Explosion Series: Please Stop Bothering Us/ A 200 Point Explosion
""Ma-Ma-Man? That Megumin who didn't care about anything other than magic has a man? Is this a lie? Is it right? You like him as a boyfriend?"
I looked towards the window, and saw the face of 2 flustered Crimson demons pressed against it.
I sighed. "Funifura and Dodonko...right?"
They blushed as soon as I said their names, and promptly fell from the window.
All of us, except a crying Aqua, ran out to the window, opening it and looking down below.
"ARE YOU TWO OKAY?!", Darkness shouted out at them, but they were too busy covering their embarrassed faces from me.
Oi, when did I become hot enough to make girls turn into a blushing mess with but a word or two? Did last night actually, truly make me a man?
I rub my chin in deep contemplation. No, no, I must get these thoughts out of my head. I can't become a walking disaster who seduces women left and right when I have someone already. Yes, I must! Control! No longer shall I be a Harem MC!
I look down once again at Dodomko and Funikura, as Megumin would call them, and smile apologetically at them, while patting Iris' head absentmindedly.
Immediately, the two start blushing again, and whispering to each other. My, I didn't think I'd be able to make the two of them so hot and bothered.
"W-wait onii-san why are you smiling and looking so pleased? They were spying on us!", Iris asked, confused.
Before I could respond and obviously agree with her valid point that was 100% true and definitely didn't make me feel egoistical, the two of them went KYAAAA like they were some anime characters created to be waifu-bait…
Oh my, my mind wandered in a different direction again.
"IRISSSSSS- SAMAAAAA!" They screamed in unison, weeping and hugging each other.
"W-what is with this dramatic acting…?", whispered a confused Darkness.
Oi, Funkyfura and Domdomko… if even Darkness is put off by your antics, it's time to reconsider your life decisions.
"Ahhhh...Iris-sama's bro complex is truly so...KUH!", Funifura said, gasping. Why the hell does she sound like Darkness in heat?!
"Kazuma...is this what I look like when I'm...in heat…? Oh Eris-sama, forgive me for being so very sinful.", Darkness said with a solemn look on her face, praying for forgiveness.
I shut the window before the two perverts can corrupt our sacred household further.
"Well...Iris! I'm really proud of you for taking such a momentous decision!", I said, congratulating her. Indeed, I was proud of her!
"Thank you so much, to you, and to everyone here who's done their best to help me!"
Darkness too showered praise upon a bashful Iris, while Aqua had crawled out of the room at some point of time.
Soon enough, Megumin would wake up and we would go back to being a peaceful household. Indeed, this is the life!
Is what I thought before my Detect Enemy Skill went off.
A chill passed down my spine. This is...worse than the Demon King. Just what exactly could produce such an ominous aura? It can't possibly be the two crimson demons...right…?
I gulped audibly, and turned around slowly, sweat dripping down my face in spades.
Three women were now pressing their face against the window, gritting their teeth and somehow gripping the glass hard enough to crack it.
I felt my bladder nearly give way at the ferocious expression of the two crimson demons and the third new addition, the noble.
"Claire-sama, I will let you all in so please don't kill me."
Iris whipped around as I shakedly said those words, staring at Claire in confusion.
"Claire? Why are you glaring at onii-sama like that?", Iris said.
Immediately, the three of them went KYAAA again, which I could hear through the window, and promptly fell. Again.
I wonder if they'll suffer permanent brain damage because of this. Kids, don't try this at home please.
…
"So...why are you two here, Dodonko and Funifura?", I asked tiredly while sipping on Aqua's 'tea' which seemed to be extra salty. Did her tears fall in it?
Dodonko hesitated, looked at Funifura and then said,'' Well… we heard that Megumin had captured Kazuma to freeload on but we found that hard to believe so we came here to check. Yunyun too said both of you were very close too but since Megumin has had nothing but explosions in her brain since she was a kid, we found it very very very hard to believe."
Did they really have to emphasize how distrustful they were?
"Ok well...it's true that Megumin is dating Kazuma but more importantly, what the hell was with those 'KYAAS' and screams?!", Darkness shouted.
The red-eyed virgins blushed deeply and fiddled with each other [a/n- horny scum] before answering.
"You see, recently we discovered a stash of something called 'doujinshi' that was written in the Language Of The Ancients. We were very confused about what they could mean, but eventually we found a device that could translate it all! And after reading thwough it, we hawe come to discower the jOys oF having A yOUNGER sISHTER!", Funifura said, starting off with a very worrying statement and ending with drool falling down her mouth. I should ask her where she found those...
Before anyone could interrupt, Claire, who had been fairly quiet until recently, jumped in with a proclamation," INDEED! I TOO HAVE DISCOVERED THE JOYS OF THE SAME AFTER STUMBLING INTO THESE TWO ON MY TRAVELS! HAVING A LITTLE SISTER LIKE IRIS-SAMA IS TH T! I WILL NEVER LET THE KING TOUCH IRIS-SAMA WHILE I STILL HAVE LIFE IN MY BODY!"
No wait, don't you have Rain to teleport you wherever you want? Why do you need to walk? How did you even meet these two idiots? What the hell? Just what exactly is with these disgusting siscons?
"Hey, Darkness, is this what I was like when I was constantly gushing over Iris?", I asked.
"Worse." she answered.
Immediately, I bent down and bowed before Iris. "I'm so so sorry for being a pervert."
A perplexed Iris just silently nodded. "Well...I'm worried about what horrors, or rather, who awaits me when I return to the castle, onii-san."
I looked towards the three idiots, who could match up against my personal cast of three idiots, with disgust. I needed to admonish these dumbasses who thought they could do as they pleased in MY house. I was effectively a noble now! I could have you three arrested, you know!
And then someone did the scolding for me. "DODODODODODOMKO! FUNFUFRA! WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?! WE'LL LET YOU WATCH NEXT TIME I KISS HIM SO GET OUT!"
Hey wait, how did she know why they were here? Just how sharp was her intuition?! Scary! I know I won't, but if I cheat on her... I'll die a gruesome death. Why is everyone in my 'harem' so strong and violent?!
The two crimson demons shut up immediately and with a last look at Iris ran out of the door.
Is what I would like to have happened, but of course, nothing goes the way I want to.
They ran up the stairs and tackled Megumin who yelped, before presumably throwing them down the stairs. Idiots. You should know how strong that girl is by now. She managed to toss me like a ragdoll all night last night and did as she pleased with me...Hehe…
"Onii-sama, you're getting that perverted look again.", said a worried Iris. I just patted her head, telling her,"You'll understand once you grow old."
Of course, I heard three yelps as soon as I touched her head. Two came from the landing of the stairs and the other right in front of me.
"Darkness-san, please toss them out of the house.", I said, laughing like a noble would.
"But of course, Kazuma-san!"
…
"LET US BACK IN SO WE CAN ENJOY A BROTHER-SISTER RELATIONSHIP YOU FOOOOOOLS! LIGHT OF SABRE!", yelled Funifura and Dodonko.
"Sacred break spell…", yelled a still-depressed Aqua. Huh. Usually she'd be okay by now, laughing about something or the other. This is worrying.
Claire too was shouting in the background, demanding to let her take Iris home. I'm sorry Claire-san, but you should get your priorities straight. Please tell us the important stuff first. Not that it matters, since we aren't sending Iris back to a palace filled with siscons.
"Iris, evolve fast so you can escape the dangers of the castle, okay?", I said to her.
"Yes, onii-sama. Just don't press B when I'm evolving!", she replied in a cheery tone.
I laughed at her joke before coming to a stop. "Hey, how did you know about Pokemon games and the evolution system, Iris?"
"The what? Onii-samaaa, please don't think you can make up weird words and fool me!", she said in mock anger.
I chose to ignore this bad piece of writing and terrible joke by the author, and instead walked up to Aqua. The three siscon idiots had chosen to halt their siege for now, recognizing the unlikely talents of Aqua. She was really something when she needed to be.
I was about to make fun of Aqua again for being a useless fake goddess, but noticed that her face was...weird. No, not in terms of looks. She just seemed sad still.
"Hey, Aqua, are you ok?", I asked hesitantly.
"No.", came the answer.
I felt Darkness walk up to me immediately, followed by Iris. Even Iris realized that something was deeply wrong for Aqua to not be volatile.
"Aqua-san, are you ok?", asked Iris hesitantly. All of us were unsure of how to approach this problem. I mean, it was new for all of us.
"NO! All of you are so MEAN to me! I'm trying my best aren't I? I know I'm not exactly the smartest but I still try and do what I can, I try to help around but all of you except Megumin refuse to acknowledge me! I hate this! Why can't I get some respect?", she said, breaking down, letting all of her emotions out.
The three of us stare at her shame-faced, knowing that what she said was true. Even if she was a hindrance at times...we were excessively mean.
"I'm sorry, Aqua.", I whisper quietly. I have nothing else to say.
"M-me too, Aqua. Even though you help us so much.", Darkness says.
"I'm sorry for being rude to you, Aqua-san.", says an Iris on the verge of tears.
Aqua sniffles, rubs her eyes, and simply nods, almost imperceptibly, before walking back to her room.
The three of us look at each other in embarrassment, before dispersing.
Darkness goes to the living room to sit on the couch with Iris, where they talk silently with each other.
"We should probably do something for Aqua soon, right?", I ask Darkness quietly.
Both Iris and her nod at once. I nod back, and walk up the stairs to my room.
As soon as my feet touch the landing, I'm grabbed by a pair of tiny hands which pull me into a side room.
Someone puts a hand over my mouth, stopping me before I can scream. I find myself staring into a pair of bright red eyes. I grin beneath the hand, which was taken as a cue to shift the position of the hands and press my cheeks together. I smiled even wider, and then she let go.
"Kazuma."
"Hai, Kazuma desu."
"Before anything else, I'd like to say I'm proud of you for facing Aqua's complaint without making fun of her, Kazuma. It required a lot of courage from your end. I'm so so proud of you. Don't worry, we'll make things okay with her soon enough, so lighten up, alright?", she said softly, smiling at me.
Ba-boom.
I felt my heart explode. J-just why is this damn cutie so ADORABLE?
I immediately jump at her, hugging her on the bed.
"K-kazuma, we can't go at it s-"
"AH, I'm raring to go though, my body is READY despite last night! By the way, last knight was really something else."
Megumin blushes and whispers something I don't quite catch.
"Sorry Megumin, could you repeat that?"
Megumin turned a scarlet red, and dropped a gigantic explosion on me.
"Kazuma, I'm pregnant."
I turn to stone as soon as she says those words. Th-this can't be. How? I thought this world didn't have problems like that.
"Sorry, could you repeat that?", I ask, just to be sure.
"You heard me. I'm pregnant."
All my energy, my vitality, disappears. This can't be true.
I get up from my comfortable position on Megumin and pace around the room in contemplation while rubbing my chin with my hand like those philosophers.
I think a lot, while Megumin looks at me worriedly.
And then it hits me like a bolt from the blue.
"MEGUMIN!", I shout suddenly, jumping in front of her so my face is positioned but a few inches away. She yelps and flinches and almost slaps me in surprise, but I am thankfully spared from that fate.
"You can't be pregnant!", I whisper heatedly, as the flames of excitement dance in my eyes. Indeed, I was like a modern Plato, solving problems years ahead of me. Wow, no wonder I have the capability of building a true harem.
"H-how so?", Megumin mumbles, stuttering.
"Because you're not pregnant! You're Megumin!", I say.
Megumin's face immediately goes blank. She looks at me with a dead look in her eyes. "Did you seriously just do so much drama for a dad joke most readers probably won't even get?", she asks while sighing.
I gasp. "How dare you?! That was brilliantly placed and factual!"
She sighs yet again, and says," Forget it, I feel bad for- KAZUMA! OI, KAZUMA! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"
I promptly faint like a true alpha male. Pregnancy really is something. I'm already cracking lame jokes.
...