"Wow, you got killed by a Redacted again! Let's see, according to my list, that's what…the fifteenth time now?"
"And one of these days I'll beat it," Zagreus said with a grin. He turned to go, but stopped when he felt Hypnos's curious gaze upon him. "What is it?"
"Zagreus, I've been wondering—what exactly is a Redacted, anyway? It's the only cause of death my list has absolutely no information on! None of the mortals have been lucky enough to get killed by it, either. As far as I know, this manner of death is completely unique to you!"
"Those mortals are lucky, indeed," Zagreus said with mild exasperation, thinking of just how close the fight with his father had been this time. But every fight taught him more about his father's skill and techniques, and he was certain that one day he'd surpass those skills. It was only a matter of time.
"Sooooo what is it," Hypnos asked again, and Zagreus shrugged. "Is it big and scary?"
"Oh, it's terrifying," Zagreus laughed. "I'd wager not many could ever stand up to it, but, well, I've never been one to back down."
"Wow, Zagreus! You're so brave," Hypnos said, wiping at tears that had formed around his eyes and dissipated into dream mist. "You've gotta tell me absolutely everything! What was it like the first time you were killed?"
Unexpected was the word that came to mind, as well as quick. "Sad to say it wasn't much of a contest," he admitted. "I was already weak just from getting there, and let's just say that Redacted, well…it hits like Cerberus when he's chasing a ball. Or Dusa."
Hypnos winced in sympathy. "That's pretty hard!"
"Not to mention it's more annoying than Theseus on his bad days, and as stubborn as Asterius the Bull of Minos—hope you liked that autograph, by the way!"
"Wow, stubborn and annoying! What a combination. And I framed that autograph, thanks," Hypnos said, dreamily thinking of the Minotaur he admired so much.
"Let's see, what else…it has a really nasty attitude, especially concerning me, and for whatever reason it enjoys drudgery and paperwork when not sending me back to the House. I think it secretly likes to be bored, or making other people bored. I swear, that office work alone could have killed me."
Hypnos winced in sympathy; while he had no problem with filing papers, he knew Zagreus was no office drone. That was why he'd escaped, right? Being fired from his job, even if it was one he hated? He'd have to ask him about it later. For now, he had to get more information on the terrifying Redacted.
"In that case your cause of death would be boredom," Hypnos joked. "But this Redacted, what does it look like?"
"Oh, it's enormous. At least 4 times my size, and huge, broad shoulders! It has this really annoying, weird-looking helmet that makes it hard to see at times, and this fancy cape it wears for no reason cause it burns it up every time we fight. I swear it has a supply of nothing but capes somewhere, for as often as it torches them."
"Lots and lots of capes and a silly-looking helmet," Hypnos jotted down, and Zagreus nodded in approval.
"It also has a horrifyingly stern face that never smiles except to make fun of me, and a mustache as thick and dark as my hair when I have bedhead," Zagreus continued. "And it wields a spear even sharper than its tongue, and far longer than its short temper. I'll admit it's pretty muscular, but it would be weird for it not to be. Heh, imagining it scrawny is pretty funny, though."
"I'll bet," Hypnos gushed. "And you fight this awful creature even when you're sure to lose?"
"Always," Zagreus said, turning serious. "And one day I'll surpass it. Speaking of—I'd better get going! That Redacted won't slay itself, as much as it'd save me some headaches. And body aches. And general pain."
Zagreus turned to go, and Hypnos watched him leave. Lord Hades, for some odd reason, wasn't at the desk, and it emboldened the God of Sleep to briefly leave his post. He floated over to the court musician, Orpheus, who'd stood wide-eyed and staring at the exchange.
"Heeeey, Orpheus, buddy," Hypnos said cheerily. "Did you hear all that?"
"I did, friend," Orpheus said. "To think Zagreus can consistently stand against such a terrifying beast…it's most inspiring! In fact, I think I have an inspiration for a new song—a ballad of his fight against the terrible Redacted!"
"Orpheus, you read my mind," Hypnos said with a smirk. "Hey, Zag said he's going to try and fight it again! If I gave you a list of what he said, you think you could work your musical magic and have the song done by the time he returns? I bet it'd be just the thing to boost his spirits, especially if the Redacted kills him again!"
A thin smile came to the solemn poet's face. "I'll see what I can do. I'm sure even Lord Hades himself would be pleased to hear of his son's daring exploits!"
Orpheus spent the rest of his time in a frenzy of songwriting, wanting to capture every terrifying detail about the mysterious Redacted and how bold Zagreus was for standing against it. He was inspired in ways he hadn't been since his time with Eurydice, and he made a mental note to share the finished version with her in Asphodel the next time he was allowed to visit. Eurydice was forever kind and always willing to share good music, and thus, he mused, the tale of the Prince of Hades and his nemesis would be sung all throughout the Underworld.
But none of that would matter if the song itself were subpar. For Zagreus's sake, he had to get this right.
Zagreus returned to the House of Hades in good spirits. He still hadn't been able to best his father, but he'd come even closer than last time, and he knew it wouldn't be long before…
His thoughts trailed off as music filled his ears. Orpheus was singing once more, but the melody and lyrics were unfamiliar. "Wow, sounds like he wrote a new ballad," Zagreus said with delight. As he approached the Great Hall, Hypnos gave a friendly wave out of the corner of his eye, and he waved back.
And then he nearly crashed into his father, who was facing Orpheus with unbridled fury.
"Blood and darkness," Hades swore, the sound reverberating through the House and scaring nearby bats off their perches. "Is this some kind of joke?"
Orpheus stopped his singing and looked up at the Lord of the Dead with earnest eyes. "None at all, my lord. I would never joke about your son's battle with such a terrible monster! Do you like it? I myself found the part where Zagreus is nearly slain by mountains of paperwork quite inspired."
Hades' response was less words and more angry mumbling noises that quickly increased in volume and intensity. "Sing that song in my presence again," he growled, "and your stay in Tartarus will seem like a fine vacation."
He stomped to his desk while thinking up punishments for the dour musician, perhaps something involving stepping on miniaturized bricks for an eternity, and Orpheus blinked as he watched him go. "He must like it quite a bit to be affected so deeply. I cannot wait to tell my dear Eurydice! The whole Underworld must hear this glorious tale!"
"Maybe hold off on that, mate," Zagreus said quickly, dashing over to the musician before he could leave. "Something tells me Father isn't exactly happy with your little ballad, there. I couldn't catch much before he interrupted, but from what I heard it sounded just fine! Not really sure why he reacted that way, truth be told."
"Your father can be quite a mysterious man," Orpheus said solemnly. "If he doesn't wish to hear it from me, I'm afraid I'll have to respect those wishes for now. Of course," he added with a small smile, "our House Contractor's music stand plays songs regardless of Lord Hades' will or intent."
Catching on to his meaning, the prince grinned. "I'll have to check to see if they have anything new, then!"
To Zagreus's delight, the House Contractor had a copy of Orpheus's newest masterpiece up for sale, for the bargain price of 5 diamonds. In no time at all, the lilting strains of "Zagreus Versus the Terrible Redacted" (composed in honor of a young prince's fight against a terrifying monster and his more terrifying mustache) filled the House of Hades for everyone to hear.
As soon as the first lyrics hit his ears Zagreus immediately understood why his father had been so incensed, and quickly dashed to the West Hall to compose himself before he did something they'd all regret later. He watched from the safety of the hallway as Hades stormed over to Orpheus's corner, terrible fury in his eyes. But when the God of the Dead saw the court musician hadn't defied him and the indestructible music player was playing his song instead, he had no choice but to withdraw, muttering curses under his breath.
Orpheus, for his part, shrugged his shoulders and headed out of the House to Asphodel.
Thanatos was nearby, and had watched the exchange with uneasy eyes. "I haven't seen him this incensed since you bought that disco ball for the lounge. I hope this was worth it, Zag."
"Father may be angry for a while, but when is he not angry," Zagreus grinned, and even Thanatos chuckled at that. "Fair point. I'd watch out next time I fought the Terrible Redacted if I were you, though."
And the next time they did fight, as Hades flattened his son with speed and fury never seen before, Zagreus just grinned as red filled his eyes and the Styx came up to claim him. "Totally worth it."
In the weeks and months that followed, changes took place in the Underworld. Zagreus got good enough to best his father once, and then more times, eventually accomplishing his goal of seeing his mother. In due time, Persephone herself returned to the House, her presence unexpected and welcomed by all, and her smiling face filled the residents with love and good cheer.
And, most importantly to this tale, the ballad of Zagreus and the Terrible Redacted became one of the Underworld's most popular songs.
The dismal halls of Tartarus weren't quite as gloomy when snatches of song filled the air, with the Furies occasionally humming it as they set to work on Sisyphus, who eagerly sang along. In Asphodel Eurydice shared her lover's new hit with anyone, shade or otherwise, who passed by, and while the Lernaean Bone Hydra could not be said to carry a tune, it kept to the beat quite well. In the hallowed halls of Elysium, Theseus was impressed at the tales of such a fierce opponent and vowed to be twice as difficult when fighting Zagreus, and even in the run-down Temple of Styx, the rats and satyrs were said to occasionally squeak and growl to an unseen rhythm.
As such, it was no surprise that Queen Persephone herself heard the ballad too, and didn't get very far in before collapsing with laughter. When she was able to compose herself she asked Orpheus where he'd gotten the idea for such a masterpiece, and when he told her it was Hypnos' idea she strolled over to meet him.
"Hypnos," she said carefully, "did you ever try to figure out what that terrible Redacted was?"
"Oh, all the time, Lady Persephone," Hypnos said. "I tried and tried but still can't figure it out. Why? Do you know what it is!?"
"It…it's Lord Hades," she said bluntly, and on seeing she wasn't joking, the God of Sleep promptly fainted from shock and fear.
When Hypnos was seen in the following week it was sparing, and he spent most of his time cowering under Nyx's starlit cloak. "You can't stay here forever, child," she said kindly, and Hypnos nodded. "I know, but—if I come out Lord Hades will kill me!"
"If he does he'll answer personally to me," she said with a powerful air. "Besides, it's been long enough I would assume all's forgiven. Zagreus and his father have been on better terms as of late; there's no reason to assume differently with you, especially since you didn't know what he was describing."
Hypnos fearfully nodded and flew out from her cloak to take his position in the hallway. And it was there that something amazing happened.
Under his breath, when he thought no one could listen, Lord Hades himself was singing the ballad too.