EVANGELION: REWIRED
By Anguirus1955
Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion and all related characters therein are the intellectual property of Studio Gainax and Hideaki Anno.
THE STORY SO FAR...
At the age of 16, Shinji Ikari got dragged to NERV by Misato Katsuragi to become the pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, a giant cyborg cloned from the flesh of Lilith, a giant ancient god-like being found buried deep within the Earth's crust. He then met Rei Ayanami, who is a partial clone of Lilith, before fighting against the 3rd Angel, Sachiel. Shinji then made friends with his fellow school students, primarily Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida, before fighting off the 4th and 5th Angels by himself and with the help of Rei in Unit 00, respectively. Rei's home was destroyed during the battle with the 4th Angel and she was taken in by Misato, thus causing her to live with Shinji and begin developing her emotions faster. The 5th Angel killed Shinji before he was revived by NERV's medical staff, and then he and Rei blew the fuck out of it with a giant position sniper rifle. A month after the defeat of the 5th Angel, Asuka Langley Sohryu and Mari Illustrious Makinami came to Japan with Inspector Ryoji Kaji, killed the 6th Angel along the way, and met Shinji, Rei, and their friends.
The four pilots then worked together to kill the 7th Angel, while the 8th Angel was killed by pilots Mana Kirishima and Harold Wagner in Nevada in Eva Units 04-A and 04-B, respectively. Mana was then transferred to NERV Japan along with Eva Unit 04-B, and she and Asuka started butting heads because they are both competitive leader types, eventually forming a friendly rivalry. Meanwhile, Asuka began getting close to Toji and eventually started dating him while the 9th Angel was frozen by NERV staff before being eaten by Unit 01. Toji was then chosen to be an Eva pilot shortly before the 10th Angel showed up and got killed by the JSSDF. Yes, the JSSDF actually killed an Angel.
Then NERV 2nd Branch got blown up by a secret group called SEELE and Mana began suffering from depression for a few weeks until the 11th Angel showed up and swallowed her Eva whole, trapping her inside of it until Shinji and Rei disobeyed orders and Shinji jumped inside of the Angel to rescue Mana, having finally grown a fully-developed spine.
Following this, Shinji and Rei were both placed on probation or something, while Toji continued undergoing training while still dating Asuka. The 12th Angel was soon discovered in a volcano where it was almost captured by Mari, only for it to escape and be killed by Toji in Unit 04-B.
A couple months later, Toji got Asuka pregnant, and Asuka found herself being removed from the pilot roster, only to be sent back into the field when the 13th Angel infected Unit 03 and started attacking everything in sight. The 13th Angel incapacitated all of the other Evas and left only Unit 02 standing until the experimental Dummy System was activated and Unit 02 eviscerated Unit 03, with Toji being found dead by rescue teams. No one knows when Toji actually died or how.
Asuka then fell into a depression, and as she prepared to leave Tokyo-3, the 14th Angel attacked the city, devastating its defenses and defeating most of the other Evas, with only Unit 04-B holding it off until Asuka could get back into Unit 02 one last time and kick the Angel's ass. Unfortunately, Unit 02 ran out of power and the 14th Angel was ultimately defeated by a berserk Rei in an equally berserk Unit 00, which then devoured the Angel's S2 organ and absorbed Rei into the core.
Rei then met the soul of Naoko Akagi inside the core of Unit 00, as well as the soul of Lilith, who was hiding inside of her the entire time. Rei then learned of her true parentage as both a partial clone of Lilith and Ritsuko Akagi before returning to the outside world, where her relationship with NERV's leaders became strained after learning that they had lied to her all her life.
Later, Mana became manic and paranoid after learning that SEELE was planning to have her assassinated and she roped Kaji into helping her destroy Lilith to prevent Third Impact. Tragically, Mana was found out and Kaji died. Mana was then captured and falsely reported as dead by Gendo to SEELE.
Meanwhile, the 17th Angel, Kaworu Nagisa, showed up at NERV and became the replacement pilot for Asuka in Unit 02 while also resuming a relationship with Mari that had been temporarily put on hold when Mari and Asuka left Germany. Then the 15th Angel showed up and mind-raped Shinji and Mari before Kaworu killed it with the Spear of Longinus, but Shinji and Mari were left emotionless shells. After this, Rei managed to get Shinji back to normal by having steaming hot sex with him, while Mari simply used sex with Kaworu as a coping mechanism to deal with all of the trauma and stress that she'd been going through, while Tokyo-3 initiated a mass exodus of all residents who weren't needed to work at NERV HQ.
Then the 16th Angel showed up and fused itself with Unit 05, infecting Mari. Mari then activated her Eva's self destruct mechanism and sacrificed herself to destroy the Angel. This made Kaworu sad, so he decided to merge himself with ADAM's remains and tried to initiate Third Impact on his own in order to see Mari again. Shinji and Rei fought him and pointed out the flawed logic of his plan, causing him to become suicidal and beg Shinji to kill him. Shinji reluctantly obliged and soon entered a depression of his own again until Rei fucked him back to normal in the locker room. Oh, and Asuka became depressed after Mari died.
And that's the story of how I met your mother... I mean, the story so far. Damn, I think I've somehow made this story even more depressing than the original NGE. Wasn't my goal to make things... less depressing? Wait... yes, but only in comparison to the original NGE.
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...
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And somehow, I think I've still missed the mark.
Anyway, we have reached the endgame. Now comes the part where I basically retell The End Of Evangelion with some notable differences. Instead of splitting this into two chapters, this will be one long chapter with small sub-sections.
I'm not dead yet, my friends. Not yet. If Hideaki Anno can take almost a decade to finish his own official retelling, then surely fan fiction writers can take a few years to finish their own. This year, my friends, this year...