Maria sat before the Reverend Mother, sighing quietly to release some of the tension in her body. She had expected a warmer welcome, a smile at the very least, but the woman seemed extremely businesslike, and it was frightening. She hadn't necessarily planned to visit the Abbey that day. Georg had surprised the children by taking them to lunch while the Baroness had a fitting for her party dress. Maria was invited as well, but when she saw the Abbey looming in the distance, she knew that today was the day she needed to go. It had been put off for far too long. Though she was suddenly regretting that she hadn't at least phoned in advance.

"What brings you here today, child?" Maria looked up from her lap, feeling scolded already.

"I haven't visited in quite a while. I thought we should discuss the end of my time as a governess." She felt like a small child all of a sudden, the eyes of a disciplinarian looking upon her harshly. "Are you well, Reverend Mother?"

"Quite." Just a small, simple word, bitten between her lips, but it still made Maria feel defenseless. The woman was looking her up one side and down the other. Finally, after long moments of silence, she spoke again. "Maria, where is your wimple?"

"Oh." She touched her hair and looked down at her dress, an orange and brown striped dress that clashed heavily with the dimness of the Abbey. "I didn't expect to come here today, actually. Besides...I feel like I shouldn't wear it. I mean, I'm not worthy of it."

"Not worthy? Is that also why you haven't been to Mass in the past three months?" She nodded, biting her lip. So that must be why Reverend Mother was acting so cold; she was angry with her for missing Mass for so long.

"I apologize, mother. I promise my faith in God is not in question. Frankly, I talk to Him more now than I ever have before."

"Then tell me, why do you feel you're unworthy of your postulant clothes."

"I...um...well, I..." She sighed in frustration with herself. She knew she needed to just say it. "I've sinned, Reverend Mother. Quite a lot, actually."

"I see." She sighed, standing from her desk and walking around to perch upon the front of it, closer to Maria. Perhaps to offer comfort or perhaps to better see the anguish in her eyes, she wasn't sure which. "What are these sins?"

"Well, I have been very selfish. I've been insensitive and unkind at times, and quite cruel sometimes as well."

"I can't imagine you being cruel, Maria."

"Yes, well...I've felt things I've never felt before, like jealousy and resentment. I've also been more outspoken than usual."

"More outspoken?" The Reverend Mother gave a soft laugh, but Maria couldn't join in her humor. She seemed to be trying to make light of the conversation, but she clearly had no idea that her sins were going to be what they were. It was obvious that she expected the same, innocent girl she had known months ago to be sitting in front of her. She had changed so much since then.

"I've been swearing, quite a bit, actually. Mostly to myself, but..." She met the older woman's eyes, knowing she was running out of the smaller transgressions.

"What's the sin you're afraid to reveal?" Maria opened her mouth, but couldn't speak. Taking a deep breath, she readjusted herself in her chair, clasping her hands together upon her lap.

"I've been to bed with a man." And then the silence she expected happened. It would have almost been better had there been yelling or carrying on, she thought, but there was only pure silence. She looked up to meet her eyes and found disappointment looking back at her. It was a heavy look, nearly able to cripple her. "I realize this means I can no longer take my vows, and I am unworthy of your counsel."

"How many times?"

"I'm afraid I can't say. Many times."

"Captain Von Trapp?" She raised her eyebrows in question, wondering how she had guessed so quickly. Perhaps their connection was more obvious than she thought.

"Yes."

"Has he forced himself upon you?" Her voice was direct, as she was grasping at circumstances to somehow make it sound more justifiable.

"Oh goodness no! No, not at all. I'm an...equal participant." She wasn't sure how to say that she was the one who asked him to her bed in the first place. Perhaps that information didn't necessarily need to be shared.

"This is still going on?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you here today? It can't possibly be an attempt to repent for your ghastly behavior." Her words were sharp, and Maria jumped at the tone. She shook her head, feeling tears welling behind her eyes.

"No, I'm not here to ask for forgiveness. I don't feel regretful for what I've done, honestly." She looked into her eyes, expecting disgust, but only receiving a cold stare. "I'm simply here to tell you why I will not be returning in September as originally planned."

"You're going to stay there as his mistress?"

"No, I'll still be leaving. It's part of our arrangement."

"Arrangement? Maria, you're using your body as a business transaction. There is an entire profession based upon that." She stood and began to pace a bit, putting distance between them.

"It's not like that."

"It is exactly like that!"

"Mother, I am not what you think." She stood as well and rushed to the older woman, taking her hands in her own. "I'm simply a woman who has discovered a part of myself that has changed my plans."

"I assure you, this is not part of God's plan!" She tossed her hands away, disgusted by the thought.

"You don't believe that God would want me to live my life knowing myself fully? If I'm not meant to be a nun..."

"Don't you dare imply that God sent you to the Von Trapp household to fall into a life of immorality and lust."

"I would never imply that. I'm saying that I was never meant to be a nun, and you've known it all along. God showed me in His own way, and I'm ashamed of myself for taking it this far, but I am not sorry. For the first time in my life, I feel happy."

"So you're happy with yourself? You're happy with taking to a man's bed out of wedlock, who, may I remind you, is rumored to be marrying another woman?"

"He hasn't proposed yet." She received a dirty look in return, and she averted her gaze. Not exactly a strong argument on her part.

"What does he give you in return?" She felt confused by the question, shaking her head.

"I don't understand."

"Does he give you gifts? I notice this is a fine dress you're wearing."

"I made this dress. Mother, I've told you, I'm not..."

"Then what is it that makes this so important to you? What does he give you?"

"I don't know; kindness, company, friendship, warmth, comfort...pleasure. He sees me for who I am and treats me as such. He treats me so well. He really is a wonderful man." She shrugged, feeling that she was not at all being heard no matter what she said anyway. There was a long pause.

"Do you love him?" The words were soft, much more gentle than she would have expected after such a harsh conversation.

"No." The older woman placed a hand upon her shoulder, looking deeply into her eyes. It had been a long time since a motherly figure had looked into her soul like that. She felt completely unarmed. Without warning, tears began to flow from her eyes, and she covered her face.

"Maria, be honest with yourself."

"I can't."

"Are you in love with him?"

"I don't know! I don't want to be. This whole thing was supposed to be free of feelings."

"Does he love you in return?" She wiped her eyes, sighing.

"No...sometimes I think he could, the way he looks at me or makes love to me..." She stopped, blushing heavily. "I'm sorry."

"Please continue."

"He's never said it. I thought he nearly did a couple of times, but it's all in my head. He's still planning to propose to Baroness Schraeder." She sat back in the chair in front of the desk, leaning over to hold her face in her hands. She had not expected the conversation to turn in such a way and felt entirely helpless. "How could someone like him ever love someone like me?"

"Maria, you know you must tell him."

"I could never." She sighed, wiping her eyes and composing herself. "The time we spend together is not meant for feelings, it's what we agreed upon. I mean to leave, and I will."

"Has he asked you to stay?"

"Yes, a few times. But how could I? I wouldn't be able to live this way much longer. Some days I feel as if I'm being eaten alive by guilt." The Reverend Mother seemed relieved that there was at least some kind of remorse in her soul, pulling her against her in a comforting hug as Maria wiped her eyes once more.

"You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel guilt. But, Maria, you have got to be honest with him. If you love him, you must let him know." She looked up into her eyes, wishing to have all the answers. "If you don't tell him and you leave, the regret will eat you alive far faster than guilt ever could."

She nodded, understanding that she would be a broken soul if she truly did leave without so much as breaching the truth in her feelings for him. She had been suppressing everything for so long, she wasn't sure she even knew how to properly feel anymore. She needed time to think, her head was spinning. After a bit longer speaking to Reverend Mother, Maria was escorted to the door and released from the Abbey for the final time, receiving a small hug from Sister Margaretta.

As she walked toward the restaurant where the family was having lunch, she allowed herself to truly think about what her life would be like if she stayed. She hated to say it, but she was afraid she could go on much longer than she would admit as his mistress. She would do anything he asked her to do, just to be with him. Anything he asked, she would do; even though he would never ask. He never expected anything more from her than what she was, what she was willing to give. She alone was enough for him, and he was enough for her. That was why she loved him.

Her feet stopped moving when she finally admitted her feelings to herself, her heart pounding in her chest. She was in love with him...it couldn't be true, she had worked so hard to keep her heart out of the equation when they were together. Who was she kidding, she thought, she knew she couldn't be that cold of a person, no matter how hard she had tried. She loved him.

"Right on time, Fraulein." She shook her head and came back to reality to find that she was only a few feet away from the restaurant, the children and Georg emerging onto the sidewalk after finishing their lunch. She smiled and walked to meet them, feeling Gretl take her hand. The fleeting thought of being a mother to the children rather than their governess made her heart soar.

"We brought you a sandwich, Fraulein Maria." Marta's little voice found her ears, and she bent down a bit and smiled in response.

"You did? That is awfully kind of you all."

"It was Father's idea." She stood fully and met his eyes, giving him a soft smile.

"Thank you, Captain, that was very thoughtful." He handed her a little bag containing the sandwich in question, his fingers caressing hers secretively, but she noticed that Liesl was watching with intentness, always hoping to witness some kind of sign.

"My pleasure, Fraulein." He winked, moving closer to her for a moment before walking past her to unlock the car for the children to enter. She saw the Baroness walking toward them as well, a dress bag in her hand. For a moment she nearly forgot she existed.