Chapter 15: Head of Fire

Cressida pushes her omelette around with the prongs of her fork, staring down at it in distaste with her chin in the scoop of her palm. Sirius and James are bantering about something to do with Quidditch over the table on her left, and on her right, Peter and Remus are talking about an article in the Daily Prophet.

Their words are a blur to her ears, hearing nothing but the scrape of metal against ceramic and the thud of her own heartbeat in her ears.

"Then why haven't you told me about you and Sirius?"

Merlin, she had been preparing herself for him to discover her lie, but she still blanked when he asked her. Cressida knew she couldn't tell him that it was a lie, but at the same time, falsely admitting that she has feelings for Sirius that they kept quiet felt like she was betraying James. And maybe she is betraying him in some way. By lying and hiding something that is at the forefront of her life. But she had followed the makeshift script that she and Sirius created.

That was a few weeks ago now.

"Oi! Evans!" James calls out down the table, breaking Cressida's trance. She doesn't look up. "Hogsmeade, this weekend?"

Lily, striding past with Marlene at her side only shakes her head with a tired smile. "In your dreams, Potter."

James winks, eyes tracing after her. "It sure is." Lily promptly rolls hers and doesn't look back as they pass their part of the table.

It almost feels natural to pretend to not care. Cressida only sighs, starting at the chunk of egg in front of her face, pierced by her fork. "After five years, you'd think you'd come up with better ways," she mutters. "And you'd also think that I'd one day remember how much I don't like Hogwarts' omelettes."

"It's because mine are the best," James asserts with a sly smile. "Nothing compares." Cressida laughs quietly, shaking her head at his morning arrogance. Her sight shifts off James, watching as Regulus strolls towards the Slytherin table. He sits down next to some fifth years that she often sees him around with.

Their exchange the other day had been… strange if Cressida has to describe it in one word. It wasn't exactly an enlightening experience, nor something she'd seek out again, but it was unusual, to say the least. So unlike his brother, yet she can't help but think that Sirius would be the same if he were put in Slytherin. Or maybe Regulus would be different if he were in Gryffindor as his brother has once prayed for.

"I hear your brother got Seeker," Cressida comments, interrupting whatever conversation was thriving in her mental absence. Regulus has recently been announced as Slytherin's new Seeker and Sirius has yet to comment. "Have you ever seen him play?"

Sirius shrivels his nose, glowering at nothing in particular. "Not since before Hogwarts."

"You're not worried, are you Padfoot?" James pesters. The rest of the group, minus Sirius and James roll their eyes at the nickname. It had been one of their ideas over the holidays but it's taken a while for it to catch on. "I mean, he looks like he'd be quick, but that's only because he's a skinny bastard. One bludger would knock him out for a season."

Sirius corrects James. "Not worried, just annoyed that I'll probably have to see him more." James makes an expression of mild agreeance.

Xx

Cressida stares at a wall of fire.

There's a quill in her hand that her fingers carelessly twirl around instead of writing on the empty parchment in front of her like the rest of the class is. Her thoughts are too occupied with wondering how Lily managed to grow her hair so long and healthy whilst Cressida has to cut hers off during the summer constantly to keep it in a somewhat decent condition. How come she gets such a vibrant colour and Cressida is stuck with brown?

Remus peeks over at her side of the table, nudging Cressida with his elbow. Her stare breaks off into a short glare at her friend who gestures down to her hands with his eyes. Cressida snaps her gaze downwards, cursing and dropping the quill as ink stains her hands. "What are you thinking about?" Remus whispers with a kind and gentle smile.

Remus has always been the softest of them all, even more so than quiet Peter. You have to be strong to have softness, otherwise it's just weakness. He's like that on purpose, Cressida believes. Soft, because he's scared that anything else would represent the other side of him.

"Lunch," she replies mirthfully then half turns in her seat. "Can I ask you something personal?"

Remus raises his brows at the unexpected question. "Uh, sure," he chuckles awkwardly, eyeing off Professor Flitwick who is distracted with writing on the board.

"Do you still like her?"

An invasive question and the least she can do is spare him the risk of Lily overhearing her name. Remus shifts in his seat, very aware of who she is implying. "Honestly? I don't know."

Cressida purses her lips, taking a moment to digest his response, her finger tapping on the spine of her chair. "You think she's pretty?"

Remus' eyes dart towards Lily, then trace along the floor until they reach Cressida's feet and he forces them back up. He nods stiffly. "Yeah," he breathes. "Really pretty."

Cressida berates herself for such a silly question. Of course he thinks she's pretty. "What about Marlene? I think she's gorgeous." Her jaw just out to the side slightly, very curiously watching his reaction. Remus furrows his brows over his eyes which this time dart in the direction of the blonde beauty.

"I mean, yeah, she's definitely attractive," Remus agrees in a hushed whisper.

Cressida nods. "Then why do you think James likes Lily over Marlene?" she questions. "Sure, attractiveness isn't everything, but Marlene is just as head-strong and talented. A bit more straightforward and blunt, but still one of the most attractive people in the school - by my standards anyway."

Remus shifts again, evidently growing nervous. "I don't know, Cress. James doesn't really talk about Lily to me a lot." He turns back straight in his seat as a sign that he wants to end the conversation, but Cressida consciously ignores that.

"Really?" she piques. "He never used to shut up about it."

He shrugs. "Maybe he's finally run out of things to say about her." The answer doesn't satisfy her, but she doesn't push anymore. Remus sighs at her quietness, despite seeking it seconds ago. "Why are you thinking about it?"

Cressida swallows, staring at the head of black hair a few rows in front and below them in the theatre structured classroom. "I'm just trying to understand why Lily of all the girls in the school. What made her so special?"

"She amused him," Remus answers quicker than she expected. Cressida turns to stare at him instead, utterly perplexed by the answer. He stiffens, readjusting his elbows on the wooden desk.

"Amused him?" she draws out. "That sounds-"

"Worse than I meant," Remus interjects. "He… Lily's rejection…created a goal." Cressida continues to stare at him, her lips parted in a mix of interest and bemusement. "His attraction was fuelled off the desire to have something which he couldn't."

Her mouth rounds, effusing a sound of understanding. "So he likes the chase" she concludes. She recalls the conversation she had with James last year in the library when they spoke about something similar. "But… why chase her then? That doesn't explain why Lily is so special."

"And I don't think she is." Remus leans back as he emerges himself into their hushed conversation even more. "Do you think James hasn't had crushes on other girls these past five years?" That's exactly what she thought. Remus nods to her silent response. "He doesn't know how to handle them so he just continues with what he does know-"

"Lily," Cressida finishes, head turning straight.

He's doing what she does – pretending that part of her doesn't exist. She's been James' friend for so long that the thought of changing that terrifies her and now she can imagine that James must feel a similar way with his own feelings. If he has a crush on Marlene, he's just going to ignore it until it goes away and keep his efforts with Lily up because… he knows what her response is going to be. It's a routine. A routine that he's comfortable in because the entire school already knows of their one-sided love affair and public rejection has become a game to him.

"James told me he was in love."

"He did?"

Cressida nods. Remus places his quill down quietly. "Do you think he his?"

She looks back to the side with cold and hard eyes, demanding an answer from the kind and gentle boy beside her. Remus doesn't hold her gaze, his eyes wandering around the space between them. "James might exaggerate sometimes, but he's not a liar," he answers carefully. "If he said that to you, then it's probably true."

"So which one is it then?" she mutters, folding her arms and sinking further into her chair. "Is he in love or is he chasing Lily because of some unbreakable habit."

Remus murmurs, "Why can't it be both? When did he tell you this?"

"A couple of weeks into the holidays, he asked for my opinion about Lily." Bitterness sits in her mouth at the words alone, spreading out through every limb. "Then he asked what I would think if he said he loved her."

"What did you say?"

"I… didn't really say anything really. I just asked him if he was in love and he said he was."

Remus pinches his fingers in a circle, leaning close and completely forgetting the lesson happening around them. "What were his exact words?"

Cressida' lips part with a sharp sigh. "He said, 'I think I am in love'." The tightness in her face softens at the sight of Remus' pinched brows and unease.

"Did he say explicitly with Lily?" Remus questions lowly.

"Not in that exact sentence, but that's who we were talking about. Why-" She cuts herself off, lips closing again with a slow exhale. "I'm sorry." If Remus still has feelings for Lily, talking about his best mate's love confession wouldn't exactly be a topic that he takes pleasure in joining.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Lupin! Hawthorne!" The two students' heads snap in the direction of Professor Flitwork who sighs exasperatedly, fists resting on his hips. "Detention, the both of you this afternoon."

Cressida's chest rises, preparing to argue as Remus only grumbles and picks his quill back up but she is stripped of the opportunity as the bell dings and the class ends.

The detentionees mope their way out of the classroom with the rest of the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff sixth-years. "You two were off in your own world," Peter says as the five of them stroll towards their next class. "Flitwick told you to be quiet at least four times."

"He needs to speak up then," Cressida grumbles, "because we didn't hear him once."

"What were you talking about?" James presses. His shoulders move confidently with each step in his normal arrogant and prideful strut. The younger students move out of the way in the corridors well before he reaches them. "I tried to get your attention and you didn't even see that."

"Chocolate," Remus answers with a slow laugh. "A very important debate."

Cressida nods affirmatively. "We decided anything with caramel is the best." Her smile falters as James walk ahead of them with his wand in hand. "A-James! Where are you going!?"

"Going to get detention!" he replies with a cheeky grin, moving into a jog.

Sirius stares James' back as he runs down the corridor with a serious expression. After a moment of internal debate, Sirius sprints after him. "I'm coming too!"

Remus and Cressida look to Peter who is still striding next to them. "I'd prefer not to, if you don't mind," he says. The pair chuckle, shaking their heads and begin running through their ideas of what Sirius and James would be getting up to.