Well, hello there everyone. Long time, no see (with this story, at least). If you all follow my other stories, you know I've been working on getting them all updated and getting back into the swing of things with writings, and this update was the last on my list of things needing to get done. And luckily, I was finally able to find some inspiration for this story again. I had lost it there for a while, but I think I'm back in a good place with this one and where it's headed, and I hope you all are, too.
It was so nice to get to write this version of Dawsey again, and I know many of you have been eagerly waiting for this update, so I hope it doesn't disappoint. It is kind of a heavy chapter, just from where we left things off last time, but things will start to look up for Gabby, and Dawsey as well, here soon. And I'm super excited to get into all of that.
As always, thank you all so much for your patience with me, and this story in particular. I'm hoping now that I'm feeling better about writing again, I'll be able to update everything more frequently. That's the plan, anyway.
But for now, I hope you all enjoy this one. Thanks again for sticking with me, and for reading this update. I appreciate you all so much. Happy reading.
EIGHTY SEVEN
Gabby stood at the counter in her bathroom, clad in only her pants that were hanging open off her hips and a bra, as she prepared herself for the day ahead. It was a little later in the morning, both Gabby and Matt having the ability to get a few extra hours of sleep as they had nowhere to be until the early afternoon. And that free time was something they'd taken advantage of, as their little extra bit of rest had proved to be what they both needed as these last few weeks.
Everything had been calm enough lately, under the circumstances at least, as Gabby and Matt were still slowly working on getting themselves back into their lives after what had happened with Bryan. But it wasn't the easiest process, and it was one that was taking a bit longer than she thought either of them expected, but they were getting through it. They were doing their best to work through it and get past it.
And that started with Gabby's sessions with her therapist.
It had been a couple weeks since her first visit, and in that time, Gabby had completed two more sessions with him. And, if you were to ask her, she would say it had helped. At least a little bit.
The concept was still a little strange to her, she couldn't deny that. There were some things she just did not feel comfortable talking about with him, at least not yet, some of their talks staying superficial at best. And Gabby knew Adrian could tell, given some of the things they talked about, she'd walk around the subject instead of getting into how she truly felt; the main one of those being how they still hadn't gone into detail about why she had come to therapy in the first place, as Gabby did everything she could to avoid talking about it.
It had come up some, in bits and pieces, Gabby feeling a bit of relief those times she'd been able to get some things off her chest. But she still never fully outright talked about what Bryan had done to her. They mostly stuck to talking about how things were going in her life now, as she was most comfortable with that, instead of what had happened in the past. Like what Bryan put her through, or what happened when he came back, as those were not things she'd found the courage to talk about with him yet.
And she hadn't been able to talk to Matt about it, either.
She wanted to. There was a big part of her that wanted to talk to him about what had happened that day with Bryan almost a month ago now. And she almost had; after her first session, and her talk with Adrian about letting Matt in, she had come so close to breaking down that last wall and telling Matt what happened in that apartment, before he came in and saved her. But she didn't. At the last second, she couldn't do it. There was some mental block, something keeping her from reliving that day with him, to where she couldn't talk about it.
And it hadn't come up since, at least not between her and Matt.
Adrian had tried to get her to talk about it the next time she saw him, when he found out she hadn't spoken to Matt yet. But he didn't push very hard when it became clear to him that this wasn't something she could do yet. This wasn't a step she felt ready to take, so he'd dropped it. At least for now, he hadn't asked her about it since, though she couldn't be sure how much longer that would last. She knew eventually it would have to come up again. But for now, they weren't talking about it, even though Gabby knew Adrian wanted to. But, true to his word, he never pressured her to talk about anything. Instead they'd focused on the easier topics for her, like her friends and her family and Matt, all while avoiding most of what Bryan had done to her.
While she knew that wasn't why she was going, that the whole reason for this was for her to open up to someone about what had happened to her, she still felt like it was helping. Even if she hadn't been able to take those steps yet, she found herself feeling a little better each time she left his office. And she could only hope that it would be the same today, as here soon her and Matt would be heading out for her next appointment with Adrian.
"Babe?"
Her mind focused when she heard Matt's voice, all her thoughts of what had been going on the last few weeks clearing as she turned her head back to look towards the door, Gabby seeing her boyfriend come into view a split second later. His appearance had changed from the last time she saw him, Matt trading in the towel wrapped around his waist for much more weather-appropriate clothes, his body covered by his signature blue jeans and a button down, the soft smile on his face never faltering as he leaned his body weight against the door frame.
"You almost ready to go?" He asked her, his gentle voice flooding into the smaller room while she turned her body to face him, Gabby giving him a slight nod in response. "If we leave here in a few minutes, we should have plenty of time to eat before your appointment… As long as you still feel up for it." He added on, the soft look in his eyes holding onto no judgement for whatever answer was coming.
"Yeah, I am… It'll be nice. And I'm starving." She responded, her words causing the grin on his face to widen.
Going out to eat was a small thing, she knew it was, but these last couple weeks her and Matt had made a point to try and get out of the apartment when they could. Whether that be going out to eat places, or going on walks around their neighborhood. Whatever it was, even if it wasn't much, they'd done their best to get out more, as they were desperate to get back at least some sense of normalcy in their lives.
"I just need a couple more minutes, then we can go." She continued on, Matt giving her a nod before he took a slight step back, the man clearly about to leave so she could finish getting ready. But he didn't get very far before she spoke up again. "But, uh… you know you don't have to keep going with me to these things, if you don't want to." She told him, the smile on his face falling slightly as he raised his eyebrows, his reaction causing her to draw in a deep breath.
Ever since even bringing up the idea of therapy, Matt had been supportive. And he'd been by her side every step of the way. Every appointment she had, he was there, Matt planning his schedule around when she was supposed to go see Adrian. He'd go with her, and sit there outside that room, in the same seat by the window every single time. Like he wanted to give her as much support as he possibly could, while also making sure she had space. Without inserting himself into a place he knew he couldn't be.
This therapy thing, this was for her. He knew he didn't need to be in that room, or know what was said; which, he didn't. Since her first session, Gabby hadn't told him much of anything that she and Adrian had spoken about, even if it wasn't much, and he hadn't asked. And she knew he never would. He'd never try and push his way into this, but he still wanted her to know he was there, which Gabby knew was why he'd insisted on going to every appointment with her. And she didn't mind, at all, but she also didn't want him feeling like he had to be there.
But by the dejected look that soon covered his face, she realized he'd misunderstood her offer, Gabby soon shaking her head as she rested her palm against the edge of the counter. "I don't mind that you come." She assured him, his features softening before he gave her a nod. "I like having you there, but I just know this takes up a lot of the afternoon… time when you could be doing something else, and I wasn't sure if you had other things to do-"
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." He chimed in, Gabby's shoulders relaxing when he started to walk towards her, the gentle look in his eye bringing a similar grin to her face as he came to a stop in front of her. Before saying a word, he brought his hand up to cup her neck, his thumb stroking along her cheek gently as she leaned into his warmth. "As long as you're alright with me being there, I want to be there with you."
"Yeah, I want you there." She murmured without a thought, Matt's smile widening before he gave her another nod, the man leaning in to capture her lips in a sweet, gentle kiss before she could get another word in.
And they stayed that way for a few moments, Gabby gripping onto his shirt while he kept his light hold on the side of her face, his other hand sliding down around her bare side as a means to keep her close. Though she wasn't putting up any resistance, Gabby leaning her body into his as they soaked in this time together, as they hadn't had nearly enough of these moments over the last couple months.
"I love you." She breathed out the second they pulled apart, Matt gripping her body a little tighter before he pulled her in to kiss her once more, the two staying connected as long as they could until eventually having to disconnect from one another, their chests heaving while they sucked air into their lungs.
"I love you, too… Now let's hurry up and get ready so we can get out of here."
"So Gabby, how have you been since we last saw each other?"
Dawson tore her eyes away from the window overlooking the city, the heavy snow falling down creating an almost peaceful feeling in the air as she met her therapist's gaze, Adrian being the first one to speak up since she first walked into this room a few moments prior. Which wasn't unusual for how these sessions typically went, as while Gabby never really knew what to expect when she came here, it was almost a guarantee that Adrian would be the one to get things started.
"I've, uh… I've been alright." She answered with a slight shrug, her hands clasped together in her lap as her eyes flashed down to the usual notepad in his lap. "Not much has changed, I guess. But things are fine… Matt and I are good, my family's good. It's all pretty much the same." She told him, as it had only been a few days since they last saw one another.
"Have you gone to see your family at all? Or just spoken with them?"
"Matt and I went to see them… We had dinner at their place. A couple nights ago." She responded softly, the patient well aware as to why he was asking her this question, Gabby knowing he wanted a read on how she handled being out of her own home. "My brother was there too, it was nice."
"That's great, Gabby." He replied with a soft smile. "It's always good to get together with family this time of year." He pushed on, Gabby's eyes moving back out towards the windows before she nodded. "The holidays and everything, I'm sure it's nice to be able to be together… especially given those few weeks there where you couldn't really see your parents." He treaded carefully, as that was one of the things she had confided in him in one of their previous sessions, Gabby clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth before she nodded.
"Yeah, it is." She answered simply, Gabby pausing to take a few shallow breaths. "It was hard at the time, not really being able to see them. But I'm glad Matt and I don't have to do that anymore." Gabby spoke, earning an understanding nod from him.
"I'm sure you are… And I imagine you'll be spending the holidays with them?" He asked, Gabby nodding once more as she finally looked back towards him. "With Christmas coming up here in a few days and everything."
"We are, yeah." She responded, her soft voice barely reaching his ears. "I think we're all getting together at my parents house on Christmas Eve."
"You and your family?"
"Yeah… Me, Matt, my parents and my brother, and his kids. And Matt's mom, I think is gonna be there, too." She elaborated, Adrian watching her with a soft smile on his face. "I'm sure we'll have some big meal and exchange some presents or something, I'm not sure… My mom told Matt and I not to worry about it, so I imagine her and my dad are taking care of it. They love this time of year." She spoke, her voice becoming a bit more self-assured the longer she continued to talk. "And we didn't really get to do a big Christmas last year, so this year I'm sure she'll want to go all out."
"I bet that'll be fun for you all… You and Matt getting to have your families together." He spoke, not missing the way her eyes lit up a bit. "Because you and Matt weren't together last Christmas, right?"
"No, we weren't… Not really." She answered vaguely, Adrian nodding in response. "We had only met each other a few weeks before, and Bryan and I had just broken up… Christmas last year was a bit of a rough one for me, I guess." She said with a slight shrug, Adrian a bit caught off guard by her offering up this information on her own. But he said nothing, as he didn't want to stop her thought process. "Bryan and I had been separated, but Christmas is when I found out that he'd been cheating on me, and for how long he'd been doing it… or he confirmed it, I guess." She breathed out with a wince, Gabby soon seeing the compassionate look in Adrian's eyes. "He'd been cheating on me for a year, with God knows how many women, but that day is when I found out and it just… it hurt."
"I'm so sorry, Gabby." He replied gingerly, Gabby giving yet another shrug before shaking her head.
"It's- it's fine. After everything else he'd done, him… after abusing me," She spoke, her voice faltering as that word came from her lips, Gabby's eyes immediately moving towards her lap as she sat there a bit stunned, like she couldn't believe she'd been able to say it.
Ever since coming here, she hadn't come out and said what Bryan had actually done to her. In all their talks, whether he came up or not, she had never admitted to him that she'd been abused. She'd danced around it, and all but said it once or twice, but she hadn't actually said those words out loud. Not to him. Not until now. And a part of her couldn't believe she'd actually had the courage to do it.
But based on the look on Adrian's face when she finally looked his way again, he wasn't phased, the man giving nothing but a soft nod in return. Like he didn't want to give her a reaction that might scare her off, as Gabby had the feeling that he already knew what had happened to her. Or, at the very least, knew some abuse had taken place. Although given what all he did know, it wasn't hard to put the pieces together, she knew that. But still, saying out loud to him felt like a big step to her. One she was proud of herself for.
And she could only assume the man across from her was proud of her for it, too.
"But after everything he'd done to me, I guess him cheating, it… It hurt me a lot. Because when the abuse was happening, I was holding onto the fact- or the thought, I guess, that he at least still loved me." She admitted, the words tasting bitter as they left her lips. "That no matter how bad things got, he still loved me… And that's why I stayed." She confided in him, Adrian giving her his complete attention. "But then when I found out about the cheating… or when I couldn't ignore it anymore, or pretend it hadn't been happening, it just- it made me have to confront all of that. How the entire reason I stayed with him, and put up with the abuse, all of it- that it was all based around a lie. That he never loved me, he just wanted to control me… so that was a hard thing to come to terms with, and it kind of ruined last Christmas a little bit." She finished lightly, Gabby suddenly feeling a bit uncomfortable at how much she'd just shared with him.
She hadn't been expecting it, at all, as up until now Gabby hadn't felt comfortable letting him into that part of her life. But despite that, she couldn't help but notice how much lighter she felt, now that she'd opened up a bit more to him. Like there was no longer this weight pushing down on her chest, or at least that weight wasn't as heavy as it had been seconds prior. It was the same way she'd felt after the times she'd confide in Matt, or her brother, like it was a little easier to face all of this when she wasn't doing it alone. And she had to admit that she liked that feeling.
"I can't imagine any of that was easy for you." He replied, Gabby drawing in a deep breath before she shook her head. "Having to confront what that meant for you, and what you thought your relationship with him was." He added on, Gabby nodding slightly in agreement before Adrian continued on. "And when that happened, you finding out him cheating, did anyone know what had been going on between you two?" He pushed a bit, Gabby's bottom lip tucked in between her teeth as she met his gaze. "Did anyone know about the abuse?"
Slowly, Gabby shook her head in response, Adrian giving her a small, sad smile when she spoke up. "No one did, no. I hadn't told anyone." She replied quietly, Gabby fiddling with her hands in her lap as a means to distract herself. "No one found out for a while after that, but at the time, no one knew… Antonio knew he'd been cheating, and after I found out, I told my parents. And I talked to Shay about it, who told Kelly, and then that's how Matt found out. But I hadn't talked to anyone about what else he'd done. Cause Matt… well, we weren't really friends then. So it was just me."
"That had to have been hard dealing with it on your own." He repeated, his words causing a heavy feeling to settle in her gut as she couldn't help but think back to how things had been for her just a year ago.
"It was… But, I'm not in that place anymore. Things are better for me now, even with everything that's happened." She told him, Adrian nodding in response as he quickly glanced down to his notes.
"Yeah, you have come a long way from what I can tell. Even if I didn't know you back then." He replied with a gentle smile, Gabby reciprocating the gesture before her eyes moved back down to her lap. "And I am very sorry you went through that, Gabby. I'm glad you were able to talk to me about it, but I wish it had never happened to you, because you didn't deserve to go through that." He told her, though it was impossible for him to miss the way she slowly started to shrink in her seat. "But however hard things were for you then, you did get through it. And now you're in a much better place… and it sounds like Christmas should be a lot better for you this year, too." He added on, doing what he could to keep things around them easy despite the heaviness of what they'd been talking about. She had the chance to get some things off her chest, but it was clear to him now that she wanted to keep the conversation moving, so that's exactly what he did. And from her body language alone, he could tell Gabby appreciated it. "And it's great that you've been getting out and seeing your family."
"Yeah, it's been good… for Matt and I both. To spend time with our family." She replied, Adrian pausing for a moment before he responded.
"And what about your friends?" He prompted, Gabby's eyebrows raising slightly. "Have you seen any of them recently?"
"Um, not in the last few days, no." She answered him. "I've seen Shay and Kelly a few times, just not recently." She continued, Adrian nodding at the familiar names as he'd heard her speak of her friends before. "They've been busy with work, and Matt and I have just been- taking it easy, some days. But I've talked to Shay some."
"That's good." He replied to her with a gentle grin. "What about your other friends, from the firehouse… Have you seen them at all?" He pushed, Gabby shrugging slightly before she shook her head, Adrian's head falling to the side slightly as he picked up on a bit of her hesitance. "...Have you talked to them at all since the day Bryan came back?" He asked her bluntly, the woman across from him sucking in another slow, deep breath before she answered him.
"No, I haven't." She responded, watching as his face remained blank for a moment before he nodded. "I haven't really… reached out, or tried to talk to them since everything happened. I just haven't thought about it." She explained, Adrian nodding as he wrote down a few things in his notes.
"Is there any specific reason you haven't tried to get in contact with them?"
"Not really… At least I don't think there is. It's just not something that's really been on my mind. I guess I figured I'd see them whenever Matt and I get back to work… or if we decided to go out to Molly's or something before then, but I don't know." She finished with a shrug.
"And Molly's, that's the bar you co-own, isn't it?" He asked her, earning a quick nod in response. "With a few of your friends from work."
"With Herrmann and Otis, yeah." She replied softly. "...Though I haven't been much of an owner lately, with everything going on."
"I'm sure they understand." He assured her, Gabby's head falling to the side as she bit down on the inside of her cheek. "From what I've heard about the people you work with, I can't imagine it's an issue for them. If I had to guess, I'd say their only concern is making sure you're alright… That that's what everyone in the firehouse wants." He reasoned with her.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." She answered him, Adrian nodding firmly before adjusting his positioning in his chair.
"Though that might be something to consider, if you feel up for it." He suggested, his words catching her attention. "Maybe getting back over to the bar and working for a bit. Or just even taking some time to see everyone… I know it's a big step, but if you're comfortable, it might be a good way to get you back into the swing of things with your friends." He told her, Adrian hoping this idea might help her feel a little more at ease in being around her friends again. But the look that covered her face told a different story. "...What is it?" He asked once he saw her wince, Gabby shaking her head slightly.
"It's nothing, it's a good idea it's just… Going back to Molly's, it..."
"Did something happen there?" He asked her, Gabby's eyes falling closed for a split second, realization soon washing over him as the therapist began to realize what was causing her hesitation. "Did Bryan do something to you at Molly's, Gabby?"
Forcing herself to take a steadying breath, she looked back at him, her nails nearly digging into the skin on the back of her hand as she fought to keep control. "He, um… yeah, he did. After he got out of prison, I had a restraining order against him. He couldn't come near me, or the firehouse or the bar… where I lived, he wasn't supposed to be anywhere close to me." She explained, Adrian hanging on her every word as he gave her a nod. "But a few weeks after he got out, he… cornered me, at Molly's. Or outside Molly's, I guess. And it... I just haven't really been back since." She finished, seeing the sympathetic look that flashed in his eyes.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Gabby. But those feelings, that uncertainty you have, that's understandable." He promised her, her face faltering slightly. "And you don't have to go there again if you're not ready, or you don't feel like it would help you right now." He spoke, Gabby nodding slightly while she bit down roughly on her tongue.
"I'm not scared of going there." She said quickly, Adrian pursing his lips together.
"Okay."
"I just- I don't know, I hate that everywhere I go, I have bad memories associated with him." She rambled out quietly, the admission coming out before she could stop it. "The firehouse, and Molly's, two of the places where I spend so much of my life… places that used to feel like my home, it's like he's ruined a part of it. And I don't want him to control what I do, but it's hard to go there and not think of what he's done." She continued on, though her words were as much of a surprise to her as they were to him, as she'd never really opened up about this before. "I want to go back to work, and I want to be able to go to my own bar and not have to worry about him, but I can't help but associate those parts of my life with him… And I think that's why I like being at home, or at my parent's house, because I don't connect those places to him. Like Bryan and I dated for years, and I can nearly count on one hand the amount of times he spent time at my parent's house. And then my apartment, that's mine and Matt's place. Bryan isn't a part of that… But at the firehouse, and the bar, he's just.. I don't know how to separate it." She said, Adrian not missing the bit of frustration he heard in her voice.
"You might not be able to." He replied honestly, though he was sure those weren't the words she was wanting to hear. "At least not for a while, it'll take time. You won't be able to just sit around waiting for the day that those places don't remind you of him anymore, to be able to get back into your life. Because it'll never happen. Not as long as you're staying away from those places because of him." He said to her, his reasonable words bouncing around in her head. "And I'm not saying this to make you feel you have to jump back into things; if you're not ready, you can't force that. But what I am saying is that, when the time comes, you likely will have to take that first step on your own. To be able to take those places back, for them to become just the firehouse, and Molly's, instead of places that you associate with the things he's done, you're gonna have to be there. And get back into your life there… Or else you'll never let it go."
Gabby nodded slowly as she thought over his words, it becoming clearer to her every second that there was a lot of truth to what he was saying.
"Have you spoken to Matt about any of this?" He asked her after a moment when she hadn't responded, Gabby running her teeth along her bottom lip before she shook her head.
"We haven't talked about going back to work or Molly's or anything, no. He hasn't brought it up, and I'm not expecting him to." She answered him, though they both knew that wasn't entirely what he was talking about. But it was part of it. "I'd think he'd be okay to work, if not for me… Physically, I know he's good to go. He's probably been able to work for a few weeks now. But if I had to guess, I'd say he's more just worried about me, and how I'd handle it."
"And how do you think you'd handle it?" He repeated her words, Gabby breathing in deeply before she spoke up.
"I don't know, I think I'd be okay, if I'm being honest." She told him. "For a while the idea of going back to the firehouse seemed… daunting, I guess. Just being around everyone again, and getting back into the swing of things. But I think I could do it. Especially now that I'm not having to constantly look over my shoulder all the time." She clarified her earlier words, Adrian nodding in reply. "And it's like you said, I can't really take any of this back until I just do it."
"Yeah, but only if you feel ready for that." He reminded her softly. "This is all at your pace, Gabby. You need to remember that. If you feel ready to work, then it's something you should think about… But don't just do this because you feel like you should." He continued, Gabby nodding slowly as his words resonated in her head.
"I know, I won't." She promised, Adrian returning her words with a small smile. "It's something Matt and I need to talk about, and figure out what we want to do."
The man across from her hesitated for a moment after giving her a nod, as he tried to decide whether now was the time to bring up the obvious elephant in the room. The thing that had been there since her first session, that Gabby clearly was a little wary of. It was something he knew he needed to tread lightly with, that this was a delicate situation and Gabby had a tendency to shut down when pushed too hard. But she'd given him the opening, whether she realized it or not, and after the progress they'd made today, he couldn't help but feel like maybe now was finally the time.
"Yeah, I think you should talk with Matt about it, see what he's thinking." He agreed, not missing the weak smile that covered her face. "...And there's probably a few other things you and Matt need to talk about, too."
A knowing look immediately appeared over her features, Gabby dropping her head as her eyes moved down to her lap, her hands tightening together as the air around them became a bit heavier. She knew exactly what he was talking about, even though a part of her wished she didn't.
"I'm not trying to rush you." He spoke up when she had yet to say anything, her eyes staying down towards the ground. "This is something that has to happen in your own time, and I told you your first day here that I'd never make you do anything you're not comfortable with… but after your first session with me, you said you were gonna talk to him about what happened with Bryan, and as far as I know, that hasn't happened yet." He voiced, a slight nod of her head telling him all he needed to know. "And that's okay, it is… but I can't help but think about the reason why you haven't talked to him."
Those last few words stuck out to her, Gabby slowly lifting her head to look at him once more. And when she did, she found nothing but concern and empathy in his gaze, the paramedic staying quiet as she waited to hear what he had to say.
"...All of this- you not being able to talk to Matt, you not feeling comfortable at the firehouse; it all comes from the same place… A place of fear." He expressed, Gabby grimacing as she began to shrink in her seat. "And a place of worry, that you haven't been able to let go of yet. And it's okay, it is. What you went through in your relationship, then what happened after the fact, no one should ever have to go through that. But you did, and you made it out the other side. And no one is faulting you for how you deal with that trauma, but I'm just trying to help you, Gabby."
The air around them went quiet once more, Adrian giving her the chance to really take in his words, while he also figured it was best to give her a moment, as he didn't want to push harder than he had to. But when nearly a minute had passed, and she hadn't said anything, he got the feeling she wasn't going to, the therapist sighing softly before he leaned forward in his seat, Adrian realizing that he might need to change the course of their conversation for a moment.
"Can I ask you something?" He questioned after a few more seconds, Gabby pausing for a moment before she nodded. "Aside from Matt, is there anyone else you have in your life that you feel comfortable talking to about all of this?" He asked, Adrian quickly able to tell that his words had caught her off guard. "I know that you've talked to Matt, and your brother, about what happened to you throughout your relationship. That your parents have a good idea of what went on, and a few of your friends know some of it, but is there anyone else you've talked to about this? That you feel comfortable talking to?"
Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, Gabby taking in a few deep breaths after she crossed her arms over her chest, the stance almost protective as her eyes darted back out towards the snow-covered city, before she finally looked back towards him.
"...Matt's mom." She answered after nearly a minute, Adrian clearly surprised by her answer as she could see it over his face.
"His mom?" He repeated for clarification, Gabby nodding in response.
"Nancy, yeah… I've, um- She doesn't know all the details, but she knows what happened to me, in my relationship with Bryan. I've talked to her about it." She said, Adrian nodding slowly.
"Can I ask why?" He prodded, Gabby meeting his eyes once more. "Why her? Instead of your family, or your friends…"
"I guess it's just… With, Matt, it's different." She started, Adrian giving her the room to speak as he stayed quiet. "He's Matt, and as hard as it was to talk to him, I'm glad I eventually did. And my brother- honestly, the only reason he knows all of what happened is because he had to. For Bryan to be put in jail, it was either I tell him, or tell someone in his unit. And he would've found out regardless, so I told him. Then with my parents… I don't know. I know they know, that Antonio told them most of what happened, but me talking to them about it feels… harder, I guess." She explained as best she could, Adrian nodding strongly as some encouragement to continue. "I just try to leave them out of it, because it's different for them. Me being their daughter, I know how much they blame themselves for what happened to me. They already feel guilty enough, so when it comes to things that actually happened, I try not to burden them with it…"
"But something was different with Matt's mom." He finished for her, Gabby sighing softly before she nodded. "Do you mind telling me what that is?"
"It's... not really my story to tell." She replied truthfully, Adrian nodding understandingly as he clasped his hands together in his lap.
"You don't have to tell me, if you feel like you can't, but just remember that anything you say here never leaves this room." He reminded her, Gabby sucking in a deep breath as she thought over what to say, the woman staying quiet for another second before she eventually responded.
"Nancy, um… she went through the same thing I did. Or something similar, I guess" She spoke, Adrian's eyebrows raising slightly, like he hadn't been expecting that answer. But he said nothing. "Her husband- Matt's dad, he was not a good man. At all… He was abusive to her, for a long time. Up until the day he died.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Adrian murmured in response, Gabby giving him a weak nod in return, figuring it best to leave out the rest of the story, as it wasn't something she needed to share.
"Yeah, me too… But, because of that, Matt thought it might be a good idea for me to talk to her. And then when we were staying with her, when Bryan was…" She trailed off, her hand waving around in the air to show something she couldn't voice. "I talked to her about it, about how to handle it… afterwards. How to get past something like this."
"And how was that for you?" He asked her. "Talking to someone who understands what it's like?"
"It felt… easier isn't the right word." She started, Gabby seeing that Adrian knew what she meant just by the look on his face. "But I felt like there was less I had to explain, because she knew what it was like to be in that position. The conversation wasn't focused on what happened, so much as it was how to move past it. Because she'd gotten through it before." Gabby told him, her sincere words filling the space around them. "I mean, don't get me wrong, Matt is great. He's been there for me every step of the way, even when he didn't know what had happened. And he tries to understand what this is like, he's helped me more than anyone else could've, but…"
"Some parts of this he can't understand." He finished for her, Gabby sucking in a sharp breath before she nodded.
"Yeah." She answered softly, before her hand came up to rub over the side of her face. "And I'm so grateful that he doesn't know what it's like. I'd never, ever want him to go through something like this, it's bad enough he had to see it happen to his mom. But there's just some parts of this he doesn't get… There's no way for him to understand." She breathed out, her voice getting quieter by the second.
"...Do you think that's part of why you haven't talked to him about what happened that day with Bryan?" Adrian pressed, the man circling back to the one thing she'd kept avoiding as Gabby lifted her head up. "Because he doesn't understand... Do you think it would be easier for you to open up to him if he knew what it was like? If he was someone who could fully understand, like his mom can?"
"No, it's not that, it's not- it's not anything." She was quick to reply, the sharpness of her voice telling a different story than what her words could.
"It is something, Gabby." He continued to push, as Adrian felt they were getting close to the root of what had her holding back. "Your first day here, you told me that the reason you came here and started doing this was for Matt… That you were in therapy for him. But you still can't talk to him about what happened that day. And there's a reason for that. There's a reason you're not relying on him right now."
"I do rely on him." She defended, Gabby shaking her head roughly as her spine straightened. "I rely on him a lot, I have even before he knew something was wrong. That's not what this is, I just- I don't see the point in talking about this, because it was nothing."
"If it was nothing, you would be able to talk about it. That's the point here." He countered, Gabby blinking quickly as she felt a rush of emotion rising in her throat. "It's not that you're choosing to not talk about whatever happened between you and Bryan that day, it's that you can't. You're holding something back… something that he said, or something he did. You either don't want to say it out loud, or you don't want to say it to Matt. But that's exactly why it matters, because it's affecting you now."
The more his words sunk in, the more she couldn't ignore them, Gabby feeling tears begin to prick the edges of her eyes as she swallowed thickly, Adrian's concerned gaze staying focused on her as he could tell he'd struck a nerve with her.
"It's been, what? A month since this all happened? And you're still not able to even talk about it… That's what concerns me." He continued on after a second, Adrian not missing the tears hiding in her eyes as she reluctantly looked at him. "And I've told you over and over again that all of this, it has to be done in your own time, Gabby. I genuinely don't want you doing anything you're not comfortable with, but I get the feeling that this is more than just needing time to open up to Matt… About not wanting to burden him with this." He spoke gently, Adrian hoping that he was finally starting to get through to her.
"I believe you, when you say that's part of it. Because I know with Matt, and with your parents, you feel like you're burdening by talking about what you went through… Because you don't want to hurt them." He went on carefully, watching as Gabby brought her hand up to wipe away the lone tear that had fallen down her cheek. "But like we talked about your first time here, you said nothing had changed between you and Matt since he found out what Bryan had done. So I think that if this was solely about not wanting to make him feel guilty, we wouldn't still be having this conversation. That you would have talked to someone, whether it be Matt, or his mom, or whoever. Cause from what you've told me, you've been able to open up to people about what happened. But with this, you can't… Because you're holding something back."
Everything went quiet between them once he finished speaking, almost painfully so, as Adrian knew he'd said all he could. There was nothing left for him to do now, as he'd done what he could to get her to let down that last barrier around herself. To finally confront whatever it was that had happened between her and Bryan, whatever it was that was keeping her from truly moving on from what happened to her. Because as long as she was still holding onto that day, she'd never be able to get past this; and they both knew it.
But this wasn't something he could do for her. She had to get there on her own, whenever she was ready.
Though luckily, it seemed like she finally was.
"There was something that happened... that day with Bryan." She finally spoke up, Adrian nodding understandingly as he watched her draw in a shaky breath. "There were things he said to me, things I can't stop thinking about. And in the past, he's said a lot of awful things to me, but something about this; what he said about me, and about Matt, I can't let it go." She got out, her voice somewhat inaudible while her eyes moved down towards the ground, as that final wall finally came down.
"And I can't help but think that he might be right."
Dawson hummed softly as she stood at the island in the kitchen, the woman finishing up cleaning the last few plates from their dinner while the TV played softly in the background, Matt off in the other room as he'd stepped away to go to the bathroom once they'd finished their meal. He hadn't been gone very long, but he'd been gone long enough to give her a head start on picking up from their meal, the simple and easy-to-prepare dinner of pork chops and vegetables going along with how laid back the rest of their day had been. Or at least how it had been since they got home from Gabby's therapy session.
Her appointment with Adrian had been more emotionally draining than she expected, and even though she had to admit she felt a little better after finally telling someone what had been weighing her down lately, it had still taken a lot out of her.
And she knew Matt could tell.
The second she left that room this afternoon, and it was clear she'd been crying, Matt knew that whatever she and Adrian talked about had been a lot of her. That whatever was said behind closed doors had left her reeling enough to where she couldn't hide her tears.
But he never questioned her. Not once did he ask what was wrong.
All he'd done was pull her into a tight hug and hold onto her for a few lingering moments while standing in the middle of the lobby, before the two eventually separated and headed home. And it hadn't come up the rest of the day, either. Regardless of whatever questions Matt had, her therapy session today never came up again, as they'd spent the rest of their day lounging around their apartment, mostly cuddled up on the couch watching a movie or two. In fact, until it was time for dinner, they'd hardly moved from their comfortable positions together, as she had a pretty good idea that Matt figured the best thing for her after how taxing today had been was just to relax with each other.
And he'd been right, as this time with him had made her feel better than anything else ever could.
But during their much needed time together, she couldn't help the moments where her mind would wander back to some of what Adrian had told her today. What he'd told her about Matt, how it would help her to open up to him, or to anyone, and let him in to some of the things she'd been holding onto since everything happened. Even with the things she hadn't realized until she'd blurted it out to Adrian, it just reinforced the idea in her head that she knew she needed to talk to Matt.
And she needed to talk to him sooner rather than later.
"I could've helped you finish up, baby."
The sound of his voice pulled her from her thoughts, Gabby looking up from the last dish she was cleaning off as he walked back into the room, a soft smile resting over his face while making his way to the counter.
"I didn't mean for you to do all this by yourself."
"It's okay." She replied with a small grin of her own. "It wasn't too much work."
"Alright." He responded, Matt moving around the island to make himself useful as he began to fill up their wine glasses, given that their drinks were nearly gone from dinner.
The couple moved seamlessly around the kitchen together, Matt completing his task while Gabby got the last few plates dried off and placed on the rack, their kitchen almost back to how it had been by the time she finished.
"So, I was thinking," Casey started once she'd hung the towel back up, Gabby's eyebrows raising slightly as she waited for him to continue, her body weight leaning back into the counter. "What are your thoughts on watching another movie?" He asked with a sheepish grin, Gabby matching his smile before nodding.
"We can do that… if you let me choose." She compromised, Matt pretending to mull over her words as he leaned his head back and forth, before he eventually gave in, the man nodding with a bright look in his eyes.
"I think we can make that work… I'll just turn on whatever I want to watch when you fall asleep, anyway." He teased her, Gabby narrowing her eyes before she reached out to gently pinch his side. And the second she did, he shied away from her touch, a few soft laughs escaping his lips. "Hey, hey- I'm just kidding." He defended himself, Gabby shaking her head before she reached around him to grab her wine glass, Matt keeping his eyes on her while she took a long sip. "I'll sit there and watch whatever terrible movie you want, even if you do fall asleep." He continued to joke, Gabby's playfully tight gaze still focused on him.
"Mhmm, just keep it up." She challenged, though it was nearly impossible for her to keep a straight face once he flashed her that Casey grin she loved so much.
"I might." He played along, Gabby shaking her head lightly as he took a sip of his drink. "But we can continue this conversation over in the living room." He prompted, nodding over towards their couch, Gabby agreeing with a nod of her own as they headed that way.
But before he got very far, Matt went ahead and did some of his nightly checks around the apartment, Gabby making herself comfortable on the couch while he made sure the front door was securely locked, as well as checking to make sure all the thick curtains were closed, making it impossible to see in from the outside. Which was an assurance he knew Gabby needed, Matt also turning off a few of the lights in the entryway and the kitchen, as he wanted them to be comfortable for the next movie, given that despite his teasing it was almost a guarantee that Gabby would fall asleep.
"Alright, everything's all locked up." He told her as he finally made his way back over to the couch, Matt placing his glass down on the coffee table next to Gabby's before he sat down beside her. "Do you know what you want to watch?"
He had picked up the remote as he asked the question, but before he got an answer, Gabby reached her hand out to rest over his, effectively stopping his movements of trying to turn anything on as he glanced her way. His eyebrows raised slightly before a hint of confusion crossed over his features, Matt putting his hand back down before he spoke up.
"You okay?" He asked, Gabby nodding with a small smile before she adjusted her position on the couch, her body now angled more towards him as he did the same thing.
"Yeah, I just… Can we talk?" She spoke suddenly, like she herself was a little bit caught off guard by her request. But she didn't pull back, Gabby taking a steadying breath as she looked him in the eye, knowing there was no going back now. "Before we watch another movie, can we talk first?"
"Of course, yeah." He replied, Casey placing the remote back down before returning his gaze to her, as he wanted her to know she had his complete and undivided attention. "What's going on?" He asked, his eyes watching her as her eyes slowly fell closed, before she swallowed thickly; like she needed a second before she was able to say whatever it was she wanted to tell him.
"I wanna talk to you about Bryan, and why I've been kind of… distant lately, I guess." She started, Matt immediately nodding before he reached out for her hand, his experience in these situations telling him conversations like this were never easy for her. Though he wouldn't expect them to be, as that monster had put her through hell. But despite how difficult this was, a part of him couldn't help the rush of relief that flooded through him, as he had the feeling they were finally going to talk about the thing that had him so worried this past month. "After everything that happened, I kind of shut down. And I didn't mean to, but I know I haven't been very open with you, about what happened with Bryan."
"I know… but it's okay." He assured her, Matt bringing his free hand up to brush some of her hair behind her ear. "You've been through a lot, I know you needed some time to work through everything." He added on, Gabby nodding in agreement as she gave his hand a squeeze.
"Yeah, I did. And still do, I think. But I don't want to keep holding things back from you, I just wasn't sure how to bring it up." She continued, Casey stroking his thumb along the back of her hand as a source of comfort. "And I wasn't even planning on having this conversation today, but it came up with Adrian and I kind of… broke down, I guess." She admitted, Matt nodding with a sad, yet understanding look in his eyes.
He figured that's what had happened during her session today, or something along the lines of it, when she'd left that room in tears. But hearing the confirmation made it a little harder for him to stomach, as the last thing he wanted was for her to be that upset, and him not be able to help her. But he also knew that this was part of the process, and he could only hope that with whatever breakthrough had happened today, this meant Gabby would start to get better.
"We were talking about what happened that day, with Bryan… at the apartment." She started once more, Matt giving her yet another reassuring nod before lacing his fingers through hers. "And, since my first session, Adrian thought it might be a good idea to talk to you about it, because I-" She had to stop herself, Gabby finding it harder than she anticipated to get these words out, even though it shouldn't have been.
"It's okay." He murmured, Gabby breathing in deeply before meeting his eyes once more, the look written across his face keeping her calm as she took a few seconds to match his breathing before finally speaking up.
"He wants me to talk to you, because when Bryan and I were alone in that apartment, he said a lot of things… Things about me, and about us." She confided, Matt's body tensing slightly as he thought back to that day, the boyfriend unable to push down the anger he felt at what Bryan had done to her. And he had a feeling he was only about to get more angry after hearing whatever it is Gabby had to say, as it was clear that Walker had not only hurt her, but he'd messed with her head. Again. "And I haven't really been able to let it go."
"Okay." Matt spoke softly as he began to rub her arm, his tone holding no judgement as he forced himself to keep his emotions in check. Because no matter what he was feeling right now, this wasn't about him.
"And saying all of this out loud makes me feel so dumb, because it shouldn't matter. I shouldn't have let it affect me so badly, I hate him being able to affect me… Especially enough to where I felt like I couldn't talk to you about it, because I know Bryan was just trying to hurt me. That's all he was doing, was trying to hurt me the way he used to." She rambled out, that nearly devastated look never leaving his eyes as he listened to every word she said. "And he's said stuff like this to me before, so I should've just let it go, but something this time felt…"
She trailed off yet again, Gabby's eyes falling closed as Matt continued to rub her arm. They'd had conversations like this before, times where Gabby would confess to him how she hated the hold Walker had on her, to where she couldn't just let the things he said go. How she hated the way she reacted to it. But he also knew it wasn't that simple, that after everything she'd gone through because of him, Gabby had every right to be hurt by the things he did or said. Even if she didn't always believe it.
"What'd he say, Gabby?" He prompted, the woman next to him needing to take another breath before she responded.
"He, uh.. He said a lot of things about me. And how I don't deserve someone like you. How I deserved what he did to me." She spoke shakily, Matt feeling his heart starting to break in his chest as she continued on. "That I'm worthless, and broken… because of what he did. And that I'm just lying to myself, and no one will ever truly love me, that I don't deserve anyone to ever love me." She told him, her words hanging heavy in the air around them, Matt immediately shaking his head as the thought of her holding onto all these doubts on her own brought tears to his eyes.
"But he's said that before, that I deserved what happened to me. And that I don't deserve to have a relationship like we do, but I think the reason it stuck with me is because that's something I have thought about…" She admitted to him, Gabby swallowing the lump in the back of her throat as her teary eyes focused on him, the pain and hurt he was feeling written all over his face. "I've thought about how you deserve someone better than me, someone who's not broken. And him saying all that again, part of me can't help but think that maybe he's right."
"Baby, he's not." Matt cut in quickly, Gabby able to see just how devastated he was that she was even thinking this way.
"I know… deep down, I think I know it's not true. And I know you've told me before that it's not true." She replied, her mind going back to the times when she'd admitted similar fears in the past, and how every time he proved to her that she had no reason to doubt him. "And that's why I'm not even sure why it stuck with me this time, why I couldn't let it go. Because like I said, it's not like this is the first time this has ever happened, he's said and done much worse to me before, but with this... For some reason I haven't been able to ignore it. And that's part of why I didn't talk to you about what happened that day, because I know I shouldn't be holding onto this. Some of it was cause I didn't want to burden you with it, or make you feel guilty about what happened, cause I know you were already blaming yourself, but a big part of me not talking to you was because of this. I just didn't realize it at the time." She told him honestly, her words coming faster than she could really process them as more and more tears gathered in her eyes.
"But I shouldn't care what he says, I know that. It doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter. But this just… he got what he wanted." She pushed on, Gabby shaking her head roughly at the thought. "...He did hurt me. Again. And no matter what I try to tell myself, there's this voice in the back of my head telling me that everything he said was true… That he broke me, and that I don't deserve you." She barely got the words out, Matt opening his mouth in an attempt to prove to her that none of what she was saying was true, but he didn't get the chance.
"Because I am broken, Matt. If I wasn't, we wouldn't be here. Time and time again he has done this to me, and every time I let it get to me. And then when I think I'm past it, something else happens to prove that I'm not, and he just… gets into my head. Because he can, cause I'm not strong enough to not let him. And if he hadn't broken me, that wouldn't happen." She nearly cried out, Gabby unable to keep her tears at bay as she bared her heart to him. "But it does, because he's right.. I shouldn't be with someone like you, and you deserve better than me." She choked out, her voice getting quieter by the second as each of her words felt like a knife through his chest. "And I'm scared that one of these days, you'll realize it, too."
"Gabby, no." He immediately replied, Matt shaking his head almost angrily as the grip he had on her hand tightened, the words coming out of her mouth nearly killing him. "That'll never happen, because it's not true."
"But-"
"No, I need you to listen to me." He cut her off gently, Gabby sucking in a slow, deep breath before she nodded, Matt not missing the lone tear that fell down her face. "I know what he said hurt you, and that what he's said in the past has hurt you… And it's okay, that it's affected you, okay? It's not stupid… but what it is, is wrong. He is so wrong, baby." He assured her, Matt wiping away a few of the tears flowing down her skin as she nodded once more, the man bringing both his hands up to cradle the sides of her face as he needed her to really hear him.
"You are not broken, okay?" He told her as strongly as he could, despite the way his voice was shaking, Matt hating that she was feeling this way. That he had made her feel this way. "He did not break you. And you are not worthless, Gabby. I swear to you, that couldn't be farther from the truth." He pushed on, tears clouding his vision as he was sure he'd never felt more heartbroken in his life. "You are the strongest, most incredible woman I have ever known, and you deserve none of what he did to you. At all. But despite what happened, that doesn't mean you're broken, or that you're worthless, because you're not. And I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you, if that's what you need. But what he said to you, what he wants you to believe, it's not true, baby. You deserve so much better than him, you deserve someone that's good, who loves you with everything in them, and who will stop at nothing to make sure you always know that." He reminded her, Gabby nodding slowly despite the tears continuing to stream down her cheeks. "You hear me?" He asked gently, earning another nod from her.
"I do." She whispered, Matt rubbing his thumb along her cheek as he gave her a weak smile before he continued.
"None of it's true, Gabby. I promise you." He repeated himself, almost like he needed to say it as much as she needed to hear it. "And I know this isn't gonna just go away with one conversation, and I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this and that I couldn't help you, but not one thing he said to you was true. I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it, okay?" He continued to say over and over, Gabby reaching up to grip onto his forearm tightly. "And it's gonna take time, but when you're feeling like this again, I want you to tell me, alright?"
"Alright." She replied, Matt nodding slowly as his gaze traced over her face.
"I don't care how many times we've talked about it, or how many conversations we've had like this before, if you're doubting yourself, or us, and the way I feel about you, I want you to come to me." He elaborated softly. "Because I don't ever want you thinking that I don't love you, or that I don't feel incredibly grateful to get to be with you, because I do… Every single day of my life, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. You make me feel that way. And you deserve to have someone who makes you feel that way, too." Matt said, hoping his words were doing something to help this feeling she'd been holding onto for weeks.
And they were, more than he would probably ever know as Gabby nodded slowly, his words to her helping alleviate some of the pressure in her chest as she hoped this was the beginning of her finally being able to let this all go. It wouldn't be immediate, she knew that, but this, right here, was exactly what she needed to hear from him, as Matt was doing everything in his power to undo the hurt and doubt that Bryan had caused.
"I love you Gabby, I do. So much. And I'll spend every single day making sure you know that." He continued on, like he knew exactly what was going on in her head. "Whatever reminders you need from me, I'm here. Because I love you… I love you more than anything in this world." He spoke, the conviction in his voice bringing a small, watery smile to her face as he gently cupped her cheeks in his hands. "There is nothing, or no one, that means more to me than you do. And I don't ever want you to forget that."
Before he could get another word out, she leaned forward and quickly wrapped her arms around him, Gabby holding onto him with a desperation that broke his heart. But it was a hug he instantly reciprocated, Matt wrapping her up in his arms as she tucked her head into his neck, her body molded against his as tightly as could be.
"Thank you." She said, her voice hard to hear as it was muffled by his body. But with their close proximity, he was able to make out what she'd said.
"I meant every word of it… I love you, baby." He repeated, Gabby drawing in a slow, calming breath as she felt his hand begin to rub up and down over her back, the action soothing to her as she let herself focus on the steady thumping of his heart, his words washing over as she couldn't help but notice how she felt a little bit lighter than she had before.
"I love you, too… Always."