms from functioning as they should. This land looks like a mesa from the outside."

Claw decided to keep his mouth shut and observe instead of complaining further. He was not going to let these people and their tangled lives keep him prisoner. He needed an escape plan.

Eggman spoke up again, uncomfortable with the conversation not being in his control anymore. "At any rate, we're working on a solution to remove the implant bombs."

Jonesy's ears stood erect and his whiskers twitched. "You were serious? All this time I thought you were havin' one over on us. I would like to be first in line."

Claw slowly meandered under the table where he could eavesdrop in peace. After a long conversation about the politics of the Empire the discussion turned into a lighthearted and friendly one. Maw played some music from his phone to add to the ambiance.

Maw, Abyss and Jonesy were going head-to-head, havin' a crack at the Queen of Avalon and all the generational pain the crown inflicted on their people.

"I'd be speakin' Gaelic right now if it wasn't for them!" Jonesy was getting a little tipsy. He tapped his fingers on his can.

"We'd still have the Palawa language." Maw was still as alert as ever.

"Like us Pasifika give a fuck about the Queen's corgis, right?" Abyss sat down beside Jonesy with her own drink in hand. "I only care about Mordred's corgis and that's only because I want one."

Maw opened a fresh can. "So ask him."

"Corgis don't do well under water." Abyss replied. "Doctor Eggman!"

"What?" He called from the other end of the room.

"Make me a deep diving suit for a corgi!"

"Why?"

"Because I asked!"

"All requests must be formally submitted via email so that I may formally delete it without opening it."

Maw and Jonesy laughed.

Ivo turned back to his wife. "So as I was saying- von Schlemmer and I go way back. We lost touch after I started trying to take over the planet because he moved to two centuries ahead."

Tilly put a hand on his shoulder. "Why'd you move to the future?"

Von Schlemmer hesitated. He rolled his unopened can of beer in his palms. "I thought zhings would… be better."

"Honey…" Eggman shook his head. "Don't ask him that."

"No, it's okay." Von Schlemmer reassured him with an uneasy smile. "Ich verspreche, it's okay. This century is kind of slow." He rolled his wrist while he thought of the words. "Technology doesn't move fast enough."

"Oh!" Tilly grinned. "You made me worried."

"Ach, don't worry about me." He opened the can and jumped when it hissed. "I can always go back to ze future vhen I vant; as long as ze Zone Cops don't bother me."

"Shadow's still alive in the future, right?" Sheptilah kept her voice low.

"Yes." He took a sip of the alcohol and winced.

"What happened?"

"He von't say; but he's not doing well."

"What happens to us, Professor?"

Von Schlemmer shook his head. "Ich weiß es nicht."

"It's horrible, isn't it?" Eggman said. "Hopper."

"Ich werd' ganz nervös…" He threw back his head and finished off the can in nearly one gulp. "Okay. I only know a little, because GUN redacted everyzhink and all ze physical papers vere 'lost'. It was bad enough to leave Shadow comatose for a long time."

"How long?" Tilly took the empty can from Hopper and set it on the floor.

"I don't know. Months."

"That sounds a lot like what would happen if Tilly died leaving behind her familiar."

"Ja, but it's two hundred years from now and it could've been a natural death from being old. He won't tell me when or how. He is afraid of affecting the past in an unfixable way."

Tilly took Hopper's hands in hers. "Is there a way we can talk to him in the future?"

"No. Ze Zone Cops will definitely arrest us all if we try."

"If they do I can at least introduce a few 'notes' to that bastard Nega." Ivo clenched his fist.

"I'm so sorry I already failed you mit my miscalculations." Hopper turned over Tilly's hand and looked at her pinky nub. "Das tut mir leid, but at least you're alive."

Their quiet and intimate conversation was interrupted by boisterous singing from the other end of the room.

"'Cause I'm Mister Bright Side!" No less than three voices sang loudly.

"Oh my God." Mango covered her face in embarrassment.

Shadow couldn't help but laugh. He motioned for Mango to come over to him so she could see he was recording on his phone.

"I love this song!" Abyss air-drummed along. "Jealousy! Turning saints into the sea!"

"Swimming through sick lullabies!" Jonesy grabbed both her and Maw, spilling beer. "What does that even mean?"

"Stop, you're messing up the lyrics!" Maw paused to figure out where they were in the song. "... But it's just the price I pay! You're getting beer all over my floor!"

"That's the price!" Jonesy joked.

"Destiny is calling me!" Abyss butted in.

"Open up my eager eyes! 'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside!" The three of them managed to drunkenly harmonize.

The squid howled with laughter. "Jonesy, you fucked up the harmony!"

He straightened up and raised his head like a proper gent. "I did not. Dear lady, you are lying."

"Shh! What's the next song?" Maw tried to listen. He was fully having fun now and cutting loose in a way Eggman nor Shadow have seen before. Clearly, the thylacine was buzzed. "Is that fucking Garth Brooks? How'd that get on my playlist?"

"Yes! Now we're suckin diesel!" The big cat grabbed a fresh can and opened it. He listened for the lyrics he was waiting for. "'Cause I've got friends in low places! That's you fuckers." He pointed to everyone in the room. "Where the whiskey drowns and the deer chases my blues-"

"It's beer chases! Deers don't chase!" Abyss drummed her hands on her knees.

"You've never made Clove mad before, huh?" Maw rubbed his cheek.

"Shut up! I'm singin'." Jonesy took a swig. "I'm serenading; let me serenade!"

"I'm not big on social graces, think I'll slip on down to the oasis!" Maw sang out with a beautiful voice, perfectly on key and a perfect southern accent. He was in the zone. "I've got friends in low places! I've got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and- … what?" He stopped when he realized no one else was singing along and became very self conscious.

Eggman got up off the sofa and walked over to him. "Why are you a goddamn chemist when you could be Johnny Cash?"

Maw's face flushed. "I didn't mean to steal the thunder…"

"Remind me to hold an Egg Boss talent show."

"Gonna be a short one as Abyss has no talents." Jonesy laughed only to be slapped on the back by one of her tentacles.

"I so have talent!"

"Robbing the audience is not a talent."

"The point is to do it so well they don't know they're being robbed." Eggman was quick to point out.

The playful bickering went on throughout the rest of the night.

Tilly and Hopper talked quietly, laughing about the differences between 'then' and 'now', especially how Meh Burger still makes the meh-est burgers around.

"You love Ivo, right?" Hopper's voice dropped to almost an inaudible whisper. "Mit all your heart?"

"Of course."

"Hold onto zhat as tight as you can. It sounds so stupid but love is ze strongest weapon we have. Take care of each other, promise me zhat."

"It's not stupid, Professor."

"You can call me Hopper, too."

"Alright, it's not stupid, Hopper." She squeezed his hands. "It's kind of the source of much of my power. I 'borrow' energy from the people I love and that love me to amplify what I already have."

"I also mean metaphorically. I've never seen Ivo so soft before."

"He's not going to change so don't get your hopes up. He's just got different priorities."

Hopper's heart sank. His shoulders drooped and his tired eyes narrowed. "I guess. He could do so much good with zhat big brain of his."

"Well, if you stick around you can help me bully him into doing the right thing now and again." She snickered mischievously.

Hopper leaned past her and watched Eggman sing and dance along. "I get ze feeling zhat you all really needed zhis kind of fun?"

"Two scientists died in an accident with the implanted bombs a few days ago and Maw was right next to them. It's been one thing after the other."

Hopper frowned and looked down at her hands, eye traveling to her missing pinky again. He got an idea and cracked a smile. "So let's join zhem!" He stood and pulled her from his seat and dragged her to an open spot on the floor. "Shall I have zhis dance?"

"Okay, but you can't keep it!"

"I'm gonna try!"

Jonesy nudged Eggman with an elbow and gestured with his chin at the mismatched couple frolicking.

"Gonna let your girl get taken like that?"

"He ain't gonna get far." Eggman sipped his beer. "She's gonna step on his foot in three.. two…" He mouthed one.

"Ow! Mein tootsies!"

"Sorry!"

Eggman turned back to Jonesy with a smug grin.

- • -

Claw snuck out during the commotion and locked himself in the bathroom with a large container of sea salt he stole from Maw's kitchen, intending to take a nice, long cold bath with it. He unfurled from his disguise back into Mimic, sinking below the surface of the water. How the fuck am I going to get out of this nuthouse?