What Would Broz Do
A Tale Less Interesting than Hestia Carrow's Tits.
"Oi! Harrykins," a familiar voice called out from behind Harry as he was trudging towards the library. It was the first Hogsmeade visit for the – well, ever, since neither he nor any of his classmates had been before, and he was banned from visiting because of the looming specter of the madman Sirius Black. He'd thought he'd been in the clear, but it turned out McGonnagal had cast some sort of forgery detection spell on his permission slip from 'Uncle Vernon', and that had nixed any hopes of that. Ron had been defiant and declared he wouldn't go, but Harry had told him not to be an idiot on his behalf, and at least bring them back a lot of sweets.
Ron had given Harry a sour smile at that – just a few weeks ago Ron and Harry had absconded from Filch's office with an absolute dragon's horde of sweets and gag gifts, among other less savory things, so it was hardly as if they were going to be in short supply of Honeyduke's chocolates this side of graduation. Ron knew perfectly well that it was the sights of Hogsmeade that mattered, the experience, but he hadn't said anything further until, apparently, now.
"Hi, Fred" Harry replied while turning around, doing his best to look cheerful and carefree. Ron was grinning like a madman next to his older brother, while Fred had the perfectly mastered look of complete innocence.
"Ronny told us of the situation and George and I have a little something of a proposition for you." Fred spoke softly as he closed the distance, leading Harry towards an empty classroom as he did so. "Thought long and hard about your plight, we did, and our first thought was to use the You Know What to get you out through a secret passage."
Harry looked up, hopeful. He hadn't thought of that, with the Marauder's Map and his Invisibility Cloak he had the perfect escape set – he must have really been in a rut to not have made that connection sooner. But just as he was about to pipe up, Fred shook his head.
"Only problem is, anything worth going to in Hogsmeade is packed to the brim, yeh? Not like you can enjoy a look around Zonko's or grab a butterbeer when nobody is allowed to see you. Suppose someone sat on you – be a mite awkward that."
"I suppose…"
"So the better option is that you be seen! The perfect disguise."
"What are you, - oh!" Harry's eyes widened as Fred pulled out a mud colored potion in a glass vial. Ron's gave him a grin so bright Harry was surprised he wasn't screaming Lumos.
"Polyjuice. Brilliant!"
"It's po-" Fred cut off. Looking suspiciously between the two younger boys. "And how exactly do you two know about Polyjuice?"
Ron and Harry shared a look. "Snuck into the Slytherin common rooms last Christmas," Harry said at last after a short nod from Ron.
Now it was Fred's turn to look absolutely gobsmacked. "Crikey." He said at last. "Don't supposed you'd be willing to share some stories about that? We know where it is of course but we've never been inside."
"Bit dull, actually. Lot's of snakes, dark. Green and silver. Very hoity toity la di da," Ron grumbled.
Harry shrugged. "We were trying to get information out of Malfoy disguised as Crabbe and Goyle."
At Fred's blank look, Harry elaborated. "The two gits who hang around Draco."
"Always look like they're having a hard time figuring out the magic end of the wand," Ron added. Fred nodded in comprehension.
"Anyway, didn't see much. So then," Harry gestured to the vial in Fred's hand. "Who would I be disguised as? Pretty sure the teachers know who can go into Hogsmeade and who is staying behind. And be a bit weird if I ran into my twin."
"Ah that's the genius of it," Fred responded as he passed Harry the vial. "You're going to be me!"
Harry coughed. "Wot?"
"Brilliant isn't it?! Drink it down, then, no time to waste." As he did so, he pulled another vial out of his pocket and handed it to Ron. Ron stared at the vial for a second in trepidation, then as Harry started to transform - freckles sprouting across his arms – he shuddered once then tipped his own vial down his throat.
"Ron's going to be George," Fred explained, his grin widening maddeningly. "Be a mite suspicious if Ron was hanging out with me and George was nary to be seen. Much better this way."
Harry felt a slightly dizziness as the transformation stopped. Ron looked to be about finished to – though he had started after Harry, the changes weren't so great – a little taller, hair a little messier and features shifted here or there ever so slightly.
"Robes are a looking a little tight there, Fred, allow me." Fred whisked his wand and twirled it at Harry, and he felt his tie loosen slightly and his robes filled out just a little bit more, covering his wrists and ankles once more.
"Much better, can't have you out there looking anything less than your best."
"Thanks Fred-" whoa, that was weird. He hadn't said much as Crabbe beyond grunts and the like, and then he had tried to force the accent; it was weird hearing Fred's voice come from him without any attempt to put it on. "So erm, what do you two plan on doing while we're out?"
"Never you mind that, Harrykins." Fred snickered, looking now for all the world like the cat that ate the canary. "You boys go have a nice time in town. Really, don't hold back. Make sure half the school would be willing to swear to the full Wizengamot that Fred and George Weasley were having a good old time in Hogsmeade and certainly weren't anywhere else!" He shoved a flask into each of their hands and instructions to be sure to drink every hour and the hour throughout the afternoon, and then dashed out, leaving the two doppelgangers in his wake.
Ron's – George's – face fell, and Harry had the sinking feeling that Ron hadn't been informed either that they had been hoodwinked into being the twins' alibis for goodness knows what.
"Nothing for it now," Ron hissed at Harry through clenched teeth as they made their way to the carriages that would carry them to the magical village in the vale beneath Hogwarts. "And anyway, whatever they get up to in the castle, by the time they get called on it we'll be us again. So really, I think we'll be ok."
Harry nodded, trying to look more confident that he felt. Both to boost Ron's spirits and also because if he was going to be Fred he needed to at least look the part, and the twins never looked like they were afraid that they were about to be caught, no matter how utterly redhanded they might have been discovered.
"Plus we've been passing on our stuff to them – I think this is supposed to be a thank you for us, even if they are having a laugh about it." Harry added, then lightening as he did so. That was actually a really good point.
"Right, let's get going then. Have to see the Shrieking Shack first, yeh? Bill and Charlie went on about it for ages after they first saw it. Then what, you reckon?"
Harry climbed into the carriage and thought for a minute as he took his seat, getting comfortable. "Let's get the you know what out the way next; then we can really enjoy ourselves afterward."
Ron nodded, and before he could carry the conversation a distinctly feminine voice let out, "Budge over boys, it's bloody freezing out here." A second later, Katie and Leanne shoved there way into the carriage, and Harry found himself smushed up against his fellow quidditch teammate a second later, as Leanne sat next to Ron.
Harry and Ron shared a look. Not that they had anything against sharing a carriage with some older girls – one of whom Harry was friendly enough with in a 'we share a common activity' sort of way, but it was obvious to both of them that they would have a harder time keeping up the façade if people Fred and George were friendly with were in close contact with them.
Fortunately, the two girls were apparently more interested in the warm carriage than Fred and George's company, and were ignored in favor of tales of gossip among the fourth year girls, in particular just who Cormac McLaggen had been caught snogging in the third floor broom closet
Or so he thought.
"Fred!" Harry jumped a bit in his seat, startled. He turned to Katie, who was looking at him archly. "Nothing to add to that? The pair of you have just been sitting silently and not even hearing a mention-" her voice fell to a hushed whisper, which Harry should have found comical in the privacy of the carriage. "- Hestia Carrow's tits – has neither of you interested?"
"What are you two planning," she asked after another moment's silence.
"… well I was thinking about how I might have a go at Hestia Carrow," Ron blurted a moment later. Harry let out a surprised boom of a laugh, and Katie and Leanne could not have looked more appalled than if Ron had declared his intention to defecate right there in the carriage.
"That sounds like a splendid idea," Harry replied, doing his best to sound breezy.
Katie looked disgusted. "Oh please don't tell me this is some gross identical twin couple fetish you've got. Can you just imagine, two little identical sets of red and green walking through the halls."
"I'd rather not," Leanne added.
Harry thought about that for a tic – that's right, there were two Slytherins in the year above him that were identical twins. Bit amazing that, when you thought about it, how many twins there were in the wizarding world. Maybe magic had something to do with – he was getting off topic.
"Nah, nothing like that," Harry replied, deciding Fred and George wouldn't begrudge a cockblock that they never even knew about while filing away the possibility for him and Ron to introduce themselves to the twins at a later date. "Just saying they're nice, is all."
Katie snorted. "You pervs go back to your fantasies," She turned back to Leanne, and Harry thought it wise not to point out she was the one who pulled them into the conversation in the first place. Ron gave him a shaky grin, and kept silent as well.
They split ways with the girls as the carriages arrived in Hogsmeade, with vague promises to maybe meet up at the Three Broomsticks if they happened on each other later. Ron and Harry made their way through the high street then turned off towards the shrieking shack with about a third of the students; but for all the stories it was just a ramschackle looking hut that didn't shake or howl or even go whoooooooooooo so after the Basilisk and The Whomping Willow and a possessed and murderous defense teacher it was a bit anticlimactic and the two left in mild disappointment and decided to check out the rest of the town.
Thankfully, the rest of the town didn't disappoint at all. The Owl Post was a sight just for the sheer number and variety of birds that put even the Hogwarts owlery to shame; and featured a small number of other birds available to deliver post as well, though Harry could only imagine a prat like Malfoy would be willing to pay the listed prices just for the pleasure of having his morning post delivered by a raven or even (he double checked just to be sure he read that right) a vampire bat.
"Cor, can you imagine the wankers who would pay that," Ron said beside him. "Mind you, be worth a laugh to see Percy if a horde of bats came down on him during his morning cuppa."
Harry smiled to himself imagining the same, only coming down into Aunt Petunia's kitchen.
"Think I'll stick with Hed- with owls," Harry replied at last.
From there it was an obligatory stop into the joke and sweet shops, more to somewhat make good on the 'deal' with Fred and George to be seen in public places and also for an interest in what other things their unknown benefactors produced that might be of interest in the future. Ron seemed to be having the same thoughts. "We could come back with the, you know," he whispered as they stared at a case of fanged frisbees that were flying around in their cage. "Get all sorts of stuff for when everyone's run out of sweets, and then sell it to everyone. No sense in stopping now that we've got a good thing going."
Harry nodded, and speaking of… "Think we better get to it then, yeh?" Ron nodded, and the two boys left the crowded, student-filled shop for a second hand junk shop at the end of the high street that, through some discrete enquiries they had sussed out as perfect for their needs.
The Niffler's Nook, a haphazardly placed and gilded sign proclaimed over the door of a rather small and dingy looking shop, with a gold outlined NIffler occasionally burrowed under the ff as if looking for something shiny. Sharing a look, the two entered, to be greeted with mountains of all sorts of things in precarious piles.
"Hello, hello!" called a voice from somewhere in the back of the shop. "Feel free to look around, and call out if you need anything!"
How they were to find anything in particular, Harry wasn't sure, but it wasn't long before they had come up with a small pile of things that Harry and Ron were certain they could find some use for, even if it wasn't immediately decipherable what precisely that purpose might be.
"Be dead useful if we needed to talk to one another from a distance," Ron said dubiously, holding a tiny hand mirror in a garish frame up to his face. His reflection though popped up on its twin, which Harry was holding, Ron's voice sounding rather tinny as it came out of it.
"People might think it a bit odd that we're holding these, wherever we are," Harry replied, though he was now walking away from Ron, giving the thing a bit of a test.
"Ah! Talking mirrors, a valuable find indeed," came the voice again, this time connected to a very stout little man with a bristly black moustache in a suede suit. "Not many of them made anymore, I'm afraid. Good as new though," he paused ever so slightly as Ron's voice came back through, sounding as tinny as ever. "Sound quality isn't quite what it was, but perfectly audible between anywhere in Britain. Just five galleons for the pair."
"Yeah, why not?" Ron replied through the mirror, though Harry could also hear is normal voice as he came around another gigantic stack of mostly junk.
They left with an expandable trunk that was mostly clapped out but would (should) at least hold enough of their ill-gotten loot that they didn't need to worry about others coming across it or giving the lot to Fred and George on the cheap, and a few other assorted odds and ends – the talking mirrors, an expandable owl cage that Harry considered a superior improvement to what Hedwig usually had to deal with while at number four, some enchanted bits and pieces that Harry wasn't sure what they would do with but hadn't cost more than a few sickles each, and most importantly, three enchanted but absolutely ancient racing brooms, the sort that made the school brooms look fresh by comparison.
Ron stroked one tenderly like it was a double of Hestia Carrow's tits. Then Harry put everything into their new trunk and the shopkeeper graciously shrunk it for them to fit into Harry's pocket. Harry pocketed it.
Ron looked at his new pocket watch, an exceptionally gaudy thing that while did nothing more than keep track of time, did so with much enthusiasm and excited squeaks and exclamations that they had felt bad about leaving it behind.
"Two forty-four! No, no. Wait for it, waaaaaaaait for it…." Silence. "Two forty-five!"
"Think we ought to go try a butter beer then?" Ron asked, looking up at the low hanging afternoon sun.
"Yeh, let's." Harry replied with a shrug, though his grin gave a way his enthusiasm for the drink the twins (and other older students, to be fair) had been badgering the third years about for weeks.
"Still say it's pants your mum wouldn't let you try it before," Harry replied as they sauntered out back onto the main thoroughfare. Ron rolled his eyes. "One of those things innit. Hogwarts Express. Not telling me about the sorting hat, Hogsmeade and stuff… supposed to be Hogwarts traditions and all that." Ron's voice was gruff, but he knew his friend well enough to know that he was pleased as punch to have these sort of traditions. Harry's heart tugged a bit at that, just for a second.
"You parents are great," he said instead. "And I'm glad we get to, you know," he mumbled off, feeling a little embarrassed.
"Yeah." Ron said, sharing a moment. Then gave him a thump on the back. "There it is," he pointed to the pub at the end of the road, a constant stream of students going in and out. "Let's go!"
Fred and George were apparently quite popular, and a score of students came up to them here and there as they nursed their drinks in the cozy atmosphere of the bar and in the various and varied delights of the barkeep, Madame Rosmerta. Thankfully, the place was so bustling that they were never involved in any serious conversation, though the general pattern was incredulity at their lack of bulging bags of jokes and a look of skepticism at their declarations that they were up to nothing more than enjoying a nice drink. Lee Jordan – the twins' best friend stopped by only to give them a very self-satisfied and all-knowing smirk.
The two somewhat sleepy and satisfied boys went back up the hill by foot to the school, deciding a walk would be just the thing after they had stayed for another few drinks that turned into a few of Madame Rosmerta's meat pies as well. But at long last their time was coming to an end and worrying that they might be caught without any remaining potion if they weren't able to get into a carriage in time – or worse, transform in the carriage in front of other students – they opted for the longer but more discrete path. Feeling smug from an outing well done and if without any particular hilarity then also without any particular risk or punishment, they ambled up the hill sharing jokes and recounting the day's events.
To be met with a sour looking Snape, a purse-lipped McGonagall, and an absolutely frothing at the mouth Filch.
"It was them, I know it was them," Filch spat as Harry and Ron came into sight. Harry couldn't help but quickly looking at his hand – nope he was still Fred.
"Professor?" Harry asked as innocently as he could, directing his attention entirely onto Professor McGonagall, his head of house. She might be strict and no-nonsense, but she was leagues a better choice to focus any squirming he was about to do than Filch or Snape.
"Mister Weasley, Weasley." McGonnegal answered, clipping the words so short it was almost a single syllable between both names.
"It's always them," Filch was still going off like a siren. "Them or their nasty little brother and Potter. The four of them should be expe-"
"Oy!" Ron replied.
"Enough of that," McGonagall turned, giving a sharp look at the squib caretaker. She turned back to Harry and Ron. "You boys were in Hogsmeade for the entire day, you say?"
"Yes Professor," Harry piped up as Ron continued to scowl at Filch. "He even signed us out!" He added, trying to sound as aggrieved as he could that Filch could be so rotten as to forget something like that. To be fair, he was fairly annoyed with Filch even on a good day so it wasn't difficult."
"Perhaps we should take them to my office anyway; seeing a Weasley coming back from Hogsmeade empty handed is suspicious enough, in my book."
To his dismay, McGonagall looked like she considered Snape to have made a fair point. Hell, Harry figured it was a fair point. He and Ron had done enough over the past two and a half years that he knew what was, to be fair from another perspective, a sign he and Ron were probably up to no good. Not that he was going to admit that just now.
"Out of money," Ron said through gritted teeth. "Mum, after our last… couldn't buy anything."
McGonagall's look of suspicion was replaced with a dirty look at Snape and a gaze of dare he say it slight embarrassment.
"That's enough then, up to the common room with you, don't you dare loiter or I'll dock house points. Off you go."
They didn't need to be told twice, ducking past the professors and hurrying into the Castle.
Or what had been a castle. Because everything they saw from the Great Hall, to the staircases, to the various halls and corridors leading to Gryffindor Tower was one enormous swamp. Complete with what sounded like some sort of giant lizard coming from the landing on the fourth floor.
"What the hell did those two do!?" Ron whispered as they hurried past and up to the fifth. "They almost did us in. They did the whole school in! That's the last time I ever trus-"
"Let's just get back," Harry hissed back. "Great cover by the way," Harry paused for a second. "What did you brothers do that got your mum to cut their pocket money."
Ron shrugged. "No idea. Dunno if she did. But she's always threatening it and I reckon they've probably done something."
Harry gave him a slap on the back, which turned into more of a clutch of his robes as he slipped on a particularly rancid bit of slime just past the portrait of Malvolio the Mischievous.
"Brilliant."
By the time they got back to the common room, they were covered head to toe in filth. Which actually all things considered was ok, as it allowed two grubby boys to rush through the fairly empty (minus a group of huddled first and second years astonished by the transformation outside) common room and up to the dormitory bathrooms. No one said boo when ten minutes later it was Harry Potter and Ron Weasley who headed back down to the common room, rather than the twins.
"Ah, Harrykins, Ronnykins! Did you have a splendid day in the Library, wot?" Fred – the real Fred – came up and gave them a beaming smile. "Quite a shocking state to find old Hoggy Woggy in when we got back, can't imagine what happened in our absence."
Ron punched Fred in the arm. "You're a git. We almost got caught and put in Snape's office, you prat." Fred looked like Christmas might have come early. Ron calmed down after a minute – they hadn't been in any hotter water than they'd been in plenty of times before. "But yeah, we had a good time… thanks," he added grudgingly.
Fred nodded. "Happy to help," he said, sounding oddly serious and giving Harry a nod. He flicked his wand, and Harry felt a pressure come down on their heads. "Privacy charm," Fred replied, flicking his head at the younger students who were not really paying them any attention in the first place. "Our portable swamp is a bit too powerful, we'll have to figure out how to tone it down a bit."
Harry snorted. "Yeah, just a bit."
"Sorry for not telling you about it earlier, but well… it was funnier this way."
"Git," Ron punched him again.
"Fred, before you go," Harry added as Fred tussled Ron's hair and prepared to leave. "We had a very interesting erm, conversation with Katie on the way down and I was thinking…"
"Go on, Harry my wee lad, that's the most interesting expression I've seen on your face all day."
"How might one go about encouraging the school to take a more active approach to interhouse cooperation?"
AN: Thanks for reading. Been a while since I've written HP and wanted to put pen to paper so to speak; nothing particularly deep or daring here. Thanks to everyone for the reviews and comments over the years, sorry that life's been busy (in a good way for the most part, I'm married now, have nephews, etc etc) and haven't necessarily responded in a way that might be called prompt. I've written/writing in some other niche fandoms/styles under the name Penguin45, so if you like my stuff give that account a checkout, although I don't blame you if it's not your thing.
Hope you've all been safe and well as can be. Long live Harry/Daphne. Until next time, vlad.