Reminder: on the phone with Elliot.

Chapter 58

Christian

"Yeah. Of course. What's up?"

I run a hand roughly through my hair. "Ana and I had an argument."

"Is that unusual?"

"It is now. This was our first big fight."

"Yeah. Living together will do that," he says ruefully. "What happened?"

I don't really want to divulge the details of our personal life to him. Elliot isn't renowned for his discretion. Keep it vague. "Basically, we seem to disagree on some details of our future. It caught me off guard and I made some comment about wanting to know this before we moved back in together, and she just… she looked so fucking hurt, and then she said 'pause' and left."

"Pause?"

"It's something we agreed on in therapy. If we're having a fight that's getting out of hand, either one of us is allowed to say 'pause' and we have to stop talking about it. She paused right after I said… the dumbass thing."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

I sigh in frustration. "I guess? Except now I can't talk to her. She asked for space. And I just feel trapped. I can't even explain myself."

"I mean, would it really help to force an explanation on her when she's not ready to hear it?

I'm surprised by this comment. "Jesus. When the hell did you become so reasonable?"

He laughs. "You're not the only one in couples therapy, man. So, Ana needs space. Talk to me. Or call your shrink or something," he adds quickly.

"I called you because my shrink didn't answer," I admit.

"Ah. Well, one way or another, you finally need my sage advice." He's silent for a moment, and I can almost see him stroking his chin in thought. And probably his own ego, too. "Well then, what would you say to Ana right now if you could?"

I start to pace again. "I want to understand why we don't see eye to eye on this issue. I want to know why she kept secrets. And… I said something I didn't mean and that I shouldn't have said, but I really don't understand how this didn't come up before and why she's so adamant about it. It feels like she made a decision about our future that I had no say in and that fucking hurts. Is it that she doesn't trust me? Have I still not done enough?"

"Uh… huh. So, she didn't say why she feels like that?"

"Not really. She just said 'I can't' and… I don't know, it just feels shitty that she didn't explain, but also that I didn't ask any questions or try to hear her out, I just reacted."

"When do you see your shrink next? It's hard to dispense sage advice when I don't really know what the hell we're talking about."

"Tomorrow."

"So, you should probably talk to him about it and get your thoughts together, and then you and Ana can talk when you're both chill enough to unpause. Or like, with your couples therapist or whatever."

"Yeah," I mutter. "Why can't I stop fucking my own happiness up? I never want to hurt Ana, but I do. Am I that big of a piece of shit?"

I don't really expect an answer, more venting my own frustration than looking for guidance, but he surprises me. "Uh… you used to be. But now you're, like, a medium-sized piece of shit." I actually laugh. What an eloquent compliment. "Look, dude, I think it's normal to hurt the people we love the most. Kate and I can be dicks to each other, but at the end of the day, that's my person. And for you specifically, I think you kinda don't know how to happy. You're always expecting everyone to leave you, so you end up pushing us away. But we're always gonna come right back, because even though you can be a piece of shit, you're our piece of shit. So, get used to it."

I think that's the most heartfelt thing Elliot has ever said to me, while keeping it crude enough that I don't feel uncomfortable. "Thanks, Lelliot."

He clears his throat loudly on the other end, signaling the return of his allergy to emotion. "So, how about them Mariners?"

I feel a tap on my face. "Daddy."

I slowly resurface from unconsciousness, my nose full of Ana's scent. Did she come back to bed? I open my eyes to find that I'm hugging her pillow and I've migrated to her side of the bed. The alarm clock shows just after 6:00 AM.

"Daddy. I had a dream," he whimpers. Oh, no. I instantly sit up, and he's looking around. "Where's Mommy?"

Now I'm really awake. "I don't know, buddy. Uh, have you not seen her?" She didn't leave, did she? No, our fight wasn't a breakup fight, was it?

I wrack my brain for last night's events. We fought. She went downstairs. After talking to Elliot for a while, I decided to get into bed to wait for her to come back. I must have fallen asleep while I did that, and given that I'm on her side, it doesn't appear that she ever returned.

Fuck.

"No. Is she hiding?"

I grab my phone off the nightstand and nearly expire from relief when I see the text she sent. She just fell asleep. She doesn't sound like she hates me. But why didn't she wake me up to say goodbye? Not the time. "Uh, Mommy had to leave early this morning. What's wrong? Daddy's here."

He climbs into bed and curls up next to me. It's about the hour I would get up, but it looks like a morning cuddle is on the agenda now. "I had a dream that you were gone again. You're not gonna go away again, are you?"

My lungs completely arrest mid-breath. He's having nightmares? Because of me? "No, Teddy bear. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Okay?"

"You promise?" he mumbles into my shoulder.

"I promise."

He pulls back and looks at me seriously, holding out his pinky. "Pinky promise?"

I wrap my pinky around his and hold up my other hand like I'm being sworn in. "Yes, pinky promise, a thousand times over. And if you ever have another bad dream, you should always come see me or Mommy."

"Okay," he sighs. He lays back down and scooches over, right up against me.

I hug him and kiss the top of his head. "I love you so much. Do you know that? Honestly?"

"Yeah… I know, Daddy. I think sometimes I forgot when you weren't here, though," he says quietly.

I take a breath as a deep ache settles in my chest. "Well, I'll just have to remind you every day, then."

"Every day?"

"Yep, every day. Sometimes I'll have to go away for work, just like Mommy does, but I always think about you and no matter how far away I am, I can always call and talk to you and remind you then."

"Does Fifi know, too?"

"I hope so. I'll have to remind her, too."

"Does Mommy know?"

I gulp. Does Mommy know? Does she still? "I hope so. But I try to tell her as often as I can, too."

"She must know. She wanted us all to live together, too," he reasons. His stomach growls loudly. "Oh. I'm ready for breakfast now, Daddy."

I sit up and ruffle his hair. "Okay. Go and find Gail and tell her to make you whatever you want, Daddy's orders, okay?"

"Okay!" he agrees excitedly, practically skipping out into the hallway.

I rub my eyes and turn my gaze back to my phone, still sitting on the nightstand. Teddy's words replay in my head. Does Mommy know? He has no idea the significance of that question, on this morning especially…

I pick up the phone and text her back. If she doesn't know, I need her to know.

I love you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Don't give up on me yet.

I set the phone back down and get up, heading straight for Phoebe's room. She's sitting up in bed looking around, freshly awake if her droopy eyes are any evidence, and she smiles adorably when she sees me. I pick her up and give her a big hug and a smothering of kisses, to the chorus of her laughs and squeals. "I love you, my little princess. I'll make sure you never forget it."

It's nearly 10:00 AM, I'm in a goddamn interminable meeting, and Ana hasn't responded to my text. Thank Christ that Ros decided to sit in on this, because I have no fucking idea what's happening. I'm too busy trying not to outwardly panic over my possibly re-imploding marriage.

The first thing I did when I got in was call Flynn so he could squeeze me in today. Perhaps swayed by the guilt of not answering my call last night, he agreed to fit me in. The second thing I did was call Hughes. He also agreed to come to Escala tomorrow evening instead of later in the week. I am not messing around. I fuck up, but at least now I do damage control.

My grim thoughts are interrupted when the door opens, and Andrea pokes her head in. "Mr. Grey. You have a phone call."

I get up and give whatever asshole was last speaking a stony stare. "Continue." Andrea closes the door behind us and leads me down the hall. "Who called?" It must be something real for her to interrupt a meeting.

"Mrs. Grey, sir."

And my heart takes off, feeling like it may sprint away from my chest entirely. Is this good or bad? Is she okay? Is she leaving me? Andrea hands me the phone and then makes herself scarce. Oh, God. Did she tell Andrea she's leaving me? "Ana?"

"I'm not giving up on you," she immediately answers. Her tone is steady, almost… exasperated.

It takes a minute for what she said to actually sink in, then mercifully, I feel my anxiety start to wane. "You're not?"

"Absolutely not. We didn't come this far just to come this far. I only paused so things didn't get out of hand. This conversation isn't over."

I audibly, mentally, spiritually, existentially sigh in relief. "I called Eric to see if he could move our appointment up to tomorrow and he can." Let's fix this right now.

I swear I hear an answering sigh of relief on her end. She wants to talk about it? Hallelujah! There's hope! "That's perfect. Thank you. I love you. Don't give up on me either."

What a ridiculous notion. "Never, Ana."

"I have to go in a minute, I have therapy. Will you be home tonight?" I hear the smile in her voice, and it puts one on my face.

"Definitely."

"Okay. By the way, you really didn't have to leave a meeting to talk to me."

"Fuck that meeting." You were the perfect escape. "I love you, baby."

She giggles. Oh, that sound. "I love you, too. Oh, I gotta go now. See you tonight."

"I can't wait." She hangs up, and I feel a hundred pounds lighter.

Instead of going back to the meeting, I decide to focus on another, more personally fulfilling project. I dial my collaborator. "Hello, my favorite… middle sibling!"

I chuckle. "Hi, Mia."

"To what do I owe this call during business hours?"

"Do you remember what we were talking about last week? I have an update on the plan."

"What kind of update?"

Ros opens my office door and walks in, pinning me with an unamused gaze. I ignore her and continue talking to Mia. "I have an appointment with Cartier, and I'd like you to come."

"To Cartier?!"

"Well, they're coming here."

"When?"

"Friday." Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ros smirk.

"I will so be there."

"Perfect. I'll send you the details. Hope to see you soon."

"Love you!"

I smile and shake my head at her exuberance. "Love you, too." I hang up and turn my gaze to Ros. "Don't you fucking know how to knock?"

"Don't you fucking know how to pay attention in a meeting at your own company?" she counters. "Had Cartier on your mind, did you? You already got the girl, boss. The personal merger is over."

I shrug. "The grass grows where you water it and all that."

"I didn't think you were one for outdoor chores."

"I am as long as I don't have to mine the diamond myself."

She laughs. "Okay, now the world is making sense again. So, here's what you missed while you were planning your sappy surprise…"

"Good afternoon, Christian." I walk into Flynn's office without a response and plant myself on the couch. "Well, what's on your mind?"

"Ana doesn't want more kids."

He pauses. "Okay. How did this come up?"

"We started having sex again and after a few days, it suddenly hit me that we haven't used protection. I assumed she wasn't using birth control since she hadn't mentioned it and obviously, we hadn't been intimate in a while."

"So, is there a possible pregnancy on the horizon?"

"No. She has an IUD."

"Ah. Well… not jumping right into an unplanned pregnancy could be a good thing."

"Sure. Except then I asked if she would get the IUD removed when we're ready to have another baby, and she looked at me like I was speaking Swedish and said she doesn't want to have more kids."

"I feel like this isn't where the conversation ended."

Astute observation, doc. "I… my mind just went blank with panic. I said that… I mean, I know I yelled at her for making that decision without me, I said I was finally excited about having another and I would have asked immediately if I wasn't trying to take things slow for her, I was upset that she didn't tell me about the IUD until right then, and… I said that I deserved to know all the facts before I moved back in."

He raises his eyebrows. "Are you saying that you wouldn't have wanted to get back with Ana if you had known that she wasn't keen on having more children?"

"That's not how I feel, but… I'm fucking terrified that's what it sounded like."

"What happened after that?"

"Ana paused the fight and left. She didn't come back to bed and sent me a text this morning that she fell asleep downstairs and was leaving the house early. She was gone by the time I woke up and saw it."

"What did you do when I didn't answer the phone? My apologies, by the way. Even psychiatrists need to sleep."

"I called Elliot."

"Oh, that's wonderful. Was that helpful?"

"He calmed me down enough that I could go to bed and not barge in on Ana downstairs." A borderline miracle.

"Have you spoken to Ana any more?"

"I texted her this morning and said I'm sorry and I love her and asked her not to give up on me, and she called me and said… she loves me too, she's not giving up, and we'll talk about it later." I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. She's not leaving.

"Well, then… it sounds like you're on the same page that this issue needs more attention. Tell me, if you say that you would have wanted to reconcile with Ana no matter what, why did you say something that sounded very much like the opposite of that?"

"Isn't that why you're here? I don't fucking know. It just came out."

"That's quite a thing to say, what, not even a week after finally moving back in with your estranged wife?"

Does rubbing salt in the wound pass as therapy these days? Jesus. "I'm fully fucking aware that I'm a piece of shit."

He shakes his head. "No. You're not. But you do have a history of struggling with your self-worth, and your self-sabotaging behaviors come out in spades when that flares up. Obviously, this wasn't to the degree that it's been in the past, but do you really not see the connection? You do want to be with Ana?"

"Of course." What a stupid question.

"And do you feel like you deserve to be with her?" I sit there and stare at him, unable to answer. "I thought as much. You still can't reconcile the fact that she loves you, warts and all. And not just Ana, of course. Your family, too. And you can't wrap your head around that."

"Are you saying that I'm trying to push Ana away?"

"Subconsciously, in an effort to deal with the grievances you hold against yourself, yes, I am posing that theory. Have you forgiven yourself?" I'm silent again, looking away and glaring at one of his goddamn potted plants. "Okay, so we're not there yet. I'll stop torturing you. Tell me why you want more children."

"Because I love them. Because… it would be nice to have a fresh start with one I haven't already failed."

"Failed?"

I get up, itching to pace. "Teddy had a nightmare last night that I left him again. He was so shaken this morning. He's having nightmares. Because of me."

"How did you handle this?"

"I told him I'm not going anywhere, pinky promised that I wouldn't… I said I'd remind him that I love him every day. He said he knows that, but he forgot sometimes when I wasn't there. Then he asked if Mommy knows that I love her, too."

Flynn smiles and shakes his head. "Children always ask the most profound questions, without even grasping it. But let's go back to what you said before. You want to have a child that you haven't failed?"

"A fresh start would be nice. But that's not the only reason."

"Of course not. Love is a good enough reason. But you plan on being a perfect father from now on?"

"You don't think I can?"

"I think no one can. Do you see your parents as having failed you? They certainly probably do."

"What? No. My parents love me, even though it makes no sense. I gave them hell."

"My point is that every parent feels on some level that they're not doing enough or not doing it right. You will continue to make mistakes. What matters is how you handle them. Like, comforting your son after a nightmare. Reassuring him that you are there. That's what's real. Perfection is a fantasy."

"But Ana does everything right. Even when she was alone. She always knows what to do."

He eyes me speculatively for a moment. "Christian, did Ana explain why she doesn't want more children?"

"No. Not really. She just said she can't."

"And do you think you could ponder on this?"

"She doesn't trust me to be there for her and for them."

"Building trust may be an ongoing issue. But that's not where my mind is going." I look at him, unsure where the fuck he's going with this. "You mentioned that one of the motivating factors that made you feel like you were failing as a husband was Ana's private struggle with what was likely postpartum depression. And Ana tends to have problems with internalization, similarly to you."

I stop pacing, my knees locking. Jesus Christ. Her deflection. The way she shut down. Her fear. "She might not want another baby because she's afraid it will happen again."

"We don't know for sure unless she says so, but it is a very common reaction after a traumatic experience in pregnancy or postpartum. This might be something to keep in mind as you discuss it further. The point is, you are far from the only person who likely struggles with not feeling like a good parent. Given her history of retreating into herself to deal with her problems, I'm absolutely certain that Ana does, too."

"Does postpartum depression happen every time if you've had it once?"

"No. The recurrence rates aren't known exactly, because too many women don't report, but there's estimated to be about a 30-70% chance that it will happen again."

"As low as thirty or as high as seventy," I mutter, resuming my pacing. "I would be there for her this time. I… I want another one because the ones we have brighten my life more than I ever thought possible, but I also want the opportunity to show her that. She never should have gone through that alone, but if it does happen again, she has me. I'd know to look for signs that she isn't okay again."

"I'm sure you would, Christian. But at the end of the day, she's the only one who can decide whether or not she wants to carry another child. We have to respect her decision with her body. And Ana has her own therapist, we're not here to try to solve her problems. Can you handle the fact that even if you discuss all of this at length and get everything out in the open, she still might not want another child?"

I stare out the window, contemplating this. "She's already given me more than I ever thought was in store for me. Love, a family. I want more, but… I don't need more. What we have is more than enough. I just… I want to understand. It blindsided me to hear that she'd already decided against it, with no explanation. Our communication has improved with leaps and bounds, but it… it was sobering to think that there was more I didn't know about."

"Have you discussed more children before this?"

"No… not since Phoebe, that I can recall."

"So, this was your first venture into that territory. It's possible that it just wasn't on her mind, and it blindsided her as much as you. She did expect a divorce for a while there. It sounds to me like you both reacted poorly, but you both recognize that this discussion isn't over. My main concern is, what can we do to keep you from putting your foot in your mouth and saying things that you'll later agonize over?"

"I'm starting to think I should have paused…"

"That is an option. Any other thoughts?"

"I could have asked more questions. I still don't know exactly why."

"And Ana also could have been more forthcoming, but obviously we can only control your reactions."

I sigh and return to the couch. "I just wish this was resolved. I hate fighting with her."

"Well… maybe in some ways, it's already resolving. You've done a lot of introspective work today. Married couples will always fight, no matter what, but I think you're starting to equip yourself with tools that will lead to quicker resolutions and more self-awareness in the moment."

"Do you think I can do this?"

"Do what?"

"Keep her. Make her happy. Be enough."

"It's not up to you to single-handedly preserve your marriage, Christian. You're partners. It's up to her as much as it is to you. Despite your rose-colored glasses, Ana is not perfect, and if you're concerned that your relationship doesn't have longevity, you should share that with her. Partnerships don't work very well unless both parties are honest. I think you've both learned that the hard way." I shrug, allowing this. "But I wholeheartedly believe that you're on the right track."

I'm laying awake, spooning Ana, who I believe is starting to doze off. This is the first night since we rekindled things between us that we haven't made love. Instead, after deciding to stay paused, we played board games. She trampled me at Scrabble, but I seized the day with Monopoly. It felt… calm. Normal. And it's continuing a part of us that I don't want to lose ever again. Dating.

I think back over the day, amazed at how much calmer I feel since waking up, when an unpleasant memory resurfaces. Teddy. Discomfort creeps back in. He was so vulnerable, so worried. What if this happens again?

And something Flynn said earlier comes back to me. Partnerships don't work very well unless both parties are honest.

We're partners. We're both his parents. "Ana," I whisper.

"Hmm?" she hums sleepily.

"Teddy had a nightmare this morning."

This rouses her. She turns in my arms and looks at me. "About what? Is he okay?"

I swallow uncomfortably. "About me leaving."

Her eyes widen with alarm, then soften a moment later. "What did you say?"

"That I wouldn't. I pinky promised."

She strokes my hair a few times. "He'll see every day that you won't, and eventually, he won't even think about it anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't here, but I'm sure you handled it. You know him better than almost anyone. He's yours." She kisses my nose, and I think my cheeks actually pink.

"Sometimes it feels the other way around," I murmur.

"That you're his?" I nod. "I know the feeling exactly." She snuggles closer to me. "I'm glad you told me."

"Well… we should be honest. That's how it works. Right?"

She lifts her head and meets my gaze, smiling. "Right." She leans up and kisses me softly. "I love you. Let's sleep. We have a big day tomorrow."

Yes, we do.

A/N: I was going to include their couples therapy session in this chapter, but Christian's session just kept getting longer so I thought I'd give him his moment. I think this was an important one for him. They'll talk about it together next time.

So, what are your thoughts now that we've heard both Ana and Christian's side?