Future Foe Scenarios

Joey Sharkbait

2021

[Soundtrack: "Future Foe Scenarios" by Silversun Pickups]

The room is starting to spin already… why is it always like this? Even without the alcohol, I don't think I can remember how we ended up here. Or at least how I did… I get too drunk when I get depressed.

A dangerous form of self-medication. Maybe I will admit that there's more to it; maybe Kagome may be on to something, here. But, it's the middle of the week and all the girls drink for free. I looked around the long table we were sitting at by the bartender. Miroku sat merrily beside me to my left, Kagome to my right, and Inuyasha on the other side of her. Kagura sat across from me, her hands protectively placed on both sides of her beverage. I think Kagura smiled at me and my face suddenly felt hot.

You're still pretty…

At least that's what you told me a few times. And now I may tell you…

"Kagura," Her name was slurred and it almost didn't feel like I said it.

"Hmm?" Kagura set her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand, arching an eyebrow at me. That sly smile never left her features.

I giggled and looked away from her, putting a hand on my forehead. "Gimme a minute… I think…"

"You're drunk, Sango."

"And you're not." I pushed my own drink across the table toward her. "Keep up!"

The wind sorceress smirked at me. "Of all the sake joints in the world…"

I felt Miroku stir next to me. He stood up and placed his hands on my shoulders. I was happy I didn't tense for once. The monk leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. "I'll be right back."

"Ok…" I smiled as the warm feeling in my chest intensified.

The volume of the place seemed to increase; the tavern was nearly at capacity, however, there was still room to comfortably move around. Inuyasha and Kagome were in a deep conversation beside me. My head was starting to feel heavy and the underlying brooding thoughts were trying their damnedest to surface.

"Sango."

"Hmm?"

Kagura looked at me, concern in her red eyes. "You good?"

"Mmmhmm… I think so…" I looked around the room. Panic was also beginning to bubble just below my consciousness and it perplexed me to no end.

Jolly, drunken individuals surrounded me, all laughing and having a good time. I wondered if they had any idea… if they, too, were hiding anything. Running from something…? Or maybe it's just me… The smells were becoming too intense for my senses—booze and tobacco smoke were too much for me to take. I stood up and my vision shook, along with the contents of my stomach.

"Are you ok, Sango?" Kagome turned to face me.

I nodded, unable to coherently form words. I did not yet feel like throwing up but was hoping to make it to the restroom anyway. A cold splash of water would be perfect for now.

Just wake up and have a good time.

On my way to the back of the bar, I did not see Miroku anywhere. I hoped he was safe and briefly wondered if he also had too much to drink. He seemed pretty drunk already last I had seen him.

Which felt like a millennium ago.

Years… years are like stars, I suppose… I felt like in one half of my vision, I could see the years of my life flashing before me like what Kagome would call a movie from her time. Stars accompanied these, for better and worse. Exploding in my consciousness like a supernova of sake, mixed emotions, and floating. The other half of my visual field was blinded by drunken bodies and tacky décor.

Up until and including when I ran into a wall and then ran into a man around the corner.

"Sorry—excuse me, sir—"

"No worries—Sango?!"

Miroku immediately dropped his hands to his sides, shoving this rather attractive woman away from him in the process. He looked guilty as sin as I watched the remaining color drain from his face.

I couldn't believe my eyes…

I just stood there. Like I always do.

Of fucking course.

"Sango…"

I didn't know what to feel. I was sobering up now, though, against my own will. Oh, I wish now I was truly drunk. So fucking drunk. I doubt there's enough alcohol on this entire island to satiate the amount of naïve, dumbfounded rage boiling inside me right now.

I took a deep breath and held my face in my hands, trying to remain calm. The anger was coming and it was going to be remarkable and rather explosive…

"You have such a temper nowadays… save it for the battlefield."

Fuck you, Inuyasha. I love you, brother, but fuck you.

And I love you, too, Miroku… Or so I thought…

I suddenly felt a hand on my arm and it quite literally snapped me out of my furious reverie.

"MIROKU, HOW DARE YOU?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!"

"Sango—it's not what it looks like-! She approached me and how could I just be so rude—"

"No! Shut up, just shut up!"

"You're overreacting—"

"OVERREACTING?!" I lost control of my own body, it felt like. I swear I could see myself slapping him so hard across the face like I was in third person. Watching a play on a date with my own unkempt fury and bottled-up emotions. "After everything I've been through! Everything we've been through!"

Miroku rubbed the side of his face. I know it stung. A small part of me cared and wanted to cry just for him, only for him. But the larger part of myself refused to shed one goddamn tear. "Sango…"

"Is it me?! I know I'm fucked up, ok? You never had to agree to any of it… to us! You had the chance to walk away!"

"We never formally—"

"That shouldn't matter!" I wanted to strike him again but was able to refrain. I balled my fists at my sides, anxiously and angrily tapping them against my thighs. I needed to go. I needed to walk away. People were already staring, as I was becoming painfully aware.

"Sango—"

"Miroku…" I inhaled deeply and looked away from him. "I don't care if we were never formally together or not... we're DONE! I'm not doing this ever again!"

The crowded, foggy feeling was back. With panic in my veins, I shoved past Miroku and bolted through the tavern, desperate for the way out. I heard a few cries of my name as I made my exit and sprinted through the village, longing to be anywhere but here. I avoided our campsite as I ran. I didn't want to face my little brother or Shippo. I couldn't. I just needed everyone to leave me be.

I made it my destination—a cool, calm creek that I had discovered one evening after our first scouting mission out here. I immediately felt a refreshing wave of serenity envelop me. But that feeling was only a momentary lapse in time, unfortunately. I fell to my knees and cried, silently begging for the comforts of the current and her lovely songs to put me to sleep, possibly forever.

All of this… and for what?

Miroku will never change.

Or maybe he tried but it's really me… I changed.

Fucking trauma and all its demon friends… fate is so cruel to have robbed me of all this.

What did we have anyway? What could we show for it? Yes, the monk has been lovely since my return home, but something did indeed feel different. A few things. Some good and some bad.

I didn't know if it was just the alcohol or my real thoughts, but I was beginning to think that maybe we really didn't amount to much. Whatever we had created was built on abandoned wood, crumbling stones, and rooted in shared traumas and a quest for revenge. A naïve child longing for a fairytale would say that's beautiful, but I am growing old and have my doubts. Could we make it work?

I wanted him and I thought he wanted me… maybe he still does…

But what if he's not what I need… and I'm not what he needs.

What do I actually need…?

Should probably start with loving myself. I don't know that I ever really did… but loving me is hard. I finally looked up and gazed at the water, making eye contact with my defeated reflection. It was hard to get the past untangled from my present tense. Everything was external noise but it was nothing compared to the excessive chatter and preconceived notions and patterns in my mind.

Somewhere between sixteen and forever, the universe turned on me. Broken nails, paper thin promises, and self-destructive hopes keep me here, still. Blinding me and preventing me from healing, from forgiving, from loving…

It's alright…