This isn't as bad as it looks

by zman123

At the lowest point of low following the end of Evangelion as the still unappreciated and unloved Shinji Ikari thinks he's once again ruined everything, the kind and selfless sacrifices he managed in spite of his handicaps to make for those he loved finally come back to reward him and he slowly begins to learn that the end of the world isn't really the end of the world.

1. How disgusting

This isn't as bad as it looks. By Zman123

Chapter 1: How disgusting.

The young brown-haired boy felt as if his very body would crack from trauma as he looked around the devastated landscape that was all that was left now that human instrumentality and the third impact had happened.
He had lost everything and everyone he held dear, and he was going to spend the rest of eternity alone since EVA pilots who synched successfully with their EVA didn't age.

He caught one last glimpse of Rei's blue haired visage as she silently bade him farewell before vanishing into thin air. The one human being who felt any sort of connection for him had sacrificed herself to save him, but it felt more like punishment than reward.
Did he love her too much and dive too deep?

He had met with his mother briefly during his time in the painful limbo of instrumentality.
She had told him that everyone deserved a right to life and smiled at him, but even that couldn't ease the fact that having never been there for him through his childhood that even she would never fully understand him.
He guessed he liked the way she was willing to use herself to protect mankind but the way she so suddenly left him knowing how unstable a psycho his dad was, he didn't know if he could ever forgive.

And Shinji Ikari often insultingly nicknamed "Abra" was the meekest, most forgiving and least angry pacifist in all of NERV to the point his superior's mocked him for his perceived weakness at every turn they got.
The trait he expected would be the one thing to endear him even remotely to the world, was the flaw that made his entire lifetime one humiliation after another.

"Niceness is a weakness" He heard his red-haired roommate Asuka who he liked to think of as "Hondour", jeer.
"Stop being such a coward and man up" Purple haired Major Misato scolded. He secretly preferred to call her Houndoom, knowing that this was a nickname that would irk her if she found out.
Even his sweetheart Rei passively aggressively made fun of how since he couldn't love himself, he was not worthy of love from anyone else.

A weak and ragged gasp from behind him brought him back to his senses.

There laying on the beach still covered in bandages, was the barely conscious second child and second pilot Asuka Langely Soryu.

In spite of how his head still stung with all the slaps and punches she'd given to him at their last meeting, words could not begin to describe how grateful he was to have just one fellow human with him to endure this loneliness.
Maybe now would be the perfect time to finally give her that kiss she had silently been demanding for him for so long. Maybe this would finally appease her enough for her to consider finally seeing him in a more positive light.

Maybe…

But even as the overexcited romantic leaned his lips delicately forward, he felt the air being completely sucked from his windpipe as his neck was grabbed into a firm vice grip.
The first child looked into the second child's eyes only to see that they were as hateful as the day he first set eyes on them the day she arrived in Tokyo-3 from Germany to make his abuse filled life even harder.

The one thing she had any intent of doing with his aspirations was to choke them.
And the one aspect she loved him for was that he made an easy punching bag for her to vent her frustrations upon since he was the only one who couldn't fight back because of his sacred pact against unnecessary violence.

Tears filled his eyes as he communicated through mime as his voice had been cut off, the question of why Asuka was doing this to him despite them being the last two survivors of the human race and him still having no grudge against her whatsoever despite all the times she'd beaten him to a pulp with minimal to no provocation on his part.

He'd cooked her meals, tidied her room and taken the fall for her below average piloting performance so that NERV thought he was a far worse pilot than he really was and she was an amazing pilot who deserved parties and celebrations in honour of her astounding performance.
He'd lowered himself to the deepest abyss so that she could ascend to cloud nine to spend her days living in attention heaven.

He'd taken to hating himself so she could convince at least herself that she was confident and self-assured.

And as he let out a gag to let her know that soon her chokehold would utterly crush him to leave her as the only survivor unable to even reproduce to keep mankind going (as pointless a goal as that was now with there being no foreseeable vegetation aside from oceans of LCL fluid), she simply frowned disapprovingly as she tightened her grip on him even more.

"How disgusting" she mockingly spat, as the ban that checked Shinji's tears finally ran out and they rained bitterly down his cheeks as the last of his air supply begun to run dry.

"No" He whispered silently in his fragmented mind. "That's not fair. That's not fair at all. There was time now. All the time I needed to make Asuka like me more and to convince her I was worth something and for her to finally realize just how much I truly cared for her. NERV and SEELE are gone and it was my perfect chance to prove myself. To give her that kiss I had no confidence for and that she wanted long ago"

"It's not fair" he somehow managed to gasp out despite the tightness of Asuka's hands around his windpipe. "It's not fair."

Time seemed to blur as Shinji's eyes began to roll and his vision became twisted and fading.
So this was how it ended. Killed by the closest thing he had to a friend and family member since Rei was often too busy to even interact with him and Gendo and Misato were busy bossing everyone around.

A sound that sounded nothing short of heaven's highest seraphim chimed from behind him as quick and desperate footsteps thudded louder and louder from the corner of his mind that had not yet lost consciousness. It was enough to invigorate his failing eyesight slowly back despite how close to asphyxiation Asuka was bringing him.

"Yes Asuka. How disgusting. How disgusting that you don't appreciate the man who saved not only your life but all of our lives too."
The clearly angry but no less adorable and cute melodious voice that Shinji recognized from the figure's short but pretty brown hair as belonging to officer Maya (always Clefable to him), the most timid and shyest senior officer in NERV and the only one he didn't consider a jerk in spite of the positive light he tried to see all his superiors in.

Without further warning or words, Shinji felt his air supply finally be restored to him in the nick of time as surprisingly strong hands tugged the mad Asuka from him and knocked her hard to the earth causing her to cry out in fear.

"So, Shinji wasn't exaggerating when he said you were a heartless bully." The lieutenant harshly intoned, a fury in every word that would have intimidated even chief Gendo himself.
"So this is what that poor boy goes through every day."

The now completely shocked Asuka could only shake and shudder on the filthy sand she lay on unable to speak a word in her own defence. She could easily menace other children even if they were her fellow pilots in duty but grown ups and authority figures had her reeling like a guppy before a shark.

"I honestly expected better of you, second child. But I suppose you could say I'm the cowardly idiot for thinking that." Maya ashamedly sighed, clearly as furious with herself as she was with Asuka.

"Say you're sorry!" She ordered as she stood up and backed away while keeping a cautious eye on the redhead to allow Asuka to get up herself.

"No. Why should I?" Asuka nonchalantly retorted as she dusted herself down and spat out a few grains of sand. "That idiot asked for it."

"The only thing he asked for was for you to acknowledge his genuine and heartfelt affection for you, or at the very least to be left alone and not hit in the face every time you saw him." Maya sternly stated in the voice of a disappointed headmaster.
"Say sorry, or I'll be forced as your superior to discipline you personally."

When Asuka still dithered, against all of Shinji's expectations Maya raised a palm and tensed her arm, fully intending to follow through on her warning for once.
This was a far cry to the fragile and extremely volatile shrinking violet Shinji had come to slowly know and love back in NERV.
The Angel's weren't the most terrifying sight for him to behold. This was. But in the best way possible.

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Alright!?" Asuka sarcastically cried, not sounding sorry at all.

But Maya's palm stayed up.

"Say. I repent" She ordered. "You didn't sound sincere in the slightest with your last apology so I'm giving you one more chance before I enforce my authority over you."

Asuka scowled but once again dared not defy her figure of authority.
For the first time in her life, she really hated the part of her life motto of "failure was a weakness" stating that she must always obey her orders from her superiors however unpleasant to the best of her abilities and to the letter.
She began to see why Shinji preferred to do nothing than even try, and it was a slice of hard and grimy humble pie that was incredibly difficult to force down.

"Grr. I repent."

She seemed ready to step away with what remained of her dignity but next, the still not fully appeased Maya lowered her palm just a tiny fraction as she took a brief look at the still breathless but slowly recovering saviour of the world that had given Rei the incentive to give everyone in instrumentality a second chance making her return possible in the first place.

"Now say. I like you Shinji. Quite frankly after all he's done for you, I think that's the least you could do for him. Say that and I'll let you off this time with a warning, but I won't be so lenient next time."

"I'm not saying that." Asuka tried with her remaining self-respect to weakly breath out, close to tears herself with how humiliating this was.
She really wished Maya wasn't still wearing her officer's coat and badge so it would be easier just to choke Maya out as well and put her in her place along with Shinji where all cowards too pathetic to live belonged.

"You're going to say it. Or you're going to get me very angry. I usually don't target humans, but if you don't at least say this then you're clearly not human."
Maya's slightly dropping palm instantly raised again.

"You're probably going to tell me that since I'm threatening you with force that I'm wrong, but you've shown me that all this time this is exactly what you've been doing to Shinji. And I wouldn't be doing my duty as your commanding officer if I just let this problem slide. Because letting problems slide is why the world is messed up like it is now. Say it now, and we'll let this matter drop."

Asuka breathed a very shrill and defeated breath. She rolled her eyes.

"Say it" repeated Maya seriously.

"Pfft. Fine. I like you Shinji." She said, as quietly as she could so that all Shinji could hear was the wind.

"Say it louder." Maya instructed, aware of Asuka's trick. "Or it doesn't count, and I'll be forced against my will and principles, to enforce project DISCIPLINE."

And finally seeing there was no way out of this, Asuka finally gave in and in a faintly louder volume just loud enough to Shinji to make out clearly, she finally said the words that Shinji had been waiting all his life to hear. The words which if said earlier would easily have snapped him from depression and given him all the fighting willpower he needed to pilot a hundred EVA's to humanity's salvation and complete domination of the galaxy for human's over Angels.

"I…like…you…Shnji." Asuka rasped, faking a smile as she said it knowing this was the only thing that would finally get Maya to shut up and let her off the hook and knowing from childhood experience that project DISCIPLINE was no laughing matter.

"You'd better." Maya curtly warned as she stepped gingerly to Shinji's side still with her beady eye firmly clocking Asuka's every move like a cougar stalking its prey.
"He had nothing and you had everything and yet he gave you everything he had and you still didn't appreciate him. I see you being unfairly mean to him again and you know what happens."

Her soft side instantly took over as she gently caressed the now broken Shinji whose windpipe was not nearly as broken as his psyche.
"It's fine Shinji. Stay calm. I'm here. Your favourite lieutenant is here and everything's going to be okay."

"You're my favourite deputy" he sobbed out, his mind still too poisoned to talk sense or take full stock of what just happened.

"Aw how sweet" Maya affirmed as she continued to hold him in her arms like a good parent should.
It had been a fancy of hers to eventually do this and now that her dream had become reality, it really didn't feel as good as it should.
It felt infinite times better.
"Cry as much as you need to. I appreciate everything you've done."

She thought back to the times a group of school bullies menaced her on her way past Shinji's school to work, fully willing to crush her bones and slam her skull into a wall in return for the few yen she had in her pocket from the rubbish paycheque NERV gave her which was her only means to stave off starvation for the next week.

Just as it seemed all hope was lost, Shinji had bounded out of his classroom despite class still going and rushed the bullies, giving her the time to run away as though he couldn't inflict a scratch on the heavily muscled monsters, they turned on him finding him funnier to pick on instead.

She never even had a chance to thank her hero for his epic feat of heroism and she had slapped herself in anguish several times once she got to work.

"Somebody's poisoned the waterhole" Shinji blurted out next, his twisted mind drifting to the part of his vision that could through his madness let him see that there was nothing but red LCL around him.

"Don't worry about it, Shinji. What you're seeing is only a small part of the city. Plenty of buildings survived the big blast and things really aren't as bad as you think. Rei was actually able to stop a lot of the damage. In fact, there's a place not far from here that has a lot of supplies to last us a long time."
Maya comfortingly soothed, understanding without understanding exactly what he meant because of the deep emotional bond they'd developed in the short few times they saw each other.

It was almost karmic that because of their similarities, she was the first to be released from instrumentality successfully alongside Shinji.
Yui had visited her too and told her that Shinji needed a responsible parent figure now more than ever and that in spite of her flaws, Yui was confident that she was that person.

Ritsuko had nodded briefly as instrumentality lost its grip on her and brought her back to reality outside of the remains of NERV's central building. She knew what she needed to do and that she needed to do it quickly as she found a car that had somehow not exploded and had its keys in the ignition and its door open and drove off, a spiritual feeling she could not quite describe guiding her to the exact location she found Shinji just in time to pull Asuka off of him.

Probably Rei sending her telepathic messages which she explained to Maya in a vision that she could sometimes do with her newfound powers.

Shinji was slowly beginning to come to as he rubbed his thoroughly sore neck and looked at a now almost pathetic looking Asuka trying without success to look intimidating and strong.
He expected that she wouldn't exactly be welcoming, but that was just extreme.

"There's a snake in my boot" he accusingly said, pointing with a shaking finger at the Germanic redhead who he still deeply feared another attack from.
So this was what all his kind treatment of her got him in return?
No wonder she had no friends growing up, even if he did feel incredibly sorry for her parents neglecting her.

"If Asuka tries anything again, she'll answer to me. I'll see to it personally that she doesn't try anything again." Maya earnestly promised, taking a shameful gulp which, she did her best to hide as she cracked her knuckles at the girl in question who for all her usual audaciousness was still frightened enough by the gesture to stumble back a step.
She really didn't like fighting but from what she had just seen, force was tragically the only thing Asuka understood.

"For now, though Shinji. Thank you. Really. Thank you."

"For, for what?" the first pilot finally regaining his complete faculties nervously asked?

"For being there for me when it mattered. For doing what you could to stop this impact from occurring."

"And for helping realize that there was another way besides killing everyone I held dear and helping me see my evil master for who he really was." Rei's voice telepathically rang in Shinji's mind, speaking directly to him and no one else.

"You have a kind heart Shinji. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying." Maya insisted as she took a brief glance at the horizon and then back into Shinji's gleaming eyes as Asuka paced around uneasily behind the two of them.

"I never say the right things." He sadly protested with his head down. "I never impress the right people and I can't hold a conversation to save my life."

"You let your actions speak for themselves. And everyone around you is simply too absorbed in their own selfish needs to see just how important you were to them." Maya explained, barely able to hold her head up with the shame she felt was ripping her apart second by second.
"And yes I know. This is all rich coming from me. I shouldn't have let Misato stay near you. I should have let you stay with me. I tried to get your dad to change his mind. Oh, believe me. I did. But he insisted Misato and Asuka were the only people who could put you in shape and that if I didn't give up on my stupid idea, he'd just have me fired. And yes. I should have kept asking but I couldn't because I'm just that bad of a person who like everyone tells me, isn't worth the space I take up on Earth."

"No. don't say that. Maya. You're one of the only people aside from Rei who I felt I could trust. You're not like the others." Shinji was almost infuriated with just how indignant Maya was being with putting herself down like that. Then he took one look at the number of times he told himself he hated himself and realized just why he found it so easy to relate to her of all NERV members.

For lack of better words, he had found his mirror in both appearance and mind.
But now was not the time for soul searching. It was the time to survive.
He now had one incentive to survive.

"Then trust me when I tell you that there's a nice building, I saw on the way here where we can all crash for a while until we think of something better." Maya piped up, motivated by Shinji's trust in her.
"Follow me. I'll take us to it. I found a car earlier on that we can use to get there."

Shinji began to follow as she took her first steps towards the road but Asuka stood shock still, unable to comprehend the fact that such a timid shrinking violet was capable of such rage and seriousness.
Maya sensed her hesitation.

"You can come with us if you want, Asuka. But behave yourself and I don't want to see you picking on Shinji anymore. If you've got that, come on when you're ready."

Asuka took a look around the desolate and smashed landscape and blood red sea.
Then she sighed and very reluctantly dragged her feet towards Shinji and Maya who were at least polite enough to wait patiently for her to catch up before they continued towards the pavement a short distance from the coastline.

Sure enough as Maya said, there stood a cheap, lightly scratched but still perfectly usable black Toyota.

With one click of a button from a key she drew from her pocket, Maya opened the doors and beckoned for Shinji and Asuka to board along with her, Shinji riding shotgun and Asuka slumped in the backrow.

She waited to hear the slamming sound of Shinji and Asuka's doors closing followed by the metallic click of the two children putting their seatbelts on before doing likewise herself.
The vehicle revved into ignition and at a slow speed which quickly accelerated, took the three former NERV members across the surprisingly mostly undamaged ruins of Tokyo 3 which when looked at from up close, had sustained miraculously little damage if any.

Sure there was no life anywhere in sight, but that didn't change the fact that aside from a few unlucky smouldering wrecks which were often not even completely wrecks, most of the apartments, shops and offices were intact with not even a broken in door and window.

The lampposts were still up and the road they travelled was still unblocked by any kind of obstruction.
A few crashes could be seen further up another street but it did not hinder their journey in any significant way as Maya drove the car up a highway in reflective silence.

It was as if the only thing that the impact and instrumentality had really purged from the city was the people and life. Everything else, was largely the same.

It had looked a bit bad from on the shoreline but Shinji guessed this was only because of the fading light in the sky and the fact he was in a state of delirium upon first waking up freed from instrumentality by Rei's grace and his own newfound willpower.

He liked the way Maya's driving was steadier and she didn't make sudden turns or abrupt stops like the often-drunk Misato did.
They eventually reached what looked to be an abandoned shopping mall.

"This is the place" The sole adult in the car announced as she brought the car to a gentle stop and got out followed closely by the two emotionally scarred pre-teens.
The glass door was obviously locked but this problem was easily rectified by Maya simply fishing out a handy rock from the nearby ditch and smashing the glass till it broke enough for her to slip through whereupon she opened the now broken door from the other side to allow Shinji and Asuka to cross safely and at ease.

As they had already seen through the big glass windows designed no doubt to advertise, the ground floor store area was filled with various delicacies of all sorts.
Canned drinks, bottled drinks and even still drinkable milk and juice in a fridge that was for some reason still functional along with the lights in the room.
There were plenty of snacks. Crisps, cakes, sweets and even ice cream. Shinji loved ice cream.

And of course, actual proper meals. Canned, packed, meat, fruits, veggies. Noodles and pizza. It was obvious this place had just recently received a complete restocking shipment.

The gigantic portion of food stored in this disused consumerism trap would keep the three of them going for a while.

"This is…pretty incredible" Shinji breathlessly admitted, not expecting that it would take so long before he needed to remotely worry about starving to death.

"I bet there's even better upstairs" Maya smartly commented as she pressed the button for a lift which along with the lights and fridge was also still perfectly functional.
It didn't even make any strange noises as it dragged them up to the next floor. Shinji taking care to keep well away from Asuka during the wait and Maya firmly fixing her sights for any suspicious sign of movement from the German girl.

As they had seen partly from the big glass windows from outside, the first floor was riddled with shelf upon shelf of DVD's which even had the courtesy to be arranged in alphabetical order and separated according to genre and style.
There were Anime's, Live action cinematics, comedies and documentaries as if Shinji would ever want to bore himself with one of those.
"But no TV" Asuka cynically stated in an attempt to killjoy the happiness to which Maya simple raised a finger for her to wait before jumping to conclusions as she gave a locked staffroom door a few kicks until it went down revealing three comfortable armchairs positioned around a retro but pretty nifty looking black viewing box which a click of the on button to set it to the preview mode it came pre-installed with, revealed worked perfectly.

Maya guessed this building had some kind of generator and judging from the roof, solar panels as well which with how thin the ozone layer and clouds must have been after the impact, would be far more than efficient enough to do their job.

Not that they couldn't just go into town and find another generator in the event they did run out of course.

"I guess the only question now" Maya stated as she took out a packet of popcorn she had brought from downstairs and ripped it open. "Is. What do you want to watch first. Shinji?"

The answer was out of his mouth before her question even finished.

"I want to watch Pikachu use thunderbolt"

"You mean like this?" she held up the disc which had clearly been put here for whatever event the owner of this place planned to host next before the impact happened.
It of course, showed the infamous yellow mouse in question shocking a fire breathing dragon five times its size.

"Erm. Yeah."

"Well what are we waiting for. Let's put this thing in and get this party started" Maya cheered as she put the disc into the drive and a few adverts rolled on the screen.

"Why does he get to choose. This is a stupid movie with stupid characters and a completely nonsensical plot. If anything I should be the one choosing" Asuka complained.

"Consider yourself lucky that we're even letting you watch this with us. If you don't start behaving yourself, you're going into time out and we're watching without you. So sit quietly and enjoy the movie or else."
The woman Shinji considered his temporary parent snapped back as the opening scenes came on.

"But what about the others? Will they be able to come back from instrumentality?" Shinji worriedly asked to which instead of Maya replying, Rei's telepathic voice formed in his mind once more.

"Yes they will. It may take some time and some decision of their own, but those who value their life or aspects of it can eventually come back if they so choose to."

"Uh yeah. What she said" Maya told Shinji, clearly having heard it too this time since it was addressed to everyone in the room.

Asuka grumbled. This corny junk was going to make her die of boredom before starvation killed her.
She raised a fist in anger as Rei's voice sounded once more, this time in her mind and hers alone.

"I, Rei can see EVERYTHING" Rei (AKA to Shinji adoringly as Smoochum) slowly and menacingly told her.
"So play nice."

Shinji felt gripped with gratitude. He felt this was better than his normal life.
In a normal life, he would be imprisoned in school for five days only to spend the remaining two being pushed around by Asuka and Misato doing the same chores he already did now.

Still his father wouldn't like him. Still his mother would be too busy to make time for him. And still everyone would think he was a loser with no life and he'd only get a few hours per week to chill and be himself.

Here in this world. Money no longer existed. The need to work was also non-existent. Sure eventually he'd have to find more food but not for a while.
In the real world. 5 days of work and 2 days of freedom for most people, and 7:0 for the unlucky doormat him.
But here in the post-impact world. Every day a Sunday.

Maybe it would take a while for everyone else to decide to join him in his bizarre paradise. But for now he had Maya to keep Asuka in line and appreciate the past services he'd rendered NERV and the uncaring world. And she was more than enough for him.

Chapter 1 complete.
See what I think is that some situations aren't as bad as they look. And even if things were different, they'd still be the same. I sincerely can't believe that Shinji is the only one who would choose to come back from instrumentality when everyone has the choice to, as stated by Rei.
And even in the "better world without EVA's" in the last episode, Shinji's life is still hell.

He's still ignored by his mother and father (who still only cares about NERV), still gets woken up when he doesn't want to be and slapped by Asuka.
Rei still doesn't return his affections. His classmates still make him a laughingstock and he still has to take lessons he doesn't like from Misato who still sees him as a toy more than a person and doesn't take him seriously.

And he will most likely grow up fading into mediocrity working a dead end job with barely enough to sustain himself, unable to decide much.

Some reviews would be greatly appreciated but for now, thanks for reading.