Though the club had managed to end the day peacefully, the concern returned to Kanon's thoughts as soon as she was alone. She would have discussed it with Chisato if only Matsuo-san didn't call so soon. She thought to take a longer route home, through the park, so she could give it a little more thought. What if they get into an argument again? Whose suggestions should take priority? Tch. Everybody looked so happy. Was she perhaps the only one of them agonizing about the club right now?

Oh! She heard the sound of an orchestra from afar. Oh yes, the Orchestra Club was having their first public performance. The very last club activity before intensive review starts tomorrow. Sigh. Good for them, they got their show ahead of the School Idol Club's. Then again, this, along with the Track, was one of the orgs watched over by Miss Matsuura herself. A senior faculty, the Arts teacher if she wasn't mistaken, was club advisor to the Orchestra. Indeed, they had better whipped themselves into shape fast enough if they were to be under the eyes of the top brass.

They were all set up on an island of the park's largest pond. She took her place at the railing to listen to them just as they began to play another piece.

#6. My Own Song

She couldn't quite tell where the trouble really started. Was it Yazawa's doing? But she did have a point. They were just starting, maybe a group act was a little ambitious for now. Was she just imposing her own passion for μ's? Ah, Kanon, how could you?! she castigated herself. She became a burden on the group for her own interests. Still… They were supposed to follow in the footsteps of somebody, right?

As the band began to play a movie score, she found herself allowing the music into her troubled mind. So much the better. Maybe all she needed was a break. If her head was cleared enough she could come up with a solution much faster.

And they still have to put up with the tests on Thursday and Friday.

"Takami-san," said a lovely whisper-like voice.

"Uwah!" yelped Kanon. She turned to see Miss Matsuura right next to her! "W-When did you get here, M-Madam?"

Ren only smiled weakly. "Are you still 'Madam-ing' me after being a fellow student with me in the same school for almost two months?"

She fumbled with her words for a second and came up with, "W-Well, I, I don't even know if you're Student President or not."

She looked away. "The orchestra is better now than last year, don't you think?"

"Hm?" Last year? How could I even know? "But I was in junior high…"

"It is beautiful, isn't it?"

The mysterious lady said it so fondly, so tenderly, Kanon couldn't help but hush. Was it because the girl sounds like she was cooing to a baby all the time? "Uhm," she nodded. "The best."

An even warmer expression came over Ren. Kanon couldn't help but relax and return to listening to the orchestra with her.

A little later the band has finished their piece. In a few minutes they began to play a Chopin piece. The two girls stayed silent, immersed in the music. For some reason Kanon felt so comfortable with her right now, she can feel like she had known her for years.

"How was your first club, Takami?" she suddenly asked out of nowhere.

Kanon let her mouth hang for a second. "I was part of the Ikebana Club in junior high, but I don't remember much. I guess I wasn't really that interested."

"Are you having a great time with your three members?"

"Oh that—I… Well, we have only started, but I can see us getting along famously well."

"Isn't that what everybody says at the beginning? Cracks do form when you're with somebody long enough."

"Really? Well…"

Soft giggle. "But I can't blame you. Not after how you convinced both Watanabe-san and Yazawa-san to join forces with you and Ming-san. The first I heard of it from your class representative, I was honestly intrigued."

"…"

"I hope you can continue to do this, no matter what may crop up between you guys."

Kanon's face fell. "I don't really know, Madam. I guess we can't stop cracks from happening…." Smile. "But I've known Chi-chan since grade school.

"And Sumire-san, the very first thing I saw about her was her cracks."

Ren did not reply, wanting to let her speak just a little more.

"I'm already learning to deal with everyone, so I think I can handle it just fine."

"Yazawa-san is from a well-known family, so I can understand if she had a little pride to begin with. She is not just carrying her own, but her clan's, as well."

"Actually, I still feel me and Chi-chan don't quite measure up to her. B-But don't tell her, alright, she'll be mad at me, she's not letting herself fold before Sumire-chan. Yet, we still feel a bit insecure."

"I'm sure Yazawa-san is also insecure about being with you."

"Eh?"

"She hasn't been in showbiz for quite a while. Say what you will about how experienced she is, but she is just beginning to engage an audience same as you. Only with her, it's re-engaging, but still, all of you are at the starting line."

"She doesn't look it."

"Then why do you think she started with video streams instead of live events?"

She was speechless for a bit. "Well, because that's the fad these days?"

"She wasn't an internet figure to begin with. I have seen a lot of showbiz personalities who went live before going online. Not the other way around."

"…"

"Don't you think it's just her way of testing the waters with the public? For one, to see if anybody still remembers her."

"Yazawa started half a dozen YouTube channels each with a different tack," Chisato once said.

"If you're really confident about yourself, you'll stick out your neck for just one talent you're sure you can rock, right Non-chi?"

Suddenly she felt a little sorry for Sumire. But… whatever. Next. "I also feel a little pressure not to disappoint Kuu-chan. I mean, she came all the way from Shanghai hoping to be an idol, and I don't want to let her down."

"She does not want to disappoint you, too, I'm sure." Suddenly, she heaved a cute, long sigh in frustration. "Takami-san, can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? All of you are the same. So don't hold back with one another. Be a club. Alright?"

Kanon took her hands. "I-I'm so so sorry, Madam! I promise, I'll remember everything you said."

"…"

"You don't really have to worry, Madam, we'll do our best. We are just about to make our first concert, but we'll pull through."

Ren smiled warmly at her. "I'm glad to hear that. I suppose we can talk about you now."

She let go and drew back as with one who touched an electric fence. "Heh?! Me? W-What gives?"

"Why are you surprised? Do you think I will leave out the leader of the club?"

"Wait, I'm not the leader. We get things running without any. Well, I do preside over our meetings… B-But that doesn't mean—"

"You should be able to make progress on yourself personally."

"Progress…?"

"You won't go very far if you keep borrowing others' feelings," said Ren. "It is your own heart you must attune yourself to. Not even your closest friends can understand you all the time."

Kanon fell silent for a moment. She had to agree; Chi-chan can be pretty dense sometimes. But, "Is that even possible? I mean, borrowing feelings. Can I read thoughts or something?"

"It is my understanding that a song is a piece of a person's heart. 'Music is the language of the soul,' after all."

Oh. So Miss Matsuura is telling her to write an original song? "I… I'm not very good at composing, honestly," she said sheepishly.

"You may start with lyrics."

Kanon hung her head. "You should see my Japanese grades in junior high. I can't even write a good enough essay."

"You can if you feel strongly enough about something."

"My life isn't dramatic."

"Then find a little time for peace and quiet. Maybe it will come to you in a flash." Kanon was about to speak up again, but she put her finger on the girl's lips, well, not quite touching it. "Now don't make any more excuses, alright? I'm counting on you."

Kanon looked at Ren and once again saw how lithe and graceful her form and her bearing were. The heiress, the ace student who can achieve anything and talked about only in awed whispers. She couldn't help but let a whisper of her own slip through. "You don't understand, Madam. I am not you."

Ren reached out and rubbed her head tenderly. "That's what you think, Takami-san." She nodded. "I'll be off now."

And she passed her by. As she was walking away she said, "Your club can't cover songs forever. Start the trend with yourself, Miss Leader."

Miss Leader herself felt helpless watching Miss Mysterious drift away. "What about Sumire-chan?"

Just then, she suddenly remembered something. "Oh, the envelope!' She hastily rummaged in her bag and found it tucked in her English notebook. But Matsuura was gone. "Aggggh! I should have returned it already!" She slumped over the railing and wailed whilst the orchestra began to pack up.

Wednesday. The classes were brutally thorough in all sorts of memorization and recitation. People here and there were squeezing in textbooks and copious notes into their lunch breaks, careful not to stain any of their things, pressuring those who did not to feel anxious whether they were doing enough to pass the tests. Kanon was one of them, and she resolved to use all of her time to dive into her books as soon as she got home.

Later she decided she won't wait till she got home. She sat in their empty clubroom (everyone else went on ahead) poring over page after endless page, and feeling none the wiser for it. Nonetheless, she went on until it got dark and she had to leave the school premises.

"Those who fail these tests will have to attend a rigorous refresher class next Saturday," Ren had announced over the P.A., "which will last from afternoon till evening. Everybody, please do your best."

So Miss Matsuura had heard of their concert schedule. She must have wanted to make sure we were going to be appropriate role models, mused Kanon heaving her bagful of study material, making her way through the busy Shibuya sidewalk. Gah, I could use a breather right now, she thought passing by the inviting stairway leading into Tokyu Plaza. If only—!

She arrived home just as her mother was clearing the tables and preparing the close the shop. "Tadaimaaaa…"

"Kanon, dear, I left you dinner in your room," Maman said, "you can go down to reheat if you want."

Entering her room, she found the meal on her table, covered. Where am I going to put my books?! she thought ruefully. She dropped her bag with a thud, and a second later, she herself sank to the floor, leaning against her bed.

She couldn't bring herself to hoist herself up onto bed, stuck to the floor like a murder victim wallowing in her own blood. "I still got three textbooks to go," she muttered as though she had a sympathetic ear with her right now—just saying it felt absolutely necessary, anyway, listener or no. Besides, Chi-chan was her classmate and she was definitely suffering the exact same ordeal. She didn't always pick up the phone in the easiest of times, so why must she do it now?

"Peace and quiet, huh?" she mumbled resentfully. The straight-A school noblewoman is certainly enjoying hers at this very moment. Insensitive, entitled brat. What does she actually know about what she was saying? "I'm not you, Madam, I'm not you," was the last thing she heard before nodding off, whether she actually said it or was just a figment of her thoughts she wasn't entirely sure.

The weekend Kanon spent at home recovering her strength from the exhausting midterms, though she was able to discuss the song lineup with the team over the phone on Sunday evening. They agreed on an initial list of songs they are to practice this coming week, three duets, a solo each for Kuku and Sumire, and one group song.

Monday and Tuesday they focused on the duo and solo acts first. After that they'll have to discuss the following day what to do in case any of them didn't make the cut.

Wednesday. It came. The results were posted at the entrance to the gymnasium. Eighty percent of the student body has passed, albeit most of them barely. Ren had asked the faculty to make the tests a little more difficult. All four of them passed, however. The others got decent scores. Kanon just narrowly escaped defeat.

"Wahhhh…" wailed one of Kanon and Chisato's classmates who failed. "I won't see you in your concert best." She grabbed hold of Chisato by the collar and demanded, "Sing louder so it will reach me in the review room, alright?!"

The gang decided to savor their victory by giving themselves a break for the day from club. Sumire just treated everybody to some gelato and they went their separate ways.

The sky was gloomy, and it was a windy day, but there was no rain. The weather was so cool and refreshing. There weren't that many people walking in Shibuya now. Ren's admonition for her to make her own song had weighed in at the back of Kanon's mind even in the middle of the exam, and now that nothing's in the way, it quickly dominated her thoughts as soon as she was alone.

She visited a nail café to relax for a bit.

There were few customers in the café when she arrived. Manmosu was asleep. There was nobody at the bar for the moment. She went up to her room and closed the door gently, and then threw herself onto bed.

Everything is so peaceful. She felt sorry for complaining against Ren and Maman the other day. So, can she finally focus on her song now? Her body felt so light. Soft wind noises were filtering in through the little gap in the window. It didn't feel like Tokyo at all.

She reached out her hand to the ceiling and examined her beautifully slender fingers. The nails were so well done, so pink, like a newborn's. She giggled softly to herself. She's probably going to sing about how nice it feels to be fresh out of the salon.

About fifteen minutes later she was sound asleep.

スーパースターズ! GO!

Thursday. The practice lasted until about seven P.M., although Chisato went on without them after six to catch up to work. The whole session proceeded well, and she was home before eight, right after the café had closed for the day, but she was surprised to find the bar still lit with some of the menu being laid out. Mama was feeding Manmosu.

"Chisato-san said she'll drop by after work," she explained. So Kanon settled right there in her uniform. A shower before bed will be nice.

She waited in silence whilst Maman cleaned the owl-themed mugs. It is in this silence, of course, that the issue of her own song came to the forefront again.

"Mamaita," she said, "you were a singer back in the day, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"Did you ever try writing your own song?"

"Hm? Well, I did make a song, I just don't remember if I finished it."

"What inspired you to make one?"

"Well, your father was wooing me already and I was about to give in, and I thought to dedicate the song to our new relationship."

"Hueh?!" said Kanon in disbelief. "You're actually telling me to have a beau before I can write a song?"

She turned round and brightened up. "Are you going to write one, dearie? That's just wonderful."

"Urrrrgh. Somebody just suggested it to me."

Mama laughed. "It's not about having a beau per se, but the special bonds you feel with somebody close to your heart."

"…"

"I'm sure you have your friends, am I right?"

Well, I've been with Chi-chan for long enough, I'm pretty sure we've had a great bond, and I never even thought of composing a single verse of poetry about her. Or is it… maybe we aren't really close enough?

"Take your time writing your song, dear. I'm sure it will come to you one day."

Sigh. It's that unhelpful piece of advice to "wait" again. Everybody's expecting her to somehow find a random song writing itself on the wall. Is that really the way forward?

Chisato finally arrived shortly before nine. She was pretty tired, and went straight to eating while Kanon absently stirred her choco-latte. She then got into an animated conversation with Kanon's Mom while petting the owl. She was still petting the owl when Mama retired for the night, and Kanon was still stirring the latte.

"Non-chi," she said looking Manmosu over, "I thought I saw some fleas in there. Are you giving this thing a bath?"

"…"

"Kanon…?" That's odd. She's been kinda like this the whole day. Kanon is quite good at hiding her mood from the public, reciting and answering workbooks silently like any studious girl would. But her "word count," that is, how often she spoke, whether to her or their classmates (a metric only she cared to rate), was way less than usual. Something's up. She was pretty sure she wasn't sick, though.

"Non-chi?" said Chisato. "Hey, say something!"

"Eh? Uh… Chi-chan?"

"You're a little quiet today. Did something happen?"

Kanon regarded her with surprise for a moment. She had expected this would be a wholly private affair. "N-Nothing… I feel a bit off this morning. Maybe I should have stayed home for today."

"You're home now and you're still glum, chum."

"…"

"Are you still worried about the team?"

"Um… When are we practicing the group song?"

"Heh? Well…" Sigh. "If I can convince Sumire-chan, we'll give over Friday for just that song. Our other acts are pretty polished now, anyway."

Weak nod. "That's nice…"

Chisato wasn't convinced. She went right next to Kanon and sat down to her level. "Miss Matsuura talked to you again. Am I right?"

"Huah—!"

She was speechless. She quickly thought to come up with a fine excuse, but her mouth already hung open, giving her away.

Chisato took her friend's shoulders. "Why did you keep it from me? I told you not to face her alone, didn't I?"

Well, yeah, but you were also the first to forget about the whole thing. Remember the noppo you risked life and limb for? I just came from the office that time. Sigh. "No, it's not that I'm actually in trouble with her this time, so I didn't think you'll have to help me."

"Kanon," she growled.

So she had to spill everything on the spot. The conversation with Matsuura, and the conversation with Mama.

"…. And we'd known each other for so long," Kanon said. "Frustrating, isn't it?"

Chisato only shrugged. "We probably just don't have special experiences together."

"Our training at the park was the closest we had to a special experience." She pursed her lips in thought. "Maybe… Maybe it's special enough, don't you think?"

"So you saying we need more of it? But we must focus on our club activities."

"I think we should be a circle of friends first before we go club. It will be more, you know, natural that way. More organic."

Chisato suppressed a laugh at her friend using her catchword against her. "Clubs and friends go together, you know! Give it a shot! Do tell me when you finish the song, too, alright?"

And they got down to finishing the meal. Just then, Chi-chan remembered something. "Wait," she said taking her phone out, "I think I have something in here." She searched for a picture and found it. "Phew!" she said in relief. "It's so old I thought it'd been erased."

"What is?"

"You told me you never made any verse about me, right? I think this was after I slapped you with an octopus."

"Heh?! You did that...?"

"Moh, you're growing old so fast!" She showed her the image. It was of a piece of paper where a sixth-grader Kanon had written out a short poem. About how she wanted her and Chi-chan to grow old and stay friends.

Chisato smirked as Kanon got flustered. "Someone needs to relearn cheesiness. Heehee…"

Sumire wouldn't admit it to herself, but she was worried, as well.

Kanon and Chisato insisted on practicing the group song, which had a dance sequence, even if the concert was tomorrow already. The results were half-baked, at least for her standards. She was especially concerned about the dance steps. They can't afford to slip up on that, as it can have very physical consequences.

The high-end laptop which she used for editing her video streams was actually borrowed from Uncle Kiyoshi. But today she was in no mood to video herself or even polish some of the vids she already made last week. The issue of the group act weighed on her. She was on her phone right now checking the comments on her channel uploads, hoping to wear the worry away before she got down to actually tinkering with the PC, which was still staring at her with the bright light of the home screen. A little later it went into hibernate mode, and Sumire was still checking her phone.

A knock came on the door, to which she said, "Come in." Uncle Kiyoshi appeared and checked her room. Everything is in order, his niece was chilling in bed, but the red light was blinking on the idle PC.

"Aren't you using the laptop? I'll have that for my magazine draft if you don't mind."

"Uh, w-wait, I'll be at my desk in a moment."

Yet she was still lying down. "You don't look it."

"I'm just bloated from the chocolate, is all."

The man made a small face of disbelief. "If you're bloated, you should get some rest right away. Staring into a phone like that is exhausting to the eyes."

"It's going away. I promise."

Uncle knew better. You having a hard time adjusting to a team?"

"Eh?! What made you say that?"

"Hm? Well… You were coming home later these days, of course I'd assume a club."

Sigh. "It's nothing. Just some girls…" Gah, what's the use? She put away the phone and gazed at the ceiling. "I guess it was a fine experiment. Won't hurt to branch out my experience to help my career." She looked at him meaningfully. "I guess I'll just keep teaching my clubmates for a bit and then I'll go solo again."

Laugh. "Teach? By the sound of it, you must be having a little snag."

"It's not funny, Uncle."

"Why do you have to put up with other people?" said Uncle. "You can just keep doing your own thing."

She huffed. "I'm in a group, I can't just up and do that."

"Oh yes, you can. Insist on it. They'll get the memo. You'll all just have to adjust to the situation."

"…"

"You just had your career back, remember?"

Sumire's forehead creased. Well, uh-huh…

"Are you letting others have the better of you just when you're about to shine again?"

No, Uncle, it's not exactly that, she thought to say. They are really nice people, actually. However… yeah, she's got to do something about the group dance. Yes. She's the only one who can moves things forward.

Saturday has finally arrived.

Much of the preparation the club spent looking over and trying their costumes, which Sumire had handpicked for the occasion.

"Suugoiiiii!" fawned Kuku over and over.

"Sumire-chan's really a fashion pro!" said Chisato.

Sumire, who should have been posing smugly at this moment, was still quiet.

"Arigatou, Sumire-chan!" smiled Kanon at her.

She smiled weakly, and still remained silent. And she just let them revel in their putfits a little more. Next time, she thought, we should be doing a proper dress rehearsal.

Nonetheless, the tension and excitement only got more intense the closer they got to the time of the show, especially seeing the sound and lights staff busy setting up the stage. And yet, Sumire was able to squeeze in a little meeting.

Kanon and Chisato were baffled. Drop the group song? But they just rehearsed it yesterday. "We must show the audience only the best," said Sumire. A group song is going to be our biggest performance. Will you risk a gaffe there?"

Chisato was deep in thought for a moment. She did underestimate the time needed to properly learn the sequence. They even forget some of the lyrics occasionally.

"Sumire-chan's right," conceded Kanon. "We also don't have the time to discuss this. Alright, let's (leave it out). Maybe we'll return to it later."

Maybe. Chisato looked at her in surprise for a moment. Kanon looked her in the eye. She's right, there's no time to discuss it now. Chisato nodded hesitantly in assent.

Kuku's face went hard. She had looked forward to precisely this performance. "We can still do it, guys. We can do anything. Don't worry, we'll make it! I just know that!"

She was met with worried stares from the others.

"Guys…?"

"Kuu-chan," explained Kanon, "the whole team is at risk."

"…"

"You must learn to make adjustments, Kuu-chan," said Sumire. "You got a solo. Focus on it."

Kuku looked confused for a moment, but, unable to come up with anything better, finally nodded in resignation. The girls breathed sighs of relief.

"I'm so glad we can all actually agree on something!" beamed Kanon.

The time has arrived. With the matter of the group song out of the way, the School Idol Club marched up the stage with fresh confidence and positivity, waving at the wild applause of the crowd.

"Mina-san!"

The crowd cheered again, waving flaglets and penlights in lieu of the glowsticks they have seen on TV concerts… save for a few who actually had glowsticks. Others just waved the lit screens of their phones.

What neither the performers nor the audience, nor even the staff, knew was that someone was recording the show from some way behind the crowd. It was easy for the cameraman to zoom in on the four girls. The live feed went straight to a bedroom TV screen, in high definition, at a stately residence right next to the school.

"These girls look promising," remarked Ren's mother, who was sitting on a rattan chair directly fronting the screen.

"Okaa-san, are you alright with that?" She adjusted the brightness. "You'll hurt your eyes."

"It's alright, just this once. I won't see something like this again in a long time, I reckon."

Ren looked at her worriedly for a moment, and then sighed. "Perhaps." She knew she was the one who told mother about these young ladies. She turned the brightness back up and took her place standing next to her mother.

The performance has since started and they were now in the middle of their second act.

"…"

The show went on.

Something's missing.

Something really, really big is missing.

Ren couldn't believe her eyes and her ears. Is that all? There was nothing but duets and solos. Everyone had gone their own way.

Mom's eyes were fixed to the screen, but they were more of staring blankly at an uninteresting view than actually seeing them perform. Something's definitely going through her head right now.

"What do you think you're doing?" hissed Ren under her breath. "You guys… Is this how you really want it?"

She clenched a trembling fist.

"You think you can actually go anywhere?"

ED Song

i-n-g, I TRY!

Lyrics: Aki Hata; Composition and Arrangement: Takeshi Masuda

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Next Time! #7. Our Feelings