Chapter 1
'Chloe!' I hear mums voice scream as I feel the ground beneath me fall, the walls around me spinning and a ringing in my ears appearing. I see mum's face slowly grow smaller and smaller and then, nothing.
3 months before.
Chapter 1
I groan, rolling over, head thumping and heart pounding, feeling like I only slept for 2 minutes, when realistically I know I slept for a solid 4 hours. I wipe my eyes and stretch out my arms before rolling out of bed, knowing that if I don't soon, I'll end up back asleep. I walk over to my bathroom, and glace at myself in the mirror, hair can last another day without a wash and I'll just use extra deodorant, its fine. I glance around, stupidly expecting someone to be there, when I live alone, before pulling off my PJ's and pulling the scales from underneath my cupboard out. I stand quickly on the cold glass scale, making my bare feet twice as cold as they already are. I glance down at the number, praying it's smaller than yesterday, needing it to be smaller than yesterday. 101lbs. The same. Dammit. I shouldn't have had that latte with mum. I kick the scales in slight frustration before sliding them back away and vowing to myself to keep control today.
I grasp the flask of hot black coffee tightly in my freezing hand as I make my way into the hospital, ready for another busy shift, 'Chloe, wait up!' I hear Dom, my newly found out adopted half-brother I have, 'hey.' I reply quietly, things only slightly getting better between us, 'good morning, how are you? You look tired.' Dom asks glancing up and down at me, 'yeah couldn't get off to sleep last night.' I mumble quietly mentally wishing the bloody lift would hurry up, 'anyway. Some of us are going to Albie's tonight for leaving drinks for Nathan, you coming?' he asks, internally I want to politely decline and say I have work to catch up on, but externally my head is nodding, 'yeah, yeah sure. Sounds nice.' I reply, cursing at myself inside. 'Okay, well, good. I'll catch you later!' Dom says before hurrying off to Keller ward. I take a sip of my coffee, why did I agree to this?
'Miss Godard, you'll be assisting me on a Mitrial valve replacement in 15 minutes, Mrs Dawson, get the patient prepped for surgery please.' Jac says, I nod and head towards the locker room, my head pounding. I pop two aspirin before grabbing a hair tie and walking over to the bay to sort out the patient. I stare into the glass screen, absentmindedly washing my hands, my head swirling around, 'Miss Godard, how would you feel about leading this surgery?' Jac asks, which stuns me, lead it? 'Really? Me?' I ask looking around, 'well of course you. Unless you think Harry, the nurse is qualified to carry out this procedure?' Jac asks in her usual sarcastic tone. 'No-no of course not, I would love to. Thank you.' I state quickly, my heart suddenly pounding in my chest. 'Good. Because it's showtime.'
I finish closing up the patient 6 hours later, the surgery having been a success, 'good. Nice work Godard.' Jac says. I smile slightly, getting even a small compliment off Jac is like gold dust. I walk back into the scrub room, the patient now being taken through to recovery and start washing my hands again. I hear my stomach grumble slightly as I flinch, I am so hungry right now. No. You can't. You have to stay in control. 'Godard, my office 5 minutes.' Jac say's coldly. I nod and sigh, here we go again. I quickly change into my other scrubs and shake my messy curls out before scraping them into a low ponytail, I grab my phone from the pocket and notice the 2 missed text messages:
Mum: Hi Chloe, wondering if you fancied a catchup later? I brought sushi. My office 14:30? Xx
Dom: Hey, just checking if you are still up for later, really want to talk to you? X
I send a quick reply to mum and Dom, agreeing to both before rushing off to Jac's office. I take a deep breath and knock lightly, 'Come in' Jac's cold voice calls out, 'you asked to speak to me?' I state nervously as I fiddle with my hands, 'ah yes, please, sit.' Jac say's her tone slightly softer, 'is there something wrong?' I ask suddenly getting very nervous, 'no, not really. You were very good in surgery today.' Jac states, I nod, my nerves increasingly growing, 'however, I noticed something whilst you were scrubbing in earlier. I will only ask you this once, because I don't do feelings, but are you okay?' Jac asks cautiously, 'um yes, of course, why?' I ask confused even more now, 'I saw, marks, on your arm as you were scrubbing in. They looked self-inflicted, I just wanted to make sure you are okay.' Jac states, I instantly feel myself turning a bright red shade. 'Um, they, it's nothing. I'm fine.' I mumble, feeling my chest grow tight. 'Hmm, if you're sure, that's all, go on your lunch break now then.' Jac states as she grabs a pile of notes. 'Thank you.' I state plastering on a fake smile and standing up, immediate getting a head rush, but pushing through. 'Miss Godard.' Jac calls out, 'yes?' I reply turning around to face her, 'my door is always open.' She states nodding, I nod and appreciate the small gesture from Jac.
'Knock knock.' I say standing in the doorway of my mum's office, 'come in darling.' Mum says looking up from her desk, 'how was your morning?' she asks as I make my way over to the sofa, 'busy, tiring.' I state rubbing my face, 'you look tired.' Mum states, I nod sighing and take a sip of the black coffee, 'how was your day?' I ask eyeing up the sushi mum starts pulling out of a carrier bag, 'yeah busy, testing.' Mum says as I try to stop my stomach from rumbling 'what, what happened.' I ask, distracting myself from the agonising hunger pains rippling through my body, 'um appendicitis, tonsillitis and we had a young girl with anorexia in.' Mum states, I nod suddenly getting intrigued by the conversation, 'what happened to her?' I ask taking another sip of coffee, 'well we're waiting for a CAMH's referral at the moment but she's refusing to eat anything.' Mum say's taking a bite of sushi, 'poor girl.' I say glancing out of the window, 'come on, eat up, I haven't got a long break.' Mum states, I nod, putting on a fake smile and taking a piece of sushi and staring at it. Wanting nothing more than to devour the whole box of them but knowing I must stay in control.
Don't eat that. You don't need to eat that. What the hell do you think you're doing. You're disgusting, worthless human being, your mum doesn't love you. Nobody does, how could anyone ever love you.
'Chloe, what's wrong?' Mum asks calling me out of my trance, I snap and face her, 'sorry, just thinking.' I reply quietly before taking a small nibble from the sushi. Almost two seconds later my bleep goes off, 'sorry that's Darwin, it's an emergency.' I say abruptly before leaving the barely touched piece of sushi and rushing out the door.
I spray my perfume before grabbing my leather jacket and bag, heading out of the locker room, 'good night.' I say to the nurses who are on the night shift before wandering out of the hospital my head pounding and feeling a lot worse for wear. I make the quick journey to Albie's and hover outside deciding whether I should I go in or bail. I spin around deciding I just want to go home, and to send a sorry text to Dom later, when I bump in my mum. 'Sorry.' I mumble, stepping away, 'you weren't thinking of bailing, were you?' Mum asks with a smirk, 'no, of course not.' I state rolling my eyes and turning back around, internally groaning. We walk into Albie's and I smile at a few of the people already there, Donna, Fletch, Sacha, Essie, Zosia, Lofty and of course Dom. 'What are you having?' Mum asks as I look at the bar, 'a double vodka lemonade please.' I ask as mum nods and proceeds to order at the bar, I walk over to a small table and sit down, rubbing my forehead, 'here we go.' Mum's voice calls out, placing down my drink and a large glass of wine for herself.
'Hey you guys! I'm so happy you both came.' I hear Dom's slightly drunk voice call out, I glance towards mum who smirks, 'hey bro.' I reply bluntly, 'Dom how much have you had?' Mum asks with a slight giggle. 'Oh, not that much, ha. Can I offer either of you lovely ladies with some tequila shots?' Dom asks, Mum shakes her head, 'Sorry not for me tonight, long shift tomorrow.' Mum says, I ponder for a moment, I mean I am here already? May as well drink. 'Yeah go on then.' I reply standing up and following him to the bar.