Chapter Title "Beautiful Soul" by Katy J Pearson

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

"So, what is 'certainly life-altering' supposed to mean, Will?"

'And don't say the words that I think you're about to say, because it can't be. This can't be happening!'

It was one of these moments, when time stands still, when you know the next second, the next words that will come out of the other person's mouth, will change your life forever. You know you're not ready to hear them, not ready to deal with them, you don't wanna believe them, but you can't run away and hide either. You can't walk backwards, however desperately you might want to. And all the time your heart is beating so hard, it feels like it's about to burst, your eardrums surly are, and it makes you so sick to your stomach, that you can hardly speak.

"It means you're pregnant…"

Gut-punching, suffocating shock and immediate denial.

'This cannot be true!'

"I … I can't be pregnant Will! It's just not possible!"

Maybe if she laughed it off he would show her his radiant 'got you there' smile and tell her that he was just messing with her. Not look at her in that serious doctor-manner as if she was completely stupid and obviously didn't know how babies were made. How that could have happened in the first place.

"Did you have sex lately?" Was he seriously talking extra slow towards her now?

"I can't talk to you about that! You're his brother and Jay would kill me!" Jay wouldn't like it at all that she was having this conversation with his brother, but here they were.

Will looked at her as if he wanted to say:

'Seriously? I know you guys aren't exactly living a celibate life!' and finally got her to answer him by waiting her out:

"Okay, fine! Yes, of course we had sex!"

Not just once, but still: They had been careful! She was always careful. Accidents like this didn't happen to her. Did they? Okay, they had once, but that had been a different time back then, a different life. This was not what was going to happen to her and Jay. They weren't there yet, she was still not ready to do this…

"It freaks me out, because I don't want anything to change between us! Once we were married it only went downhill for Andrea and I! And that fear of loosing another child again? I don't know if I can survive that and I already told you. So yeah, maybe I'd rather not get pregnant or married at all…"

"Did you use protection?" Now it seemed Will was really getting into sex education and thereby on her nerves.

Of course they did use protection, always. She was on the pill, had been for several years, she never messed that up, unless… Her eyes went so wide it almost hurt:

"Yes,… well … I am…but…"

"You've been on antibiotics for a while, you've had a lot of stress… maybe…" Will probed, giving her a hint or rather hitting her over the head with it.

If it was possible Rianne's stomach lurched even more: "Maybe the antibiotics messed things up or I… shit, I didn't really think about that!"

Rianne felt like a stupid teen, when the penny slowly dropped. But there still was just a minimal chance, right?

"So, it is possible!" Will was looking kind of proud that she had solved this ultra-difficult puzzle almost all by herself.

But Rianne had to disappoint him, because he still had to be wrong: "No! Because I can't have children!"

She couldn't have children, not after Matteo, not after everything, not…, not like this!

"Who the hell said that?" Will still looked at her like she was a little slow on the uptake, so she explained it to him:

The things the little voice she always heard in her head said when she was confronted with babies, pregnancy, starting a family, and the things doctors had told her after the accident: That it was highly unlikely that she would just get pregnant, if she ever wanted to again, without any advanced treatment. Without any check-up. So she thought she had always been double safe. This baby-thing would always have been a conscious decision, not just something that sort of happened to her without really thinking it through. Without taking this step fully prepared. Without making sure she was in the right headspace to take it.

Will seemed unbothered by her attempt of talking this issue away by simply denying it, because she had all the reasons why he had to be wrong. He pointed at the hard evidence in form of her HCG-levels, off-the-charts HCG-levels:

"Can you tell me when you had your last period?"

He sat down next to her in a swivel chair, waiting for her to rack her brain.
In the stress of moving, renovating, several personal issues and dramas it hadn't really occurred to her that she could be pregnant. This option hadn't really existed in her mind until today. Until she'd gone through her calendar this morning, until she'd again felt so exhausted, even if she'd had some hours of really decent sleep and a little sick as well. How stupid and juvenile was she? Why hadn't she been fussing earlier?
She told Will when she thought her last one had been. It had to have been just after her surgery in January… it was March now, go figure!

"So, that would make you almost eight to nine weeks pregnant…"

Rianne felt the ground shake beneath her and if she hadn't been lying down already she would have had to by now. She must still have looked at Will kind of flabbergasted, as if she didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth, as if this was still just a joke, because he said:

"If you don't believe me: We can take a standard pregnancy test with the urine sample you just gave the nurse, in fact you can look at several clear-blue's or whatever, if that's what it takes to make you see that this is real or I can get you up to ob-gyn to do an ultrasound…Or both!"

She felt really sick now and her eyes were burning. Did she really have to look this thing in the eye? Did she really wanna find out for sure?

Rianne felt she didn't have the nerve to deal with another doctor, another person, who didn't know her, who wouldn't get that this was kind of a big deal for her.

"Could you maybe do it down here? An ultrasound I mean?" she whispered so quietly, that Will had to lean in closer to understand, kind brown eyes swimming with emotions of his own.

She knew this was a little inappropriate, that this could get her into serious trouble with Jay, if he somehow found out. But she trusted Will, she needed someone she trusted to do this and maybe this was something Jay could understand. And she didn't need more people finding out before… before this was actually true, before Jay… Oh God, Jay! She couldn't think about him right now, or she'd loose it right here.

"If that's what you really want, of course…" Will cleared his throat and got up from his seat next to her, motioning that he'd be right back with the equipment.

Maybe this was uncomfortable for him too, but at least he didn't let her see it.
Minutes ticked by with her only staring off into space, her heartbeat thumping loudly in her ears. She didn't dare move, she didn't dare think this through. What it would mean, what…

"Okay, here we go…"

Rianne flinched when Will got back in what felt like a flash, pushing an ultrasound cart into the room, closing the blinds, which she was incredibly grateful for.

"Would you mind pushing your pants down a bit and that sweater up, so I can get better access?"

She knew the drill, this wasn't her first ultrasound. She'd had so many with Matteo, after Matteo… Matteo, she couldn't think about him either. Tears were already rolling down her face as Will spread the cold liquid gel onto her belly. He silently squeezed her hand, looking at the monitor, all black and white blurry lines, looking for the evidence that had the power to change her life, and Jay's, forever.
The longer the wand brushed over her skin, the faster her heart was beating. And then: A black bubble, something white in it, a mass, a little blob, a little-bitty body, was it?
Yeah, even she could see it. Rianne had seen such an image before, an image of something her body had hidden inside for over six months once.

"I'm gonna switch on the sound, okay? You ready?" Will asked for her permission, when he looked away from the monitor and straight into her glassy eyes.

No, she wasn't ready, she felt numb, but slightly nodded, although she had to close her eyes for a bit and then… a loud whooshing sound, an echo resounding loudly from the walls it seemed. A heartbeat, a heartbeat that made this thing a small living wonder.

"Well, I guess congratulations are in order Mommy. You got yourself a little roommate!"

'Congratulations Mommy!'

Rianne couldn't take it anymore! The seriousness, the reality of it hit her full force and she pushed Will's gloved hand away from her stomach. That throbbing beat drowned out her thoughts, made her nauseous and dizzy, threatened to cost her all her control and consciousness. She wanted to scream at him to make it stop, to turn it off, but all that came out of her was a loud wail, continual whimpering and heavy sobs that ran through her.
She wasn't even sure why she was crying so hard, especially as these weren't happy tears. This should be a good thing! A child with the man she loved so very deeply? With a man who had continually outdone himself to make her happy, to give her what she wanted, with whom she had mastered so many levels of intimacy in such a relatively short amount of time, something that she hadn't thought would ever be happening for her again. A child of her own had been so completely out of reach after Matteo. Maybe Rianne was crying for him too right now. Again! As if she hadn't mourned him in so many ways.
But he was exactly the main reason why her predominant emotion was fear. Actual, bone-deep, nerve wrecking and crippling fear.
The fear that had let her push her suspicions into a corner of her mind for probably longer than anyone could understand. A fear that had let her turn a blind eye on something that would have made anyone else take a closer look way earlier. But you can't lose what you don't have in the first place, simple as that.

When her sobs had subsided a little and her shoulders were only slightly shaking, Will waved some tissues at her, letting her dry her face with it, then he handed her some more paper towels to wipe away the ultrasonic gel on her stomach. Her movements felt all sorts of mechanical.

"You want me to call Jay?" Will probed, obviously at a loss on how to deal with her, this sorry mess before him.

She actually felt bad for him that he had to see this. Right now he probably wished that he would have just let her sleep in the parking lot. Rianne had been so engrossed in her crying that she didn't even know what Will had done in the meantime. How long had she just been bawling her eyes out?
Thankfully Will was not one to be scared off easily by these kind of emotional displays. By now he had resumed his position beside her on the chair, the ultrasound cart back in a corner of the room. He tentatively touched her shoulder, testing the waters if she'd let him comfort her.

"No - no way! I… he… he's working and I don't wanna upset him. I'll be fine in just a minute…" Bringing Jay into this made it even more real.

She just needed to breathe.
Will looked like he didn't believe a single word that had just left her mouth, but he kept quiet about it. He just pushed some more tissues at her that she gratefully took to blow her nose. God, she was really pathetic.
She saw that Will had printed out the ultrasound image. He must have done that before or during her grand breakdown. It lay on the little table next to her treatment couch. Rianne just stared at it: Such a small thing, inconspicuous to the untrained eye, but still able to have a massive impact in so many ways.
Will followed her gaze and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry for asking, but… didn't you have any clue at all? I mean, you must surely have missed a period or two?"

"Yeah, but… somehow with all the stress we've been in with the house and figuring out other stuff between us, my surgery… I, I just thought it was due to my body being under a lot of pressure and reacting this way. And I know that you're about to say that missing a period when you're on the pill is highly unlikely… I guess I'm just ignorant and stupid. Maybe I had a suspicion, in hindsight there were clearly other signs, but… I didn't want them to be there."

Again her eyes burned and she felt a headache coming on fast.

'Remarkable how you're handling your trauma Torres', she thought sarcastically.

"I get it. But is this really such a bad thing?"

"Honestly? I don't know, I…" again there were tears breaking free. "This is the worst possible time!" She finally stated.

"Is it though? Maybe there is just no 'good timing'! Sometimes there's just the 'here and now'. You're always preaching to take things as they come and 'welcome' them!" Will drew quotation marks in the air.

Was that really how she talked to other people about their life-quests?

"Ugh, doesn't sound like me at all!" Rianne laughed unhappily between another stray sob.

"Yeah, you know it does. And isn't it great to see that's it's very obviously possible for you to get pregnant? Without even trying? I'd say it's really good news! Or, I don't know, maybe my brother's got some kind of Halstead Wonder-Sperm…" he chuckled, but immediately stopped when he met her scowling gaze.

Rianne punched Will's upper arm hard: "Now is really not the time for inappropriate jokes!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. Too soon, my bad! I think I am kind of nervous because this means I get to be an uncle!" He paused for a minute, while Rianne was still staring at the ultrasound image she had picked up by now.

Turning it every which way and thinking that no matter how long she looked at it, it still didn't sink in that this was her and Jay's baby. Not even an embryo anymore, it was a fetus. She was already over eight weeks, when exactly had that happened?

"So, what do you want to do about it?" Will hesitantly pointed to the print in her hands now.

"Isn't it weird for you to discuss this with me? I mean: He is your brother. Like you said: You're going to be an uncle…" It surely sounded weird to her.

"Right, but I also happen to be your doctor today, so that's fine."

"I don't have to think about keeping it, if that's what you're asking. Now that it's there…there's no way I am not going through with it, but…"

But there were still so many things keeping her from feeling as happy as he obviously was about the outcome of today's examination. Will was barely hiding his joy at the prospect of them expanding the Halstead-Family.

"Okay, so that's a huge step forward."

"Yeah, but… Could you maybe not tell Jay?"

"I think you should be the one to tell him, of course! In fact why don't you call him right now? I'm sure he'll be thrilled. Shocked at first, but I know he wants this. With you! He won't bail and you don't have to deal with it alone. You know that, right?"

"I don't know! Maybe the fact that I am furious with my dad for going public with his news and not talk to me first and your solution is: 'you know what honey? Let's have a baby too, so you don't have to feel left out!' As if it was that easy!"

"Actually it is! If you wanted to I'd be all in!"

"Yeah, I know… that's not what I'm worried about."

Jay had been very clear concerning this, pretty much from the start. He wanted it all, a family, a wife and kids. He certainly wouldn't run. So of course Will couldn't see the problem:

"Then what?"

He couldn't see that this was all about her:

"I have to get my act together before I tell him. I don't want him to get the impression that I don't wanna do this, that this is somehow about him, when it's really all just stupid, scared shitless, little me."

Will nodded and didn't push her any further, although she was sure he had an opinion on that. He was back to giving out medical advise now: "Okay, right. I won't tell him and you can get a handle on your feelings first. I have to say one more thing though: I don't wanna scare you or anything, but just know that I am not an OBGYN. So I would really advise you to get an appointment as soon as you've come to terms with everything? Just to make sure I didn't miss anything, with your history and…"

"Yeah, I will! Just not today! Thank you Will!"

She didn't really know how she walked out of there. Everything was still a blurry mess inside of her, but when Rianne left the hospital and checked her phone, she saw that Jay had already called her five times.
She closed her eyes briefly, sighing with a still quivering mouth, feeling that every single disruption could make her start crying immediately. Now that she knew for sure so many things that had happened over the past weeks started to make sense. Of course her hormones were all over the place and when she'd been talking to Kim about how the incident with the baby Jay had brought in to Med had made her feel: It had been pregnancy hormones after all! The tiredness, her forgetfulness, sore breasts? Oh blessed ignorance…
God, this was so huge she didn't really know which layer to strip away first.

It was probably better to call Jay back. Knowing him he wouldn't give up trying to reach her, if she didn't contact him in some way. Holding her breath she dialed and got him after four rings:

"Hey, so sorry I called you so often, but I was a little frantic." He sounded out of breath and like he was getting into his truck.

"Okay, why?"

Rianne tried to sound as normal as she could, although the sound of his velvety, beloved voice almost got her choked up again and the thought of him already knowing what was going on, that he could see right through the phone and into her chaotic heart, got her fighting for air. He couldn't have been calling about her being in the hospital, could he? Rianne really hoped that Will would keep his promise to let her handle this and not tell him before she did. Tell him that… oh God. How could she tell him and when and…what would he say?
Jay interrupted her train of thoughts:

"I was actually looking for my suitcase, you know the little one we took to Argentina? Couldn't find it anywhere around the apartment, so I was wondering if you'd seen it at the new house… But I found it in the meantime!"

Right, so he of course didn't know a thing. But she was still confused:

"Why would you need a suitcase?"

"Yeah, that's the other reason I kept calling: Voight wants us to collaborate with the Special Victims Unit in New York on a case and he needs us to get our asses over there, like…yesterday." Some car-doors were thrown shut in the background.

"So, you'll be going to New York when exactly?"

She heard him hesitate, probably scrunching up his face in discomfort as he not so much said than asked:

"Today? I am meeting the others back at the station right now and then we've got to head to the airport. I'm so sorry hon, I certainly didn't plan this!"

Rianne closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose to keep a new sob from escaping: Just another brick in the road.

"Can…, can I see you off then?"

"Rianne, I…"

"I know Jay, it's okay. I trust you and it's fine. Really!"

"I am so sorry…" He pulled her into one of those world-class hugs of his and she was fighting tooth and nail not to burst out crying. Especially not out here in the open where everyone could see.

Rianne had had to hurry to get to the station in time, because obviously this last-minute thing was no joke. They were really heading out now. When she had arrived at the 21st, it seemed that Adam, Kevin, Voight, Rojas and the new guy, who's name she kept forgetting, had already taken off to get to the airport. Amanda and Jay had stayed back, so that he could at least say a short goodbye to her.
This was not the situation she had expected to find herself in when she'd woken up beside him in the morning, after their first sleep-over in the new house. After feeling so incredibly happy about his surprise the night before, their fantastic, breathtaking night.
Not only would he be gone for a few days, but did it have to be in New York? New York as in where Hailey was currently at New York. The New York where his ex-girlfriend lived. And did it have to be on the day that she found out she was freaking pregnant?
Rianne hated it, but she had also meant every word: She trusted him and she knew that he wanted and maybe also needed to see his partner, if he got the chance. If the case they had to work on allowed it and if Hailey wanted to meet up with him of course. And of course he had felt the need to tell her in advance that this could very well happen, that this was a thing on his mind, even if he only had minutes to spare before he'd have to catch that flight: He had had to tell her in person.
Jay sure was the most honest, decent soul, her sweet man and great boyfriend, a father… God, he was going to be the father of her child. It was really the only thing she could think of when she looked at him now. He had no clue and she couldn't.…

"You - me - it's just the right amount!"

But was him, her and a little mix of them both still just the right amount?
Jay held her at arms-length, searching her face:

"You sure, you're gonna be fine with everything? I know it's the worst possible time, but…"

'I am pregnant Jay. I am carrying your child, our child and I still can't believe it's real. And I am so scared about everything, everything that's going to happen now amor, that I am completely freaking out. I wish I could tell you, that I could let you take my fears away. I… I just want you to hold me and tell me that it's going to be fine. That we can do this, that I can do this. I need you to tell me that we are strong enough, to see that determination in your eyes that will elicit mine too. I… I just need you right now! Please stay!'

But she didn't say any of that, while the ultrasound picture was burning a hole into her jacket pocket. Instead she put on her brave face, or something like a poor replication of it, and nodded:

"Yeah, of course I am gonna be fine!"

She could see that he didn't really buy it, because for a second there was that little crease between his eyebrows, but Amanda chose that moment to call out from the taxi that was waiting for them a few feet away:

"We really got to go lover boy!"

"I said I am coming!" Jay snapped, whereupon his new partner disappeared into the car with a bright smile and a shrug in Rianne's direction.

He took her face in his hands, his beautiful, strong hands. Hands that she knew so well by now, hands that had made her burn with desire, hands that had brought her solace and comfort so many times. She didn't want him to take these hands away. Now was the worst possible time to take them away, but she had to let him. She couldn't put this on him, because she needed him focused on his job. Focused on staying sharp, staying alive and coming back to her. Now was not the time, was it?

"No kissing this time though, alright?" Rianne tried to joke, failing miserably to lighten the situation.

His thumbs brushed over her lips before he pressed his own to them. Bittersweet pain pierced her heart.

"You really don't need to worry about that and I'll be back in no time. I promise!"

She knew it could get like this. This was part of the deal. Part of this job, of him and this job. Partly this job made him who he was. It was unpredictable, every time, and sometimes very inconvenient. Rianne was mostly fine with it, but now?
Sure, this meant she would have time to figure out her own feelings, deal with these news without him constantly watching her, probably catching on to her inner conflict and pushing her to talk to him, but then again… She so desperately needed him by her side right now.

"Let me know when you get there, okay?" Rianne called after him as he was already getting into the taxi.

He turned around and waved at her, smiling, winking, looking extra cheerful for her sake: "I will. And babe? I love you!"

Her answer that she of course loved him too, got drowned out by the sound of the engine starting. Rianne was glad that the car drove off in a flash, because if it hadn't, Jay would've seen her finally break down and cry for the second time that day.

"Just trust him, trust yourself and don't think about 'ifs' and 'whens' so much!"

Right now these words just seemed like an impossible goal to reach.

AN: I am so sorry, but my muse said that I can't give them the 'Happy Ever After' yet. I hope you're down with that.

By the way: If any of you readers are from Brazil or Portugal you can also look up 'Our Scars' on Wattpad, where it is currently being translated into Portugese by SaahAlyne! It sure feels pretty awesome that someone would go through all the efforts to bring this story to even more readers! Of course you can check out the original story there too.