A/N: Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing well and keeping safe both physically and mentally in these extremely trying times. I've taken to writing to help me cope with the new reality. This is just a little one shot that came to my mind.
Out of Love
He swung his glass back and forth; careful as to not let any of the liquid spill out from over the top. It was already past midnight, and while he knew he would have to be up in about five hours, his mind refused to let him rest. He tipped his drink up to help fight against the oncoming headache that was banging around showing him no mercy. He then looked at the binder on his desk.
He recalled first seeing it yesterday morning, storming into Cyrus' office irate over something so minimal he had already forgotten what it was. Well, he forgot the purpose for that instant, be he would never be able to forget the true nature of his anger: Defiance.
Cyrus had been in on it. His campaign manager who he thought was a friend, turned his back on him, conspiring with the likes of Mellie, and Hollis, and Verna.
Fitz shook at the thought of Verna. She wronged him, but after what he did…to her…did he have a right to be judging other people's principles when he had killed someone. He killed before, but those were under different circumstances, under orders by the United States government to protect the country, and he still struggled with processing those thoughts from time to time. But with Verna, he was a killer; he a murderer, play and simple. Fitz held his breath to keep from crying out loud as images of Verna's final breaths appeared in his head and walked to the decanter to fill his glass with another round of scotch.
And then there was Olivia.
That one hurt most of all. He thought she loved him, he thought that was the one real relationship that he had. But instead it turned out she was just using him to make a name for herself in DC. He should have known. Everyone used him: Mellie, Cyrus, his father. Why would Olivia have been any different?
He sauntered over to the resolute desk, the desk where he personally showed her that she was the most important person in his life and stared at the binder before him. When he stormed into Cyrus' office yesterday to yell at him, he noticed the binder on top of his desk and demanded to know what it was and why it was there with Olivia's name labeled on the front of it.
"I don't know, sir. My secretary was cleaning out old files and found it. I was going to give it back to her after work today."
"No! I'll take it!" Fitz barked.
"Sir, are you sure that's the best idea right now," Cyrus spoke cautiously. He had no doubt noticed Fitz's change in demeanor since Verna's funeral, and he knew that he and Liv were no longer speaking. He figured the two were somehow related.
"Cyrus, I am the President of the United States. If I want to read something I will!" Fitz boomed before storming out with the binder in hand.
For the rest of the day his mind lingered on what the contents of the binder could be until he was finally left alone at the end of day. Placing a glass of scotch near reach, he opened the cover, and it was enough to make him feel sick.
In bold letters at the center of the page laid the text:
Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III
1960-2010
He closed the cover over. He had seen enough.
Now, he stared at the binder once again, afraid to open and read its contents. After opening it last night and learning the purpose, he paced until the sun came up. He recognized that tonight would follow a similar pattern unless he finally put his curiosity at ease by reading the full plans, or by drinking himself into an unconscious state; and honestly, Fitz didn't know which one was more painful.
He placed the glass down and picked up the binder. He walked to the couch, taking a seat and taking deep breaths as he put the binder in his lap.
He knew what would be in there. He knew that it would be everything he needed to affirm his beliefs that Olivia was an opportunist who manipulated him. This binder would prove that. It would show that Olivia put little thought into his funeral plans; that she didn't care if he died – no one did. He was nothing more than a stepstool for her and for others; well, a stepstool and a murderer.
He bit his lip and opened the binder once again, holding his breath as tears gleamed in his eyes while he proceeded to read. Its contents only put him in a far more emotional state.
She thought of everything.
A rider-less horse, mimicking the funeral of JFK as he would be carried from the White House to the Capitol Building, a public grieving period as was tradition for State funerals, and a small private burial at his ranch in Santa Barbara next to his mother and grandparents. The last one made him snort slightly. He had no doubt that it went against Mellie's wishes. She was like his father and would want him to have a huge funeral and be buried somewhere public like Arlington for his wartime service. Santa Barbara though was much more intimate, much more private, which was exactly what he would have wanted. She thought of everything.
Fitz felt the smallest smile creep onto his face, learning that there might have been one person in his corner all along. Maybe he misjudged the situation with Olivia. These were all deep thoughts that he needed to think about over a period of rest that he desperately looked forward to.
Eventually the alcohol and the exhaustion from his previous all-nighter took over him. He undid his tie and took off his suit jacket, throwing it on top of him as a makeshift blanket as he settled onto the couch. Sure it wasn't the most comfortable, but it wasn't like he slept any better when he was next to Mellie.
Suddenly he was in Santa Barbara on a crisp fall day. Fitz noticed a couple of dozens of chairs set up in the backyard as people gathered. Fitz turned his attention to a framed photo of himself at the front of the crowd and a coffin. But that couldn't be, Fitz thought as he slowly backed away.
"But Mom, I don't want to!" he heard Karen wail, fidgeting out of Mellie's grip, and immediately stopped in place.
"None of us want to sweetie, but we all need to be strong."
Fitz saw his son Gerry walking with them his head hung low.
"Gerry?" Fitz called out but to no response. He tried again, and a third time.
"They can't hear you."
Fitz turned to the voice on the right side of him. Surely, he was hallucinating.
"Verna?"
She stood next to him, long hair in tact, no oxygen mask, standing strong and tall as though nothing had ever happened to her.
"What's going on?" Fitz asked, his voice weak and panicky.
"It's a funeral," she replied. Fitz felt a lump growing in his throat.
"I died?" Fitz gasped in disbelief.
"You did," she confirmed.
Fitz felt his breath becoming shallow.
"No. No. I didn't….where's Olivia?" Fitz looked frantically for the one face that can bring him some sense of calm. He scanned the guests of the small crowd, going over them two or three times, but she was nowhere in sight. "Why isn't she here?"
"It's only for close friends and family," Verna reminded him. "Just as you both wanted."
Fitz felt tears rolling over his cheeks, continuing to search for Liv in the crowd.
"She is family! I love her!" Fitz declared desperately.
"Yes, but do you think any of them know that?" Verna said gesturing toward the crowd. "Or do any of them know that she loves you? Hell, you don't even know if she loves you."
"She does! I wasn't thinking, but she does!" Fitz protested, repeating the phrase an unknown amount of times. The sound of a crack of a gunshot and searing pain in his head interrupted Fitz's pleas. He held his hands against his head, trying to sooth the throbbing that had now taken over his whole body, continuing to cry out apologies to Olivia as he saw blood dripping down to the ground.
Fitz quickly shot up gasping for air. Steadily, he took deep breaths to let the air back into his lungs. He looked around, seeing that he was on the floor and must have shuffled his way off of the couch during his nightmare. That would certainly explain the soreness he was feeling.
He recognized that it was a nightmare, just another bad dream. Nothing actually happened, he was fine. But he still struggled to get his breathing and heart rate back to normal.
He remembered the psychologist who he went to during recovery and thought of his advice to think of happy memories. Fitz closed his eyes again, thinking of any and all happy memories: childhood memories of scoring his first touchdown in high school football, his children being born, becoming governor of California, that night on that campaign trail with Olivia when she called him "Fitz" for the first time. He remembered how great it felt when she called him Fitz, as though they were agreeing to put their career lives aside. He remembered how her hand felt when he got to hold it for the first time under the armrest of the bus. And he remembered her eyes, and her laugh, and her smile as they made love throughout the whole night.
His mind wandered, thinking about Olivia and how difficult it must have been for her to be tasked with planning his funeral. He couldn't even imagine what he would have done if the roles were reversed. Having to plan the love of you life's funeral, but not be able to say goodbye yourself because of a forbidden love. Maybe what they had was real? Maybe she did love him after all?
He sighed. She loved him, and he knew it. She went through the most heartbreaking job imaginable for him, and he threw her out like trash. His mind raced, trying to think of what he could do to make things better.
Only one thing was certain: he knew he had to go see her.
A knock at four in the morning is never a good sign, especially when it is repeated promptly and loud enough to wake up the entire floor. Olivia slipped out of bed making her way toward the light switch to help her see before she had an accident.
"Huck, this better be important!" Olivia hollered while she went toward the front door. Huck was the only gladiator she could think of who would have the courage to show up at her door at an hour like this. Olivia got on her tiptoes to check the peephole only for her mouth to fall agape.
She hadn't seen Fitz in months, and now here he was standing outside her door at an unruly hour of the morning with only Tom and Hal on standby outside. What could he have wanted? He made it abundantly clear he wanted nothing to do with her. He was probably just there to yell at her some more. Olivia quickly opened the door to get it over with.
Fitz stood leaning his arm above his head on the doorframe, his head tilted slightly to be resting against his own shoulder. He was still dressed in a suit but with no tie, and Olivia could tell by the wrinkles that it was whatever suit he wore yesterday.
"Why the West Lawn?" Fitz asked in a commanding tone.
"What?" Olivia shook her head in complete confusion. Fitz stormed inside going around her and shoving the binder in her hands.
"Why the West Lawn?" he repeated more forcefully.
"Fitz, I don't know what you're talking about," Olivia said looking down at the binder, and instantly recognizing what it was.
"Every State funeral has a 24 hour public grieving period where the body lies in the rotunda of the US Capitol Building. It's tradition. You had me outside on the West Lawn of Capitol Building instead of the rotunda. Why?" Fitz bellowed, leaning against the backside of the couch and staring at Olivia to answer him.
"I-I don't know," Olivia stammered truthfully. "I just thought that it was more scenic and you would have liked the outdoors more. The rotunda of the Capitol just seemed too political and impersonal. Look, I'm sorry I offended you by breaking tradition-"
"I'm not offended!" Fitz interrupted Olivia, and his face and voice softened hearing her explanation. "I'm not…it's actually…nice that you did that…"
"Fitz, how did you find this?" Olivia held up the binder. She hadn't seen it in almost exactly a year, and she hoped she would never see it again. It reminded her of one of the darkest times of her life: those weeks where she was uncertain she would ever see Fitz again.
"Cyrus found it. He was going to give it back to you after work today, but…" Fitz began to explain and then trailed off. What was he supposed to say to her? He was going to give to you after work today, but I snatched it from him because I wanted more reasons to hate you. But as it turns out I was wrong. Luckily, Fitz didn't have to finish his sentence.
"But what? You thought coming to my apartment as the President of the United States at four in the morning was a better idea?" Olivia sarcastically impeded on Fitz's thoughts, which he was thankful for since he now didn't have to give her an explanation. Fitz just shook his head and fixated his eyes on the ground below him. He heard footsteps and looked up, watching Olivia march toward the printer at her work desk.
Olivia went behind the desk and pickup a paper shredder. She turned it on and opened the binder, slipping its sheets into the shredder.
"What are you doing?" Fitz shifted to get closer to her.
"I never want to see these again."
Fitz let out the faintest sound of a chuckle, something that hadn't done in so long it almost sounded foreign to him. Olivia turned around and looked Fitz dead in the eyes. They were red and tired, full of sadness and frustration.
"Fitz, what's wrong? Why are you here?"
"No reason," Fitz answered promptly, worried to show any kind of vulnerability toward her. He was supposed to be strong, he was suppose to be a leader, and now here he was at the love of his life's doorstep all because of a bad dream. He felt like a scared child.
Olivia crossed her arms. She knew he wasn't going to open up. She was going to have to push.
"Well, why aren't you at the White House? You should be sleeping."
Fitz knew she wanted answers, and she wouldn't let him go until she had them. At least that was what he told himself, in actuality he didn't want her to let him go either, but he also didn't want to come apart in front of her.
"I couldn't sleep. I uh just had a headache," he told her nonchalantly, turning his attention back to the ground so she wouldn't see his shame. It wasn't a lie, but it also wasn't the full truth.
"Bad migraine?" she asked, sitting down onto the couch and taking a brief pause, trying to prompt more out of him. "Cyrus told me you've been getting those since the assassination attempt."
"Sometimes," Fitz mumbled toward the floor.
"He said you've been having nightmares too," Olivia said not as a question but as a matter-o-fact statement. Cyrus gave her frequent updates on Fitz. When she first heard from Cyrus that he was suffering emotionally and mentally, she felt heartbroken. She wanted nothing more than to run into the Oval Office and check on him and make his nightmares go away.
"Sometimes…it just is getting kind of bad around this time," Fitz mumbled again this time filled with embarrassment as he took a seat on the couch next to her, but a safe distance away. He knew he should have left before he unraveled, but this woman had such a control over him. He didn't want to leave, he wanted to stay and talk to her. He wanted to tell her everything he had been going through for the past eight months: learning about Defiance, killing Verna, ending their relationship. There was so much to talk about.
Olivia knew his birthday was coming up, which meant it was coming close to the anniversary, explaining why it was getting worse for him.
She let her hand caress over his, igniting a spark that made his breath hitch, "do you want to talk about it?"
Fitz nodded his head lightly
"Yes, but actually not about that." He gazed up at Olivia and cleared his throat. He was worried to say the next words out of his mouth, but this was ultimately what he came here to do. "Can we…talk about us?"
Olivia looked up at Fitz, recognizing all the self-pride and confidence he had just put aside. She knew it wasn't easy for him to show up like he had and show his face to her after all those atrocious things he previously said. This would not be an easy and quick conversation.
"I think we need more time, Fitz," she said gently and got up but immediately felt his hand grab hold of her wrist.
"Livvie…please?"
He called her Livvie that definitely caught her by surprise, and the crack in his voice when saying it just about made her heart melt. Olivia let out a smile, realizing that he misunderstood her.
"No that's not what I meant. I mean we physically need more time." She pointed to the clock. "You have a little more than an hour until members of the press corps start arriving, and you have to be back before then and shower and change."
Fitz's eyes lightened, realizing this was not a flat out rejection he was getting.
"If you want you can come back to my apartment tonight once you're done with work, and we can talk then," Olivia suggested. It was a Friday after all, and there would be plenty of time.
Fitz nodded his head in approval, seeming satisfied. He was about to get up when he felt a churn in his stomach. He turned to Olivia with a contorted look.
"Everything ok?"
"One minute?" he asked, though he knew it was doubtful, but he needed some reassurance that she was actually committed to trying to work things out.
"One minute." Fitz didn't even register Olivia's response and lost his breath feeling her head lean against his shoulder. It wasn't as close or intimate as their previous ones, but it was something. It was a step. And he would be back tonight to talk to Olivia. He wasn't sure how it would go, but he hoped that one minute would someday turn to forever.
Olivia nursed her wine, watching the 8 o'clock news. Fitz hadn't mentioned when he would come by, but she figured it would be relatively soon. There was no way they would have another 4am encounter again. Between sips Olivia picked at her nails, a bad habit she has had since she was a child. She was incredibly nervous about the upcoming talk. She tried to mentally prepare a list of things to go over in her head on how best to express herself.
She knew first and foremost she was going to have to apologize for Defiance. All of this mess once again was wrapped up in Defiance, a decision she would always regret. She would have to explain to him why she did what she did, and she could only hope that maybe he would understand. But she also had to make sure he knew how she felt after Verna's funeral when he called her a mistress. That felt low to her after he had spent so much time and energy trying to convince her that she was not a mistress and she was more than that…and she was just starting to believe him. Hearing the things he had to say, and not letting her explain, not even giving her a chance to explain, that hurt.
Her thoughts were interrupted with a knock on the door. Olivia grudgingly put her glass down and approached the door. She opened it surprised to see Tom standing alone.
"Tom, what are you doing here? Where's the President?"
"At Camp David ma'am," Tom answered politely. "He asked that I take you there."
"I thought he was coming back here."
"Change of plans, ma'am. He's already there."
Olivia flashed back to when they were at Camp David together right before his State of the Union Address, when she and Fitz spent almost every second in bed together. This was surely some kind of tactic that Fitz had up his sleeve to try and brush through the difficult talk ahead of them and go back to sleeping together lie nothing had ever happened. Olivia was certain to make sure that that did not happen. She wouldn't let herself get caught up in Fitz's antics. Right when she would arrive at Fitz's cabin in the main lodge of Camp David she would make herself clear to him that she did not appreciate this kind of manipulation on his end. He should know better.
The longer that Olivia sat in the car driving into the woods of Maryland, the longer she had let her anger boil. If she were more than a mistress and if he really wanted to talk about their relationship, why would he have them converse at the place where Fitz had blindsided her that one night when he came to her cabin with Mellie.
The SUV came to a stop outside of the main lodge, and Olivia got out. She climbed up the steps and opened the door without so much of a knock to let him know she was there. She was ready to hash it out with him. When she saw him in his current state, she stopped in her tracks.
He was laying on the couch, full of exhaustion, his eyes even redder than before, balancing a glass of scotch on his chest. He was still dressed in his full suit, giving him a professional look, but his disheveled hair caused by consistently running his hands through it told her he was anything but professional right now.
"Fitz?" Olivia spoke in almost a whisper. He made a grunt hearing her voice and sat up on the couch. His body so tired and inebriated that he could barely sit up and sagged forward with the drink in his hand.
"Hi," he looked at her with the smallest grin that she ever saw.
"Hi."
And upon hearing the returned "hi" Fitz's smile grew a little bigger. Fitz took a swig from his glass to help him brave the conversation that was about to be had. He reached over to fill up his glass again, when he felt Olivia put her hand on top of his as he reached for the decanter.
Olivia wasn't sure how much he had already drank, but she knew he had more than enough, and she knew that his family struggled with alcohol addiction.
"No more. Not now."
"Yeah," Fitz sighed, "that's probably a good idea."
"You wanted to talk?" Olivia sat down on the opposite end of the couch as him. Upon closer inspection she could see how tired and weary the past couple of days had made him.
"You first…" he said solemnly.
"I'm not sure how you want me to start this or what you expect me to say?" Olivia started to feel emotional with tears coming toward the rims of her eyes. "You-you called me your 'mistress,' Fitz. And you know that word has always haunted me for years ever since we started. But you told me that I wasn't, and I just started to believe you, Fitz. I just started to believe that you truly loved me-"
"Me too! I just started to believe that you actually loved me too and then…" Fitz interrupted Olivia and then took a deep breath. He knew what he had done to her was wrong. And he knew that she did truly love him. The past couple of days had only proved that. He had to explain to her what was going through his head.
"I'm sorry I said those things, Livvie," he exhaled. "I was wrong and I was hurt, and I wanted to hurt you. Learning about what happened in Defiance changed everything for me. At first there was the anger of knowing my whole Presidency is a fraud, but I just…I had never felt so betrayed…and to feel betrayed by you, the love of my life…" Fitz felt more tears coming to the surface, and before he could control himself he was crying.
"My whole life has been people using me for their own personal gain. Everyone involved in Defiance had. And then when I heard that you were involved I-" Fitz choked slightly on his words, "-I thought that you were just using me also, and that you were playing me. I felt so stupid, and so hurt, and I wanted to hurt you in return, Livvie. As childish as that is to say, that was why I said those things - to get back at you. But I didn't mean them, and I am so sorry Livvie for ever calling you a mistress and anytime that I made you feel like one."
Fitz wiped his face with his sleeve. Olivia was surprised to see him pour everything out right then and there.
"My love for you was never fake, Fitz. The things I feel when I'm with you is magical. I've always truly loved you."
"I know that," Fitz wiped his eyes again. "I know that now. After reading what you planned after I got shot." Fitz gasped a little bit before continuing.
"I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you, Livvie. If the roles were reversed…I couldn't….But I don't understand why you would do what you did in Defiance. If I lost, we could have been together. I didn't…I don't know…I thought it was just more reason for me to assume that our relationship was a fraud."
"Defiance is the biggest regret I have in my life," Olivia started. "I am so sorry for what I did to you Fitz -for what I did to us. I ruined us and our chance of a happy ever after. You've got every right to be mad at me for Defiance." Olivia felt her own face becoming gleamed with tears.
"But I didn't have a right to say the things I said. I just don't get it. Why did you do it?" Fitz asked, his voice more neutral and not conveying any emotion.
"Because I love you…" Olivia whispered. "After seeing and hearing the things your father said to you, and seeing how badly you wanted it, I just…I wanted you to win because I love you."
Fitz chuckled lightly, "you mean you went ahead and forged a Presidential election out of love?"
Olivia just nodded.
"Yes, I did…" she laughed a little too at how ridiculous it may have sounded to an outsider. "But don't act like you wouldn't have done the same. If you love me like I love you, well I wouldn't be surprised if you committed murder out of love." Olivia continued laughing and clutching her knee when noticed Fitz immediately tense up.
Fitz felt the room spin as questions darted through his head. Did Olivia know? How could she have? Could she know? Should she know? Should he tell her? These questions continued to swirl around, making it difficult for him to breath.
"Fitz!" Olivia curled up beside him, holding him as he started panting. "Fitz, what's wrong?"
"L-Livvie-I-I-I can't…I don't know i-i-if," Fitz stuttered.
Olivia rubbed circles on his back as he rocked back and forth on the couch
"Hey, it's ok. Talk to me. You can talk to me."
Fitz used all of his remaining strength to get up. If he was about to tell Olivia what he did, he didn't want her to be holding him when he did so. He mainly didn't want to feel her body wince as he told her.
"Liv…I-I killed Verna Thorton," Fitz confessed, avoiding her gaze.
"No you didn't, Fitz. She was sick. She had cancer," Olivia said somewhat in confusion, but mostly in denial. She saw Verna those final few days and knew she was sick, but she had also heard from David Rosen that Fitz was the last visitor she had. She didn't think much of that at the time but now…could Fitz have been telling her the truth?
"I-I did, Liv," Fitz began crying, recounting the bad memory and explaining it to Olivia so he could try to ease his conscious some by getting it off of his chest. "She was the one who told me about Defiance, and she was about to tell David Rosen about it too…and-and I couldn't let her. I couldn't…s-s-so then I took off her oxygen mask…and…and then I held her down…and I…"
Fitz inhaled sharply, trying to muffle his sob.
"Livvie, I killed her. I murdered her. I know she wasn't innocent, and I know she tried to kill me, but I still killed her. Doesn't that make me just as bad?"
"No, no, Fitz. It doesn't." Olivia tried to get up to support Fitz, but he turned away from her, not wanting the comfort.
"I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer," he mumbled the phrase repetitively, bouncing on his knees up and down. He wasn't sure if it was the booze or the intensity of his emotional state or a combination of the two, but he suddenly felt weak and nauseas.
"I'm a-I'm going to be sick," Fitz ran to the nearby bathroom, feeling sick to his stomach as he threw up all of the scotch and then some. He felt Olivia rubbing his back once again, this time stroking up into the hairs at the nape of his neck.
She lulled him for sometime as he continued to clutch the base of the toilet and cry some more, until he felt steadier.
"Better?"
Fitz nodded lightly. Olivia worked hard to muffle her own crying. It wasn't about what Fitz had done. It was about seeing the state that Fitz was in. The exhaustion, the drinking, the headaches, the nightmares; he was living with so much and it was driving him to the brink.
"Fitz, is it the assassination attempt or the guilt that's giving you nightmares?"
"A little of both…" he murmured.
She helped him to his feet, and gave him a washcloth to wipe up his face and then a toothbrush with some toothpaste and mouthwash. She walked him to the bedroom of his cabin, and then he thanked her. She rubbed his arm supportively as she sat down with him on the bed. Then she really surprised Fitz when she shyly reached up, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Fitz blushed with embarrassment, then felt flustered for turning so red just from an innocent kiss on the cheek that it made him blush more. He felt like a middle school kid at an 8th grade dance. He swallowed loudly to try and hide his embarrassment.
"What was that for?" he asked. Olivia stared at him and noticed a combination of nervousness, confusion, and also adoration in his eyes.
"You saved me."
"What? What are you talking about?" Fitz blinked rapidly in confusion.
"If Verna blew the lid on Defiance, I would have gone to jail," Olivia explained.
"I would have made sure you didn't go to jail!" Fitz said stoically with a cocky attitude that made Olivia smile.
"You might have gone to jail too," Olivia pointed out. Fitz sighed in recognition. He wasn't part of this Defiance plan, but he would have ultimately been the fall guy.
"But Liv, I still…I did a terrible thing."
"I don't want you to blame yourself, ok? I don't want you to feel guilty. What Verna did to you was terrible…and…" Olivia tried to put Fitz's conscious more at ease, but began crying.
"Why are you crying?" Fitz wiped away a tear from her eye.
"This is really all my fault," Olivia cried.
"You getting shot, hurting you and sending you over a cliff that you went down," Olivia explained. "All of that was because of me. If I hadn't gotten involved in Defiance none of this mess would…" Olivia trailed off as she began to cry harder.
This whole mess was all from her and actions in Defiance. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was a fixer, she was supposed to fix things, and instead she broke the one person who meant the entire world to her. She completely destroyed him, putting him down a path of destruction. Fitz wrapped his arms around her, allowing her to cling on for dear life.
"I'm so sorry, Fitz. I'm sorry for everything – for Defiance, for Verna, for being in love with you."
Fitz squeezed her tight.
"Don't ever apologize for being in love with me," he muttered.
"You want to tell me that it hasn't made everything much more difficult?"
"It makes things difficult," Fitz confessed.
"Maybe you were right when you told me not to wait-"
"No, Liv. Those things that I said-"
"Fitz, all we've done is hurt one another. I ruined you. And even though we're back to talking right now, what do you want from this?" Olivia was always a long-term planner, and to her it seemed like they were exactly back where they started before the assassination attempt.
"I…I don't know, Liv," Fitz put a hand up to his face in frustration and rubbed his tired eyes.
"What do you want?" Olivia repeated the phrase, this time more intense.
"I don't know…I-I honestly…I just want to sleep," Fitz groaned. "I'm just so tired, Livvie. I just need to rest." Between the emotional back and forth with Olivia, physically getting drained, and basically not have a good night's sleep for about three days, he had hit his limit.
"Okay," Olivia whispered. She helped Fitz take off his suit jacket and dress shirt, and helped him with his pants too, so he was comfortably in his boxers.
"Goodnight, Fitz," Olivia held his head and gently leaned it against the pillow.
When he finally closed his eyes, Olivia got up to leave. She figured she should probably try to leave Camp David early in the morning before Fitz would know.
She didn't want to leave, but she knew deep down that leaving was the right choice. She drove him to murder. She drove him down the dark path that he was on. She was no good for him. At first she thought that she was no good for his Presidency, but after learning everything tonight, she realized that she was no good for him personally.
She shared her side of the Defiance story, and that was all she could offer Fitz. She couldn't offer him a solution to his nightmares or his insomnia. How could she when she was the cause?
She remembered when Fitz told her he was letting her go. She felt absolutely devastated. But that was nothing compared to how she was feeling being on the other side, knowing that she had to let him go. Olivia didn't want to let him go, but she would; a painful act out of love again.
Olivia decided to spend the night in the cabin she normally stayed in when she visited Camp David in the past. It was some physical distance away from Fitz, which Olivia thought would be needed, but it was also full of memories that replayed in her head as the night carried on.
She felt guilty, depressed, and most of all anguished. Fitz was the one love in her life, and she put him through so much pain. Her actions nearly killed him and then drove him to a dark place that has been haunting him since. Sure, she knew that it wasn't her actions directly, but she could help but let her mind wander with "what if's" and race with thoughts of what she should have done differently.
Eventually Olivia couldn't take it anymore. Lucky for her, her cabin was right near the lake, and she figured she could probably benefit from a late night swim. Having not packed a swimsuit, Olivia brought a towel with her and approached the waterfront. Stripping down into a bra and underwear that she used alternatively as a swimsuit, she went into the lake, embracing the frigid water from the cold October night. It did wonders to clear her head, and make her feel free as she swam around foolishly without a care in the world. It was the kind of meditation that she needed.
Out of the corner of her eye Olivia noticed something, and immediately put her swimming to a halt. She tried to look more closely while treading in the water. It appeared to be a rowboat. Olivia was surprised to see a rowboat out on the lake this late at night. She tried to think of all the reasons someone would be paddling around Camp David at this hour. And all of the reasons were not good.
Maybe it was because she was just feeling emotional already, or maybe it was because she was recently reminded about Fitz getting shot and the funeral she had planned for him, but Olivia became suspicious of the boat. What if it belonged to an outsider, someone dangerous, sneaking into Camp David by rowboat to hurt Fitz. Olivia couldn't put the thought out of her head. She had to protect him; she had already done so much to harm him.
She swam toward the boat to confront the stranger. A direct encounter probably wasn't the wisest idea Olivia had, but at this hour of the night she wasn't thinking all that clearly. Olivia felt her heart pounding hard in her chest. She saw the silhouette rise in the boat, standing up. There was no doubt that he had spotted Olivia in the water as she came close.
As he stood up, Olivia realized she knew that figure. She could identify it anywhere. It was Fitz. She thought she had said goodnight to him a couple of hours ago. What was he doing out again?
Fitz stood in the boat searching the water around him. He was certain he heard splashing near him. While at a normal hour, he would have assumed it to be a duck or a large fish, the nighttime and his ongoing nightmares made him extremely paranoid. It sounded too loud to be an animal. He was about 90% certain someone was following him. His breathing became heavy with nervousness and regret for sneaking out here by himself at night. He looked at the water around him, but couldn't see any movement. Maybe the sleep deprivation was just making him hear things. Either way, he thought it wise to immediately go back to shore to the safety of his cabin surrounded by agents.
It wasn't until he just started lowering his hips to take a seat again that his thoughts were interrupted with a rather loud, "Hi!"
Fitz stumbled back, completely startled by the sound, giving out a small yelp as he lost his balance and fell into the water behind him.
"Fitz!" Olivia cried out and swam to him as he came to the surface, spitting out lake water. She approached his side. "Fitz, are you okay?"
"Olivia?" he coughed a little more. "Livvie, what the hell are you doing here?"
"What does it look like? I went for a swim."
"Couldn't sleep?" he asked, feeling as though he already knew the answer.
"No…"
"Yeah, me neither," Fitz sighed in defeat. It wasn't long after Olivia left that he grew restless again.
"Where's your detail?" Olivia asked. She found it extremely peculiar that he was on this small rowboat by himself with no agents, and she couldn't see any agents along the shoreline.
"Would you believe that I snuck out of a window to get out here and away from them?" Fitz snickered.
"Oh my god!" Olivia started laughing hysterically. "You literally sound like a high school kid trying to go to a party."
"What can I say?" Fitz laughed lightly along with Olivia.
"I can't believe you!" she exclaimed continuing to laugh with Fitz whose laugh got heartier.
"God Liv, you scared me," Fitz mused as he continued treading water next to Olivia. "What were you even doing? Coming up to me to scare me?"
"No I didn't mean to!" Olivia spoke apologetically and embarrassed. "I…"
"You what?"
"I got worried…" Olivia said shamefully.
"Worried?"
"I…uh…I…I saw the boat and I didn't know it was you, and I got worried that…it might…it might have been…an intruder…"
As the words came out, she realized how ridiculous it all was and felt even more embarrassed by her assumption and the fact that she thought it best to take matters into her own hands. Fitz started howling out with laughter.
"You thought I was an intruder, so you approached me? What was your plan from there, Liv? You're just barely over 5 feet. You mean to tell me you were going to take care of a potential assassin all by yourself with your bare hands?" Fitz laughed even harder, but it was music to Olivia's ears to see him this gleeful.
"Hey, I could have!" Olivia laughed, splashing water at Fitz as though she was offended. "I scared you into falling, didn't I?"
"Oh yeah you did…I'm going to have to get you back for that." Fitz splashed Olivia back and swam after her.
They continued to laugh as they swam around the boat with Fitz chasing Liv, and Liv turning back to splash him at any chance she could. Eventually he caught her and picked her up from the water tossing her over his shoulder with her hips draped right over his shoulder, and his hands wrapped around each of her shins just above her ankles.
"Fitz! Put me down!" Olivia screamed, beating her hands lightly onto Fitz's back.
"As you wish," Fitz laughed and let go of Olivia's legs, dropping her into the water. He continued to laugh, but not for long as Olivia popped out of the water and dunked him from behind, but Fitz just managed to pull her down with him at the last second.
They both came up for air laughing as they held onto each other until an awkward silence settled over them. Fitz's eyes gazed down to her lips. He wanted nothing more than to feel them on his. He leaned in slowly, checking to see if she would pull back. Instead she followed his lead, meeting him in the middle.
It was nothing more than a single kiss but both could feel the electricity course through them as their lips touched. The feeling of love was still evidently there.
"Fitz…I'm sorry I shouldn't have-" Olivia got out of his hold and pivoted to swim away.
"Wait! Wait, Olivia, please?" he pleaded and grabbed her, turning her around in the water.
"Don't let me go, Olivia. Please, don't let me go. I can't…" Fitz's voice cracked trying to stop any tears that were forming in his eyes. He took a deep breath to stop himself. "I love you. You are the love of my life. Despite what you might think, you are not the cause of any of my problems; you are the answer. Livvie, you are the only think keeping me sane. Without you I'm-I'm nothing, and you…you are everything."
Olivia reached up framing his face in her hands.
"I love you too, Fitz. I need you too. I don't know if you can forgive me for-"
"I do!" Fitz quickly interrupted her. "I do. I originally thought that you were part of Defiance to use me, and I didn't even give you a chance to explain. And I am so sorry about that, Livvie. I should have. I shouldn't have ignored you for all these months. But now, after learning why you actually did it…"
Fitz stopped himself and chuckled slightly, "I mean committing treason for your boyfriend is actually pretty hot."
Olivia giggled with him, until he became more somber again.
"I just hope you can forgive me for what I've said and…what I've done." Fitz gulped, feeling a lump form in his throat.
"I do, Fitz. I'm not mad. But I need you to forgive yourself." She caressed his arm and tried to make the mood light. "I mean committing murder to protect your girlfriend from jail for treason is pretty hot too."
She was glad to see that the joke went over well and made Fitz laugh.
"God, we are a mess."
"We are," Olivia agreed and then shivered from the wind that began to pick up.
Fitz, having been so distracted by trying to make things right with Olivia, only just became aware of how cold it was outside.
"We should dry off. Did you bring a towel with you?"
Olivia nodded.
"I did. It's over by the shore."
"Ok. Hop in. I'll get us there faster." Fitz went toward the boat holding it steady in place as Olivia climbed into it from the side. He instructed her to put her weight on the other side while he came up so the boat wouldn't capsize over. Though it was slippery, Fitz used his upper arm strength to get himself in the stern, and took his seat again in between the boat's oars. He told Olivia to sit in front of him with her back between his legs, and her arms snuggly next to each of his calves.
"Lucky for you, I did crew in high school and college, so I'll get us back in no time," Fitz bragged.
Fitz could feel Olivia shake and shiver and squeezed her with his legs to try and make her warm some more. The October air, and being completely drenched, was making him cold as well. Olivia could feel him start to shiver, so she wrapped her arms around his lower legs and started vigorously rubbing her hands up and down to try and warm them. It wasn't much, but she heard him let out a sigh of relief.
In only a couple of minutes, Fitz made it to the shore. Olivia jumped out of the boat and sprinted to her towel, grabbing it. She ran back to Fitz and tried to get them both wrapped up.
"N-no. You go ahead and u-use it," Fitz tried to bundle her up in the towel.
"A-are you su-sure?"
"Yeah. I at least have clothes on," Fitz retorted, hugging himself with his arms to keep warm.
"Fitz, your clothes are soaked," Olivia pointed out. "C-come on, I have more towels in my cabin, and it's just over there."
Olivia and Fitz ran away from the beach toward Olivia's cabin that was right near it. Just stepping inside felt like a world of difference. They paused for a moment, giving themselves a minute to just look at each other and crack up over how ridiculous of a situation they were in right now. Here they were at four in the morning, once again, but this time completely soaked in lake water. Olivia lingered toward the linen closet of her cabin where she had gotten the towels for herself before swimming.
"Here, I'll go get you some towels, so you can dry off."
"Thanks."
She handed Fitz a few towels. He immediately took one to his head, using the towel to ruffle through his hair. He laid another one on a chair so he could take a seat without worrying about damaging any furniture too much.
"I'm going to go warm up," Olivia said, pivoting to go toward the bathroom of her cabin.
"Okay."
Fitz could hear Olivia turn on the shower. He shook his head and bundled another towel around him tightly as he tried to dry off and stay warm. What was he doing? He should be going back to his lodge to warm up, not here with Olivia. If his secret service found out he snuck away like he had, he couldn't even begin to imagine the kind of lectures he would get from Cyrus. He knew he should get up and go back, but he just couldn't get himself to leave, no matter how badly he wanted a hot shower himself. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door opening, and the sight of Olivia wrapped in a bathrobe.
"Are you going to come in?"
"Wh-wh-what?" he stuttered partially out of surprise and partially because he was still so damn cold.
"Do you want to join me?"
"It's okay, Liv. I-I can wait til a-after." Fitz shivered again, and Olivia walked toward him.
"Fitz, come on, you need to warm up. You don't have time to get sick."
Fitz chuckled, and slowly got up, meeting Olivia halfway and went into the bathroom. Olivia helped him strip out of his clothes and tossed the pile of wet laundry into a corner of the floor. She took off her bathrobe, hanging it up on the hook right outside the shower.
It occurred to both of them that they hadn't seen each other like this since the last time Olivia stayed at Camp David before she resigned, and they had never showered together. Though they both had lists of all the things they wanted to do to each other in the shower, they were both just way too exhausted to even try to make any moves.
"How's it feel?" Olivia moved out of the way to let the water run on Fitz.
"Mmmm….so good," he answered. It felt so warm between the water and the steam in the air, and having Olivia there next to him, made the shower even better.
They got clean and lingered longer until they came out of the bathroom. Olivia was wearing the small bathrobe that was already in the cabin for her, and Fitz had a bath towel tied around his waist. He watched Olivia as she slipped off the bathrobe and laid out her pajamas, Fitz's navy t-shirt. It was then that Fitz realized he had a predicament.
"Uhhhh…."
"What's up?" Olivia asked, noticing a sense of concern, as she slipped the t-shirt on.
"You wouldn't happen to have something I can wear?"
Olivia started giggling, realizing Fitz's current problem.
"I don't...I have your Navy t-shirt, but that's it, and that doesn't really cover up what the problem would be."
"No it-it really doesn't," Fitz laughed. "You don't suppose I could walk up to my secret service with only a towel on and expect no questions do you?"
Olivia laughed along.
"I don't think that's a wise idea."
"I mean I could try to sneak back in through the window, but in the chance that I get caught in the process, I feel like that could make the situation worse…" Fitz ran a hand through his hair, which he often did when he was stressed. "Shit."
"Hey, it's alright." Olivia spoke calmly, looking at the clock on the wall. "Look, people are going to start getting up in about an hour or two, and Tom always has the early morning shift. We can wait it out, and I can text him where you are and to bring you some clothes."
Fitz nodded, approvingly. It was a good idea.
"Ok yeah. Tom is good. He'll keep this all….a…secret." he yawned.
Olivia slipped into the bed with her back leaning against the headboard. She shifted over to make more room.
"Here, if you want to just lay down for a bit. I don't want you to feel like you have to stand for two hours."
Although she wasn't going to tell him, the truth was that Olivia knew exactly what she was doing right when she invited Fitz inside the cabin to dry off. She was really worried about him. The bags under his eyes made them almost unbearable to look at. They were so sad and tired and desperate. She could only hope that maybe he would sleep better if she were there with him.
He looked at her a little hesitantly at her invitation, but who would he be to give up an opportunity to cuddle with the love of his life? So he smiled as he took off his towel and went underneath the covers.
He started in the same position as Olivia, sitting up with his back against the headboard, and the covers pulled up to his waist. As the minutes of silence dripped by, Olivia began slipping herself lower and lower into laying down with Fitz subconscious following along and mirroring her position, until they were both lay down fully with their heads on the pillows.
Fitz felt his eyelids begin to get heavy. This bed was just too comfortable. He was fairly certain that it was the comfiest bed had had ever been in, and it had nothing to do with the woman next to him in the bed. He felt his eyes close, but immediately shot them open as a new thought came into his head.
What if he had another nightmare, and this time woke up Olivia by doing so? He didn't know if his dignity could handle something like that. He shook slightly at the thought of the nightmares that were likely to come. He was just so sick and tired of them at that point.
"Are you still cold?" he heard Olivia ask, misinterpreting his trembling for shivering.
"Um…uh yeah…a little bit," he lied, and he wished he hadn't. He felt Olivia shimmy closer to him and wrap her arms around him, cuddling tightly into him. She felt so warm, and so secure. He knew he was about to lose this internal battle he was having. He couldn't help it. He felt his eyes start to close again.
"Is that better?"
"Mhhhmmm…. yeah," he opened his eyes one more time to look at her, but he could not keep them open at all. He let out another big yawn. "I'm just going to close my eyes for a little bit," he said groggily.
"Okay." Olivia smiled, knowing he was going to sleep and her plan was working.
"Just for one minute…" his eyes closed.
"Alright."
"I'll be up…" he yawned, "…before…'fore Tom comes."
He finished in slurred words, but Olivia took a quick glance, and knew he was out. She softly kissed him, hearing him give out a soft moan, and took to sleep herself, nestled against him.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT IN THERE?" Cyrus yelled at the top of his lungs, certain his head was about to explode. "Do you have any idea the near heart attack you gave me, when I woke up this morning to a text of a missing President?
The two young secret service agents both looked at each other, daring the other to speak. Finally one of them came forward.
"S-sir when we went to check on him this morning, he was gone with the window open. B-but we've been here all night, sir. And we didn't see anything suspicious, we don't think so, sir."
"You just lost the most powerful man in the world!" Cyrus screamed, "but you don't 'think' you saw anything suspicious?"
"Sir…" Tom tried to interrupt Cyrus. Like Cyrus, he too woke up to the ongoing chaos among the staff at Camp David of the vanishing President - although Tom had a pretty good idea on his whereabouts. These poor rookies in front of him, hadn't thought like him, and instead pulled the "fire alarm" of waking Cyrus Beene the very first moment they noticed President Grant was not in his room.
"You two are fired!" Cyrus continued to scream his head off.
"Sir…"
Cyrus ignored Tom, continuing to yell.
"You're both going to pack up and move right out of DC, because I am going to make sure that you never work anywhere in that city again! And don't even think about looking at future jobs in security. I am going to use all of my power so the only job you'll be seeing is making animal balloons at childrens' birthday parties in Idaho! Do you understand me?!"
"Sir." Tom said this time more firmly.
"What is it, Tom?" Cyrus yelled back annoyed.
"Come with me," Tom tilted his head to motion to follow him as he walked. Cyrus followed and began walking until they were out of earshot.
"I have reason to believe that the President is with Olivia Pope right now," Tom spoke lowly to ensure only Cyrus could hear.
"Olivia Pope?" Cyrus spoke in disbelief. That couldn't be. The last he recalled she and Fitz were not even speaking to each other. "But he-
"-asked me to bring her to Camp David yesterday evening and I complied, sir." Tom finished for Cyrus, making it known that whatever falling out may have happened between those two seemed to all be water under the bridge now.
"Where is she?" Cyrus asked annoyed, with a sense of anger bubbling underneath. The Shakespearean drama that this political world seemed to bring to him was not what he imagined in his younger years.
"Her usual cabin, sir," Tom answered.
Cyrus marched toward her cabin furious. He was ready to yell at Olivia and Fitz for their childish ways. He knew Fitz would always be difficult, but sneaking away from detail went way too far this time. And to think that Olivia just allowed him to! She knew better than that. He knew that she knew better that than. Once he saw them he was going to go full force on them, and not hold back anything on how reckless and stupid they were.
Cyrus was so angry he didn't even bother to knock as he swung open the door as hard as he could. Ready to yell, he immediately stopped himself after a sharp inhale, and gently released his breath as he stood in place.
He watched momentarily as both of them slightly stirred in their sleep from his rather loud steps and opening the door. Neither stirred enough to fully wake up, and they continued sleeping wrapped in each other's arms. It was quite a lovely site.
Cyrus knew that he should have woken them up and put a stop to whatever was going on here. He should have gotten Fitz up to work and made Olivia leave to not be a distraction. Yet for some reason, Cyrus couldn't help but feel a light leap in his heart at the site before him. He was well aware of the President's current battles with insomnia, and seeing him asleep, let alone asleep with a smile on his face, was something he thought he would he never see again. Cyrus knew he would live to regret it, but ultimately he decided to make the call.
He walked out of the cabin quietly and gently closed the door to make sure not to disturb the two. He then pulled out his phone and dialed the number.
"Hi Lauren, it's Cyrus Beene..….yeah, could you do me a favor and clear the President's schedule for today? Rearrange it however you need to."
Eventually he started to stir and stretch, naturally getting out of his state of deep sleep.
"Hi," she said, looking at him as his eyes started to flutter open.
"Hi," he groaned, stretching his legs in the bed. He immediately sat up, noticing how bright it was through the window. "What time is it?"
"Just a little after 3pm."
"No…that can't be…" Fitz sounded extremely worried. He had budgets to go over, meetings with certain interest groups to go to. He felt his heart rate start to pick up in concern.
"It's fine. I woke up to a text from Cyrus that said and I quote 'I'm doing my one good deed for the year. Enjoy having the day off.'"
Fitz chuckled, and shook his head in bewilderment. The same Cyrus that always tried to keep them apart was actually allowing them to spend a free day together.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Only about two hours or so."
"Oh, sorry to keep you waiting. You should have woken me."
"It's ok. I caught up on some emails anyways, and you needed the rest."
Fitz wasn't going to argue with her there. He was feeling a million times better already.
"I also talked to Tom," Olivia said. "He stopped by and left you some clothes on top of the dresser."
"Thanks," he said, grabbing her hand and pulling it up to his lips. He then cupped Olivia's chin, bringing her face close to his for a passionate kiss, growing deeper, until he pulled away to speak. "So we've still got about nine hours of our day off together…"
"Nine whole hours…how do you think we should ever spend that time?" Olivia teased him, rubbing her hand down his chest.
"I have some ideas in mind," Fitz suggested, flipping her over onto the bed, and kissing her with all the love he could give her.
A/N: I know that got a little dark and emotional at time, but one thing that always bothered me that wasn't addressed on the show too much was how Olivia had planned Fitz's funeral after the assassination attempt. I know that sounds morbid, but I think it says a lot about Olivia's strength and feelings towards Fitz, and I'm upset it was never really addressed on the show. I tried to imagine how that would have changed things if he ever found out, and if they ever would talk about it. I like to think that it would perhaps change how he thought about Defiance a little more, and we wouldn't have had to heartbreaking episodes of season 2.
I hope everyone is doing well and staying healthy! Remember to wash your hands, don't touch your face, and don't hoard the toilet paper!