Chapter 31: The Weight of the World

The two women spent the first solid minute of their reunion hugging. For once, Nora squeezed Hange just as fiercely back, her cheek pressed against the uninjured side of her friend's face, and she didn't care that they were both sweaty, and she didn't care that Hange's shirt was stained with blood and soot.

"How the fuck are we both still alive?" Nora said when they separated, giving a faint shake of her head—which she quickly regretted. The world kept spinning even when she stopped; she was still incredibly dizzy.

Hange gave her a weak smile. "That's a rhetorical question, right?"

"Yeah. Levi brought me up to date. He…" Nora hesitated. "He wasn't all too pleased with me."

"Is that so?" The brow over Hange's unbandaged eye lifted. "How did you get him to leave your side?"

"What?" Nora frowned, thinking of the burning fury in his silver eyes—and how it had given way to a stony mask once he'd told her he had made her the Colossal. How he had been there, with her and for her, but also maintained his distance. "He was eager enough to leave on his own..."

"Really..." Hange's expression was contemplative. "He definitely wasn't while you were unconscious. The man didn't move an inch." She threw a look over her shoulder. "Though he hasn't gotten far, I suppose." Levi was standing with the rest of their comrades further along the Wall, still within shouting distance. Occasionally, his head would turn towards where they were sitting.

Nora didn't want to think about this right now. It only gave her a headache.

She took in Hange's bandaged face. "Your eye…" She swallowed against the tightness in her throat, averting her gaze. "And your squad, and Moblit. And Erwin, and everyone… I don't even know what to say."

"I know. And I'm sorry for what you've been through." Hange reached out and squeezed her hand. "I'm not sorry Levi made that choice, though. I want you to know that."

Nora's brows drew together. This didn't make sense. "What choice? Was he supposed to let the injection and the opportunity to obtain Bertolt's powers go to waste?"

Hange was silent for a beat. "Well, crap. That's typical. He hasn't told you about Erwin?"

"What are you talking about? He told me Erwin died in the frontal assault, so Levi could ambush the Beast Titan while it was distracted."

"That's all?"

"Yes." A sense of unease was building in Nora's chest. "What's going on, Hange?"

"Dammit. You'd find out the truth soon enough, and you deserve to know…" Hange sighed, seeming to brace herself. "Levi failed to mention that Erwin didn't die immediately after… being fatally injured. He was brought to him by that one recruit who survived the charge—Floch—still alive. Just barely." She paused, drawing in a steady breath. "And that was before he used the injection on you."

"No." Nora's first reaction was immediate, even as her mind went numb. "No. That can't be right." She must have understood something wrong; there was no way he'd let the commander die if there was any possibility…

"I'm sorry, but it is," Hange said before Nora had a chance to make any sense of this, "It was Levi's decision, his alone, and he made it. And to be completely honest with you; he barely even hesitated."

Nora was stunned into silence, the thoughts racing and tumbling in her mind as she struggled to process what her friend had just told her.

Was that it? Was he angry because she had made him choose? Because, due to her actions, he couldn't save Erwin? But then, Levi could—and should—have chosen him in the first place. Had she been in any state to talk, Nora would have been the first to tell him so.

And it wasn't as if she'd had any better options. He must know that. Admittedly, doing what she had done would have been a lot harder had she thought he and Hange were still in this world. In the end, though, she would have tried anyways.

The question was just how far she would have gone.

Not that it mattered. It was done. Even if he despised her, now, for her reckless yet necessary actions; there was no telling what would have happened to the rest of the squad had she not gone through with it.

"Shit." Nora pressed her palms against her eyes. "Why'd Levi do that? It's Erwin. Shit."

"What do you think, why?" Hange shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. "The man is head over heels in love with you, you blockhead."

"But…" Nora's voice faltered. She could not comprehend, could not believe what she had just heard.

Whatever it was they had been doing outside of duty, over the past months, had been about more than just sex—for him, too. They might never have verbally committed to anything—there wasn't really space for something like that in their life and neither of them had been inclined to discuss it—but that much she knew to be true with every fibre of her being. She had one piece of evidence adorning her neck, even. They were, or had been… something.

But it was Levi, for fuck's sake—stoic, cool and calculating on the battlefield. A soldier through and through, whenever he needed to be. Highly independent and purposeful. Always keeping his emotions in check in favour of rationality. Well, almost always.

"No. That doesn't make any sense," Nora stammered, "He wouldn't—he shouldn't—"

"You didn't see him," Hange insisted, "You didn't see his face when he was kneeling next to you; burnt and disfigured so badly you were barely recognisable—dying. At first, we thought you were already dead…" Hange's voice hitched, and she rubbed at her eye. "And you didn't see him afterwards, when we got you back, and he pulled you out of your titan."

The immensity, the finality of this decision—what it meant for her and all of them—came crashing down on Nora, making it hard to breathe. "I should be dead. Fuck, we need Erwin. Humanity needs Erwin."

This was an irrefutable truth, and yet, she was still here—because of Levi.

He had pulled her out of her titan. That small detail affected her deeply, somehow. Just like Hange said, she hadn't seen him, or any of it. Nora only knew the unbelievable shit she had been told; that he had brought her back, let his dear friend—the brilliant strategist and commander of the Survey Corps—die, and had pulled her out of a sodding titan, afterwards.

Who else? He's been saving me every day, she thought, at the same time as, what the ever-living fuck.

"It makes no sense," Nora repeated, shocked and overwhelmed and out of her depth and straight up panicking, "Levi always does what's necessary, no matter how… how hard it is."

"You know better than anyone the man isn't made of stone, regardless of what it looks like from the outside." Hange leaned closer, her voice ringing with conviction. "And there's more. Levi said Erwin deserved to rest, that he didn't deserve to—" She hesitated. "—to carry this burden, after all he's had to do in his years as commander. And Levi isn't wrong, and he certainly isn't lying, but we both know this wasn't the main reason." Hange's gaze was heavy and meaningful. "After all, he couldn't let you rest."

Nora's head was pounding, the world spinning once again. "I just don't understand…" It was all too much; what she had become, what Levi had done and his possible reasons, how he'd behaved, earlier… Unapproachable and cold, angry and sad at once.

Had he done that for Erwin, mainly, or for her? And did he regret it, already? The man who never seemed to regret anything?

"If it's anything at all like you say, then why would he be so…" Nora averted her eyes to the pendant she was twisting back and forth in her hand. "Usually, I feel like I understand him better than anyone else does—maybe even himself, on occasion—and that he, in turn, understands me better than I do, sometimes. We just… get each other, know each other, truly, to our very essence." She immediately cringed as the words spilled out of her; she'd never given voice to these highly personal thoughts. But Hange's expression was open and thoughtful, and she gave a sympathetic nod, so Nora finished what she had meant to say. "And then there are times like this, where I don't understand at all what's going on in his head."

"I guess only Levi can tell you." Faint amusement crept into the serious tone of Hange's voice. "And the man really should, because you obviously won't believe it from anyone else."

Nora only shook her head, dropping the subject. Thinking about this now would amount to nothing aside from driving her mental. If he didn't want her anymore, she'd find out soon enough, she supposed, no matter the reason; either because of his decision, or hers, or both, or whatever else. And if he resented her now…

It would fucking break her.

So, she did her best to shove the issue, and him, into a back corner of her mind. Instead, she contemplated what the hell she was supposed to do, going forth, with that immense responsibility thrust upon her.

She wasn't up to it.

"Fuck." Panic twisted her stomach into a tight knot. "No matter what I'll do, all of us might be doomed—because I live, and Erwin doesn't."

Hange sighed. "You're important, too, Nora. You're valuable. Not just to Levi and me, but as a soldier. No one can replace Erwin, but neither could anyone replace you." Hange squeezed her knee, making Nora look back up again. "We're in the same boat now, you and I. You live, and you're the Colossal, instead of Erwin. And I am commander, now. So we both will just have to try our damnedest, and do what we can do, right? We'll help each other out, okay?" And she smiled her warm smile, despite the bloodied bandage over her destroyed eye, despite everything that had happened and everything that might be coming for them. "None of this is your fault, and it wasn't your decision. So don't you dare hate yourself for it."

#

The small group of four—Hange, Levi, Eren and Mikasa—was ready to depart for Grisha's basement half an hour later.

Nora was sitting on her makeshift bed legs crossed, fiddling with the blanket in her lap. She looked up when a pair of booted feet entered her peripheral vision and a shadow fell over her. Levi was staring her down with sullen, tired eyes.

"Wanna come, too?" he asked, surprising her enough she didn't react immediately.

"Uh… Yes," she said, although she was unsure how she would feel if she stood up. Well, only one way to find out.

Her legs wobbled, and as soon as she was upright, a violent wave of nausea hit her. Nora waited two seconds, inhaling through her nose. It didn't help. Levi was watching her with a frown. She couldn't see anything other than his face; the edges of her vision were frayed, slowly blackening. Her ears were ringing.

Maybe it would go away once her body had gotten used to the change in position. Yes, the dizziness was bound to get better, eventually. She managed exactly two steps before everything went black and silent.

A moment later, when she could see and hear and feel again, she found herself halfway collapsed to the ground; Levi's hard, unyielding arms around her ribcage. He must have caught her fall.

"I think I'm still a bit dizzy," Nora said weakly.

"Tsk. You should have said that right away, stubborn brat." He lowered her back onto her bedroll, gentler than his tone of voice would suggest. "Lie down. And fucking stay that way." Somehow, he managed to sound crude, irritated and indifferent all at once.

He straightened and called for Armin, sitting close by and preparing a simple meal. The others were occupied with preparations for the journey back or keeping watch.

"While we're away, keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't do something stupid again," Levi commanded when Armin joined them.

"Yes sir." Her young squad mate sat down next to her.

Something stupid, again—seriously? Nora's temper flared. He had made her second in command, and she had only tried her damnedest to live up to it, tried to make the best out of a hopeless situation. And she wasn't a fucking child; she was a soldier, if an injured one, but she was sensible enough to rest, now that she knew how faint she was still feeling.

"I don't need a babysitter," she hissed, scowling at their captain from her disadvantageous position, lying on her back uselessly, "What do you think I'm going to do? Jump off the bloody Wall?"

Levi's eyes were like knifes. "Maybe. Seeing as you don't have any more Thunder Spears to blow yourself up with."

For a moment, Nora was at a loss for words. From the corner of her eye, she saw Armin flinch.

Now that was way below the belt. And the worst part; his anger was still vastly preferable over his outward indifference.

"You—you—" She was too furious to even think of a proper swearword to throw at him. It took great effort to restrain herself and phrase a civil reply, instead, and she only managed due to Hange's unfathomable words echoing in the back of her head. "You must know I didn't have much of a choice."

Levi's jaw clenched. "I'm aware." He was silent for a few seconds; somehow, it seemed like her reaction had caught him off guard. "Be that as it may; Armin won't let you out of his sight until I'm back, and that's that." His voice was cutting and final, as condescending as his order.

Nora's restraint only reached so far—she was boiling inside. "If I am to stay put, I will fucking stay put—so that's absolutely unnecessary."

"That's my decision to make, not yours."

"Great—not like it's the first time, today." It was out before she could think better of it.

His eyes turned to cold steel. "Precisely."

Judging by his reaction and the iciness of his voice, he must have known that she'd already found out.

They glared at each other, the silence between them heavy and tense. No—only Nora glared. Levi had retreated behind his infuriating, stony mask.

When he spoke again, his voice was controlled, emotionless, assertive. "As long as I'm gone and you're too weak to even stand on your own, let alone use your shitty brain properly, Armin's in charge." The boy twitched as his name fell; round, blue eyes darting back and forth between the two. "Got it?"

Nora feared she'd lose her composure if she answered. Fury and humiliation burned hotly in her cheeks. She wanted to cuss him out. She wanted to pummel his chest with her fists and demand answers. Tell him that if he wanted to be an abrasive ass to her, he should at least tell her why.

She wanted him back.

Levi turned without another word and left, joining Hange, Eren and Mikasa at the edge of the Wall. His fists were clenched at his sides. He was the last to jump off.

When he was gone, Nora's already frantic heartrate picked up tenfold. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

"Shit," she hissed, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes until tiny dots burst across the blackness of her vision, until the moisture in her eyes wasn't threatening to spill anymore.

She blinked her eyes open, turning to Armin, remembering belatedly he had witnessed the argument.

Way to go. Not awkward at all.

Armin was sitting cross-legged at an arm's length from her, watching her helplessly, worrying his lip with his teeth. The skin on his face was raw and red, as if he had really bad sunburn. The hands in his lap were bandaged.

"I'm sorry," Nora managed around the lump in her throat, "You got burned because you dragged my nasty almost-corpse away from the Colossal." Now that was something one wouldn't expect to ever say about themselves.

Armin shook his head vigorously. "It's nothing—really. It'll heal without problems. It would have been much worse for me if you hadn't—" He broke off. "It was the least I could do."

"Glad there's at least two people who aren't… angry with me." Nora bit her lip. She lived, and the commander was dead. And everyone here knew it.

"No one's angry with you," Armin said firmly, "You saved us, back there. We're happy you're still with us." He paused, his thoughtful eyes on her face. "And I don't think the captain's angry with you, either."

Nora barked a short, humourless laugh. "You were here just a minute ago, weren't you?"

"I think he's afraid."

"What?" She sat up slowly and carefully, bracing herself on her hands. She was tired, she was sad, she was weak, and grief was starting to sink its claws into her gut. She had enough of this complicated, awful, shitty day, and enough of uncertainty. "You aren't making sense. The battle is over."

Armin did not provide an immediate explanation. He glanced over his shoulder, as if he feared their conversation could be overheard. Then, he inched closer, talking under his breath. "When Captain Levi found us… And saw you…" He hesitated, looking everywhere but at her. "I... I think he cried. I'm quite sure actually, but it was hard to see with all that blood on his face." His eyes went wide. "Please don't mention to him I told you that."

Nora's heart seemed to have stopped somewhere in Armin's little speech. Probably around the word 'cried'. It stuttered back to life violently, bringing with it another wave of dizziness.

Awesome. As if she hadn't been confused enough already.

Just how many brain-fucking things could happen in a single day?

#

She shouldn't have asked herself that question—not before the basement.

The sun was setting, so there wasn't much time for Nora and the others to pore over the three books Grisha had left. What she couldn't read, herself, before their departure, Hange promised to tell her on the journey back.

While the others readied the few horses that were left—still double their number—Nora sat on her makeshift bed, the truth of the world spread out before her crossed legs. Instead of reading, however, she was watching Levi, standing nearby on the edge of the Wall and keeping an eye on the grounds below them.

With an ache in her chest, she thought of Hange's words, and of Armin's, and of Levi's conflicting behaviour—completely at odds with their assessments and his decision.

He didn't look afraid. He never did—and yet, only the night before the last, he had told her that he was.

This was the one opportunity to say something to him without anyone overhearing.

Nora was acutely aware of the jewellery around her neck, and of their argument, earlier. It had been ugly and hurtful—even for their standards—and the thought of leaving things between them like this for who knew how long made her physically ill. Unable to stand it any longer, she opened her mouth before even knowing what she was going to say.

"Levi." He turned to look at her, with that closed, guarded expression. "I know everything's shit right now and we'll probably get annihilated by a whole fucking nation in the future…" The word was foreign on her tongue. She hesitated under his blank scrutiny, squirming in her seat. She took a breath, and her next sentence spilled out in one quick rush of air. "But I'm still glad you gave me this necklace."

It seemed like such a stupid thing to say, felt like a plump, thinly veiled metaphor, but it was all she could bring over her lips. Because—what if Hange and Armin had been wrong? What if Levi just wanted her to fuck off and leave him in peace, after all, after everything?

He was silent for several excruciating seconds, and she deeply envied him for his expressionless mien.

"Nutcase." He turned away again, hiding his face from her. His voice was low and soft, barely audible. "It's yours, always—if you want it or not."

The moment stayed with her all the way back to Rose.

#

The crowd was cheering at the return of the remaining ten soldiers of the Survey Corps, bringing news of Wall Maria's successful reclamation.

Victory had never felt so hollow.

But then, they did not have much experience with it.

The ride back had been largely uneventful. Being such a small group, they'd made fast progress, travelling through the night on horseback.

She and Levi hadn't talked, then. He'd been constantly by her side, however, riding close by, all the way to Trost. They were only ten, so it had almost seemed like a coincidence.

Almost.

Nora's hand had strayed to the pendant underneath her collar multiple times.

Hers, always, if she wanted or not.

The insinuation behind that last half-sentence was beyond absurd. Even more so than assuming she'd one day wake up not wishing to breathe the air outside the Walls.

A small flicker of hope flickered back to life in her chest, warm and bright like the flame of a candle under her palm; a sliver of tenacious heat amidst the cold cruelty of the truth of the world.

She had found something even better than freedom, and maybe she hadn't lost it, yet.

And why did that thought feel familiar to her?

AN: This was a tough one. Editing was a real bitch, I have to say, and I would probably continue if it wasn't Tuesday already.

I know this wasn't all pleasant, but I did my best to do the characters and the difficult situation justice. Nora and Levi are far from perfect, but they might just work through it—in their own, socially inept way. After all, the two have perfected their weirdly direct-yet-indirect style of bickering/banter/communication.

Enough of that. There's another thing I have to address, seeing as there have been several lovely commenters expressing curiosity about my approach to Season 4 or future plot points in general. At the start of this story, I mentioned that it would cover the first three seasons. And this is still the case; this will end at the sea, at an estimated 37 or 38 chapters.

HOWEVER—I am considering doing a sequel. A fix-it, of sorts; rolling with and elaborating on the changes I made in here and therefore obviously canon-divergent. I would take a bit of a different direction, explore other parts and possibilities of the canon more deeply. With Levi and Nora as the mains, of course—and their relationship would certainly be explored further, as well. And who knows how else the whole conflict could have been resolved…

Anyways, I wanted to let you know where this may be going, as of now. If it continues to itch me, if I wanna do it, I'll probably say fuck it all and just go through with it. That said, if that sounds like something you'd like to read, I would be happy if you let me know, whenever you may read this. I won't lie; it would be a motivating factor.