"Where did you go?"
Beca registered the voice and popped her head over to see Gwen studying her with a puzzled look. "Ummm… What did you ask?"
Gwen squinted and her mouth turned up lightly. "I asked where you went." She smiled again at Beca's confusion about the question. "You were talking about how you found a great place to relax. Then you zoned out."
"Oh. Yeah." Beca tried to clear her head. This had been happening since The Shower duet. There were so many things swirling in her head that she had a hard time focusing on much of anything. She went to American History and to Economics, but came home with four lines of notes between the two classes. But she did have some wicked cool logos for several rock bands, if she decided to go that route in life. Apparently she also had experimented with fourteen different styles in which to write Chloe. As much as she tried to pull her head back into the present, it seemed stuck in that shower stall. Without even meaning to, she would be back there in her mind. Wrapped up in the music. Wrapped up in the girl - she tried to chase those thoughts away to no avail. The siren call of the audition pulled at her. But she was scared. She had walked away from performing for a reason. It had taken too much from her; it almost had taken everything. She blamed it for her being there in that hallway. It also had become bigger than her. Her mom embraced the acclaim of Beca's performances, but Beca. Her father loved sharing the music, but not the same space as his daughter. Even in the requests to sing at the memorial - to ask someone who had gone through all of that pain to then turn around and entertain? It just solidified Beca's belief that she was a human radio to most people. But the truth is that she loved performing music. She missed it. She had felt something so powerful that first night in the shower when she succumbed to the song. Each subsequent night she poured out her heart into the words, and they poured peace and strength back into her. And then… Oh, that night when Chloe literally tore away the curtain. Beca felt something completely new birthed in her that night. She wanted more of it. She wanted to audition, to find that place again. But she was conflicted. Could she embrace the source of so much pain again? And how much of this was the song … and how much the singer? That opened a much bigger and more complicated gash inside of her.
Beca adjusted on the couch so she faced Gwen and breathed out through her nose, steeling herself. "You know … how in college …. there's that whole idea that college is … where… you find yourself?" Gwen studied her quietly, so Beca kept going. "Like … people experiment…" She could feel the blush rising up her throat and her ears. "Not experiment … they try on things … I don't know what I'm saying…" She chewed her lip, trying to formulate what she wanted to ask. "I've been having … thoughts … that I have never … really … had before?" She scratched her eyebrow and waited.
"What kind of thoughts?"
Beca stared at the ceiling and waved her hands around a bit. "You know … thoughts …. about … things. And people…." Man, this was awkward. Trying a different track, Beca blurted out. "There's an audition. I was thinking about going."
Gwen couldn't hide her surprise. "REALLY? Wow." She regained her composure and resumed. "That seems … out of the blue. What brought this on?"
Beca chewed on her lip. Some beautiful red headed girl naked assaulting me in the shower? She shrugged. "I don't know. I've really … enjoyed singing … in the shower." She readjusted herself on the couch, bringing her foot up underneath her. "And … someone I met … invited me to … audition for …. a cappella."
A knowing grin spread across Gwen's lips. "Someone invited you to audition?" Beca's flush came back. "Is this the person you're having thoughts about?"
Beca shrugged again. "Maybe." She felt stupid and ashamed - she wasn't sure why. She hadn't done anything wrong. Not performing was her choice, not some order from a doctor. Several of her therapists had actually encouraged her to keep the door open on that decision. And she wasn't doing anything wrong thinking about Chloe either. Right? That … still fuzzy on that.
"Beca. Hey." Beca raised her eyes to Gwen, finding a kind smile in return. "I think that is great - that you have met somebody who moves you enough to consider singing again. I just want to make sure that you are doing this because you want to, and not because they want you to." Beca nodded mindlessly. Gwen's smile got bigger, "But if you do decide to do it, I can't wait to hear how it goes."
Audition day had arrived. Beca's stomach had been in knots since she woke up. She wanted to go, wanted to try, wanted to see Chloe. She wasn't worried about her ability to sing or her chances of being chosen - that was probably a given, considering her background. She did not want to see the blonde girl from the Activities Fair. She did not want to put up with Jesse's inevitable gloating. She did not want to step out too soon and feel the possible avalanche of anxiety and mental torment come crushing down onto her head, burying her like Wile E Coyote. After much deliberation, and many false starts and retreats, and Kimmy Jin yelling at her to stop opening and closing the door, Beca headed over to the auditorium.
She was late. There was already a constant stream of voices drifting out as she approached. She stopped outside, her heart pounding. I can't do this. It's too soon. She started to turn around, but halted when a new thought entered her mind. Chloe will be disappointed if you don't try. Beca stood up straight and looked over her shoulder at the double doors. But this needs to be something YOU want to do. Taking a deep breath, Beca headed inside and followed the signs around to the registration area, which was empty. She figured the sign up sheets were already inside. Oh well, you tried, too late, let's go. There still were a few students waiting in the wings of the stage, so she was pretty sure she could still participate. If she could just get her stupid legs to move. She didn't know how long she stood there frozen, but when she looked up there were not any more students standing off stage. Shit. That got her moving. She crept up to the edge of the stage and peeked around the corner.
"Okay! That's everybody!" Groans of relief went up from students in the seats.
Beca stepped out a bit more and could see the judges for the different groups in front of the stage. She spotted Chloe and the blonde girl at the far end. The blue eyes recognized Beca in the shadows. "Wait! There's one more." Chloe's voice and waving hand had the desired effect on Beca, and she walked up to center stage.
"I didn't have time to prepare the song." Beca heard a frustrated huff from the blonde next to Chloe.
Chloe scowled at her co-captain and cheerfully said, "It's okay! Sing anything!"
In all of the mental wrestling about even coming, Beca hadn't thought about what to sing. She could have easily tossed off a passable version of the required song - Kelly Clarkson's Since You've Been Gone. But she needed to do this on her own terms. She was done taking orders regarding her music; it was too precious to her for that. She started to feel herself panic a bit, then looked down at Chloe. The redhead smiled at her and nodded. Beca felt the maelstrom relent for a moment and she could think. She thought back to a song by Lulu and the Lampshades that she had seen on YouTube during her many months of recovery in her room. Spotting a yellow cup on Chloe's table, she asked if she could borrow it. She dumped out the pens and sat on the stage with the cup. Then she started tapping out a beat on the cup while also flipping the cup around and using it to add more of a beat.
I got my ticket for the long way 'round
Two bottle o' whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I'm leavin' tomorrow, what do you say?
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair
You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk
You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
When Beca finished, she heard applause and looked up. Chloe was excitedly clapping and grinning. She winked at Beca, who felt her face getting hot. The blonde scowled and made a note on her pad of paper. In the back of the room, Jesse hopped up and down and laughed. What have I got myself into.
Beca started walking back to her dorm after the audition. Her head was still swirling, trying to get a grip on all of what this meant. I'm a Bella? Could she handle this new commitment? She just signed on to be around people on a regular basis. That meant talking, and interacting, and sharing. And it was in music again. That's just what she was trying to avoid! Her new construction was starting to look suspiciously like her old construction. So completely lost in her thoughts while staring at her moving feet, she didn't hear anyone coming until Chloe jumped next to her and grasped her arm.
"Hey!"
Beca looked up suddenly to see sparkling blue eyes and a huge grin. "Uh … hi."
"You said you couldn't sing! You liar." Chloe emphasized the final word by smacking Beca's arm.
"Um … ow." Beca started rubbing the spot, playing up the pain. "And I said I didn't sing, not that I couldn't sing." She squinted at Chloe and turned her head, talking with comic suspicion. "But we already covered this ground …. remember? …. when you attacked me in the shower?"
Chloe giggled and covered her mouth. "Yeah." She started laughing harder. "Man your face was priceless. I still think about how you looked."
A startled look jumped onto Beca's face. "You think about how I looked?!"
A different kind of smile crept onto Chloe's face - one that made Beca's stomach spin a bit. "Oh yeah I do." The phrase was so sultry that Beca had trouble swallowing. She couldn't break contact with Chloe's eyes. The tractor beam was too strong. "Do you … think about how I looked?"
Beca's "dear in the headlights" look was firmly impressed on her face. "Uh … yea… I mean no … I mean, maybe…"
Chloe waggled her eyebrows and then started laughing. "Your face. Ha!" Then she completely shifted gears back to,"Well you said you weren't coming. So you're still a liar." She stood confidently and crossed her arms. Beca stood frozen to the spot, trying to calm her breathing. Chloe smiled then and grabbed hold of Beca's arm. "Where are you headed?"
Beca's head finally cleared the fog and answered, "Umm … I was headed back to the dorm." She started walking again, Chloe still gripping her arm with both hands and walking alongside.
"It's still early. Want to go get dinner?" Chloe offered. Beca didn't respond right away. "My treat."
As tempting as the offer was, Beca was confused. "Why?"
Chloe stopped walking and looked at the younger girl curiously. "Why what? It's dinner time and I was hungry and thought you might be hungry too."
Beca cleared her throat and asked again. "No, why are you … asking … me to go?" She started walking again and continued. "I already tried out. You don't need to convince me any more."
Once again Chloe stopped, leaving her hands wrapped around Beca's arm. She tilted her head and studied Beca's face. "Itold you the other day. You intrigue me." Their eyes connected. Chloe continued with sincerity. "This isn't about getting you into the Bellas. Don't get me wrong, I'm totes excited about that. I want to get to know you, Beca Mitchell."
Beca chewed on her lip for a moment, processing the thought that someone actually felt that way about her. Then she shrugged. "Ok. I'm actually starving. I couldn't eat all day worrying about that damn audition."
Chloe squealed and squeezed Beca's arm tighter. "Yay!" They turned and walked toward the parking lot.
The swirling in Beca's head had stopped, replaced by just one thought. What have I got myself into?