Chapter 57

Ana

I close the door behind me and my heart breaks into a gallop. My limbs feel like jelly. Our first use of the agreed-upon pause feature, our first real fight since getting back together, and it was a doozy. Jesus. He wants another baby? The one thing that it fills me with panic to even think about. The one place that my mind can't even go. Not again…

My, how the tables have turned. He's the one who wants the baby and I'm the holdout.

I head downstairs straight to the library, laying down on the couch and pulling my knees up to my chest. Clandestine birth control methods… You don't think I deserved to know all of the facts about what I was getting myself into? What does that mean? He wouldn't have wanted to get back together if he had known that I felt this way? Did he even mean that, or was he just going off?

I take a slow, deep breath, trying to convince my heart to stop hammering. In fairness, I did drop a bit of a bomb on him. Uh, yeah. He made a comment about trying for another baby in the future, and you just casually peppered in the fact that kids are no longer on your radar. How was he supposed to know that? He's not psychic. Shit. The snarky bitch up there has an undeniable point.

I force myself to get up, robotically walking to one of the shelves and picking up a book. There's no use in letting my thoughts spiral, dwelling on everything and letting it fester. Isn't that the point of pausing? This seems like material for a counseling session.

Idly, I hope he's following the same train of thought. Taking stock, taking a breath. I hope he's taking care of himself, and his anxiety isn't getting the best of him. I flip open the copy of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and focus on distraction.

Before I know it, I'm blinking my eyes open. It's dark, the book is laying across my chest, and I'm still in the library, curled up on the couch. I glance at the clock, noting that it's just after 5:00 AM. The whole night? I realize that I'd better check on Christian. It really won't help us if he thinks that I never came to bed because I fled under cover of night.

Upstairs, Teddy and Phoebe are still sleeping, so I cautiously open the door to our bedroom. I'm not sure what I expect to find, but he's asleep on my side of the bed, holding my pillow. I wonder if he purposely fell asleep like that or if it just happened at some point overnight.

I brush his hair out of his face. He stirs, mumbling something and squeezing the pillow tighter. God, we are such a mess. But I don't want to be a mess with anyone but you. My gut is telling me that there's more to his hasty words last night than spite or malice… why would he have put so much effort into fixing us if he was only going to be satisfied with one outcome, an outcome we never even talked about? It doesn't make sense.

I can already tell that I'm not getting back to sleep, so I decide to get some of my nervous energy out with some exercise and get a head start on the day. I have therapy this morning, then a very important meeting with Ezra this afternoon. That's today, on top of everything else… I text Sawyer to be ready to take me to the spin studio and head into the closet to change clothes and get my things together. Christian is still asleep when I come back out, and I contemplate leaving him a note, but I worry that it will get discarded if the kids decide to come in, so I send him a text that he'll hopefully see right when he wakes up.

Hey. I fell asleep in the library last night, so I didn't make it back to bed. I have some things to do today, so I'm heading out a little early. Just wanted to keep you informed. I hope you have a good day at work today and I hope to see you tonight. x

I give his sleeping form one last glance, and I can't resist a little kiss on the cheek as well. I remember how we felt on the water this weekend, surrounded by family, making a new start. That's still real. It has to be.

Before he wakes up and catches me gawking, I slip out and quietly close the door.

I plop myself into a chair in Catherine's waiting room, grateful for the light classical music coming from the radio on the shelf. I do feel marginally better after sweating it out this morning, but my anxiety for everything that's to come is creeping up, so I'll take whatever calming techniques I can get.

My phone has been tucked away in my bag since I left, and I'm a few minutes early, so I use this time to see if I've missed anything. My heart skips a beat when I see that I have a reply from Christian.

I love you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Don't give up on me yet.

I gasp and my chest starts to ache as I read the words over and over again. He sent this hours ago. It was just a fight… I hit the little phone next to his contact name and hold my breath.

"Hello, Christian Grey's phone."

"Andrea? It's Ana."

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Grey. He's in a meeting, I'll just go grab him."

"Oh, I—" But I hear the clatter of her setting the phone down.

After about thirty seconds, I hear the voice I wanted. "Ana?"

"I'm not giving up on you." Let's fix that right off the bat.

He's silent for a moment. "You're not?" he finally says quietly.

"Absolutely not. We didn't come this far just to come this far. I only paused so things didn't get out of hand. This conversation isn't over."

I hear him sigh in relief. "I called Eric to see if he could move our appointment up to tomorrow and he can."

It feels like a weight is lifted off my chest to hear this. One, because I want to get this hashed out in a session, and two, because if he's calling to make arrangements sooner, it shows that he's trying, and he wants us to be okay. He knows how I feel now and he's still trying. He can't have meant what he said, then. There's hope! "That's perfect. Thank you. I love you. Don't give up on me either."

"Never, Ana." The conviction in his tone eases the heaviness I feel even more.

"I have to go in a minute, I have therapy. Will you be home tonight?"

"Definitely."

"Okay. By the way, you really didn't have to leave a meeting to talk to me."

"Fuck that meeting. I love you, baby."

I giggle. "I love you, too." Catherine pokes her head out just then, and I end the call.

I sink into the couch as she grabs her file on me. "So, a lot has happened for you since we last saw each other. You moved back in with your husband?"

"Yes, I did…" God, that seems like it was way more than four days ago. "And then last night, we had a big fight."

"Oh, dear. What about?"

I take a deep breath and wrap my arms around myself. "Christian brought up trying for another baby, and I told him that I don't want more kids."

She nods and takes a note. "I see. Can you talk me through the conversation?"

"Well, you know that we were waiting on having sex. We recently started to again, and then right before we went to bed, he suddenly realized that we had never used protection and he said I could be pregnant. I informed him that that wasn't possible, because I have an IUD… and he didn't know about that. I had it put in when he was gone, and it, uh… I guess it never came up and I forgot to tell him. We never talked about kids since coming back together. So then, he seemed really upset that I didn't tell him and that I had it put in without him knowing… I was on birth control before, but a different one, and I wanted this because it's more permanent… and then he asked if I'll get it removed when we decide to have another baby. I just… blurted it out that I don't want to have more kids. And he took it really hard. At first, he seemed like he was taking it personally, like I don't want more kids with him, and then he seemed to get angry. He said, um… what about what he wants, and that he wanted to talk about more kids as soon as we reconciled, but he was waiting to keep me comfortable, expressed resentment that he did that and that I didn't tell him about my birth control, and then finally said that he should have known all the facts before he decided to move back in with me."

She continues writing for a moment after I stop talking, then leans back in her chair. "Was that the end of the conversation?"

"After he said that, I paused. He tried to backtrack immediately, but… I just needed space after that. It was really hurtful," I admit quietly.

"Have you spoken at all since?"

"Yes. Just now, in the lobby. It was positive. We both realize that there's more to discuss."

She nods, resuming her writing. "I want to go back to the core of the discussion. You have never specifically mentioned not wanting more children in your sessions with me, so I think it will be helpful if you explain it to me. Perhaps saying it out loud will clarify it more for both of us."

I start to fidget, my hands in my lap. "I… I can't have more," I say shakily.

She raises an eyebrow. "You can't have children?"

"No, no, I mean, as far as I know, I physically can. But… I can't. I can't. After Phoebe was born… I was such a shitty mother. I was so… I cried every day, my memories of her early life are so spotty because I could barely sleep, even worse than when you just have a newborn, I… there were some days that I didn't want to get up in the morning. I wished I wouldn't. I wanted to just not exist. I just felt so completely hopeless and drained of all life for seemingly no reason. I can't do that to another child. I can't do that to me. Something is just wrong with me. I shouldn't have more. I can't." Jesus. This went from 0 to 100.

"Ana. Slow down. It's okay." She gets up and slides the tissue box to me, then walks to the other side of the room and pours a glass of water. I take a tissue and it's not until I hold it up to my nose that I realize my face is saturated with tears.

She sets the water glass in front of me and returns to her chair, pinning me with a concerned gaze. "Now… correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm hearing is that it's not that you don't want to have another child, it's that you're completely and utterly terrified to."

A sob escapes my throat as she hits the nail on the head. Part of me is taken aback. On one level, I had no idea that I felt like this. But on a deeper level, I recognize that some hidden part of me feels seen, maybe for the first time. "I can't. I love them so much and it was so unfair to Phoebe that she didn't get the mother she deserved. She was so little, and she needed me, and I just couldn't fucking get it together."

"Ana," she says gently. "You weren't being treated, and you isolated yourself and hid your feelings from everyone who cared about you. Postpartum depression can very often be treated successfully with medication, and even so, just because you had symptoms with one pregnancy doesn't mean you'll get them in another. Every pregnancy is different. You didn't have these feelings when you had your son, did you?"

I shake my head. "No. I was tired and a little overwhelmed from trying to learn everything, but… it wasn't even close to how it was with Phoebe."

"I see. Now, I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't try to have a baby. That is completely up to you. Even Christian doesn't get to decide one way or another for you. It's your body. What I am saying is that if you choose to, we'll know to monitor you for symptoms, you have the opportunity to have a support system in place if in fact the symptoms do return, and I have every confidence that you will be an excellent mother to any child you have. I've noticed the way that you talk about your children, and it's clear that their well-being is a high priority for you."

"I… I just… I don't know. I don't know if I could handle it. I don't want to spend an entire pregnancy stressed and afraid, that wouldn't be good for the baby. And it's not fair to Christian to have to pick up the pieces if I can't be as present as I want to be again."

"Ana… may I share an opinion?" I nod. "I think this is something to discuss with Christian. He has clearly expressed interest in expanding your family, but I think could benefit from having an open and frank conversation about what you experienced in the past and your fears for the potential future. Have you done this at all before?"

"Um… no. I've realized and admitted that I was wrong to hide it from him, but I haven't gone back and described it or anything. It's over. It seems unnecessary."

"Well, it may be extremely helpful in helping your husband at least understand your feelings, and potentially, if one day you choose to, support you in another pregnancy and postpartum stage. And, Ana… it isn't over. You are still living with the repercussions of it. May I ask you a direct question?"

"Yes…"

"Answer in whatever way feels the most true. Do you want to have another child someday?"

"Yes… but I'm scared."

"So, you have the desire, but you fear the outcome."

"Exactly." I dab at the fresh tears trickling down. "But… I didn't know I wanted this until… until you said that. I just always told myself that it couldn't happen. I didn't leave space to feel whether or not I wanted it."

"Avoidance is a very common reaction to intense emotions. You probably knew on some level that it would bring you great distress if you seriously considered it, so as a survival mechanism, you locked those feelings away and threw away the key."

"And you're a goddamn locksmith," I mutter.

She laughs. "Perhaps that is my excuse for being here. But no matter what you decide, I'll be here to talk through it with you. You don't have to go through any of this alone, Ana." She smiles warmly at me and sets her clipboard down in her lap. "Now… that was a lot we just covered. What's going on in your head right now?"

"I… I think I have to explain to Christian. I think I blindsided him by just saying we're not having more kids, case closed, and not even really providing an explanation. We can do so much better than that. He's been so open and vulnerable with me… I haven't reciprocated fully."

"Do you want to be honest with him, or do you just feel like you quote, unquote should?"

I shake my head. "I want to. I just… yesterday blindsided me, too. I really hadn't processed anything of this, and my defenses came up and told me to shut the conversation down. I couldn't even go there."

"When is your next couples session?"

"Tomorrow."

"Well… I believe that Dr. Hughes is well-equipped to mediate this conversation, if you feel that you're ready."

I'm feeling a bit drawn out and exposed, but my previous ignorance wasn't exactly proving to be blissful. "I want to move forward. I do. It's just… I mean, look at me." I'm shaking, I still have a steady stream of tears flowing, and I'm basically curled into the fetal position on the sofa.

"Vulnerability is not easy. Is there anything specific coming up that worries you about showing how deeply this affects you?"

"I guess… I don't want to overwhelm him. Or scare him off, honestly. Part of me feels like it's better if I handle it myself."

"Better for who? Certainly not you."

"No… better for us, I guess. But even that feels… wrong now. He practically begs me to just be open with him. He's said multiple times that he wants to be that person for me. Why is that so hard?"

"We've discussed this, Ana. You had to learn at a very early age to be self-sufficient. You were forced to meet most of your own needs. Now, perhaps it's time to learn something new. That it's okay to ask for help. That it's human to lean on others. That softness is strength."

Softness is strength. "Thank you," I whisper.

She smiles. "For what, my dear?"

"For unlocking me."

I walk into the recording studio. The fresh, new, handmade-for-me place that Christian had commissioned. I set the folder on the table, sitting down to wait for Ezra. This felt like the place to take this step today. Today feels like the day to pursue new endeavors.

Though, not all of them comfortable…

Today's session with Catherine was one of the hardest I've ever had, but when I left, I felt… hope. Hope that there could, maybe, someday, be more options for me than I allowed myself to have. Hope that telling the truth, the whole truth, could be good for me, and be good for us. And hope that I don't have to do everything alone.

Well, to be fair, a lot of people have been telling me that. But I think today, I finally heard it.

"Knock, knock." I turn and see Ezra standing in the doorway. "How are you, love?"

"I'd rather ask you that, boyfriend." His cheeks turn pink, and I smile hugely. "I'm so happy for you. You know this is the most amazing thing, don't you?"

"I think I know better than anyone." He grins. "Thank you for pushing me in the right direction."

"I could say the same to you, many times over. And maybe one day, you'll have the pleasure of being related to me."

He blushes even brighter, and I laugh. "Okay, dear old sis. What have you dragged me here for today?"

Butterflies start to flutter in the stomach, and I swallow against them. "Have a seat?" I gesture towards the couch behind us.

"You seem nervous," he observes curiously.

I take a deep breath and smile. "Tell me something."

"Yes?"

"Do you mean it when you say that I'm the best you've ever worked with?"

"Undoubtedly. You're the most effortless and satisfying artistic partnership I've ever had." He cocks an eyebrow. I really have his attention now.

"Then how would you like to go into business with me?"

His eyebrows shoot towards the ceiling, and before he can answer, I hand him the folder. He gingerly opens it up and his eyes widen again as he peruses it. "You drew up a business plan?"

"I did."

He looks through the pages, carefully scanning. I wait, focusing on keeping steady breaths. Finally, he looks up. "A production company?"

"Yes."

"But you're in front of the mic."

"I was. I don't want to be forever."

"This… I…"

"Just listen." He sets the folder down on his lap, waiting. "I know you're a freelancer. But look at what you and I created together. My favorite thing about this whole experience was getting to explore untapped and seemingly unlimited creativity with you. You gave me that. The rest of it… I could take or leave. But what I know I want going forward, no matter what, is the creative process. And if you're interested, I'd like for us to be a team."

His mouth opens and closes a few times before he responds. "You'll still be in the spotlight."

"Perhaps. But less so. And I've thought of that. Look at the last page."

He flips to the last page again, and I can tell exactly when he sees what I'm talking about. "I'm… honestly a bit put out that I didn't think of this."

"You'll be the selling point, and I'll have a pseudonym." I can't wait any longer to ask. "What do you think?"

He rubs his chin. "I think… fuck. I'm intrigued. How are we investing?"

"What I earned from my music. I still have it all."

"Well, that's a fine chunk of change. What about your publishing company?"

"I'll oversee that publicly and this privately."

"You know that if you win awards for writing, people are going to find out who you are?"

"Maybe. But that's nothing new. People knew who I was before. They didn't care so much until I started to be a performer. If I take some time away from the public eye to fade into obscurity and let the next star rise, I think I'll be able to live the best of both worlds."

"I…" he starts, and then laughs. "I'm running out of reasons to say no to this."

"Then don't. We'll be partners. You can do whatever you want, work with whoever you want. You'll have creative control. I trust you more than anyone for that."

He shakes his head incredulously. "I'm starting to see why Christian up and gave you a company. So, you're proposing that we become a permanent production duo? You write, I mix?"

"Correct."

He smiles widely, and my heart swells with hope. "You know what? You've got a deal, Steele. Let's shake up show business."

He holds out his hand for a handshake, but I jump up and pull him into a hug instead, squealing like a little kid.

I finally walk into the house just before dinner is supposed to be served. Ezra and I spent hours talking shop, brainstorming potential contacts, and we even decided to record some of my newer creations just to christen the studio. All in all, it's been an exhausting, enlightening, exciting day.

"Mommy!" Teddy runs into the foyer where I'm lingering and tackles me. "I missed you!"

"I missed you, too, Teddy bear." My angel.

"Come on! Dinner!" He drags me towards the kitchen where Gail is just starting to plate the food.

Christian is standing at the counter with Phoebe in his arms and turns when he hears me come in. He smiles, almost shyly, and I start to smile back when Teddy yanks on my arm.

"Daddy? Aren't you going to kiss Mommy?" he says impatiently. Oh, you sly little rascal.

"Of course! Where are my manners?" He walks forward and plants a light, lingering kiss on my lips. His eyes search my face briefly when he pulls away, and I can see the worry in his expression. So, it's been a long day for both of us.

"Kisses!" Phoebe yells from her front row seat, lightening the moment.

"Hello, Ana," Gail says pleasantly. "Everything's all ready."

"Perfect. Thank you."

We eat a quick dinner of macaroni and cheese, a fan favorite around here, read a couple of books, and then get straight to bath and bed time. By the time I close Phoebe's door, Christian is just closing Teddy's door, and we turn to face each other in the hallway.

Without a word, he moves forward and pulls me into his arms. "Ana… what I said…"

"Hey." I pull back and look at him. His expression is troubled, repentant. "We both said some stupid, hasty things. We can go through all of that tomorrow. Right now, we're still us. None of the good that we share is gone."

He smiles, the tighten around his eyes easing up. "Pause?"

"Pause." He leans down to kiss me, and I meet him there happily.

A/N: I'm always amazed by the full spectrum of reactions whenever they have a conflict. It's all Ana's fault, it's all Christian's fault, they both played a role, and then of course some snide commenters that I will probably never please, lol. And I really wanted to thank my readers, because whenever I do receive more backlash than usual, there's always an answering wave of support, and I definitely notice it and appreciate it.

So, what did you think of Ana's side of the story? Her therapy session? Her proposal for Ezra? Lots happened this chapter. I'd love to know your thoughts.

We'll pick up in the next chapter from Christian's phone call with Elliot. I've already started writing it, so hopefully it won't be a long wait. Thank you for reading!