A/N: Sooo...
[blushes in shame while waving hand to everyone who's stumbled onto this collection]
...I know I promised this chapter in short order some... two... years ago? But, well, it turns out, writing about some things you've never experienced might prove a bit more intractible than writing about most other things you've never experienced, and I'll tell you all a bit of a secret: I've never been drunk in my life (no religious or moral reasons, just that I don't like the taste of alcohol and don't see the attraction of inebriation enough to want to deal with the usual hangover consequences). Mind you, I have also written about plenty of other things I've never experienced (refer back to Peter's home sections in the main story for an example of that) and they'd never given me trouble, so in my defence, I had no idea I'd end up totally stuck on putting this down for this long.
(Perhaps the second reason is that I really don't know how to write comedy, and I've never had this better demonstrated to myself than in this chapter. So instead, this is a mildly amusing teen melodrama chapter instead, and we'll all have to be content with it, I'm afraid.)
In all seriousness, when I decided not to put any of this into the main story, it was because I felt it wouldn't be contributing much to it and it would be taking up too much space in general. I stand by this as a very good decision after all this time, though I hope that even so, my long-time readers will enjoy a bit of silliness in what is generally an extremely emotionally heavy narrative, and that they'll manage to find some smidges of characterization that can enhance the way they see these three characters and their motives and actions.
So, without further ado - the drunken shenanigans chapter! For those who are new or (more likely) have totally forgotten, this chapter depicts the events on the penultimate night of Lily, Severus and Remus' seaside holiday to Clotilde's cottage in the summer of 1976, which came about because Lily's parents were divorcing and she needed a bit of an escape from her home life, and thus follows directly on Ch II,23 - To Seek an Equilibrium.
In Vino Veritas
Making alcohol was a skill all of its own; at its pinnacle, it was comparable to an art form, and many a Muggle and wizard alike had brought their recipes to such perfection that their products were known across the world.
But, at its core, there wasn't too much complexity to it – ferment and distil. High sugar content products plus yeast equalled ethanol, and purification was as difficult as heating the mixture up to the boiling temperature of alcohol and collecting the evaporate. High quality liquors were made of various fruits for flavours with additionally added sugar, and the fermentation process could last as long as several months. Rotgut liquor, on the other hand, needed only corn and could be done in a week.
Especially if one was a wizard with freedom to speed things up with magic.
Really, compared to all of the brewing chores his mother had saddled him with over the summer, Severus found himself positively enjoying the alcohol production. And much as it was his task, in truth, both Lily and Lupin contributed in some measure – Lupin, being the best of the three of them in transfiguration magic, took care of reshaping a few of Severus' cauldrons into a small still and a cooling coil, while Lily worked out the charms to help with temperature regulation on both ends of the machinery, keeping the still hot for boiling alcohol out of the mash and the water around the coil cold for precipitating the alcohol steam. Severus focused his energies on improving the effectiveness of the fermentation process, and also on the purification of the alcohol.
He didn't try to experiment too much with the taste, having never done any true research into the topic. His previous alcohol distillation had been mostly for potioneering purposes, when buying specialized alcohol extracts was far too expensive compared to the more laborious home-made job (plus, it had had the added bonus of allowing him experimentation on yet another level as well). Lily and Lupin both assured him they weren't picky so long as it didn't taste completely vile, and for his part, Severus had no wish to make it seem in any way appealing to himself; he refused to be anything alike to Tobias in any way.
They gathered all three by the still in the early afternoon of the agreed-upon 'night of debauchery', as Lily had taken to calling it, and ate a late lunch while Severus got the distillation going, answering Lily's numerous questions about the process absent-mindedly. They'd set up the still outside, and the heat of the magic-fuelled furnace coupled with the summer temperatures left Severus a sweaty mess in minutes, his hair sticking to his neck and cheeks, his tee developing wet patches under the armpits and on the chest and back. For their part, Lily and Lupin didn't look much better, though rather than complaining, Lily simply cast a breeze charm, so that at least they'd have the illusion of fresh air. And though he'd not believed it would ever happen, when she offered him a hair tie, Severus actually found himself glad to be able to pull the hair away from his face and neck.
Lupin's rather strange look at that made him cross his arms over his chest and lift his eyebrows in challenge. Lupin's answer was to shake his head and turn his attention back to the still, blatantly non-engaging. After almost a week of watching his own temper, Severus found it rather easy to let it go instead of say anything. And frankly, in this quite literally hellish temperature, he really didn't have even a little bit of a desire to pursue a confrontation, either. The air was so hot it was hard to properly breathe.
It took a while for the alcohol to start precipitating in proper quantities, but when the first translucent droplets began dripping from the tip of the cooling coil into a bottle, Lily giggled like a little girl and clapped her hands together in obvious glee, leaving Severus and Lupin in the uncomfortable position of sharing identical looks of bemused incredulity as they stared at her.
"I know you're bursting with anticipation, Lils, but this is a bit... yeah."
She huffed at him. "Sourpusses, the both of you." When Lupin rolled his eyes, she gave him a haughty look. "Well, some of us don't go around breaking rules and making illegal liquors every chance they get; I have the right to be excited if I want to."
"Hey, I resent that!"
"Wait, are you telling us that you and your precious gaggle of arseholes didn't try doing this yourselves?" Severus butted in, putting as much incredulity into his voice as possible. "Because I'm more likely to believe you if you told me Black likes dressing in tutus and taking it up the arse."
"Severus!" Lily gasped, looking mildly scandalised. "Must you be so crass?!"
He offered her a dismissive shrug, far too amused by the queasiness on Lupin's face to even try pulling off contrition. When he looked back at her, to his surprise, Lily seemed equally fighting amusement, if her dancing eyes were anything to go by. Apparently, not even bad language could dampen her enthusiasm for the evening.
She met his gaze and snorted, covering her mouth with her fingers in a bid to keep the giggles in. Severus frowned, asking voicelessly 'what'.
"Nothing, just... well, if he did, I have a feeling I know whom he'd like it from."
"Lily!" Lupin exclaimed, while Severus found himself laughing with more mirth than he had in, Merlin, must have been years. The way that Lupin was rapidly shifting from almost insulted to stupefied only made Severus laugh harder, which of course made Lily join in, until they were caught in one of those idiotic fits where it was impossible to stop, because the moment you locked eyes with your partner in laughter, it'd get you going all over again.
And apparently, it was so contagious that Lupin wasn't immune to it either, so that his deeper, more sonorous laughter joined in as well, which pushed Lily metaphorically over the edge and quite literally off her feet, tears dripping down her sweaty, reddened cheeks. The sight made Severus clutch at his aching stomach muscles and bend over almost double, but the laughter wouldn't stop, and seeing Lupin banging his fist against his thigh only made him laugh even harder.
In the end, they were all on the ground in various states of breathless exhaustion, cramping abdominal muscles and leaking eyes, and it was a good five or more minutes of almost uninterrupted laughter later.
"We're mean," Lily gasped out, rubbing her sternum absent-mindedly through the sweat-darkened front of her cotton shirt.
"Oh, please, I have no doubt they've had many a laugh at my expense. Lupin here can attest to it, no doubt."
"Fair enough," Lupin voiced tightly. "Though if he knew what we'd been laughing about, Sirius would no doubt break all our noses, and a few more things besides."
"He could try," Severus retorted. "Wouldn't be my nose that'd be rearranged."
"I'm sure your nose wouldn't even look that different, Snape."
"Hey!" Lily snapped at him as Severus pushed to a seated position, bristling sharply, the mirth evaporating out of him like so much smoke. Lupin met Severus' eyes, looking surprisingly contrite.
"That was uncalled for," he admitted quietly before Severus could spit out his retort regarding Lupin's self-mutilation. "I apologise. I just... until recently, they were my best friends; I guess... I'm still not quite up to taking the piss out of them in this manner."
Lily sighed and climbed to her feet; her excitement was gone as well, the tense atmosphere lingering in spite of Lupin's apology. Severus mourned its passing, only now realising how much he'd been basking in it – Lily genuinely excited about something had always had the power to make him feel a bit drunk, a bit off centre. It had been so long he'd not even recognised the feeling, and he wanted it back with fervent greed.
It made him resent Lupin for stealing it from him for the next few hours at least.
"And the honour goes to... me!" Lily exclaimed once they'd all put their beach towels on the sand and plopped down on them. She lifted the one-point-five-litre glass bottle high up, turning to salute the setting sun, before bringing it to her lips and chugging a big gulp of it down.
She promptly spat it all out in a fine-misted spray, coughing so hard she had to bang her chest with her fist a bit to get herself settled.
Naturally, her two best friends were laughing their arses off at her.
"Merlin, this is bloody strong."
"That was sort of the point, Lils," Remus said through his sniggers, reaching for the bottle and taking a chug himself. "Huh, this is actually not that bad."
"Of course it's not; I made it," Severus snapped, grabbing the bottle to take a swallow himself, before returning it to Lily. "Try going a bit slower this time?"
"Fool me once," she replied with a shrug and did as he'd bid her. She wasn't quite sure how much worse it could be, because it was, in fact, pretty bad, burning her throat as it went down and leaving her wanting to pant from the spicy aftertaste left in her mouth. Still, she'd been looking forward to this evening of silliness far too much to be discouraged by rotgut liquor actually tasting like, well, rotgut.
She passed the bottle to Remus and leaned back on her hands, enjoying the way the sunset warmed her back and coloured the sea in soothing shades of deep blue. She was going to miss this place when she had to return to Cokeworth.
"Maybe we could come here again some time?"
"The three of us?" Remus asked, sounding quite doubtful about the idea.
"Why not?" she argued. "I mean, I know you guys aren't gonna be best of friends any time soon, but we work together well enough. Don't we?"
"To, I am sure, everyone's utter surprise," Severus spoke up, taking a swig from the bottle passed to him by the werewolf boy before handing it to Lily.
"So you wouldn't be opposed to the idea, Snape?"
Severus inclined his head thoughtfully. Lily watched him over the rim of the bottle as she took a swallow, the liquor sliding down her throat and settling heat into her stomach.
"If Lily insisted."
Sticking the bottle into the sand, Lily leapt off her towel and onto his, ambushing him with an exuberant, brief hug that he had no chance of reacting to before she was back in her seat.
Her head swam a little.
"Uh-oh; I think it's hitting her already," Remus said with laughter in his voice. "You really are a total lightweight, aren't you, Lily?"
"I told you I'd never gotten drunk before," she turned to pout at him, before another thought caught up with her. "Is it supposed to be this fast?"
"With fiftyish percent alcohol content, and how much you've chugged down in ten minutes? Oh, yes."
That perked her right back up. "Well, then, you two'll just have to put up with me, won't you?"
"Haven't we been doing that for the past week?"
Lily's mood plummeted momentarily; she had been rather a bore.
Remus punched Severus in the shoulder with a scowl, and Severus suddenly looked very guilty.
"That's not – I meant to say –"
"I'm not like Tuney, Sev, am I? I'm not, right?"
Severus blinked in surprise. "No, Lily. You're nothing like Tuney."
"'Scept, I'm not supposed to call her Tuney anymore. Pe-tu-ni-a. Pe-tuney? Pe-tuney!"
Remus tugged the bottle out of her grip. "Easy there, Lils. Share the joy with us for a bit, yeah?"
Lily's head swam a bit, and she shook it to dislodge the stupid thought. Joy. She smiled; yes, that was the point of this escapade, she remembered. To be happy!
"Okie, Remmy. You catch up."
She dropped herself on her towel and decided to stare into the sky while they got drunk too. It was pretty, almost burning orange up above her and deep blue down below. She couldn't see the ground at all, and felt very dizzy, and very light.
It made her laugh out loud.
Remus felt utterly pleased with himself for being so right – no one made such good liquor like a potioneer. Snape's rotgut alcohol was maybe not very tasty, but it was sure potent. It sat warmly in his stomach and made him loose and relaxed.
Lily was twirling with her hands spread out. Her hair was liquid copper fire in the last rays of the setting sun, spreading around her head. Beside him, Snape looked like someone had hit him over the head with something; the look on his face made Remus snort.
"Wha?" Snape shot, blinking at him a bit too much.
"Nothing. Lils, you'll be sick."
Lily laughed, tripped and fell face-first in the sand. She rolled back, right onto Snape's lap, spluttering all the way and wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand so that Snape almost dropped back onto his elbows in surprise at her move. Sand stuck all on her face from the sweat.
"The sky's so purty," she said with a sigh, smiling happily up at Snape. Her hair had settled all around his lap. When Snape frowned, she lifted her finger up and tried to bop his hooked nose. The boy batted her hand away and scowled at her. Remus had to laugh at her silliness, and Lily laughed with him, too, probably just because he was laughing.
Winning the private bet he'd made with himself on what sort of drunk she'd be gave Remus a bubbly feeling in his chest. He swung the bottle up again and took a moderate swallow. His stomach wasn't cast-iron like Sirius', but his metabolism did compensate a lot. He had no problems getting drunk, but pacing himself was about the only way to stay drunk.
"I'm funny, am I?" Snape snapped, making Remus frown at him. Lily didn't seem upset at that, though; she smiled widely up at him instead.
"Course you are, Sev. You're Sev. Don't be sad!" she said when he scowled at her. Her voice dipped into distress for a moment. "It's a good thing! I like you funny!"
"I bet you do," Remus said with a grin. "Take a swig, Sev, lighten up."
Snape growled. "Call me that again, try it, wolf."
Remus blinked in surprise, deciding that maybe he shouldn't have called him that after all. But Lily laughed again and rolled off his lap.
"That's such a funny sound. See, I told you you're funny."
Snape scrambled to his feet and crossed his arms over his chest, looking very angry. "I'm not funny, Lily. I'm... I'm..."
"You're my Sev'rus," she declared, springing up and stumbling into him so that he also stumbled and they barely stayed on their feet, to Remus' intense amusement. "You don't have to be funny to anyone else, Sev, that's fine. He's not funny to you, is he, Remus?"
"Oh, he's hilarious," Remus replied, grinning up at them. The storm cloud above Snape's head was almost not metaphorical, that was how bad his scowl was. Remus thought that maybe he'd won the other bet with himself too.
"I could show you hilarious," Snape said, glaring at Remus but stuck in place because Lily was clinging to him like a limpet.
"Just as soon as Lily gets off ya, I imagine."
"Oh, then I shan't! Shan't, shan't!" Lily chanted. She wrapped her arms around Snape's chest and burrowed her head in his abdomen. She also seemed to be squeezing so strongly that Snape huffed out a breath and didn't know what to do with his arms.
But he didn't move away. Remus thought that it'd be nice if Lily hugged him like that, too; he missed being hugged. Only his mum really hugged him properly. But maybe that was because only girls were allowed to hug boys and other girls, too. Boys were not allowed to hug boys.
That was a very stupid rule, Remus decided. Sometimes, the Wolf liked to snuggle with Padfoot, when it got tired of running around. Remus missed that. He wasn't sure if he missed Sirius, though. Padfoot was much nicer company than Sirius any way he looked at it.
"If you shan't him any more than that, Lily, I think you'll make him die of lack of oxygen," Remus noted and laughed at how red Snape's face was.
"That makes no sense at all," Lily complained but let Snape go and began twirling again. Snape plopped down on the towel and took a big swallow.
The liquor was almost gone.
"We'll rant and we'll roar, like true British sailors; we'll rant and we'll roar across the salt seas... The stars are purty, aren't they?" Lily said.
"Suppose they are," Lupin agreed from his towel.
Lily lifted her arms up and waved them above her head. "D'you deel fizzy... er, feel dizzy when you look aaaall the way up up up? Like you can feel the Dearth... no, Earth... Earth spinning and, and leaving yah behind?"
Severus tried, then closed his eyes to stop the vertigo. "Ugh. Nah." Why was he even listening to her, who put her in charge of doing things when they were drunk?
"You're boring, Sev, you know that? You're being booo-ring."
Severus only ever remembered that Lily was mean when he wasn't around her. When he was around her, she always caught him off guard with it, and it always hurt more than it should. "Then why'reya hangin' out w'me?"
Lily laughed, like she always did when she didn't realise she'd hurt him. "Because I like you, silly. You're jus' being boring now."
"He's being a sourpuss," Lupin added.
"That's my word!" Lily exclaimed. "Isn't it a funny word?"
It wasn't a funny word.
Severus sat up on his towel and turned to Lupin, because he could never be properly angry with Lily. If he tried, then she got hurt and he hated himself when he hurt her. But he could hurt Lupin. He deserved it, hogging all of Lily's attention. "You seem to wanna pick a fight with me, wolf."
Lupin gave him a grin. "You're the one who keeps growling all the time, Snape! Maybe you're the wolf!"
Ugly memories bubbled up to the surface. Dark tunnel. Open exit. A massive monster that sometimes chased him in his nightmares. Severus jumped to his feet. His fists were itching to hit something. Preferably Lupin's face. "Since you almost turned me inna one–"
Now Lupin was also sitting up, and there was anger on his face, too. Good. "I apologised for that already, you don't get freebies–"
Severus scoffed. "I couldna buy coal for a Christmas stocking with your apologies–"
"At least you'd have enough to buy coal, since you can't afford anything else–"
"Says the boy who dadn't even know how ta use mending charms proply–"
"At least my hair is always clean! And I don't stick my straight nose into my p... pppp... parchment when I write!"
"Oh, I'll rerange your straight nose for ya, shall I?" Severus yelled, jumping to his feet and then almost falling because his head was spinning a bit. Right, he was drunk.
"I'm going swimming." Lily declared with a nod. Severus immediately forgot about Lupin and rolled his eyes at her. She couldn't even get to her feet properly, she was so drunk, and she wanted to go swimming.
"Don't be silly, Lily, you'll just end up drownin'," he told her, since she was too drunk to think for herself.
"I will not!"
"You're stinkin' drunk!"
"Am not!" She exclaimed. She tried to get to her feet and slipped on her towel. "Ooof. Oh! Mebbe I am." Then she gave him a big smile that made his chest feel tight. "But I can still swim! And, and..." she sat back on her bum with a frown as she thought it over. Severus loved her frowns, they always made him want to run his fingers over them. Her face cleared. "I know! If I push off my clothes, they won't take me down!"
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
"What–" Severus started.
"Wait–" Lupin began.
"What?" Lily asked with confusion. "It's your idea in the first place, Sev!" She was reaching back to the ties of her bikini top.
"It is not! Lily, stop!" She laughed and pulled out of his reach. Severus narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm stickin' your bathing suit to ya," he warned, digging his wand out of the sand. When he had it in his hand, he tried to wave it at her and tripped and fell down, because his head was still spinning.
Lily laughed, tried to scramble to her feet and run to the sea. "You can't catch me, you're too drunk to even stand on your ffffeet!"
"You're one to talk!" he exclaimed, trying to have another go at the sticking spell, though he wasn't sure anymore what the proper words for it were. It was because Lily's top was now off and his brain was deciding that it should short-circuit for a bit, like the light fixtures when his mother used too much magic.
"Well, I jus–" She fell down again. "Gah, sand tastes horrible, doesn'it?" she muttered, spitting and flicking her tongue. "Gimme the bottle!" she demanded, scrambling back to take a big chug out of it. Then she spat a bit more – she clearly still had sand in her mouth. She looked at the bottle and frowned. "Hey, d'you think pirates also accidally... acc... accid... ent-ally! ate sand? Maybe that's why they drank so much rum! Oh, rem'ber, rem'ber... how's that one sea shanty go, Sev?" Her face cleared in triumph. "Way hey blow the man down! Oh, give me some time to blow the man down!" she sang in a bad Irish accent. It made her giggle so hard she fell on her bum and giggled some more while Severus tried to pull the bottle away from her. She might spill what little was left.
"Oh!" she exclaimed, suddenly stopping the giggling and crossed her legs tightly one over the other. "Oops."
"Lily?"
She giggled again. "I think I peed m'self a bit!" She seemed utterly perplexed for a second, then scrambled to her feet. "Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee!"
She tripped and stumbled on her way to the water, then made an exaggerated sigh followed by more giggling when she was deep enough to do what she'd said she'd do. Severus sat on the sand and tried to understand what had just happened.
"There!" Lily exclaimed, then dunked herself into the water clumsily. When she came up, she lobbed something at their stuff that landed with a soft wet dud – her bikini panties.
Merlin, she was naked in the water.
"Lily!" Severus exclaimed, scandalised.
"Well, you comin'?" She asked, planting her hands on her hips bossily. Her hair was plastered to her forehead and arms and shoulders and breasts. She looked almost like she was stuck in seaweed, completely ridiculous. Especially because she didn't seem to notice that she was being ridiculous.
Severus got distracted by her breasts, though. He really liked her breasts, he decided – not too large but not small either, and perky. He'd never thought he'd get to see them, too. Too bad it was so dark he couldn't see her nipples. He was very curious about her nipples, though he couldn't quite remember why at the moment.
"Well, you gonna sit this one out, then?" Lupin asked.
Lupin!
Lupin could also see Lily naked!
"Come on, Sev! Severus! Sev! Pleeeeease! The water's so nice, you gotta come in! Come on, you guys! Blokes! Chaps! Fellas! Dudes! There's really lotsa lotsa words for boys, in't there?"
Lupin looked at her and laughed happily, and Lily laughed with him, too. Their laughter filled the quiet air around them, and Severus felt like he couldn't breathe, his chest was so tight.
Then Lupin looked down at him out of the corner of his eyes, and Severus realised with a surge of fury that the other boy was challenging him. For Lily.
Lupin was never going to get Lily, not if Severus had anything to say about it. Lily was his, his best friend, his prettiest girl in the world, his love of his life. And he was not going to let Lupin just watch while Lily splashed around naked in the water. He wasn't allowed to see Lily naked.
So angry he couldn't see straight, Severus swallowed the last of the liquor in that bottle he'd stolen from Lily so that he could toss it at Lupin's head. There was no point wasting good alcohol. Then he swung it in Lupin's general direction, but got too tangled in tugging his shirt over his head and wriggling out of his trunks as fast as his clumsy limbs would obey to see if it landed.
The bottle had landed, but in the sand too far away from Lupin's head, so he'd clearly missed. Agitated, Severus surged to his feet and pushed Lupin hard onto the ground instead. Then he ran into the water, not even looking back to see if the other boy was hurt.
He clearly wasn't, because he was laughing again and running after Severus into the water, the two of them splashing mightily as they raced to get to Lily first. Lily was shrieking delightedly like a banshee and screaming her head off and then a big spray of water hit Severus right in the face, and oh, it was so on.
Lily barely managed to close her mouth before her head was under the water. Severus' hands were slippery on her shoulders, though, so she wiggled away and tried to wrap her arm around his neck. Remus helped to push him down, too, so they dunked him instead.
She swam away as fast as she could, laughing hysterically, and got a mouthful of water when Remus pulled her by the leg and she went splattering back into the tangle of limbs.
Everything was twirly and spinning and she felt dizzy, and everything was hilarious, so she laughed and banged her arms and legs in the water to get away from the boys or get as much water in their mouths too.
Sea water and rotgut liquor did not mix well at all.
But at least they were better than sand, she decided.
"Tag, you're it!" Lily yelled, pushing Remus down and swimming away. Remus lunged for her and then got stuck, because Severus grabbed him by his waist and tugged him away.
"Run, Lily, run!"
She laughed some more and swam away, except then Remus turned on Severus and that wasn't on, Severus had just saved her. So she dived down and grabbed for the nearest body part she could find. It was someone's thigh, maybe, and that someone turned and pushed her further down in retaliation until she was scraping the sand at the bottom.
The weight went away and she pushed herself up to stand properly, spitting and coughing.
"No fair, I was diving!"
"You snooze, you lose!"
"That doesn't even make any sense!" she exclaimed and laughed some more.
Then she jumped back onto the boys, and they went round and round like that for another while.
In the end, when she finally couldn't even laugh, that was how tired she was, she stumbled towards the shore.
She fell into the water and crawled a bit, then banged her legs up and down to splash some more and decided to lay there until she wasn't so tired. Her stomach felt queasy, too, now that the water was moving forward and back around her in little waves.
Remus plopped down next to her.
"Tired?" he asked.
"Bleh," she replied, frowning at him. "Don't think I feel so good."
Actually, she really wasn't feeling very well all of a sudden. There was something sitting in the back of her throat, pressing down. Head spinning, she sat up onto her knees. She felt like burping, except it wasn't exactly like that.
"Uh, Lils..."
"I think I'manna puke."
Lily threw up into the shallow water in front of her. It was mostly digested bits of lunch in a lot of liquid, and it tasted horrible. She threw up some more.
When she thought she was done, Lily made a face at all the icky stuff floating around her and tried to swim away.
"Ugh."
Her stomach wasn't hurting so much anymore, which was good. But her mouth was icky. And her eyes also wouldn't stay open anymore. She was so tired.
She decided she would float a bit in the water and closed her eyes. "I think I'm just sleep here a bit," she murmured.
"Oooh, no, no, no," Remus said. His voice sounded all far away and distorted like this. "We're going back to the cottage. Come on, up and at'em!"
"What's that even mean?" she asked, a giggle escaping her.
"Snape! The damsel is in distress, we gotta get her back in!"
"You sound like those tairy fale books I read as a kid," she said softly, delighted with the idea. "Or those Disney films! My fave is The Sword in the Stone. It's got Merlin, and, and Medes. No, Arch... Arch-a-medes! That's my owl, d'you know?"
"Come on, Wart, you can't be the Sleeping Beauty here," Remus said, tugging on her arm under her armpit. Someone else also tugged on her other arm and, oh, there was Severus, and now she wasn't floating anymore, she was standing.
Lily tried to take a step and stumbled, so they all almost fell back down.
"Water's spinning," she said, letting the boys pull her up a bit as she tried to get her feet under her. "My legs dinna work."
That sounded hilarious, so she laughed some more, and the boys laughed with her.
She had to stop them all and take some deep breaths, because she was very breathless all of a sudden. Probably all that laughing and swallowing sea water. Or maybe the throwing up. Throwing up made more sense, she decided.
"Sev, Sev. I puked."
"I know, Lily," he said. "Are you all done with it?"
"Dunno. I think so, but I'm not sure. How d'you know? If I puke again, can I aim at you?" she asked.
"Only if I can puke on you back," Severus muttered.
"You two are disgusting," Remus said, shaking his head.
"No, no, we're friends!" Lily insisted. Severus pulled her arm up and put it over his shoulders, and on her other side, Remus did the same. "That's what best friends are for," she told them importantly, leaning into Severus so that they all stumbled in that direction, like a big six-armed, six-legged magical creature. Oh, were they still best friends? She'd not been sure before, she thought. "We are best friends, aren't we?" she asked, scared all of a sudden that they weren't.
"Yes, Lily. Always," Severus promised, and Lily smiled at him because it was the best thing she'd ever heard in her life.
Sev was the best friend a girl could ever have.
Remus remembered to pick up their wands on their stumbling, drunken way back to the cottage.
The wands were very important, he remembered that much, so he made them all stop until he'd found them. He didn't have anywhere to put them, since he didn't have any clothes, but it seemed better to hold onto them instead of giving them to the other two.
They were way drunker than he was, he thought.
Or no, it was that his furry problem was a party pooper, so he never stayed drunk properly.
But at least he'd remembered the wands, because the other two were way too drunk to remember!
"Gimme, gimme, gimme," Lily slurred, reaching for her wand and making them all stumble in Remus' direction.
"No! Drunk girls don't get wands to play with. You get it tomorrow." He giggled, because this was the sort of joke Sirius would make. Wands to play with! Sirius had a dirty mind, and Remus thought him hilarious sometimes. But secretly! He was supposed to be the mature one of the four.
"But I want my wand back! It's mine!"
Except he wasn't one of the four anymore. Didn't matter, Remus decided. He had two new friends he was quite happy with. Happy being drunk with. While they tried to drown each other in the sea, without any clothes on.
"Yes, hand'em over," Snape said in that same voice he used right before Lily got them all distracted with swimming starkers, so Remus thought maybe it was just easier to hand them over after all.
He didn't want any bottles thrown at him again, even if Snape's aim was so bad he wouldn't have hit the side of Hogwarts if he'd been aiming.
"Way hey blow the man down!" Lily sang, tugging them off balance a bit as she giggled.
"Gimme some time to blow the man down," Remus joined in. It sounded better if more than one person was singing. That was why he joined. Not because he found the song really funny.
"Oh, let's do the Spanish Ladies again!"
Snape started it off. "We'll rant and we'll roar, like true British sailors; we'll rant and we'll roar across the salt seas!" Lily and Remus joined in as soon as they could, so that they all together sang the rest of the chorus. "Until we strike soundings; in the Channel of old England; From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues!"
They stumbled into the cottage through the back door and up the stairs to their rooms, where Lily tugged them in the direction of the bathroom.
"No, thisaway, Lily," Snape said, pulling the other way.
"But I got sand on my legs. No, feet! And I puked!" Lily complained, stopping to try and brush it off – except her arms were still wrapped around Remus' and Snape's shoulders, so she just got them all wobbling into the wall. "I wanna shower!"
"You're too drunk," Snape said, over-enunciating words. He just wanted to appear like he wasn't as drunk, but Remus had heard him slurring his words all the time before. "And you took a swim after puking. You're fine."
Lily put her bottom lip out in a pout and gave him a look.
"But I feel all icky, Sev! I puked! Puking, thasafunny word, innit? Puking. Pu-uuu-king. Oh, I know! You could help me, I don't mind. Please?! I just wanna shower."
"Yeah, Sev, we could all shower together," Remus agreed, the thought of showering together reminding him of all the issues everyone was having this summer because of the heat. "After all, there isn't enough water this summer, remember? We have to do our little bits! Ha! Little bits!"
"Huh?" Lily asked, blinking at him. "You never make sense when you're drunk, Remus," she decided.
Remus deflated; well, his joke was funny to him. Sirius would have found it funny. But then, Sirius had an unrefined sense of humour, so who cared about him.
"No shower," he said firmly. Lily let herself hang off of them to be mean for a bit, then got moving when he and Snape tugged her to her room. She was pliant until they reached her bed, but then she jerked forward and they all ended up sprawling on her bed like idiots with their butts sticking up and everything.
"M'sleepy," Lily slurred as Remus and Snape managed to get free of her weight to sit on the bed.
"Should we just leave her?"
Snape rubbed his forehead first, then sighed.
"Why not," he decided grumpily.
"She's still starkers."
"I see that."
They sat there for a bit longer, trying to decide what to do. Lily was already blissfully asleep, and Remus wished he could just stretch out on the bed and kip for a couple of hours, too.
But they were all starkers as babies, and while it didn't bother him now very much, he thought it might in the morning, when he wasn't sloshed.
"Nighties!"
Snape jumped in fright.
"Huh?"
"We should put a nightie on her and leave her here."
"Fine."
Snape reached across Lily to tuck his hand under her pillow next to Remus' hip. Lily grumbled at his weight on her back but didn't wake up. Snape's hand emerged holding fabric.
"Ha!"
"Hey, I do that too," Remus said, delighted by the idea that other people also kept their pyjamas under their pillows.
"Now how are we goin' to dress'er?" Snape asked, and they looked down at their friend.
She didn't seem inclined to offer advice.
"Like a crane," Remus decided. "I'm stronger, I'll lift, and you tug it on."
Lily's legs were heavy, but he held them up gamely while Snape tried to tuck first one foot and then the other into the correct holes in the shorts. He managed to tug the shorts up to her knees before losing his balance so that they all ended up crashing back onto the bed, Remus sprawled over Lily's bum and Snape's nose buried in Remus' armpit.
She didn't wake up.
"Ugh, you stink!" Snape exclaimed, sitting down on the floor.
"Like you're sunshine and flowers."
"Lily's right; you don't make any sense when you're drunk."
Remus rolled his eyes. Everyone was a critic tonight, apparently. "Come on, we're half-way there. I'll roll her and you get the shorts up."
Lily managed to sleep through it, and they smiled triumphantly at each other. Then they realised that they also had to get her top on, and Remus didn't want to touch her breasts, because if she found out, he knew Lily would be upset.
It was only that it was almost too dark for Remus to see where he was putting his hands, and he was the one with the better night vision of the two of them.
"I think I need to be a bit drunker for this," he decided morosely.
Lily's top hit him in the face and he jerked back; Snape's aim was much better than last time. Then again, this time he was sitting right there at Remus' feet.
"You put it on'er, I'll hold'er up," Snape ordered. "I'm drunk enough."
"I bet you are," Remus agreed. Damn his furry roommate and its stupidly fast metabolism. He waited until Snape clambered back onto the bed and sat behind Lily's head. Then he heaved her torso up and leaned her against his chest.
Remus stuck the camisole over her head and then they wrestled her limp arms through the other holes. Snape batted him away when Remus tried to pull it down properly and did it himself. He made sure to watch, too, because it was very suspicious, but Snape didn't cop any feels. That was all right, then; he would have had to tell Lily in the morning and it would have been all awkward. Maybe he would have had to tell her. Perhaps; after all, she would have deserved it, for falling sleep on them like a sack of potatoes. And he wasn't disliking Snape so much as before, so maybe not. The other boy did make good liquor.
"Did we put it on backwards?" Snape asked squinting down.
"I... don't think I care," Remus concluded, scooting to stand up swayingly on his feet. "Give her here on the pillow. I wanna go to sleep."
They finally settled her on her pillow and stumbled back into the hallway, leaning against one another.
In the hallway, they looked at each other for a long moment.
What Remus decided was this – he wasn't as drunk as the other two, but he was still way too drunk and tired to deal with Snape. He was going to bed and the other boy could do what he wanted. Snape apparently decided the same thing, because they managed to go their own ways at the same time.
When he was finally in his room, Remus dug out his sleeping shorts and crawled into his bed, feeling loose and exhausted.
He was going to have to get his revenge on Lily for her silly falling asleep tomorrow. That way they would all end up feeling awkward and annoyed, and would all be equal. He took some time to decide how best to go about doing it.
He fell asleep before he quite managed to work it out.