Chapter 12

My heavy eyelids fluttered open, as the obscenely loud pounding in my head woke me up. The slightest movement caused my vision to blur, although it wasn't very clear to start with. It took me a while to work out my surroundings, as my eyes focused on the plain ceiling above me for what felt like an eternity, before nervously shifting to the unfamiliar furniture around me.

The blood raced through my veins as panic began to set in and some scattered fragments of yesterday's evening flashed through my mind. There was a lot of alcohol, evidently its traces still held me in their grasp, but there was also a lot of laughter, talking, and… Damon. There was a whole lot of Damon everywhere.

A sudden wave of guilt had me startled, and forgetting about the headache, I sat up straight, fully alert. The bed was empty, and I was still wearing the clothes from yesterday, so I couldn't have done anything stupid. I sighed with relief, as my breathing slowly resumed to its normal rate. I was still befuddled by the fact that I'd spent the night in an unknown place, for unknown reasons.

I located my phone on the bedside table to my right, expecting to find a string of missed calls and text messages from Enzo, but there were none. A familiar sting of pain shot through me at the realisation, but perhaps this was the better alternative. I wouldn't have to explain my absence, and considering that I wouldn't know what to say, this was probably for the best.

That didn't push our problems aside though, Enzo and I still needed to talk.

A faint knock on the door interrupted my internal monologue. "Elena?"

The soft-spoken voice was like music to my ears. I was weirdly settled by his presence, if not a tiny bit happy that I'd still get to see him for a short while.

"Yeah, I'm up." Discarding the sheets to the side, I moved to sit on the edge of the bed, stabilizing my stance.

I couldn't remember the last time that sitting down required this level of concentration.

The door slowly opened, and Damon walked through, appearing fresh and put together, so the complete opposite to how I looked. He greeted me with a shy smile, as if he were trying not to startle me, and handed me a glass of water and some aspirin.

The parallel of the situation did not escape me.

"How are you doing?" He leaned against the wall, his eyes watching me with a flicker of humour in them.

"Not as good as you apparently." I mumbled before washing down the painkillers.

This was so not how I wanted Damon to see me. Soon enough he would decipher the mess that hid behind the closed doors, and I was not prepared for that kind of show and tell. There was an impulsive need inside of me that dictated those appearances had to be kept up, otherwise all else would start to crumble.

And things were undoubtedly crumbling down right now.

"You should have seen me first thing in the morning." He countered with a chuckle. "I left some stuff for you in the bathroom, and I'll be downstairs in the kitchen. Come down whenever you're ready."

I had so many questions, like what the hell happened last night and what I was doing in Damon's house, but clearly they would have to wait. I didn't have it in me to argue and demand answers, plus the prospect of a warm shower was enticing, even if this was his shower.

He was out of the room before I had the chance to respond, so deciding to go along with his idea, I eventually grumbled out of the bed and made my way to the bathroom. Damon didn't think to give me any navigations, but luckily for me it was just next to the room that I slept in, and the doors were left wide open.

There was a set of fresh towels, a brand-new toothbrush, and a dark blue sweatshirt that I'd seen a hundred of times before. Instinctively, I picked it up and brought it up to my nose, hoping for a whiff of my past. Unsurprisingly, all that I could smell was the regular scent of a washing powder. But I was certain that this was the sweatshirt. I'd worn it before, many times. It belonged to Damon, but for I really liked it, so I wore it whenever I would get my hands on it.

Why did he still have it after all these years? Why was this the thing that he picked out for me? There were too many thoughts swirling in my head.

The shower helped to put me in the right frame of mind. I was slightly better equipped to tackle the morning and the conversations that would follow. At last, I pulled on my jeans and threw on the sweatshirt; it was just as soft as I remembered, and it still swallowed me whole.

Heading down the stairs, there were a couple of framed photos hanging up on the wall and I tried my best not to peer, but the efforts proved futile. The shred of dignity that I had left screamed at me to look and imprint the image into my brain. Damon was a married man. I could never allow myself to forget that.

Come to think of it, it might have been a bit late for that reflection.

"Feeling better?" Damon perked up when he noticed me standing in the doorway.

"A little bit, yeah." A small smile appeared on my face. "Is this the same sweatshirt?"

His stare roamed up and down my body, but there was nothing sexual about it. He looked pleased to see me wearing it.

Damon nodded in answer to my question. "Still looks better on you than it did on me."

"Hungry?" He followed up, setting some plates on the table.

This image was far too close to the hidden figments of my imagination; Damon preparing breakfast for the two of us, whilst I was wearing his clothes, neither of us in a rush to be anywhere particular. This was just how I envisioned our future together, back in the day.

Well, maybe minus the small signs of his wife's presence in the house, like the collection of perfume in the spare room or the flowery scarf wrapped around the newel post of the staircase.

The hunger subsided, as usual, when the sting of guilt settled over me once again. This wasn't just Damon's house; it was also Andie's. This was wrong on so many levels.

I pulled out a chair and sat down at the kitchen table, trying my best to act normal. "Where's Andie?"

"In Virginia, she's staying with her family for the week."

"Oh, okay." I acknowledged, comforted by the fact she wouldn't parade in here all of the sudden. "Would you mind filling in some blanks for me? I'm slightly confused about all this."

Damon chuckled, and I was baffled by his amused reaction; the humour in all this was yet to reach me.

"I told you that you couldn't hold all that liquor." He slid a cup of coffee into my hands and took a seat opposite me. "Ask away."

"What am I doing here?"

"Well, you were completely wasted by the end of the night. I wanted to get you a cab home, but you refused, apparently that was the last place that you wanted to go." Damon recalled with consternation.

Oh no, this was worse than I had expected.

"You were pretty adamant about staying at the bar and getting even more wasted, but I couldn't just leave you there. So, I took you back to mine."

"And I had no problem with that?" I swallowed nervously.

For all I knew, the drunk, reckless Elena had an agenda in mind.

"I carried you out of there kicking and screaming, so make of that what you will." Damon grinned, avidly watching my reaction.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." My cheeks flamed up. "I have no idea what got into me… you should have just left without me."

"So that someone could take advantage of your state? No way." His forehead creased with disapproval. "Besides, you barely weigh anything, so it's not like I strained a muscle."

"Well, thank you for looking after me. And I am sorry for being such a bother. I think I'll stray from alcohol for the foreseeable future."

A decision that I should have come to much sooner than today. Getting tipsy with Damon was a dangerous game to play, and I deserved to pay for the consequences of being so dumb. With that declaration, I brought the mug to my lips and took a sip of the hot coffee.

"Hardly a bother, you went to sleep like a baby once I put you to bed."

"If you're trying to embarrass me even more, it's working."

The corner of his lips twitched, and his eyes creased, causing a wave of warmth to spread through my body.

In the entire history of knowing Damon, I was yet to see the day in which I was immune to his charm. Even the slightest glance in my direction had the power to stir something inside of me.

And as the tingling sensation raced through me, the events from last night hit me like a tsunami.

"Tell me, what's the new Elena Gilbert like?"

We'd made ourselves more comfortable by moving to a booth, landing a secluded area that awarded us with privacy and virtually no distractions. Damon's stance visibly relaxed; his jacket laid discarded by his side; his sleeves rolled up.

The temperature in the room increased with each drop of alcohol, so I didn't hesitate in removing my cardigan, which left me cladded in just a tank top. I was past the stage of caring.

"There's nothing to say, that would be the most boring conversation in the world."

"Come on, you made me give you a tour of the last twelve years of my life." His brows knitted as he pointed an accusatory finger at me. "It's only fair that you do the same."

"My life in comparison to yours has been a walk in the park." I argued with a shrug.

I couldn't think of anything exciting to share, which honestly bummed me out a bit.

"You're a terrible liar, Elena. Always have been."

"That was me telling the truth." I rolled my eyes. "Really, I thought I had it bad with trying to get over you, making it through college and dealing with my emotionally unavailable parents. But turns out it's nothing worth dwelling on."

His gaze studied me for a moment, and then he lifted the glass and downed some of its contents, as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down.

"How did you do it?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"Do what?"

"How did you get over me?"

I sensed an edgy tone in his voice, like he wasn't sure whether he really wanted to know the answer.

"I can't say that I did, you were always somewhere in the back of my mind." I admitted with a heavy sigh, surprised by my own honesty. "At first I hated it, I didn't want you having any power over me. Eventually I stopped being so angry all of the time, and I welcomed all thoughts and memories of you. You were like this invisible ghost, always standing over my shoulder. That was the delusional stage."

A sneer escaped my lips. With hindsight, everything was much clearer. I pursed my lips as I gathered the courage to continue.

"Then I had the phase of searching for love in every stranger. I'd look for the smallest things that reminded me of you. Blue eyes, dark hair, sense of humour, black leather jacket. As you can imagine, it ended terribly. So, after that I went back to existing, just feeling less spiteful."

I sat still, swirling around the contents of my drink, watching the ice-cubes clash against one another. The water beads from the glass had started to glide down my fingers, but I was far too incapacitated to do anything about it.

"What about your fiancé?" Damon broke the almost breathless silence.

"We only met five years ago. He got me out of a fine." The memory made me chuckle. "We were just friends for a long time. But he was the only guy that knew how to make me laugh, and I enjoyed being around him. It was sort of natural that way."

The innocence and simplicity of our relationship got lost somewhere along the way.

"Are you happy?"

This time I looked up at him, the question staggering me.

"That's a big question."

A crooked smile replaced the determined expression on his face.

"We've got nothing but time."

"Why do you want to know?" I asked with blatant suspicion.

"Because I care about you." Damon replied with sincerity.

I knew that he meant it, and I didn't like how it made me feel special. But I couldn't deny that I still cared for him too. I couldn't imagine that I'd ever stop.

"Work is great. I barely have any wrinkles. I get to travel the world. I have a great fiancé when he's around. I guess I can't complain."

"How is he not around?"

"Well, let's see. It's Thursday today, so he's working late for the third day in a row. I'm lucky if we get one weekend together per month. Sometimes he calls, sometimes he doesn't. But other than that, things are really good."

"Not a very good fiancé, if you ask me."

"You're one to talk." I pointed out with a grin. "You're at a bar in the middle of the night with me, your ex-girlfriend, and we have zero business spending time together."

"Touché." He chuckled, the irony catching up with him. "I stand by my statement."

"Since we're doing the whole uncomfortable questions thing.." Damon's bold attitude was beginning to rub off on me. "How did you know that Andie was the one? That you wouldn't wake up with regrets one day?"

"I didn't." He put it simply. "Do you have doubts of your own?"

I shrugged; my gaze glued to the bottom of the glass. "I don't know if I'd call it having doubts, I just thought that it would be different… with the wedding plans going on, the date being picked."

"What did you think it would be like?"

"Doesn't matter, it's stupid." I brushed it off dismissively, feeling silly for bringing it up in the first place.

Damon's palm moved to rest over my knee in what was surely meant as a comforting gesture, but not to my drunken mind. The warmth of his hand spread through my body like wildfire.

"Your feelings aren't stupid, Elena."

Oh, they were, Damon had no idea just how stupid they were, especially right now.

"Well, they're embarrassing, and they ruin everything for me." I mumbled. "I'm self-destructive, I can't help it."

"I know a thing or two about that." He murmured with consolation.

"How do you stop that?"

He sighed, leaning back. "You allow yourself to be happy, sometimes you need to take the risk. Every person makes mistakes, it's unavoidable."

"This is not a mistake that I can afford to make.." I caught the bottom lip between my teeth. "Do you ever wonder what it was all for?"

"You and me?"

I nodded. "If we were never meant to be together, then what was it all for? I was so sure of you, I thought that I had it all figured out."

"If things were different .. It could have still worked." Damon countered quietly.

"If you weren't married? Maybe." I blew out a sigh. "Like they say, timing is a bitch."

Every thought that I should have kept to myself was suddenly being publicized like there was no tomorrow.

"What would happen if it was on our side.." His tongue grazed over the bottom lip.

"We sure as hell wouldn't be sitting here talking with you looking at me like that."

"How am I looking at you?" He sounded unphased by my observation.

"Like you're thinking of all the things that you'd do to me if we were alone."

I recognised the hunger that pooled in the orbs of Damon's icy blues. I might not have known the man that he was today; I had no idea what his favourite movie was or how he took his coffee, but I still knew the part of him that craved me.

There was no point in lying; his dark desires mirrored mine exactly.

"I need to go to the bathroom." I stood up in a frenzy, determined to break free from the forbidden urges and the enclosed space before I did something mindless.

I hurried down the dark corridors, bumping into several people along the way, my eyes steadily on the lookout for the rest room. I needed to splash my face with some cold water, maybe that would sober me up. My urges were getting to me, I was so close to giving in.

Then, I felt a pair of strong arms grab me from behind and spin me around, and I was met with Damon's stern chest.

"What are you doing?" I asked breathlessly.

"I didn't mean to freak you out." His arms slid down my waist, but instead of removing them from my body, he kept them on my hips.

"You're not the one that I'm scared of." My voice was shaky.

He reached out and gently caressed my cheek, the intimate touch grounding my stance.

All that I could think about were Damon's lips and how they'd feel against mine.

"Elena…"

"Kiss me."

I wasn't sure if this was a question or a demand, but I knew that I wanted it more than anything.

I watched the switch go off and everything about Damon shifted from gentle to feral, as he easily obliged, smashing his lips against mine. The force of the kiss had me stumbling into a wall, but I welcomed the pain that came with it. I needed the friction, I needed to know that this was real.

My hands shot up to Damon's hair, pulling his face closer, as our tongues fought for dominance. There was nothing sweet about this kiss. I poured years of frustration, pain and longing into it, finally able to wallow in the man that had the utter control of my heart.

My breasts were pressed up against his chest, almost spilling out of my top, the friction between us was driving me to the brink. His hands travelled all over my body, reconnecting the dots from so long ago, and I wanted to feel them on my bare skin. I wanted to get rid of the clothing barrier, I wanted to lick and taste every square inch of his body.

I heard myself moan into his lips when the bulge in his pants rubbed against the inside of my thigh. I knew that I was dripping with desire and if there was a way for us to get a room, that I'd go through with it.

I'd do anything to feel him inside me again.

And then my consciousness finally caught on.

I peeled my mouth from Damon's and placed one hand on his chest. "We can't do this."

He leaned his forehead against mine, chest heaving up and down.

"I know."

"We kissed." I blurted out as my fingertips hovered over my lips.

"We were drunk, Elena."

His reaction was underwhelming.

"How does that make it okay?"

"It doesn't." Damon sighed, looking down. "But it happened, and there's nothing we can do about it. We didn't take it any further, isn't that what counts?"

I gaped at him. "I think what counts is the fact that I wanted to have sex with you, when I'm in a relationship with someone else."

"And I'm married, and that thought didn't even cross my mind when you were grinding against me." He confessed like it was nothing. "We fucked up, I get it."

Fucked up didn't even begin to cover the extent of the damage that we did with one kiss.

Maybe it didn't seem so detrimental, but it was just the same as having an affair.

The love that I had for Damon would now forever be stained by something so immoral.

The love that I felt for Enzo… how could I even speak of love anymore?

"I need to go."

I stood up abruptly and left the kitchen to gather my things. I couldn't stay there any longer.

"Elena, please stop." Damon followed me out. "You're spiralling, give yourself some time."

"For what? To get used to the idea that I'm an awful person?" I retorted, tearing up.

"You're not an awful person… we're just lost, and we made a mistake."

"This whole thing is a mistake, Damon. We should have never met up, not the first time, not yesterday, not ever."

A grimace flashed across his face. "Don't say that.."

"Your wife loves you." I reminded him, swallowing nervously. "She's an amazing person, she is the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't screw that up because of me."

I couldn't bring myself to say her name. I was yet to find out how I'd ever get the audacity to look at her face without drowning in shame.

"What if I don't love her?" Damon challenged; his eyes locked with mine.

"That's not my problem." I shook my head as a tear slid down my cheek.

"You damn right know that it is."

"I don't want to be in the middle of this…" I interjected and wanted to step away, but Damon grabbed my hand.

"Seriously, Elena?" He snickered. "You're in the middle of this whether you like it or not, just as much as I am."

"How does it concern me if you love her or not? That's your life Damon!"

"It concerns you, because you're the one that I can't get out of my fucking head." He spat out angrily. "You wanna know why I got married? Because I thought that you were better off without me, that there was no chance of us ever being together again. And then one day you just showed up, and you made me feel alive all over again... you made me realise that I should have never given up."

"It's too late now, Damon." My lips trembled and I felt my heart breaking again. "There will never be an us again."

"How can you say that it's too late?" His head cocked to the side, and he tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear. "I see the way that you look at me, and the way you kissed me last night.. I know that you feel it too, Elena."

"None of that matters, I'm with Enzo now."

"Are you in love with him?"

Months ago, I would have said yes, no questions asked. Today, I didn't know how I felt about Enzo, or Damon for that matter.

"I have to go."

That was all that I managed to mutter out. The disappointment in Damon's face tore me to bits, but we both knew that I had to leave.

It wasn't about what we wanted, we weren't kids anymore. This was about doing the right thing.

The apartment was empty, everything was left untouched since yesterday morning. The deafening silence was of no comfort, leaving me alone with the battle of thoughts in my head. I needed a distraction, something to keep me occupied, but that would merely delay the inevitable.

I had to think my life through. There was no use in pretending that Damon's return had no impact on me, when in reality it had turned my life upside down. I could make up all the lies and continue to look the other way, but he saw right through it.. at the end of the day, Damon still had a hold over me.

Right now, though, I had something else to do.

"Enzo?" He picked up almost instantly.

"Hey baby, what's up?"

I didn't know whether I still had the right, but I was angry. "Are you at work?"

"Yeah, I slept in my office. We finished late with the guys, it didn't make sense to go back home. I had to be in court at 7 this morning." Enzo sighed with exasperation. "You didn't stay up all night waiting for me, did you?"

I wished I had.

"No, I was just worried. You didn't call or text."

"I know, I'm sorry. But I'm finishing up this hearing and I'll be on my way home." He sounded relieved. "See you in two hours or so, love you."

"Love you too."

I practically choked on the words.

I was deceiving everyone, but most importantly, I was deceiving myself.

My reflection in the mirror hadn't changed. I stood there for a good couple of minutes, searching for a trace of something different. I was disappointed with myself, that much was obvious thanks to the scowl look on my face.

Suddenly I felt sick, and not merely in the metaphorical sense. Acting as fast as I could, I covered my mouth and quickly run to the toilet.

A/N: Hello! Back with another update, which I fear will be hated by some.. This chapter took forever to write due to adulting and things coming up constantly! But I finished it this evening, and I love how it turned out. I'm not condoning cheating, I'm not trying to make this about sex, but it's a complicated relationship and complicated history that these two share.. so it's a bumpy ride, that's for sure. I hope that you enjoyed it. Pleaaaaaaseeeeee let me know your thoughts.

On a side note, thank you so much for the reviews! I'm seeing a lot of new faces around here, and a lot of regular readers that I'm so so grateful for. If you read a story that you enjoy, please make sure to let the writer know - reviews are so motivating to read, and it's so lovely to see you guys engage with the story and the characters.

Have a great weekend guys, and see you soon! Kaya xx