Chapter 32: Solitary Man
Hotch looked up from his book and smiled at the sight in front of him.
It was Emily's turn to chase, and she had been pretending to run after the little boy, letting him evade her, until the last second. Jack squealed when Emily caught him and lifted him into the air, tickling his sides. Emily laughed and dropped to the ground, both of them falling down in a heap of flailing limbs and loud giggles.
"No boo boos, please Agent Prentiss!" Hotch called out from where he was sitting on the picnic rug, about 10 feet away.
Emily sat up and saluted him sarcastically, "Yes sir!" she shouted back, resulting in a laugh from Hotch.
"Daddy!" Jack called out, sitting up and crawling onto Emily's shoulders and leaning his head on hers, "Emily is really good at chasing!"
"I know, buddy," Hotch replied, closing his book and looking over at the pair, a smile impulsively growing on his face, "That's why she's on our team."
Emily chuckled and looked over at Hotch, shielding her eyes from the sun, "Here I thought it was because I was multi-lingual and good with kids."
He opened his mouth to speak again when Emily's phone buzzed next to Hotch's knee and he looked over to check it.
*I'm on the 16:30 flight from Boston to DC, if you want to wait and have dinner with me. If not, I'll just meet you at your place. – Zac*
Hotch furrowed his brow and looked up to find Emily and Jack engaged in a wrestling match where they had fallen earlier. They'd been having a lovely morning together at the park, but now he felt his mood change at the sight of that message. He still hadn't figured out who Zac was and, even though he was an FBI agent, he was trying to respect Emily's privacy by not asking her directly… or bringing Garcia into his hunt for information.
He knew that Zac was close enough to Emily that she didn't hesitate to say "I love you"; she was reaching out to her Interpol contacts to help him out; and he was taking a job with WHO. Given Emily's background, Hotch was jumping to all manner of conclusions, and even though Emily had tried to convince him that she wasn't going anywhere, Hotch had his doubts that someone like Emily couldn't be tempted to return to the world of international criminal justice.
Hotch realised that his fears about Emily leaving were distracting him from a fun Sunday with Emily and Jack, so he stashed those thoughts away for later, standing from the picnic rug to make his way over to the others.
He held his hands out to help Emily off the ground, "If you two want to press pause on your game, it might be time for sandwiches."
Emily dusted off her hands and then stooped down to lift Jack up from the ground, hefting him over her shoulder and making airplane noises, "Sounds like a plan, Agent Hotchner," she replied, "Growing boys need their fuel to keep playing."
As the three of them made their way over to the blanket, Jack giggled from his spot on Emily's shoulder. She slowly lowered him down to the rug and ruffled his hair.
"Dropping the landing gears and hitting the runway… perfect landing, Captain Jack."
Jack giggled at Emily's commentary and the sound made Hotch's heart hurt. He watched them for a moment, Emily dropping onto the blanket next to Jack, and Jack scooting into her side. Her hand went up to run through Jack's hair, and Hotch imagined a world where Emily was a permanent fixture in their lives, where they spent their Saturdays at the park and their Sundays reading the paper in bed.
"Are you coming in for a landing too, Daddy?" Emily asked, looking up at Hotch and tapping his ankle gently.
Hotch shook his head and dropped down next to the others, completing the circle. Emily looked at him quizzically and reached over to cup his knee with her hand.
"Are you ok, Aaron?" she asked, a concerned look on her face.
His mind had obviously taken him down a long path, and Emily was worried that he was upset about something. Given their location… she looked down at Jack… and their company, she hoped he wasn't sad that Haley wasn't there with them. Emily knew that she was always in the back of Hotch's mind, and her absence from Jack's life was a constant concern for him. Emily never wanted to replace Haley, but she did think that she could be a kind of mother-figure to the little boy, give him that affection and attention that a mother would normally give.
Hotch nodded, reaching down to squeeze her fingers, "I'm fine… let's feed the boy," he replied softly, looking down at Jack where he was leaning into Emily's side.
Still concerned about Hotch, but knowing that Jack's belly grumbling meant that they needed to get a move on the food, Emily reached over to remove the Tupperware container of sandwiches from the cooler bag. Having woken up from his daze, Hotch took out the juice boxes, each of them handing one of their wares to said-growing boy.
Once Jack was set up with his lunch, Emily and Hotch swapped a sandwich for a juice box and sat back to dig in. As she took a bite of her sandwich, Emily could feel eyes on her, and she looked from Hotch, down to Jack, who was still leaning against her side.
"Emily," Jack started, staring up at her, "Is peanut butter your favourite?"
Emily smiled at Hotch before turning back with a more serious face to Jack, "It sure is," she replied, "Peanut butter and apple juice are my favourites in the whole entire world!"
Jack nodded, "Me too."
"Me three," Hotch added, resulting in a smile from Emily and a giggle from Jack. That sound broke Hotch completely from the path his mind had taken him down, and he decided that, for the rest of the day, he would just enjoy their company… Jack and Emily… his two favourite people in the world.
"So what should we do after lunch?" Hotch asked, looking between them, "Emily thinks we need to get some more books for your bedtimes, so how about we stop at the bookstore on the way home?"
"Yes!" Jack said, grinning widely and holding his juice box up in the air.
Emily looked to Hotch and smiled, "Is that a jab at my story-telling abilities?"
Hotch smiled and reached over to wipe a smudge of peanut butter from the corner of Emily's mouth, wiping it on his napkin, "Not at all, Agent Prentiss," he replied, "I just thought you might like to let the professionals handle it from here on out."
Hotch made his way back into the house and down the hall, looking for Emily.
The ME had just finished removing Hatchett's body from the truck, and they were just waiting for the approved driver to come and move the truck to the impound lot, where it would be processed. But at least now they could safely get Jody out of this house and back to the station without her being further traumatised.
"She's down the hall," Rossi said, pointing in the direction of the hallway, "Helping Jody pack a bag."
Hotch nodded, looking in the direction Rossi was gesturing, wondering if he should bother them, or wait for them to return to the living room. He turned back to look over Rossi's shoulder. They'd found the paperwork for Jodie's removal from her father's care, including an application from child protection which detailed the neglect that Jody had experienced in her father's care.
Hatchett had tried, as hard as he could, but the damage was done. When Jody was removed from his care, she was emaciated, dirty, living in the back of his truck. She was almost mute, having missed so many days of school and having little contact with anyone except her father, that she wouldn't speak.
The paperwork also showed the strides the little girl had made since living in a stable, secure home with a caregiver who could provide her with everything she needed. The change in such little time was remarkable.
"She's a strong kid," Rossi remarked, looking up at Hotch, noting the tired look on his friend's face.
Hotch nodded, "Hopefully that will help her get through this next part."
"She didn't see anything," Rossi replied calmly, "Emily made sure of that."
"I'll go and check on them," Hotch said softly, "We should be clear to leave now."
Rossi nodded and watched Hotch make his way down the hall, disappearing out of sight, hoping that witnessing the Hatchett's suicide wouldn't become another nightmare to add to the catalogue. He stood up from the table and searched the room for a box to pack the papers away.
Hotch made his way down the hall, noting the calming images that lined the walls. He heard voices coming from the room at the end of the hall and headed in that direction. As he drew closer, he slowed his steps and listened to them talking.
"Will I see Mrs Clemons when I get to the police station?" Jody asked brightly.
Emily frowned and sat on the bed, taking Jody's hand and pulled her over to sit next to her, "Jody, I have something sad to tell you," she explained gently, reaching up to tuck Jody's hair behind her ear.
Emily wondered how honest she should be. Everything in the books would tell her to water down her explanation, covering the terms in child-friendly language. And then as Zac's face ran across her mind, Emily's instincts told her to take another direction. It wasn't an image of him now though, but him at eight years old. Tall and skinny, with a mess of black hair, when he spent an entire year wearing mismatched socks and learning to play DND.
Emily thought about what she would say to Zac if he was sitting with her, and so she went with honesty.
"Mrs Clemons died this morning."
Jody frowned and looked up at Emily, and a tear slipped down her cheek, "I'm all alone." she asked sadly, leaning into Emily's side, "Who will take care of me now?"
"Oh sweetheart," Emily said softly, running her hand over Jody's hair and back, "You will be ok, Jody, I promise…" she paused and felt the tears welling in her own eyes at the tiny girl's crying, "We will make sure there's someone to take care of you."
Not knowing what else to do, Emily held Jody while she cried, running her fingers through her hair like she used to do with Zac. She couldn't imagine how Jody was feeling, but Emily could feel the pain in the way the little girl was shaking in her arms. Emily made a mental note to check in with Zac as soon as possible - nothing calming her more than knowing that her son was safe and sound. When he was younger, back when Emily had been starting out in the Bureau, she'd had fairly consistent hours. As a rookie, she occasionally had to work nights and weekends, but once they'd established a routine and Emily had found a decent range of babysitters, things had gotten easier. It also helped that Zac was an easy-going kid who didn't really ask for much. Just the occasional trip to the park and a kiss goodnight whenever Emily could manage it.
The more Emily thought about it, the more she realised that Zac and Jack were similar in many ways. Their personalities were almost identical: both boys enjoyed a good run around at the park, had an adorable giggle, and were inquisitive and insightful, wise beyond their years. Emily felt a warmth in her chest as she imagined them meeting, though she couldn't think of a circumstance where that could happen.
Feeling Jody's breath even out and her tears taper off, Emily looked down and realised that she had cried herself to sleep, so she gently shifted the little girl so that her head was on the pillow. Once she had settled Jody in the bed, Emily went back to packing her belongings into a suitcase they had found. Clothes, toys, and books all went in the same bag, with a smaller bag packed with a few necessities to keep her going for now.
Emily was busy folding Jody's jeans when she heard Hotch clear his throat, she looked up from the suitcase and met him at the door, holding her finger over her mouth. Hotch nodded and stayed in the hall, leaning against the doorjamb.
"How's it going out there?" Emily whispered, standing close to Hotch, but turning to look back at Jody.
"He's been taken away," Hotch replied, keeping his voice low, "The driver should be here in ten minutes or so to take the truck away, and once it's gone we can get Jody out of here."
Emily furrowed her brow and nodded, looking back at Hotch and studying his face, "What's wrong?"
"Aside from the unsub who committed suicide an hour ago?" he asked dryly, shaking his head, "Sorry."
Emily reached down to squeeze Hotch's hand. There was something going on in his mind, and while she ordinarily wouldn't be physically demonstrative at a crime scene, she couldn't help herself. Hotch looked so sad, and when he was sad, Emily felt an immediate need to do something about it. Usually her bag of tricks included hugs, kisses on the cheek, running her fingers through his hair, and making him comfort pesto... but none of those options were available in the current setting, so she just had to leave it with a comforting smile and squeezing his hand... completely inadequate in her book.
"Later, Emily," Hotch whispered back, squeezing her fingers in reply before he let go, "When we get home."
Emily nodded and tipped her head towards the bedroom, "I think she needs the sleep," Emily explained, "I'll keep packing her things. Just come and get me when we're clear."
Hotch glanced over Emily's shoulder, watching Jody's fitful sleep, "The minute we're clear."
Hotch and Rossi pushed through the doors of the police station, carrying Jody's belongings in a mix of suitcases and duffel bags. When he reached the other side, Hotch held the door open for Emily to walk through, carrying a still-sleeping Jody in her arms.
The little girl had woken up for long enough to get to the car, but fell asleep against Emily's side on the ride to the station. Emily didn't mind, it gave her something to do, to keep her mind off her worries for Hotch. She knew something was going on with him, but he had refused to give her any details until they were off-the-clock.
Emily made her way through the station and out the back, where the officers had set aside a small room for Jody to occupy until someone came to pick her up. She held Jody in her arms while Hotch lay down the bedspread and pillow they'd brought from the house, figuring something familiar would be comforting. Hotch took his time, tucking the bedding into the side of the couch, before he turned and nodded to Emily. She gently lay the little girl on the couch, pulling the remaining bedspread to lay over her sleeping body. Before she stood up, Emily ran her hand over Jody's hair and smiled sadly.
Emily stood and felt Hotch's hand on her back, "She'll be ok, Emily," Hotch whispered, "We should go and check in with the others."
Emily nodded and turned to follow Hotch out of the room, turning to gently close the door. They made their way down the hall and back out into the main bullpen, finding the rest of the team around the conference table that they'd been using for their search.
As Emily scanned her team-mates faces, she saw the concern. JJ looked downright despondent.
"What's wrong?" Emily asked, looking around the table at her team. There was a host of possible bad news scenarios that popped into Emily's head, but she shook those thoughts out of her mind... no sense in worrying until she heard what the team had to say.
"We just had a call from social services," JJ started, "The story is all over the news…" her voice trailed off and she shook her head, unable to finish the sentence.
"Jody's adoptive parents pulled out of the adoption," Reid added, carefully watching Emily's face. The team had been warned by Rossi that the little girl had become attached to Emily, and Emily would probably not be ready for any more bad news.
"She's on her own again?" Emily asked, looking desperately at Hotch, who looked as upset as she felt.
"Social services are doing what they can to find her somewhere for tonight," JJ said, trying to inject a little hope into the conversation, "They'll look for another family for her, but it will probably take some time."
"What hope does she have?" Emily asked, "If the first family turned her down, what chance does she have to find another one?"
Emily felt like all eyes were on her, and she knew she needed to get out of there. She felt like she'd lost her breath, but she couldn't break down in front of the rest of the team. She had to get out of there... so she did. Emily turned from the table, ignoring JJ calling out her name, and quickly made her way through the station and out the front door.
The cool night air hit Emily's skin and she sighed, crossing her arms against her chest as she looked around. She continued down the sidewalk, until she reached the corner. It was already dark, and she didn't want to walk too far away from the station, so she stopped at the corner and leant back against the wall of the bank, resting her hands on her thighs and trying to catch her breath.
She hated the thought of this little girl having no one to fight for her. No child deserved to be alone, and Jody had no one. Her mother was gone. Her father was gone. Her foster carer was gone. And now her adoptive parents were gone.
To say it wasn't fair would be an understatement.
Emily took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, but she jumped when she felt a familiar hand on her back. She looked up and found JJ standing next to her, offering a sad smile.
"You ok?" JJ asked, running her hand over Emily's back.
Emily nodded and looked over to JJ, "I'm fine… Thanks Jayje," she said, leaning back against the wall, "I don't know what came over me… I just felt so angry."
JJ furrowed her brow, "Well… you have spent the last five hours with a child who's just lost her last parent."
Emily shook her head, "I don't know," she replied, "Maybe I'm tired… maybe I'm PMS-ing."
JJ chuckled and ran her hand over Emily's hair, "I wonder…" JJ stopped and shook her head, "Never mind."
"Just say it," Emily urged, standing up straight and looking at her friend. She knew what JJ was thinking, but she needed to hear it from someone else.
"Carrie?"
Emily let out a sigh, and knowing JJ was right, she nodded sadly. It had been a little over two years since that case in Colorado, but the constant battle still waged within Emily. The battle between her human side, and her need to maintain a professional distance from their work. So many cases had come and gone since that day, but this was the first one that had tested Emily's professional resolve to this extent.
In no way did she think she could take on Jody's care, but that almost made things worse in her mind. She hadn't even hesitated when it came to Carrie, so it made Emily wonder if she'd really changed so much in that time.
"You know, I still think I was right when I said you'd make a wonderful mother," JJ said softly, reaching down to take Emily's hand, "You are sweet, and kind, and caring… any kid would be lucky to have you as a mom."
Emily bit her lip and looked over at JJ, wondering if now was the time to tell her. What JJ had just said was the perfect in-road to sharing her secret... to sharing Zac. While Emily wanted to share this information with Hotch, it never seemed like the right time. Something always happened that stopped Emily from sharing this information with him. Telling JJ made sense. Telling JJ now made sense. And it would help her in these situations, to have someone who knew about her son. Someone who could talk her down when she became upset about cases involving kids. Someone who could empathise with her reactions to cases like this. Someone who would know to call Zac if anything happened to her.
Her mind made up, Emily's heart beat loudly in her chest and she opened her mouth to speak.
"Prentiss, JJ," Hotch called, heading down the footpath towards them. He slowed as he approached them, and gestured over his shoulder while he stared at Emily, "Jody's awake and asking for you."
Emily nodded and pushed herself away from the wall, squeezing JJ's hand and starting towards the front door of the station. Hotch turned as Emily passed him, but he stayed in place, watching her walk away. He was confused about the look she had given him - a strange combination of relief and disappointment. He stared at her until she disappeared into the station, and he stared at the space she had left behind.
"Tell me she's ok," Hotch asked, sensing JJ as she walked up behind him.
"She will be," JJ said, reaching over to squeeze Hotch's arm, "Just give her time."
Hotch nodded and JJ smiled up at him, "I'm surprised you waited so long to come and find her," she remarked as she followed in Emily's steps and headed towards the station.
As JJ disappeared inside, Hotch huffed and shook his head, before he followed the others and made his way into the station.
Hotch sighed as he made his way through the front door of the apartment, turning to lock the door and tossing his keys into the bowl on the entry table. His dinner with Jessica and her father was long overdue, but also exhausting. Now that he was home, all Hotch wanted to do was collapse with a glass of scotch.
He had expected to find Emily on the couch, but the living room, dining room, and kitchen were all empty. A lone lamp lit the whole area, but no humans to be found.
He furrowed his brow and started through the apartment, making his way down the hall and noticing the light in Jack's room was on. As he grew closer, Hotch heard their voices. He watched them through the small gap in the door, his heart warming at the sight of Emily and Jack squeezed into his bed.
"One more story, young man, then off to sleep," Emily whispered, "If Daddy comes home and you're still awake, he'll never let me hang out with you again."
Jack giggled and a wide grin grew on Hotch's face at the sound.
"Ok, lay back down, buddy," Emily said softly, reaching over to run her hand over Jack's hair as he lay his head on his pillow. She looked down at him, "You comfy?"
Jack nodded and reached up to tap the front of the book, and Emily smiled, continuing to brush Jack's hair with her fingers. It had always worked for Zac, and as Jack's eyes closed, she thought it might just work for him too. Opening one of Jack's new books, she started to read.
"Once upon a time, a boy named Jack got himself into the biggest, most humungous heap of trouble ever. It all started when Jack's mama asked him to milk the old cow. But Jack decided he was tired of milking cows. "No way, no how. I'm not milking this brown cow now," said Jack, and he decided to sell the old cow, so he'd never have to milk it again."
Emily glanced down at her side and smiled, finding that this Jack was fast asleep. She gently reached over to place the book on the bedside table and slid off the side of the bed. Kneeling on the floor, she reached over to pull the blankets up from the foot of the bed, tucking Jack in tight. She turned off the lamp, and switched on the night light, but before she stood, Emily leant over to kiss Jack's forehead.
"Sweet dreams Jack," she whispered softly, pushing herself up off the floor and making her way towards the door. She looked through the small gap and saw Hotch waiting in the hall, and Emily smiled nervously. Hotch was pretty relaxed with her being around Jack now, and seemed to enjoy the idea of him having a maternal figure to kiss him goodnight, but she still felt nervous when Hotch was around. It felt like she was being observed... assessed... and she was terrified of getting a bad grade. Thankfully, the look on his face suggested she'd passed this test.
As Emily joined him in the hall, Hotch reached down to squeeze her hands, before he moved past her into the room, and knelt beside the bed to kiss Jack goodnight. When he stood back up and joined Emily in the hall, he pulled Jack's bedroom door shut, leaving it slightly ajar just in case Jack needed something during the night.
"Those new books were a hit," Emily remarked as they headed down the hall, turning back to smile at Hotch, "He made me read two of them, almost three… he fell asleep a couple of pages into Jack and the Beanstalk."
Hotch huffed and nodded, "Well, I'm glad you didn't have to resort to a hundredth viewing of Finding Nemo," he replied as he followed Emily into the kitchen. She set about filling up the kettle while he grabbed two mugs from the cabinet, an unspoken agreement that the end of the night called for a cup of tea and a debrief. Once the kettle was on, Emily turned around and leant against the counter, facing Hotch who was leaning on the opposite side of the small kitchen.
"How was dinner?" Emily asked softly, worried about Hotch's state of mind after an awkward dinner with Jessica and her father. He hadn't been looking forward to it, but Roy had insisted. Hotch still felt an obligation to keep Jack's grandfather in his life, so if he needed to survive a regular, awkward dinner with the man, he'd do it.
Hotch sighed and crossed his arms against his chest, "It was… tolerable."
Emily raised her eyebrows. That was a better assessment than she'd been expecting, given how Hotch had described the evening to her when he'd asked if she could babysit. There had been a comparison to water-boarding, and as someone who had actually experienced water-boarding, Emily shuddered at the thought.
As the kettle clicked, Emily turned back to fill up each of their mugs, turning to hand one to Hotch before following him into the living room and dropping onto the couch. Emily placed her mug on the table and reached over to take Hotch's free hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"I… uh…" Emily paused and bit her lip, looking down at their joined hands, "I have to tell you something."
"What is it, Em?" Hotch asked, putting his own mug down next to Emily's and tugging her gently towards him. Once she was tucked into his side, and Hotch was running his hand up and down her arm, Emily took a deep breath.
"When I was getting Jack ready for bed, he asked if I would help him talk to Haley," Emily said softly. She used one hand to push herself up so she could look Hotch in the eyes, expecting to find anger or sadness. "I wouldn't have, except Jack said that he really wanted to talk to her and tell her some things about what's been going on lately, and he was so insistent…"
Emily stopped talking when Hotch pulled her into a tight hug. She furrowed her brow as he held her against him, and his warm breath tickled the side of her neck. As he loosened his grip and she started to pull away from him, Emily noticed the tracks of tears running down Hotch's face, and she reached up to wipe them away.
"What's wrong?" Emily asked, a look of deep concern on her face, "Oh my god… please tell me I didn't do something wrong."
Hotch shook his head and cleared his throat, hoping his voice would work when he spoke, "You are an incredible friend, Emily Prentiss," Hotch said softly, squeezing her hands, "That case… in New Mexico… the thought of that man losing his child because he couldn't take care of her. It made me so scared that I can't take care of Jack on my own. That I'm not enough."
"Aaron," Emily urged, "You are an amazing dad… you have to know that, right?"
Hotch smiled sadly and dropped his chin to his chest, "I love Jack, and I do my best, but I keep thinking that Jack deserves to have more than just me. And…" Hotch's paused and looked up at Emily, taking a deep breath, "You have been such an incredible support to both of us through all of this. I know Jack loves you. And I know you love Jack. And I just want you to know how grateful I am."
It was Emily's turn to cry. She tried as hard as she could to hold back the tears, but no amount of emotional resilience would help. She nodded and looked up at Hotch, who returned the favour by wiping her tears away with his thumbs.
"I do love him," Emily replied, "I really do… and I never want you to think that you're not enough for Jack, because you are, but you don't have to be… I will be here as much as you need… as much as you'll let me."
Hotch nodded and pulled Emily back towards him. It was surprising even him how comfortable he had become at initiating this kind of contact, and Hotch was beginning to think that he could actually make it work with Emily. But the doubts still far outweighed the rest, and Hotch knew that he still needed time to work through those doubts.
For now though, Hotch sighed, he could hug her and hold her and tell her how much her friendship meant to him, and when he was ready… when they were both ready… he would tell her the rest.
Emily made herself comfortable against Hotch's chest, resting her cheek against it and hearing his heart beating fast. She sighed and wondered if now was the time to tell Hotch the rest. Tell him about Zac. Tell him about her feelings. Lay it all on the table.
And just as Emily started to get that feeling in her stomach, that now was the time, those little seeds of doubt grew. The scenario that had run through her head a million times before, the one where she told Hotch about her son and he hated her for lying to him for years. Where he was lost to her forever, because that trust that they'd worked so hard to build was gone. Where he refused to let her in anymore, and he was a darker version of himself because of it.
Emily shook her head, she couldn't risk it. She couldn't risk losing what they had.
She ran her hand over Hotch's chest and brought it to rest on his stomach.
She couldn't lose this.
So she stayed silent. And he stayed silent. And they held each other while their mugs of tea went cold.