Hello Lovelies,
I hope you're all well and that you have a great weekend.
As always, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sh*t is about to get real, as they say...
Much Love,
Chelsea x
The perils of being an overthinker means that once a single seed of doubt has been placed in your head, you are unable to let it go. Even if you have placed the doubt there yourself - when previously there was absolutely nothing to concern you - it will continue to grow and overwhelm you.
It is one of the cruellest forms of self-sabotage.
After my lunch with Kate, I returned to the office to quietly spend the remainder of the afternoon working on my latest project. That was the plan, anyway. And as everybody knows, plans often go awry.
I was unable to concentrate, instead finding myself sitting there and staring blankly into space.
What ifs swirled through my thoughts.
I knew I was overthinking. I knew it. I was convincing myself there was something there when I knew there wasn't.
There can't be.
It's not possible.
But what if it is?
I tapped my pen against the desk and felt an unwelcome feeling swirl twist at my stomach. Glancing at my computer screen, I scanned the article I had found more than an hour ago and had already read a dozen times.
Periods and the contraceptive pill
The article says it's common for a woman to have mild spotting or no bleeding at all whilst on the pill. For some people, their periods will get heavier, lighter, or stop altogether. It varied from body to body and can depend on the pill taken.
However, these changes typically take place in the first few months. While your body adjusts to the new hormones. Not after almost ten months on the same pill…
The most important thing, the article reminded me, is that the pill is taken every day at the same time. I already knew this, and I am confident I haven't missed a single pill. The latest I've taken it is within an hour window – not long enough to cause any problems. My pill has a six-hour window, for crying out loud.
I opened up the calendar app on my phone and tried to piece the information I have together.
Before starting the pill earlier this year, my cycles were regular as clockwork. Nothing changed when I started taking it. Well, I went from a 30-day cycle down to 28, but that was it.
Until recently, that is.
I scanned through the notes I'd made about my periods. Out of a habit, I have always kept a log of when my bleeding starts and ends. I have done it since I was a teenager. This month there had been no bleeding at all.
Last month, I had one day of spotting and mild cramping.
The month previous, I had three days of light bleeding.
There was a change. There was a definite change.
And that was what worried me.
At the end of the article, the OBGYN recommended that anyone experiencing new problems or issues should contact their doctor. Or, at the very least, rule out the possibility of being -
I closed my eyes and buried my head in my hands.
I have been careful.
I've taken the pills.
I haven't taken any other meds that could interfere with them.
It has to be stress, I tried to tell myself. Stress is a hormone too. It's bound to fuck things up.
I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible. My knees started to bounce under my desk.
Until I ruled it out – the crazy idea that something was growing inside me - I knew it would play on my mind. Even though it would be a waste of money and time, I knew I needed to take a test and see that negative line appear.
Only then would I be able to breathe and calm down.
I gathered my things at the end of the day, shoving everything in my purse, and quickly descended the stairs to the first floor. I had already cleared it with Jaz and Sawyer to stop by a pharmacy on the way home. They didn't ask any questions, simply giving a curt nod at my request.
Reaching the bottom of the stairwell, I spotted Sawyer across the room, propped against the wall. I raised my hand to grab his attention but it was quickly snatched from the side, my entire body being dragged from the stairs and swept into a brick wall of a chest.
My heart leapt into my throat.
"Christian!" I gasped, shaking my head. He stared down at me with a cheesy grin, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "W-What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to pick you up today," he hummed. He brushed his fingers down my cheek, tucking them neatly under my chin. He leaned down and kissed me. "I cancelled my meeting."
I had banked on him being busy for most of the evening. He was supposed to be having a business dinner. I was kind of relying on it…
"I thought we could have a date night," he added. He pulled me into his front, his right hand nestled into the base of my spine. "We can take The Grace out, have some dinner under the stars. Just the two of us."
"Sounds lovely," I mumbled, unconvincingly.
He took my hand in his and escorted me through the lobby, guiding me to the doors and out onto the street. The SUV was ready and waiting, Taylor behind the wheel.
I slid into the back and buckled my seatbelt. My fingers were trembling in my lap, my palms growing sweaty.
Christian joined me in the back and quickly ordered Taylor to head off, and to go straight to the docks. We weren't even going home first.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
"Um…" I spoke up, clearing my throat.
Taylor's eyes darted to the rear-view mirror, latching onto mine.
"Actually, can I make a quick pitstop first?"
"Of course," he nodded. "Where do you need to go?"
I hesitated.
The drugstore was out of the question. It would prompt too many questions.
"Just the nearest grocery store," I blabbed, shrugging my shoulders. "I have to grab a couple of things."
"What do you need?" Christian asked. He lightly touched my elbow, beckoning my attention to him. I was reluctant to look at him. "You can give Taylor a list. He can pick up whatever you need."
"It's personal," I shook my head. "I want to do it myself. If that's okay?"
He didn't press the matter, instead giving Taylor the nod to make my requested stop.
Within a few minutes, we were parked up in front of an independent store. I hopped from the car no soon as the engine had been killed, my feet slamming into the ground. I rushed into the building and scanned the aisle headers, looking for the toiletries.
Snaking around a group of teenagers hovering near the deodorants and body sprays, I followed the shelves and moved to the family planning section. My stomach grew hard and tense as I grabbed a pregnancy test from the shelf.
I didn't know what I was looking for – which one do I go for? Even in such a small store, there was a lot of choice. There were at least four different brands, along with a variety of different kits.
"Baby, you forgot your purse –"
I snapped my head up and saw Christian standing beside me, holding up my bag.
His eyes lowered to my hands and a cool, stony look took over his face.
Fuck.
His throat bobbed.
"I… um…"
"Who is it for?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
I cocked my head to the side, unable to bring myself to answer him.
His jaw tightened, the skin stretching over the taut muscles.
"Okay," he nodded, licking his lips.
He reached around me and grabbed as many tests as he could carry. Turning on his heel, he stalked over to the counter and threw down the boxes. The bleary-eyed cashier began scanning the items, looking cautiously between me and Christian.
I could feel my cheeks burning up, while a cold sweat trickled down my back.
The total exceeded a hundred dollars. Christian barely looked at the card reader as he punched in his PIN.
We left the store in perfect silence.
"Christian?" I croaked, his name catching in my throat. "I'm not sure… I mean, I don't –"
"Come on," he said. "Get in the car and let's go home."
"But the boat?"
"This is more important," he shook his head, opening the car door for me.
He didn't meet my eye as I climbed in.
Christian was quiet, but he wasn't distant with me.
Thank goodness.
Halfway through the ride home, he reached over and picked up my hand. He squeezed my fingers tight, only letting go once we arrived at Escala.
He took my purse and jacket from me as we exited the elevator and entered the apartment. In exchange, he passed over the bag full of tests.
"Now or never," he shrugged, glancing in the direction of our bedroom.
I went straight through to our bathroom and began nervously unwrapping several of the tests. I lined them up on the counter and quickly read the instructions, though they were all pretty similar. Pee on the stick and wait at least three minutes. The only real difference would be in how to read the results – some were clear as day, a yes or no answer, whereas others were all about the lines and crosses.
I felt sick to my core.
I did the deed and managed to use five of the tests. God knows what we'll do with the others.
Finishing up, I placed them back on the counter and washed my hands. Looking down, I saw my pills in their usual spot next to my toothbrush. I was already nine pills into the strip.
I know I have done everything by the book.
This is just a precaution. Just to settle my mind.
I left the bathroom, not wanting to hover over the tests, and re-entered the bedroom. Christian was sat on the edge of the bed. He was hunched forward, his elbows resting on his knees.
I sat down next to him, a small gap between us.
"Do you think you are?" he whispered.
"I don't know," I muttered. "I really don't know."
"What prompted you to check?"
"I was talking to Kate and it kind of hit me that my periods have changed," I said. "I haven't bled this month. Last month I had a tiny amount of spotting. The month before my period was super short."
"But that's normal though, right? It happens?"
"This is a new thing," I explained. "I've always had a period on the pill, ever since I started it. They've gotten lighter, yeah, but not like this. This is different."
"Oh…"
"I checked my pills. I haven't missed one."
"I know you haven't," he nodded. "I see you take it almost every morning. You have a routine."
We fell silent for a moment, the heaviness in the air circling around us.
"Christian?"
"Hm?"
"What if I am?"
He inhaled a deep breath and sighed.
He checked his watch.
"It's been five minutes," he said. "Do you think that's enough time?"
"Probably," I nodded.
Forcing myself up, I headed to the bathroom on shaky legs. Christian wasn't following me. He was letting me find out. I wondered if he could even bring himself to stand up, if his legs felt anywhere near as jelly-like as my own.
Creeping to the counter, I cast my eyes over the tests.
They were ready.
Each one displayed the same result, in one form or another.
"Well?" Christian called out.
I gulped and crossed back to the doorway, holding one of the tests in my hand. I leaned against the frame, needing the support.
His eyes connected with mine, holding my gaze in an intense stare.
Before I even spoke, it was as if he knew. Something shifted in his eyes, telling me he already knew what I was about to reveal.
"Positive," I uttered. "They're all positive."