A/N: ...I blame Fate Grand Order for this.

Also, someone said I don't write pure Fate stories. WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!

This story has a lot of self-depreciating humor and sattire within, hope you like that sort of thing.

Now then, this will be the LAST NEW STORY FOR AWHILE, given that I need to focus down on my finances and other none Fate-related projects. Meanwhile, life's been kicking my ass. Not only am I swimming in bills, but my car's been acting up again so I'm going to have to cut back HARD on some of the things I've been doing to get it fixed.

T_T

Well, in others news, I've cleared the third Singularity~!

I want. To punch. Jason. In the throat. Is that wrong? No? Just a little?

Anybody else excited for their free Four Star Servant in FGO? I aim! I know exactly who I'm going for, considering I managed to get both Artoria Alters not once, but twice. Not gonna roll for Merlin though, I'm saving up for other banners. I kinda wanna go for the original Artoria, but there's no way, given how rare she is...

Who are you guys-and girls!-going to choose?

On another note, I've finally ascended Nero thrice and gotten her up to NP 5. She hits like a truck and I'm about ready to ascent her for the final time, but dear lord she does almost as much damage as Berserkerlot. Buster cards hit like a ton of bricks, and she's able to power through just about anything with the right setup. Toss in Saber Alter as backup, and well, the game's fun when you can brute force your way through some of the more tanky enemies.

*EDIT*

I've also had to delete a lot of flames in the last few minutes since posting this...that really hurts.

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Everyone's been asking fore this one, so I thought I'd oblige.

This will either be a resounding success or a smashing failure. I'm not sure which.

That's right, this is a pure Fate story. You won't find Naruto in this one. I'm sorry if that offends some people' seeing as crossovers are practically my bread and butter these days. Now I'm somewhat certain-almost fairly sure sure-that someone, somewhere, has tried this concept before.

But I wanted to try my hand at it.

And with a different spin.

So...here...

...we...

..go.

As ever, this will be gone in two days if people don't like it.

I do hope you like it T_T

"Not again!"

"Are you alright? You look pale-

"No, no, no! I'm not alright! Not in the least!"

~?

Long Live the Gacha

...did anybody get the number of that bitch?"

Not the most eloquent response to sleeping off a hangover, but there you are. That's what I get for drinking with friends and rolling the gacha until one of us drops. My body was even more reluctant to move; my eyes felt gummed shut by what might've been a weeks worth of sleep, leaving my muscles stiff and aching. A distant crackling sound rose in the background to prickle angrily at my ears, but I ruthlessly ignored it and reached for a handhold, to no avail; for my paltry efforts I only ended up flopping about on the ground like a hapless fish out of water.

I touched a hand to damp hair and my palm came away red. Blood.

Well, that couldn't be good.

The face that stared back at me from that murky puddle wasn't mine; it was younger and leaner, with bright aqua-colored eyes. Darker hair. No stubble to be found. My reflection mirrored my movements and it took me a moment to realize why this curious visage felt strangely familiar. And then it clicked. This was undoubtedly the face of Ritsuka Fujimaru.

Oh. No. No, no, no!

"Not this again!"

I was no stranger to the rules of reincarnation or waking up in another world, but that didn't mean I was happy to find myself caught up in it. Again! I swear, this felt vaguely familiar somehow! As though I'd been dragged through this before! Not once, not twice, not even thrice! Had I pissed off some heavenly power or something?!

But this didn't feel like reincarnation.

This felt...hot?

"HOT!"

With a yelp I jerked up and kicked my legs, alarmed to realized my pants had indeed caught fire; rather, I'd tumbled to close to a burning building in my earlier flailing. A bit of patting quickly set that to rights, though not so the shattered shards of my pride. God, I hope no one heard that. The last thing I needed was-

"Kyu?"

My gaze snapped southward.

"Oh, hush, Fou." I growled. "Wait. Fou?!"

The adorable little creature sitting by my foot tilted its head in a way that could only be called smug.

That did it! I'd rolled the gacha one too many times! I clearly had Fate on the brain! Yes, that explained it. This was a dream. I was sound asleep back in my apartment, sleeping soundly. This had to be a dream. Because the alternative was unacceptable. Fuyuki in flames. Me, trapped in a body that clearly wasn't mine, with a startling head wound to boot. Yes. Ha! That was it! This was all just a dream! Nothing to worry about! Nothing to feel sorry for here ohgodiamgoingtodieintheworstpossibleways!

Still, I was alive.

Numbly, I gathered Fou up in my arms, picked a direction, and started walking. Even in the world was on fire-and I couldn't dismiss the possibility that this was some wild fever dream-I was still firmly among the land of the living. That had to count for something, I supposed. Still, I needed to keep my body moving before something happened again. The last thing I wanted was to wind up as a meal for some hapless beast. My shoulders shuddered just thinking of it. No. Stop. Don't dwell on it. Just keep moving in any direction. One foot in front of the other, and whatnot.

I knew the moment I stopped to think, the fear would paralyze me.

Couldn't let that happen. Had to keep moving. Somewhere. Anywhere but here. Keep. Moving.

Easier said than done; moving might've been my only solace, but that meant I had a prime view of Fuyuki City and all its horror. Scorched statues, twisted buildings, ruined husks that might have been people once upon a time. My very breath threatened to jam up against the back of my throat, sharp and cloying with the scent of ashen death. Really, it was too much to hope that there wouldn't be an encounter of some sort down the road; because that always happened in situations like this. In such a scenario, there would always inevitably be one of two outcomes:

Scenario number one!

Protagonist wakes in the arms of a fair maiden.

Given as that clearly hadn't happened to me, that left scenario two:

Protagonist gets attacked and runs for their bloody life, screaming like a banshee.

As if on cure, I round a corner and found myself beset by a horde of spooky scary skeletons. What?! They were! And not in the fun way! Fou and I took one look at those bastards then we absolutely NOPED the hell out of there, screaming at the top of our lungs! Of course, the bastards gave chase, which in turn solicited more screaming. Undead! I HATED undead! Hate, hate, hate! Still, a detached part of my mind mused as I bolted, if that was the case, and this is anything like the game, Mash ought to appear any moment now to save my sorry ass-

"Duck, senpai!"

"Happily~!"

I dove in the same instant that a whirring discus of death-wow, that really was a large shield-whirled wildly over my tumbling body; fortunate for me, I wasn't its target. Unfortunately for the skeleton about to skewer me, it was caught straight in the chest. Rotten black bones burst like mold driftwood as the impregnable shield struck them head on, scattering their brittle body to the wind. Thankfully they didn't reform. Part of me almost wanted to stick around to see if they would, but self preservation and a great deal of fear spurred me onward instead.

A familiar blur blitzed past me.

Say what you would about mild-mannered Mash, but she tore through the skeletons with an ease that seemed almost otherworldly by comparison. Like an angel of the battlefield, she struck swiftly and without hesitation; swinging her shield with polished poise to decimate the enemy ranks. To say that I was in awe of her skills would've been a tragic understatement. Hard to believe this was her first real fight.

"Well." I caught myself croaking, "Remind me to stay on her good side."

Fou chirruped happily in agreement from his perch on my head.

I even deigned to pet the little critter.

In short order the battle ended as quickly as it began; a sure and decisive victory. I hadn't been needed in the least. Now wasn't that humbling? I clearly wasn't the hero of this story. I was just a glorified mana battery for the odd Servant or two. Or three. Or four.

"Are you alright, senpai?" I jerked as those keen violet eyes settled on my bloodied hair. "Your head...were you hurt?"

Ach, remind me about the body I was possessing why don't you? Dead or not, it didn't change the fact that I'd basically taken his corpse for myself and restarted his bodily functions. No, I wasn't alright! Not at all! Not in the least! I was so far out of my depth here that it wasn't even funny! It might've been another story if I'd manifested as Servant rather than some body-snatching ghost, but this? Nope! Nuh-uh! Not happening! Even if by some miracle I did have some abilities, I wouldn't even be a very good Servant. I was a writer. If anything I'd qualify as a lackluster caster like Shakespeare or Mozart, which wouldn't change the fact that I would still be a complete and utter FAILURE-

"Kyu!"

Fou nipped my shoulder, bringing me back to reality with a lurch.

"Ow! Alright, alright," I forced out a stray snarl. "You little beast! I'm here!"

Numbly, I mumbled halfhearted replies to Mash's occasional inquiry, unable to muster any real enthusiasm. Perhaps that was why she took the lead.

She looked less...lost than me, at least.

Remarkably, we found Olga-it just felt weird calling her the Director, really-in short order. But rather than running for her life, she stood fast against hordes of undead. That wasn't right. In the movie and the game I alike, I more than clearly remembered her running from those skeletal bastards. Yet here she was, standing on a rocky outcropping, looking like a preening peacock. None of the undead came near her; rather, they couldn't. Any attempt to do so ended in a swift and vicious death. It didn't take long to see why.

Because she had a Servant.

My ears deafened at the sound of that roar.

My heart all but stopped at the sight of that towering titan.

You think you know what fear looks like? Try watching Berserker!Heracles fight. Then talk to me about fear. Because that's what he was. Absolute. Bloody. Terror. That great grey giant swept through any an all enemies as though they were naught but paper dolls; that wasn't even an adequate comparison. I'm sorry, big guy. Please don't squish me. How anyone could support a Servant of that caliber, even with Chaldea's system supposedly bearing most of the weight, was beyond me. Nevermind the output, the sheer level of control needed to command a Berserker must have beenohgodwhywasherunningoverhere?!

"Heracles!" Olga's voice cracked like a whip and the giant ground to a halt, sword still raised. "Not them!"

For a moment, I feared he was going to disobey her regardless, but no; as I looked on his arm crashed back down and all important body parts remained very much attached. That didn't mean I stopped watching him; no, not for one second. Why hadn't Mash panicked? She hadn't batted an eyelash despite the monster's rampage. She hadn't even moved to intercept Heracles. That struck me as...odd.

"Sorry about Heracles." the demi-servant soothed, laying a hand on my shoulder. "He scared me too, when we first met. He's actually quite a gentle giant when you get to know him."

My mind rebooted. Gentle? Giant? With someone who wasn't Illya? Impossible. Absurd. How would you even...?

Wait.

She was talking as if she knew this Berserker. That didn't make any sense...

"Oh, good. A least you two made it." Olga groused, taking notice of us at last. "I was beginning to think I'd have to do everything myself." Eh? I wasn't quite sure I liked the keen look in her eye just now, much less the marks I'd I glimpse on her right hand.

Wait.

She could rayshift? And she was a Master, too?

But...the bombs! I may not remember much about the beginning, but I was fairly certain she'd died! No, she definitely did! Didn't Lev say something about putting the bombs right under her feet? Had she not been around for that first blast? Had she missed the explosion and only arrived after the fact somehow? Because I was fairy certainly a mere spirit couldn't command a Servant!

And her other arm...that looked like a bad wound by itself.

I!

Had!

So many!

Questioooons!

Events went by in a blur after that; I tuned out the already needless exposition and just drifted along after them. I couldn't even bring myself to focus when it came to battles. Heracles was a living hurricane, sometimes even dispatching enemies before Mash could reach them. And yet that growling giant was always careful; always making certain none of them ever reached us. Which was good let me tell you, because I had zero combat experience when it came to undead! None! Zip! Zilch! Karate won't work on those things!

Believe me, I tried! I almost got my arm hacked off!

Eventually we came to the highlight of what was already shaping up to be a horrific day. I'd been expecting it of course; because if there was one thing I remembered about Fate Grand Order, it was this.

Gacha.

Is.

Hell.

Bane of wallets everywhere, tempter and tormentor of both men and women alike.

In all honesty, with Olga serving as a Master-still wanting to know how that happened!-my heart was content. Heracles was damn near impossible to put down. With Mash actively supporting him? Yeah, that beast wasn't going to die in this Singularity. What did they need me for? I was almost hoping they'd just leave me out of it. I already knew the gist of what was to come; Mash would use her shield as a "foundation" of sorts; one that would connect to a Leyline and then be used to summon forth Servants. Really, they didn't need me at all. If it weren't for me possessing Fujimaru's dead body or the marks on my hand, I'm sure I would have been excluded entirely. Which was just fine. Again. Not a strategist. Certainly no tactician. So maybe they'd just leave me here...?

It was not to be.

"Fujimaru! Make yourself useful and get over here."

In short order I found myself dragged to the Leyline.

A burning chill shot down my spine, hot and cold duking it out with no clear winner in sight. Part of was eager for this, and yet I dreaded it all the same.

But...I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

That was all I'd ever done in life; even now the mere thought of failure was almost enough to cripple me. I could die here. Conversely, in this moment, the potential here was almost unlimited. With the right luck, I could pull just about anything out of that circle. It was a figurative and literal gamble if I'd ever been given one.

"You don't want another one?"

Olga preened. I hadn't thought it possible.

"No," she said. "Heracles is more than enough for me."

She even knew his true name?! Just what in blazes had I missed?!

Fate is a lot different when see through real life than a phone, let me tell you! How did this even work at all? I knew it was random but...who knew what would show up? Were any Servants even locked at all? While some part of my mind still desperately wanted to believe that it was just that-a game-my aching body told another story. Here, I could pull just about anyone. Anything. A tense shudder ran through me yet again. My poor heart wouldn't be able to take it if someone like Angra or Gilgamesh showed up.

Unfortunately, my hesitation wasn't lost on the rest of the group.

"What're you waiting for?!" Olga arched an eyebrow. "Hurry up! We haven't got all day!"

With an exasperated whine, I raised my right arm. How did this even work? I knew jack all about being a mage? Did you just...believe, or something? Was that how magic circuits worked? Power of practice? Determination or something? No, wait. Wrong game. Still, my blundering efforts must have triggered something; because a burst of light ensorcelled the shield and burst forth like a geyser. All the while I chanted a silent mantra in the back of my head, a desperate, feverish prayer.

"Please don't let it be anyone too crazy, please don't let it be anyone too crazy...!"

And the light cleared.

"Servant, Saber." a rich, regal voice pierced the resultant fog. "I have responded to your summons. Now, then...

My eyes got.

Really.

Big.

In the end, I found myself gaping at one of the most notorious heroes to ever grace the Grail. A being so difficult to summon, so hard to find, that many gave up any hope of ever pulling her within their first month, let alone their entire career. Wholly unaware of the storm raging in my head, Mordred Pendragon regarded me in stoic silence for a moment longer, rough bearing reflecting only the slightest hint of confusion on her part at all. Then she tossed her head and pursed her lips to speak. A small, incredulous part of my mind balked when it saw her grin. Surely she wasn't going to say "the" words. That would be cliche. No. She wasn't gonna.

Yup.

She was gonna.

"Are You My Master, runt?"

...I take back everything I said about the gacha.

And if I absolutely cackled like a loon, can you blame me?

A/N: Weak constitution, thy name is Neon. I swear, my health has E rank luck.

BE SURE AND READ THIS! Or you'll be confused.

0_0

Didn't see that coming, did you?

Saber Alter is going to have a BAD TIME.

Not only will she be facing Mash, but Heracles, and MORDRED.

Let's not forget our boy Cu, he's getting a whole chapter dedicated to him next.

A chapter in which we get to deal with a certain traitor by the name of Lev. Oh, that'll be glorious.

Its fairy obvious that destiny's been changed in this story. It remains to be seen if that's a good thing or not. Those of us who have played FGO-and seen its movie-know that she met a horrible and ghastly fate. As to whether she'll continue to defy that fate...well. Who can say? All I can say at this point is that she's alive. Hurt and maimed, missing an arm, but alive. Somehow, the bombs didn't kill her, though they did hurt her. She barely managed to bandage the wound.

Well, I hope folks liked this, because it was a treat to write. I debated long and hard about who would arrive first, and in the end,

Now back to the 'ol double shift, once again, with only an hour in between.

Looking forward to reading each of your reviews when I get back.

Reviews are love, Reviews are life. Reviews are precious.

Lack of reviews sends me back into hibernation.

So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the previews!

Potential ones, at that.

Which do you like?

(Previews!)

Mordred didn't move.

She blurred at the doppelganger.

"You...fake! DIE! BEGONE! IMPOSTOR!"

"Well, Cu's probably still going to be Caster-

A fiery explosion answered.

"Yup. Called it."

Lev sneered.

"Since when were you in control?"

I'd never seen Heracles get pummeled like that.

Well. If I was going to die anyway...might as well go out laughing.

Spitefully, I snapped of a middle-fingered salute.

"Fuck you and fuck Goetia!"

Lev growled softly.

"Little cur...!

It was more than enough of a distraction; in that brief moment of hesitation, Heracles loomed over him. A wordless roar burst from the giant's throat.

And the traitor. Became. Paste.

R&R~! =D