Chapter 50: The Final Words of Emily Prentiss: Zac

Zac pushed the key into the lock and turned it, pushing the door open and sighing deeply. He stood in the doorway for a moment, looking into the apartment and wondering if he should stay with his grandparents instead. He had stayed with them for the funeral, but that had only been for a few days before he was on a flight back to Palau to finish out his assignment. It was good to spend that time with them, knowing that they were grieving and his presence would help, as brief as it had been. Now though, he was back in DC for good, getting ready to start his doctoral studies at GWU, and spending the rest of his time commuting to Fort Detrick to work as a research assistant with his PhD supervisor. They would be working on some nasty buggers in the lab, and Zac couldn't wait. He had really enjoyed his assignment, and the opportunity to spend time with the communities in Palau and other islands in the North Pacific. But now he was ready to get back to science.

While it felt strange to stay in his mom's apartment, in some ways it helped him to sense her. To feel like she was still with him, like she could walk through the door any minute, telling him to take his feet off the couch and get a haircut. And he needed that, more than anything.

It still didn't feel like she was gone… his logical brain told him that was because she had some big chunks of his life away from him, so it would eventually sink in when enough time had passed… but the less rational part of him hoped that it was all some cosmic joke. That if he stayed here, in her home, one day she would walk through the door and tell him it was all a terrible dream.

He stepped across the threshold and let the door close behind him, turning back to lock the deadbolt. He started down the hall and moved slowly into the guest bedroom, hefting his duffel onto the bed and sitting his suitcase by the end. He turned back to the hallway and continued towards the living room, lifting his laptop bag onto the dining table, figuring he could set it up as a workstation.

The more logical option was to set himself up in his mother's office, but Zac couldn't imagine packing up his mother's belongings just yet, needing to fool himself into thinking she was coming back for just a little longer. So her study would stay where it is. Her bedroom would remain untouched.

As he moved through the apartment, Zac realised that it was void of photos. Last time he was in this apartment, there were photos of everyone that Emily loved, but they were all gone. Figuring there was some reason behind it, Zac made a mental note to ask his mom's friend, JJ, about it.

JJ's face flitted across Zac's mind and he realised that he had been waiting for this moment to read the letter… his mom's letter to him.

Her goodbye.

Zac hadn't been in town when JJ had visited with his grandparents, to deliver his letter and the one that his mom had written to her parents. He had decided to stay with them for a few days after he got home from Palau, and after dinner on their first night, his grandmother had given him the letter, telling him where it had come from. He had recognised the writing on the envelope, and had decided that he needed some distance from his grandparents before he read it.

Zac walked over to the liquor cabinet and took out a bottle of scotch and a clean glass, and as he passed the dining table, he reached into his laptop bag and took out the envelope with his name on it. He looked around the apartment, wondering where he could sit to read these words, and his mind settled on the window in his mother's room.

He huffed and nodded, walking into the kitchen and opening the cabinet above the stove, rummaging through the spices and finding what he was looking for.

Cigarettes and a lighter.

In those moments when his mom was most stressed, she would find somewhere peaceful and smoke a cigarette… just one… and then she'd shove the pack back in its hiding place until next time. She thought it was a secret, but Zac had known about this habit since he was at least ten. She would come home and try to keep things light for him by building forts and throwing dance parties in the living room, until she thought he was in bed asleep. And then she would take the cigarettes out of their hiding place, find a secret spot somewhere in the yard, and smoke a cigarette. Zac had actually appreciated the habit which, aside from the obvious health implications from smoking, had become a barometer for how stressed his mom was.

Zac tucked the cigarettes and lighter into his pocket and walked into his mom's room with the rest of his necessities, pulling back the curtains and opening the window. He climbed through the window, standing up on the fire escape and working his way up the final set of steps until he reached the rooftop. He took a moment to appreciate the view from where he was standing, knowing that his mom had definitely bought this apartment for many reasons, one of which was definitely this view.

As he looked around him, searching for something to sit on, Zac chuckled, finding a pair of folding chairs leaning against the brick wall. He'd put money on his mom bringing these up there for this exact reason.

He unfolded one of the chairs, positioning it so that he had a good view of the sun setting behind the city, and as he sat down, he leant over to pour himself a glass of scotch. He lit a cigarette and, with glass in hand, he pulled the letter out of his pocket and opened it.

Tears welled in his eyes at the first words on the page, but he sniffed them back and pushed on.

My darling Zac,

Sweetheart, you have no idea how difficult it is for me to write this letter to you. This probably feels surreal, but if you're reading this, it means I'm gone.

I can't tell you what happened. In fact, there are too many monsters who could have wanted me dead that I can't even tell you which one succeeded. But here we are.

The how doesn't matter.

The who doesn't matter.

What matters is that you know how much I love you. How proud I am of you. How amazed I am that you have grown up to be the amazing human being you are today.

I'd love to take credit for the beautiful man that you've become, but I honestly think this is just how you were always meant to be. The only thing I will take credit for is your ability to sing every Bowie song, recite every one of Khalil Gibran's poems, and your encyclopaedic knowledge of every John Hughes movie. The rest of it is just you sweetheart.

I was so young when you came into my life, but I have never regretted your existence, not for a single second. You are my bright spark. You are my reason for living. And you're my reason for fighting so hard. I only ever wanted to make this world a safer place for my beautiful son to live in, and that's probably why I'm gone.

I know you know this, but I need to make sure. I didn't keep your existence a secret because I was ashamed. No mother could ever be ashamed to have you as a son, no matter the circumstances. I kept you a secret from the people in my life at work because of the monsters. The one who hunted me, who beat me, was just one of many. I chased monsters in hopes of making the world a safer place for everyone, but because of that chase, I was terrified that they would come after me. And if they found out about you, and came after you, that was a fate worse than my own death. So I kept you a secret to protect you from them.

I saw what happened with other people in my life, whose families became a target, and I couldn't let that happen to you. I couldn't let you be taken from me, because of choices that I had made. You are everything to me, and I need you to believe that.

I know you will have so many questions. In fact, as I write this letter, I can just imagine you grabbing one of your yellow legal pads and starting a list.

Some of those questions can be answered, and some can't.

Since I won't be there to answer them for you, there is one person I think will be able to give you a little peace. He'll probably need some convincing, so buckle up that Prentiss charm and I'm sure you'll be able to persuade him. He's someone that means a lot to me, and he's the only person I've trusted to tell these secrets to.

The only thing I didn't trust him with is you. He doesn't know about you, and that's something that I've come to regret. I tried so many times to tell him, but it never felt right. Or maybe it did and I was just being a coward. Either way, you might need to show him this letter so that he understands why I didn't tell him about you.

So when you're ready, reach out to him. You know who… I've been talking to you about him for all these years. And if you still haven't figured it out, remember his nickname… The Asshole. (Trying to inject some humour into this letter in the vain hope that, instead of making you angry, it will make you laugh).

My sweetheart. I don't want you to be sad for too long. You have an amazing future in front of you, and I know that you are going to do incredible things for this world. Please take care of yourself. Take care of your grandparents. Your grandmother won't understand, but if she is angry, let her be. And decide for yourself if this is reason enough to reach out to your father. Don't let him or your grandmother, or anyone else, pressure you.

Always eat your vegetables, get a haircut before it reaches your shoulders, and as our favourite doctor said, you are part of a bigger, grander thing. And remember that I love you. Always.

Loads of love,

Mom

Zac sighed, taking the final sip of his scotch and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. His head dropped as he felt the tears start, and he let them flow freely. He had never thought how much it would mean to have something like this from his mom.

A goodbye.

Zac held his head up again, reading over the words a second time, his eyes stopping as he reached the nickname his mom had given her boss and he chuckled. As the smile dropped from his face and he poured himself another glass of scotch, Zac made a plan to visit Quantico, as his mom had told him. He had so many questions and, as his mom told him, there was only one place to get the answers.

Zac reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell, and as he dialled her number, Zac sipped his scotch and looked out over the city. He heard the click in his ear, followed by her greeting, and smiled.

"Hey Grams. I was wondering if you want company to visit Mom tomorrow... and if you want to grab some lunch after?"

A/N: And that my friends, is a wrap! I'm a little OCD so I wanted to wrap the story up with a neat 50 chapters and I wanted to finish the story with Zac, since this is about him. Next, I'll be starting on cleaning up the original Three Small Words story, where Hotch and Zac meet. Please keep following and reviewing, and I hope you've enjoyed this little "what if" AU. Also, thanks for the reviews SouthunLady and Vickyvicky890! I love to hear from you guys. If you liked this story, I'll start the new one tomorrow. :)