Hey gang, I know some were hoping that I'd have updated this story first, but I had been working it pretty hard in what precious little free time i have when my laptop died and I lost everything. Unfortunately I also made the biggest rookie mistake and didn't have any back ups, so I decided to update the story that has left the least bad taste in my mouth. I've also been working on a new story since I got my new laptop. i hope you enjoy this chapter.
Chapter 24
There are wounds that never show on the body,
that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
It took Rose and Esme an hour to calm me down, in between sobs apologizing to both of them for having made them as worried as I had. Ultimately it had required Jaspers help to fully calm me down, something that he hadn't been able to maintain for too long, due to the severity of my emotions. Esme went to make some new food, the food she had brought up was long cold already and she wouldn't let me eat it cold. Carlisle knocked on the door and came in. He grabbed a chair and sat down next to the bed.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Still a little out there." I answered still calm from Roses touch.
"Bella you understand we need to start having sessions again? Whether you want to or not. Technically you're still a minor and we are your parental authority. If you don't want to have them with me then we will find you another therapist that can help you, but if you want to give me a chance I'd like to try a experimental treatment, that's being tried on veterans suffering from severe PTSD." Carlisle said
"I just want the pain to stop." I sighed.
"Doing drugs and worrying everybody isn't the best way my love. I was skeptical about what Carlisle is proposing but after reading the research last night I think you should try. It's not gonna make your pain go away overnight but it will help you deal with it in a healthier, more constructive way to give it a place. Please Bella, give it a try." Rose pleaded with me.
I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh. "Ok, for you I'll give it a try." I said as I turned to Rose.
"Thank you, after lunch. OK?" she said and gave me a kiss.
"Well let me know when and where doc." I said to Carlisle, who was still sitting beside the bed.
"My office, after you had lunch, I believe Esme is on her way up again." Carlisle said with a gentle smile.
As soon as Carlisle had left Esme came in setting the tray on my lap. Eggs, toast and bacon. A lot of it to be honest, she kissed me on the head before she left the room, looking back with a encouraging smile on her face. Rose fed me strips of bacon as she laid next to me purring. It was comforting to have her this close to me, the pain was coming back though, not sure what Carlisle was planning to do about that, last I heard anti depressants took weeks to build up effective levels in a normal human's body. And I doubt snorting Vicodin would be allowed to become a regular habit. After my breakfast for a late lunch, I got up. I was wearing silk PJ's, no doubt Rose's work. Grabbing my cigarettes I moved to the balcony, seeing Rose look at me worriedly.
"I'm not stalling, just gonna have a smoke then a shower and I'll go down. Will you join me on the balcony, please? It's better when you are close to me." I pleaded with Rose.
She flashed out of bed and was by my side instantly, once on the balcony I sat down in my preferred chair, and Rose settled on my lap, while I lit my cigarette.
"Would you have stopped if we hadn't found you?" she asked.
"I don't know, when that hotel kicked me out I wasn't ready to come home yet. When I got thrown out of that opium joint I was still in a haze. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit it felt good being pain free, nightmare free. But I think I would have found my way back eventually, you were all I dreamt of, and in most of my hallucinations. Sometimes it was like you were there with me." I said sadly.
"Who else made an appearance?" Rose inquired carefully.
"Taha Aki, though I'm not entirely sure if he was a hallucination or not. Not like I haven't heard his voice before without drugs. He shared his disappointment in how I had lost my way, wanted me to get back on my feet and find a way to heal. He kicked my ass over and over again. But he also reminded me I was a survivor, that I'm a fighter and told me to focus my energy on fighting against the pain instead of succumbing to it. The ones you starred in were more pleasant." I admitted.
When I finished my cigarette, I quickly made my way to the bathroom, taking a shower to wash the smells and dirt off of me. While sighing I got dressed in sweatpants and a shirt, it was going to be horrible enough already having therapy, might as well be comfy I guessed. Knowing I couldn't stall much longer I got out of my walk-in closet. Rose was waiting for me and held my hand as we walked downstairs towards Carlisle's office door where Esme was waiting for us. She pulled me into a hug. After which I was passed to Rose who hugged me too.
"I'm proud that you're willing to try sweetheart." Esme said when Rose let me go.
"Can you do something for me Mom? Think of it as returning the favor for me stepping through these doors." I asked.
"What is it sweetheart?" Esme asked
"Take Rose hunting while I'm in here, post Emmett outside the door if she insists somebody needs to prevent me escaping." I said while looking in Roses dark gold eyes making her frown.
"I'm staying right here." Rose said insistently.
"Starving yourself isn't going to make me better, please go with Mom, I won't run away any time soon." I pleaded.
"Fine.. EMMETT!" Rose yelled causing the hulk to appear instantly.
"No smashing Emmett, just stand outside the door till Mom and Rose get back." I said to him.
I sighed as I entered Carlisle's office, closing the outer and inner doors, part of his office's sound proofing. I sat down in the spot I used to always sit in, back when my rage was still projected outwards. There were several bottles of water on the end table next to that comfy chair. Carlisle went to sit down on the opposite chair.
"You gave us quite the scare." Carlisle started.
"I didn't mean to." I said as I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them.
Carlisle came over and handed me a cup with ten yellow pills in it.
"They are part of the therapy I want to try. Please I provided plenty of water to wash them down with." He said while getting back to his chair.
I hesitated, having just come off a bender.
"You were eager enough the past days." Carlisle insisted.
"Shouldn't you be judgement free as a shrink? And the stuff I took made the pain go away." I shot back.
"These and the therapy will help you give everything a place, allowing you to lay off things like snorting Vicodin or smoking opium. Though I have to say I was surprised the latter still exists, I thought that died out." Carlisle said while I popped the pills and washed them down with a bottle of water. "You have PTSD from the things that happened to you, confronting them will help you in the long run. Do you know what the cruelest thing is about PTSD?" Carlisle asked.
"No, but I got a feeling that you're going to tell me." I answered.
"It robs us of the ability to see the light, but that doesn't mean the light isn't there Bella. Do you remember how it felt when the world had light? Before bad things started happening to you?" Carlisle asked.
"Not really, I kinda remember when I spent summers here, Charlie was always happy when I was here and there weren't any worries, All that time spent with Jake annoying his older sisters, the 'adventures' we went on. It's there if I really focus on it, I guess." I replied.
"This form of therapy will help you step out of the darkness and see the light again, I can only guide you. But I'll be alongside you every step of the way. By teaching you and helping you confront and remember what happened to you instead of you reliving them." Carlisle said
He spent the next 20 minutes making small talk, asking me if I was having cravings for opium or Vicodin. I explained I merely wanted the pain to go away. As time passed the pills started working, I felt euphoric, relaxed, a lot more willing to talk and more confident in being able to open up. I recognized these things.
"Did you just give me molly?" I asked Carlisle.
"Yes and they must be working since you recognize the effects." Carlisle responded.
"I prefer stuff that numbs me. Come on you couldn't have crushed up a Vicodin or five and mix it with a glass of scotch?" I asked followed by a giggle.
"This works better for the therapy and we're not really here to discuss the past few days, we should talk about what led up to it. You seemed to be doing ok?" Carlisle asked.
"I had a lot of distractions, with the battle over that went out the window. Then the idea of testifying, it brought everything back to the forefront of my mind. Hit me like it did that time I shifted here."
"You spent several weeks in a catatonic state back then, that's how you processed it the first time didn't you?"
"I guess, but Sarah and Charlie needed me."
"And that gave you purpose and responsibility, the latter growing more and more as time went by, until the danger passed and you fell into an emotional abyss. Are you afraid to truly relax, let your guard down fully?" Carlisle asked
"Yes. So what dr Cullen?" I shot back causing Carlisle to frown.
"Why are you afraid to truly let your guard down?"
"I don't want to be seen differently, as a victim that endured horrible things. I miss the old me. Sure I was a angry bitch that scared off everybody but I wasn't in pain. I shouldn't even be here." I admitted.
"Where should you be?"
"In some cemetery, six feet under." I admitted causing Carlisle to look concerned.
"You want to die?" he asked softly.
"Not really, but I should have died a long time ago, well it's long if you've only been around as long as I have. Everybody deserves better than me. Rose deserves better for sure. Hell even Taha Aki's spirit deserved a better one to merge with." I said freely.
"You don't see how you have affected everybody's lives for the better?"
"I haven't, I only leave a wake of pain and destruction behind me."
"Rosalie has changed significantly since you came into her life, you have brought change to our lives for the better, Esme will never admit it but you're her favorite, everybody sees it but nobody minds. You have brought a joy in this house that was missing before. You protected your tribe, you saved people, you gave so much to so many people and asked nothing in return." Carlisle said causing me to shed a tear despite the influence the MDMA was already having on me.
"Edward is gone because of me." I replied trying to prove my point.
"He has himself to thank for that, if anything I failed him as his creator and father figure. And Edward is alive because of you, your mother and I will be eternally grateful to you for having the courage to go see the volturi and for being compassionate when others wouldn't have. Though there are the conditions you went to see them under, where you hoping to die?" he asked.
"No I just wanted Rose to be safe, you guys and everybody else too. Them coming here would have potentially been catastrophic. They don't seem like the type that send people to talk things out." I replied.
When the MDMA started working fully, Carlisle directed the session towards my childhood trauma. I didn't want to talk about it, tried to hold it in but the molly made it impossible. Closing my eyes I could see it all happened, though I wasn't crushed by it. For the first time I talked freely about it, going into detail, not even being able to stop whenever Carlisle had a brief horrified look on his face. I was given ten more pills halfway through, to keep the effect going. The horrible things I was describing in detail kept pouring out, without me feeling worse because of telling it to somebody. It strangely wasn't what I had been fearing, I wasn't reliving the memories. Instead I was remembering the things that happened, I felt free to talk about it instead of wanting to curl up into a ball. After a few hours later Carlisle decided today's session was over.
"Since your system burns everything off much more quickly you'll be coming off of it by dinner time, you should go to bed early, I'll bring you some sleeping pills so you sleep through the worst of it, the dose was pretty high I'm afraid." Carlisle said seriously. "Bella, if you need anything just let us know, ok." he said compassionately.
I nodded and walked out his office to find Rose waiting for me. Immediately pulling her into my arms and kissing her.
"Rosie, you wanna dance? I wanna dance! Let's dance."
"Bella, you-"
"I'm good, let's dance, come on Rosie. I like love you so much and you're so pretty." I said while pulling her to the living room.
Everybody was looking at me strangely, Jasper looking somewhat confused from sensing my drug altered emotions. Esme looked concerned, but quickly looked relieved when she was joined by Carlisle who told her not to worry.
"Mom, Dad, Jazz, Ali. Let's dance, i'll bet you Rose and I are the best dancers, we'll take turns with Emmett." I said as I moved towards the sound system.
"Well I won't say no to a challenge like that." Carlisle said supportively.
Quickly the living room was cleared of furniture and I started with a salsa song. After which it transitioned to ballroom dancing and finished with Jazz dancing. Under the influence I enjoyed every moment of it and couldn't stop laughing every time Emmett twirled me around with a huge grin on his face. After an hour of various dancing styles, Carlisle told me it was past time for me to hydrate and eat. I could feel I was starting to come off the molly and followed mom to the kitchen while Carlisle oversaw the living room being put back together. I got a Large bottle of Gatorade out of the fridge and chugged it.
"Sweetheart what do you want to eat?" Esme asked.
I ran up to her and jumped into her arms resulting in her holding me bridal style.
"Whatever isn't too much of a bother Mom." I said and gave her a kiss on the cheek before jumping out of her arms again.
Rose was worried about me, that much was easily obvious, so for her sake I did my best to chill out on the couch with her on my lap while Esme cooked, the molly was increasingly wearing off, my happy mood decreasing along with it. After dinner it became clear I was going to crash so Rose and I strategically retreated to my room, where after a cigarette on the balcony we were soon joined by Carlisle. He held out a cup with pills and a glass of water.
"They will help you sleep and prevent you from feeling too bad in the morning. You made good progress today, I hope you'll feel in less pain tomorrow." He said while handing me the pills and water.
With Rose's encouragement I took the pills without too much protest after which Carlisle left us. I got into bed with for once Rose holding me as I started crying.
"You'll be okay my love, I'll – we will all help you through this. You're not alone. None of it was your fault." Rose said while holding me.
I cried my heart out until the pills kicked in fully, falling asleep eventually when the pills started working. My night was pretty rough, I briefly woke up 2 times due to nightmares, having Rose close helped, she calmed me down and made me feel safe. I woke up to a growling sound in the morning.
"Morning my love, how are you feeling, aside from hungry?" Rose asked sweetly referring to my loudly rumbling stomach.
"A little weird. I need coffee." I said tiredly.
"How is the pain?"
"Bad but not as bad. Thank you for not giving up on me." I confessed.
"I'll never going to give up on you. It's not magically going to get better, you know. But if you don't give up on having therapy and channel some of your incredible bravery into making sure those vile evil humans are punished, it will get better and the day will come you'll be pain free and have put it behind you." Rose said.
"I don't deserve you." I sighed.
"You do, I look forward to the day you realize that. I love you."
"I love you too." I replied and gave her a kiss.
We could both hear Esme shouting subsonically, the one thing that could get somewhat through the fairly soundproof rooms, that breakfast was ready. We decided to quickly go downstairs. We went straight for the kitchen holding hands. Our siblings eying me carefully, unsure how I'd be now that the happy pills weren't affecting me anymore. I was still a mess to say the least. Even Alice wasn't her usual hyper self. Once in the kitchen I sat down at the counter in my usual spot.
"We're eating in the dining room like a family sweetheart." Esme said as she came into the kitchen.
"You guys don't have to eat for me." I said.
"It's been too long since we ate a meal like a family, so it's not up for discussion." Esme said as she picked up the last tray and walked back to the dining room.
I shrugged and followed her, my stomach rumbling ever louder. There was a gigantic brunch buffet in the dining room. At the family's insistence I went first since I was the one that genuinely needed the food. I ended up with a plate loaded with eggs benedict, breakfast burrito, hash, banana pancakes and was already eying the cinnamon rolls that were on the table itself along with the coffee. Everything was delicious, I went back for second, then thirds, then fourths. Washing it all down with coffee. My family was happy with just a single serving, choosing to mainly enjoy the act of eating and watching me eat that much with awe.
"I have some eating to make up and it's delicious." I said innocently when I realized everybody was staring causing Esme to smile.
"Clearly we don't have to worry about you not having an appetite." Carlisle said jokingly.
"Or anyone moaning about human food tasting like dirt." Emmett said earning him a glare from Alice causing him to quickly mutter an apology.
"It's alright Emmett." Esme said to Emmett to comfort the big oaf.
It was obvious Emmett had been referring to Edward. When we were finishing brunch, the doorbell rang. Carlisle got up quickly to go see who it was. As soon as he opened the door I heard Jake's voice, the worry in his voice was obvious. Since I was finished I got up. Signalling Rose it was all right, I walked to the front door. As soon as Jake saw me he was relieved. I grabbed a cigarette and a lighter and headed out with Jake to smoke my cigarette, Rose shadowing us from a distance.
"Rose if you're that worried why don't you just join us instead." I said at a normal sound level, knowing she'd hear me.
She was immediately by my side as Jake and I kept walking further from the house, with a guilty look on her face. I comforted her by holding one of her hands as we walked.
"How are you Bella, we've all been worried." Jake started.
"I didn't mean to worry anyone, it just became too much you know. I'm holding on with some help."
"Everybody wanted to come, they all send their best wishes."
"Jake I appreciate you coming but I need some time, I'm making you acting Alpha, until I get better. Move Sam up to third in command." I said.
"Come on Bells." Jake pleads.
"It's not up for discussion Jake, I need time, I love you guys and I'll be back, so don't worry. I may even visit you guys on the rez, I just need some time off for a while to focus on getting better." I countered.
While I had my cigarette Jake got me up to speed about most things, things were fairly quiet and uneventful anyway now that the threat had passed, him and Sarah were doing well. Jake noticed that I wasn't fully there, he had no idea how truly apart I had become. The pieces were only just starting to be put together again. Before Jake left he mentioned that Charlie was beating himself up which made me feel bad. Rose noticed it and immediately suggested inviting Charlie over for a short visit, to which I agreed. After Jake left Rose and I went to sit on one of the benches scattered around the area around the house.
"How much drugs did you actually take? You were pretty knocked out when we found you." Rose asked as she leaned against me.
"I don't know really, it was a lot at the very least. Like I went through a lot of opium in that place and I certainly wasn't sober when they threw me out. Are you really not angry at me?" I asked.
"Not at all, I was worried. But I was so relieved when we found you that I didn't get the chance to get angry. Why did you run away to begin with?" Rose asked.
"I panicked I guess everybody was always bringing up the court case. It's like I relive everything that happened every time, not just remember it. I realize now that I shouldn't miss the old very angry me. The anger held everything back but it was poisoning my soul I guess." I replied.
"You have a good and beautiful soul, you're the last one here that should be worried about that." Rose replied.
"So do you, you're a good person too Rose. No matter what you did to protect yourself, or that time you got even." I said not wanting Rose to get down.
"It's why I think it would do you good to get even too with them. From what I hear they will be very unpopular in prison. It's better than ending their miserable lives. It would have never been possible for me to get the men that raped me sent to prison, aside from the fact I had become a vampire. The times were different, they were too powerful and nobody would have believed me over them." Rose said with a mixture of sadness and anger in her voice.
"It's ok Rose, you did the right thing. I just wonder if I'll be able to." I said with a sigh.
Rose turned her body so she faced me and cupped my face to force me to make eye contact with her.
"You don't have to do it alone. We'll be with you every step of the way." Rose said.
"Thank you." I said with a small smile.
We kept cuddling on the bench for some time till Rose reminded me that it was time for the next session, something about striking the iron while it's hot. So we quickly found ourselves at the outer door of Carlisle's office, as I opened it Rose was about to step away.
"If it's ok with Carlisle I'd like you to be there, Just be there as my mate, not as somebody who has a degree in psychology." I said to Rose after I grabbed her hand.
Rose replied with a nod and a small smile. Confidence boosted we entered the office closing the doors behind us. Carlisle didn't see any problem in Rose being present to support me. I was quickly given a dose of molly, though I noticed there were a few pills less than yesterday.
"I underestimated the effect they'd have on you a little yesterday." Carlisle said when he noticed me eyeing the pills.
Rolling my eyes, I popped the pills. Much like yesterday Carlisle started with more minor stuff waiting for the pills to kick in. once they worked sufficiently I closed my eyes again, I remembered painful memory after painful memory, telling about it in vivid detail, comforted by Rose whenever it was getting difficult for me. I remembered the first time Taha Aki had intervened, he had made the entire house violently shake, as if it was just about to be hit by a tornado that had been enough to make the guy stop. Things progressed well until I hit a roadblock with a particular memory. I became very restless, started panicking when I opened my eyes and was immediately being held by Rose.
"Shhh, shh, it's ok Bella, we're here with you, you are safe." Rose said while rubbing circles on my back.
"Would you like to continue Bella, breakthroughs often happen when we overcome difficult roadblocks?" Carlisle asked once I calmed down.
After a reassurance from Rose that she was going to stay right there with me, I agreed to continue. Carlisle handed me a few more pills, once they worked I closed my eyes once more, grounded by Rose holding my hand and thought back of the last memory per Carlisle's instructions.
"He's taking me to my bedroom. I'm resisting, screaming." I said to describe the memory. "He hits me in the ribs, making me gasp for air." I continued, feeling Rose squeeze my hand.
"We're in my bedroom, he pulls my pants down, I'm still too busy trying to breathe to resist much." I continued describing what happened after I got punched. "He tears off my panties, I – I – I" I started panicking again.
"Bella this is your memory, you are in control, you're here with us and you are safe. What do you see besides him? Describe your room" Carlisle said while Rose kept me relatively calm.
I started describing my room, how I hated the light pink walls, the desk I like to hide under which made me feel a little safer. I describe the entire room from left to right until I get to the door, the door was open. What I remembered then immediately brought me out of the trance Carlisle and the XTC had brought me in, jumping off the couch with both Rose and Carlisle looking worried.
"She knew! She really knew! She stood in the doorway with her hand down her pants!" I screamed out before collapsing back onto the couch.
Rose held me firmly while I cried my heart out, it would have been too firmly had I been human. Carlisle didn't interfere, knowing there's nobody better than one's mate to calm a vampire, well half vampire down. By the time I had calmed down enough, I was coming off the XTC.
"I know it's been a difficult session for you, we won't continue anymore today, but I'd like you to hear me out for a minute." Carlisle said compassionately.
"Why couldn't I remember all of this before?" I asked.
"I know it seems counter intuitive, at least until you realize how the human brain works. The brain wants to make sense of things, when things that happened to you that you cannot comprehend the brain will often turn it into a story that makes sense to you or sometimes it can't make any sense out of it and the brain chooses to repress it all." Carlisle started explaining.
"Add on top of that that you partially turned into a vampire, something we have to take into account. For our kind the human memories fade away over time, I assume this is why you have difficulty remembering your life from before you changed." Carlisle continued while carefully approaching while checking if it was ok for him to get close.
He sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch, holding out his hands letting me choose if I'd let him touch me. I placed my hands in his.
"We can't undo what happened to you, you've been through so much that right now you seem to know only how fragile life can be, you blink and it's gone or something horrific happens to you. Processing what happened is a difficult process, it all coming back like it has for you and no longer having an overwhelming distraction with people counting on you, is especially brutal. So your mind ends up telling you that the world is evil, because that means your fear is right. But life is also beautiful, the laughter of a friend, healthy family bonds, having a soulmate, the goodness that is in you, you standing up to be a hero when you feel you need to. There's so much light Bella, so much good in life, you can choose to stand up and move towards it, we're here for you. What happened to you is not your fault." Carlisle said while holding my hands to make me focus on him instead of tucking my face into Rose to avoid eye contact.
I nodded to indicate I understood and he let go of my hands and suggested I'd get some rest. Rose and I left Carlisle's office, in the hallway I turned to her.
"What do you want to do, darling?" I asked.
"No I'll do what you want to do, or just be around if I cant help with it."
Sensing her stubbornness and deep care prevented her from wanting to do something for herself I quickly thought of the best counter.
"Then I want to watch you work on the Impala, so better get changed into a more appropriate outfit." I said placing her checkmate.
"Bella, Carlisle said you should rest." Rose tried arguing.
"I will rest while you work." I replied and gave her a kiss.
Rose didn't argue any further, deep down she wanted to work on the impala and cars were her biggest passion after all. I waited in the living room while she went upstairs to change. While waiting Esme approached holding a bag.
"I made you some of your favorite sandwiches for lunch and tossed in a few electrolyte drinks. How are you sweetheart?" she asked while handing me the bag.
I hugged her after taking the bag.
"Trying to hold together. Thank you." I said as I hugged her. "Mom can you call Charlie, invite him over for dinner, Jake said he's having kittens?" I asked as I let go of her.
"Sure sweetheart, anything in particular you want for dinner?" Esme asked.
"Would it be too much to ask for a tray of your delicious lasagna?"
"Not at all" Esme replied just as Rose came downstairs in her coveralls.
Rose and I quickly said goodbye and made our way over to her workshop, once inside I noticed that somebody must have picked up the Audi R8 since it was back in it's place. Since Rose was eying me carefully and was hesitant to get to work, I quickly settled on the couch with the TV on for background noise.
"If you come across a part you need a replacement for just holler and I'll start a list darling." I said before digging into the mozzarella ham sandwich.
As time passed Rose had started to increasingly notice I was becoming broody. She eventually laid down her tools and came to sit next to me having washed her hands.
"Your dad will be here soon, so why don't you tell me what's going on in that pretty head of yours? I know broody when I see it Bella." Rose asked somewhat firmly.
"Rose, I want them to go to prison." I hesitantly started.
"So you're thinking about testifying?"
"Yes. But that's not all… Rose I want them to spend as long as possible in prison and then I want them to die." I finished.
work hast started on the next chapter, I don't know when it'll be out. This has been a difficult chapter to write in fairness