Wednesday
She's walking up the street towards her house when she spots him sitting on her doorstep. His elbows resting on his knees, he looks fed up. Annoyed maybe. She doesn't know how long he'd been waiting. She wonders if she can turn around and walk back down the street before he spots her. He looks up then and she knows it's too late.
She'd ignored his phone call last night. She really doesn't know what to say him. She's actually not even sure why he is here. She'd thought leaving would have made him realise that she really didn't want to talk.
He is watching her walk towards him but she can't read the expression on his face at all. It's unnerving as she usually finds him much easier to read. She's now just a few meters away from him and she can feel a nervous energy itching beneath her skin. She slows down, wonders how long she can take to make the last few steps.
She drags it out as long as possible but all too soon she is standing in front of him. He doesn't move to get up. She eyes him expectantly, waits for him to talk, but he doesn't. She sighs. He looks up from where he is sitting on the step but drops his gaze from hers almost immediately. She moves towards the steps, turns around and sits down next to him.
"I thought you might want to know that Becky is okay. The surgery went well, she's so far recovering as expected." He tells her his voice is uncharacteristically absent any sort of emotion or feeling.
She turns her head towards him and she picks up the same absence in his features. She frowns.
"Thanks, I'm glad she's okay." She replies and she means it. She'd been wondering about her all day.
"Yeah. Anyway I've gotta get home." He tells her as he starts to get up off her steps.
She's confused.
"Do you want to come In?" She asks him, surprising herself.
"Thanks, but no. The kids were expecting me about fifteen minutes ago. I just wanted to let you know about Becky. I tried to call last night to let you know she'd made it through surgery" He tells her.
"Okay. Thanks." She replies, she doesn't bother to make an excuse as to why she never picked up, they both already know why.
"Are you okay?" She asks. She's not sure she wants to hear the answer.
"Yeah. Night."
"Night."
She watches him walk off down the street, get in his car and drive away. She notices he doesn't look back once. He'd barely looked at her at all.
Thursday
Only a day later she finds herself outside his house in her car. She hadn't been able to shake off the guilt ever since his visit yesterday. He hadn't tried to call or text her either. The house is dark so she assumes no one is home yet. She sees his car pull into a space down the street and she gets out of her car so she can meet him outside his house. She'd tried to time her visit to meet him coming back from work.
He spots her and she gives him a brief smile. He doesn't smile back, doesn't look surprised or happy to see her. In fact he looks like he is in a rush. He walks towards her quickly.
"What are you doing here?" He asks her the words rushing out of his mouth.
She watches him take a quick glance at his watch. She assumes he must have somewhere else to be. She doesn't have an answer for him so she borrows one of his lines.
"I just wanted to see if you were okay?"
"Yeah I'm okay. Look I've really gotta go. I'm working the night shift with Petrenko. I just dropped the kids to their grandparents for a week so I'm already running late." He tells her, again the words come tumbling out of his mouth quickly.
"Grandparents?" She mumbles.
"Yeah it was the kids last day at school. The Easter holidays start today."
"Oh." She replies.
He walks past her then, grabs his keys from his pocket and opens the front door. He grabs a bag that had been left just inside the threshold, slings it over his shoulder and re-locks the door. When he turns around he looks almost surprised to see her still standing there.
"Was there something else?" He asks her as he walks back towards her.
"No." She shakes her head.
"Okay. See you." He tells her as he passes her quickly and heads back to his car.
She gets back in her car and sighs. She feels like their friendship is in tatters and she has no idea how to fix it. She knows it's her fault. He had always been completely honest with her. She'd tried to do the same but had failed by keeping things from him by omission rather than by lying. She supposes either way it's ultimately the same thing. He'd been completely understanding but then she'd ran away anyway. She's sure his patience for her must be wearing thin by now. He'd seemed up until this point to have an endless supply of it, but everyone has their limits. She thinks she's found his now.
She just doesn't know how to do this. It's really not that she doesn't want to talk to him. She does. It's just she has no idea how to get the words out. She's afraid if she tells him all the things she wants too he'd run a mile. In fact she's certain he would. She'd been trying to keep him close, by keeping him at a distance. Never really fully letting her guard down but never really pushing him fully away either. It had been sort of a balancing act. Lately though, her guard had been slipping more regularly, her emotions for him had started clouding her usually clear judgement. He'd managed to get a lot closer to her than she'd ever intended. The worse part was that more recently she had wanted him to get a lot closer.
The only thing she finds more terrifying than talking to him is losing him completely. She starts up the car and drives home. She decides to give him the space he clearly wants.
Friday
The next day she decides to take Becky's advice and rings a neuropathic pain physio. She was surprised that they were able to offer her a first appointment the same day, late afternoon. She accepted. The appointment had gone well and she had a second appointment scheduled in four days time. She certainly wasn't going to bet her life on them being able to cure her pain, but she feels slightly hopeful anyway, if they could take the edge off that would be something. She parks her car and gets out. She's surprised to see Fletch once again sitting on her doorstep. It's just after six so she figures he must have been home to sleep after last nights shift before coming here. The simple fact he is here brightens her mood significantly. Maybe he hadn't completely given up on her.
She walks over to him, turns around and sits down on the step next to him. She leaves just a few inches between them.
"How was the night shift?" She's asks him softly.
She turns her head to look at him and she can't help but pick up on a sadness which is laced through all his features.
"Awful." He tells her but doesn't elaborate.
She wants to touch him to give him some comfort but she doesn't. She knows she can't keep crossing the line then dragging herself back across it when it suits her. It's not fair. Instead she offers him a sympathetic smile. He smiles slightly back at her but he is missing the usual boyish glint in his eyes. She wonders if it was her that had caused him to lose it. She feels suddenly angry with herself.
"How was your day?" He asks her suddenly.
"I spoke to a neuropathic pain physio. Had my first appointment today." She tells him softly.
"That's good." He tells her. She searches his face for any sign that he feels pity for her but she finds none and she feels relieved. He seems genuinely pleased that she's doing something for herself.
"How's Becky?" She enquirers.
"Oh, she's definitely on the mend. Friskier than ever." He chuckles slightly and shakes his head.
She smiles but she can't stop the jealousy flowing through her veins.
"Think she'll be ready to go home in just a few days time." He continues.
"Glad to hear it." She's pleased for two reasons, the fact that Becky is okay and recovering and the fact she'll soon be leaving the ward and Fletch behind her.
"I should get going." He tells her as he starts to get up.
"Sure." She replies.
Monday
When he hadn't shown up at any point over the last few days she figured it must be her turn to go to him. She's in quite a bit of pain though, she knows the first few sessions of physio tend to bring on more pain than relief and you have to suffer through it and keep at it in order to finally reap the benefits. Right now though she could certainly do without it.
She gets up anyway, gets in the car and drives to his house. It's raining out so it gives her a good excuse to stay in the car. She can see the lights on so she knows he is home already. She sends him a text.
'I'm outside'
A few minutes later he opens the door, he must have expected to find her on his doorstep so is surprised when she isn't there. He looks around up the street and she flashes her car headlights to tell him where she is.
He disappears back inside for a few minutes then re-emerges with his shoes and coat on. He walks quickly to the car and gets in the front passenger side. He looks slightly more cheerful today and he smiles at her as soon as he is comfortable in the seat.
She turns slightly in her seat so she can look at him.
"How was your day?" She asks him as he wipes raindrops off his face.
"Becky asked me on a date." He tells her.
"Oh." She says, she can't keep the surprise from her voice. She's glad he isn't looking at her though because she is absolutely certain he wouldn't have missed the disappointment on her face. She wants to ask him if he said yes but he starts talking before she has the chance.
"It's practically a monsoon out there." He tells her suddenly turning to face her. Obviously satisfied he'd wiped away as many of the raindrops as he possibly could.
Mixed emotions are hitting her all at once, anger, jealousy, regret and disappointment. She shoves them all back down quickly.
"Lovely weather for ducks though." She answers him and he smiles.
"Did you have another physio session yet?" He asks her.
"Tomorrow." She tells him but it comes out harsher than she'd intended. She can see he is taken aback by her sudden sharp tone. She sighs, shakes her head, looks at him apologetically then continues. "I'm still paying for the last session."
He smiles at her understandingly then. His eyes searching hers for something. Her eyes lock on to his and she can feel the atmosphere in the car shift.
"How are coping without the kids?" She asks him trying to get them back on safer ground. She ignores the rush of desire she feels when his eyes totally focus on her like she's the only person in the world that exists.
"Er…..I don't know what to do with myself." He tells her after a brief pause.
She tilts her head in understanding. She's the same when Emma is with Jonny.
"There's a break in the weather, I should get back inside before the monsoon starts up again." He says suddenly, focusing his gaze away from her finally and looking through the windscreen at the weather outside the car.
"Yeah." She agrees with him.
She sees him reaching for the car door handle.
"What did you say to Becky about the date?" She needs to know. She'd tried to keep her tone casual but even to her own ears it didn't come out quite as expected.
He stops, turns back to face her.
"Nothing yet. Petrenko came in to take her for post op imaging. My shift was over before she came back." He tells her softly. He is watching her closely now almost scrutinizingly.
"Do you want to go out with her?" She asks him unable to stop herself. She looks away. Watches the rain drops roll down the windscreen.
"Do you think I should?" He asks her. Her eyes snap back to his.
She's surprised by the question. She's pretty sure they aren't talking about Becky anymore. She figures he is asking her if he should move on.
Sometimes she just doesn't understand herself at all. She'd ran because she didn't want to have an outright honest conversation with him, yet here she was unable to stay away from him for more than five minutes. She can't seem to stop showing up to see him just to talk, in fact she didn't want to stop. The absurdity of it isn't lost on her. He seems to be having a similar issue though. He was clearly disappointed in her but yet had shown up on her doorstep less than twenty four hours later and hadn't stopped ever since. They just couldn't seem to keep away. She doesn't want him to move on. She just has no idea how to tell him that.
She'd obviously taken to long to answer him as he starts to turn away, grabs the door handle, opens the door and before she's even blinked he is outside of the car.
"Night." He says.
She watches him walk back to his house, he opens the door quickly and closes it behind him.
Tuesday
She's on her way back from physio and she can't help but hope that he'll be sitting on her doorstep when she gets there. She knows he won't be though. She parks the car and can already see her empty steps.
She sighs.
Wednesday
The pain from yesterday's physio is overwhelming. She lays on the living room floor for most of the day. She'd turned the TV on as background noise to distract herself from her own thoughts.
There's still no sign of Fletch.
Thursday
She's at his door. She can't bring herself to ring the doorbell. She'd been standing there for at least a few minutes, her finger had been getting closer to the bell each time she'd tried but she had so far pulled back at the last second every time.
She turns away from the door, takes a few steps away. Stops then turns back to try again. She's annoyed at herself.
This time she rings the bell. Panic is coursing through her and she can feel her hands trembling. She sees the door illuminate at the edges and knows he just turned the hallway lights on. He'll be opening the door any second.
The door opens and he doesn't look surprised to see her.
"No." She tells him.
"No what?" He asks her, confusion is written all over his face.
"No I don't think you should go on a date," She elaborates, she's unable to hold his gaze and she looks past him into the hallway. She hopes he understands what she means.
"Oh." He says softly.
A few moments pass and neither say anything further. The silence is killing her though so she forces her eyes back to his face. As soon as her eyes land on his he speaks.
"Why?"
She's staring at him now. She's unable to force the words from her lips.
He waits.
"Because…" She starts. "I just don't know how to do this." She waves her hand back and forward between them. "This terrifies me." She takes a breath. She knows she sounds angry and she is but not at him. She's angry at herself.
He moves towards her. She moves back. It's a reflex.
"It's okay." He tells her softly. He takes another step towards her, he is on the doorstep with her now. She doesn't move this time. She closes her eyes trying to block out all the feelings that are overwhelming her. She'd been fighting them so long they were running a mutiny through her now that they had been given the chance to surface.
His hand touches the side of her face and her breath catches at the sensation. She doesn't open her eyes.
"Come in?" He asks her.
She nods but doesn't move.
He strokes the side of her face and moves closer to her. Tips her face up slightly and moves his lips to hers. He kisses her softly. When he pulls back she finally opens her eyes.
"Fletch…." She whispers.
"Shhh." He tells her just as quietly. "I know."
She had been about to tell him she was sorry.
He kisses her again just as softly. His hand moves from her face down her arm to grasp her hand. He starts pulling her slowly inside the house.
She's just inside the door standing in his hallway when it dawns her that he'd kissed her twice and she'd barely responded. He is still holding her hand. She watches him close the door, then she pulls on his hand to turn him around to face her.
She drops her eyes to his mouth and moves towards him. She lifts her hand to the side of his face and touches his stubble softly. She can feel her hand trembling and she can't remember anyone else ever having this affect on her. She presses her body in to his and her mouth is inching closer. She can hear her breathing start to get heavier and she hasn't even kissed him yet. Her other hand grips the front of his shirt and she forcible pulls him the remaining inch towards her. She practically sees stars behind her eyelids as her mouth touches his. She gives in to the feelings coursing through her finally having found a conduit through which to release some of it. He is gripping her waist and kissing her back with equal passion.
Friday
She wakes up in his bed. It's early but she knows he'll have to get up soon to go to work.
She moves closer to him and watches him. She feels completely relaxed for the first time in as long as she can remember. The house is completely quiet and a soft winter sun is gleaming through the edges of the curtains casting mild yellow light into the room.
She strokes his chest and he stirs a bit. She knows he is on the edge of waking up. She moves her lips to his and kisses him. He stirs a bit more but he isn't quite a awake yet. She keeps kissing him softly until his eyes open and he kisses her back.
She pulls back a bit to just stare into his eyes. She smiles when his hand moves to her cheek to stroke it.
"I like you like this." He tells her in a whisper.
She laughs a bit but drops her head to his chest slightly embarrassed. He lifts her head with the hand still on her cheek and pulls her back to kiss her again.
The alarm clocks goes off and he hits it with his other hand to snooze it.
"I've gotta go to work." He tells her. Kisses her again.
"I know." She wants to ask him if she'll see him later but doesn't.
"I can drop by your doorstep later?" He asks her. As if he'd read her mind.
She smiles, nods at him and moves in for another kiss.