Chapter 59

Ana

"You just need to be fully honest with him. No more chambers of secrets."

"I know."

"And you're not less of a mom or a wife if you choose not to have any more."

"I know."

"Are you nervous?"

"Not… exactly. Just not excited to talk about it. But I don't want to keep him in the dark, and I think it will be good for us."

It's late afternoon, a few hours until my session with Christian tonight, and I'm on the phone with Kate. I've been trying to calm myself down all day, but the nerves keep creeping back in, and in an effort to stop being a human fortress, I called reinforcements. You don't have to do everything alone.

"I'm proud of you. You're doing the right thing for both of you, even though talking about it might be brutal. But you probably should have talked about it, like, before your daughter was almost three."

I laugh once. "I know, I know. Better late than never, I guess. Besides, this is Ana and Christian 2.0. We do things like talking now. It's very novel."

"I gotta say, Christian 2.0 ain't a bad dude, as much as it pains me to say it. But the fact that I actually had fun with him at a bar feels like an alternate universe."

"It feels like an alternate universe to be hearing it."

"Mommy?" Teddy wanders into the living room where I'm laying on the couch.

I smile at him and hold up a finger. "I gotta go, Kate. Teddy needs me. Thanks for everything. Say bye to Aunt Kate?"

"Bye, Aunt Kate! Love you!" he yells.

"Bye, my favorite Teddy bear! Bye, Ana. Love you guys."

"Love you, too." I set my phone outside and sit up, holding out my arms. "What's up, my love?"

"Is Daddy coming home?" he asks quietly.

Alarm bells start going off in my head. "Daddy and I are going to see our friend Eric, the one you met, and then we're both coming home after that. Why do you ask?"

"Just checking." He climbs into my laps and buries his face in my chest.

I remember Christian's admission last night, that Teddy had a dream about Daddy not coming back… he hasn't actually told me himself, but now seems like a good time to reassure him. "Teddy bear… Daddy lives with us all the time now. Just like before. He's not going anywhere."

He lifts his head and looks at me. "I thought you slept in the same bed."

"We do."

"You weren't there yesterday."

"I just had to get up early, sweetie. Everything is still the same, I promise."

He lays his head back down. "I had a dream and I was looking for you and you weren't there, just Daddy."

"I'm sorry, honey. I forgot to tell you that I had to leave early before you went to sleep. I should have. But there will always be one of us here, you'll never be alone, okay?"

He's quiet for a minute, and I just stroke his hair, allowing him to gather his thoughts. "Do you know why Daddy left? He said he still loves us. But if he loves us, why would he go?"

I sigh and hug him a little tighter. "Well… sometimes even if we love other people, we don't love ourselves. And sometimes Daddy's mind can be a little mean to him, and for a while, he thought that we would be better off without him, even though he loved us."

"Oh. I don't want Daddy to be mean to himself," he says sadly.

"Me neither."

"Should I give him more hugs?"

I giggle. How did he get so pure of heart? "You can give him as many as you want. I think it helps if we tell him we love him a lot, just like he tells us. Just so we can remind him that we are happier when he's with us."

"Oh, okay! I can tell him every day."

"You do anyway, because that's just how you are. You're special and kind and sweet, without even trying. Don't worry about Mommy and Daddy, okay? It's our job to worry about you." I nuzzle his nose, making him giggle and my heart mildly explode. "Let's go find Phoebe and play outside before I have to go, okay?"

This perks him right up. Oh, to be five and have all your worries fixed by a sunny day. I wish he could stay this way forever. The world doesn't deserve him. "Okay!"

I step into the elevator at Escala, grateful to see that no paparazzi have figured out that we spend time here. I haven't been seen in a while, so hopefully they're losing interest. I do want to get back to my life someday without worrying about my privacy constantly being invaded.

Which reminds me… I need to discuss the new plan with Christian. I didn't want to jinx Ezra saying no by telling anyone until things were wrapped up, but now that they are, it's time to break the news.

First things first. There is other news to break today.

Christian is pacing in the foyer in front of the elevator door when it opens. "There you are." He quickly engulfs me into a hug.

"Whoa. Hi. Missed you, too," I laugh in surprise.

"Ana, no matter what happens here today, I don't care. I still want to be with you. We'll figure it out," he mumbles against my hair.

"I know. As long as you're not leaving me, I'm not leaving you. I think that's the deal, isn't it?" He just sighs and hugs me a little tighter. "Oh, by the way, Teddy asked me to tell you that he loves you before I left. He said he'll also tell you tonight."

He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes soft, and his expression a little confused. "He… did?"

"Yes." Believe us.

"But… his nightmare," he says, looking down.

There it is. The insecurity. "He just needs time. It's been a few days since a big change happened. We knew they might have some trouble adjusting. He really loves you and he just needs to see that you won't leave. Just like I did. Just keep doing what you're doing. Trust me." I lean up and kiss him, and I can feel his body start to lose some of its tension.

The elevator dings again and we pull away just as the doors open. "Oh, hello," Eric says, amused to have caught us in another embrace. "Shall we?"

We adjourn to the usual spot, my scalp prickling with nerves again as the weight of the moment sets in. Christian keeps my hand in his as we sit. "Thank you for moving our appointment up," he starts.

"I'm happy I was able to. So, what would you like to discuss?"

"Ana and I had a… conflict."

"A conflict?" There's a beat of silence. I look up, and he's looking at me.

"A conflict," I confirm.

He takes out his notes and flips them open. "About what?"

Christian looks at me again, and I nod, inviting him to explain. I'd like to hear his side of things anyway. "I realized after a few days that we hadn't been using protection and mentioned that Ana could get pregnant. She informed me that she had an IUD, which is the first I'd heard of that, and when I mentioned wanting another baby, she informed me that she doesn't."

"Ana, is this true?"

Straight to the hot seat. I stare at the floor. "It's… complicated."

He nods patiently. "Okay. I want to back up. How did the conversation go from your perspective, Ana?"

"It's like Christian said… he thought we hadn't been using protection because I never mentioned having an IUD and I just…" I sigh. "He asked if I'd get it removed when we were going to have another baby, and I said that I don't want to have another. And then he got upset."

"Christian?"

"I… I was taken aback by this news, and I said some things I didn't mean."

"Ana, I'd like to hear from you what those things were."

"He said that… he wanted to talk about more kids immediately but waited so I would be comfortable… seemed upset that he was being considerate of that and that I didn't tell him about the IUD, and then said that he deserved to know all the facts before he decided to move back in with me."

For a moment, the only sound is Eric's scrawling pen. "What then? Christian?"

"Ana paused and went downstairs."

"I see. Well, I think that was an appropriate use of the pause, as it sounds like the discussion was venturing into hostile territory. I think this is an opportunity for you to explain to each other your sides of the argument in a neutral environment. Let's all try to keep an open mind, okay? Christian, I want to start with you. Could you explain what you did mean if you didn't mean the words you said in the moment?"

"Ana…" His quiet, imploring voice finally makes me look up. "I was just surprised. I saw more kids in our future. We've been so much more open with each other lately, it sent me into a panic to think that there was more that I didn't know. So, I was upset that I didn't know about the IUD, about how you felt about more kids, and most of all, that I didn't know the reason for any of it."

"Ana, if you're comfortable, could you explain how it never came up?" Eric prompts.

I take a deep breath. "I got it placed about a year ago. I went to the doctor for another shot like I got every twelve weeks, and… back then, Christian was barely home. We hadn't had sex in months, so I didn't want to have to keep coming back for maintenance shots when I wasn't even sexually active. The doctor and I talked about it and the IUD seemed like the best option. I didn't see the point in telling you about it then because it was hard enough to get ahold of you, let alone to talk about birth control that wasn't being used, and then later, now, I just… I wasn't thinking about the possibility of sex leading to pregnancy, as strange as it sounds. I… I've felt for so long that I was done having kids that it just didn't even enter my mind. At the same time, I had no idea that you ever thought about having more. Unconsciously, I knew I wouldn't get pregnant, and it just didn't occur to me to update you. And I'm sorry for that, it was careless."

"Christian, would you like to respond?"

"I…" He stares at our hands, the only parts of us that are touching, his brow wrinkled in thought. "I think I understand now why you got the IUD and why you didn't tell me. What I don't understand is why you don't want more kids, and I really would like to."

"Ana, are you comfortable explaining?"

I nod. That's what you're here for. "Yes… I'll try." I turn to him, and he's gazing at me with patience and concern. "It's not that I don't want to have another baby. I love our kids so much, and they've turned out to be such wonderful human beings, I would be crazy to not want more. But… I can't go through what I did after Phoebe again. I can't for the baby, I can't for myself, I just can't. I know that I've never talked about it with you. I know that you don't understand how bad it was, and I don't blame you for that, because I only just recently started to admit to myself how bad it was. Before we had this fight, all I knew was that I couldn't have another baby, so I put it out of my mind."

His face has taken on a tight, pained expression as I spoke. "What do you mean… you can't?"

"I physically can. I just… I'm… I'm fucking terrified, Christian." I look down just as I feel a hot tear hit my leg.

"Ana," Christian whispers, wrapping an arm around me.

"Ana… we've briefly discussed that you had what was likely an undiagnosed case of postpartum depression following the birth of your daughter. I know this might be difficult for you to talk about, but it seems like it's becoming a relevant topic. Would it be helpful if I read some of the common occurrences in PPD and you could confirm whether or not you experienced them? That way we can all have a better understanding together of what happened, and there's less pressure on you to explain."

I nod. "Yeah, okay, I can do that." It sounds a hell of a lot easier than describing it. Christian squeezes my hand.

Eric takes out another piece of paper from our file. "Okay. You felt sad or cried often, even when you didn't know why?"

"Yes. Almost every day, if not every day."

"Too much sleep or trouble sleeping?"

"Trouble sleeping."

"You ate a lot or had little interest in food?"

"I barely ate." I feel Christian stiffen next to me. I knew that one would be bad.

"Any unexplained aches, pains, or illnesses?"

"Not really."

"Irritability, anxiety, or anger without an explanation?"

"I was anxious. Not really the others."

"Mood swings?"

"Not really."

"Feeling out of control?"

"Yes."

"Difficulty concentrating or memory problems?"

"I had trouble focusing back then, and there are some gaps in my memory from that time now."

"Feeling disconnected from your baby and wondering why you weren't filled with joy like you thought you'd be?"

"Yes…"

"Feeling overwhelmed or hopeless?"

"Both."

"Feeling worthlessness or guilt about your feelings?"

"Constantly." I feel another tear fall.

"Feeling like you can't open up to anyone because they'd think that you're a bad mother or take your baby?"

"Yes…" My voice starts to shake. "I didn't tell anyone."

"Last one. You're doing very well, Ana. Intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby?"

Oh, God… I wasn't expecting this question. "Me. Not her," I say quietly.

I kept my eyes closed the whole time, and I finally open them and look at Christian. He's taken on an almost worrying pallor, his eyes are tight, and his jaw is clenched. "Ana, could I ask you to elaborate on that? Were you in any danger?" Eric asks.

I quickly shake my head. "No. I never consciously planned to hurt myself. I just… wished I could sometimes. I don't know. It sounds insane, I know…"

"Thank you, Ana. Christian, do you have anything you'd like to say?"

I hold mine as I watch him take a few deep breaths, eyes closed, still gripping my hand almost painfully. When he lifts his eyes to mine, the pain in them knocks the wind out of me, and I exhale sharply. "Why didn't you tell me? Wasn't there anything I could have done? How could I not have known? I had no fucking clue…" His voice breaks on the last word. No, no, no…

"Christian… please don't beat yourself up about it. I didn't want you to know. Every thought I had when I was with you was about what I had to do to seem normal. And not because I didn't trust you, but because I was so… ashamed. I had no idea why I felt like this, and I felt like I was failing everyone, including you. I just… I had myself convinced that if I told anyone, they'd tell me I was being stupid at best, or at worst, tell me I was an unfit mother. The last thing I wanted was for you to think that, so I just tried to hide it, and eventually, I started to feel a little more like myself again."

He's looking down and shaking his head when Eric begins to speak. "Ana, I want to thank you for your vulnerability. This was very important information. Christian, I want to reassure you that it's very common for mothers with PPD to downplay or even try to conceal their symptoms. The brain isn't rational when it's depressed, and on top of that, there is quite a bit of stigma attached to this illness because a new baby is expected to be a joyous occasion. I don't believe it's a reflection on your abilities as a husband, and I believe Ana is saying the same."

I quickly jump in, rubbing his arm. "It's not, Christian. It's not. Now, I completely understand that I should have told you and it boggles my mind that I didn't, but the voice in my head at the time was telling me that it would turn you against me, and I couldn't bear that."

He lifts his head quickly, his eyes still raw, but softer now. "I don't need another baby, Ana. You've given me everything with what we have now, and our family means everything to me just as it is. You have to know that. I don't want you to put yourself through that again. I would never ask you to do that. God, I can't bear to think about you feeling that way…"

"I know, I know… but what I said that night, it wasn't exactly true. It's not that I don't want more. It's just, before that, I thought it was impossible. But… my therapist explained some options to me, and… it's not a hard no. I just… I'd need some time. I'm not ready now. And I don't think we are either."

His eyes widen. "Ana, please, if this is for me, I promise you, I really don't need this. Another baby is not worth losing you, and it's not worth you losing yourself."

"Ana," Eric jumps in. "If you, on your own terms, want to have another child, then yes, there are absolutely treatment options. We'd know what symptoms to watch for and you'd be able to have a support system in place beforehand. There is also the chance that it wouldn't reoccur, and that may be more likely in your case given that you didn't experience symptoms after your first pregnancy. But that decision is completely up to you. No one is here to pressure you to make a decision now."

"Baby, if you really want another one someday, then I'll be there for you every step of the way. I'll be happy to annoy the fuck out of you by waiting on you hand and foot and making sure you want for nothing." I laugh, his comment adding a surprise spark of joy to the conversation. "But it's completely up to you. I'm sorry for ever making it seem like that was the only outcome I'd want. The only outcome I want is you and me together. The rest is fully negotiable."

Momentarily forgetting that we're in the middle of a therapy session, I grab his face and kiss him. He fully responds and Eric clears his throat after a few seconds. Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I'm sure my face is the color of a firetruck when I turn back. "Thank you for sharing that, Christian. So, Ana, it's clear that you have options, and I think that we've begun to establish a healthier foundation for discussing this as a couple in the future. Are there any other concerns regarding this that either of you want to address?"

Christian quietly clears his throat. "Ana… do you have any other reasons for not wanting more children?"

I look at him curiously. "No. If I thought I could have a normal pregnancy, I would be excited to try again in time. Like I said, I think we need to adjust to life as a family of four again before we add another one."

"Is that… because you think I might leave again?"

I'm silent for a moment, processing this. "Are you asking me if part of the reason I'm reluctant to have another baby with you is because I think you'll abandon me?" He nods slowly. "Christian… if I had serious doubts about your commitment, there's absolute no way I would have moved back in with you. You have to realize that when I make decisions that affect our future, I'm also considering our children. So, if I didn't trust you to be a good dad to them, we wouldn't be in the position we are now. Trust me, this is all me. I'd be all for having another baby with you when the time was right if things were different."

"Do you really mean that?" he asks quietly, cautiously. "You trust me to stick around?"

"Yes. Knowing what I know now, my whole perspective on your absence has changed. I meant it when I said that what happened to you isn't who you are. I think that you want us, and you've consistently shown that you're willing to do whatever is necessary to keep us."

I can almost see the weight lifted off of him as I tell him this. He lifts the hand that's encased in his and presses a kiss onto the back of it. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Okay," Eric says as he flips his notes closed. "I commend you both for what you shared today. I think that this session was very important, and now it's time to step back and take stock. Please, feel free to call if you encounter any other situation that needs moderation. Otherwise, I'll see you at our next regular appointment."

We say our goodbyes and he sees himself out. Listening to his retreating footsteps, Christian and I both stare at the floor, still holding hands.

As soon as Eric is out of sight, I turn to Christian just as he turns to me and jump into his lap, wrapping my arms around him and burying my head in his shoulder. He returns the embrace with just as much fervor. The seconds roll by into minutes, and we just sit there, holding each other, making sure that if either one of us does happen to slip, we have a soft place to land.

"I can't bear to think that you were so unhappy," Christian whispers regretfully.

We're laying in bed that night, and he's clutching me like ivy. Ever since our session ended, he's wanted to touch me in some way almost continuously. Not that I mind. I think after all the emotional revelations, it's helping us both stay grounded.

"But I'm not now," I whisper back.

"It should never have been like that. I should have—"

I've sensed this stewing all night. "And I should have told you. There's no point in making ourselves miserable over what we didn't do. We're here now, doing what we should have done. That's what matters."

We're both quiet for a moment, my hand in his hair as he lazily trails kisses back and forth on my shoulder. "It wouldn't be like that next time," he says quietly, his voice full of resolve.

"Next time…" I repeat, testing out the words.

"If there is a next time. If that's what you want." He tightens his arms around me. "I don't care, Ana. I know we'll be happy either way."

I sigh, rolling over so I can look at him. "It won't be, say, next month. But I think I'd be lying to myself to say that I definitely don't want another baby. With Teddy and Phoebe growing up… it's so hard. Maybe someday, a little more love in this house wouldn't be so bad?" I shake my head, tabling this train of thought. "But it's not an issue for now."

"No. We need time to be a family of four, just like we were meant to be." He nuzzles my nose.

I smile. "Exactly. Enough change is coming up anyway…" And suddenly, I recall one of those changes that I have yet to inform him of. "Oh! That reminds me. I have to show you something." I extricate myself from his arms and hop off the bed, holding out a hand to help him up. "Come with me."

I lead him downstairs to my office, making him laugh as we're practically running, and then pull the folder out of my drawer while he sits on the couch. I sit next to him and set it onto his lap.

He looks at me with a confused smirk. "What's this?"

"Open it."

He eyes me for a second, then gives in and flips the folder open. His brows knit together at first, then smooth out in recognition as he keeps reading. I don't know how long we sit there, but he reads the whole thing, cover to cover, until he finally sets it aside and looks at me. His gaze is fairly impassive, and I have a feeling that we've just switched to CEO mode. "Did you do this yourself?"

"I made it, and then had Ros look at it. She said it didn't suck."

"Ros?" he says, a bit affronted, if I'm not mistaken.

"I wanted to surprise you. You gave me a company once. I wanted to show you what I did with what I learned."

"What about Grey Publishing?"

"Well, that will be my public job, and this will be my private one. A side hustle, if you will."

"You still want to be in publishing?" he asks dubiously.

"Yes. I love publishing. That hasn't changed. Besides, you gave me that company. I wouldn't just toss it aside. I would at least make sure it was in capable hands before jumping ship."

"So… you'll write under a fake name?" I nod. "Have you chosen one?"

"I think so. I presented the plan to Ezra a few days ago, and after he agreed, we started brainstorming. We came up with Diana Lambert. Diana, because he used to call me Wonder Woman whenever we'd finish up in the studio, and it's also kind of a play on Ana, and Lambert—"

"Because it's your birth father's name."

He remembers? I nod. "Yes. I… after everything went down with my mom, I started researching that side of the family. She never talked about it, and I knew nothing about them. I found out that my birth grandmother, Marjorie, was a professional singer. So… maybe it's not so random that I ended up here. I thought it would be a nice homage to her. To think that we took the same path, we had the same blood, but we never met…" He takes my hand, and from the look on his face, I know he understands the dissonance I feel. Maybe better than anyone else would. "Well, anyway… this is the way forward. What do you think?"

He studies my face. "You don't want to record anymore?"

I shrug. "Never say never… but I don't want to be constantly looking over my shoulder. I want some kind of normalcy. Bringing other writer's words into the world and bringing my own without all of the pressure and attention is the best of both worlds."

"And Ezra agreed?"

"Yes. We're officially partners."

"Investment?"

"Self-invested."

He smirks. "You know, I know a little something about mergers. You didn't want to twist my arm for one?"

I giggle. "The whole point was to keep it separate from you. The Grey name gets enough attention."

His eyes turn speculative. "Is that why you used Steele instead of Grey?"

"Exactly. I didn't know at the time how on board you'd be with the whole thing, so I figured the least I could do was keep you out of it. Wait, why did you think?"

"Because we were over and you wanted nothing to do with me," he says in a small voice.

Jesus. His insecurity really holds no bounds. "Oh, God, no! No, I just… it was out of what I thought was respect for you, and I also didn't want it to seem like all of this only happened because of who I'm married to. I wanted to feel like I did something."

"You did do something. You ran an entire company by yourself before you were twenty-five, Ana."

I shake my head. "A company that you swooped in and bought me. That would never have happened without you. I think… it was hard for me to feel like everything that defined me was because of you. You really did it all yourself, and I… I was just trotting along at the genius' heels. At least, that's how it felt."

"Ana… I never thought that. I just wanted you to have everything you wanted, and publishing was your dream."

"Christian… aren't we being honest now? You bought that company when I was still your almost-submissive. You just wanted to keep an eye on me." I raise an eyebrow, daring him to deny it, and he smiles sheepishly.

"Yes, I did. However, the reason for that compulsion was that I was in love with you, and I didn't have the words to name that feeling yet. But once I had you, it was a perfect opportunity to give you something you'd always dreamed about. So, you see, I just wanted to give you the world."

"Okay… in your megalomaniac mind, maybe that was how it worked. And maybe you're right, I could have fucked everything up and sunk the company, leaving you to clean up the mess, but I didn't, and that's something. But I have to say… it feels different to have done something completely yourself."

"So… you're now a self-made millionaire and a self-made entrepreneur?" he says in a low voice that makes me feel tingly. "That's kinda hot."

"Okay, I think we should go back upstairs. This couch isn't big enough." I stand up and yank him forward, leaving the folder open.

He laughs, pulling back so I fall against his body, then looks down at me sincerely. "In case I haven't told you in so many words… I'm so proud of you. And I can't wait to see what you do with this. And Ros is right… your plan decidedly doesn't suck."

I laugh. "I do occasionally suck… but only for you."

He gasps theatrically. "Mrs. Grey. How crude."

"If you simply follow me upstairs, I could show you." Take the damn hint, Grey.

He lifts my left hand and kisses it, then eyes my rings with an unreadable expression. "Did you like your engagement ring when I gave it to you?"

Well, this subject change is giving me whiplash. "What kind of a question is that?"

"A serious one."

"Yes, Christian. Besides yourself and the two little humans sleeping upstairs, it's the best thing you've ever given me. Why?"

He looks at me impassively for a minute, then smiles. "Nothing. Just wondering. I'm ready for my demonstration now." He ducks down and sweeps me into his arms, and in an instant, I've completely forgotten his strange line of questioning.

A/N: Fun fact: Taylor Swift's grandmother was named Marjorie, she has a song about her on evermore. And she was an opera singer!

Recap, because this was over 5000 words (sorry!): Teddy and Ana had a talk about Christian, they had their very important therapy session, and Ana revealed the business plan with Ezra. What did you think of the therapy session? What about what the future holds?

This story is almost over. I'm not big on lemons for no reason if they don't serve the plot, but there are a couple more opportunities for them that I could see. I could go either way, so if there's interest in that, let me know either in messages or reviews. You have stuck it out for almost 60 chapters, so I'll do what you want. :)