Author's Note: This would be the first thing I've written on this site. I had an idea for this silly kind of story with absurd characterizations brewing in my head for a while now, and figured I may as well type it up and upload it for all to see. I cannot make any promises about the quality.
If you notice any spelling or grammatical errors, feel free to point them out to me. In fact, please do so, I always strive to uphold linguistic rules and would hate for any mistakes to slip on by.
Published 7/14/2015
The Beginning of the End of the Beginning
Ganondorf lazed on the sofa, scratching his ass with one hand while eating with the other. He had no idea what these salty, vaguely cheese-flavored objects he was ingesting were made of, and if he weren't a nigh-immortal warlock he'd probably die from whatever arcane chemicals went into their production. But damn if they didn't taste good.
It would be a bit of time before the fourth official Super Smash Bros. tournament was under way. Master Hand was still setting up, and none of the newcomers had arrived yet- many likely hadn't even received their invitation in the mail yet. Interdimensional postage was notoriously slow, as Master Hand often lamented.
A couple stray veterans were already on site- mostly those with nothing better to do in their home dimension, or in R.O.B.'s case no real home dimension to speak of. The "original eight", consisting of Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Kirby, Pikachu, Samus, and Fox, were also present, to help greet newcomers and assist Master Hand in preparing the mansio-
No, you know what? The idea of a mansion is overused. Let's call it… the Smash Hotel? Manor? Condominium? …Ah, screw it. It's about to get utterly wrecked anyway.
Besides Ganondorf, Samus was also sitting in the living area of the mansion, cleaning her armor and making sure it was up to her standards. She observed him shoveling food into his mouth.
"You're getting out of shape, you know, sitting around eating junk food and watching TV all day."
Ganondorf mumbled obscenities at her with a full mouth and threw a chip at her, which bounced off her shoulder and landed on the carpet. She resisted the urge to peck at it, and picked up the remote control, switching over to a different channel.
"Hey, I was watching that!"
"You've seen it a hundred times already."
"Yeah, and my favorite part was about to-"
At that moment, and precisely that moment, the earth below them underwent an upheaval, causing the entire building to shake. Link, who was on top of a stepladder helping Master Hand set up a large welcoming banner in the foyer, tried to keep his balance, letting out a sigh of relief as the quaking stopped and he was stable again.
Master Hand swiftly turned around, knocking the stepladder and Link down anyway. "What was that just now?" He floated over to the window and peered out, insofar as a gigantic eyeless gloved hand can peer.
"Huh. Maybe Groudon's pissed that I didn't invite it back as a Pokéball summon."
The sky was suddenly torn asunder as a large shimmering sphere expanded out of nowhere, engulfing a large portion of the horizon.
"Well, that's unusual."
Several more spherical chunks of space were then displaced by new ones forming, whatever they were.
"Link, go investigate."
Link finally pulled himself out from under the stepladder and banner, only for another gloved white hand, this one a lefty, to grab him and begin squeezing him like a stress ball. Crazy Hand cackled, before spiking him onto the ground and flopping all over him.
"Okay, uh… Fox, go investigate!"
Fox, who was standing nearby eating peanut butter, nodded. "I'll do my best. Andross won't have his way with me!"
"Andross isn't here. The Assist Trophy of him is just a digital recreation."
"I'm on my way!"
Fox ran outside, hopped into his Arwing, and flew into the largest sphere, disappearing into it.
"Maybe I shouldn't have sent him alone…"
Kirby walked up to Master Hand, ignoring the convulsing Crazy (Whom Link had managed to crawl away from, not that Crazy Hand noticed), and looked at the spheres pocking the landscape and sky. "You know, those look an awful lot like those Subspace ball thingies from last time. Except not all shadowy," the puffball said.
Master Hand rubbed his nonexistent chin thoughtfully. "You know, you're right. Perhaps they are dimensional anomalies."
At that moment, the world shook again, and more holes began to open up even closer to the mansion. Master Hand gasped, grabbed Kirby and Link, and flew into the living area where the other Smash Bros. were busy panicking.
"Everyone! I don't know what's happening out there, but we must evacuate immediately!"
Samus sighed. "Yeah, yeah, timed escape sequence. What's happening, anyway? Planet going to explode? Evil dimensional rifts being torn open in space-time?"
R.O.B. slid into the doorway from an adjacent hallway. "Affirmative. Numerous distortions detected in the surrounding-"
At that moment a relatively small sphere expanded within the mansion itself, taking out the rooms behind R.O.B. as well as severing the back half of R.O.B.'s body, causing it to sputter and fall apart, dead. Smoke emanated from the deceased robot's head wound.
Master Hand gasped again in horror. "Oh, no! My office was there!"
Another rift opened, this one engulfing the television as well as the sofa Ganondorf was laying on.
"Hey, Ganondork got eaten." Pikachu idly commented, more interested in cleaning under his nails than whatever was going on.
The earth shook one last time before most of the rifts shrunk away, leaving empty holes where they once were. Much of the mansion promptly collapsed, with nothing but air supporting several upper floor areas. The large hole that Fox had disappeared into remained, now visible from the ruined building.
Master Hand was silent for a moment, before shrugging. "Well, I needed to remodel the house anyway. Might as well build it anew. Anyway, it looks like we have a mystery on our hand, gang!"
"Hands," Samus corrected.
"For you, maybe. Anyway, somebody or something is meddling with… the fabric of dimension itself."
A suspense chord followed his statement.
"Don't you mean 'fabric of space'?"
"No, see, space is all the area in a single dimension. If time and space are the x- and y-axis of reality, these are holes being torn along the metaphorical z-axis… I think."
"You don't sound very confident," Pikachu remarked.
"You don't sound very shut up. I want you seven- Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Kirby, Pikachu, and Samus. Oh, and Yoshi- to go into that big hole outside and tell me what's on the other side. Fox already went in."
Donkey Kong stood up and adjusted his tie. "Very well. Our assectation of our vulpine compatriot was all but ensured by your rash decision to send him off on his own," he lightly sighed, putting his newspaper down and slipping his reading spectacles back into some unseen pocket on his person. "Let us be off. Ideally, this venture will remain brief yet fruitful."
Yoshi cheerfully stood up. "Hooray! We get to go on a fun fruit-full adventure!"
"Yay, 'adventure', whatever. Hopefully you go in alone and it's a hole into outer space where there's no fruit. Oh, and also you die," Pikachu dismissed Yoshi's optimism, before addressing Master Hand. "Anyway, I'm too important for this. I have a multi-billion dollar franchise to be the mascot of. I'm not wandering into holes to Arceus-knows where I'll be torn apart or have my cute visage permanently disfigured."
"You don't have much of a choice in the matter."
"Oh, and why is that?"
If Master Hand could grin, he would have, before gesturing at the wrecked pile of mansion with his thumb. "Because all your rooms and beds just got destroyed, beeyotch! And I'm not rebuilding them unless you do as I say!"
Kirby looked up thoughtfully at the ruined second floor. "Actually, my room still looks intact."
Master Hand shot a finger missile at his room, destroying it.
The seven gathered Nintendo mascots stood at the edge of the large rift.
"Okey-dokey… I suppose I'll lead?" Mario asked.
"No objections," Samus commented.
"You will not hear any complaint from me, my erstwhile rival. Your leadership and intuition are often propitious to our success," Donkey Kong added.
"Meh, whatever Dong just said," Pikachu added.
"Yep! Go ahead, Mario!" Yoshi smiled.
Link nodded silently.
"You're pretty much always the leader, so yeah, lead on." Kirby said.
Mario stepped through the spherical portal, disappearing to another realm. The others, save for Pikachu, followed behind him. Pikachu smirked once everyone else was gone, and began walking back to the mansion, only for Master Hand to rocket out and flick him through with his middle finger.
"Self-centered bastard."
The giant hand floated back to the Swiss-cheesed remains of the mansion, and was greeted by Mr. Game and Watch clutching his back.
"Can't you kids keep it down? I'm trying to sleep up there! And all that shaking made me fall out of my bed and now my back aches! And then what do I see, but my south wall is gone, almost giving me a heart attack! Though the view was quite pretty. You there, hand! I have some complaints about how you run this ship of yours! So sit down and get comfortable, whippersnapper!"
Master Hand sighed, before "sitting" down on a chair. It was far better to let him ramble on for an hour about something asinine and pretend to listen than to endure two hours of him rambling about being ignored.
Ganondorf furiously clicked the power button on his remote control, trying to get the TV's display to light back up.
"No. NO! What in the Goddesses' names is going on?!"
He rolled off the couch and began pouring over the television set, trying to figure out the problem. He was no electrician, and had no idea how to troubleshoot modern technology; however, even he eventually concluded that the cable running from the back of the set, severed from its interdimensional journey, was the culprit. Of course, even if it were plugged in it wouldn't have any reception, not that he knew that.
"Damn you!"
He threw the remote through the screen, smashing it. For good measure he pulled his Sage's Sword out and rammed it through the television before kicking it over and stomping on it. Calmed, he sheathed his sword and looked around from the small circular section of mansion floor that got ported over with him.
"Hmmph. …Shit, where am I?"
Ganondorf looked around at his new surroundings, sneering at the disgustingly saccharine woolly world he had found himself in.