The thing is, I'm a very slow writer and writing in English makes things even slower, because I'm always checking words and translations and unable to express certain things like body language and movements. Just wanted to say that because I know my writing must look very simplistic, and now I have a hard time writing fanfictions in French because it feels unnatural that Severus would speak this language! Please feel free to correct any mistakes I made ?

Also I'm looking for recommendations for German fanfictions (the usual, Severus and Albus and or Minerva, hurt and comfort, friendship, angst…) cause I need to improve in this language as well.

Just a much needed reminder for Severus.

Too much. He had been given too much and, as skilled and determined as he was, his tongue was now a pile of bloody flesh, and his lips had been bitten so many times large trickles of blood had coloured his white collar a deep red, which was already turning brown.

But at least he had succeeded, he thought, for the Light, for Albus, and to his own satisfaction. Had his head not heart so badly from the repeated assaults of the Dark Lord, he would have been able to identify the feelings of pride and relief that gently spread in his chest. But right now, only his lies echoed in his head.

Using what was left of his strength, he apparated near the castle, collapsing on the muddy ground. It was late March and the Scottish weather consisted mainly of cold and rain. Severus tried to get up – but a wave of nausea hit him and he rolled on his side, his stomach twitching painfully. He had nothing to throw up but some yellowish liquid, having been the Dark Lord's guest for three days without being offered any food. Yet the nausea was so strong - he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around his stomach, moaning.

"Severus!" A familiar voice called, which could be heard from a distance. A few seconds later, he could feel someone kneeling next to him. It was Minerva. Other footsteps came from beside her.

"Severus, can you hear me? Oh, we have been so worried…"

Out of breath, Albus knelt next to her, followed closely by Poppy who was carrying a first aid kit. She pushed them slightly and gazed critically at the man on the floor, who was shivering.

"What did he give you, Severus? Some kind of poison?"

"No", he was forced to reply in a weak voice, "Veritaserum."

Poppy shook her head. "How much?"

Albus gently picked up the wounded man, allowing him to rest against his chest. Noticing how he shivered, he took off his cape and tried to cover him with it. "My poor boy, we were so afraid… so afraid."

Severus looked at the nurse.

"10 drops the first day", he said through shaking teeth, 5 the next morning, 5 in the afternoon, 2 more during the night… I don't know how much today… I don't know! I don't… know!"

Minerva gave Poppy a concerned look. Albus tightened his grip around the younger man. "It's okay, Severus. We do not need the exact number. We were not asking the exact number, mmh? Open your mouth."

But the smell of the painkiller was unbearable. Almost immediately, he threw up in the grass again, as Minerva gently held his hair.

"His body is trying to expel the veritaserum", Poppy said, looking worried. We need to get him back to the castle, it's freezing."

They lowered him on one of the beds, careful not to hurt him more.

"His mouth!" Minerva exclaimed, looking at the dry blood that covered the lower part of his face.

Poppy was waving her wand above him, shaking her head. "It's less serious than it looks, Minerva. However, the intoxication is concerning… There is too much serum in his system."

Albus brushed the dark hair from Severus' face, who seemed to be dozing off. "There is no antidote", he said sadly. Poppy nodded. "We'll have to wait until it wears off. I see no sign of physical injuries except the usual tremors caused by the Doloris. Severus, I need you to take this painkiller. I'll give you a potion that should settle your stomach before, is it okay with you?"

"Yes, it is", the man mumbled from under his blankets. "I- I don't know how many drops he gave me today…"

"Is he delirious?" Minerva asked Poppy, looking critically at her colleague.

"No", Poppy replied. "It's the effect of a veritaserum overdose. People tend to become hysterical and their brain cannot function properly. They get obsessed with answering."

"He is immune to this potion, is he not, Albus?" the witch said, turning to the headmaster. "You-Know-Who would not have let him leave if he had told him the truth about… his loyalty…"

"Indeed, but it must have been very challenging to him… Look at his lips, he must have enjoyed it!"

Minerva was not used to see such anger on the older man's face. But every time she saw it, it was when Severus got back of one of their meetings. She did not know whether it was guilt, disgust or even self-disgust; she was always worried he would see judgment in her own eyes, for she did not approve of this. Could she say she understood? She was not even sure. She herself felt guilty- because wasn't her position very comfortable? She could disapprove but did not have to deal with the consequences.

"He… did", Severus replied, his eyes half-closed. "He asked me questions… about my childhood… in front of them all. They laughed- but I used it as an opportunity to hurt myself- my tongue, my lips- because I could not show… when he asked the important questions… that I was lying."

Albus gently put his hand on Severus'. "Try to sleep, dear boy. It has been a long time since the last time you did."

"Three days and… and… but I cannot sleep. I cannot, I feel sick…"

He was now gazing at Albus with intensity, demonstrating the weakness of his current state.

"I lied for you… Albus! I… lied for you!" He looked angry, his faced still twisted with pain. "For you! It is the truth… I- I lied!"

Now the headmaster understood why Severus was in pain. He had been telling lies to the Dark Lord for three days, fighting against his own brain and body- and now he was desperate to expel the truth, his lies acting like poison. He squeezed his professor's hand.

"I know, Severus dear. And I am thankful, so very thankful for what you did for us."

But Severus did not seem to be listening to him. Instead he gripped his bed sheets and twisted them- in an effort to clear his head, or to relieve himself from the mental pain, they could not say.

"I am not loyal to the Dark Lord", he said plainly. "I am not a death eater" – now he was breathing heavily – "I purposely… said I did not know… how many agents we have at the ministry… but I gave them clues… because I cannot be ignorant!"

Poppy came back with a fever reducing potion. "I think the effects should wear off by tomorrow morning; his system is too saturated to expel it sooner."

"I hate the taste of it", Severus mumbled helplessly, his eyes on the potion the nurse was holding. "And I do not enjoy being here. You know… that."

Poppy opened the vial. "I know that, Severus dear. But I cannot let you go back to your own quarters. Too much veritaserum is painful, and it makes people do things they would not normally do."

"People will hurt themselves… if they cannot provide satisfying answers."

"Indeed. As Potions Master, you know more on the subject than I do. Open up."

"I do", Severus answered flatly. The nurse smiled. "If you cannot sleep, then you will eat something." She turned to Minerva "Classes will start soon; you can go back if you want to. He is going to be fine… eventually."

Minerva glanced at Albus, who was whispering reassuring words to the sick man.

"Fine. But tell me if anything is wrong, will you?"

"Of course, dear. Could you ask a house-elf to bring Severus breakfast as you go?"

She nodded.

"You are going to like this, Severus. It is French bread. And the jam is tasty as well."

The headmaster looked worriedly at the man laying on the bed, who did not make a sound. He sat beside him.

"Do you want to talk, Severus?"

"I have been doing nothing but… talking these past few days. Along with… screaming."

Albus what not used to Severus being so honest about how he felt. He usually dismissed their concerns, and tried to minimize the seriousness of his condition. If that was possible, the Potions Master looked even worse than he had done the previous hour: his skin was a greyish tone, and his eyes unfocused.

"Get this veritaserum… out of me… I'd rather teach right now."

"I apologize, Severus. I cannot. I have been so worried about you, I was about to send people."

Severus struggled to sit up. His vision was spinning, and all his body felt numb.

"You would not be so stupid!"

Albus frowned.

"I care about you."

"You care… about the spy you need."

"Severus, you know this is not true! You know I care about you. You know you are one of my closest friends. I will always be there for you."

Severus laughed, a dry, sad one. Albus did not like the mania which emanated from his eyes.

"And yet you would have sent people. Perhaps ruining my… cover. Risking more people's life on my behalf! I told you, I told you I do not want anyone to die for me! And yet, you refuse to listen… does it help you… face your own guilt? Because I already have too much on my mind to deal with more, Albus! So stop pretending you care if you won't listen. Stop it!"

Words spilled out of the hysterical professor quicker than Albus thought possible, his behaviour evidently induced by the serum. And it hurt even more, knowing that all the boy said was true.

"I do not want to lose you, Severus. You are too important to me."

"You are incredibly selfish," the man managed.

"You really think so?"

Suddenly, Severus gripped his hair, pulling them with too much strength. "I told you I do! I just told you. And it does not matter what I think of you right now, I would not lie to you! I would not! I am… not…"

Albus was taken aback by the state of hysteria the man seemed to be in. In no more than a second he got up and gripped the man's arms. "Hush, Severus. I am so sorry. I did not mean to imply you were lying. Please calm down. Do not hurt yourself."

But Severus' nails dug into the older man's skin. "I would not lie to you. Do you not trust me, still? After all this time? After all I did for you? You know my moralities… lay on your side anyway. But I need your trust… I need you to believe me… to know I am loyal to you."

Albus tightened his grip, ignoring the pain. "What is the matter, Severus? Why would you think I do not believe you?"

Some blood started to run down the younger man's face as he bit his lower lip again. Albus felt overwhelmed; he looked at the bedroom's door, but Poppy was nowhere to be seen. He did not want to have to petrify the boy. "Severus, you know you can tell me anything."

"I am out of favour", the man finally burst out, relief feeling his voice as he stopped holding in the truth. "I am out of favour with the Dark Lord. In disgrace. He will tell me much less. He even tested my loyalty, again."

Albus could see the fear and self-disgust in Severus' feverish eyes. How he wished Severus' self-esteem did not only depend on his success as a spy. How he wished the man understood people also valued him for who he was and not only his actions in their interest.

"It happens, Severus. Things are going to be fine. You have always been able to regain your position. And anyway, I trust you."

And he understood, looking down at the man, that in his fogged brain, he had lost the trust of one master tonight; and could not bear to be unsure whether Albus would still trust him or not.

"I am loyal to you", Severus said faintly, "I will fight with you. For you because… I believe in you."

"I trust you, Severus dear. I believe you."

The younger man seemed to relax a bit, but his gaze darkened. "I told the Dark Lord the same. The exact same… and he believed me… he looks at me and sees one of his own."

Albus gently let go of Severus' arms and watched as he immediately reached for his bed shits, twisting them around him.

"And that shows how skilled you are, Severus."

"But would you not… hate it, if someone looked at you and saw in you something you find so repelling?" he asked, looking exhausted now.

"I would. But look at me now. You did not have to fight against yourself to tell me your morals go against his. And I, and Minerva, and Poppy, and all of us – we see what is best in you."

Severus looked up. "I wish you were… as intoxicated as I am now, because I doubt this is completely true."

"Don't say that, dear boy."

Severus looked very frustrated, his breathing still erratic. "I am forced to answer you. Or rather, I have no reason to… to try and fight this need. I am tired… I am going to be sick."

Albus gripped the other man's hands. "You are loyal to the Light. You are not a death eater, you are not loyal to the Dark Lord. I trust you, and I believe you, and I thank you for lying for me. For hiding what is best in you for me, and being someone you do not want to be when you have to."

Severus nodded, his grip on the bed sheets loosening.

"Thank you."