"Chloe you have to be calm"

"Chloe don't panic"

"Chloe breathe"

"Chloe it's okay"

"Chloe deep breaths"

Chloe wondered which one of those she'd heard the most from her mother Ange, she'd definitely heard it more than 'I love you' especially since the age of 15 when her anxiety first got bad. Her mum said she'd always been a nervous child, the one who cried as her mother dropped her off at school. The one who always thought she was in the wrong, the one who never performed in school plays and barely spoke in class other than answering the register.

She put her hand to top of her thighs as she luxuriated in the bubble bath, she felt the ridges of her self inflicted scars she thought back to the first time she had cut herself.

"Mum, why don't I have a dad?" had been a constant question in Chloe's life from the first time they had to draw their families at school in primary 1. So Chloe drew herself a short, skinny 6 year old with blonde hair in bunches and her mummy Ange, and gran and grandpa and gran's dog Bracken. "What about your dad?" Miss Mahon her teacher had asked. "I don't have a dad." Chloe has answered simply. "You don't have a dad why not? Did he die?" Jacob one of the boys in her class had asked her. So she asked her mum once she got home and her answer had remained the same until Chloe was 15 "it doesn't matter, I love you more than a mummy and daddy put together, we don't need smelly boys in our family."

One day when she was 12 her mother took her out for her birthday and told Chloe that her father was completely insignificant. But Chloe was curious and continued to ask. One day when she was 15 Chloe asked again on the rare occasion her mum was home for and had made her dinner. Ange was clearing up as Chloe was finishing her cottage pie, her mother was not a good cook but the one delicious thing she did make was a cottage pie. "Chloe, go and have a shower and put your pyjamas on, and then if you like I can tell you about your father. You're old enough to know the truth." Chloe was excited and had the quickest shower of her life. She came downstairs and her mum was sat on the sofa so Chloe grabbed a cosy blanket off the back of it and wrapped herself up. "Chloe, you know I love you more than anything, and what I'm about to tell you, it makes no difference to how much I love you." Her mum looked unsure and nervous. Her mother was never unsure or nervous, she was a surgeon and didn't panic ever. If Chloe behaved badly her mother never shouted just told Chloe how disappointed she was. "I know." Chloe smiled "you love me more than a mum and dad combined."

"So I was walking home one day, it was dark and cold, late November. Anyway I was walking home alone and I was attacked." Ange's eyes were filled with tears. "Chloe, I was raped." Chloe froze and looked at her mother, her whole world had been broken apart by that word rape. Chloe couldn't breathe. She ran up the stairs. Her mother shouted after her "Chloe wait!" Chloe just wanted to be alone she ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Her mother had been raped, she'd never wanted Chloe, she was unwanted. Chloe was still struggling to breathe, she was an unwanted failure. All the thoughts were flying around her head, what her mother had just said as well as her PSHCE lessons at school. "Raped" "rape is one of the worst thing that can happen to a girl." "Many people who have been raped choose to have an abortion or have the baby adopted."

"Unwanted." Chloe just wanted the thoughts to stop she couldn't even tell what she was feeling but she was sure she didn't like it. She panicked and picked up a razor and pushed it hard into her skin and pulled. The sweet relief of her blood running down her thigh stoped the thoughts in her head. Her brain was focused on the physical pain rather than the mental pain, and that was far easier to deal with.

Chloe wished she'd never done it that first time. It was like an addiction, it became her coping mechanism. And here she was 10 years later and still struggling.

"Chloe, I've ordered us pizza!" Her mother banged on the bathroom door.

"Ok I'll just be a minute mum" Chloe said heaving herself out of the bath. She was spending the night at her mums as they felt they hadn't seen each other properly in a long time. Despite the fact they worked in the same hospital.

As Chloe got out of the bath she heard her phone buzz. She checked it and had received a text from her boyfriend Evan. Chloe, I don't want to panic you but Lucky is off her food. Lucky was a black and white cat, she technically didn't belong to Evan and Chloe but she came over most days and to Chloe it was as if she owned her. Chloe changed quickly and found her mother in the living room with a glass of wine. "Mum I'm so sorry, I've got to go home. The cats not well."

She referred to Evan's flat as home despite the fact that her address was technically a house share with an art student, a girl doing a Church internship and a newly qualified teacher, she wasn't planning to stay there long. It's was the only affordable place she could find when she came to holby in a rush. She never saw Riley the female art student and Hattie kept trying to force her to come to church. Emma the teacher was ok though. Although Chloe hadn't been there in weeks. When she was asked where she lived by her old friend Fiona she had given Evans address.

"Chloe, can't you wait until you've at least had something to eat. I can't eat a large pizza, garlic bread and chicken dippers myself."

"Mum, you know how much I love that cat, a Evan seems really worried about her! I haven't had anything to drink yet so I'm fine to drive and there's stuff in the fridge at home."

Chloe had always loved animals. She always begged her mum for a dog throughout her childhood, but her mum always explained that it was impossible with her job, they had compromised with a goldfish named Ariel after the little mermaid of course, and some horse riding lessons.

When Chloe got to Evan's flat she was anxious. "Is she okay?" She asked Evan as she rushed in. "Hey Chloe calm down." He said "she's had some milk and is sleeping on your blanket now. I think I called for you over nothing, sorry, you always seem to know how she's feeling."

"Hey gorgeous fluff ball, are you ok?" Chloe asked stroking the cat who purred contentedly.

"Was daddy panicking over nothing?" She said to the sleeping cat.

"I'm glad she's ok, have you eaten?" Evan asked her, she shook her head. "I made some chicken salad earlier, I'm sure they'll be enough for two." Chloe smiled at him. She really wasn't a fan of salad but recently Evan had been making really healthy meals he told her it would reenergise her since she was working so hard under Jac Naylor and with her research. Chloe was yet to see any results of the health kick but she's was sure they'd come soon. Evan split the large salad into two bowls and they sat on the breakfast bar stools eating. "I'm glad you're back, and that Lucky is okay." Evan smiled at her. "Being at your mums really seems to make you more anxious."

"Does it?" Chloe asked "I hadn't noticed."

"Well you know how it is." Evan told her "when your anxiety is bad you get stuck in your own head and don't always notice." Chloe speared a tomato on her fork and popped it into her mouth. It was true Evan always seemed to be a lot more in tune with her feelings than she was. He was good for her, stopped her bottling up her feelings. She really couldn't see why her mother didn't approve of their relationship!