Chapter 5: Christmas Eve

A/N: I don't know if people care/are interested, but I joined Twitter specifically to post about my stories. I'd love to connect with readers. cloudyunicorn98 (because cloudyunicorn698 was too many characters).

Before

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Maura felt so warm and comfortable. She didn't want to wake up yet, but her mind had other ideas. She slowly opened her eyes. A soft smile tugged at her lips when she saw that Jane was sound asleep in the bed next to her. Maura watched her friend sleep; Jane's breathing was slow and deep. She looked so at peace. Maura couldn't believe how lucky she was to have a friend like Jane. She was so glad that her daughter would have such an amazing woman in her life, as well. They were both beyond lucky.

Maura slipped out of bed as quietly as possible. She got dressed and headed downstairs, intending to make Jane a big breakfast. When she glanced outside, she couldn't believe the amount of snow already on the ground and it was still falling. It looked like she and Jane were going to be snowed in together for a while. She usually loved spending Christmas with all of their friends and family, but she had to admit that there was something special about just getting to spend the holiday with her best friend.

Just as Maura was finishing the last of the pancakes, Jane joined her in the kitchen. "Whatcha doin'?" Jane asked as she bumped her hip against Maura's.

Maura couldn't help the giggle that escaped her lips. "I'm making breakfast," she said.

"Are you going to put hot sauce on pancakes?" Jane asked, scrunching her nose in disgust at the idea.

Maura looked down at the food she was cooking. "Maybe just the peanut butter," she said.

Jane laughed. "I'll get plates and stuff."

A few minutes later, they were sitting side-by-side at the island. Jane was shoveling food in her mouth when she noticed that Maura wasn't eating much. She was about to ask what was wrong, but she suspected she knew, so instead, she stood up and brought over the hot sauce without saying a word.

Maura looked up from her food, and the smile that took over her face at the sight of the hot sauce warmed Jane's heart.

"Thank you, Jane," she said happily. "I know it's not appetizing to you, but nothing tastes right without it." Maura poured the hot sauce over her chunky peanut butter covered pancakes.

"Wouldn't be easier to just drink the hot sauce?" Jane teased.

Maura laughed loudly. "I shouldn't admit this, but I have made a bowl of peanut butter mixed with hot sauce and eaten it without anything else," she said through her laughter.

"Okay, I have to taste this," Jane said, reaching over her fork and taking a big piece of pancake, chunky peanut butter, and hot sauce. Her entire face scrunched in disgust as she swallowed before coughing. "Nope, no, that's truly disgusting," she said with another cough.

Maura laughed. "More for me," she said with a smile.

"Have at it," Jane teased. "I'll stick with syrup. I like all three of those things, but definitely not together. Bleh!"

The rest of the day was relaxing. They decided to save their Christmas gifts for each other for the next day, so they spent most of the day in comfortable clothing on the couch watching Christmas movies. By mid-afternoon, Maura was sound asleep with her head on Jane's lap as Jane played with her hair. Her last thought before she fell asleep was how grateful she was that Jane was here with her, that Jane had thought to come over before the snowstorm so that they would be together for the holidays, that Jane was her best friend, that Jane was her family.

After

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Maura sat in the corner of the common area staring at her hands in her lap and fidgeting with her ring. Her anxiety had been increasing all week the closer they got to Jane's visit. She had cycled between being excited to see Jane, nervous that Jane would be angry with her when she did arrive, and absolutely convinced that Jane wasn't going to show.

Now that it was five to one, Maura was back to completely convinced that Jane wasn't going to show. Why would she? Of course, she's going to decide that she wants to spend the holiday with her family, especially after seeing them this morning. Or she'll just decide that the drive isn't worth it. Or that Maura isn't worth it. Or…or…or…

Maura's mind was spiraling out of control as she continued to stare at her hands, refusing to look anywhere else. She didn't want to see the happiness on her fellow residents' faces when their families walked in while her heart was breaking because once again, her family didn't show. How many times had that happened when she was growing up? How many parents' weekends had her parents promised to visit while she was in boarding school only to not show without even calling her beforehand? How many conversations had she had with her mother about whatever social event Constance couldn't miss because she 'didn't have a choice'? How many times had her mother promised to come meet Alice 'next month'? How many times had she been left waiting for her family not to show up?

How many times had Jane failed to show up for her? Never. Not once had Jane not been there for her when she told Maura she would be there. And for that reason, Maura couldn't stop herself from looking up when the door leading to the check-in area opened.

What Maura didn't know but maybe should have was that Jane had been sitting in the parking lot for nearly forty-five minutes before checking in at the front desk at 12:45. Jane was now waiting – almost as nervously as Maura – on the other side of the door. Trying to be patient enough not to push past other waiting family members in her attempts to be first through the door, Jane stood slightly to the side, worrying the scars on her hands and bouncing nervously on her toes. She was nice enough not to step in front of the family with two kids waiting to see their mom, but everyone else could wait, making her the fourth person through the door.

As though her body was somehow drawn to Maura by an invisible force, her eyes found her best friend the second she stepped through the door. Her first few steps were slow as her gaze searched Maura's face for her reaction to seeing Jane, but as Maura stood up hesitantly from her chair, Jane couldn't hold herself back anymore. She crossed the room in three large strides in an instant and pulled Maura into a bone-crushing hug. When she felt Maura return the hug, she nearly collapsed in relief. She didn't even try to hide the tears that were flowing down her face.

Maura buried her face in the crook of Jane's neck as she clung onto her best friend as though her life depended on it – and in some ways, it felt like it did. Afterall, she was completely convinced that Jane was the only reason she was still alive at this point. When a sob wracked her body, Jane only held on tighter.

After nearly a minute of just standing there holding onto each other, Maura stepped back and tried to wipe the evidence of her tears from her face.

"You look great," Jane said quietly, and she meant it. She hadn't seen Maura look this much like…well, Maura…in nearly a year. She was wearing a dark green A-line dress with a patent black belt and patent black heels. She had also done her make-up. Jane wasn't sure the last time she had seen Maura with make-up on. Not that she really needed it; Maura was naturally beautiful. Still, she knew that Maura liked that stuff, and that was what mattered to Jane.

Maura let out a nervous laugh. "I'm sure my face is all red and blotchy, and my make-up has to be all over my face," she said, but she couldn't help the small smile that graced her face.

"No, I mean…" Jane started.

"I know what you mean," Maura gently interrupted, offering Jane a shy smile. "Thank you for coming, Jane," she added quietly.

Jane rolled her eyes playfully. "You don't have to thank me for being somewhere I want to be," she replied.

Before they could say anything more, Maura's doctor joined them.

"Hi, Jane," Nancy said. "You may not remember me, but I'm Nancy."

"I remember," Jane said quickly, offering her hand to shake Nancy's. "We met when I brought Maura. You're Maura's lead doctor, right?"

"Yes," Nancy replied with a smile. "I don't like to assume that people remember me, especially when the only time they've met me is when they're checking in a loved one."

"I get that," Jane replied.

"Jane has a very good memory of people," Maura interjected softly.

Nancy smiled. "Well, I won't take too much of your time, but I just wanted to tell you a few things," she said. "You can be in any of the common areas, essentially anywhere you can go during your free time. You are also allowed to be in your bedroom. However, the door must remain open at all times. I will be circling among the residents and their guests, so at some point this afternoon, I will find you so that the three of us can have a conversation. In the meantime, if you need me, you can ask any staff member to find me or if you are in your room, you can use the call buttons. Otherwise, there are snacks in the dining room all afternoon. Please enjoy your time together."

"Thank you," Maura and Jane replied at the same time.

Maura looked nervously at Jane after Nancy left.

"We can do whatever you want to do," Jane said quietly.

"Um, well, I could show you my room, and maybe we could talk," Maura suggested. "Then, I can take you on a tour of the rest of the facility this afternoon; maybe when we want a snack."

"Sure," Jane said.

Maura nodded, and Jane could still see how nervous her friend was. As Maura was turning to lead Jane towards the private residential area of the facility, Jane stopped her. When Maura was looking at her, she said gently, "Hey. It's just me. You don't have to be nervous."

"I-I know," Maura said weakly before turning to continue their path to her room.

Jane followed half-a-step behind Maura, stepping completely behind her every once in a while, as they made room for people passing in the other direction. Maura unlocked her door and stepped inside before stepping aside to let Jane enter the room. She stood, chewing her bottom lip and watching Jane's reaction, as Jane's eyes quickly scanned the room.

The closet was along the same wall as the door. On the opposite wall, there was a large window with a retractable black-out screen in between two glass panels. Maura had the screen open, and Jane could see the snow falling softly in the trees. To the left of the window, against the wall, there was a twin bed and nightstand. Between the closet and the bed on the left wall was a small dresser. On the right side of the room, near the corner where the window was located were two comfortable chairs with a small round table in between them.

"Oh, they already dropped your stuff off," Jane said, noticing the bag at the end of Maura's bed. Jane had had to check-in the items she brought from home for Maura at the front desk, and the staff delivered them to her room (presumably after searching it, not that Jane would ever bring something that wasn't allowed).

"Thank you for bring everything," Maura said quietly. Jane glanced at Maura to see that the other woman was still nervously wringing her hands in front of her.

Jane turned towards Maura and gently pulled her hands apart before pulling her in for another hug. "Of course," she whispered into Maura's hair. When they separated, Jane said, "I know you probably want to unpack and hang everything up."

"It can wait," Maura tried, but when Jane raised her eyebrow in Maura's direction, they both laughed. "Okay, thank you."

"See, I know you," Jane said confidently as she half-sat, half-fell into one of the armchairs while Maura unzipped the bag. "You woulda been thinking about your clothes wrinkling the whole time we were talking if you didn't unpack it right away."

Maura laughed again. "Mmhmm, probably," she admitted.

Jane smiled but didn't say anything else as she watched Maura unpack. Internally, she was doing a happy dance. Seeing Maura care about something the way she used to – even something as trivial as wrinkles in her clothes – made Jane happier than she could ever put into words.

"What's in the envelope?" Maura asked, holding up a yellow mailing envelope that had been at the bottom of the bag.

"Oh, um, pictures," Jane said. "I, uh, called to make sure if was okay, but I meant to tell you. You don't have to look at them now…or ever…or whatever. I mean, it's okay if maybe you want to look at them with your doctor or whatever."

Maura ran her finger along the side of the envelope as she thought about it for a few minutes. Eventually, she decided to wait and set the envelope on her nightstand. "I think I'd like to look at them with you and Nancy later, if that's okay," she said quietly as she rezipped the bag and set it to the side of the dresser. A staff member would pick it up later and store it since residents were allowed to keep luggage in their rooms.

"Yeah, of course," Jane said.

Maura sat in the other armchair, but instead of relaxing back into the chair as she normally would, her back was ramrod straight and she was sitting on the edge of her seat.

Jane leaned over and placed her hand on Maura's knee, causing Maura to look at her. "I hate that you're this nervous around me," she admitted quietly. "What can I do to help you relax?"

Maura shook her head. "It's not you," she said, but when Jane raised a skeptical eyebrow in her direction, she added, "Okay, I mean, yes, I'm nervous because you're here, but it's not your fault. It's nothing you're doing or did. It's just…" Maura buried her face in her hands. Jane waited a few moments, not removing her hand from Maura's knee, to give the other woman time to say what she needed to say. Finally, Maura let her hands fall back to her lap and looked at Jane again. "I'm still struggling with the shame and guilt I feel about everything that's happened, everything that you've done for me. And I know what you're going to say," Maura cut in when Jane opened her mouth to respond. "You don't need to say it. Okay. It's just…it's something I'm working on, but it is something I'm still struggling with. It's not going to go away today."

Jane nodded and rubbed her thumb across Maura's knee a few more times before sitting back in her seat. Maura took a deep breath and tried to relax as well. Jane could still see the tension in Maura's body, but at least she didn't look like she was about to flee anymore.

"I don't really know where to start," Jane admitted, staring at her hands in her lap as she rubbed her thumb across the scar on her other hand. "Or, like, how much you wanna know. Or how much you wanna tell me."

Maura nodded. "I did discuss a few potential topics of conversation with my doctor, but I don't…um, I don't want…I mean, I want you to be able to say anything. That is what I told Nancy. I told her that I didn't want you to feel like there was anything you couldn't say to me. Even if you're angry or upset, it's okay for you to express that. I may not be completely healthy, but I'm doing well enough that I don't want to…no, I can't avoid the truth. I recognize the fact that I've put you through a lot, and you have every right to be upset or angry with me," she said.

Jane nodded absently. "I appreciate that, and I'm glad that you are doing so much better than before. But Maura, I'm not angry with you, and I'm not upset with you. At the situation? Yeah, maybe, but I don't know…I guess those just aren't the main things I'm feeling."

"What are the main things you're feeling? Or have been feeling?" Maura asked.

"Worry. Fear. Sadness for what you've missed." She paused. "I guess, at times, I felt frustrated but not now," Jane said truthfully.

Maura's first instinct was to apologize again, knowing that it wouldn't help, and Jane would just tell her that she didn't need to be sorry. She still wasn't sure if that last part was really true. Instead, she nodded for a few seconds before adding, "I've felt all of those things, as well, but Jane, I'm also incredibly grateful. Even when I wasn't able to show it, even on my worst days, even…" Maura took a deep breath, "…even when…when I kicked you, even when I was saying terrible things to you, I was also unbelievably grateful for you."

"You'd do the same for me," Jane said quietly.

"Yes, I would," Maura agreed. "But no one else besides you would have gone through what you've been through with me, for me, because of me. I just want you to know that I see everything you've done for me and for Alice."

Jane nodded.

"How…how is Alice?" Maura asked, once again dropping her gaze to her hands in her lap.

"She's amazing," Jane said. Maura could hear the smile in Jane's voice, and she raised her eyes to look at her friend. Her eyes instantly teared up at the obvious love that Jane had for Alice. "Her tooth finally came in and more are really close. She's not a fan of teething. I mean, no baby is, I guess, but otherwise, she's healthy and really happy."

Jane stopped as guilt hit her. She was looking past Maura when she added, "I mean, she really misses you."

"You don't have to do that," Maura said gently.

"What?" Jane asked.

Maura smiled sadly. "You don't need to feel guilty that Alice is happy even though I'm not there. I do understand that she probably doesn't miss me all that much. Yes, it hurts. Of course, it does" Maura said emphatically. "But Jane, the only thing that makes it bearable is knowing that she's with you, and that she's happy and safe and loved with you. Do I wish I were the one who had that bond with her, who made her feel happy, safe, and love? Yes, and I always will, but one of the first things I worked on when I got here was recognizing that the most important thing…the absolute most important thing was that Alice was never neglected. Not only was she taken care of, but she was taken care of by someone who loved her. I will always wish it had been me, but if it couldn't be me, you are the person I wanted to take care of her. You always have been, and you always will be."

Maura wiped away a few stray tears that had managed to escape and trail down her cheeks. "Anyway, my point is that I don't want you to hold back the happy stories because you think it will make me sad. I'm already sad about what I've missed. Knowing she's doing well makes me happy," Maura said. "I also want you to tell me if something's wrong."

Jane nodded. "Well, nothing's wrong, so please don't worry about that. Like I said, she's teething, but that's really been the only thing," Jane said. "I, uh…" Jane laughed before continuing, "so, I decided I wanted to give her the whole Christmas experience, and I took her to cut down a live Christmas tree. She was most definitely not a fan."

Maura laughed.

"I'm fairly certain she hated me that day, but eventually, I got the tree up and she enjoyed playing with some of the ornaments. The tree looks a little weird – it would definitely mess with your OCD – because only a few kid-friendly ornaments are low enough for her to reach, so the rest of the ornaments start about two feet up."

"What other Christmasy things have you done with her?"

"I took her to the mall to meet Santa."

"You voluntarily went to the mall in December?" Maura asked in mock disbelief.

"Yes, and on a Saturday!" Jane said dramatically. "The whole family went. We actually got some cute pictures of the three kids. Alice wouldn't sit with Santa alone – and to be honest, I totally get that. I mean, it's a bit weird that we basically hand over our kids to a stranger and are like, 'sit on a stranger's lap and smile!' But she was totally fine with TJ and Eli. Actually, Eli was even less of a fan of Santa than Alice was at first.

"Uh, I also gave her her first taste of a Christmas cookie," Jane continued. "She was a big fan of that. What else? Um, well, your mom sent the weirdest Christmas gift…oh wait, I didn't tell you…"

"Tell me what?" Maura asked when Jane stopped talking.

"Your mother showed up on your doorstep on Thanksgiving."

Maura's eyebrows raised, displaying her surprise. "I can't believe she finally met Alice," Maura said slowly. "What did…what did you tell her about…"

"I did end up telling her you were here," Jane said guiltily. "I'm really sorry if you didn't want her to know. At first, I wouldn't tell her anything, but when she realized that something was actually wrong…I don't know, it was like she became a real person. I know she's terrible at showing it, but she loves you, and she was genuinely worried."

"It's okay, Jane, that you told her," Maura said. "I'm trying to get past the shame I feel about needing in-patient help, about being sick."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," Jane said as kindly but as firmly as possible. "I've wondered if I added to that, and I need you to know that I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about."

Maura nodded. "You haven't done anything wrong, Jane, but could we maybe save this conversation for another time?" Maura asked quietly. "If you're still willing to come join some of my sessions, it's just something I'd prefer to talk about then…with Nancy there too."

"Of course, I'm sorry."

"No, no, you don't need to be sorry. I appreciate you saying that. I just…"

"This is going to sound lame, but I'm really proud of you, right now."

Maura's eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"For asking for what you need," Jane added.

Maura smiled shyly. She appreciated that Jane noticed that, but she also wasn't sure how to respond.

Luckily, Jane changed the topic. "There's also one more thing you should know that I'm not sure how you're going to feel about. I mean, it's not bad," she added quickly. "Tommy and TJ moved back to Boston."

"That's wonderful!" Maura said genuinely. "But why would you not know how I was going to feel about that?"

Jane laughed lightly. "No, that's not the part…anyway, they uh…well, they needed somewhere to live, and Tommy didn't have a lot of money to relocate. Lydia took everything. She asked for a divorce – I don't know if I said that part. Anyway, they're living in my apartment, and I guess I technically live with you now. Given that I didn't ask, and you didn't invite me…well, that's the part I was unsure about."

Maura tried to fight the laughter that threatened to bubble up, but even as she bit her bottom lip, she couldn't stop the smile on her face from growing.

"What?" Jane asked in a half-whine.

"Really, Jane?" Maura said with a laugh. "I'm fairly certain that you haven't spent a night anywhere else since February. It's been our house for a long time now. Honestly, had I been thinking straight, I would have suggested you give up your lease months ago. Although, if I'd been able to come up with that, I probably wouldn't have needed you 24/7, but that's not the point. I can't believe that any part of you thought I would be upset or disapprove of you officially moving in."

"I mean, I didn't really think you were going to be upset. If I had, I wouldn't have done it, but still, that seems like a pretty big decision for me to have made without your consent," Jane whined.

"Well, regardless, I'm actually very glad you moved in, and that Tommy and TJ have a good place to live," Maura said.

"I mean, we can figure out when you want me to move out once you're healthy, but I figure I could still be helpful for a while after you come home," Jane added softly.

Maura just nodded. What she wanted to say, but didn't, was that she wanted Jane to stay forever. But Jane was right; that definitely wasn't a conversation they needed to have right now. "Is there anything new with anyone else in the family?"

"Not really," Jane said as she tried to remember everything. "Well, I'm convinced that Nina is pregnant again, but they haven't said anything, so I don't know that for sure."

"Oh, I hope so," Maura said with a smile. "Eli would be a wonderful big brother, and that seems like it would be a perfect age gap – about two years assuming she's still in her first trimester."

"But, really, that's it," Jane said with a shrug.

"How are Tommy and TJ doing with the divorce?" Maura asked. "Is Lydia also moving back to Boston?"

"Tommy's fine," Jane said. "She found someone else, I guess. He said he's a better dad than a husband anyway, so he didn't seem too upset about the divorce. Lydia is not moving to Boston, and I do think TJ misses her. The holidays have probably been a good distraction. I'm a bit worried that he'll struggle more after the holidays pass. Lydia didn't want shared custody. As much as I never liked her, I do feel bad for TJ about that."

"That's terrible," Maura agreed. "But I suppose maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Now he gets to grow up with all of his family."

"Yeah, that's why Tommy wanted to come back."

There was a knock on the door, and both Jane and Maura turned to see Maura's doctor Nancy standing in the doorway.

"Is it okay if I interrupt?" she asked.

"Yes," Maura replied at the same time as Jane said, "Yeah, of course."

Jane instantly stood up and offered her seat to the doctor before sitting on the edge of Maura's bed.

"Thank you," Nancy said with a smile. Once she was seated, she asked, "How are you two doing?"

Jane looked at Maura, who smiled at her before looking at Nancy and answering, "We're doing well. We've just been talking about how everyone's doing at home, starting with Alice."

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about with me here?" Nancy asked.

Maura glanced at Jane before answering, "No. There are a couple of things that we'd like to talk about with you eventually, but not today. I think it's going well. I was quite nervous at first, but after a while, that fell away." Maura shrugged and looked at Jane again.

"Uh, yeah, what she said," Jane said with a laugh. "No, I mean, I agree. I think it's going well."

"How are you feeling right now, Maura?" Nancy continued.

Maura nodded. "Honestly, better than I expected. Of course, it's hard to know what I'm missing out on, but I told Jane – and I meant it – that I want to know. I don't want her to censor what she tells me about – the happy or the sad parts. Although, I am glad that most of what we've talked about has been happy. Alice is doing well, and I'm happy about that."

"I'm glad," Nancy said with a smile. Turning to Jane, she asked, "Jane, do you have any questions?"

"Oh, um," Jane paused. She hadn't been expecting Maura's doctor to ask her any questions. "Well, I guess, I was wondering, um, if there's anything either of you can tell me about – I don't know – what happens next. Like, I know Maura mentioned me joining some sessions, or um, if there's any plan for…uh, how long Maura is going to stay. I'm not trying to pressure you or anything," Jane added quickly to Maura.

Maura laughed lightly. "I know, Jane," she assured her friend. "And it's okay for you to ask." Maura paused and glanced at Nancy before returning her attention to Jane, "We have discussed a plan. If it didn't come up naturally, I was going to share it with you before dinner. I'm hoping…I mean, I was wondering if you would be willing to come once a week beginning this next week." Maura blushed lightly as she broke eye contact with Jane.

"Yeah, of course, just tell me when," Jane said.

Maura looked back at Jane. "Thank you," she said quietly. "It can be any day of the week, Monday through Thursday or Saturday, but ideally, it would be during the time my session with Nancy is typically scheduled for."

"If we need to, we can rearrange the schedule with a few exceptions," Nancy added kindly.

"I don't think that will be necessary. My schedule can be pretty flexible. Ideally, if after lunch is an option, that would be best, but it really doesn't have to be then. Really, I can make anything work," Jane replied.

"On Wednesdays, my session with Nancy is just after lunch. It begins at 1:15pm and generally runs to 2:45pm," Maura said.

"That's perfect," Jane said. "Actually, I don't think I could pick a better time."

"Well, that was easy," Nancy said with a smile.

"So, this Wednesday…" Jane paused and counted the days on her fingers, "…the 27th or the next Wednesday? Um, the 3rd?"

Maura glanced at Nancy. "This Wednesday, the 27th, but only if you can," Maura said. "We can start the next week. I know that only three days' notice isn't much."

"I can do this Wednesday. Uh, um, just me?" Jane asked, pointing to herself.

"For now, yes," Nancy asked. "We can discuss a plan for future weeks during the first session. At some point, we will ask you to bring Alice."

"Okay," Jane said quietly.

"Also, I need…I know I'll need to be here at least a few more week," Maura added. "I know that's a lot to ask…"

"No, don't do that," Jane cut her off. "You know I want you to stay here as long as you need to. You don't need to worry about me or Alice. I mean, I know you still will, but just don't worry that…just…just." Jane sighed. "What both of us need is for you to get healthy, no matter how long that takes."

Maura nodded as tears burned in the corners of her eyes. It didn't matter how long she and Jane had been friends. She still felt incredibly lucky to have such a good friend.

"Okay, well, I'll leave the two of you to continue catching up, but don't hesitate to call if something comes up, even if you think it's trivial," Nancy said as she stood up.

"Thank you," Maura and Jane both replied.

When Nancy left the room, Jane went to stand to move back to the armchair, but Maura was faster. She stood and took a step towards Jane. She paused before she sat cautiously on the bed next to Jane.

"Is this okay?" Maura asked shakily.

Instead of responding with words, Jane wrapped her arms around her friend and pulled her close. Maura instantly returned the embrace.

"I'm so proud of you," Jane whispered against Maura's hair before giving her a feather-light kiss on the crown of her head.

Maura's eyes fluttered shut, and her arms tightened slightly around Jane's waist at the feeling of Jane's soft kiss, but she otherwise didn't respond.

When they separated, Jane unsuccessfully tried to hide the tears that had escaped. Maura noticed, but she pretended not to as she turned towards the nightstand and picked up the envelope of pictures. "Do you want to look at these? Then, we could take a tour of the rest of the facility."

"Sure," Jane said. Turning to look behind her, she added, "Can we lean against the wall?"

Maura nodded and slipped her heels off before scooting back towards the wall. Jane moved back as well, and they were sitting next to each other with their arms and thighs pressed against each other.

Maura's hands were shaking slightly as she opened the envelope and pulled out the printed photos. Maura let out a choked sob when she saw the first picture. Jane snaked her arm around Maura's shoulders and pulled her close. Maura leaned into Jane as she stared at the picture. It was a picture of Jane holding Alice, who was wearing a black and red plaid dress, black tights, adorable patent black mary-jane shoes. She was holding what looked like a headband with a bow, and she had a huge smile on her face.

"That's Thanksgiving," Jane said quietly.

Tears were flowing thick and fast down Maura's face as they continued through the photos, most of which were of Alice. Jane had included pictures from their Christmas Tree hunt, of Alice meeting Santa, and of Alice with Eli and TJ. She had also included photos that had just been taken at home and weren't from any special events. When she was done, she set the pictures to the side and wrapped her arms around Jane's waist. Jane pulled her impossibly closer, hugging her tight, as Maura cried into her side.

"Thank you, Jane," Maura whispered as she pulled away slight and tried to wipe her face clean.

"I went back and forth a lot about whether to bring them," Jane admitted. "I didn't want to make you sad, but in the end, I decided you'd probably really like at least something."

"I do," Maura said quietly. "I really appreciate it. Thank you."

Jane reached out and squeezed Maura's hand as they shared a soft smile.

"Why don't I go clean up my face, and then, we can take a tour?" Maura suggested. "I'm sure you wouldn't mind finding the snack table."

Jane laughed. "Sounds good."

Maura slipped off the bed and back into her heels. She squeezed Jane's knee as she passed her on her way to the bathroom.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in the common areas. After a short tour of the facility, they found the snacks. Jane filled her plate, and even Maura took a few items before they found a table to sit at. They were talking quietly when three people walked up.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but Maura, I was hoping that I could introduce you to my parents," the young woman said nervously.

"Hi, Katie," Maura said brightly. "Of course, I'd love to meet your parents and for you to meet Jane." Maura waved her hand vaguely in Jane's direction.

"Mom, Dad, this is the woman I told you about, Dr. Maura Isles," Katie said. "And these are my parents, Mary and Don Rigby."

Maura stood up and shook both of Katie's parents' hands. "It's wonderful to meet you both. This is my friend, Jane Rizzoli," Maura said. Turning to Jane, she added, "Jane, this is Katie' she's a fellow resident. And these are her parents." Jane stood as well and exchanged greetings with Katie and her parents.

"Would you guys like to join us?" Jane asked. "After you get snacks of course," she added with a smirk.

"That would be wonderful. Thank you," Mary replied.

When Katie and her parents were out of earshot, Jane lightly elbowed Maura and whispered, "Maura Isles is even famous in here." Jane flashed Maura a trademark Rizzoli smirk.

Maura didn't respond other than to shake her head and role her eyes, but a slight blush colored her cheeks.

Katie and her parents returned to sit with them. It was Katie's mom who spoke first, "Katie has told us quite a bit about you Dr. Isles. All of the staff and physicians here have been wonderful, but you have no idea how much we appreciate that someone else here has been so supportive to Katie, especially in helping her develop new coping techniques to deal with the stress of school."

"Mommmmm," Katie whined, hiding her face behind her hands. Jane had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at Katie's classic teen reaction.

Maura laughed lightly. "You can call me Maura," she said. "It's been a pleasure getting to know Katie. She's an extraordinary young woman, and I expect she'll do great things."

"Honestly, I can't believe you spoke to me again after how rude I was the first time we met," Katie said in an attempt to divert the conversation away from praising her since it made her uncomfortable.

"Maura always gives people second chances…and third, and forth, and fifth chances," Jane said. "I was rude to her the first time we met, too."

"To be fair, you were undercover," Maura said with a laugh.

"Oh, are you a police officer?" Don asked curiously.

"Yeah, I'm a detective with the Boston Police Department. I currently work in homicide, but the encounter Maura and I are referencing happened when I was still in the Drug Control Unit," Jane explained.

"We officially met a few weeks later when I was promoted to homicide. I'll admit it was a bit awkward after our first meeting," Jane said with a laugh. "But clearly, we got past it."

"How long have you two been together now?" Mary asked.

"Oh, no, um, we're not dating," Maura stuttered. "Jane's my best friend, but she's also family. We're not romantically involved though."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Mary said, her cheeks turning slightly red. "I shouldn't have assumed. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, really," Jane said, waving off her discomfort. "It happens a lot. I mean, I am here on Christmas Eve, but like Maura said, we're family, and that's what matters."

"Friends who become family are essential," Don added.

"I agree," Maura said quietly, glancing at Jane. They shared a shy smile. Turning back to Mary and Don, Maura added, "I have a nine-month-old daughter, and Jane has been caring for her while I was sick and while I'm in treatment. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her."

"Oh, what's your daughter's name?" Mary asked with a smile.

"Alice," Maura answered. "Oh, I should go get the pictures Jane brought."

"Do you want me to get them?" Jane asked.

"It's okay," Maura said. "I'll get them. I'm not sure if you're allowed in the residential areas without me."

"Right," Jane said. "That makes sense."

"I'll be right back," Maura said as she stood up.

Once Maura was gone, Jane asked Katie, "So you're in school? What are you studying?"

"I'm at MIT for mechanical engineering," Katie said.

"Wow, that's great," Jane replied. "You must be crazy smart like Maura."

"Well, no one's smart like Maura," Katie quipped.

Jane laughed. "True," she said.

"My goal is to work for NASA one day," Katie added.

"Oh, that's so cool!" Jane replied. "I always wanted to see a shuttle launch. I never got to though."

"You should still go to the Kennedy Space Center," Katie said. "It's really cool. You really can't understand how large everything is until you see it in person."

"I'll have to do that," Jane replied as Maura reentered the room.

They spent the rest of the time until dinner sharing pictures and stories. They were also able to share a table with Katie and her family as well as another resident and his wife and daughter.

After dinner, it was time to say goodbye, and neither woman wanted their time together to end. Maura stepped into Jane's embrace, and they held each other tightly. Maura tried to commit everything about Jane – how it felt to have her arms around her, the sound of her heartbeat, the smell of her shampoo – as she buried her face in the crook of Jane's neck, unsuccessfully trying to stop the tears from falling.

"I'll see you in three days," Jane whispered against Maura's hair, but her voice cracked, telegraphing her own pain.

Maura nodded against Jane's shoulder. She was too choked up to say anything.

"I'm sorry to end such a wonderful evening, but it's time for visitors to leave," a staff membered said to everyone still standing in the common area.

Maura squeezed Jane extra tight for a few seconds before reluctantly letting her go and stepping back. "Thank you for coming, Jane," she said quietly, her voice breaking on Jane's name.

Jane nodded as she looked at the floor. She didn't want to leave.

"Please tell Alice I love her and Merry Christmas," Maura whispered. "And please tell everyone else Merry Christmas."

"I will," Jane choked out. "Merry Christmas, Maura."

"Merry Christmas, Jane."

It took every ounce of will-power Jane had to turn and walk out of the building. She couldn't even turn around to look at Maura one more time before she left because she knew if she did that, she wouldn't be able to leave. She didn't even try to stop the tears that flowed down her face the entire drive home.

Maura stood rooted to the spot as she watched Jane leave. She was numb as she walked back to her room and completed her evening routine. She didn't care that it was barely after 8pm, all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry.

When she finally got in bed, she didn't even try to stop the sobs that wracked her body. She had never felt lonelier that she did at that moment. All she wanted was to be curled up on her couch with Jane and Alice, arguing with Jane that the little girl needed to go to bed even though Jane wanted to keep the Christmas Eve festivities going.

As she got lost in her daydreams, Maura started to lose control of her breathing as her crying turned to a panic attack. Her entire body was heaving and shaking as she tried to catch her breath. She felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest, like she was going to vomit, and like she was going to pass out all at the same time. She could barely think, but she forced herself from the bed. She stumbled across the room and hit the emergency call button before sinking to the floor and folding in upon herself.

People entered her room within seconds, but Maura could no longer process what was going on around her. It took a few minutes for Maura to return to the present, and when she did, the only thing she could focus on was the sound of Nancy's voice. Nancy was squatting in front of her speaking to her.

Finally, Maura looked up and made eye contact with her doctor.

"Just breathe, Maura," Nancy said. "In through your nose, out through your mouth."

Maura followed the instructions, her eyes remaining locked on Nancy's. Her body started to relax slowly, and she began to feel more present.

"I don't think we'll need that," Nancy said to the young man and woman standing off to the side. They were there with a sedative in case Nancy decided she needed to administer one to Maura. "I can handle it from here." They both nodded and left the room.

"Maura, do you think you can stand and move to the bed?" Nancy asked kindly.

Maura nodded, and Nancy helped her stand. Her doctor remained close to her until she sat on the edge of the bed, at which point she took a seat in one of the armchairs facing Maura.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Nancy asked softly.

Maura swallowed hard before taking a deep breath. "I-I started thinking about how much I wished I was home with Jane and Alice for Christmas Eve," Maura said shakily. "I didn't expect it to be so hard for Jane to leave today."

Nancy nodded. "It is often hard for patients after the first time their loved ones visit, and maybe it was even harder for you since the visit happened on a holiday. I had considered that, but I had thought it would be harder for you to be alone today while others' family members visited," she said.

Maura nodded. "No, I'm still glad she was able to come today," Maura said quietly. Her voice was still quiet, but it was steadier than it had been. "I think, no matter when Jane visited, I would have underestimated how much it would hurt when she left. I naively thought that it wouldn't be any different than when we used to part at the end of the day before I was sick."

"Your relationship with Jane isn't the same as it was before you were sick," Nancy said. "That's not a bad thing, but it does mean that you have to adjust your expectations."

Maura nodded again. "I know," she said. "I'm okay now. I really am. I just, I got caught off guard by my emotions."

Nancy nodded. "We can talk about it more in our next session," she said. "Do you want me to give you something to help you sleep tonight?"

"Yes, I think…for tonight only, right? I don't want to add more medications than necessary in the long term," Maura said.

"Yes, we have some sleep aids that can be used on an occasional as-needed basis. They aren't addictive, especially not after one use."

"Okay, thank you."

"I'll be right back."

A/N: Work is still crazy, so no promises on chapters for any of my stories this week. We were supposed to be past this crazy stretch, but we aren't. {shrug} I'll do my best.