Okay, so… it just took me 3 days wanting so badly to write this, but being entirely too busy to do so and 3 nights of staying up way too long to actually write this, now I'm exhausted. Letting Alex forget about Karas true identity was really cruel, but really good for fanfiction stuff, so I'm not complaining about that. Have fun!
1. Getting Vibes
I can only stare at her with my mouth open, unable to speak. Her words sink in heavy and blurring. What did she say? Did she just…
Her words keep repeating in my head. Would you like to go out sometime? Would you like to go out sometime? Would you like to… sometime… go out… Would… Was she serious? She was, I think… because she looks like a lost puppy. She always looks like a lost puppy when it comes to ONE thing: Asking someone out on a date.
"Like..." I whisper, realizing my voice is gone, I cough a bit and it only makes it worse. "Like… are you asking me out on a date?" Just to be sure. I mean its ridiculous, because I KNOW Alex. I know her better than anyone else on this planet. We're literally ONE head. That's why all of THIS is so ODD. She can't be serious and it's terrifying, because I know she IS serious.
"You know what? Nevermind. Forget I said anything, this is SO unprofessional. Forget it, please!" she says, blushing so hard it's almost adorable, but it's the look in her eyes that shoots a sudden pain into my chest.
"Alex..."
"Seriously, forget it. I'm just going to leave and…. You know… forget… all of this." Her gestures are wild and so "Alex-like", I just want to hug her, comfort her, say anything to make her feel better, but I remember the situation we're in. I'm Supergirl. I'm not Kara. I can't talk to her like I usually would, I can't comfort her, tell her the truth so we could laugh about it until our stomachs hurt.
She's gone a second later and I'm left with an aching heart, staring at the spot where she stood only seconds ago.
2. Supergirl, the Goddess, or just: Kara, the Desperate
I did something REALLY stupid! she wrote. I'm still staring at the display, the words are almost flying around, that's how little sense they make. She's been serious.
Spill it. I answer.
I wonder what she's going to say. Between everything that has been going on lately, it's kind of ridiculous that I'm getting so much headache over this. I've spend the past hour overthinking this and I'm seriously asking myself why it's so weird. I know I'm having a certain effect on peop-
My phone buzzes, immediately showing her answer.
Tell you in a minute. Need wine for this.
Rao, that sounds so much like heartache-Alex. This is ridiculous. Who would've ever thought it would be me causing her that kind of pain?
I can't sit still on this couch, where we've spend so many sister-nights on, hugging, sharing popcorn and ice cream. God, just thinking about it, we've had so many dates already, it's insane! We're sisters! Foster sisters, but she's always been just… a sister. Just Alex. My Alex. How should I tell her that I can't…? That Supergirl can't? And why? Why shouldn't Supergirl…
I don't make sense to myself anymore.
Wine. Where's the wine? I bought some yesterday, red wine, because I know Alex loves it. One of the thousand things I know she loves…
I find myself still standing in front of the couch. It's like my body stopped working for a few minutes out of utter shock. There are only a few facts: Alex asked Supergirl out, Supergirl can't do that, because Supergirl is secretly Kara Danvers, me, her foster sister. So, find a way to let her down easy. End of the story. Should be simple, but nothing about this is simple in any way.
The doorbell rings. She has a key. She knows I'm home, but she rings the doorbell. She's just as confused as I am, I guess. With superspeed I'm at the door, hesitating only a bit before I open it.
"Alex." I say, but my voice cracks again. Why is this so weird?
She breathes in deeply, closes her eyes and lifts her hands. I wait, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she kind of falls against me and into my arms. A flowery scent that is all Alex floods my system.
"I'm the biggest idiot on planet earth…" she mumbles into my neck, her released breath hitting my bare skin. Why am I getting goosebumps?
"I get it, you did something stupid. Now why don't you tell me whats wrong?"
I don't want to shove her away, cause that would be cruel and totally not me, but at the same time all of this feels so weird. I'm glad though when she withdraws, walking over to my couch with hanging shoulders. Just now I realize that she's been getting better, after her break up with Maggie. I haven't seen her like this I a while.
"I asked Supergirl out."
There it is. Now play the fool Kara. My head is spinning as I think about a suitable answer. On a normal day with normal circumstances and ANY other problem, I would just take a seat next to her on the couch and lay an arm around her shoulders like the good sister I am. So, even, if this is everything but normal, I do exactly that, sitting down next to her flowery scent and laying an arm around her hanging shoulders.
"What…. Uh… what did she say?"
"I don't know..." she whines, eventually hiding her face in the palms of her hands. " I ran away. Jesus Christ, I don't even know why I just did that! She's just too beautiful, how can anyone be that beautiful, I mean LOOK at her! Those… perfect golden locks and her arms… like… I just lost it and it's so unprofessional, I work with her! I should be better than this, but look at me, I'm just a sad, horny mess pining over the worlds most beautiful and most unapproachable alien."
It is so hard to understand her, because all words are muffled by her hands, but I still get the message and it makes my chest flutter in a really odd way. So Alex is conflicted, a lot. Alex is also very very very attracted to me. What a goddamn chaos!
"I didn't know you had the hots for Supergirl. Why didn't you tell me?"
Alex shifts a little before her hands sink to her knees. She looks at me with that particular desperate look in her eyes that I know so well.
"I don't know… seriously… I…" she says with a strained look on her face. I can tell she's trying to remember and that's probably where her manipulated memories cause so much confusion. Maybe she always thought I was attractive and never told me out of shame and maybe she can be open about it now that Supergirl and Kara Danvers aren't the same person to her? Possible. Scary… but possible.
"So… how bad is it? I mean is it just a crush or something I should really worry about?"
"Honestly? I don't know. I see her every now and then and when our ways part, each time I'm wondering what she does when she's not Supergirl. Who she is, what she likes, what she worries about, whether she has a job or friends and if they know that she's Supergirl… I wonder if she's lonely… if she has anyone to talk to about our missions, because I can tell this work can make someone lonely. She came to my apartment a couple of times… mainly telling me news to our cases, but sometimes… I mean she looks at me like… Call me crazy, but most of the time I think she wants to kiss me… or hug me… or whatever, it feels like she wants to be close to me. At first, it was just a notion, then an occasional flutter in my chest and now it feels like my whole body is floating, like everything is so intense… you know what I mean. I felt it with Maggie, too…."
Through this whole monologue, Alex hasn't stopped to take a breath it seems. She sits there next to me, completely motionless, looking out of the window with glowing eyes. I feel sick. She thinks I wanted to kiss her, but in reality, all I wanted over the past couple of weeks was to tell her the truth. To be Kara Danvers to her, always and everywhere. To hug her whenever I needed my sister. She thinks I want to kiss her. How could she misread me that much?
"I… wow… that sounds like… a serious crush. Like serious feelings..." I answer, fully aware of the weird tone in my voice. It's my lying voice and she knows. I just can't hide anything from her and it's been so frustrating.
"Do you know anything? Did she say anything to you? Kara, you have to tell me!"
"No..." is all I can say. I wish one of our phones would ring, giving me the opportunity to flee this situation and to think of a way to cope with this. Alex likes me. My Alex is romantically attracted to me! All of this is just so hard to believe.
"What am I going to do?" she mumbles, eventually leaning into me. Her head lands on my shoulder, her nose and lips so close to the skin of my neck. Instinctively I pull her closer, because I always want her to feel safe with me. It is different though. To know that if she likes the looks of Supergirl, she likes the looks of me. When all of what she just said was true, she would feel her chest flutter at this contact. I try to ignore that my own chest starts to flutter, that my breath is caught in my throat, that my skin is prickling wildly. I'm just confused. That's all.
"I don't know."
3. To let her down easy
Every second of this mission has been awkward. She looks at me like this again, as if she wants to tell me something, as if she's about to jump into my arms at any second and I just can't cope with it. It doesn't help that she just looks like a goddess, that her hair is flawlessly flowing in the wind alongside her cape. That it looks like wavy liquid gold. That her shy smile shows the flawless beauty of her lips. All of this just makes it worse.
"Director Danvers!" she shouts, loud enough for every agent around us to hear as I tried to leave the just finished meeting. Yeah, I can't ignore that. I turn around, finding her standing there in her perfect flawless pose with her perfect muscled thighs and arms and stomach and that ridiculously tight costume.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Uh… sure… yep." I stutter. She walks over to me, grabs my hand and pulls me into one of the lab rooms. Great. We're alone. She's holding my hand. My heart is beating so fast she can easily hear every beat and it gives away how absolutely nervous I am. I'm sure she sees the sweat on my forehead, sees the blush on my cheeks. God, this is so embarrassing.
"Listen, I know that I have been really unprofessional and I know that you-"
"Will you stop for a second and listen to me, please?" she interrupts me out of the sudden with a surprisingly shy voice. She's still holding my wrist.
"I really like you. I do. You're… we're not just colleagues. I trust you more than I could ever explain and I deeply… deeply care about you. I would love to spend more time with you, but you have to understand that everyone who gets close to me is in danger and I can't risk you being any more in danger than you already are. Regardless of how I feel about you, I can't go out on a date with you. I hope you understand that..."
Her fingers are still around my wrist as I try to let her words sink in. Everything about this is so paradoxic. The look in her eyes is telling me that she wants me and I swear she's been moving closer to me with every word.
"I understand… and accept your decision."
4. Blurred lines
All I can see is the hurt look on her face and it crushes my heart. I just wanted to take her in my arms, to hold her as tightly as possible, to tell her that I love her with all of my heart and I suddenly realize that I've wanted to do that a lot ever since we manipulated her memories. She's been right, I have been sending off certain vibes when I was Supergirl.
I have always searched as much physical contact to her as I could get, because it made me feel save and warm and home. Because Alex is my home. She's my favorite person and I'm hers. That's why it's so hard to suddenly be confronted with something trivial as romantic feelings. We're better than that. What Alex and I have is a soul bond, a true and honest, boundless love. Of course, I'm not able to hide this when I'm Supergirl and a part of Alex feels it, too and wrongly confuses it with romantic feelings. But we don't need to kiss… to be skin on skin, lips on lips and breasts to-
"So, I'm officially friendzoned. Cheers to that!"
Alex' voice rings in my ears as I turn around and immediately feel her hugging me. Only now, all of the bar's background noises come back to me as I'm slowly adjusting to this situation. It probably wasn't a good idea to meet her at the bar, but canceling would've been too suspicious. After all, I'm just Kara Danvers, caring about her big sister's heartbreak.
She hugs me a little longer than usual and quickly kisses me on the cheek before pulling away. It's natural, that's us. Occasional kisses on the cheek, on the forehead, on the hair, on the neck, but that was only once, when Alex had been drunk that one night. Well… thinking of that, do sisters kiss each other on the neck? And why didn't I find it odd back then? Why do I find it odd now?
Alex orders herself a drink as I already have one. I decided to take the special stuff for aliens. Just for once… having a night off.
"What did she say?" I ask. Alex smiles sadly and shakes her head.
"She doesn't want to get closer to me because that would endanger me. Easy translation: I like you, but not like that. Friendzoned."
"Uh… uhm… okay, but it does sound reasonable… I mean everyone close to her is a target for her enemies. I really think she does care about you a lot."
"You're probably right. Maybe I'm just… hurt. I don't know what I was hoping for. A part of me just wished for her to pull me close and into a kiss back there at the lab today. The look in her eyes… For a moment there I really thought she'd kiss me any second, even though her words said otherwise…."
I have gone from occasional sipping to drowning my drink during her last words. It's almost unbearable not to be able to tell her the truth. I'm so confused, because I can't stop remembering her kissing me on the neck so many years ago, remembering that I always enjoyed her being as close as possible and now she's not close enough and I don't know why it's not enough. I don't know what I want anymore.
"Alex..." I whisper, even though I don't want to, because I don't know what to say.
She looks at me, waiting for me to continue, but my head is wiped off all words. For a second there, it's only her and me, her eyes that are glassy and beautiful and pleading in a way. I'm so confused.
"I… uhm..."
"Kara… are you okay?" She puts her hand on my shoulder, scoots closer and suddenly all I can focus on is her flowery scent and her pleading eyes.
"I don't know… I don't feel very well… sorry… shouldn't have ordered this." I say, lifting my empty glass before gliding off the stool and grabbing my handbag.
"I'll bring you home. You shouldn't be alone now."
"No, really, I think I need to be alone now… I'm so sorry Alex, I know you need me now I-"
"It's okay Kara. Rest. Get better. Your wellbeing is more important to me than anything else in the world. Don't ever doubt that."
5. The Bond
The night is calm. I keep the door to my balcony open and cherish every single summer breeze that finds its way through it and into my living room. It's hard to think straight now, after a quick drink at the bar and a whole bottle of red wine. I'm still worried about Kara though. She's never acted like that and I try to figure out what caused her to leave out of the sudden all by herself. Over the past two days, she's been acting oddly around me and I'm sure she knows something about Supergirl that she's hiding from me.
A sudden strong breeze makes me shiver a bit and I turn around, just to be sure, but as I move I already know it's her.
"This is all kinds of wrong, but I needed to see you now." Supergirl says while looking as flawless as ever. She walks towards me with a look of pure determination in her eyes. I quickly get up from the couch, maybe a bit too quick though, as I feel the wine kicking in. Less than a second later though, I find myself being held up by strong hands.
"You're drunk…" she whispers with a voice that is as melodic as it can be. She takes me further into her arms and it feels like we've done this before. Like I belong in her arms. It feels like home.
"Why are you here?" I manage to say. Instinctively, I just want to lean further into her arms, lay my head on her shoulder and hide my face in the crook of her neck, but I can resist doing so. For now.
"I… need to know something..." she whispers. For a moment, I feel her hesitating with a look in her eyes that feels oddly familiar. Then, she closes the gap between us and pulls me into a kiss. It hits me so suddenly, her scent is oddly familiar, she feels oddly familiar and at the same time it's so new and intoxicating. Instinctively, I run my hands through her hair and even that feels like I've done this a billion times before. Her kisses are soft and loving, showing me a passion and dedication that I've only ever got from one person: Kara.
I pull away, thunderstruck. One or two steps away from her, I see confusion and hurt in her eyes.
"Why do you smell like Kara?" I whisper into the silence between us. My heart is pounding so fast, I'm having trouble breathing.
"Alex… I…"
My head feels so strange and I'm not entirely sure the alcohol is the reason for this.
"You… your… hair… the way you hold me…"
"Please… Alex… I'm so sorry..."
She tries to walk towards me, but I can't have her near me now, because it's just too confusing, because there is something tugging at the back of my head that I just can't make sense of.
"It's all my fault… I shouldn't have done this… I was supposed to keep my distance… Alex… look at me, please…"
"It can't be…" I whisper, but I already know the truth. It has so be her. Nobody else makes me feel this way.
"Oh Rao Alex, I'm so sorry…" her voice is desperate and she keeps walking towards me with that worried look in her eyes. It has to be her. I know that look, I know her eyes.
She keeps talking, but I'm having trouble understanding a single word. Everything gets so blurry and then there's her and strong arms before everything goes dark.
6. Relief
"How is she?" I ask J'onn, but he's just shaking his head.
"Still unstable. Kara, what happened?"
"I didn't tell her! She… I think she just knew… before she passed out she said I smelled like Kara, rambled something about my hair and the way I hold her. J'onn, it's all my fault, I should've stayed away from her!" I cry out, eventually hiding my face in the palms of my hands. My heart aches so much, I can't even feel confused anymore, I'm just devastated.
"The two of you share a unique bond. It's possible to change one explicit thing in someone's memory, but a bond as strong as yours leaves marks everywhere. I think it was just a matter of time. For now, we can just wait and hope for the best."
I stay with her all night, watching the monitor that shows an unusual high brain activity. J'onn said her memory is recovering, putting back together the bonds that has been broken. It's better for her to process while being unconscious, he said. I wish I could help her, do anything else than sitting next to her bed and holding her hand.
Her face looks calm and as beautiful as ever. It changed so much over the years, but sometimes I still see her teenage-self on it. Whenever she's excited, for example. I love seeing her excited, love the glowing in her eyes when she tells me about some nerdy stuff that I'd never understand, even in a thousand years. I love the way she gets excited over a nice bottle of red wine and some really cruel horror movie at sister night. I love the way she leans into me on my couch, the way her warmth floods me everytime she does that.
Maybe I'm the one who's being in love. Who's been in love for over fifteen years now. Maybe I really was giving her those vibes. Maybe I really liked that kiss.
"Alex… I'm so confused..." I whisper into the silence of the room, laying my head down on her stomach. "You need to wake up…"
Feeling her breathing, hearing her blood pumping through her body is insanely comforting. I close my eyes and focus entirely on all signs of her being alive…
"Kara… hey…"
Her voice reaches me from far away. I want to chase it, to find her, hold her… kiss her…
"Kara wake up. I remember everything!"
Shock floods me when I feel somebody jiggling my shoulder and suddenly I'm wide awake with my face hovering over Alex's stomach.
"Hey..." she says, her voice soft and caring. I made the mistake of looking into her eyes that show so much love and adoration that I find it absolutely impossible to not wanting to kiss her again right now.
"Hey…." I answer instead with a whisper. This could be awkward, should be awkward, but all I feel is relief and a fluttering sensation in my chest. "I'm glad to have you back..."
"I'm sorry I made you go through this… I can only imagine how hard it must've been for you to hide yourself from me."
She reaches for my face and cups my cheek with one hand, the other strokes my hair lightly and I find myself leaning a little closer to her.
"I missed you so much..." I whisper and only then I realize that my hand has been lying shorty under the swell of her breast.
"I missed you too… so much…"
For a moment, we're only there together, the world shrunken down to our very existence. She fumbles with the hem of my cape, lets her palm wander tightly over my arm, tracing the lines of my muscles before stroking through my hair again, all while I can only close my eyes, because it's becoming unbearable to look at her without being breathless. My hand is still lying there just inches away from the curves of her breasts and I don't dare to move a finger, because it would be so easy and so fatal at once.
"You kissed me..." she whispers. "How weird is this?"
I can hear her chuckle and I automatically chuckle with her, because yeah, how, weird is this?
"You asked me out on a date and gushed over my flawless beauty, that's even weirder Alex."
We laugh a little together and it makes everything so much easier.
"You have no idea how awkward that was… I've never thought about you this way… And when you said those things… lying in my arms-"
"I've never thought about YOU this way, trust me! I don't know where that came from, I just knew there was something between Supergirl and me, something special, something out of the ordinary."
"What we have IS out of the ordinary Alex! This bond between us is so special, I fail to describe it by saying we're sisters, but we are so much more than just sisters. Think about it. The only thing that's keeping us from not being in a romantic relationship is the fact that we're not kissing and… well… you know… having sex. It's what you sensed, you sensed that we're that close to each other."
"What made you kiss me, Kara?"
Her voice is weak as she speaks, but it easily cuts through the moment like a knife. I've been asking myself the same question over and over again and it's still so hard to accept the answer.
"I needed to know… what it would feel like… if it is what I want… what you want..." She looks at me with confusion in her eyes and I am so afraid that it wasn't what she wanted, that I overreacted, misread the situation. "I feel like I crossed a line and I'm afraid that there is no going back to how we were before…"
"So is this what you want? To go back to the way we used to be around each other?"
"I don't wanna lose you Alex. I don't want things between us to be awkward and difficult. I wanna find my comfort in you, my home. I want to hug you whenever I can, to be close to you and honest about everything thats going on in my life. I wanna share a life with you Alex, just as we did before."
"Just without… the kissing. And… you know… having..."
"Rao Alex, I can't even think about having… this is so awkward." I answer, eventually pulling my fingers away from her stomach and hiding my face in my hands.
"I understand." she says and I can hear the sheets rustling as she tries to get up. Her heart is beating really fast, it's scary.
"Alex…" I reach out for her hand, as soon as she's on her feet, and pull her closer to me carefully, in case she doesn't want to be near me, but she doesn't protest and lets herself fall against me.
"I did enjoy the kiss… very much… and it scares the hell out of me..." I whisper into her hair as she's busy pressing her face into the crook of my neck. I feel her breath on my skin, right before her lips press a chaste kiss to my neck.
"I placed a kiss there before… years ago while I was drunk..."
"I remember…"
"It didn't mean anything back then..."
"No… but it means something now… because I feel like I'm about to explode if you don't do that again real soon..." I whisper back.
One blink of an eye later, she withdraws a bit, just to look into my eyes again. I can tell she's a bit breathless as realization hits her face. It's out. I want her. I have no idea how and when it started, but it feels like I've been wanting her since forever.
"I'd rather try that kissing on the lips-part again… to see… just… to be sure." she whispers as she leans her forehead to mine, effectively mixing our breaths.
"What are we doing Alex?" I whisper back. The feel of her being this close to me is overwhelming and I can't believe this is really happening. Her hands are on my hips, hesitatingly stroking over the cloth of my suit.
"We're being absolutely honest with each other… as always… I want to explore this… you..."
That last word comes out as only a breathy whimper as she leans into me and finally crashes our lips together. It's different from our first kiss, it's much more passionate, much more sensitive. She's clinging onto me wildly, her hands wandering around from my back to my shoulders. She's warm and she smells so good, way better than I ever noticed before.
From the distance I hear footsteps approaching and I quickly pull away from her, right in time, because a second later J'onn comes in.
I shoot a look back to Alex, who watches me with blushed cheeks and red, swollen lips that show clear signs of my red lipstick, smeared around the delicate lines of her lips.
It's too late, J'onn will know it the moment he sees her.
"Alex, thank god you're up!"
"Uh… yeah… that was a wild trip..." she says with that adorable insecure laugh of hers that shows exactly that something is really odd right now.
"Okay… so… uhm… Alex remembers everything… she's fine. Really fine… as you can probably tell by the smeared lipstick on our lips, we've been kissing. I hope that's not too weird to you..."
"Uhhhh..." J'onn's face is entirely too funny to look at right now and Alex must think the same thing, because she's chuckling at first before bursting out into a relieved laughter, instantly making me join her.
"You're happy..." J'onn says with that particular smile he uses when he's just really amused. "That's all that counts."