A/N: EDIT: Well, flames all over the comments again. Can't we all just get along? T_T
As ever, we're going by the Embers Rule. This will be deleted if folks don't like it.
That's right, gone for keeps.
Every bit of feedback counts. So by all means, speak up! Makes yourselves heard! Your words matter, after all. I wouldn't be here without you.
Now then, onto your questions:
Q: Okay, I gotta ask. You gonna be merciful in this story to Cinder, or what? I know its a humorous little ficlet and all, but I wanted to ask; because barring some feat you didn't mention, I'm pretty damn sure the Cinder here is the evil, vile, unrepentant bitch that we all hate.
A: I've been kind to Cinder in several stories, this much is true.
THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE STORIES.
Q: Hol' up! How strong is Naruto in this story?!
A: Read and see. There's a reason he keeps himself and Kaguya drunk. Lets just say the fact that their getting along has...wel, he'
Q: Brawl when?!
A: THREE WAY BRAWL NOW! Prepare to laugh.
Q: So, I'm assuming everyone's going to go absolutely ballistic now that's Cinder's opened fire.
A: Pretty much. Cinder's still angling for revenge of course, but do remember, at this point she only has Emerald, Mercury, and Watts with her. No Lionheart. No Hazel or Adam and his White Fang to back up.
Meanwhile! We have Team RWBY, Team ORNJ, Qrow and Naruto; to say nothing of a pissed off Raven and Vernal, who could either way at this point.
Good luck Cinder. Not your best move, this.
Almost makes you wonder how she ever pulled one over on Ozpin.
Q: Wait, who was that in the preview?!
A: See for yourself...!
I could answer some more questions, but I'd rather the story speak for me.
As ever, I own no references, themes or memes.
Get ready to laugh.
"ENOUGH! I will not lose to some common drunk! I refuse!
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
"How is that a sentence?!"
...dunno?"
"DIE!"
~Maidens and a Madman.
Down the Hatch
A wise man once said the drunk mind speaks the sober heart.
Naruto believed in that saying wholeheartedly. Truer words have never been spoken. You don't really, truly know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them. Take Qrow for instance. Man was like a brother to him, all but a sibling in blood. He'd seen Branwen at his best and worst, and then some. He didn't trust these kids, and he certainly didn't trust Ozpin. But Qrow? He trusted Qrow.
And if Qrow was willing to knock a few heads together with him, well!
Typical weekend, that.
"Geronimo!"
Clenched knuckles flicked outward, barreling into his opponent's face with a satisfying crack. The young woman aborted her charge with a painful yowl and stumbled back, clutching at her ruined face. Blood sluiced down between her fingers. Oh, dear. That looked painful. Despite himself, Naruto found himself wincing a little. Oops. He hadn't meant to hit her there again. Bit of an accident.
"Every time!" An angry iris regarded him, burning with golden flames. "Why is it always my eye?!"
"Sorry," he shrugged, "But you just make it too easy."
Cinder Fall dove at him in a whirlwind of fire.
Or she would have, if he hadn't flicked a lazy handsign and spewed a torrent of water in her face. What was once a furious charge turned into a ungraceful tumbled as she careened backward. Her back struck the ruined palisade concealing the tribe and crashed through it. Wood cracked and yielded as she hurtled through. For a moment he wondered if that would be enough to put her down. Really, he was holding back here, if only to confirm something.
When she'd opened fire on the camp, everyone had scattered.
Qrow had gone for Raven.
Yang went after mister metal legs. He hadn't paid much attention to the rest. Honestly, four against ten? That wasn't brave. It was suicide. For Cinder.
Oh, and look at that. She was getting up again.
"Look lady," he planted one hand in his pocket, "I may be the drunk one here, but I'm starting to think you're an idiot. Didn't your parents teach you better than this?"
A fireball whisked past, easily sidestepped.
"I am Cinder Fall!" Steam rose from her shoulders as she clamored to her feet. "And I command your respect!"
"No, you demand my attention like a child." Naruto blinked once, and stifled a yawn behind his palm. "But hey, I'll bite. Why?"
Fire flared between her teeth. "Excuse me?!"
"I said, why? Actually, hold on a second." as she looked on aghast, Naruto uncorked a small bottle of booze, pressed it to his lips, and downed it quickly. Vale whiskey always did pack a punch. "Much better." he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Now, where we? Oh, right. What could you have possibly done to deserve my respect?"
She managed to rally, the poor thing, bless her black heart. "I orchestrated the fall of Beacon!"
Another blink followed the last with a frown. "So you did. Are you proud of yourself?"
"Countless innocents died by my machinations!"
Said frown became a scowl. "Aaaaaand~?"
"I slew Ozpin himself with this power!"
...you do realize he can't die."
"But I still killed him!" Still the Fall Maiden glowered at him; her lone eye alight with equal parts fire and fury.
He wasn't impressed. Second verse, same as the first. "And I should respect you for that?"
"You should fear me! I have the blessing of Salem herself!"
"So you are working for her." Good. He'd wanted to confirm that before he did anything rash. "Think I'll pay her a visit after this." Was it wrong that a part of him relished the way Cinder paled? Yes? No? Maybe so?"She's clearly gotten too big for her britches again. Someone needs to give that girl a good spanking."
"Maybe not." Kaguya groused. "She strikes me as someone who'd enjoy it. Kinky bitch, that one."
"Probably. So!" Naruto clapped his palms, startling his prey. "Unless you're hiding a keg of ale in that dress of yours." a lone brow rose when she immediately snarled at him, "I think its high time we wrap this up-
A distant explosion rocked the world behind him as dark clouds rolled in above.
"Huh." Naruto stole a glance over his shoulder. "There's the Maiden. Why am I not surprised?"
In the same instant Cinder's dove at him. Not bad; striking when it his back was turned. She might've made a half-decent shinobi in another life. But not this once. It was the matter of a moment to stop her blade with a single finger, reach around, hook his arm into the cloth concealing her left arm and yank the flesh beneath. Hard.
An awful pop filled the stormy afternoon
Naruto found himself starting at a limb of pure darkness.
"What the...?!"
Cinder crashed to her knees with a noise caught somewhere between a scream and a groan. One hand rose to clutch at her ruined shoulder; until her screams piqued and the twisted form of her her arm began to bulge. In a matter of moments a new arm tore itself into existence from the ruined stump of her arm.
"Urp." Kaguya groaned. "I think I'm going to be sick.
"Huh. Grimm arm. Neat." Naruto frowned as his trophy began to dissolve in his grasp. "It ain't gonna save ya of course, but hey, look at that! You grew it back! that's pretty metal."
Cinder glared up at him, breath hitching in agony.
Naruto flung the crumbling arm away.
"Too much?"
Funny thing about drinking, that. Sometimes it numbs you. Other times it makes you angry. Sad, on occasion. Downright silly, when you least expect it. They say a drunk is also an honest man, for a drunkard can tell no lies. You see, alcohol has a way of opening every door in your mind, of loosening your tongue and cutting away all forms of restraint.
"You've never been big on that aspect, have you?"
"Nope~!" Naruto laughed as Kaguya's inquiry out as he dodged another burning blade. "Hey, look at that! Another miss!"
It swept harmlessly past, carving a fiery furrow where his face had been not a moment before. A pillar of fire chased it, one he casually stifled with a raised hand. Cinder came barreling through it, hacking at his head with all the subtlety of a falling ax. Heh. Fall. Now that he thought about it, she'd probably picked that last name herself. Almost sad.
"Is this really the best you can do?" He squinted at her. "And why are there three of you...?"
"Drunk fool!" She kicked out at him with a long leg, only for him to trip her up and send her sprawling anew.
Her blades flew into the air; he snatched one up and crushed it in his fist.
"OI!" a finger jabbed in her startled face. I'll have you know I'm only tipsy!"
Really, all this exercise was beginning to burn off his buzz. He was beginning to feel dangerously sober. That wouldn't do.
"Noooo!" Kaguya whined and thew a fit in the back of his head like a petulant child. "Don't like that! Don't want it!"
"I know, I know," he reached around himself, fumbling for a flask. "I'm workin' on it, gimme a second...
He pulled a larger bottle from his pack, pried the cork free and drank again. Ah! Much better. Menagerie made some fine stock-
"Blasted fool!" Cinder dove at him while he was distracted. "Hold still and die already!"
"Nah...S' no fun that way...
"You can't keep this up forever!" she cut low and he blocked high. Her forehead smashed against his. "You're human! Just like me!"
"I'm just a human?" another bottle came and went, downed in an instant. "You're slow on the uptake, Cinder. What you're facing isn't a human. I haven't been for...well...awhile now."
Naruto hiccuped and swayed backward, spine binding at an angle that would've made Tyrian himself green with envy. From that angle he lashed out with a heel and kicked Cinder across the face. The startled Maiden took the blow on her chin and shot into the sky. His shadow fell over her in the air. Too late, she felt a fist touch her back.
Her good eye widened. "Oh, you absolute BA-
"Primary Lotus!"
She hit the ground at mach one, crashing into an unprepared Raven. Both went sprawling.
A haggard looking Qrow climbed to his feet. "Thanks for the save...
"Don't stop me now, I'm havin' a good time!"
The two Maidens were only just climbing to her feet when Naruto reached down, grabbed them by the faces, and slammed them into the ground. Then he took off running, dragging them with him. And if he was laughing all the while? Well. No one dared to question him.
Not a single person intervened.
Nope. Nobody at all.
Not a single soul.
(.0.0.0.)
Salem shivered.
Just a bit. Just a little.
"Why do I feel I'm in danger all of a sudden...?
(.0.0.0.)
This wasn't happening.
This! Could not be! HAPPENING!
She had strength now! She had power! So why?!
A frustrated shriek tore its way out of Cinder's throat as she climbed -crawled!- to her feet. Even now her head ached abominably, face red and smarting where she'd been dragged across the ground. Not like this. She was not meant to lose here. Fate was on her side! Destiny demanded her victory! So why, then?! Why, why, why?!
"Why can't I hit you?!
A light laugh swelled through the air, boiling her blood as she failed anew.
"Because you're green." Naruto batted her blades aside with another open palm. "Also, 'cuz I don't want ya to."
This went beyond mere humiliation. He was toying with her. Playing with her, as though she were some child flailing a stick at him. She swiped at him again, to no avail. His body swayed aside at the last second, turning a decapitating stroke into harmless flailing. Flame flew from her fingers and he vanished in a plume of smoke.
"Oooh, those look sharp!" he tittered in her ear. "Little girls shouldn't play with knives."
Another swipe. Another miss.
Cinder pivoted and cut out at his head, weaving a whirlwind of molten death, all for naught. He actively parried now, shattering her blades with each block and forcing her to conjure still more. Glass shattered. Fire flared as they raged back and forth across the camp. Where was Watts? Emerald? Mercury?!
A flash of grey shot past and she soon had her answer.
"No, no, no. Don't you dare run away. Yang Xiao-Long stalked past them, hair alight, murder in her eyes. "C'mere, metal legs! I'll shove 'em up your ass!"
Should she do something about that-ack?!
Pain cracked across her face as someone slapped her upside the head.
"Now, now." a finger wagged. "Don't go cheatin' on me. I'm the only blond you need to worry about."
"Is this a game to you!? This is my life! I have a destiny!
"Hardly." his hand rose, fingers splayed. "If this were a game I'd be having fun. Which I'm not. And I've never been much of one to believe in destiny...
"I'll kill you!"
"So close! Yet so far! C'mon, why so serious?" Naruto granted her a bleary smile as her blades broke on his wrists once more. "You should loosen up a little...
Raven came flying in from the right, only to be summarily caught by her face.
...smell, the roses, ya know?" Without missing a beat he whirled and rammed the Spring Maiden facefirst into the ground. "Who knows? There was an awful crack as her skull struck the dirt, and there she lay. "You might actually look better if you smile." his brow furrowed. "Or lose the scars."
Something snapped in the back of Cinder's mind. Both hands snapped forward. Fire sparked.
Naruto crashed backward with a laugh as a column of flame ripped him from his feet. She brought another one down on his head. Lightning raged. Frost flared. An elemental maelstrom scoured the ground where he lay, baking the ground to clay. There! Victory was hers!
Eye burning, chest heaving, she lowered her arms.
"There!" a childish snarl tore itself from her as the smoke faded. "How did you like that?! All that snark isn't going to save you when I take you apart!"
"And don't think I don't appreciate the effort...
No. No, that wasn't possible!
"By a wide margin, you're packing more of a wallop than most." the drunken god climbed to his feet with a roguish grin, smiling as the ruin of his face restored itself. "However." his head tilted just so, and that small smile became a wicked grin. "You will never, EVER defeat me with that power."
Something about the way he said those words resonated her. "What...?"
"Should I use smaller words?" he laughed. "You. Can't. Hit me."
"Then what do you call the last minute?!"
His eyes narrowed. "Pity."
She lunged. "Die!"
THRUCK!
A knee slammed into her torso, driving the air from her lungs. She doubled over for but a moment before a callous backhand send her flying away, twirling end over end into air. She was still spinning end over end when a fist caught her by the ankle and slammed her into the mud. Flames flared beneath her feet and she burst back into the sky, desperate to put some distance between them. She had to move!
Her foe made no effort to pursue. There was no need.
"You're boring me, you know." his words cut through her dread life a knife. "This isn't fun anymore."
"You...!"
"I've seen more action in a day than you've seen in your entire life." Placid blue eyes gazed up at her from the ground. "Hell, at your age I took down a criminal organization feared across the world." much to her chagrin, he began to count down from his fingers instead, "Several lunatics who wanted to rule said world, fought in a war to end all wars, and sealed a rabbit goddess." a pause. "Who is now currently sloshing around inside me, laughing her ass off at you. Amateur." his head turned and spat upon the ground. "You think a bit of magic makes you strong? You're a little girl flailing about with power you don't even understand."
The flames guttered out of Cinder's eyes. No. No, she wasn't...!
"So why don't you come down here," Naruto cooed, "Stop flailing like a child, and quit wasting everyone's time."
"SHUT UP!"
In a fit of pique, Cinder unleashed all her power. Her arms shot up. The heavens answered her call. A bolt of light split the sky and arced down at him with a vengeance. It vanished into his marked palm, sucked from the sky itself. No! Another came and went, meeting a similar fight. A third. Fourth. Five now. Each left her weaker than the last, each drained her reserves. Still she didn't relent. She dare not relent, because if she did, if she slipped for even a moment-
Sapphire eyes filled her vision. Cinder's recoiled, too late.
Naruto's firm hand closed around her face. She swiped at him weakly. He wrenched her wrist up and to the side, then slammed her into the dirt once more. She kicked up at him with a shriek, but her fist skittered off his face. Something was wrong. She felt so...slow. Weak. Heavy. She couldn't muster her strength. Where had her power gone.
"Such a brat." Those bleary blue orbs narrowed. "You're no better than Raven. Hey, that gives me an idea...
Cinder's visible eye widened. "I'll never submit to you!"
He smiled. It was not a nice smile. "I believe ya."
His hand tightened around her face.
Cinder's world went black.
(.0.0.0.)
Ozpin had seen it all.
He'd witnessed gods and monsters, seen might and magic. Spells that shook the earth. Semblances that defied logic. He had lived countless lives and learned much through them all. Throughout each, he had come to see much, and know even more. Perhaps he had seen all there was to see, know all there was to know.
It seemed the universe lived to defy him.
"Here are your Maidens." Naruto dropped a bundle of cloth at his feet. "Have fun."
Ozpin recoiled, and Oscar's body with him. "What have you done?"
"What was needed.
Cinder Fall looked up at him. At least, he could only assume this was Cinder Fall. That had to be Raven Branwen beside her. The dark hair and red eyes were a dead giveaway. And yet...! Like little girls playing dress-up in their mother's clothes, they wore their garments like tents. It didn't make any sense. Yet the sight before him said otherwise. He blinked thrice.
"Mom?!" Yang took one look at them and both hands flew to her face. "What happened to you?!"
Mercury hissed out a breath through his bruised face. "What the hell is this?!
Emerald blinked rapidly. Scrubbed at her eyes. "Cinder?! Is that you?!"
Arthur groaned where he lay, trapped under Nora's boot.
"You must be joking...
Ozpin was beginning to wonder the same himself. One of the girls sniffled -he could never tell who- large eyes swelling with unshed tears. That got the other going. Everyone shrank back as one. No one wanted to face a crying child and these two couldn't be more than seven at a stretch.
All around them the battle ground to a halt.
"Who are you people?" Cinder glanced about fretfully with both eyes, voice high and reedy with fear. "Where am I? What is this place?!"
"My head hurts!" Raven's voice warbled in thinly-veiled terror. "Where's my mom?! I wanna go home!"
"What the actual hell." Qrow swore. "Oi, whiskers! What...what did you do to them?!"
Naruto yawned. "Erased their memories and used a forbidden jutsu. Why?"
...why is nothing ever, ever, EVER simple with you?"
"What, would you rather I killed 'em?!"
Ozpin looked left.
Ozpin looked right.
Ozpin sighed. "What have we unleashed...?"
A/N: A drunken madman, that's what. Have fuuuun~!
Once more, Embers Rule. If folks don't like it, poof! To the bin it goes. Might even delete it entirely.
Funny thing about having the power of the goddess. Opens up all sorts of shenanigans. Naturally, we'll see everyone's reactions next chapter. You'll love 'em~!
Pairing is going to be an...unorthodox one. I'm aiming for a surprise here. Care to guess it? I intend to make it something...new.
So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review...Would You Kindly?
And enjoy these previews!
Lets get crazy~!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
READ IF YOU DARE!
(Previews!)
Raven blinked up at Yang. "You look like me."
...yes...?"
"Are you my mommy?"
The blond crashed backward with a wheeze.
"Yang down!"
"Wait, what does that mean?"
"Well, technically speaking, I guess you could say I'm your uncle...
Ruby slammed into him a moment later.
RISE AND SHINE, JINN! There's work to be done!"
Naruto gave the empty bottle a shake.
"Why is all the rum gone?"
"Come along, now.
"Yes, master."
Yang whistled. "Hot damn, he's got her whipped...
R&R~!
~Nz.